So I am trying to be a better person and work on my anger issues. A little bit ago, in the big city headed to the grocery, I was in the left lane and a woman in the right lane a little ahead of me tried to get in the left lane and cut me off, so I gave a polite honk of the horn. Not a “HONK FUCKKKKKK YOUUUUU!!!!! HONK,” but a little “beep-beep hey let’s not have to call our insurance agents today honk.”
She swerved over and I could see her puffing angrily on her cigarette and I knew I was going to get an earful. At the light, she pulled up next to me looking all pissed off and yelled “Asshole” at me even though I had done nothing wrong, and I just shrugged my shoulders and yelled back “My dogs think I’m awesome.”
She didn’t know what to do and just looked at me. The light turned green and I left.
Steppan
I’d say you’re doing quite well, judging by that!
Yutsano
Oh wow.
jl
Good job Cole.
The little white lie regarding Rosie is excusable in this case.
Woodrowfan
good for you. that was a great response
RobertDSC-iPhone 6
But what does Steve think?
Iowa Old Lady
Dogs have far better judgment about people than a lot of people do. Good answer.
Montysano
We live in the Age of the Asshole, the age of reality TV. Assholes and jerks are awesome, dontcha know?!?! Nice guys are chumps and losers. Fertile ground indeed for Hair Fuehrer.
JPL
@RobertDSC-iPhone 6: lol Next time he can add that the cat only thinks of himself.
eemom
“A soft answer turneth away wrath.”
Omnes Omnibus
Well played.
Trollhattan
Had a Kiwi doing construction work on my house many moons ago and one morning on the way over he had a woman blow through a 4-way stop, nearly running into him. He honked and she slowed down long enough to yell, “What are you going to do about it, motherfucker?” at him.
Welcome to America, my friend, now let’s coax your blood pressure back under 200. .
quakerinabasement
In the mental movie that plays while reading this, the woman also has her hair up in curlers.
Villago Delenda Est
That’s a pretty good way to deescalate the situation, John.
Omnes Omnibus
@Trollhattan: I knew a Romanian dude whose favorite in-traffic insult was “Go fuck yourself. Save the money.”
Miss Bianca
Even if I could have been quick-witted enough to come up with this riposte, I’d be the one getting, “yeah, well…YOUR DOGS ARE ASSHOLES, TOO!”
Millard Filmore
I would have done the same as you, John. But after 45 years of driving, this summer I came to the realization that I do not have what it takes to drive in the city of Shenzhen, China. No matter how it looks here, we are *polite* drivers.
raven
It’s a constant battle. Five years ago 4th if July at midway I had spent an hour in the rental car lane when some asshole started abusing the lone agent who was doing her best to move people along. I asked him nicely to let her do her job and he got shitty with me. I never touched him but I got all up in his shit and he pulled the “that’s assault” bullshit on me. I told the fucker he better call his goddamn mother with that bullshit. Nothing happened but my wife, who was on a bench far away and didn’t really know what happened, was pissed at me. Saturday when I went to my buddies memorial it took TWO AND A HALF fucking hours to get a car but all heads were cool. . .including mine.
Joy in FL
I will be copying that, John. Now I almost wish someone would insult me so I could try it out.
“My dog thinks I’m awesome” : )
Hilfy
Your dogs are correct, John Cole. As for Steve, his feline dignity prevents him from being mushily sentimental. But in his furry heart, Steve knows you are an outstanding chef, groomer and provider. This is high praise from the sophisticated fellow that he is.
Renie
this planet is full of idiots who do stupid things driving and when you beep at them (because they almost run you off the road) they always act like they were right and you are wrong.
Gin & Tonic
Shoulda shot the bitch. That’s what a real American would do.
Singing Truth to Power
Well-played! Thanks for the good laugh –
donnah
Driving anywhere is a crapshoot. I pulled up next to a woman whose toddler was jumping all over the front seat and I said, “She should be in a car seat” and she told me to “mind my f*cking business”. Nice.
Mudge
It would have been fun to have a photo in the car of one of your dogs’ assholes to hold up for her to see..her wish being your command.
Villago Delenda Est
@Gin & Tonic: Only if the woman were blah. That would of course been “standing your ground” and perfectly legal, at least in Florida, America’s wang.
Shell
Beautiful!
raven
Speaking of bad situations, when I was out of town my bride took the pups for a walk and cut behind the painting business behind our house. Tuesday one of the owners told me they had my wife on video when a guy who was burgling the place. He came out of one of the storage rooms and talked to her and even petted the dogs. Nothing happened but it’s a bit worrisome, walking up on someone B&E is never a good idea.
germy
Steve was unavailable for comment.
singfoom
That’s a good response. My favorite thing to do to shitty drivers that cut me off / etc is to give them a double thumbs up with a very fake smile. It usually enrages people.
But good for you that you kept your composure. I always end up getting cut off by people when there’s nobody behind me for a 1/4 mile. Or my favorite the “cross 3 lanes of traffic in 20 feet to turn left and cut me off” when there’s nobody behind me for a 1/4 mile. You have to remember to keep calm. :)
Miss Bianca
o/t, but in the “rant-rave-fret-fume” department – just got the word that my employer-based health insurance program is cutting out co-pays. And raising my deductible to $6,000. So, basically, unless something catastrophic happens, I’m screwed every time I go to the doctor or pay for a prescription – because it’s ALL coming out of my pocket. But at least we might get a HSA, so that’s…something?
You know what? Screw it – I’d been on the fence about voting for Colorado Care – mostly because as Richard has pointed out, we still don’t know whether the Federal 1332 and 1115 waivers are actually going to come thru’ – but at this point I’m like, “single-payer system, yeah – even if it has flaws, it can’t possibly be worse than what I’ve got now.”
CaseyL
Perfect riposte! And dogs are, by and large, excellent judges of character.
gex
I do not honk or gesture to any cars in traffic anymore. This summer a woman was shot in a construction zone by someone in a car that cut HER off. While the NRA and our legislatures have made it that it isn’t just the small fraction of criminals you meet in public who may have guns, but any human with rage issues who can legally carry a gun, and we have politicians and preachers who make coin getting everyone all in a state of hate and rage it just isn’t worth it.
Lyrebird
Your dogs think you’re awesome,
and if you ever wanted cherry cobbler,
we’d send a lot more than one!
I'mNotSureWhoIWantToBeYet
@gex: I know the feeling.
I was about to drive into a tunnel in western VA a few years ago (might have been Big Walker Mountain) when a couple of kids were acting stupid in their Camaro or whatever decided that I had done some horrible offense by staying in the right lane and driving the speed limit. One of them was hanging out the passenger window, screaming at me, gesticulating, the whole nine yards.
I knew that looking at him would only make whatever the offense was worse, so I did my best to pretend they weren’t there. After ~ 15-30s, they went on their way.
I like Cole’s response, but I don’t think I could do it. :-)
Cheers,
Scott.
hitchhiker
Your blog commenters think you’re awesome, too.
Roger Moore
@singfoom:
My favorite way of calming myself down is to think that I’m better off with those people driving away from me rather than staying close.
Darrin Ziliak (formerly glocksman)
She oughten not blow up at people.
That said, I have been known to exactly follow the traffic laws when people behind me piss me off.
Ride my bumper because you’re in a hurry? Forget about it, as we ain’t going over 30.
Tailgate me and speed up right on my ass?
Then I wait till they’re closest to my car and then tap the brake pedal just enough to flash the lights.
Did that once to a kid in a Camaro, heard squealing tires and when I looked in the mirror, his car was fucking sideways in the road. :)
Betty Cracker
Well done, Cole.
@raven: Yikes, that’s scary!
rikyrah
Afternoon Cole.
We always appreciate pet and now house pictures.
eemom
@gex:
Interesting….I grew up in NYC where people honk AND mouth off all the time, cuz that’s just what we New Yawkahs DO. When I first started dating my Southern Virginia-raised husband, many years ago, I’d honk the horn at some asshole, and he’d tell me matter of factly that I was risking getting shot. Thought he was crazy at the time. Now, not so much.
eclare
As others have said, well done. Will have to remember that comeback.
Pogonip
@Millard Filmore: So what’s driving in Shenzhen like?
singfoom
@Roger Moore: Understood. I do that less and less frequently. Somehow, having children makes you more cautious as a driver and less interested in frustrating people. Who knew?
Villago Delenda Est
@Pogonip: Probably as frightening as driving anywhere in the ROK was back in the late 80’s.
Blueskies
John, John, John. Let me help you out here. You want to have a great day and feel superior to others? Let them cut in front of you. Hell, INVITE them to do it. Demonstrate that not only are you the bigger person, but you’re on a whole other astral plane, one where the movements of mere mortals is of little consequence. When you are nearly God-like, of what matter is a few seconds?
Funny thing is, when you start doing this, it really does help you move onto a different astral plane.
Gravenstone
@singfoom:
Similar thing I adopted from a college buddy – put a hand under your chin, fingers facing forward, wriggle the fingers while grinning maniacally at whomever you’re mocking.
Gravenstone
O/T for Alain (if he’s lurking about). The comment formatting buttons and she scroll up (but not down) widget are currently missing on Firefox/Win 10.
planetpundit
Cole cchose to omit any reference to Steve; perhaps that was best.
laura
A local weekly wag offered some really sage advice regarding other cars on the road (and the A-holes who operate them): imagine one of your dearest loved ones in with them. It helped me dial back the rage significantly.
Your response was as kind and anti-hostile as one could hope for, and Steve would be proud that you didn’t drag him in to it.
So what’s up with the Thurston feller these days anyway?
bluefish
LOL! That’s a great line. Instantly stolen and will be using it before the day’s out. A pal of mine died suddenly but not unexpectedly, if you know what I mean, on Sunday. Some friends and I ran into him the evening before. He remembered one of our birthdays was coming up. “I hear you’re getting older!” What a great, great way to say HB Day. Thank you, Paulie. You are missed.
It’s crazy out there. Am wondering if Charlotte will become Fergueson .12.
And counting.
Don’t drive and suck down nicotine, kids.
bluefish
@Omnes Omnibus: Hahahahahaha. I love Rumanians.
Shana
When we moved to the DC area from Chicago 24 years ago I was surprised at how much of that kind of driving I’d see. I decided to call it DC Syndrome because it seemed to me that there were so many folks here who had the attitude that they were too important to have the rules apply to them. Sometimes I’m able to let it go, sometimes not. So far I’ve been lucky but I never go very far.
Roger Moore
@singfoom:
I think that’s a result of growing up in general. For me, a huge realization was that driving like a maniac couldn’t actually save me much time. My commute was only about 15 minutes each way, so being an asshole could only get me to work a minute or two earlier anyway. And that’s ignoring the occasional bad outcome from being a jerk: traffic tickets, accidents, etc. It just isn’t worth it, especially when driving that way just makes me angrier and less likely to enjoy life when I get to my destination.
Seanly
@laura:
My corollary to that is that I often wonder if the passenger is screaming at the driver for their dangerous tactics like running red lights, abrupt & high-speed lane changes, etc. etc. And I live in Boise which is known for friendly drivers (the bar must be pretty low).
Wow, actually raining here in Boise… just in time to leave work.
TheOther Bob
Nice staying calm John. This is something I am working on. I was just saying about 10 minutes ago…
I must admit that when I am calm and others are getting worked up (because I am calm), I really enjoy it.
frosty
@Miss Bianca:
Mine did the same thing. High deductible and HSA. Turned out that I added $15 per pay more than I was paying for the older system and the HSA has covered all the deductibles. And if we don’t need a lot of services it builds up and I can cut the contribution in a future year. I’m pleasantly surprised.
Mai.naem.mobile
I love this and would love to use it but theres too many stupid people with guns here. As I’ve gotten older I just don’t care to drive aggressively. I get flipped off at least once a month because I am not tailgating the car in front of me. The stupid thing is they speed past me and then inevitably we both sit at a red light or they get off the freeway one second in front of me. Dumbasses.
Dolly Llama
@Gin & Tonic: That is EXACTLY the thing I’d come here to post.
Diana
@Hilfy: amen!!!!
Lorinda Pike
@eemom: “But good snark confuses the shit out of them”. (Lorinda II: 3, v. 1.)
Ruckus
We had an asshole on the bus this afternoon. Great driver, she doesn’t take any crap but also doesn’t get excited. Guy walked by the farebox without paying and she called him on it, asking if he was going to come up and pay. He said no, told the driver to shutup and drive. She put it in park and asked him again. He got a lot more excited so she hit what I assume is the alarm or notice to the office that the bus will not be moving. A few seconds later she was on the radio. The bus got noticeably pissed off that we couldn’t move until this asshole paid and told him so. It was offered by another gentleman that myself and 3 other reasonably sized guys should remove him in what ever manner was necessary so we could all get going and get home. I declined quietly to spend some time in jail, let the cops deal with this. They get paid and have the tools, I don’t. About that time he went up and paid. About two blocks later he stormed up to the front of the bus and demanded to be let off and beat on the doors until they opened. Public transportation is fun!
BTW the LA Metro system is being very well received. The trains are packed and I mean packed, as in you frequently don’t have to hang on because you can not fall down when the train starts and stops.
Sam
@Miss Bianca: I don’t know what portion of your insurance premium you were paying before, so this may not work the same way for you as it did for me, but my employer switched to one of these a few years ago, and it’s actually been a net positive for me for the following reason –
My old “share” of my insurance premium came to about $150/month deducted from my paycheck. When we switched to the HSA/high deductible plan, that premium share dropped to about $7/month.
I took the money I used to spend on premiums and put that specific amount toward my HSA contribution. So on a monthly basis, I was “out” the exact same amount of money.
I was paying for everything “up front” (sort of – you actually still pay the insurance company negotiated rates, so you’re not paying full freight, and you do get certain things convered at no cost due to Obamacare – one physical, if you’re female, your annual gyno visit is covered, etc).
At the end of the year, I still had money in my HSA account. which meant that instead of that monthly paycheck deduction disappearing into premiums that I never “used”, it more directly went to my actual care. And I used less of it.
It definitely takes a mental shift to get used to, and a lot more “paying attention” to how things stack up.
And obviously your mileage may vary greatly depending on your premiums and how many family members you need to get covered.
But a lot of us at my company totally flipped a lid when we first switched over, and now that we’ve learned how to navigate it a bit better, it’s not…terrible. It’s just different.
Ruckus
@Mai.naem.mobile:
I commute to work on a motorcycle and we get to use the carpool lane here in the land of nuts and berries. At 10-12 mph over the speed limit I still get cars that want to go faster so I normally move into the regular lanes to let them by. Always if I can see the traffic slowing up ahead and I know I’ll catch them very soon and pass them and most of the other cars right on by.
Barry
@Miss Bianca: “You know what? Screw it – I’d been on the fence about voting for Colorado Care – mostly because as Richard has pointed out, we still don’t know whether the Federal 1332 and 1115 waivers are actually going to come thru’ – but at this point I’m like, “single-payer system, yeah – even if it has flaws, it can’t possibly be worse than what I’ve got now.””
The best reason to work for single payer is that even if your employer-provided insurance is not that bad now, it will be soon.