Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

It’s easy to sit in safety and prescribe what other people should be doing.

Republicans got rid of McCarthy. Democrats chose not to save him.

American History and Black History can not be separated.

Be a traveling stable for those who can’t find room at the inn.

You come for women, you’re gonna get your ass kicked.

There is no compromise when it comes to body autonomy. You either have it or you don’t.

My right to basic bodily autonomy is not on the table. that’s the new deal.

Republican also-rans: four mules fighting over a turnip.

Proof that we need a blogger ethics panel.

Is it irresponsible to speculate? It is irresponsible not to.

Cole, when it comes to calico cats, restraint is overrated.

There are more Russians standing up to Putin than Republicans.

Fuck these fucking interesting times.

Trump’s legal defense is going to be a dumpster fire inside a clown car on a derailing train.

“Everybody’s entitled to be an idiot.”

If marriage is the equivalent of selling yourself into slavery, women with self respect should reject the offer.

Baby steps, because the Republican Party is full of angry babies.

I was confident that someone would point it out and thought why not me.

I wonder if trump will be tried as an adult.

Ah, the different things are different argument.

Every reporter and pundit should have to declare if they ever vacationed with a billionaire.

fuckem (in honor of the late great efgoldman)

This must be what justice looks like, not vengeful, just peaceful exuberance.

Too often we hand the biggest microphones to the cynics and the critics who delight in declaring failure.

You are here: Home / John Cole Presents "This Fucking Old House" / Scenes from a Nightmare

Scenes from a Nightmare

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The phone rings:

Me: Hello?

Dad: JG?

Me: Yes?

Dad: They finished the back roof.

Me: Oh, good. Remember, the insurance inspection is tomorrow.

Dad: Oh.

Me: What do you mean “Oh.”

Dad: You have no bathroom or kitchen.

Me: What?

Dad: We tore the bathroom and rest of the kitchen out today since you said you wanted to get rid of the dumpster. It’s going to be so much nicer when it is done.

Me: Oh, fuck me.

Dad: Oh, and I have some bad news.

Me: …

Dad: JG? Are you there?

Me: I’m in the fetal postion, can you not hear me?

Dad: The front roof is leaking. Roofer says he can get it done for $1000.00 I checked it and if you look at it from the second floor window you can see the problems.

Me: If I get near the second story window I will fling myself from it.

Dad: Also, the estimate for the counters will be here tomorrow with the drawings. JG? Are you still there?

Me: I’m trying to hang up before you start talking again.

I say again, renovating a house is basically throwing all of your money at everyone you see for six months and hoping you have a place to live when you are broke.

Reader Interactions

82Comments

  4. 4.

    Anoniminous

    Having done this many times …

    The first 90% of the work takes 90% of the time and 90% of your money. The last 10% takes the other 90% of the time and 90% of your money.

  6. 6.

    Taylor

    There is something to be said for putting everything into the dumpster that’s going into the dumpster.

    I assume you watch Mr Blandings Builds His Dream House, nightly.

  8. 8.

    kindness

    We were life long renters till the crash of 2008. We bought our place in April of 2009, a bank repo where the prior ‘owner’ had trashed the place before turning it over. It took a ton of time and decisions we never expected to make, and a substantial amount of cash but we are so happy now.

    I’m hoping you will be too.

  10. 10.

    Crusty Dem

    I was sad because I had food but no kitchen. And then I met a man with a kitchen and no food.

    But the renovation did turn out nice!

  11. 11.

    Steeplejack (phone)

    @John Cole:

    See if you can get qualified as a shovel-ready infrastructure project. I’ve heard that’s going to be a thing after the Democrats take over the government.

  13. 13.

    Corner Stone

    @gene108:

    Your dad is very sweet for helping you manage the renovation.

    I think his dad is enjoying this. I am only surprised it’s not his mom calling him to report back various levels of destruction and mayhem. I get the distinct impression that Mama Cole looks at Cole the way Bar does Jeb!

  15. 15.

    TaMara (HFG)

    I love this. I’m not even renovating and still, this is how the last three months have felt with the things I’ve had to do.

    You have a good financial plan in place, you’ve got your dad to help. Yes, it’s going to be a pain in the ass, but you got this. And wow, is it going to be something great when you’re done.

  19. 19.

    Suzanne

    On the plus side, if you don’t have a kitchen, YOU CAN’T LOSE YOUR MUSTARD.

    Keep on the sunny side, John Cole.

  20. 20.

    Elmo

    @Mudge: Supervise nothin, I’d happily be swinging the hammer. There’s nothing like demo when you don’t have to deal with the mess or the rebuilding.

  21. 21.

    San

    I had a nightmarish encounter today. Kids home, no school. Door bell. Pretty-looking young man in jogging gear.
    Are you Mrs. San?
    Yes, I am.
    I would like to talk to you about Senator Johnson’s reelection campaign.
    He is supporting Trump.
    No, he is not.
    Yes, he is.
    Why are you talking about Trump, I am here to talk about Johnson.
    Because he supports him!

    And then something terrible happened, something that NEVER happened to me in all my life. I completely broke down in front of a stranger. Started shaking (?) and crying. With tears actually running down my face. I said something along the lines of “I’m sick to my heart”/”How can you?”/”What has happened?” I did not even realize how much Trump and his supporters traumatized me. I thought when a Trump canvasser came I would be cold. Or angry. Or sarcastic. Or just refuse to talk to them. But I’m just apparently so heartsick that I broke down. Fuck him and his movement. November 8 will come and go but the poison will forever be there.

  22. 22.

    ? Martin

    Anyone so inclined – learn how to do this as much of this stuff yourself. Leave the roof and heavy construction to the contractors, but most of this stuff is labor and not materials. Even if it takes you 5 tries to learn how to do it right, so long as you don’t burn through your materials in the process, it’s just your time. And once you’ve learned how to hang a cabinet properly, you’ll be nearly as good at the rest as the pros.

    Paint is probably the easiest to master and once you are confident you’ll be a lot more adventurous because it’ll cost you $80 to repaint a room instead of $500. Next is trim work. A good chop saw and a lot of trial/error and you can do painted trim for next to nothing. Most of the magic is in the paint anyway. Full high-end trim for my family room would have cost $15K, I did it for about $400. Took a month of evenings and weekends, but the materials are dirt cheap. Installing cabinets isn’t that hard either, and the key to making it look good is all the skills you learn from trim. You just keep building your skillset out. You’ll need a saw here and an air compressor/nailer there, but if you are patient and attentive to detail, you can totally do a lot of this stuff.

  23. 23.

    raven

    It took us three years, two involving the moving of 100 yards of sewer, 2 months with no kitchen and $20k over budget. Know what, it’s just where we live now.

  25. 25.

    trollhattan

    @Suzanne:
    Objection, presumes mustard completes transit from supermarket to home, without side trips into farm fields, picking up stray critters, etc.

  26. 26.

    Mike J

    In the Red Sox game….
    Papi gets a single, is taking a small lead off towards second. Napoli, who is playing first, lines up right behind him. Just standing right behind Ortiz.

    Announcer asks, “what is this, last night’s debate?”

  28. 28.

    max

    I say again, renovating a house is basically throwing all of your money at everyone you see for six months and hoping you have a place to live when you are broke.

    Well, you know, dude, big buckets are cheap at Walmart. To catch the rain.

    Me: I’m in the fetal postion, can you not hear me?

    Well, Cole, how in God’s name are you gonna reshingle your roof in that position? Dude. Hammer. Bucket of nails. Shingles. No problemo.

    The plywood replacement is the real pain.

    max
    [‘Think! Exercise! Weight loss! It could happen!’]

  29. 29.

    JPL

    @San: It’s a sign of our times. My son called totally depressed today about the debate, and the realization that when he has children, debates are x rated.

  31. 31.

    gogol's wife

    @San:

    I had a similar experience today — not with somebody coming to the door, but losing it at work when I shouldn’t have. I think it’s Trump.

  36. 36.

    Joel

    We did a kitchen remodel on our house. We used IKEA for cabinets and appliances which was a huge time and cost saver. The GC who did the rest was terrible. Just a mess. Fortunately he did his good work where it counts – structure – and we made sure that everything was permitted. Turns out the GC was way behind on his bills and eventually went down for fraud (made the local news and everything!) The kitchen turned out great through, save for the floors. Wish I hired a tile guy for that but it’s not the end of the world.

  42. 42.

    p.a.

    Homeownership is like a sexless relationship. It still requires commitment and work, but the payback is… not optimal.

  45. 45.

    Walker

    My kitchen reno was great. I wanted good cabinets, but even the stuff at the fancy design places was crap. Turns out a co-worker’s husband was a housing appraiser. And from his work he knew a localish (two lakes over in Penn Yan) Amish cabinet maker. Guy does not advertise. There is no sign at his workshop. You can really only find him through referrals. And then his waiting list is about a year.

    Totally worth it.

  46. 46.

    aimai

    @San: You spoke your truth. You showed him something real. I think that was important. Don’t feel bad. I honestly think I would have done the same thing. The horrors of this election cycle have fried me to the bone.

  47. 47.

    a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)

    @San: I’m so sorry you had that kind of experience and the accompanying distress. For me that’s become a day that has the letter y in it.

  48. 48.

    aimai

    @Walker: I renovated my house and have a very nice kitchen. But another woman I know actually imported a guy from the middle of the country–like his business is flyig out, taking the measurements, and handmaking your cabinetry in the middle of the country and flying back out to install it. The cabinets are unbelievably gorgeous. I could basically cry just thinking of the workmanship in her kitchen, for half the price of mine.

  50. 50.

    ixnay

    We (meaning Mr. ixnay) and our son have been beating on a similar house in Maine for the past year. It had been inhabited by an (apparently) incontinent old man and his equally incontinent old dog. Getting pretty close at this point. One rule: hire local contractors – the neighbors know them. This was a knock-down, for sure, except that the bones were good (pocket doors that still work!) and we have a soft spot for old houses. We joke that we bought 6 acres, and they threw in the house. The fact that the 6 acres are planted with butternut and red pine doesn’t hurt any.

  51. 51.

    Blue Galangal

    I say again, renovating a house is basically throwing all of your money at everyone you see for six months and hoping you have a place to live when you are broke.

    That is the best definition for home renovation I have ever seen.

  52. 52.

    Patricia Kayden

    When all of the renovations have been completed, John will laugh as he reminisces about all the headaches it took to get such a beautiful home. And we’ll laugh along with him.

    P.S. HGTV makes renovations look like so much fun.

  53. 53.

    Fair Economist

    @? Martin:

    You’ll need a saw here and an air compressor/nailer there, but if you are patient and attentive to detail, you can totally do a lot of this stuff.

    John Cole plus power tools – are you sure that’s a good idea?

  54. 54.

    Eric U.

    @Fair Economist: especially not a nail gun. I was at the doctor when someone that had experienced a nail gun mishap, and it wasn’t pretty. I hesitate to call it an accident, the guy was about 20 and was missing two fingers alread

  55. 55.

    Darrin Ziliak (formerly glocksman)

    Depending upon the age of the house, you’ve got replacing all of that old BX or wire-on-insulator electrical system to look forward to.
    While you’re at it, don’t forget to wire the house for high speed ethernet while you’re replacing the electric system.

  61. 61.

    satby

    It’ll be OK once it’s done John. In fact, it will probably be wonderful. But getting to wonderful is kind of traumatic.

  62. 62.

    SiubhanDuinne, liberal mob enforcer bitch

    @Eric U.:

    I hesitate to call it an accident, the guy was about 20 and was missing two fingers alread

    Didn’t John’s father carve off one of his thumbs a few years ago with a power saw?

  67. 67.

    laura

    I will pimp our GC out the rest of my natural life! Our 1946 lil sacto house had a 70s kitchen redo that wasn’t grounded per the contract which was left in a drawer. It’s now the most beautiful thing I’ve ever had and is both functional and safe (spouse was shocked in the ween getting the crock pot down from over the stove and earned the Thor, god of Thunder nickname).
    I can’t say enough good things about real linoleum. It makes an appreciable difference in standing and cleaning.
    Now, after having zero bathroom for a month, we are prepared to molder in place with an open, curb less shower with a place to sit and shave a leg as one does. Also, I have officially scrubbed my last tub – it’s gone forever.
    When they haul away the driveway portalet, I’ll she’d no tears.
    Renovations are crazy expensive and time consuming and fraught eight ways to Sunday and at the “end” is hopefully worth it.

    The not so big house is a great resource as many have already said so.

  70. 70.

    Ruckus

    @? Martin:
    This is very true. Even if you are not all that handy with tools, a bit of practice will do wonders. The biggest tip would to learn how to safely use the tools. All of these things cut stuff a lot stouter than human parts. If one has literally no experience, ask at the lumber yard, box store. They want you back as a customer so they are usually willing to show you the basic ins and outs. Also there are videos for everything these days and some of them are actually quite good. Learn the easy way, the hard way can bite you in the ass. Or other body parts.

  71. 71.

    rk

    @San:

    I felt physically nauseous when Trump held the press conference with the women yesterday. Then I felt awful during the debate, just at the horrible format, awful questions and Trump’s hateful comments towards her. I don’t know how Hillary manages to deal with it. I feel so much anger and that’s not a good thing. Trump is such a negative person and his supporters are all rage and hate. I think that’s getting transferred to everyone.

  72. 72.

    Keith P.

    6 months? Try 10 *years*. The house falls apart as I fixed other parts of it, then medical problems hit, and pretty soon, I’m just too exhausted (emotionally and physically) to try to keep up any more. The Money Pit isn’t as much of a comedy any more.

  76. 76.

    Mary G

    It’s rumored to be like having a baby. Nature dulls the memory of the pain so you’ll do it again.

    Once it’s done you will love it.

  78. 78.

    Librarian

    @Shana: I love that movie too My favorite parts are the ones with Cary Grant and Melvyn Douglas.
    “You don’t know anything about business.”
    :You mean extortion!”

  79. 79.

    JR in WV

    John,

    At least you aren’t falling through the porch deck anymore. So things are already lots better than they were when you found Walter in there.

    And rescuing Walter, what was that experience worth on the scale of things? Maybe not a million bucks, but emotionally, what a wonderful, rewarding experience!!

    You’re so lucky to have a dad interested and capable of doing what he’s doing. Hang in there, participate as you can, while not falling down, and enjoy the experience.

    And thanks for Balloon-Juice!! Many a long lonely restless night B0J has been my solace. Plus we’re working to improve America too !!! So thanks!

  80. 80.

    John Weiss

    @Keith P.: You know. I bought a house in Dallas in a the later-to-become a historical district. I paid 25 large for it. I only got a mortgage ’cause my then wife was the daughter of the local banker. The area was ‘red lined’. I worked on that place for thirty years, did most of the work by myself with more than a little bit of help from my friends. We were all working on old houses and hired one another for a wage we decided upon.

    Like a developing photograph, it all came together but, let me advise you, living in a construction site is no bowl of pudding.

    Then the neighborhood was designated a historical district and became all gentrified and to make a long story less long, when my wife and I decided it was time to move we sold it for upwards of 300 grand.

    Was it worth it? Whal, plenty of blood sweat and tears. But it was a place we loved and no one could tell us to turn the music down with a notable exception or two. I learned to be a competent re-modeler. And alla that cash let us proceed with another adventure in a better place – of course another re-model but this time I had the where-with-all to hire the gristly bits.

    Remind me to tell you about the time when I went to a wedding reception where the punch was spiked with LSD and I went under the house to thaw pipes and set myself on fire. Really.

    jw

  82. 82.

    fastEddie

    Do the whole roof. Don’t mess around with “repairs”. You do not want to pay for anything more than once. – Also – Nice job finding a new hobby for your Dad.

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