For the past few weeks, Thurston and Rosie have been dragging the blankets and the quilts off of furniture, pulling them to the floor, and creating dog beds for themselves to sleep on. Now, mind you, over the past few years I have purchased at least half dozen god damned dog beds, AND THEY NEVER EVER USE THEM. EVER.
So last week on digital Monday or whatever, I found a big dog bed on sale for dirt cheap, and I ordered it. It came, it was big enough for all three dogs and cat to sleep on, and I promptly put it on the floor where they had been pulling the blankets. Within fifteen minutes, Thurston and Rosie began what can only be described as a vicious gangland turf war over the pet bed. There was barking, growling, howling and all hell broke loose to the point that I had to put the damned bed up and I ordered a second one so they wouldn’t have anything to fight over.
Again, I must state for the record, THEY HAVE NEVER USED ANY FUCKING DOG BED I HAVE EVER PURCHASED BEFORE.
Today, I took a nap because my sinuses are killing me and it feels like my eyes are about to shoot out of my face, and I woke to the sound of another scrum between Rosie and Thurston. I walked into the living room and this is what I found.
That is the dog bed that one of them had somehow pulled down from the table, placed on top of a blanket one of them had pulled down from the couch, and it is decorated with care with the stuffing from a pillow they shredded during their melee.
Assholes.
SiubhanDuinne
This may sound like a really stupid question, but if the dogs never use the dog beds, why do you persist in buying more?
ETA: Frist Again!!
MomSense
Yeah my dog is also an asshole. She steals my clothes right off my body (she almost strangled me when she tried to get my cowl) and holds my damned things for ransom for cheese. She won’t take kibble or one of her chewy treats. Nope it has to be cheddar. Asshole.
JPL
Someday you will have fond memories. My Oriental has a few chunks out of it, and that became the edge that goes under the sofa.
trollhattan
Dog #1, the decrepit one, uses any old dog bed she can plop onto and is happy to have it. Also, too, furniture, throw rugs and the heated bathroom floor, thankyaverrmuch. Dog #2, the Puppy of Destruction, has eaten four (could be more, but at least that many) beds of his own and since that’s not good enough, declared canine jihad on dog #1’s beds, which are all now missing some portion of their stuffing. Man, I can’t wait ’til teething is done and by the way mister jihadi, you’re getting tutored this month. So there!
David Rickard
Have you ever tried sleeping on the dog beds yourself, so as to impart your scent to them?
rikyrah
I know that I should not laugh, but your animal stories are hilarious. Feel better, Cole.???
schrodinger's cat
What does Steve do?
Jim, Foolish Literalist
you know who else are assholes (see how I kept it on topic?)
economic anxiety
Miss Bianca
@Jim, Foolish Literalist: “Men know who men are, and women know who women are”?
Jesus Chicken-Fried Christ, what does that even *mean*?
ETA: John Cole, I too love your pet stories. The knowledge that someone else’s dogs are even worse assholes than mine is oddly comforting.
lahke
So is there a dog underneath there somewhere, or is it just all balled up?
My cats like to be inside/under, and then you’re paranoid that you’re going to step on somebody.
Baud
@Jim, Foolish Literalist:
Mary G
@rikyrah: I laugh uproariously at these suffering Cole posts, too. I feel a little bad about it, but not enough to stop. Lord knows we need all the humor we can get these days. ? ? ?
trollhattan
@David Rickard:
Having seen pics of both Cole’s dogs and Cole, I’m guessing he’d have to tie them on with rope and wear them awhile. Sleeping on them, not so much.
lahke
@Miss Bianca: Bathroom police to make sure no one transgender tries to sneak into the wrong toilet, evidently.
Shana
@SiubhanDuinne: Hope springs eternal Siubhan. Our dog rarely slept on his dog bed, under one of the bedroom windows. He’d sleep on the floor under the other window. At first I tried moving the bed under his sleeping window, but he’d just go sleep under the other one so I gave up. The cat occasionally slept on the dog bed but we didn’t get the cat until we’d had the dog for several years so I know it had nothing to do with cat smell keeping him from using it.
The first night we had the dog, a rescue, he jumped up on our bed at bedtime. We pushed him off and he never tried to get on the bed again. He would sleep with the girls on their beds though. He’d also sleep on the couch, but it anyone walked into the room he’d jump down. Wouldn’t come back onto the couch even if encouraged to do so. Funny what they get into their heads.
D58826
Hey Cole, haven’t you gotten the message – if the dog bed is so darned wonderful U sleep on it and yet your overlords design their own sleeping arrangements.
notoriousJRT
@rikyrah:
Word.
notoriousJRT
@Baud:
Didn’t need no welfare state
Everybody pulled HIS weight
Gee, our old LaSalle ran great…
debit
My dogs sleep on their pet beds when the cats let them.
Schlemazel
@Jim, Foolish Literalist:
“Where the men were real men, the women were real women and the small furry creatures from Alpha Centuri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centuri”
Miss Bianca
@lahke: I wondered about that but…in the freakin’ White House? *Are* there gendered toilets there? Or is this all metaphorical? The illogic, it burns…
@Schlemazel: OK, I laughed.
debbie
@Jim, Foolish Literalist:
“And we’ll all know whose pussies can be grabbed?”
Omnes Omnibus
@Baud:
Gelfling 545
Flora tends to eat dog beds. She pulls things from she sofa & nests in them – especially my cozy fur-ish throw.
https://flic.kr/p/Pci8QK
ColoradoGuy
Longtime lurker here. A quick health hint for our gracious webhost:
Stir a generous dose of curry powder (supermarket grade is fine) into a saucepan, cover, then heat it on the stove to a moderate boil, raise the lid, and breathe in the steam (not too hot, not too cold). Cover your head with a towel to capture the vapor as the saucepan cools down. Do this for a few minutes, and repeat a few hours later (OK to re-use the same curry water again).
This is actually more effective on a sinus infection than a prescription of the usual tetracycline antibiotics (which don’t usually work), and similar effectiveness to the really heavy-duty ones like Cipro (which do work but aren’t good for your digestive tract). The minor indignity of covering your head with a dishtowel, and hanging over a hot stove, is offset by how good you feel a few hours later. Repeat over two to three days, and the infection will be completely gone.
HeidiMom
Heidi was three when we adopted her. She liked the bolster part of her bed well enough, but hated the bottom portion of the bed, so she tore it out. We put the previous dog’s orthopedic bed on the floor underneath the bolster, and Heidi was happy with that arrangement. She still is, six years later. If it works for her, it works for us.
Iowa Old Lady
Have we heard from Walter lately?
JPL
@Gelfling 545: Sweet!
geg6
Heh.
Lovey loves her many dog beds (I think she has four now). She doesn’t even tear them apart any more. Koda prefers a rug or a blanket.
joel hanes
@ColoradoGuy:
[ prescribes fumes from hot curried water for consgetion ]
A good hit of wasabi on your tekka maki will do wonders.
So will an over-generous dollop of Chinese mustard on your egg roll.
Robin Gittelman
@Jim, Foolish Literalist: Holy Small Dick Syndrome, Batman!
Also, I love your dog and cat adventures (as an allergic non-pet owner myself).
Roger Moore
@Miss Bianca:
I think it means “Trump will slap down those uppity bi***es”.
Zinsky
Euthanize them.
maya
It won’t be long before they each have their own room right, JC? Then the only thing they’ll have to fight over is wallpaper design and drapes.
SWMBO
Eat chicken soup and whine. It’s gotten you through before.
Buy something like this. My daughter’s JRT wanted a blanket to keep the drafts off then she was sleeping. One of these was mighty fine in her opinion.. This is a bitch on a phone to link to.
opiejeanne
@Zinsky: you’re just all sorts of fun today.
debit
@Iowa Old Lady: I send John updates and links to pics. Probably too busy with his house.
Walter is good and is sleeping at my feet even as I type. He would be sleeping on his pet bed, but Julian is currently an occupying force. And then Walter got up to see if he could share the bed. The answer is no.
Iowa Old Lady
@debit: Julian looks fierce. I’d back down it he wanted my bed too.
debit
@Iowa Old Lady: Weirdly, he was the first cat in the house that accepted Walter when he first joined us. They hang out a lot. But Julian is not giving up that bed. That would be (one of) the orthopedic bed with coils and cushion I spent so much money on, so Walter would have soft places to sleep. Bastard cats.
OlFroth
Just use the dog beds as blankets and quilts. Problem solved!
Smedley Darlington Prunebanks (formerly Mumphrey, et al.)
Smedley–the dog, that is, Smedley Darlington Mingobat–has taken to chewing up my wife’s shoes. Also the children’s shoes, but so far, only the children’s old, ratty shoes that my wife was balking at throwing away for reasons of sentimentality, so as it happens, she’s kind of thankful for him for that at least…
Gretchen
Thank you for this. I needed a laugh.
The Pale Scot
@Schlemazel:
Egad! Trumpchanzees in a nutshell.
Douglas Adams was so far ahead of his time.
The Pale Scot
@ColoradoGuy:
Hey, that’s Mick Dundee’s method!
artem1s
@The Pale Scot:
yea. Zaphod wasn’t as big a loser and asshole as The Idjit and at least a few decent people who were willing to hang around him. So I’m thinking the Vogon constructor fleet is a better metaphor for Team Idjit. No one decent likes them. Everyone delights in pissing them off. And they really don’t care about anything except wanton, meaningless destruction. Their taste in culture is on par with Vogon poetry.