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You are here: Home / Open Threads / Speaking of Dicks

Speaking of Dicks

by John Cole|  February 7, 20171:38 pm| 95 Comments

This post is in: Open Threads

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My neighbor Gerald is over helping me organize the basement, and we are going through all this shit I have accumulated and putting it where it makes sense, seeing if he wants it, or if it can be sold on ebay or maybe a yard sale, etc. Basically thinning out everything and going through the “random” boxes of stuff that accumulate when you move. Plus, I have had so many people stay over the years that people forget some of their stuff and I am trying to sort it all out, this is Shawn’s, this is Christion’s, this is Carlo’s, and on and on. I feel like hammered shit and seem to have come down with some sort of cold, so I went upstairs to take some more alka seltzer cold and flu.

At any rate, came back downstairs and Gerald was acting weird and wouldn’t make eye contact with me, pointed to a bag over in the corner, and said “You’re going to have to deal with that cuz I ain’t touching it.” So I went over, opened it up, and much to my surprise, a bag of dildos and vibrators. Used. And girl on girl porn videos and mags. WINNING. There was actually a bag of dicks in my basement.

They are not mine and we just threw them out, but I think my relationship with Gerald has been permanently changed, and I know I am viewing everyone who stayed at my house for some duration in a new and suspicious light.

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Reader Interactions

95Comments

  1. 1.

    SiubhanDuinne

    February 7, 2017 at 1:42 pm

    much to my surprise, a bag of dildos and vibrators. Used. And girl on girl porn videos and mags. WINNING. There was actually a bag of dicks in my basement.

    They are not mine.

    Uh huh.
    Uh huh.

    I am laughing SO.FUCKING.HARD right now.

  2. 2.

    Roger Moore

    February 7, 2017 at 1:43 pm

    You did have a bunch of frat boys living in your house. Dildos and porn should not be a big surprise.

  3. 3.

    Geeno

    February 7, 2017 at 1:44 pm

    Were they salted?

  4. 4.

    schrodingers_cat

    February 7, 2017 at 1:45 pm

    Perfect decor for the pink room.
    /ducks.

  5. 5.

    Major Major Major Major

    February 7, 2017 at 1:45 pm

    @Geeno: We have a winner!

  6. 6.

    chopper

    February 7, 2017 at 1:46 pm

    Cole: Oh, these definitely aren’t mine…

    Gerald: (arms up) I NEED AN ADULT

  7. 7.

    Arm The Homeless

    February 7, 2017 at 1:47 pm

    I had a job in HS cleaning out homes that were in probate. Until you have 3 LARGE uhaul boxes of sex toys and 3″ binders of porn clippings, this cache of mild perversion is cute.

  8. 8.

    hovercraft

    February 7, 2017 at 1:47 pm

    They are not mine and we just threw them out, but I think my relationship with Gerald has been permanently changed.

    Of course they’re not yours ;-)

  9. 9.

    manyakitty

    February 7, 2017 at 1:47 pm

    OMG, thank you so much for the first good laugh I’ve had in weeks!

  10. 10.

    Emma

    February 7, 2017 at 1:48 pm

    They are not mine and we just threw them out.

    What, you think we were born yesterday?

  11. 11.

    Shell

    February 7, 2017 at 1:48 pm

    You could have sent them to the Senate. They’d of had a lot of company.

  12. 12.

    hilzoy

    February 7, 2017 at 1:49 pm

    You are the only person in the entire universe about whom, reading this, I can honestly say: I am not surprised.

  13. 13.

    quakerinabasement

    February 7, 2017 at 1:50 pm

    Excellent!

  14. 14.

    raven

    February 7, 2017 at 1:52 pm

    “They are not mine and we just threw them out.”

    I was born at night but not LAST night!

  15. 15.

    ruemara

    February 7, 2017 at 1:53 pm

    I’m kinda sad it wasn’t some sort of salted, spicy dick chips.

    Also, you have frat guys coming to your home. What did you expect?

  16. 16.

    SWMBO

    February 7, 2017 at 1:53 pm

    @hovercraft: Not anymore. They threw them out. Question is, are they in garbage cans by the curb so the homeless can scavenge them or did they put them in a dumpster for them? And whose dumpster? Is there video?

  17. 17.

    Shell

    February 7, 2017 at 1:54 pm

    reading this, I can honestly say: I am not surprised.

    What would have made it more Cole-esque is if he had first tripped over them.

  18. 18.

    raven

    February 7, 2017 at 1:55 pm

    @Shell: And poked his eye with one!

  19. 19.

    Ohio Mom

    February 7, 2017 at 1:57 pm

    Think of the previous owner. He’s reading the blog, catching up with his old friend John’s latest, and all of a sudden he finally knows whatever happened to that bag of stuff he lost.

  20. 20.

    lahke

    February 7, 2017 at 1:57 pm

    I don’t understand why people were willing to credit your sincerity when you said that someone should get a bag of salted dicks, unless they expected you to actually have one to give away. So why the surprise now?

  21. 21.

    Frank McCormick

    February 7, 2017 at 1:58 pm

    You could have used the vibrators for your shoulder. Just saying…

  22. 22.

    Major Major Major Major

    February 7, 2017 at 1:58 pm

    @Shell: @raven: Naked!

  23. 23.

    trollhattan

    February 7, 2017 at 1:58 pm

    Dang, too bad you didn’t have a PO Box for the Bundy boys, they’re familiar with…handling boxes of dicks.

  24. 24.

    SenyorDave

    February 7, 2017 at 2:00 pm

    OT, but did anyone see what Trump did…

    Actually don’t have anything to say, I just thought that a bag of dicks and Trump go together.

  25. 25.

    Darkrose

    February 7, 2017 at 2:00 pm

    @Shell: I was just thinking that.

  26. 26.

    Thoroughly Pizzled

    February 7, 2017 at 2:00 pm

    They didn’t taste like mustard, did they?

  27. 27.

    Corner Stone

    February 7, 2017 at 2:01 pm

    a bag of dildos and vibrators. Used. And girl on girl porn videos and mags. WINNING. There was actually a bag of dicks in my basement.

    “Yeah, so third drawer down in the office chest of…oh, never mind I’ll take care of it.”

  28. 28.

    Loneoak

    February 7, 2017 at 2:03 pm

    I think it’s Tunch pulling a prank on you from the beyond.

  29. 29.

    Corner Stone

    February 7, 2017 at 2:03 pm

    a bag of dildos and vibrators. Used.

    I think we probably need to hear more about the “Used” declaration. Or not. Maybe not.

  30. 30.

    Corner Stone

    February 7, 2017 at 2:04 pm

    This thread is fucking crying its eyes out for a pop in by Just Some Fuckhead and cbear.
    Poor bastards.

  31. 31.

    Mnemosyne

    February 7, 2017 at 2:05 pm

    I’m not the only one to think of this, I’m sure.

  32. 32.

    Karmus

    February 7, 2017 at 2:06 pm

    This is so shocking?

    West Virginians, ah sweah.

  33. 33.

    Doug R

    February 7, 2017 at 2:06 pm

    So you’re out to get a FRESH bag of dicks.

  34. 34.

    Betty Cracker

    February 7, 2017 at 2:06 pm

    That photo illustration is definitely recyclable around here…

  35. 35.

    Gin & Tonic

    February 7, 2017 at 2:06 pm

    When my son was in university he spent a summer traveling, but sub-let his apartment to a young lady he barely knew. He moved back at the start of the semester and within a week got very ill, so my wife and I went there while he was hospitalized. We stayed in his apartment and, having some free time, decided to thoroughly clean it and organize so he wouldn’t have to deal with that when he gout out of hospital. It turned out that among some random clothing and other items, the young lady left several sex toys. We packed all the stuff up because we’d been told that her father and brother were coming by for her remaining things. Pretty awkward on all fronts. “Hey, Dad, can you swing by my summer sublet and pick up my dildos?”

  36. 36.

    Mnemosyne

    February 7, 2017 at 2:07 pm

    Also, too, I’ve recommended Julia Sweeney’s memoir God Said “Ha!” before, and another reason is her story of having to clean out a co-worker’s desk after he retired and discovering his stash of BDSM porn, which he had apparently been notorious for reading at his desk in the old days.

  37. 37.

    Mike in NC

    February 7, 2017 at 2:08 pm

    @Arm The Homeless: When Mitt Romney said he had “binders full of women” nobody thought it was p0rn. Supposed to be a lot of it in Utah.

  38. 38.

    Corner Stone

    February 7, 2017 at 2:11 pm

    @Gin & Tonic: “Just wanted to say kudos to you. You’ve obviously raised a healthy young woman there.” “Nice meeting you.”

  39. 39.

    Trinity

    February 7, 2017 at 2:11 pm

    @Shell: This.

  40. 40.

    MattF

    February 7, 2017 at 2:12 pm

    So, we know that the punchline is ‘I’m asking for a friend’.

  41. 41.

    Corner Stone

    February 7, 2017 at 2:12 pm

    @Betty Cracker: Without looking at the byline I honestly thought this was a B Crack post.

  42. 42.

    A Ghost To Most

    February 7, 2017 at 2:17 pm

    Don’t throw it out. Mail it to Betsy DeVos.

  43. 43.

    schrodingers_cat

    February 7, 2017 at 2:19 pm

    @A Ghost To Most: And Ryan and McConnell too.

  44. 44.

    hovercraft

    February 7, 2017 at 2:19 pm

    @trollhattan:
    LOA posted in an earlier thread that they’ve begun jury selection for the second trial, maybe if the “trash can he threw” them into is still handy, he could forward them to the courthouse, or the defense attorney?

  45. 45.

    karen marie

    February 7, 2017 at 2:19 pm

    Oh, thank you, John Cole, for making me laugh out loud. I needed that.

  46. 46.

    lollipopguild

    February 7, 2017 at 2:20 pm

    @A Ghost To Most: She will have plenty of free time in her new job.

  47. 47.

    Olivia

    February 7, 2017 at 2:20 pm

    Not sure I want to know how you determined that they were used.
    Did the previous owner of the house have any connection to the Bundy creeps? Everyone was sending them dildos.

  48. 48.

    p.a.

    February 7, 2017 at 2:21 pm

    What, you’ve never heard of Craigslist’s Free Stuff Curb notice? Just put the street name… and leave it in front of a neighbor’s house. What fun is moving without getting a neighborhood reputation?

  49. 49.

    karen marie

    February 7, 2017 at 2:21 pm

    @Shell: Moments like this, I wish there were a “like” button.

  50. 50.

    p.a.

    February 7, 2017 at 2:22 pm

    @Olivia: sniff test? ?

  51. 51.

    lollipopguild

    February 7, 2017 at 2:24 pm

    One of the reasons I come here is the insightful, thoughtfull comments and stories like this.

  52. 52.

    hovercraft

    February 7, 2017 at 2:26 pm

    @Thoroughly Pizzled:

    They didn’t taste like mustard, did they?

    Eeww, he said they were used. The addition of mustard sounds gross. This is rapidly descending into dangerous territory.
    @A Ghost To Most: @schrodingers_cat:
    The idea of inundating the White House with dildos does appeal to my juvenile sense of humor. Providing them with the means to GFYS would piss them off.

  53. 53.

    D58826

    February 7, 2017 at 2:28 pm

    There was actually a bag of dicks in my basement.

    You never told us that Trump stayed at your place once.

  54. 54.

    p.a.

    February 7, 2017 at 2:29 pm

    @hovercraft:

    This is rapidly descending into dangerous territory.

    Getting into my comfort (and ‘intellectual’) zone.

  55. 55.

    trollhattan

    February 7, 2017 at 2:32 pm

    @Mike in NC: Yet another thing in common between Utah and Saudi Arabia.

  56. 56.

    Le Comte de Monte Cristo, fka Edmund Dantes

    February 7, 2017 at 2:32 pm

    So what titles on the girl on girl stuff?

    Asking for a friend.

  57. 57.

    trollhattan

    February 7, 2017 at 2:33 pm

    @lollipopguild:
    Going to be a challenge to share at the table tonight, however. “Daddy, what’s a…?”

  58. 58.

    SiubhanDuinne

    February 7, 2017 at 2:38 pm

    @hovercraft:

    The idea of inundating the White House with dildos does appeal to my juvenile sense of humor

    You guys, you guys, I just had the BEST idea for this year’s White House Easter Egg Hunt!!

  59. 59.

    Shlemazel

    February 7, 2017 at 2:46 pm

    @Geeno:
    That was my thought!

    John, are you sure it was not a gift from one of us? Was there a note attached suggesting you eat them?

  60. 60.

    Timurid

    February 7, 2017 at 2:48 pm

    Major tornado outbreak underway in New Orleans area… they’ll need a quick color check before dispatching FEMA.

  61. 61.

    Felonius Monk

    February 7, 2017 at 2:49 pm

    Did you check the bag for the missing jar of mustard?

  62. 62.

    mai naem mobile

    February 7, 2017 at 2:50 pm

    Dude there’s a whole lot of people you could have sent the dild0s to. Like the new Sec of Education or the Veep or Breitbart.

  63. 63.

    mai naem mobile

    February 7, 2017 at 2:52 pm

    @Timurid: I’m sure the radical muslin terrahrists are behind the tornados.

  64. 64.

    trollhattan

    February 7, 2017 at 2:52 pm

    The Hawaii/Kenya kid goes kite surfing. Can’t blame him, looks fun.

  65. 65.

    geg6

    February 7, 2017 at 2:55 pm

    @Major Major Major Major:

    OMG! I was laughing through this entire thread, but this is the one that started the snorting.

    I. AM. DYING. HERE.

  66. 66.

    Drunkenhausfrau

    February 7, 2017 at 2:55 pm

    With all the crappy and terrifying news bombarding us, you give us this gift of pure delight! Thank you. Peed myself laughing.

  67. 67.

    Shell

    February 7, 2017 at 2:56 pm

    Not sure I want to know how you determined that they were used

    Dead batteries?

  68. 68.

    Rasputin's Evil Twin

    February 7, 2017 at 2:57 pm

    @SiubhanDuinne: After they get two coats of sand paint.

  69. 69.

    cckids

    February 7, 2017 at 2:58 pm

    @trollhattan:

    Going to be a challenge to share at the table tonight, however. “Daddy, what’s a…?”

    When my daughter was 10, her friend’s mom took the two of them to see Rent. Without telling me first. Yeah. She came home and asked me “What’s a dildo? What’s S & M?” After blinking hard, I told her they had to do with sex, and that I thought she was kind of young to go there. So, being my book-loving, vocabulary-building girl, she looked them up in the dictionary (not, thank Jeebus, online). She sheepishly comes up to me the next day, tells me what she did, and says “You were right. I wish I didn’t know”.
    Oy. People.

  70. 70.

    AnotherBruce

    February 7, 2017 at 2:59 pm

    @hilzoy: Someone ought to make a movie about Cole, complete with naked cleaning chores, bags of dildos and green balloons.

  71. 71.

    TaMara (HFG)

    February 7, 2017 at 3:01 pm

    I am dying. This post have been open on my computer for the last hour and I was going to read it when I had a moment. I so needed that.

    But I have a question….why didn’t you send them to congress or something….LOL

  72. 72.

    Roger Moore

    February 7, 2017 at 3:02 pm

    They are not mine and we just threw them out

    You didn’t turn them into Christmas tree ornaments?

  73. 73.

    AnotherBruce

    February 7, 2017 at 3:05 pm

    Open thread? Why? It begs for “This fucking old house.”

  74. 74.

    trollhattan

    February 7, 2017 at 3:07 pm

    @cckids:
    Poor kid! 10YOs (girls anyway) are still mostly about unicorns and such but the curiosity never shuts off.

  75. 75.

    chopper

    February 7, 2017 at 3:08 pm

    was there a wetsuit in the box?

  76. 76.

    Gravenstone

    February 7, 2017 at 3:16 pm

    @SenyorDave:

    OT, but did anyone see what Trump did…

    Can you maybe a tad more specific? What has he done? Today? This week? This millisecond? The choices are frankly, endless.

  77. 77.

    Gravenstone

    February 7, 2017 at 3:17 pm

    @Corner Stone: I’m thinking back to the open of Blues Brothers – “One prophylactic … soiled”.

  78. 78.

    patrick II

    February 7, 2017 at 3:20 pm

    I’m wondering whether it was john’s mom or dad who packed the box for moving.

  79. 79.

    SiubhanDuinne

    February 7, 2017 at 3:21 pm

    @AnotherBruce:

    You win.

  80. 80.

    hovercraft

    February 7, 2017 at 3:22 pm

    @trollhattan:
    He looks so yummy.
    Oops I meant to say relaxed and happy, yes that’s what I meant.

  81. 81.

    Librarian

    February 7, 2017 at 3:33 pm

    Unless it was there in the house all along, it would have to have been moved from the old house to the new one without anybody looking inside it, if you just discovered it today.

  82. 82.

    Alain the site fixer

    February 7, 2017 at 3:38 pm

    Careful, aren’t those illegal in West By God Virginia?

  83. 83.

    Pete Mack

    February 7, 2017 at 3:45 pm

    I sure did not seen that one coming.

  84. 84.

    leeleeFL

    February 7, 2017 at 3:51 pm

    @schrodingers_cat: My first question! I would have seen the. To the WH.

  85. 85.

    Keith P.

    February 7, 2017 at 4:00 pm

    The best part is what this guy who found them is now telling all his friends. “I don’t know what JC had planned – wait, I kind of *do* know – but I got the hell out of there as fast as I could.”

  86. 86.

    Waldo

    February 7, 2017 at 4:02 pm

    I understand Josh Marshall was involved in a similar mix-up. Just sayin’.

  87. 87.

    Davebo

    February 7, 2017 at 4:03 pm

    The idea is to do that BEFORE you move John.

  88. 88.

    glory b

    February 7, 2017 at 4:07 pm

    @Roger Moore: My thoughts exactly.

  89. 89.

    low-tech cyclist

    February 7, 2017 at 4:15 pm

    @AnotherBruce:

    Open thread? Why? It begs for “This fucking old house.”

    @SiubhanDuinne:

    @AnotherBruce:

    You win.

    Seconded!

  90. 90.

    Montanareddog

    February 7, 2017 at 4:21 pm

    Some colleagues breathlessly reported to me one morning that X (another colleague) had hosted a poker game (with eats) the evening before. And they were all feeling nauseous because one of them had spotted Mrs X’s dildo in the dishwasher. They felt more nauseous when I pointed out they had no reason to assume it was the wife’s.

  91. 91.

    Mnemosyne

    February 7, 2017 at 5:41 pm

    @Montanareddog:

    I admit, I’m a pretty poor housekeeper, but I would make an effort to remove the sex toys from the dishwasher before company came over.

  92. 92.

    phein55

    February 7, 2017 at 9:03 pm

    My opinion of you has gone up, John Cole, if that is possible.

    All we’ve ever found in houses we’ve bought have been 19th century embalming tools and fluids, elemental mercury, and a bucket of dead tropical fish.

  93. 93.

    Paul

    February 8, 2017 at 5:40 am

    You should have saved them for the yard sale. The neighbors would never have stopped talking about you. It would be a form of immortality.

  94. 94.

    Bob2

    February 8, 2017 at 8:54 am


    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uKsG1CIqwdE
    There was an episode of Hoarders in season 8 about this. No relation?

  95. 95.

    delosgatos

    February 8, 2017 at 9:08 am

    But you probably never did find the fucking mustard.

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