Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

We’ve had enough carrots to last a lifetime. break out the sticks.

Republican obstruction dressed up as bipartisanship. Again.

Hot air and ill-informed banter

A snarling mass of vitriolic jackals

Schmidt just says fuck it, opens a tea shop.

… pundit janitors mopping up after the GOP

A thin legal pretext to veneer over their personal religious and political desires

Republicans are the party of chaos and catastrophe.

A democracy can’t function when people can’t distinguish facts from lies.

Conservatism: there are some people the law protects but does not bind and others who the law binds but does not protect.

The party of Reagan has become the party of Putin.

The words do not have to be perfect.

Sitting here in limbo waiting for the dice to roll

Seems like a complicated subject, have you tried yelling at it?

You don’t get rid of your umbrella while it’s still raining.

Let me eat cake. The rest of you could stand to lose some weight, frankly.

Imperialist aggressors must be defeated, or the whole world loses.

Let’s finish the job.

Technically true, but collectively nonsense

Red lights blinking on democracy’s dashboard

Fuck these fucking interesting times.

Tick tock motherfuckers!

Sadly, there is no cure for stupid.

You cannot shame the shameless.

You are here: Home / Balloon Juice / Readership Capture / White House: The Movie

White House: The Movie

by | 134 Comments

This post is in: 

Some day, assuming civilization as we know it survives, there’s going to be a great movie made about the Trump White House. Who should be cast in it? You’re allowed to use actors both living and dead, because by then the CGI will be good enough…okay, I just want to be able to put Phillip Seymour Hoffman in it. Here’s mine:

Stephen Miller — Paul Reubens (or maybe Peter Lorre)
Steve Bannon — Phillip Seymour Hoffman
Reince Preibus — Paul Giamatti
Jared Kushner — Jesse Eisenberg
Jeff Sessions — Billy Bob Thornton

Tough to beat the SNL combo of Alec Baldwin, Kate McKinnon, and Melissa McCarthy as Trump, Kellyanne, and Spicey.

Reader Interactions

134Comments

  3. 3.

    Hawes

    Miller should be played by Jonathan Banks (Mike Ehrmentraut from Breaking Bad).

    And let’s just go ahead and give Jefferson Beauregard Sessions to Kate McKinnon

  5. 5.

    TriassicSands

    I just noticed that Joe Manchin continues to be a reliable Republican vote on Trump nominees. When will Joe switch parties?

  7. 7.

    Jeffro

    Besides Alec Baldwin playing Trump, I want all the rest played by women please. They’ve been doing outstanding work so far.

    Except I’d like Chris Rock as Omarosa, please.

  8. 8.

    lgerard

    Is it my imagination or does Stephen Miller look just like a young Putin?

    I vote Rosie O’Donnell for Bannon

  10. 10.

    Villago Delenda Est

    You can cast it all you want, but the pitch will be rejected as too goofy by the studio suits.

  12. 12.

    Dolly Llama

    I think Reince Priebus should be played by Paul Reubens. I’ve ALWAYS said that fucker looked like Pee-Wee Herman.

  16. 16.

    TriassicSands

    @Hawes:

    And let’s just go ahead and give Jefferson Beauregard Sessions to Kate McKinnon

    No! Please no. Without commenting on her performance as Sessions, let me say that I found looking at her nearly impossible — she was so creepy looking.

    I’d recommend one of the Keebler elves to play Sessions.

  17. 17.

    XTPD

    Meth-Popping Fuckshit– William Maher SUPERGENIUS
    Steve Bannon — Patton Oswalt
    Rudy Giuliani — Max Schreck

  18. 18.

    Enhanced Voting Techniques

    I don’t see how it can’t be played as a comedy. Even watching the Trump in real time it comes accross as a farce.

  19. 19.

    Elizabelle

    @TriassicSands: Don’t like Manchin’s votes, but I’m ok with him being a Democrat. West Virginia seems to be a pickup opportunity for GOP, otherwise. Despite years of excellent public service by Jay Rockefeller.

    Who knows what will happen in 2018, when Senator-Epipen’s seat is up? If there’s a Democrat who is a real contender, support that person.

  24. 24.

    Elizabelle

    As long as all the principals are taken out in Quentin Tarantino fashion, before they do too much harm. Even early in the reel.

  32. 32.

    sigaba

    @LAO: Oh, you just know Comey’s going to drop the death blow on Trump, and win the Last Honest Man Worldwide Champion title. What could be more honest than making sure NOBODY gets who they voted for?

  36. 36.

    XTPD

    @debbie: A commenter on Jezebel floated the idea of starting a TV/web show that consisted of Clinton gloating for the duration of Donald’s occupancy. Not like she’d do it herself, but we need to call Nicole Sullivan or Nina Arianda and get this shit started now.

  39. 39.

    hovercraft

    @chopper:
    Nah, for someone like our new AG, he needs not just a woman, a black person, Normally I’d say a black woman, but for him, a big buff black buck, um I mean man. Seeing himself portrayed that way, having people wonder why a black man is being accused of racism, knowing some people might think he’s a black man, he would hate it.

    Give the entire movie the Hamilton treatment, they are all their because of racism, it’ll piss them all off. I hear Whoopie is going to have a lot of time on her hands in the near future, and since she’s such a big fan, perhaps she could take the lead role.

  41. 41.

    Le Comte de Monte Cristo, fka Edmund Dantes

    Zero Mostel as Bannon.

    Dick Shawn as Putin, all the way down to the goofy “Producers” lines….

  49. 49.

    Droppy

    I think Will Farrell could do a good Mike Pence – he’d pick up on that awful combination of vacuity and depravity.

  59. 59.

    hovercraft

    @debbie:

    Hillary Clinton Verified account
    ‏@HillaryClinton

    Hillary Clinton Retweeted Philippe Reines

    Philippe’s got his own way of saying things, but he has a point about the real consequences of fake news…

    Hillary Clinton added,

    Philippe Reines @PhilippeReines
    Dear Mike Flynn & Mike Flynn Jr.,

    What goes around COMETS around.…

    Retweets
    23,493
    Likes
    71,640

    9:41 PM – 13 Feb 2017
    5,562 replies 23,493 retweets 71,640 likes

  60. 60.

    debbie

    @Jeffro:

    Have you seen her? She’s always sitting in the row behind Trump, madly taking notes. She looks up now and then with a very intense look, then goes back to her noting. Five bucks says she’s compiling an enemies list for Trump.

  61. 61.

    TriassicSands

    @Elizabelle:

    Fortunately, I don’t live in W. Virginia (and wouldn’t). I’m simply wondering how long Manchin remains a Democrat.

    I don’t think there is any way that Manchin would be held “accountable” by West Virginia voters for voting against Trump’s cabinet nominees. Most people don’t pay that much attention to such minutia. To me, that means he could vote with the Democrats on the Trump nominees and risk nothing electorally. On the other hand, if he votes for one Trump nominee after another, if he were to switch parties, his votes would make him more welcome in the GOP. Then, in 2018, he could run as a Republican and as in incumbent be reasonably assured of success.

    I lived in Colorado when Ben Nighthorse Campbell miraculously discovered when he was in his fifties that he had been voting Democratic all his life because his mother was a Democrat. Apparently, Ben didn’t spend much time engaging in introspection during his 20s, 30s, and 40s. His mid-life revelation caused him to change parties after being re-elected as a Democrat. His voting record in the House had been Republican-friendly. (He should never have run for Senate as a Democrat, but that was his best bet for being elected. Then, once an incumbent, he switched parties two years into his six-year term.)

  64. 64.

    hovercraft

    @? Martin:
    How long before Homer Simpson and Archie Bunker get theirs?
    ETA: Does Alex Jones have his yet? It’s so hard to keep up with the minutia.

  65. 65.

    XTPD

    @debbie: Question is, who plays politician Hillary and who plays snarky asshole Hillary?

    Also, Tania Raymonde for Abedin & William Hurt for Mad Dog.

  69. 69.

    hovercraft

    @TriassicSands:
    He’s trying to survive re-election, cut the guy some slack, he represents a rather special state.

    @debbie:
    I know everyone said Philippe was too shrill, but I loved him when he was her spokesperson at State, I thought of him as her Luther.

  70. 70.

    Raoul

    Leslie Jones as Trump just because it would piss off all the racist maggots.

    Oh, and

    Chris Rock as Omarosa, please.

    Brilliant, Jeffro!

  78. 78.

    maurinsky

    I will accept no one besides Anthony Atamaniuk as Trump. @jerri:

    I was thinking the Cryptkeeper for Kellyanne. There is a strong likeness.

  81. 81.

    XTPD

    @hovercraft: Thx; Sullivan & Arianda look closer to the part and both play delightful assholes (also Arianda is in keeping with the Goliath cast theme for my choices).

    Also: Ice-T as Sessions and Billy Bob Thornton as Tillerson.

  83. 83.

    TriassicSands

    @hovercraft:

    He’s trying to survive re-election

    It just occurred to me that this is not a great time for Manchin to switch parties. He has to see what happens with Trump. If 2018 looks like the Dems might make gains then he’ll, naturally, remain a Democrat.

    Plus, I guess Joe might not be able to win a Republican primary in West Virginia.

    What is “special” about West Virginia? It’s last or near last in most positive health indicators. That’s special.

    I taught school for awhile in New Mexico. We used to joke: Thank goodness for Louisiana, Mississippi, Arkansas, and Alabama. If it weren’t for them New Mexico would have been last in everything good and first in everything bad. West Virginia has clearly moved into that elite company. It’s sad, but they aren’t going to get out of it by sending right wingers to Washington.

  86. 86.

    k

    For us oldsters —
    Trump: Broderick Crawford
    Bannon: Gene Hackman
    Pence: Stephen Collins
    Conway: Jan Sterling
    Kushner: Dan Duryea
    etc.

  91. 91.

    mai naem mobile

    Bannon – Chaz Palminteri
    Mnuchin – Eugene Levy
    Ivanka – Parker Posey
    Kelly Anne – Dennis Leary
    Reince Priebus – Jimmy Fallon (his penance for fluffing Dolt 45)

  94. 94.

    janelle

    @Hawes: Stephen Miller is 31 years old (DOB August 23, 1985). Jonathan Banks just turned 70 years old. Not seeing it.

    Tony Hale would be a perfect fit, however.

  96. 96.

    J.A.F. Rusty Shackleford

    I’m not sure if Jesse Eisenberg has the wide, child-bearing hips to play Jared Kushner.

  101. 101.

    MCA1

    The popular Tony Hale suggestions upthread got me thinking that the entire cast and crew of Arrested Development would crush this movie. You could even let Jason Bateman play some Obama Administration holdover they forgot to fire, who spends his time wandering around, insulting people who are too dumb to know he’s making fun of them, and giving an incredulous deadpan look of “You are seeing this same ridiculous shit I am, right?” to the camera every once in awhile. Tambor could be Trump, Portia Di Rossi would slay as Kellyanne, Michael Cera as Miller, David Cross is Priebus. Will Arnett isn’t obvious as Bannon, but if you focus on the Dunning-Kruegerist tendencies and self-regard instead of the evil, he’d nail that easily.

  104. 104.

    PaulW

    this is like Oliver Stone’s Nixon bio-epic… except with Anthony Hopkins as Nixon we get the guy who used to lead sing for Limp Biskit as Trump.

  105. 105.

    Gravenstone

    @MCA1:

    You could even let Jason Bateman play some Obama Administration holdover they forgot to fire, who spends his time wandering around, insulting people who are too dumb to know he’s making fun of them, and giving an incredulous deadpan look of “You are seeing this same ridiculous shit I am, right?” to the camera every once in awhile.

    The only man in the building who knows how to work the fucking lights.

  106. 106.

    XTPD

    Changed mind – Cee-Lo Green should definitely play Sessions.

    Nas and Pras Michel are objectively terrible actors, and Nas’ dull surprise whenever involved in comedy is a wonder to behold. Both would be decent choices for a cringe-comedy w/r/t verisimilitude; Damon Wayans would be perfect for an intentionally funny Ben Carson, however.

    Tichina Arnold is a shoo-in to play Omarosa, as are either Ben or Fred Savage for Jared Kushner. Either Julia Louis-Dreyfus or Nasim Pedrad should provide the Huma to Nicole Sullivan’s Hillary.

  107. 107.

    hilts

    Jared Kushner – Michael Cera
    Ivanka Trump – Evan Rachel Wood
    Steve Bannon – Vincent D’Onofrio
    Mike Pence – John Slattery
    Michael T. Flynn – Dan Lauria
    Maureen Dowd – Christina Hendricks

  108. 108.

    hovercraft

    @MCA1:

    insulting people who are too dumb to know he’s making fun of them

    During yesterday’s presser a friend of mine said that the Shitgibbon probably didn’t catch the fact that Trudeau was throwing shade at him. Teh hee.

  110. 110.

    XTPD

    @PaulW: Legitimizing Fred Durst erased almost all the goodwill DJ Lethal built up with three (pretty good) House of Pain albums.

  113. 113.

    hovercraft

    @Barney:
    It’s not on at the moment, hiatus, but I caught it last year, as you say her Merkel is funny, she plays her straight in company, but when she’s with her assistant she is hilarious.

  122. 122.

    ThresherK

    @jl: Yeah, but there’s just something in W.C. Fields that screams “beset by forces that I don’t deserve”, like Mr. McGonigle, the blind man, coming into his store and breaking what seems to be an entire display of light bulbs with his cane.

    That is not Trump.

    Trump is a guy in over his head with scheming and conniving, but nature, the very cosmos, is always thinking three steps ahead of him.

    Trump’s story reminds me of that Twilight Zone where the low-life thinks he’s in heaven, but is actually in hell.

  126. 126.

    grrljock

    I approve the idea of an all female cast also too:

    Stephen Miller — Rooney Mara
    Steve Bannon — Oprah Winfrey
    Reince Preibus — Octavia Spencer
    Paul Ryan – Tracee Ellis Ross
    Jared Kushner — Hilary Swank
    Jeff Sessions — Janelle Monae
    Melania – Laura Benanti
    Trump – Kathy Bates
    Kellyanne Conway – Melissa Leo
    Mike Pence – Justina Machado
    Sean Spicer – Melissa McCarthy

Comments are closed.