When you are lying in bed about to go to sleep and are asked “Are you happy to be here” the correct answer is not “I miss Lily.”
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Come for the politics, stay for the snark.
Tick tock motherfuckers!
People are complicated. Love is not.
This really is a full service blog.
Today’s GOP: why go just far enough when too far is right there?
Optimism opens the door to great things.
Reality always lies in wait for … Democrats.
It may be funny to you motherfucker, but it’s not funny to me.
My years-long effort to drive family and friends away has really paid off this year.
You cannot shame the shameless.
And we’re all out of bubblegum.
Come for the politics, stay for the snark.
Wow, I can’t imagine what it was like to comment in morse code.
Roe isn’t about choice, it’s about freedom.
JFC, are there no editors left at that goddamn rag?
I see no possible difficulties whatsoever with this fool-proof plan.
If you are still in the GOP, you are an extremist.
“Everybody’s entitled to be an idiot.”
“woke” is the new caravan.
We cannot abandon the truth and remain a free nation.
Take hopelessness and turn it into resilience.
Since when do we limit our critiques to things we could do better ourselves?
Fuck these fucking interesting times.
Speaking of republicans, is there a way for a political party to declare intellectual bankruptcy?
Let’s not be the monsters we hate.
You are here: Home / Pro-Tips From Your Host
Corner Stone
JFC, JGC.
hedgehog the occasional commenter
Ooops.
Kenneth Kohl
Yeah, sometimes a little grunt is the best response… good luck.
dmsilev
So, heading back to WV sooner then expected?
Corner Stone
If he is about to go to sleep one would assume the little grunt had already…uuhhh…yeah.
Aleta
Funny.
Major Major Major Major
Just bring Lily with you next time!
TenguPhule
This has been another edition of John Cole’s Obvious Answers to Simple Questions.
Tune in next week to “Gas Gauge at E means its time to fill the tank.”
Jerzy Russian
Would this be a bad time to request that you post a few pictures of Lily? If so, then I won’t ask.
Corner Stone
“Little Grunt!”
“Sir, yes sir!”
“You are being called back to active duty post haste, soldier!”
“But, sir!”
“No questions asked, soldier! Triple C screwed the pooch on this mission and now it’s your turn to do or die!”
Mnemosyne
It’s best to get these things out in the open early in the relationship. You just need to be mentally prepared for the day that Rosie decides she prefers ABC’s company to yours.
J.A.F. Rusty Shackleford
That reminds me of this.
Dumbass.
jacy
For a low, low price you can get my extensive correspondence course “WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A WOMAN.” I’m an expert, because men have said lots and lots of stupid things to me over the years. And I took notes.
WereBear
Lighten up folks. I gather he’s rusty on this…
Corner Stone
@TenguPhule:
To be fair, I can admit that in similar circumstances (years and years ago) the phrase, “Well, Cindy Crawford isn’t knocking on my door” Is also not acceptable for the Russian Judge.
aimai
Ruh…Roh…
aimai
On second thought perhaps I should have reminded you that if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you are with?
seaninCLT
hehe hehehehheheheheheh hheeeheheheh
Corner Stone
On another note, some of the blame should be shared here, if you ask me. Why wasn’t someone cramming their cold nose into an armpit by that point? Huh? HUH??
Emma
Oy gevalt! John!
low-tech cyclist
@Jerzy Russian:
Would they help you sleep at night? ;-)
trollhattan
There are times I’m glad to be well past the courtin’ stage. This is one.
zhena gogolia
So funny.
Citizen_X
See? Not all disasters involve dislocating your shoulder, naked mopping, or losing the mustard.
Corner Stone
@trollhattan: Not another thread about “the Olds”…
Corner Stone
@Citizen_X: To be fair, only “losing the mustard” really only qualifies as a “disaster”. Mainly because it was such poor quality mustard to begin with.
Yarrow
I was wondering if you’d brought the piglets with you. If it’s any comfort, Lily is probably bereft without you too.
MazeDancer
“I miss Lily” is fine. As the third or fourth thing to say. After “It’s wonderful to be here” kind of things.
Because “Are you happy to be here?” is asking for reassurance. So hope your excellent way with words returned in all the creative sweetings you offered to make it up to her, reassuring how even the car collapse couldn’t erase how happy you are to be there. And how you felt so relaxed, happy, and delighted to be there you just skipped over those things like they’re just assumed and headed straight to opening up, something already established as difficult for you, and you can’t do with anyone else, about how much you love your dog.
She probably misses something or someone, too, when she visits you.
Major Major Major Major
@trollhattan: I was thinking the same thing!
Josie
You’re just trolling us now, right, John Cole? You just want to see how many bad relationship jokes we can come up with on short notice.
donnah
What a dork. Adorable, but still a dork.
Corner Stone
No More Romo! clap clap clapclapclap!
SiubhanDuinne
Oh, John.
JohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohnJohn
guachi
Lol.
Better than, “What did you say? I was thinking about where I put the mustard.”
Sarah in Brooklyn
Oh dear oh dear oh dear.
Josie
@Corner Stone: So, is this good news for Josh McCown?
Mnemosyne
@jacy:
To be fair, ABC seems to have her eyes wide open and know what she’s getting herself into going in, so there’s that in John’s favor. Did you read last night’s story about the Overalls Dispute?
Miss Bianca
@Major Major Major Major: Seconded. Then the question becomes, “Is Lily allowed to sleep on the bed?”
Corner Stone
Shut up! Shut Up! SHUT UP! SHUTUP!!
Never again mention the names Texans and Romo in the same sentence! NEVER!
hovercraft
“Are you happy to be here” the correct answer is not “I miss Lily.”
What the fuck is wrong with you, are you trying to fuck this up?
We like her and we’d like you to be able to keep her.
To that end here are the basics:
No that does not make her look fat.
No she does not have dragon breath in the morning.
Yes she makes you happy.
No the fact that I had to drive 8 hours, had a breakdown in the middle of bumfuck nowhere was not annoying, you are worth it and more. I didn’t even mind that you confiscated my best overalls.
Also try not to embarrass her with her neighbors by walking around outside in your underwear.
These are just a few tips, I’d add that you probably shouldn’t have told her about our existence but, oh well.
ABC if you read this, I’d like to apologize for JC, he’s not used to this, he’s used to hanging out in a glorified pet rescue frat house, he’s still learning. With just a little training he’ll turn into a model partner.
amk
dumb ass.
Corner Stone
@Josie: Looks like he is odds on favorite to be the backup QB in Dallas. So, yeah, I guess?
Would you rather be the backup on an overall quality team, or the guy getting your brains bashed in every Sunday on a truly horrible team?
Major Major Major Major
@Miss Bianca: It’s a much better question.
SFAW
@dmsilev:
Actually, he landed there … let’s see, speed of sound … distance from CT to WV … carry the 7 … adjust for Doppler … about five seconds after she (literally) kicked him out of bed.
If I lived in Westchester County, I probably could have heard the scream as he flew overhead. (Unless he was ballistic, of course.)
? Martin
Wait, Romo is going to the Texans? Cool.
Villago Delenda Est
While snuggling with a dog or a cat, or several, is all well and good, human companionship is better, for humans, that is.
Josie
@Corner Stone: For a, let’s call him “more mature” quarterback, back-up on Dallas sounds pretty good. But then I am not a pro football player, so what do I know?
Josie
@? Martin: Bite your tongue.
Villago Delenda Est
You know nothing, John Cole.
aimai
@SFAW: Perhaps there was a sonic boom? or would that be a sonic boob?
quakerinabasement
Here’s hoping your little misstep was met with gentle teasing and lots of laughter. Your bond with your animals is one of your best qualities, JC.
kindness
I will hope John gave that answer inside his head like he should. Remember what it takes to be a successful couple John. What you don’t say is sometimes more important than what you do say.
Jerzy Russian
@Corner Stone: I often thought that the backup quarterback has one of the better jobs out there, especially if the starting quarterback is good. You make a decent salary, you might make it to the playoffs and get a few rings, and you are (usually) not getting your ass beat up every Sunday.
WaterGirl
Wow! I am so out of it. Can someone please point me to the thread where we learned that Cole is seeing someone??
HeleninEire
Also, too, blogging about it is prolly not a good idea either.
Corner Stone
@Jerzy Russian: I would agree that it’s an amazingly good job, for the reasons you state. But the point being that most people who make it into the NFL roster on a team for playing day do not usually enjoy being a backup. They are winners and competitors.
smintheus
Haven’t seen commentary yet on this infuriating article. We’re supposed to sympathize with Martha Brawley, who voted for Trump supposedly because she thought he’d make Obamacare better. She had gotten life-saving health insurance for the first time under the ACA, and claims that she believed Trump would make it cheaper than her already dirt-cheap insurance plan.
Somehow I suspect that she had other reasons for voting for Trump. You didn’t need any particular insight to realize that Republicans had never lifted a finger to do anything about lowering the cost of health care or make health insurance more widespread, and that for 7 years they had been monomaniacally obsessed with repealing the health law that had saved her life.
Way to reward the party that went to bat for you, Martha. If anybody deserves the disaster that is RyanCare, you do.
Mike E
@HeleninEire: and, on Int’l Women’s Day!
gratuitous
Okay, so, that was a mistake, but that’s how we learn things, Cole. Just a little refresher, in case you’re not up on this whole “things not to say in a relationship” thing, if she ever asks, “Do these pants make my butt look big?” There’s only one thing to do. Bug out your eyes as you stare over her shoulder, point and yell, “OHMYGOD, LOOK AT THAT!!” When she turns her head, run. Run fast. Run far. Run deep into the night. I will not trouble to explain all the finer points, but that question is a trap. Just run.
hovercraft
@WaterGirl:
Here you go
On a Personal Note
by John Cole at 1:05 pm on February 21, 2017. It has 274 Comments.
ATTN: People of Connecticut – Balloon Juice
http://www.balloon-juice.com/2017/03/07/attn-people-of-conn...
16 hours ago … by John Coleat10:13 pm on March 7, 2017 . … I will note that ABC made me remove the overalls when I arrived (I’m surprised I was allowed to cross the threshold, tbh) and hid them so I had to …. Like, a girlfriend woman.
SFAW
@aimai:
I guess either one works. I believe you and I are in the same neck of the woods, so unfortunately — or perhaps fortunately — I don’t think the noise from the boom/boob would have reached here.
Of course, if her leg were strong enough, his re-entry velocity might have caused air friction to ignite his overalls, and we might have been able to see the flare. (I am such a fucking geek/dork/nerd sometimes.)
Villago Delenda Est
@smintheus:
Such as:
1. Stick it to that bitch who actually embraces New Testament values
2. Stick it to the liberals
3. Stick it to the mezzikens, the muslins, the blahs, the old Europeans…
Major Major Major Major
@Villago Delenda Est: Some people are also just idiots.
Mnemosyne
@quakerinabasement:
From what we’ve seen of ABC so far, her reaction was probably an acerbic comment followed by a sock in the arm for being a stupid asshole. But that’s the kind of woman he needs.
Mnemosyne
@gratuitous:
G’s answer to questions like that is, “It’s not your most flattering outfit.”
This is why we’ve been able to stay together for (almost) 17 years.
hovercraft
@Major Major Major Major:
Ding, ding, ding.
I’m not saying there wasn’t an element of those other things, but as someone relying on Obamacare, you’d think she’d take the time find out that he has three mantras, build the wall, repeal Obamacare on day one and ban mooslems.
She’s a moran.
Thru the Looking Glass...
Btw…
Front page lead page of the SF Chronicle hard copy this morning:
Front page lead story of Wall Street Journal hard copy this morning:
At least the Chronicle had the decency to put the word ‘alleged’ in their head line…
Damn, I wish I had laid some bets down last night before going to bed…
You KNEW this was going to happen… you could have set your watch by it…
So now, a certain percentage of the population thinks Breitbart, Fox News, Info Wars, and PUTIN are a better source of information than their own stinkin’ government…
It’s going to take years, if not decades, if it’s even possible, to fix the damage those arses have done to this country in less than 2 months…
WaterGirl
@hovercraft: thank you thank you thank you!
PaulW
Wait, IS LILY OKAY?! :O
The Moar You Know
If this is going to work, she’s gonna have to be able to deal with John’s brain. And that reply is John’s brain.
And in all honesty, I’d probably have said the same thing, supplanting my dog’s name with his. Difference is, my wife probably would have said it first.
smintheus
@Villago Delenda Est: 4. All of the above.
chopper
remember, cole, first pants then your shoes.
rikyrah
NO.YOU.DIDN’T.
BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Oh Cole.
Brachiator
Wow. What a slip. Be careful or, to quote the late Bill Paxton from “Aliens,”
Game over, man! Game over!
rikyrah
I hope that she reads the blog and understands that you meant no harm, Cole. I know you didn’t. I hope she gets it.
Villago Delenda Est
@rikyrah: I think she will, but in any case the peanut gallery will be standing on the north side of the field, holding our sides and trying to maintain our balance while laughing at the Subaru in the middle of it.
Shell
Why do I feel this is some kind of writing exercise….”Complete this paragraph.”
stinger
@quakerinabasement: If ABC is the The Ladyfriend I think she is, his reply was met with the same gale of affectionate laughter that met the “filly in my herd” comment. I trust her.
Barbara
Well, when my husband first met my dog he said he knew instantly that a lot was riding on how well he treated my canine friend. How a man treats a dog says a lot. Missing your pup is a good sign IMHO.
Humboldtblue
Probably didn’t even take his overalls off.
Alain the site fixer
Ignore this comment.
Ohio Mom
@rikyrah: breaking my promise to myself to stay out of our host’s personal business to say to you:
Very well-said.
canuckistani
She knows Lily is a dog, right? And not your ex-girlfriend?
J R in WV
@Alain the site fixer:
You gotta be kidding us, in this thread???
John, I think there is a positive side to your answer. She now knows that you don’t even have the circuitry in your brain to tell a lie. Maybe you should point that out? Maybe not.
But really, you’re correct, not the right answer.
Have a nice long weekend visit!! Hope the Subaru gets you back home when the time comes. If there’s a local dealer, maybe you should take it in for a checkup? I think they have some unique characteristics that the dealer would be better able to cope with.
ET
Dude! (shakes head)
Yarrow
@Ohio Mom: ABC must be okay with it and thought it was funny because otherwise Cole wouldn’t have posted about it. Cole’s a good guy and he’s making fun of himself but if it was a real issue he would keep quiet.
p.a.
WaaaaHaaaaaHaaaaaaHaaaaaa
1) You’re obviously still alive
2) If you are still identifiably male ‘down there’
3) If you are still at her place
4) She’s a keeper
5) You don’t deserve her
ETA: OH BOY DOES SHE HAVE HAND
satby
No worries, John’s got this.
OT and posted upstairs too, this little guy needs rescue in CA.
Mnemosyne
@rikyrah:
Honestly, I don’t think he would be telling us this without her permission after the two of them worked it out. He’s not that dumb.
And I still think her reaction was, “Don’t be such an asshole, John” and a punch in the arm.
ETA: She does read and comment on the blog — keep an eye out for ABC.
Yarrow
@Mnemosyne: At some point “I miss Lily’ will become a completely hilarious joke between the two of them, if it isn’t already. In a healthy relationship that’s how stuff like that works.
hitchhiker
This post is JC’s endearing public apology to ABC. It says, “I am a knucklehead, but look! I know that I am a knucklehead, and I am so willing to learn and become a better man that I’ll invite thousands of people to smile at the thought of my knuckle-headedness.”
Hi, ABC. He really is a keeper.
Monkeyfister
Criminy.
I miss-read that, and PANICKED thinking something had happened to Lily. SO glad I re-read it before going off in a sad freakout.
ruckus
@jacy:
Some of us in the lessor development half of humanity can actually learn not to make the
same asinine mistakes, over and over. Not that we necessarily learn all that fast, but still………
satby
@satby: And update, the alert helped line up some potential adopters, so fingers crossed.
ruckus
@trollhattan:
One is never past the age of courting, just the absolute necessity.
ruckus
@canuckistani:
What do you mean ex?
Miss Bianca
@canuckistani:
Oh, now *that* is just wicked – LOL! As if Cole weren’t courting trouble enough with Lily being The Dog in His LIfe!
Suffragete City elftx
Aww “that was actually rather cute” is what I thought after laughing like hell.
Hope she doesn’t have any frying pans ;)
JCJ
Ya know, this blog helps with my sanity. If the election hadn’t been bad enough during a trip to Bangkok in December to visit my mother in law my wife became full blown psychotic again. The stress levels have been running up to 11 for quite a while now. Reading this post is definitely good therapy.
John
lol
NotMax
On the brighter side, could have been much, much worse.
“I miss my regular bitch.”
Aleta
@JCJ: I hope it gets easier for you and your wife soon. (I remember once in SE Asia, the effect of jet lag/time travel on my friend’s body rhythm (she’d just returned from the US) caused her to have a break. Even though she had been on the right medication. It was years ago, and it was hard then to find a doctor who understood. In the end the embassy helped establish contact with her doctor in the US.)
Helmut Monotreme
The first thing you say in the morning when you wake up should not be “Who are you, and where’s the regular girl?”.
JaneE
Whenever we go away for a night, my husband usually gets about 10-20 miles down the road before he says “I miss Scooter”. In fact, he really does not sleep well (or at all) if Scooter isn’t on the bed. Of course, he is not the one with a 17 lb. weight on his chest all night.
The Pale Scot
.
Pogonip
Well, Steve’s a passable Maine Coon, but I don’t think they’ll allow 3 mutts in Connecticut. (My aunt and uncle live in Connecticut, and had to show THEIR pedigrees before moving in.). Mrs. Cole will have to move to West by-God Virginia. So she better stop hiding the overalls, she’ll need them.
brendancalling
@hovercraft: listen to hovercraft
The Pale Scot
@Corner Stone:
If I’d had a good career with a couple years left, I’d go for the starting job. Romo’s not playing for a check, he’s playing for the Ring. An extra 20m on top of a 100m already earned isn’t worth the physical risk. For guys like Tony, the Ring is.
Paul W.
Bed, you say?
Betty
I think she will appreciate your honesty- as well as your ability to laugh at yourself. Those are both great qualities, but, yes, a little more tact would be good too.
Irony Abounds
Nothing enhances a relationship like hundreds of online relationship counselors. What could possibly go wrong.
KlareCole
Cole, are you making this up to entertain us? (Well done.) ABC Is some gal if she can enjoy this large family of sideline participants. So looking forward to hearing from her. Did she give you a towel when she took you bibs? Maybe you were dirty from the car breakdown & she was trying to clean you up? I hope she enjoys the incredible sandwiches you describe. Assuming she is an animal person, she would understand your Lily comment. You got great advice today. And just knowing that she is in on your posts, (Oh God, please!) she sounds like lots of fun. Happy for you!
wenchacha
It struck me as endearingly goofy. Honest. Just be sure to be interested in her stuff, too.
Good luck to you.
different-church-lady
JUST TEXT US NEXT TIME BEFORE YOU ANSWER!
different-church-lady
THE DRESS NEVER MAKES HER LOOK FAT!
CaseyL
OK, I laughed. But then I thought about it and remembered that Lily is possibly the first creature, human or otherwise, that John fell madly in love with. Weak in the knees in love with. I remember when he went visiting away from home for the first time after he adopted Lily, and he mentioned how much he missed her.
So I take this as an excellent sign! ABC asks John if he’s happy to be with her in her house, and his instinctive reaction is to think of someone else he adores; i.e., Lily. ABC reminds him of Lily, emotionally. That’s a good thing!
Or am I overthinking this?