In case you want to share your X-Files fan fiction with DHS…
1-855-48-VOICE https://t.co/o0LUR6GCCS
— Parker Molloy (@ParkerMolloy) April 27, 2017
The Trump Administration in an attempt to otherize non-white people and scare the living bejesus out of the Republican marks base has set up a hotline to gather reports of crimes committed by aliens.
NASA has recently been finding planets that might be in the Goldilocks zones and evidently those inhabitants are causing a lot of trouble on earth. So if you see any strange people near Roswell jaywalking, give the hotline a call.
randy khan
Of course they’ve set up a hotline. And it will get eleventy-seven calls a day from people sure that the guys with brown skin they saw at the traffic light are “illegals.”
jl
ET poked at me with his finger. Is that a crime? Aw, who cares? I was molested by ET! I’ll call the hotline.
Edit: BTW, was ET a ‘he’? I want to make an accurate report.
Edit2: IIRC correctly the end of ET’s finger was kind of glowing pinkish thing. I THINK it was a finger… Man, thank Trump that they set up this hotline just in time.
ArchTeryx
I ought to tell them that Washington DC is the epicenter of an outbreak of Things. (Read: Who Goes There?, The Thing from Another World, John Carpenter’s The Thing, etc).
They look and act like ordinary humans, waiting to explode into fanged horrors when they think they’re alone with their prey, to spread themselves to other human hosts.
And Patient Zero wasn’t some random dog this time. It was Pepe the Frog.
?BillinGlendaleCA
I read(or maybe saw it on the TV box) that aliens do anal probes on humans when they take them on their spaceships, it’s that a crime?
ETA: Sounds like jl may have be “probed”.
ArchTeryx
@?BillinGlendaleCA: No, that’s what gets done every time I have to go in for a colonoscopy. I think I’ll take the aliens.
Stan
+1!
?BillinGlendaleCA
@jl: Are you sure it wasn’t one of these?
khead
I’m having a *bit* of a hard time not choking the shit out of people I know on FB right now. So, I’m gonna hang out here for a while until I go to bed.
Suzanne
Can I share something off-topic but cool? This is the project I have been working on for more than two years, and I got some great press.
jl
@?BillinGlendaleCA: Just remember to forward any phishing attempts from King Jarthron of planet Ziggatron, who has massive funds from his deceased father-mother collective sadly off-planeted, and who needs help from a person with the utmost discretion.. And report Duck Dodgers of the 24th and a half century. He’s been running a unobtanium mining scam.
Edit: sorry I meant Illudium Phosdex. But the unobtanium thing is a scam too, FYI.
Kropadope
“VOICE” has a nice ring to it. “VOICE,” definitely what conservative white Christian Republicans born in the U.S. lack.
jl
@Suzanne: Looks like a worthwhile project, but the articles seems to be gated. I’ll search for it, though.
joel hanes
@randy khan:
“illegals”
It’s far worse than that.
The charter of the new organization says nothing about the legal status of the immigrant — they’ll happily accept anecdotes about harms done by any “immigrant”, including naturalized citizens, those who have melanin in their skin, those who are not Christian, those who speak limited English.
The first decent court to hear a challenge should shut down the entire enterprise immediately, because it’s a transparent attempt to subject one class of citizens to a kind of surveillance and reporting that white English-speacking Americans will be exempt from. Differential enforcment.
Sessions really is the worst.
jl
@?BillinGlendaleCA: What about you, BillinGlendale? Weren’t you bragging about glowing in the dark a while back? That sounds pretty alien to me. Maybe I should report you on the hotline. If you are not a very suspicious alien, I don’t know who is. And some of your photos look pretty funny too, like kind of alien wavelength photos. Case closed.
?BillinGlendaleCA
@jl: Oh my, thank you jl; I never would have thought of that.
MomSense
@Suzanne:
Holy shit, that is fucking brilliant. Brava!
FlyingToaster
@khead: BJ’ers may be jackals, but we’re sane, polite jackals.
I’ve declined to get a Facebook account because of a) 5 crazy ass cousins, b) hypocritical Xtianist inlaws (who believe witnessing to the evangelical athiest and the non-practicing Jew is somehow welcome) and c) the other 601 people in my HS graduating class. Two of my siblings and one niece have accounts, and lock those suckers down to keep out the riff-raff.
jl
@joel hanes: There were news reports about border agents hassling citizens who could, by very a very wild stretch of a malicious imagination, merit targeting under Trump’s Muslim ban EO. So, this hotline thing will surely lead to harassment of all sorts of people.
I hope a 9th Circuit judge on some weird little Pacific Island, or maybe a notoriously out of control state, shuts it down quickly.
Another Scott
GovExec:
(Emphasis added.)
As usual with Donnie, it’s bluster. Overworked people are going to be “assigned” more to do but with no extra resources. So, it won’t get done.
Cheers,
Scott.
NotMax
Classic Twilight Zone (the extremely truncated version).
?BillinGlendaleCA
@jl: You just wish you had a heat sensing camera, jl.
jl
@Another Scott: So, sounds like right minded citizens can end the program just by calling in BS until the phone mail is full?
Edit: Sounds like it won’t require all that many calls.
NotMax
Suppose 48-VOICE is an improvement (albeit not as effective a mnemonic device) over GUT-MICE.
Another Scott
@Suzanne: Excellent. Thanks for the link, and congratulations!
Cheers,
Scott.
amk
@Another Scott: twitler is all about shiny objects for the rethug marks.
sudo
Damn aliens kidnapped me and my wife and gave us anal probes, murdered my cows, and left giant alien gang signs in my crops ruining many of them. I’m told this is the number to report it!
Mnemosyne
Since this mostly seems to be an open thread, I’m drinking water right now after having had three (3) drinks at our admin professionals party at work. Yes, we get an open bar for our party.
How drunk was I? Drunk enough to tell some of my coworkers that I’m writing a romance novel. ?
Michael G
Can I report Melania?
Suzanne
@MomSense: Awww thanks! I wouldn’t say brilliant, but my office is definitely hoping that we win some major design awards for it. Fingers crossed.
Mnemosyne
@Suzanne:
Very nice — congratulations! It’s a good feeling to work on a project that’s meant to help people, not just something commercial.
Major Major Major Major
@Mnemosyne: Wow, my coworkers tell each other that sober. (I assume.)
Suzanne
@Mnemosyne: I only do healthcare, so it is very gratifying. My office has three studios (education, healthcare, and senior living), plus we do some specialty projects for veterans and Native Americans, so it is a great place to work. It feels good to use one’s skills for the betterment of society.
Mnemosyne
@Major Major Major Major:
I’m pretty reticent at work, especially for an entertainment company, so they were a little surprised to hear I have a secret romance novelist life (or at least aspire to having one).
Emma
@Suzanne: Amazing work! What an interesting profession.
MobiusKlein
Just called, but too chicken to troll the operators with my plight of Jay walking brown folks.
The shocking thing to my gringo ears is the horrid accent on the ‘press two for Spanish’ part of the message. Didn’t bother to get a bilingual voice recorded.
Achrachno
@Michael G: Yes, and that orange guy she hangs out with. He’s more suspicious.
Suzanne
@Emma: The building is going to be complete in a month and open in July. So we will be entering a lot of competitions. I don’t typically go for design awards, but it would be good PR for a HUUUUUGE future project that we are going for.
efgoldman
Obviously we should all call in and report that a strange Orange Shitgibbon alien from space has clouded the minds of 60 million+ white, god-fearing Americans.
Steeplejack
@Suzanne:
Great work and great coverage. Kudos!
frosty
@Suzanne: Nice work and congratulations!
Mnemosyne
This is a minor thing in all of the major-league assholery going on, but apparently there are jerks who go around to various drive-thrus in LA and make videos mocking the employees for having accents. I didn’t know this until G’s tutoring student broke down in tears during one of their sessions because this recently happened to her. It was especially discouraging for her because she’s very self-conscious about her accent but can’t afford to pay for classes to help her reduce it because she works in fast food and has 3 kids.
Shorter me: entitled assholes are assholes.
Chet Murthy
Mnem, for those of us who are (ahem) fiction-challenged (ok, ok: truly I don’t understand how I passed HS English — I cannnot write a decent paragraph!), maybe you and the other enlightened and fiction-competent folks on this blog could help us imbeciles out, with a plausible script for our calls to the hotline?
Think of it as a sort of “interactive fiction IRL”? OK, OK,I’m just joking. But in a way, I’m not. I surely would like to jam that ph# with calls. But it sure would be nice to stretch out the phone call as long as possible, right? ISTR for telemarketing a few kind souls created scripts one could follow to drag it out as long as possible.
I know I have no reason (good or otherwise) to ask, but …. of some of the more *imaginative*folks could concoct such scripts, lordy, I’d be -so- down with following them.
efgoldman
@Mnemosyne:
In LA? One of the most varied, cosmopolitan cities on the planet?
Maybe the drive thru clerks should carry a squirt gun…
…loaded with Clorox.
frosty
@Mnemosyne:
Were they looking forward to reading it? Did you get the impression that they thought they’d get some insight into your work at the Giant Evil Corporation (did I get that right)? Or insight into your time spent outside the GEC?
Uh, asking for a friend.
Brachiator
@Suzanne:
Wow. I didn’t realize that Bruce Banner (aka the Incredible Hulk) had been working on this.
Seriously, very cool.
frosty
@Suzanne:
Agreed. I had a goal to get into architecture but for several reasons I ended up as an engineer/planner. I’ve spent the last 30 years in watershed restoration and I hope by the time I’m gone the Chesapeake Bay will be further on the way to recovery because of it.
Mnemosyne
@Chet Murthy:
I was starting to think about that myself. I know we have at least two playwrights, and that’s probably the way to go — writing a short monologue.
You’d probably need to have it start out sounding plausible, and slowly get weirder as the story evolved. And no more than 5 to 7 minutes long. ?
@frosty:
They seemed interested — one said she might want to read it in her mother/daughter book group.
The good thing about working at a Giant Evil Corporation in entertainment is that nobody thinks it’s weird if you have artistic ambitions, since half the people working there are actual professional artists. Having those ambitions while working at a medical center was a little more problematic.
Suzanne
@Brachiator: Banner Health is one of the top ten largest health systems in the country, and the largest private employer in AZ. So a big deal. They took a chance hiring me and I’m hoping they love the building.
Brachiator
@Another Scott:
Much of this has nothing to do with getting anything done. It’s about scapegoats and demonization. “Immigration Crime.” Orwell would be very impressed.
Mnemosyne
@Chet Murthy:
One caveat to the above, though: since this hotline number is going to be spread far and wide among the barely-functional paranoids on the conservative side, Poe’s Law will definitely be in effect. Remember when the Georgia legislature had a woman testify under oath about it being bad to implant RFID chips in humans, and she started talking about how the CIA had done that to her and that’s how she knew it was bad?
frosty
@Mnemosyne:
Hmm. I can imagine. Sounds like a better fit for the moment.
Suzanne
@frosty: That’s awesome. I occasionally fantasize about going back to school and doing a Ph.D in planning, but I’m a designer by Inclination. And I have enough student debt already.
Chet Murthy
@Mnemosyne:
Holmes, do you have a surveillance device implanted in my brain? Exactly why a fiction writer is de rigueur.
@Mnemosyne: ROFL. And even more reason to get a fiction writer’s guidance.
As they say, “too crazy for the Onion”.
Brachiator
@Suzanne: Again, all joking aside, the building looks great. Congratulations, and I hope the Banner people are suitably pleased with your work.
efgoldman
@frosty:
I’m glad you’re hopeful, but I’m afraid it’s going to have to be done by VA and MD without much federal help, as long as the flying monkeys are in charge.
Mnemosyne
@Chet Murthy:
Another slightly cruel way to do it would be to have the story cut off right when the speaker gets to the good part so the listener doesn’t get to hear how it ends.
People would have to spoof the numbers they call from, though. Otherwise it becomes too obvious that you’re pranking them.
socraticsilence
Calling about about an illegal alien working as a journalist in Kansas who keeps destroying the hard work and investments of job creators like “Rick Scott”.
socraticsilence
Who do I report this Hungarian Nazi I keep seeing in the background of White House photos to?
efgoldman
@Mnemosyne:
I dunno’ about that, if you only call once or twice.
Leaving your message in a thick Russian accent is a nice touch, though.
Suzanne
@Brachiator: THANKS! I don’t like the color of the EIFS (too pink), and I wanted the fins to be made of translucent architectural fabric on a tension system rather than the dark gray perforated metal, but the masonry looks rad and the curtain wall is very nice, not to mention expensive. They didn’t use any of my quotes about the aesthetics or the energy performance of the building, but the ends of the corridors are detailed to look like rice paper lanterns, honoring Japanese architecture and Frank Lloyd Wright’s Taliesin West, which is also in Scottsdale. DAMNIT they left out all the awesome design stuff.
efgoldman
@socraticsilence:
While you’re at it, report that he falsified his academic “credentials”.
Major Major Major Major
@socraticsilence: pretty sure Scott’s an alien too.
dogwood
Congratulations Suzanne.
People were talking about The Handmaid’s Tale a couple of days ago. Just watched episode 1 and loved it. Elizabeth Moss!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I’d be remiss if I didn’t give a shout out to Stars Hollow’s very own Rory Gilmore. She’s terrific as Ofglen.
Suffragete City elftx
Chaffetz is returning to Utah for emergency surgery on his foot. Says he will be out of Congress 3-4 wks.
(to remove hardware from a prior surgery yrs back so infection does not set in)
So does Cummings take over on the Oversight Committee now??
I hope I hope I hope.
Chet Murthy
@Mnemosyne: People would have to spoof the numbers they call from, though. Otherwise it becomes too obvious that you’re pranking them.
Chet Murthy
@Chet Murthy: Argh. I. Know. Nothing. About. HTML.
efgoldman
@Suffragete City elftx:
No. T’ain’t the way it works.
Next most senior member of the majority. According to their website, it’s some guy named Duncan from Tennessee. Their side also includes such intellectual and morally upright shining stars as Issa, Foxx, Sanford, Desjarlais, Gowdy, Meadows, Farenthold, and a buncha’ nobodies.
Holy shit. No wonder they can’t even write a simple bill.
ETA: Time was, even the opposition in the house had people that were at least educated and could read and write. I swear most of the RWNJs had to hire out their exams and papers.
?BillinGlendaleCA
@efgoldman: No Louie Gohmert?
Major Major Major Major
@Chet Murthy: well, the original idea first took the form of SGML, or Standard Generalized Markup Language, which is more a meta-language or a way of creating markup languages. They theorized that a document can best be modeled as an Ordered Hierarchy of Content Objects, or OHCO, which is a directed mathematical graph…
efgoldman
@?BillinGlendaleCA:
Not on that committee, no.
I guess there are some things even flying monkeys won’t allow him to touch.
He’s on natural resources (i.e. the committee to protect oil and gas) and on judiciary (i.e. the committee to stick probes up women’s v v j)
efgoldman
@Major Major Major Major:
It’s too fucking late at night to be causing headaches on the East Coast, thank you.
Shouldn’t you be getting about 17 hours sleep?
Major Major Major Major
@efgoldman: after this episode of Elementary.
westyny
VOICE is Nazi jive. It should be roundly ridiculed before being forcibly rejected. On another topic, I glanced at CNN tonight and Anderson Coop[er was interviewing four tools, including the egregious Jeffrey Lord, all of whom were positive on the new tax non-plan. Not one dissenting voice. This thing is a fiasco. Oh, btw, Lord claimed in passing that Reagan brought down the deficit. Only one panelist mildly demurred and he rejoined that it was because the Democrats in the House didn’t cut spending to match the tax cut. Cooper just stood there with about as much comprehension as an albino alligator. Not to suggest that he is albino (the great Johnny Winter would have had more sense), nor to insult the rare and beautiful albino alligators that Betty Cracker counts to fall asleep.
joel hanes
Hello, VOICE ? I think my neighbors are hiding a family of illegals in their attic, maybe for a long time.
The attic people hardly never come out. I only seen the adults sneaking in or out once or twice, but I seen the kid, the girl with dark hair, a couple times in the window.
What? no, I dunno, but if they ain’t got nothing to hide, why are they hiding ? You answer me that.
My wife says the little girl’s name is Anne. F-something.
You know what I think?
I think they’re Jews. They’re dressed funny, know what I mean? Old fashioned clothes. Not American.
Yarrow
@Suzanne: That’s very cool. Congratulations, Suzanne! I liked reading about the biophilic principles and views of nature. Sounds like it’ll really help the people who need to be there.
hellslittlestangel
Dear DHS Forum,
I’m just a regular guy. I never expected to make it with two alien chicks at the same time …
Leo Sigh
@dogwood: Weirdly that keeps popping up on my horizon. Think the universe is telling me something. Added to the list of must watches. Thanks! :)
cckids
@Suzanne: Congratulations! A beautiful, thoughtful place, and some great publicity. Well done.
NobodySpecial
Everyone should report in that some dirty Roosian has been seen attempting to bribe government officials.
sukabi
@jl: maybe every sane American should call the hotline and report a yuge influx of illegal Russian alien pods that have replaced the Republicans in Washington DC.
Yarrow
@Suffragete City elftx:
This is weird. I know someone who had hardware removed in a similar surgery and didn’t need that long to recover. I wonder if there’s more to it.
sharl
Congratulations Suzanne! It’s understandable that you would have liked more details in that article, but for a publication generally intended for the general public, I think they put a fair amount of detailed information in the piece. I’m just an aging STEM dude, not an architect or designer, but just from what was in that article I found your work to be quite impressive. Well done, and best wishes for getting good future projects!
gene108
@Suzanne:
This is fucking awesome!!!!!! ??????????
When I was in in-patient there was a serious lack of space for physical activity of any kind. Made some people fidgety.
Ella in New Mexico
Do loose cows and dudes dragging stolen truck seats across Main Street count?
Ella in New Mexico
@Yarrow: He posted the x-rays of his foot. It looks like his heel/foot is made up of more metal than bone. It could take a long time to recover from a surgery like that…
But there’s not a fucking chance in hell that’s why he’s leaving Congress….
J R in WV
@frosty:
It seemed to me that as long as non-point source pollution is as unregulated as it is – in reality, I mean – that the Chesapeake Bay was nearly hopeless. WV is the smallest tiny bit of watershed for the Bay, yet farm runoff, timbering jobs, roads, etc, seem nearly impossible to get a grip on.
And if you did manage to get a grip, people who own the polluting resources will struggle against the new requirements like Exxon against Climate Change.
J R in WV
@frosty:
It seemed to me that as long as non-point source pollution is as unregulated as it is – in reality, I mean – that the Chesapeake Bay was nearly hopeless. WV is the smallest tiny bit of watershed for the Bay, yet farm runoff, timbering jobs, roads, etc, seem nearly impossible to get a grip on.
And if you did manage to get a grip, people who own the polluting resources will struggle against the new requirements like Exxon against Climate Change. Pig and poultry farmers, timber operators (who think they are the proper descendants of Davy Crockett) and oil and gas operators, just for a start.