I was not an easy child to raise, so here is one of my favorite stories about something my mother said as I was causing (well, as you will see, solving) problems.
I went to a small private school in Wheeling for several years (Linsly), and in my final year there (I left because I couldn’t play sports because there was no bus and it screwed with the carpooling), I got into an altercation. There was a fellow named Mark who was a total pain in the ass to me- always screwing with me, pushing me around, trying to bully me. This went on for months, until one day, while I was standing in front of my locker, he pushed me from behind into the locker. I turned around and decked him in the face, knocking him out and breaking his two front teeth. I still have the scar on my knuckle.
At any rate, that caused a brouhaha, with parent conferences and the like, but it all didn’t matter really because the next year I was transferring to the local county high school. So I was attending Brooke, and lo and behold, Mark had also transferred to Brooke. Apparently a slow learner, he continued fucking with me for whatever reason. One day, as I was sitting at a table in the school library, he came up behind me and tried to slammed my head into the table. So I stood up and knocked him out again.
This time, I got kicked out of school, and I had my library privileges revoked for the remainder of the year. When I got home, I told my mom what had happened, and told her that Mark had started his nonsense again, so I punched him, and that they had kicked me out of school for three days and revoked my library privileges for fighting there.
My mom, who had dealt with Mark and his parents after the last altercation, and knew this was a genetic thing, and who was also appropriately jaded by my other lifetime achievements in jackassery, just rolled her eyes and said one of the greatest things ever:
“Thank goodness you didn’t punch him while in the bathroom.”
So happy mother’s day, mom!
** I will note that these are the ONLY two fights I had in high school, so don’t go thinking I was some kind of goon. **
Baud
I was born with an evil gene, but my mom raised me to be a good person. On one hand, I am a good person. On the other hand, the internal conflict has been difficult to deal with.
Happy Day to all BJ mamas.
Jim, Foolish Literalist
and has Mark, per The Way We Live Now, reached out to by your friend on Facebook?
John Cole
@Jim, Foolish Literalist: no. fuck him.
Baud
@John Cole: Where is your royal purple?
Villago Delenda Est
THEN there’s Tyrion Lannister, who did something else to his own dad in the bathroom…
Mary G
Your mom is hilarious. I’m still chuckling at your OJ = obscene gesture story about her.
eclare
I was bullied, until I fought back and punched the girl who was the ringleader. Luckily I had a teacher and parents who understood, teacher even said you can tease a dog for only so long, at some point that dog is going to bite. All of us were sent home from school, back the next day, strangely everything was ok after that. Under Confederate Elf, I assume I would be charged with a felony.
rikyrah
good story, Cole.
hovercraft
I love your Mom!
Happy Mothers Day to all you jackal mothers coping with your own budding curmudgeons.
A Ghost to Most
I once had an asshole (think Grover Dill) in HS who would not leave me alone, safe in the knowledge that his Scut Farkas was nearby. One day I’d had enough, and decked him with one shot, hemorrhaging his eye. Farkas then worked me over, but Grover never fucked with me again.
Baud
@A Ghost to Most: The people in your school had interesting names.
OzarkHillbilly
@eclare: You’d be serving 50 to Life.
geg6
Heh. I had a similar situation in junior high with a much taller and bigger girl named Carrie, who was from a family of hillbillies who were always in trouble for something (that said, I was no angel but I wasn’t violent or a bully). She was always shoving me or knocking me or my books on the stairways and just generally a huge pain in the ass. I ignored it for the longest time, but one day in the cafeteria, I had both hands full with my tray and was going to sit down. My friend, Cathy, got up to get my chair for me and, unknown to me because it happened behind me, Carrie came up and pulled the chair out from under me as I was just about to sit. I ended up smack
dab on my tailbone. my skirt flew up and my lunch ended up down the front of me. And she stood there and laughed and laughed. I literally saw red and don’t remember what I did next but the next thing I knew, the assistant principal was pulling me off her. I had her on the ground, sitting on top of her, punching her all about the head and face. He took me to his office and asked what happened and called my mom. She had to leave work to come get me, so I figured I was in major trouble. She talked privately to the assistant principal and then grabbed me to leave. When we got in the car, she told me that it was about time I stood up to the bully. When I went to school the next day, I was called into the assistant principal’s office and he said pretty much the same thing but that since fighting was against school policy, I had to be suspended. So he was going to give me in school suspension and I’d spend it working in the main office. It was great! I got donuts every morning and could do my school work alone in the conference room and they brought me lunch and the secretaries were all so sweet and supportive. Best punishment ever! And that hillbilly bitch steered clear of me ever after.
A Ghost to Most
Names are from “A Christmas Story”. Thank Jean Shepherd.
Baud
@A Ghost to Most: Now I’m disappointed. I was hoping to hear of more adventures.
raven
And she’s a Dawg, what’s not to like???
hilzoy
I was going to recount the story of my one and only physical altercation in high school (this awful guy kept harassing me, claiming I had slept with him, which hell no, etc., and one day, when it was my turn to serve stuff in the lunchroom, so I couldn’t go anywhere, he kept bothering me, so I warned him that if he didn’t stop I would dump the vat of chocolate pudding on his head; he didn’t; I did. Oddly, I was not suspended.)
But then I googled him, and it turns out that he died of unknown causes 11 years ago. Yikes.
OzarkHillbilly
@geg6: So you’re the one who beat up my sweet innocent little sister! You are in trouble now. ;-)
Patricia Kayden
@geg6:
I had a bully in the 3rd grade. After he threw a trash can on top of me, I brought in a kitchen knife the next day to confront him (in true Jamaican style, lol). I got in trouble but in the end that was that. He never bothered me again. Sometimes you have to let people know who you are to get them off your back.
Happy Mother’s Day to all you moms (of humans and pets). Hope you’re having a nice day.
rikyrah
EVIL AZZ MUTHAPHUCKAS
At 3 a.m., NC Senate GOP strips education funding from Democrats’ districts
By Colin Campbell
N.C. Senate Republicans were visibly upset with Democrats for prolonging the budget debate with amendments during an after-midnight session Friday morning.
As the clock approached 1 a.m., Senate Minority Leader Dan Blue was summoned to the front of the chamber to talk privately with Senate leader Phil Berger. The Senate had rejected five amendments from Democrats to fund their spending priorities, but each time one proposal was shot down, another one was filed.
Senate Rules Chairman Bill Rabon abruptly called for a recess, stopping the proceedings for nearly two hours. GOP leaders headed to a conference room with legislative budget staff, while Democrats – some surprised by the lengthy delay – passed the time with an impromptu dance party in the hall.
The session finally resumed around 3 a.m., and Republican Sen. Brent Jackson introduced a new budget amendment that he explained would fund more pilot programs combating the opioid epidemic. He cited “a great deal of discussion” about the need for more opioid treatment funding.
Jackson didn’t mention where the additional $1 million would come from: directly from education programs in Senate Democrats’ districts and other initiatives the minority party sought.
Sen. Erica Smith-Ingram’s rural district in northeastern North Carolina took the biggest hit from the amendment. It strips $316,646 from two early college high schools in Northampton and Washington counties, and it specifically bans state funding from supporting a summer science, math and technology program called Eastern North Carolina STEM.
……………………..
The funding level for the program didn’t change, but seven counties represented by Smith-Ingram and fellow Democratic Sen. Angela Bryant were removed. Instead, the program will only apply to several counties represented by Republican senators.
http://www.newsobserver.com/news/politics-government/state-politics/article150397682.html#storylink=cpy
Butthurt Jordan Trombone (fka XTPD)
@rikyrah: This can’t possibly be legal, can it?
rikyrah
Republicans plan massive cuts to programs for the poor
Under pressure to balance the budget and align with Trump, the House GOP has its eye on food stamps, welfare and perhaps even veterans’ benefits.
By Rachael Bade and Sarah Ferris
05/14/17 07:23 AM EDT
House Republicans just voted to slash hundreds of billions of dollars in health care for the poor as part of their Obamacare replacement. Now, they’re weighing a plan to take the scalpel to programs that provide meals to needy kids and housing and education assistance for low-income families.
President Donald Trump’s refusal to overhaul Social Security and Medicare — and his pricey wish-list for infrastructure, a border wall and tax cuts — is sending House budget writers scouring for pennies in politically sensitive places: safety-net programs for the most vulnerable.
Under enormous internal pressure to quickly balance the budget, Republicans are considering slashing more than $400 billion in spending through a process to evade Democratic filibusters in the Senate, multiple sources told POLITICO.
The proposal, which would be part of the House Budget Committee’s fiscal 2018 budget, won’t specify which programs would get the ax; instead it will instruct committees to figure out what to cut to reach the savings. But among the programs most likely on the chopping block, the sources say, are food stamps, welfare, income assistance for the disabled and perhaps even veterans benefits.
If enacted, such a plan to curb safety-net programs — all while juicing the Pentagon’s budget and slicing corporate tax rates — would amount to the biggest shift in federal spending priorities in decades.
Atop that, GOP budget writers will also likely include Speaker Paul Ryan’s (R-Wis.) proposal to essentially privatize Medicare in their fiscal 2018 budget, despite Trump’s unwavering rejection of the idea. While that proposal is more symbolic and won’t become law under this budget, it’s just another thorny issue that will have Democrats again accusing Republicans of “pushing Granny off the cliff.”
http://www.politico.com/story/2017/05/14/republicans-cuts-programs-food-stamps-welfare-veterans-238314
A Ghost to Most
@Baud:
Many adventures. Military, tornadoes, TMI (3 Mile Island), DFH sprung from White Identity family. Typical American.
cain
I bullied in junior high school, some kids took my books and all that. I knew they wanted to get a reaction out of me, and made some attempts to get it, then summary ignored them. When they took my books I pretended I didn’t want them. I was one stubborn son of a bitch. I continued to be a happy bubbly person. Which worked against them because the teacher started getting pissed off at what has happening. I finally mysteriously got my books back.
In high school, I got bullied a couple fo times, but someone always stepped up to defend me.. I’ve started fights by doing nothing. :-)
My mom didn’t really know any of that stuff. The worst bullying I had was in India, rich private school assholes are some really sick people.. Meh.
brendancalling
Mine was named Jason. He bullied me until I choked him out while slamming his head on the floor and shrieking girlishly “stop calling me spaz!!”
cain
@rikyrah:
Veteran benefits? oh boy, that will go down well with military families and vets who need that assistance to live. Way to go, Republicans. One should ask if really balancing the budget is really that fucking important? Plus, tax cuts to the rich? This is the stupidest fiscal and idea… They are cutting their own throats, and not even a voter id bill is going to keep them in power.
Ella in New Mexico
Having three boys who were “less than perfect” and a great husband who helped me understand them, I learned a long time ago that contrary to all my non-violent conflict resolution training, sometimes the only thing that will get some of these assholes and jerks off a kid’s back is a good, old-fashioned ass-kicking. Works like magic, it seems.
Rest assured she was secretly very proud of your valor, John. ;-)
CaseyL
That is a darling photo, and a terrific story. I also got into fights in elementary school against a whole gaggle of little bastards, but don’t remember any official repercussions.
@Butthurt Jordan Trombone (fka XTPD): There may a case working its way through the courts to test that.
I read about the case months ago but can’t find any mention of it, though I’m pretty sure I didn’t imagine it. Basically, the suit claims that because political affiliation is not a “protected class” (like race or gender), there’s no Constitutional protection and it’s OK to discriminate against that political affiliation.
Now, this may run into First Amendment objections…. or it might not: under a law that allows funding and other rights to be stripped away from Democrats, the reasoning would be that First Amendment rights only extend to one’s being “allowed” to join the Democratic Party, but not to being “allowed” to (say) vote, or have one’s vote counted, or having one’s school district funded.
If anyone here remembers reading about that, please chine in. I remember the hairs standing up on my neck when I first read about it, and am worried that I can no longer find any reference to it.
Steeplejack
@hilzoy:
“Unknown causes.” Yeah, right. Transparent attempt to deflect suspicion. Just keep quiet and stay under the radar.
OzarkHillbilly
@CaseyL: Yes, but as I understand it, it is an old and established principle. It’s why gerrymandering is OK.
Hungry Joe
Bullying leaves such a scar; seems it never goes away. I was bullied exactly one time: In high school a big ol’ jackass jock demanded I give him one of my mini Tootsie Rolls. I refused. He punched me in the arm, hard. I handed over the mini Tootsie Roll. To this day I replay the scene in my mind, and What I Should Have Done But Didn’t.
SFAW
Happy Mother’s Day to your Mom, John.
And to all the other BJer moms as well, of course.
OzarkHillbilly
Hmph. Am I the only person here who fought back against the bully and got his ass royally kicked? Which funnily enough stopped the bullying.
Alternative Fax, a hip hop artist from Idaho
Happy Mother’s Day to all literal and figurative mothers. Cole I love you story.
May is Mental Health Month, so I’m asking for donations to my NAMI team. NAMI is the National Alliance on Mental Illness, and it’s the largest grass roots organization providing support to people who live with mental illness and their families. All NAMI programs are provided free of charge to participants, so fundraising for affiliates is critical to continued services.
I was Director of a small NAMI affiliate until it was absorbed into another to become a larger regional organization, and my team is for that affiliate’s walk. The walking was yesterday but fundraising continues.
If you contribute to Team Bella Q, every gift given by May 31 will be matched—dollar for dollar—up to $20,000 by a generous family foundation to double the effect during Mental Health Month.
Harry is a member of Team Bella Q; and while it’s slightly embarrassing when your dog raises more than you do for 3 weeks, I’ll use cute if it will work. It was only this past week that I got a higher total than he had! We’re still slightly short of our goal.
It’s a very worthy cause, it’s a 501(c)(3),and donors names can be excluded from the public facing page, or nyms used, for those who want to be anonymous. I skipped asking last year to avoid donor fatigue, as Juicers have been very generous in years past. Thanks for reading a long post, and I hope you’ll consider a donation.
Kelly
I was a head taller than the other kids all the way thru grade school. So skinny I passed out occasionally in the heat. Bookworm. Serious about the Christian turn the other cheek thing. I made the discovery that I had so much reach on the bullies that if I grabbed a couple handfuls of collar they couldn’t reach me enough to do any harm. If he kicked me I could dump him on his ass. Really humiliating to the bullies to try your best and apparently not be taken as a serious threat.
Gindy51
I was never bullied in school, too big even for a female. I did get the old fat chick crap but no one took it too far, they all knew better than to do that. I do remember beating up three guys, one in high school, one in college, and one after college. All were harassing my little, snotty. bitchy sister. Decked them all with one round house right. BOOM. They walked on the other side of the street from both of us until they moved away.
I had that “seeing red” disease BAD and worked very hard to over come it. I am surprised I wasn’t jailed for a couple of those punches but the guys were too damned embarrassed being KO’ed by a “girl” to do anything.
Hungry Joe
@OzarkHillbilly: In my What I Should Have Done to the Bully scenario I fight back furiously and get my ass kicked (gotta keep it at least semi-real — the guy had eight inches and 80 pounds on me), but get in a few good punches and gain the respect and admiration of all. And he gets suspended.
… and then I grow a foot, pick up 40pmh on my fastball, and end up a starting pitcher/20-game winner in the Bigs. I mean, as long as I’m fantasizing, why not take up a few more notches?
Kelly
In High School I was best friends with the center on the football team. Nobody wanted to deal with him.
OzarkHillbilly
@Hungry Joe: Heh.
gammyjill
Cole, is that picture of you and your father?
gene108
@cain:
It’ll also hurt th economy. Despite Republicans refusal to acknowledge it, government spending figures into how GDP is calculated.
Yank hundreds of billions from the economy and it’ll leave a mark or maybe trigger a recession.
HRA
When my parents and I came to the US from Canada, we came to a community I was familiar with since it included relatives we visited during holidays. The 1st instance of bullying was a guy with his girl fan club in attendance. His act stopped in a flash when I told him about the summer I stayed next door to his home.
The next one was not so easy. One girl kept on taunting me as we passed in the hallways “I am going to get you.” I did not know her at all. The last one was we will be waiting for you after school. Looking out the door I saw a large group waiting for me and then I thought I have to go out and face it or my Mom will go off the wall if I don’t leave now. As I started down the sidewall, I was joined by 2 of my classmates. B yelled out “You all better leave now. She is one of us.” I never saw a crowd leave so fast. Yes, B and C were my neighbors in our segregated community.
Ceci n est pas mon nym
I was a weird skinny underweight kid who for some reason never got bullied. Maybe I was so pathetic they decided it wouldn’t be fun. Instead I often ended up as a kind of mascot. I tended to make friends with other weird kids, many of whom WERE bullied.
To this day I’ve never had cause to form a fist and use it against another human being, and I’m not sure what I’d do if the need came up. I took some martial arts and fellow students marveled at my lack of defensive reflexes when, for instance, a fist was thrown toward my face.
GregB
I have careened back and forth between fear of what will happen and hope that the whole Republican scam will collapse/
I am back to fearful that they are so consumed with madness that they are going to force the nation and the world into the worst possible outcome.
japa21
Happy Mother’s Day to all moms or anyone who has been in the role of a mother. Interesting subject matter on this thread, all about bullying and fighting back. Mother’s Day was originally founded as a day to promote peace and avoid violence. It was started by a woman who lost four sons in the civil war. When Wilson got around to declaring the first official Mother’s Day in 1914, any connection to peaceful coexistence was forgotten. Shame, that.
HRA
Oops I meant integrated community and sidewalk not sidewall.
Another Scott
@Alternative Fax, a hip hop artist from Idaho: Donated.
It’s good of you to work and volunteer like this. Good luck!
And Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers (and acting mothers) out there. You’re needed now more than ever – “The world will be saved by the Western woman.”
Cheers,
Scott.
Iowa Old Lady
We’re flying back to Minneapolis tomorrow. We’ll stay overnight and drive home on Tuesday. As far as I can tell, Europeans are horrified by Trump.
BBA
@japa21: Fuck Woodrow Wilson seventeen ways with a rusty pitchfork.
smintheus
@Jim, Foolish Literalist: I’ve had school bullies seek to friend me on FB…weird people still living in denial.
Went to the same kind of school, where I spent most of 8 years fending off sneak attacks mostly by gangs while the ‘adults’ pretended to see nothing; anytime I fought it out with one of those losers, the ‘adults’ automatically tried to pin blame on me. Already by the 5th grade I figured out that the best response was to tell off whoever gave me grief and accuse them of hypocrisy. Never got suspended, miraculously.
Kathleen
@Alternative Fax, a hip hop artist from Idaho: I donated yesterday morning but don’t remember which BellaQ Team I was supposed to contribute to, so I contributed to the one with the greater amount of donations. Was that Harry’s team? How cute! I was going to “run” the walk before I found out Reds Run For Home, which supports ball teams and ball fields for inner city kids, was scheduled so I ran that instead. Can never resist crossing the finish line on the warning track inside the stadium!
And Happy Mother’s Day to all of you Juicers who love, support, nurture and care for children whether you’re biological mom, adoptive/foster mom, aunt, teacher, family friend, or a critter caregiver.
Enhanced Voting Techniques
@rikyrah:
Trump as always, shoots himself in his dick over a dominance game. You can really tell Donny has never been in a fight in his life that wasn’t fixed by someone else so he would win.
Alternative Fax, a hip hop artist from Idaho
@Another Scott: Many thanks!
Lyrebird (on new device)
@Ella in New Mexico: Totally relate to the odd feeling re: nonviolent response training and (in my case) telling my little one that I don’t agree with his TV show saying “we never ever hit.” Tried to say something like, if a big person is hurting your friend, THEN hit as hard as you can, but only as a last resort. Then we got to talk about what on earth “resort” means… kid is in preschool…
Kay Eye
An outrageous story. No school librarian (and I was one) should have put up with banishment as a punishment. Your action was justified, plus school libraries can be boring places.
A girl fight erupted outside my small town school library one time, a spectacular altercation involving biting, punching, and pulling hair out by the roots. I leaped through the floor-to-ceiling library window and commanded, “Stop that right now!”
After about five more minutes the shop teacher came over and pulled them apart.
They still got to come in the library.
Private school kids, on the other hand, could be insufferably rude and destructive of library ambiance. The super-privileged would make sure that no one else could do anything useful in the place.
henqiguai
@OzarkHillbilly(#33):
Which funnily enough stopped the bullying. Interestingly, this is what guys with whom I used to hang (high school and college years) back in DC used to advocate. These guys did hard time, DC jail, Lawton, federal; all advised (especially if put in jail), to immediately go up to the biggest baddest dude in the yard and try to bury him. They also said you’d probably wake up in the hospital, but that after that you could sleep peacefully alone. Again, these guys were talking prison environments; but bullies be bullies. You bloody them and they leave you alone.
Lyrebird (on new device)
@smintheus: Yeah the girls who made my life more hellish in jr hi mostly don’t bother on FB… the only revenge I have gotten is by continuing to exist. Gayness is not my story, but whenever I see an “It Gets Better” video I cry and cry. And then get back to living my own life!
Mnemosyne
My family still brags to this day about how I took on the bully in high school who was harassing me. She knew I was short and chubby and wore glasses, but she didn’t know that I had 4 older brothers, so when she tried to shove me into the lockers, I had my hands around her throat before she knew what was happening.
For some reason, the vice principal thought we should talk it out in his office, and though the other girl made a lot of threats while we were there about wanting to fight it out after school, she somehow never bothered me again. ?
opiejeanne
My daughter’s HS had some mainstreamed, high-functioning Downs Syndrome kids and she knew one of them from church. He was a nice friendly kid. Jim. Got a job at the McDonald’s after HS and was living independently when we moved away from that town.
One of the idiot jocks from the football team decided that since they were about the same size that Jim was fair game, and one day he hid behind a partly open swinging door in the lunchroom, intending to shove the door into Jim’s face when he came through. He was watching through the window beside him when my daughter exited the door from the other direction and gave it a really hard shove. Then she backed up and yelled at the idiot for what he had tried to do. I was proud of her when I heard about it and contacted the school to let them know that Jim was being targeted, maybe by more kids than the one she saw.
My son was the target of various bullies in elementary and jr HS, but never fought back; there was little to no assistance from the elementary school until we threatened a lawsuit against the school board when he was in 3rd grade and they decided that maybe they should make sure all of the playground was monitored during recess. That was a particularly troubling interlude in our lives because it was a girl who was older and a lot bigger who lived in the house directly behind ours. He knew her and had been friendly with her and was herself the target of bullying because she was big for her age and maybe a bit slow, but that may have been cultural. She had been adopted by an older Mormon couple who never let her forget how grateful she ought to be to them but who never seemed to interact with her. The mother was kind of a non-entity, the father was a piece of work: came over one day right after we bought that house and offered to put up a fence but wanted to take about 10 feet of our back yard because the utility easement down the middle of the block made the property lines “arbitrary”. I told him we’d split the cost but I didn’t think the line was arbitrary, and he said he’d “talk to my husband when he got home because he’ll see the sense of it” since obviously a young girl like me wouldn’t know anything about that sort of thing. Yeah, He tried that on David and got laughed at. He put up a 10 foot spite fence, we think partly because he thought we were Jewish. Later, his daughter pitched rocks at us in the back yard over that fence.
Bill went to a private school for his 4-6 grades, for academics, and had no problems at all with bullying because the principal wouldn’t put up with it. He did really well academically after that and loved that school, but there wasn’t an affiliated private jr hi.
Back in public jr high, it started up again with a couple of different kids who remembered him from before. He didn’t tell me about it, but one day he came home with a torn shirt and some bruises and told me to call the principal. The principal chuckled and told me that Bill had finally fought back against a bully, that they’d had to pull him off of the other kid, and everyone in the office was very proud of him. They’d observed and pieced together that he was being bullied. Bill got no detention and the other kid was suspended for a week, and all of the bullying stopped. Bill had caught him stealing his school books out of his backpack at lunch and putting them in the trash, had actually reached for a book and grabbed the kid’s wrist.
A couple of weeks later we had an open house and his art teacher told me he’d used a ruler to whack the desk of a girl and threaten her with it. I was startled and asked why and she told me the girl had been pestering him all semester and had ruined a couple of his art projects (which brought down his grade). I asked why she hadn’t done anything about the girl and she didn’t have an answer. This incident with the ruler had happened the day before the fistfight.
HeleninEire
All these stories are freaking me the fuck out and bringing me back to my high school days. I won’t go into details, but here’s a hint. I walked into high school at 130 lbs. I walked out 180. Yeah. Stressful beyond belief. The good news is that I have achieved so much more than any of those people. They all voted for Trump and are all “living in the same zip code as their parents did” h/t The Dixie Chicks. I am living my dream waaaaay outside of my parent’s zip code.
On another note. Young John Cole is the spitting image of my friend Jason. Spitting. Image.
smintheus
@Lyrebird (on new device): I’m pretty convinced that bullying would not be remotely the problem it is if school employees would just do their jobs. You shouldn’t need to call out the national guard just to assure a schoolkid of safety and freedom from harassment.
martian
@Baud: Your mom worked with what you had so, the good is in you, too, along with pointy Van Dyke, Mirror Universe Baud. Kudos to her for understanding how to channel what was best in you.
That was one of the first things I viscerally realized when my babies were born. Looking back at me out of those tiny, raw little faces were whole and complete people. They were all there already. Children are not blank slates. As a mother, I can sharpen some things and soften other tendencies, I can guide them, I try to give them tools and model patience and love but, you get what you get and they are who they are. I accept and love them and am grateful for the privilege of mothering them.
Jeff
Mark was not overly bright or had a death wish.
TheOtherHank
Not a story about me, but my son. He was on a club swim team that did “fun” activities at the tail end of Friday practice. One day, as it was related to me by one of the coaches, another boy a couple years older than my son and much larger, as part of whatever fun game they were playing, held my son underwater for a while. When he finally let him up, my son popped up out of the water and punched the kid hard in the face. When I got to the pool to pick him up I was told about the punch. I asked for the back story and when informed told the coach that I entirely approved of my son’s action and hoped that it would teach the punchee about appropriate pool behavior.
SiubhanDuinne
@HeleninEire:
That’s really weird/funny, because in that photo he looks exactly like a guy I was (briefly) engaged to at Northwestern. Ex.Act.Ly.
Edit: To be clear, my fiancé was not named Jason. Don’t mean it to sound weirder than it is, but it’s so odd to look at that photo and have to explain to myself that no, that isn’t Bill.
hitchhiker
the good: our 2 grown daughters are simply amazeballs – by which i mean, people i’d hang out with even if they were unrelated
the bad: DT is somehow still occupying the office of the presidency
the ugly: on mother’s day in 2001, my father died suddenly at 73. my husband was at the time in his 9th week of hospitalization after breaking his neck, and our house was full of friends trying to get it ready for his wheelchair. i remember sitting on our front steps that morning, taking the “he’s dead” call & knowing i’d have to go back into the buzz of people being kind and tell them. ugh.
frosty
@Kelly: I was the opposite, a head shorter than everyone, to this day. I didn’t hit 97 pound weakling until I was a senior in high school. I don’t recall ever being bullied — I don’t think I was worth the effort. Or else I joked my way out of it before it started.
@Ceci n est pas mon nym: Same story here.
schrodingers_cat
You guys had a far more exciting childhood than I did.
Keith P.
Mother’s Day should merge with April Fool’s Day such that every year, those with mothers of a certain age tell them they’re going to a nursing home to stay “from now on.” Instead of driving her to “the home – don’t worry, it won’t be so bad”, you take her to brunch for mimosas and shit. “SURPRISE!!!”
Radiumgirl
@rikyrah: How in the hell is that constitutional?
opiejeanne
I just found this, thought people might like to read it.
My Mother Wasn’t Trash
Alternative Fax, a hip hop artist from Idaho
@opiejeanne: Thanks for posting that. he writes eloquently about Appalachia (from where my mother’s family hails) and poverty. Our mothers have some things in common, from early marriage and spousal abuse to untreated mental illness. While she never graduated from high school, my mother had a good job in an office and a good partner in my father, unlike her first two husbands. Her first husband killed his second wife. She died 6 months after my father even though she was 15 years younger. Her mother was a rock who left the farm to help raise me.
I didn’t mean to turn my response into a comment about my mother, father, grandmother, and me, but it seems I did. His story is another reminder why NAMI is important. #Team Bella Q.
Major Major Major Major
My mom raised my older brother with the idea that “people are not for hitting.” Which is a good enough idea to plant in the mind of a child, more or less, but like all such ideas it eventually needed refinement. One day my brother came home from school roughed up, bloody nose and all that.
My mom asked what happened, and he said, oh, so-and-so punched me and knocked me down! And she says, well did you do anything? And he says, no, mom, people are not for hitting. And she gets mad and says well, son, sometimes people are for hitting back!
Love you mom!
Major Major Major Major
@Radiumgirl: The NC GOP is not known for engaging in constitutional activities.
SiubhanDuinne
By the way, John, even if you’re not seeing ABC this weekend, I hope you did something really nice for her for Mothers’ Day.
And for your own mom too, of course.
opiejeanne
@Alternative Fax, a hip hop artist from Idaho: Your story resonates with me as does his.
My mother’s family is from the Ozarks, a bit west of where our own OzarkHillbilly lives. I didn’t understand the poverty her family endured (they never spoke of it as poverty) until we spent several days visiting the area and photographing it. Not a single paved road other than the state highway that runs past the area, and almost no signs on the roads. Finding our way around was difficult, and this was only 14 years ago.
My mother-in-law’s family came from Appalachia and we know next to nothing about them; it’s like they never existed, although I did meet her father once. Her mother died when she was 4, she was raised by an older cousin and his mother; she was 13 when he married and she moved in with him and his bride. Her father was absent most of her life. There are no photos of her mother or father, no confirmed photos of her as a child. We found a couple of pictures that show a young girl who might be her at about 8 and 13-ish, but she had died by then and we were cleaning out the house. We did find a newspaper photo of her mother as a teenager tucked into a book. The one thing that we have puzzled out is that her parents and grandparents all moved to Illinois at about the same time, pulled up stakes in Eastern Kentucky and just left. Before that I can trace her father’s family for about a hundred years, but hers is just a mystery, and no one told us the story when we didn’t know to ask.
Elizabelle
A kinda sweet story for looking at on Mother’s Day: Washingtontonian magazine: How to Raise a Rock Star, According to Dave Grohl’s Mom
Lot of articles out recently on Virginia (Ginny) Grohl, who has a book out about other musicians’ moms.
What I really like about her: she was a high school teacher (AP English) in Northern Virginia, and realized that Dave was not going to shine at academics; a bright kid but just not his bag. So she gave her blessing for his skipping the last part of high school to go to Europe with his band, Scream. She had faith in him that he would pull it off and turn out just fine.
And he did.
I saw the Foo Fighters show at RFK a few years ago, Dave with broken leg on that mechanized throne. He gave a shout out to his mom.
amygdala
@Major Major Major Major: Ha! Your Mom sounds awesome.
Elizabelle
@opiejeanne: Only got halfway through; too much tragedy, but will finish it later because it’s a good essay and that woman deserves my finishing up her story. But wow. Looks like a worthwhile blog.
raven
My mom is the little girl on the right at the top of the photo and her father is the man in the white t-shirt just below. This was a family reunion in Giant City in 1935. Coal mining folks they were.
eclare
@raven: I have some family photos that look like that, southern Mississippi circa 1920’s, railroad folks.
MoeLarryAndJesus
Knocking a guy out with one punch doesn’t really qualify as a fight.
b/w
Good work. Did that guy grow up to be a cop?
raven
@eclare: I was fortunate a cousin gave me a disc with almost 200 photos, all labelled. There are some gems but this one of my mom’s aunt with her dolls is stunning.
eclare
@raven: Oh wow!
Villago Delenda Est
John, give your delightful mom an extra hug from me.
SiubhanDuinne
@HeleninEire:
I also assumed it was young John Cole and that he had a really young-looking mom, but according to John’s FB, it is of his mom and dad in grad school. That makes more sense.
SiubhanDuinne
@raven:
What a fascinating picture.
raven
@SiubhanDuinne: There was no way that was John.
raven
@SiubhanDuinne: Right there by jefferyw. I’m always amazed that he doesn’t know any of my kin. It ain’t like DuQuoin is Bejing.
efgoldman
@OzarkHillbilly:
Depends on relative skin tone, doncha’ think?
GregB
Happy Mother’s Day to all juice-mothers.
efgoldman
@hilzoy:
Depending on where it is, usually means either drugs or suicide.
Hey, welcome back; miss you, don’t be a stranger.
raven
Paul Kantner & Grace Slick – 09 – Earth Mother
Earth mother your children are here
High and feeling dandy
Earth mother your children are here
Ripped on coke and candy
Once the earth was a garden
It gave us all we need
Then it grew so barren
All because of greed
Once the air was for breathing
And clouds caused rain to fall
Then it filled with poisons
Strangling us all
Chorus
Water was once for drinking
And giving life to the land
Then it was used for cooling
The machinery of man
Chorus
It’s not your fault you’re ill now
It’s the men who went before
Your children are at your side now
Don’t worry anymore
Your children are your salvation
They see your life as their own
They recognize no nation
They dance around your throne
Dancing in the meadows
To the sound of a living tree
In and out of the shadows
Laughing with the breeze
debbie
@SiubhanDuinne:
I don’t know. Young John Cole doesn’t look that much younger than his mom.
Kay (not the front-pager)
Two comments. 1) My older son had a similar experience with a bully in a private high school. The kid had been teasing and bullying him for several years. When the final straw came, he punched him in the mouth. As most of us know, bullies are whiney babies when someone finally stands up to them. This one went to the science teacher, who had been watching his antics for several years. He was not sympathetic.
2) I love the way your father is looking at your mother in that picture. His admiration is obvious. Nice.
debbie
@raven:
Your photos are wonderful!
Gozer
Happy Mom’s Day to all the mothers out there (and the dads, grandparents, uncles, aunts, older siblings, etc. pulling Mom-duty).
It’s always a bittersweet day for me. My mother had a very hard time growing up (her mom was murdered when she was 2 and she was adopted by an abusive man and distant woman). She had a couple of suicide attempts after having me (post-partum depression wasn’t all that well known at the time) and my most vivid memory is going to visit her in a psychiatric hospital on my 3rd birthday after she was involuntary committed (her final attempt was with me present). After that I only lived with my Dad and Granddad while she bounced around among various unstable living conditions.
She’s still very unstable and self-destructive, but I try to keep in touch to know that she’s around and with us…with me. As she will be a part of me always.
Love, peace, and well-being to all the Moms. All all of you here on BJ.
Back to lurking while I get these damn dust particles out of my eyes.
eclare
@Gozer: Wow, hugs. I mainly lurk too, but sometimes it’s nice to be heard.
Alternative Fax, a hip hop artist from Idaho
@raven: You have the best family pictures. Those dolls are kinda creepy though.
@Gozer: Wow. Many good thoughts to you, and I hope you lurk less.
Mnemosyne
@raven:
Yeah, I’m a little confused why people thought it was Cole, though his dad does look quite a bit like him.
I’ve seen enough photos of my late father-in-law to know what’s in store as G gets older — he’s a dead ringer now for his dad at the same age.
Mnemosyne
@Gozer:
As I get older, I’ve come to think that one of the hardest and yet most important things we have to do as mature adults is accept our parents’ shortcomings and come to terms with the ways they failed us. It sounds like you’ve been able to accept the fact that your mother was not able to be the mother you needed, and I hope that brings you some measure of peace.
(Note: the above does not necessarily apply to people who had actively abusive parents, who have to go through a slightly different process of accepting that they had malevolent asshole parents, mourning that they had actively bad parents, and not letting those people have rent-free space in their heads anymore.)
A Ghost to Most
@Kelly:
By the time I went in the military, I had grown 15 inches, but still rail thin. My best friend was an affable giant, but scary when angered. We’d go in any bar in Omaha, never an issue (at a time the military folk took some shit post Vietnam).
Sadly, he turned into a Randian; we haven’t talked in 5years.
efgoldman
@CaseyL:
It was one of Texas’ bogus defenses in federal court against the voter restriction suits.
Gozer
@Mnemosyne:
I hear what you’re saying. I’ve largely avoided going the same route (admittedly easier for me since I had at least a stable parent and didn’t have the added pressures of being a woman), but in some way I still reach for her (or rather what I’d like the relationship with her to be). It took me to nearly 40 to be able to know that she did the best she was able to even though I spent time with folks in her orbit that were potentially predatory or irresponsible. She tried and often didn’t succeed, but she’s still here. And so am I (scars, fights, Army, and a not entirely fuck-up brain, and all). I guess that’s all I can ask for.
More than anything it was her realization that she possibly wasn’t in the condition to rear a child that was her greatest achievement as a parent. To realize her short-comings, as fucked up as it sounds. Like I said…bittersweet.
Luckily I’ve also had a number of surrogate mothers along the way and through my wife I’ve been adopted by a number of Jewish mothers.
Mnemosyne
@Gozer:
Sorry, I must not have been clear, because that’s exactly what I meant — you’ve accepted that your mother did the best she could given her limitations and done your best to forgive her for the mistakes she made. Congratulations — you’re a real grown-up. ?
Ruckus
@Mnemosyne:
I find that as good as some humans are, they may not be in the majority. And many, even if they are or are not conscious of their shortcomings, they go on to have kids. Which keeps the cycle going, even if some of their kids turn out OK. Some days I’m amazed that more kids haven’t smothered the folks in their sleep. Maybe it’s a good thing most kids in an unhealthy family just want to leave, as soon as possible.
@martian:
They are the people they will grow into. The experiences they have as kids will help or hurt them in that growing. Just went to friend’s daughter’s memorial service yesterday. A beautiful little girl the last time I saw her decades ago, she ended up with two beautiful children, a criminal record and an overdose. I have no idea why she ended up where and how she did, and she’s not the only person I’ve known who has ODed. The parents are good people, have other kids who are great, how does one account for this other than we are who we are, we make good decisions and bad no matter what else we do.
Gozer
@Mnemosyne:
Well…I wouldn’t go that far.
NotoriousJRT
@gammyjill:
Mark, is that you?
gbbalto
@hilzoy: Miss your blog, hope to hear from you more often
lurker dean
@opiejeanne: thanks for sharing, that was good. added the site to my bookmarks.
Svensker
@raven:
Wow!
Svensker
@Gozer:
That is some tough stuff your mom went through. Amazing she made it. Sounds like you inherited some of her strength and grace. Hugs.