So that it doesn’t get lost in the Trump news, here’s the latest bulletin from greennotGreen’s sister:
I’m sorry for not blogging yesterday, but frankly there’s not much to report. gnG is now sleeping 95% of the time, although she did get up out of bed at about 2 AM before I could stop her. (She’s tethered by oxygen cannula and IV pain pump, so she couldn’t have gotten too far.) The only thing that might interest the BJ community is the discussion we had with hospice nurses over the use of oxygen to raise sats. One nurse favors it, one feels it just prolongs the very disturbing agitation phase. The family is left to make the decision. I couldn’t quite bring myself to lower her sats on purpose, although she might have preferred it. Dying at home is best for the patient, but my god, what a trial to the family.
hitchhiker
Thanks for putting this up. Holding good thoughts for that wonderfully supportive family.
Baud
Thanks, Cheryl. And this for the update, gnG’s family.
Major Major Major Major
Thanks for the update, gnG’s sister, and Cheryl for posting it.
ETA: What Baud said, also too.
debbie
We had the same issue about oxygen for my mom. It made her visibly more comfortable, so that’s what we went with. Looking back, I’d probably feel badly either way. Everything seems so inadequate at a time like this.
dmsilev
To repeat what I said in the previous thread, please don’t forget to take care of yourselves as well.
pat
Thank you for the update. I saw the photos of the room she is in, and I wish if my time comes as it does for her, I had a similar situation.
Holding good thoughts for her and her entire family.
rikyrah
Thank you for the update?
Ohio Mom
Another thanks, from someone who doesn’t always get to read each thread.
A note to gnG’s family: I imagine it is difficult, just because you, like most of us, are novices at attending to someone as they make their final transition.
But I don’t think there is anything you could do that is in any way wrong, really, this process is bigger than all of us. It has its own pace and rhythm. You’re doing something wonderful, and sacred, keeping gnG company on her journey.
hovercraft
Thanks for the update. You and your entire family are an inspiration, may we all have such a loving and devoted family around us when our time comes.
Sending thoughts of peace to you all.
Joy in FL
Thanks for the update. Earlier today I was searching the recent posts for an update.
Thinking caring thoughts toward everyone who cares about gnG.
Mnemosyne
We went the other way with my dad and lowered his oxygen. He was already unconscious at that point, but it was still a very tough decision. (He had five causes of death on his certificate, but the primary one was pneumonia complicated by emphysema.)
I’m going to say one other thing: if she passes when your family is out of the room, do not feel guilty. It’s very common for people to keep hanging on while their family is in the room and then let go when a nurse or less close person is with them. My father-in-law finally let go when the family stepped out to let the nurse do something, and my father let go while my sister-in-law (who he never liked!) was in the room.
And after this happened to both G and I, we talked to so many people who said the same thing had happened to them. She may choose to go when you’re not in the room, and that’s okay.
currants
Thank you Cheryl, and gnG’s sister/family. You’ve been in my heart, but as debbie said above, everything seems inadequate at a time like this, and that’s an understatement, as your comment about what a trial this is for the family highlighted. Having medical (esp. hospice) personnel explaining things as you go along was the most helpful, I thought, first because sometimes more information can make it easier to make what feel like impossible choices, and second, because it can help prepare you for the next stage(s). Sending all my best thoughts and hopes for you throughout.
Yarrow
Thank you for the update. Wishing ease and comfort to gnG and her family as you all go through this time together. Please be kind to yourselves.
(((CassandraLeo)))
I would like to echo the sentiments of the others here. On phone and on break at work so pardon the brevity.
hedgehog the occasional commenter
Thank you for the update. There are no words, other than to wish peace and comfort to all.
chopper
thanks for the update.
Gelfling 545
She is blessed to have her family supporting her on her journey. I wish her peace.
Aleta
Admirable that you are there for one another and united with gnG. So glad she is home with you. Deep sympathy.
Betty Cracker
Appreciate gnG’s sister for the update and Cheryl for posting it. My heart aches for gnG and her loved ones, and I’m holding them in my thoughts, wishing them courage, strength, peace, and above all, love.
NeenerNeener
My Dad went through terminal agitation over the last week of his life; it was heartbreaking. If lowering gnG’s oxygen will help with that then don’t feel bad about it, just do it.
Cermet
Hang in there. Been there and understand what you are dealing with from many aspects. But I vote keep the oxygen if she is aware. While this might prolong her life by artificial medical intervention, I feel that while she is awake/aware, this type of intervention falls under pain/comfort criteria; my opinion not in any way necessarily correct or proper. Wish you all the best!
Gin & Tonic
Thanks to the family for updates. I am, as I suspect many other primarily technical people, not very good at writing about emotional stuff, so while I’ve followed this all, I haven’t said much. I’m probably not the only one, so I hope the family knows that a lot of random strangers are invested in the news. I just hope that when my time comes, I approach it with a fraction of the grace and equanimity shown by gnG, and that I have a fraction of the love from family.
stinger
Thank you for the update; keeping gnG and her family in my heart. Ohio Mom said some true things, up above, and so did Mnemosyne.
Gravenstone
Thank you for keeping us updated. As a former caregiver for a terminally ill family member (and there seems to be a number of us here with similar experience) , you are correct that it can be an ordeal – mentally and physically. But in the end, you’ll know it was the place and role you needed to take. Just remember to take care of and be kind to yourselves too.
stinger
@Yarrow: Yarrow, I don’t know if you saw my comment in a thread yesterday, but I bought several plants for the hummingbirds, among them yarrow — in your honor!
Mary G
That’s definitely the hardest thing I have ever done, but it was also very spiritual. Sending virtual hugs to gnG’s sister and other family. I appreciate the updates so much.
JMG
I really don’t know how to express my feelings about these posts. It’s wonderful that gnG has such a loving and caring family, it’s terrible they are sharing this ordeal, I am amazed at gnG’s grace in her trial, it’s all really too much for words, at least my words. God bless you all is I guess I have to say.
mai naem mobile
Grnotgr knows you are doing what you think is right. Don’t feel guilty about anything. Peace and prayers for your family.
JPL
What a wonderful family, and I wish I had taken the time to say goodbye. Like others I thanked her for her posts, and mentioned her courage, but I didn’t say goodbye. GnG will be missed.
Goodbye GnG. We will miss you dearly.
also, we love you and your wonderful family.
Lizzy L
Thank you for this. I too have been where you are now. I wish gnG peace and comfort, and for all of you the same.
p.a.
Wishing as much peace as possible for gnG and her family, Maybe extend an invite to her sister to check in here at times; the antics might provide a momentary reprieve from mourning.
JPL
btw, today’s news would have made her smile.
laura
Sending love to greennotGreen and her family.
It is hard -in every sense, to bear witness to suffering, to suffer in the bearing witness and to watch the letting go and into the next. There is no one right way, and always more than enough guilt -the unwelcome presence, the thing that wouldn’t leave.
Love and kindness, and laughter through the tears.
She’s almost free, almost.
dww44
Sharing this journey over the last weeks has been one of the most meaningful experiences of my life, and this from one who lost her Mom and brother just a few years ago. I thank you for your willingness to share and wish all of you love and peace. It goes without saying that I admire the heck out of gnG’s courage and forthrightness in confronting the end of her life. She has set an example I will always remember and hope to duplicate. I also honor her family for their example of selfless love and devotion.
Phred
In years past, my wife and I had similar decisions for both our mothers – it’s never a good place, but it’s honest and real. Peace & love to gnG and all her family.
If it’s possible and if it would be palliative, please let gnG know that P45* will soon be fired… by what dribbled out of his own stupid mouth.
Svensker
@Ohio Mom:
Exactly what you said.
You cannot do anything wrong here, you are just loving her and being there with her. That is all that’s important at this point.
Big big hugs
ruemara
Sending love & light to gnGr. I wish I could do something more, but that’s all I can. Please take care of each other during this time and after.
geg6
Holding her in the light. Along with her lovely family.
trollhattan
This is gut-wrenching to share but I hope it’s of some small comfort to you, your family and perhaps gnG herself that so many here are wishing you all our best. Safe to say we can all relate from our own journeys and will ponder yours in the future.
Citizen_X
Peace and strength to gnotg and her family.
Odie Hugh Manatee
This is what family is really all about, sharing and caring for each others lives from beginning to end. My thoughts are with greennotGreen and her family.
Best wishes.
Phylllis
May gnG be ever wrapped in loving arms. And to her family, be gentle to yourselves.
raven
My former boss called me today. The last contact we had was three weeks ago when I texted her just as she was placed in isolation while they tried to identify her infection. The stopped chemo so now the cancer has free reign so she’s hoping they can stop the infection in order to start back up on the chemo. She basically told me it was really bleak, maybe christmas at best. The strange thing we both talked about was, thought we have been both colleague and then her my boss, our entire 15 year relationship has been on the phone, IM and email. I feel weird not seeing her but I hardly ever saw her before she got sick. Reading gnotg, thinking about my BIL who is in a similar place, and another close friend back in Illinois makes me feel pretty helpless. . . and I guess we all are.
Nicole
I compare the experience you have been so kind to share with us with my mother’s experience dying of cancer in 1982, and we have come so far. It’s a great comfort to read. Thank you for keeping us updated as she prepares to go.
That said, my mother did have hospice workers, all excellent, and one of them my family is still friends with 35 years later. How about that?
MomSense
Just sat down in the hospital cafe to have some coffee and a snack. I have the night shift tonight.
Thinking of gnG and her family keeping vigil. Thank you for letting us know how you are doing. Be kind to yourselves now. You are doing your best. gnG has been in her home surrounded by people and pups who love her.
Now I’m going to enjoy my coffee and chocolate butterscotch cookie and savor the latest trump scandal.
cckids
Sending love and caring to Gng, her sister and all her family. I know, all too well, how devastatingly hard this is; making choices that are so difficult as to seem unthinkable.
But know that, by doing this, you are giving her a tremendous gift – leaving life on her terms, surrounded by her loved ones, both human and pets, in her own peaceful space. That you all are willing and strong enough to be there and make these hard choices for her speaks volumes about what excellent people you are. May we all be so blessed!
When my dad passed, my mom could not let him go; he ended up in hospital, on a number of machines, already gone in mind and spirit, body dying by inches over 48 hours. He would have hated it beyond anything. That was a huge motivation for us, when it was time, to choose hospice at home for my son; even though his last day came unexpectedly soon, he was home; his much-loved Pixie on the bed with him, with his dad & I holding his hands & letting him know how loved he was. It was so unbearably hard, but at the same time, so absolutely right.
I hope you all can find a similar peace, beyond your grief.
raven
@Odie Hugh Manatee: Where you been?
O. Felix Culpa
As Citizen X said, peace and strength to all, including the BJ community, the nicest bunch of snarling jackals I’ve ever “met.”
GnG and her family are an inspiration, showing integrity, humor, and care whilst in extremis. It helps to be reminded there are such good, decent folks in the world. My plane takes off in a bit and my thoughts remain with you.
Tazj
Sending love and comfort to gnG and her family.
I admire gnG for her example of courage and generosity, and for keeping her sense of humor through it all.
To gnG ‘s sister and her family, I admire your example of love and endurance.
Baquist
Thank you for the update, and warm hugs to you and the whole family. Please take a moment to take care of yourselves as well.
GregB
Thank you. Sending thoughts of love and peace to all.
Karen
One of the hardest things to do is to let go of a loved one and let them leave their bodies and this life behind
ArchTeryx
In a very real sense, the patient is already dead at this point…the body is barely hanging on, but there really isn’t much left of the mind.
For the rest of the family, though, it’s simply awful. There’s no easy way to let a loved one go, no fix other then intense grief and eventual closure. And the grieving can’t really start until the body finally follows the mind to the Other Side.
I remember all too well the last conversation I had with my late and dear friend Manfred, a week before he went into hospice to die of esophageal cancer. He was very sleepy and mostly disconnected from the here and now, but was conscious enough to be comforted. That didn’t last much longer, and once he was in hospice he was basically unresponsive. It will forever haunt my memory.
I may be angry a lot of the time these days, but events like this simply make me sad. There’s nothing I can offer but one more gesture of comfort.
Ajabu
I’m on the West Coast now so I get these posts real late but I’d like to echo everybody above. Peace & Love to gig and family. We’re here for you.
Ab_Normal
First off, what all the more articulate jackals said (it’s not stealing if you give credit, right?).
@Mnemosyne:
My mom did a variant of that; she had a strong opinion against dying at home (something about it being “impolite”). We moved her to a hospice facility to give my siblings who were caring for her at home a break over Christmas, and she was gone two days later.
Just One More Canuck
This is a remarkable place that John has created – a place where people argue with such passion but where they feel free to share the most personal and heartbreaking aspects of their lives with, for the most part, people they will never meet. The fact that gnG and her family have chosen to share this experience (and with such grace and courage) with all of us is a testament to John and all of the front-pagers
satby
Thank you from me as well, both to Greene’s sister for so generously keeping us informed, and to Cheryl for putting it on the front page so we wouldn’t miss it. Everone has said some aspect of how I’m feeling: holding gnG and her wonderful family in my heart and wishing peace for all of them; gratitude for greennotGreen sharing her life with us all along with her opinions, garden notes and pictures, and the way she’s letting us know as she comes to the end; and gratitude to her family for also sharing our messages of support and love for her to hear. In the end, we live in in the memories of others we have touched, I hope it comforts greennotGreen and her family how much they have touched us all.
schrodingers_cat
{{ }} and thank you for sharing this journey with us.
MoxieM
I recommend this book by a friend, who helped her mother through hospice to her death at home. It is quite a wonderful book, Parting Company: Understanding the Loss of a Loved One: The Caregiver’s Journey . Warm thoughts to all who go on this path.
Schlemazel
gone through this with loved ones. fuck cancer.
I hope GNG can soon be at peace & pain free soon. it sucks when that is the best option but there it is. Thanks fo keeping us up to date.
Alain the site fixer
gnG and family, you have my love and thanks for sharing this with us. It’s changed me and, obviously, so many. We’re all getting closer to that line every day, so I hope we see each other on the other side!
la caterina (Mrs. Johannes)
Thanks to Cheryl and gnG’s sister for the update. Sharing the details of this stage of gnG’s journey not only inspires, it also comforts (me at least) by demystifying the experience and making it a little less terrifying. We don’t talk about end of life enough. I hope that changes so that folks can approach it in a more mindful way. Love to gnG and all the gnG family.
pat
Yes. It happened with a friend of ours. Held on until the family was out of the room…..
Alain the site fixer
@Just One More Canuck: agreed. We’ve become a very special community and I know many of us find much-needed strength and support and community while we may not find so much in our corporeal lives.
raven
@pat: My dad was in a coma and hooked up to a machine. The family was there and there were big discussions about what to do. I sent everyone home and stayed. After a couple of hours I asked the nurse, “Ok,no bullshiting around, is there any chance”? She said no so I called everyone back and we all agreed to turn the machine off.
the Conster, la Citoyenne
Thanks for thinking of us, sister – seems like we’re all on the same wavelength now with gnG. Having sat vigil more than once, it is a thing that consumes, but it is clarifying. We, and I, am here for this. Please let us know when it’s time.
SWMBO
Peace and comfort to all of you. Be kind to yourself. And her pets will all grieve too. Just make sure as they pass to their new lives that the new families know it is coming and a part of their transition. Much love and grace to you all.
pat
Just a suggestion that everyone gets their Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care filed with their doctor/hospital/ whatever it takes to make your last wishes known. I knew a nurse who had a t-shirt with NO CODE in large type. When you are on your way out of this world, you don’t want a lot of ineffectual interference to run up the bills. So to speak.
Mnemosyne
@Ab_Normal:
@pat:
I wanted to be sure to mention it because it turned out to be so common, and yet it’s not talked about very often. IIRC, with my father-in-law, the doctor actually discussed it with my in-laws and they agreed to leave while the nurse was checking his vitals.
With my dad, I made a point of telling him that I was leaving to take my mom home, because I knew he would want to know she was safe at home. And, sure enough, as soon as I got back to the hotel and was in my pajamas, he was gone, and I had to drive back to the hospital to pick up my brother and his wife. Damn it, Pop! I should have known the old prankster would pull one at the very end. ??
Pogonip
Hello Green’s sister, I saw this on Cole’s Twitter feed. My condolences to you and your family. Having been there and done that last year, my opinion is not to worry too much about the saturation; at this point it’ll only make a difference of hours, maybe a day or so. Do whatever is the least distressing for you and, although she probably won’t get to tell you, most likely your sister will understand. God bless you.
SiubhanDuinne
Am only now catching up with a full and busy day’s worth of BJ threads, and as always, of course, my eyes have been peeled for any mention of greennotGreen.
To gnG’s sister and others in the family: again, so many thanks for keeping us informed. Although few if any of us have met her in person, she has always been a favourite commenter around these parts and of course during the last several months and weeks — and now days — she has become very dear to us.
For the sister, I have two requests, both of which you are naturally more than welcome to ignore! One, if you are willing and if this doesn’t violate any online privacy concerns, once gnG has passed it would be a treat to have a link to whatever obituary you put in the local paper. She is so cool as a virtual friend, I suspect I and others might like to know a bit more about her real life. But again, only if you feel completely okay about it.
Secondly, I do hope you’ll continue to stop in here occasionally, and comment, and tell us how you’re doing. Over the years we’ve had some losses and invoke their memories quite often. I think you may be surprised at how frequently we will probably remember gnG with a tear, or a laugh, or gratitude. But also, we’ve come to love and admire you personally the past few weeks and will want to make sure you’re hanging in there and taking care of yourself, and your mom. So, while it’s not my job, I’m extending the invitation.
Mingobat f/k/a Karen in GA
My father did the same thing — when he went into hospice my family visited in shifts so someone was there with him around the clock, and he held on until one morning when my sister took my mother home. She planned to come right back, but he went before she got there.
Keeping gnG and family in my thoughts, and echoing everything already said so much better by everyone else.
schrodingers_cat
@Mnemosyne: I read your email. I think we should do both your idea and mine. More in the email..
Quinerly
Thanks for the update. My thoughts are with you.
Aleta
I put some pine cones in the river this evening keeping gnG in my thoughts.
seaboogie
Just returned home from a little road trip to find this sweet and loving thread.
And so…I have lit candles in the beautiful glassy baby holders named “fearless”, “compassion” and “friendship”. Some fine sandalwood incense from Japan is burning with them on my altar, and the antique Tibetan singing bowl has been sounded to bring love and peace and an easy as possible transition for gnG…
I am grateful for her presence here over the years, and grateful too that she has made it possible for us to offer her and her family support as she transcends her worldly concerns…
Alternative Fax, a hip hop artist from Idaho
Thank you Cheryl for highlighting this. Thank you gnG’s sister for the update. I hope that her transition is peaceful and without pain, and that you know you are giving her a tremendous gift to help her do it at home with family and pups. Take care of you – it’s easy to forget to do that.
seaboogie
@SiubhanDuinne: Agreed. One of the things that I love about this community is that we can turn on a dime from a snarling pack of jackals to a warm and loving embrace of support – sometimes even in the same thread, if need be. gnG is soon to join Walter and General Stuck in the BJ pantheon, and that place is a darn sight better than Kansas…
Patricia Kayden
Much love to gnG and her family. Thanks for the update.
a thousand flouncing lurkers (was fidelio)
Thanks for update.
Besides my best wishes for strength, patience, and an easy passage, I want to add two things. One is something a doctor told my mother, when she was struggling with a decision related to my father’s care: Whatever you choose, it’s the right thing, because it was what you can live with.
The other is: Don’t feel bad about venting here. We understand how hard this is, and we know you need to say it sometimes. It is hard. It is a burden. You may do it out of love, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.
Ruckus
@Mnemosyne:
I hate to say this under the circumstances but this is a great point. I’ve had a sibling and both parents pass in hospice and 2 of them did so when family wasn’t in the room. My dad passed with my arm around him, and while I’m very, very glad I was there, and this may just be me, but this really isn’t something you want to experience. It’s very quiet and while actually peaceful, some might consider it to be somewhat shocking, that change, from that one second to the next. And in that instance, when I told the others in the room, they wouldn’t believe me. But if you are holding on, you know. Believe me you know.
Manyakitty
Sending peace and love, light and strength
Becky Harbine
Over everything else, this thread may bring me out of lurker status (been a reader for many years). I love the BJ community, you all are really tremendous, loving, humans.
SiubhanDuinne
@seaboogie:
And Tunch!
amygdala
@Ruckus: I don’t think it’s just you. I was with my grandmother when she died and the juxtaposition of shock when she took her last breath, against a profound sense of relief that her suffering was over was jarring. We were close and this happened not long after I got into med school. She was a nurse and I have always felt this was the last lesson she taught me.
Since then, I have attended many deaths, including my mother’s. Reading the OP that Cheryl was kind enough to post, I wondered if it might make sense for gnG’s family to ask the hospice nurses about a trial off oxygen. There are situations in which supplemental oxygen doesn’t increase the O2 sat and at high flow rates it can dry out the nose and mostly just be uncomfortable. Sometimes a little trial and error, if that’s ok by the nurses, can clarify what provides the most relief.
In the midst of all of the macro-madness going on right now, the grace and kindness here have been a balm. Thank you all: gnG, her lovely family, and everyone here. I am grateful for the reminder of how kind and decent people can be.
fuckwit
What are sats?
Jean
While I read most every thread on BJ, I rarely comment. The gnG posts/threads have been moving and inspirational. Like so many others in this community, I am grateful to have read gnG’s posts and those of her family. May peace follow her from this light to the next.
amygdala
@fuckwit: Saturation. O2 sat refers to oxygen saturation in the blood.
laura
https://youtu.be/lB6a-iD6ZOY
Let’s love greennotGreen, her family and friends and each other.
A community of affinity is a place of comfort to find ourselves.
Life is short, fragile and precious.
None of us will get out alive.
But oh, the living, it’s bitter and it’s sweet.
Ruckus
@laura:
Very well said.
StringOnAStick
Peace and love to all, and especially gng.
AnotherBruce
@Mnemosyne: I never thought of this during my sojourn with my mother.It makes sense. Dying people are often aware of their surroundings. They are too weak to express.
barb 2
my love to this extraordinary family. My beloved aunt will soon be taking this journey — her mind is gone. My cousin and her husband are the primary caregivers. I’ve learned so much from following GnG final days. Be supportive and listen to my cousin.
cynthia ackerman
I work in EMS.
I get to know dying people routinely.
My hat is off to hospice care givers, who, in my observation, tend to be quietly saintly in their devotion to real people making a final transition.
I’m glad for gnG, sympathetic to her family, and hopeful that family and friends can find an uplifting message of love and compassion in how our public health system tended to her final days. As hard as it is to lose a loved one, this is a good passing.
Elizabelle
My best to greennotGreen and her family, writing you from a sparkling morning in Barcelona.
IMHO, you cannot make the wrong decision about oxygen intake levels or anything else when you are making them out of compassion and empathy for the person in hospice. green must feel so comforted, knowing that you are there with her, and keeping her best interests foremost. Mostly, that you’re there.
She still has a reserve of strength if she’s able to make it out of the bed.
Thank you for posting, green’s sister.
And we are going to do the mother of all fundraisers for green’s 3 chosen charities, when we get to the time to memorialize her. Best to all of you.
Debbie(aussie)
Hugs and love to gnG and her wonderful family.
I love this place. Everything is done ferociously, especially the caring. Thank you ?
lol chikinburd
Peace to gnG and her family.
Dalai Rasta
My prayers and wishes go to greennotGreen and her family.
TomatoQueen
Thinking of greennotGreen and her family this morning.