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You are here: Home / Open Threads / Home in One Piece

Home in One Piece

by John Cole|  August 5, 20178:29 pm| 196 Comments

This post is in: Open Threads, Sociopaths

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Made it home from Connecticut about a half hour ago after having spent basically 22 of the last 36 hours in the car, and man is it good to not be driving or riding for a change. Put close to 4k (3986) miles on the car, driving to CT and back to get ABC and the kids, then to the beach, then from the beach to CT, then back home, and I got pretty solid mileage- about 26 mpg, which is pretty good considering the bulk of the journey had 4 people, all of their stuff, plus a jam packed cargo carrier. I really like the Honda.

Before I left this morning, I checked last night’s sobriety thread and later on during the drive I had a chuckle about this:

Man do I have you guys fooled. I say this because you guys only get what is filtered multiple times and gets outside my head, because I promise you there is a ceaseless torrent of horrid shit going through my mind. If I am not thinking about or doing something that takes my full attention, what is going through my head is just awful a lot of the time. Sometimes I wonder if I am just a monster and sociopath. I mean, I am actively judging the fuck out of everyone every single minute of the day, and I am hear to say most of you are coming up lacking.

What brought this up, you say? What action caused me to erupt today and think about this? Let me tell you. It was about two hours into the drive, and it was a sunny, beautiful day. It had been raining, but I made it through the rain, and it was blue skies and fluffy clouds, I had a nice coffee buzz, the roads were pretty much clear sailing, I was listen to music, and all in all pretty damned happy. And then it happened. I came up behind a woman driving along, got in the passing lane, started to pass, and I saw it:

For no reason whatsoever I just yelled out loud “FUCK YOUR KIDS LADY.” Not at her, mind you- she had no idea. But I yelled it nonetheless. I don’t even know if she has any kids. For all I know she is some saint who just cares about kids. But it happened. I startled even myself.

At any rate, I am glad to be home. What are you all up to tonight?

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Reader Interactions

196Comments

  1. 1.

    rikyrah

    August 5, 2017 at 8:34 pm

    Glad you got home safe, Cole.

    And, it’s true….you are good people, Cole. :)

  2. 2.

    Ohio Mom

    August 5, 2017 at 8:34 pm

    Guess we don’t have to worry about all that approbation going to your head.

    Belated congrats on your anniversary.

  3. 3.

    frosty

    August 5, 2017 at 8:35 pm

    Priceless! The rotating tag line when I saw it was “Naturally gregarious and alpha.”

  4. 4.

    HinTN

    August 5, 2017 at 8:35 pm

    We all suck, Cole. Get over it.

  5. 5.

    p.a.

    August 5, 2017 at 8:35 pm

    NOBODY’S internal dialog is fit for public consumption, if mine is any indication too. Wasn’t it Miss Manners who said hypocrisy is the key to civilized society?

  6. 6.

    jl

    August 5, 2017 at 8:36 pm

    ” I am actively judging the fuck out of everyone every single minute of the day, and I am hear to say most of you are coming up lacking. ”

    It’s called the human race, Might want to read up on those assholes when you have some spare time.

    Edit: glad you had a good vacation at the beach. You are happy and relaxed now, right? Right.

  7. 7.

    lamh36

    August 5, 2017 at 8:36 pm

    Wait…weren’t you driving with ur GF? If you really said this out loud, did your GF give you a crazy look…lol

    Sorry, John, you still seem like a nice guy. Hell, I’m considered a good girl, but if some folks knew the thoughts floating round my head…I’m be getting this look from ALOT of folks –> https://media.tenor.com/images/c70b78d95344dc8986aae05a06ad24c7/tenor.gif

  8. 8.

    Mnemosyne

    August 5, 2017 at 8:36 pm

    Sorry, Cole, but a more popular blogger has already beaten you to the book about judging people. And it’s both hilarious and thought-provoking, to boot.

  9. 9.

    Gravenstone

    August 5, 2017 at 8:37 pm

    My first thought was “what fresh hell has Alain unleashed tonight?”. Then I realized your insert is showing the moderator control panel. Welcome back. I’m sure we can ruin anyone’s mood if given a fair chance.

  10. 10.

    Baud

    August 5, 2017 at 8:38 pm

    I used to judge people but then I realized that none of them would measure up.

  11. 11.

    HinTN

    August 5, 2017 at 8:38 pm

    @p.a.: I think it was Gore Vidal who asserted that trivial insincereties lubricated social interaction, or some such shit.

    ETA: I was young and a purity pony when I first read that and it took years of growing up to recognize his truth.

  12. 12.

    Schlemazel

    August 5, 2017 at 8:39 pm

    I wish we had those plates here on the tundra. I would get them custom. they would say
    EAT THE

    We are all dysfunctional in our own way Cole, you are not special

  13. 13.

    p.a.

    August 5, 2017 at 8:39 pm

    @HinTN: so true…

  14. 14.

    Mnemosyne

    August 5, 2017 at 8:40 pm

    I spent most of the morning talking over the plot of my book with another writer and doing the same favor for her. People seem to like my plot when I actually lay it out, but I need to actually write up a timeline of exactly what the villain’s evil plot is, who is (or is not) helping him, and how it screws up the lives of the hero/heroine at crucial points in the story.

    I need to accept the fact that I am a plotter, not a pantser. Trying to pants it just leads to frustration and writer’s block.

  15. 15.

    Phylllis

    August 5, 2017 at 8:41 pm

    As my husband says about me–lover of humanity, hates almost every individual I’m required to interact with.

  16. 16.

    Walker

    August 5, 2017 at 8:42 pm

    Three weeks ago I posted that my cat Marcus had escaped and I could not find him. This morning I got him back and he is safe. A lot thinner, but safe.

    It was not easy to get him. I had to actively trap him. The SPCA told me that a cat that has lived his entire life indoors will go to ground (out of fear) if it escapes outdoors. That on average, a cat like this will stay still and not move for 7 to 10 days. And when the cat does start moving again, it shifts its mindset enough that it can be very hard to get it back in the house.

    We saw him for the first time on Monday (over 2 weeks after he escaped). He looked healthy, but was very afraid of us. He would not approach and ran away when we approached him. So I went nuclear. I got two Have-A-Heart traps and filled them every night with tuna. I ringed my screened in mudroom with tuna to draw him. I caught two raccoons and a possum before I got him. But we woke up at 5:30 this morning to find him safe (and wet from rain) in the trap.

    Took him to the vet immediately and he got a clean bill of health. Now we just need to feed him so he stops looking like a skeleton.

  17. 17.

    frosty

    August 5, 2017 at 8:43 pm

    @lamh36: lamh36, you come up with some great gifs. I’m clicking on all of them these days.

  18. 18.

    jl

    August 5, 2017 at 8:44 pm

    @Mnemosyne: thanks that just went on my reading list. My uninformed, unfair and harsh judgments of other people have become stale and tired lately. I need renewal and rebirth!

    @Gravenstone: This blog has a ‘control panel”? Really? Doesn’t sound right. Can’t be.

  19. 19.

    chris

    August 5, 2017 at 8:45 pm

    I love mankind, it’s people I can’t stand.

  20. 20.

    Schlemazel

    August 5, 2017 at 8:46 pm

    As for what I was up to today. We took advantage of unbelievable weather for August. Low humidity and 70s. Went walking at Afton State park. I will be sending pictures to Alan for the morning thread. It is a glorious park that is all very deep woods next to the St. Croix river. The only downside is that the woods are so thick there are no great vistas to see really fabulous river views. We will go down to Frontenac for those. That is on the bend in the river and in addition to great hiking there are really wonderful views of the Mississippi.

    It was a glorious day

  21. 21.

    debbie

    August 5, 2017 at 8:46 pm

    @p.a.:

    I’m always afraid there’s a mind reader somewhere in the room.

  22. 22.

    PhoenixRising

    August 5, 2017 at 8:46 pm

    I am hear (sic) to say most of you are coming up lacking.

    As are you. You’re perfectly normal in that regard. Happy Losing Your Shit At Strangers Day, though.

  23. 23.

    SiubhanDuinne

    August 5, 2017 at 8:46 pm

    I get it. Just a couple of minutes ago I was on Facebook, and a (distant, not blood) relative was ooohing and aaahing over some damn baby that isn’t even hers, but she’s put up pictures of this baby about every other day for the past year and she keeps posting photos of frilly stupid lace canopy-covered cribs and shit like that, and I JUST.WANT.TO.FUCKING.BARF.

    I don’t actually hate babies, and no offence at all to those of you who are blessed with them, I’m delighted they’re in your life, but honest to fuck.

  24. 24.

    p.a.

    August 5, 2017 at 8:47 pm

    @Walker:

    I caught two raccoons and a possum…

    Braising works well. Carrots, rosemary, or creole style hide the gamey taste.

    ETA: glad to hear the cat is back.

  25. 25.

    HinTN

    August 5, 2017 at 8:47 pm

    @Schlemazel: It was a glorious day.

  26. 26.

    Mnemosyne

    August 5, 2017 at 8:48 pm

    @Walker:

    Phew! I’m glad you were able to recover him. Did the vet have any advice about getting him to calm down once he’s back in the house, or do you just treat him like he’s a new semi-feral and let him adjust at his own speed?

  27. 27.

    debbie

    August 5, 2017 at 8:48 pm

    @Walker:

    Wait. He forgot you after 2 weeks?

  28. 28.

    Roger Moore

    August 5, 2017 at 8:48 pm

    Whether you’re a good person isn’t measured by what you think. We all have good intentions we fail to follow through on and terrible thoughts we never act on. Those things don’t matter. What matters is what makes it out of your thoughts and into your actions. The guy who raises money for animal shelters, stops to pick up (and adopt) lost dogs on the side of the road, and refinishes his house to make it nicer for his girlfriend’s children is a mensch, even if he gets angry and fed up with the stupidity of the world.

  29. 29.

    mai naem mobile

    August 5, 2017 at 8:49 pm

    I have a lot of internal dialogues when I see young people dressed ridiculously or fave or neck tatoos. It’s usually about how dumb dumb dumb, especially those huge neck tattoos. Also tongue piercings and those big inside the hole earring things. Not easily reversible if reversible at all. Yeah,I’m an old fart.

  30. 30.

    jl

    August 5, 2017 at 8:50 pm

    @SiubhanDuinne: Those babies got a real racket going. Endless breaks and freebies, you ask me.

  31. 31.

    Baud

    August 5, 2017 at 8:50 pm

    @SiubhanDuinne: I like babies. They are the most dog-like of all humans.

  32. 32.

    Walker

    August 5, 2017 at 8:51 pm

    @debbie:
    @Mnemosyne:

    Once he got in the house, he reverted back after a few hours of detox alone. He is a bit stressed, but doing okay.

    It is not that he forgot me. It is just (according to what several people told me) that a stressed indoor cat cannot think straight when it gets outside and is overwhelmed. So everything is a threat.

  33. 33.

    SiubhanDuinne

    August 5, 2017 at 8:51 pm

    @jl:

    Moochers.

  34. 34.

    chris

    August 5, 2017 at 8:51 pm

    @chris: FYWP.

    The reason for my earlier comment. They still think pizzagate is real. Terrifying thread.

  35. 35.

    Laura

    August 5, 2017 at 8:52 pm

     I promise you there is a ceaseless torrent of horrid shit going through my mind

    Dear brother Cole, it’s not just you. We are all struggling, on our way to who knows where. We may get there, by and by, but we are all struggling, and we are not alone in the lonely struggle.
    YMMV.

  36. 36.

    Quinerly

    August 5, 2017 at 8:52 pm

    @Walker:
    Wonderful news. I remember your original post and kept meaning to inquire…just never saw any further posts from you on anything. I know you are thrilled.??

  37. 37.

    NotMax

    August 5, 2017 at 8:52 pm

    Gibble gabble, gibble gabble
    We accept you, we accept you

    (Like it or not.)

  38. 38.

    Manyakitty

    August 5, 2017 at 8:52 pm

    @Walker: What an enormous relief! So glad you got him back!

  39. 39.

    SiubhanDuinne

    August 5, 2017 at 8:52 pm

    @Baud:

    I like babies. They are the most dog-like of all humans.

    Interesting. I don’t think a baby has ever sniffed my crotch.

  40. 40.

    p.a.

    August 5, 2017 at 8:53 pm

    @mai naem mobile:

    those big inside the hole earring things

    One of my ideas to be a pet rock type millionaire is to make them with little propellers or whistles insid… oh damn…

  41. 41.

    Baud

    August 5, 2017 at 8:53 pm

    My mind is a serene oasis.

  42. 42.

    Quinerly

    August 5, 2017 at 8:53 pm

    @SiubhanDuinne:
    I actually do hate babies.?

  43. 43.

    SiubhanDuinne

    August 5, 2017 at 8:53 pm

    @Walker:

    Oh, I’m so glad the cat came back!

  44. 44.

    Omnes Omnibus

    August 5, 2017 at 8:54 pm

    @Walker: Obligatory.

  45. 45.

    Baud

    August 5, 2017 at 8:54 pm

    @SiubhanDuinne: And whose fault is that?

  46. 46.

    Quinerly

    August 5, 2017 at 8:54 pm

    @jl:
    Moochers?
    Takers?
    Freeloaders?

  47. 47.

    SiubhanDuinne

    August 5, 2017 at 8:55 pm

    @Quinerly:

    I actually do hate babies.?

    Come sit by me.

  48. 48.

    Quinerly

    August 5, 2017 at 8:55 pm

    @Baud:
    Poco takes offense. He is shocked.

  49. 49.

    Roger Moore

    August 5, 2017 at 8:56 pm

    @jl:

    Those babies got a real racket going. Endless breaks and freebies, you ask me.

    Moochers and looters, one and all.

  50. 50.

    Baud

    August 5, 2017 at 8:57 pm

    @Quinerly: I said babies were dog like. Not that dogs were baby like.

  51. 51.

    lollipopguild

    August 5, 2017 at 8:58 pm

    @Baud: Baud2020 bumper sticker. Vote for Baud he is better than you.

  52. 52.

    A Ghost to Most

    August 5, 2017 at 8:58 pm

    I hear you,John. I’m crazy on a good day, and the last year’s events, coupled with working in an environment full of coal humpers and Rump supporters, has left me very short with them. I may need to retire early if/when I tell some weasel to go Fuck themselves. I’m under a year now, so if it happens, I’m good, even eager.

    Glad you are safely back from you undisclosed location.

  53. 53.

    jl

    August 5, 2017 at 8:58 pm

    My most recent episode of harsh and vindictive judgment of others was the eclipse post today. I’ve seen an almost total eclipse. It’s gets fucking dark, is what. I didn’t notice all this metallic other wordly nickel alloy silvery sheen brilliant darkness BS. I hate all you entitled eclipsers with your eclipse snobbery. Fucking eclipsers. I hate those damn eclipse snobs. Hate ’em hate ’em hate em. I HATE THEM!

    Henceforth, I will note well, will never forget, any eclipse snob micro aggression.
    I’m also sick and tired of all you assholes who can spell and rub it in normal peace loving people’s faces all day long.
    Now excuse me, I am going to go fume and rage in private for awhile over a variety of well justified grievances against sundry peoples.

  54. 54.

    Baud

    August 5, 2017 at 8:58 pm

    @lollipopguild: And he’s honest!

  55. 55.

    eclare

    August 5, 2017 at 8:59 pm

    @Walker: Congratulations! So happy for you, I remember your post.

  56. 56.

    lollipopguild

    August 5, 2017 at 9:00 pm

    @lollipopguild: Baud2020 Baud sees you and notes your failures.

  57. 57.

    lamh36

    August 5, 2017 at 9:00 pm

    BTW, John, I swear I recall a post from you are another FP about having no love for twitter, and now I see more updated post from you via twitter than here at BJ…lol

    Hmm, I’m not even sure if you’ll see this comment, I should probably post it to twiiter intstead…
    http://www.picgifs.com/reaction-gifs/reaction-gifs/sarcastic/sarcastic19.gif

  58. 58.

    Quinerly

    August 5, 2017 at 9:00 pm

    @Baud:
    Poco offends easily when he is cranky and wishes he was still at the beach.

  59. 59.

    Baud

    August 5, 2017 at 9:00 pm

    @Quinerly: We have a lot in common.

  60. 60.

    Mnemosyne

    August 5, 2017 at 9:01 pm

    @SiubhanDuinne:

    Depends on the baby. I tend to agree with Fran Leibowitz when it comes to children — they have their flaws, but they tend to be more fun to hang around with than adults.

  61. 61.

    jl

    August 5, 2017 at 9:01 pm

    @lollipopguild:

    ” Baud2020 bumper sticker. Vote for Baud he is better than you.”

    How about:
    ” Are you good enough for Baud 2020? He sure ain’t.”

    Edit: if we add
    “He’s a bozo, a hobo and he’s got a loser taint”
    then we have a chant! For the convention!

  62. 62.

    Omnes Omnibus

    August 5, 2017 at 9:01 pm

    @jl:

    I didn’t notice all this metallic other wordly nickel alloy silvery sheen brilliant darkness BS. I hate all you entitled eclipsers with your eclipse snobbery.

    You are a man of prose not poetry. But I am not judging you. ::side-eye::

  63. 63.

    Patricia Kayden

    August 5, 2017 at 9:01 pm

    “I am here to say that most of you are coming up lacking” is the funniest thing I’ve read all week. Thanks Cole!

  64. 64.

    Mnemosyne

    August 5, 2017 at 9:03 pm

    @Quinerly:

    I like babies just fine. It’s their parents I can’t stand.

  65. 65.

    jl

    August 5, 2017 at 9:03 pm

    @Omnes Omnibus: When the revolution comes, buddy, you God damned eclipser.

  66. 66.

    Baud

    August 5, 2017 at 9:04 pm

    @Mnemosyne: I like babies I can hand back to their parents when I’m done with them.

  67. 67.

    Schlemazel

    August 5, 2017 at 9:04 pm

    @Baud:
    My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives, aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening through a cosmic vapor of invention.

  68. 68.

    Omnes Omnibus

    August 5, 2017 at 9:05 pm

    @Schlemazel: Ditto!

  69. 69.

    lollipopguild

    August 5, 2017 at 9:05 pm

    @Schlemazel: Headly, is that you?

  70. 70.

    Mnemosyne

    August 5, 2017 at 9:06 pm

    @Baud:

    That, too. I managed to get through the vast majority of my nieces’ and nephews’ childhood without having to change their diapers.

    Take ’em out to do fun stuff, get ’em all sugared up, and drop them back off at home right when they start to get cranky. Aunthood is the best. ?

  71. 71.

    planetpundit

    August 5, 2017 at 9:06 pm

    You think bad thoughts. You may sometimes speak the. Howvwe you DO good works and at times greta works; You are a good man Charlie Brown Cole>

  72. 72.

    Quinerly

    August 5, 2017 at 9:07 pm

    @Baud:
    Poco was ready to hit the campaign trail for Baud/Poco 2020 but his “body girl” was attacked in her eye at 7 AM by a table sized palm tree when she was giving it a drink of water. Urgent Care. Scratched cornea and iris. Poco is cranky. He didn’t get to do his campaign walks.

  73. 73.

    Schlemazel

    August 5, 2017 at 9:07 pm

    Cole:
    If only you knew what’s inside of me now
    You wouldn’t want to know me somehow,
    But
    You will love me tonight,
    We alone will be alright,
    In the end.

  74. 74.

    Gelfling 545

    August 5, 2017 at 9:07 pm

    @HinTN: Just this. Quite a bit about human nature is, well, deplorable. It’s what we do with it that matters.

  75. 75.

    debbie

    August 5, 2017 at 9:07 pm

    @Mnemosyne:

    Poop. Vomit. I got it all, but never tired of my nieces and nephews. It’s great being an aunt: all the fun, none of the responsibility.

  76. 76.

    schrodingers_cat

    August 5, 2017 at 9:07 pm

    What wine goes with the kid sampling, I would think a burgundy or perhaps a merlot.

  77. 77.

    Omnes Omnibus

    August 5, 2017 at 9:08 pm

    @Mnemosyne: Uncling is even better. There is almost no assumption that one might be competent with the little ones so one is never asked.

  78. 78.

    Quinerly

    August 5, 2017 at 9:08 pm

    @Mnemosyne:
    I was forced to actually hold my first and last at age 40. Didn’t care for the experience.

  79. 79.

    Schlemazel

    August 5, 2017 at 9:09 pm

    @lollipopguild:
    Gawl durn it Mr. Lamar, you use yer mouth better’n a $20 whore

    I was wondering who would catch that!

  80. 80.

    Baud

    August 5, 2017 at 9:09 pm

    @Quinerly: Oh no.

    You know, Baud!Care! covers both dumbass injuries and pets.

  81. 81.

    Kristine

    August 5, 2017 at 9:09 pm

    I promise you there is a ceaseless torrent of horrid shit going through my mind.

    I am certain that if people could read my thoughts sometimes, I’d be run out of town on a rail. I sure as hell would have no friends.

    We all think shit. But we (mostly) keep it to ourselves, and we don’t act on it. I haven’t read all the comments, but I’m betting others have said this, too.

    You’re a Good Man, John, whether you believe it or not.

  82. 82.

    jl

    August 5, 2017 at 9:10 pm

    @Baud:

    ” My mind is a serene oasis.”

    Good rejoinder to all those cat calls about sumps and pond scum.
    Glad you are working on framing for 2020 already.

  83. 83.

    Quinerly

    August 5, 2017 at 9:10 pm

    @schrodingers_cat:
    How about a nice Chianti?

  84. 84.

    SiubhanDuinne

    August 5, 2017 at 9:11 pm

    @jl:

    Now excuse me, I am going to go fume and rage in private for awhile over a variety of well justified grievances against sundry peoples.

    “Well-justified grievances,” I think you mean. “Well justified” requires a hyphen when used adjectivally.

  85. 85.

    Schlemazel

    August 5, 2017 at 9:11 pm

    @schrodingers_cat:
    Nah, kid is tender and light flavored, you would not want a red. I’d suggest a dry white like a sauvignon blanc or maybe a rose’ but not a sweet one

  86. 86.

    FlyingToaster

    August 5, 2017 at 9:11 pm

    @schrodingers_cat:

    What wine goes with the kid sampling, I would think a burgundy or perhaps a merlot.

    Too strong. Unless the kid’s particularly gamey, you want a nice fruity cuvée. For a gamey portion, a hearty central coast Zinfandel or Primitivo would match best.

    [Note: I just brushed my 9-year-old WarriorGirl’s hair. She’s NOT on your menu.]

  87. 87.

    schrodingers_cat

    August 5, 2017 at 9:12 pm

    @Quinerly: With fava beans?

  88. 88.

    Omnes Omnibus

    August 5, 2017 at 9:12 pm

    @schrodingers_cat: Bourdeaux gets the first three slots.

  89. 89.

    Mnemosyne

    August 5, 2017 at 9:12 pm

    @Quinerly:

    The newborn stage is no fun — all they do is sleep, poop, and vomit. Once they’re actually sitting up and more interactive, then those among us who are easily amused (like me) can play peek-a-boo and other amusing games.

    But I’m the kind of aunt who’s willing to pick small children up by their ankles and swing them around upon request, so YMMV.

  90. 90.

    Emma

    August 5, 2017 at 9:13 pm

    Don’t be silly. No human being is expected to be a saint (in all honesty, a lot of Church-declared saints were pains in the keister). We all have those moments where we eye the butcher knife with some affection. But you try to be honest, and you are caring of humans, animals, and the planet. That’s all it takes.

  91. 91.

    Iowa Old Lady

    August 5, 2017 at 9:15 pm

    @p.a.: I’m a little worried that as I get old, my ability to self censor will weaken and I’ll say what I think out loud.

  92. 92.

    schrodingers_cat

    August 5, 2017 at 9:15 pm

    Funny story, my mom has blocked several members of her Yoga class on Whatsapp because they keep sending her pictures of their grand kids, several times a day!

  93. 93.

    Quinerly

    August 5, 2017 at 9:16 pm

    @Baud:
    I felt like a fool at the new neighborhood Urgent Care explaining what happened. A plant watering injury. I did burst out laughing when the cute, young red headed intake technician named Todd was filling in medical history and asked for date of my last cycle. Probably TMI nut I’ve seen wilder things discussed here. Best compliment I’ve had in days….I’m 56.?

  94. 94.

    Mingobat f/k/a Karen in GA

    August 5, 2017 at 9:16 pm

    I keep thinking I should make more of an effort to make friends. Then I meet someone who seems okay, I relax a bit, and then they say something about their church group or “both parties are equally bad” or some such thing and I think, nope. And I go back to having no use for most people I meet.

    I could probably find new friends in the baby-hating club, though.

  95. 95.

    SiubhanDuinne

    August 5, 2017 at 9:16 pm

    @Mnemosyne:

    But I’m the kind of aunt who’s willing to pick small children up by their ankles and swing them around upon request, so YMMV.

    I like to teach them early on to blow bubbles with a straw in their milk or whatever they’re drinking. Also, to make noisy slurping sounds when they’re finishing it off. Works like a charm, because their parents never again ask me to keep an eye on the kids.

  96. 96.

    Quinerly

    August 5, 2017 at 9:17 pm

    @schrodingers_cat:
    Yep.

  97. 97.

    SiubhanDuinne

    August 5, 2017 at 9:17 pm

    @Quinerly:

    Almost as good as being carded, but without the booze.

  98. 98.

    Ohio Mom

    August 5, 2017 at 9:19 pm

    @Quinerly: I scratched one of my corneas once. It hurt! My memory is that it healed pretty quickly. Hope yours does too.

  99. 99.

    Capri

    August 5, 2017 at 9:19 pm

    @Baud: I heard my mother say that our dogs were just like her kids when we were little for years. Boy was I surprised when I had kids of my own.

  100. 100.

    Iowa Old Lady

    August 5, 2017 at 9:20 pm

    @Mnemosyne: I need some kind of plot outline to comfort myself with as I struggle to draft. Without it, I panic and am convinced I can’t do this. However, I still revise a lot because I learn about my characters as I see them in action. Just today, I was making notes on what’s driving my MC and making him doubt himself. I’m at about 35 K words. I couldn’t have done this earlier. I think most writers alternate use both plotting and pantsing.

  101. 101.

    Quinerly

    August 5, 2017 at 9:20 pm

    @SiubhanDuinne:
    He was so cute. I did have a vintage tie dye on and shorts. I always say that I’m not a cougar; I’m an ocelot. But I digress.?

  102. 102.

    jl

    August 5, 2017 at 9:21 pm

    @SiubhanDuinne: Mnemosyne needs to discuss her release technique.

  103. 103.

    Patricia Kayden

    August 5, 2017 at 9:21 pm

    @Iowa Old Lady: My Mom doesn’t filter her thoughts which isn’t fun sometimes but I guess that comes with being almost 80 years old — you just don’t give a darn anymore.

  104. 104.

    SiubhanDuinne

    August 5, 2017 at 9:23 pm

    @Quinerly:

    Urgent Care. Scratched cornea and iris.

    Ouch! That’s no fun ?

    The good news is that the cornea usually recovers quickly and fully from cuts and scratches. Wishing you a speedy return to normal.

  105. 105.

    AliceBlue

    August 5, 2017 at 9:23 pm

    @Quinerly:
    That happened to me a couple of months ago when I went to urgent care. The nurse asked me about my last cycle and I said “I’m 64. I can’t remember back that far.” We both had a laugh.

  106. 106.

    Roger Moore

    August 5, 2017 at 9:24 pm

    @schrodingers_cat:
    Have you checked what Swift has to say on the topic? He’s the best known English language writer on the topic.

  107. 107.

    Eric S.

    August 5, 2017 at 9:24 pm

    @SiubhanDuinne: i had a friend come sub at my softball game today. The agreement was i would keep any eye on his 4 month old. When he showed up with his pooch and not his daughter i could not have been more relieved.

  108. 108.

    Quinerly

    August 5, 2017 at 9:24 pm

    @Ohio Mom:
    Thanks. The PA says it should heal fast. Antibiotic drops. Just threw me for a loop. Got back from NC yesterday and had big weekend plans. Feel like crap. Hurts more when I close it. They wouldn’t even give me an eye patch. Aaarggghhhh. I really wanted a patch. Oh, also…I’m to stay off the computer.?

  109. 109.

    SiubhanDuinne

    August 5, 2017 at 9:25 pm

    @Quinerly:

    “Ocelot! Ocelot!
    I know it sounds a bit bizarre….”

  110. 110.

    SiubhanDuinne

    August 5, 2017 at 9:26 pm

    @Quinerly:

    Oh, also…I’m to stay off the computer.?

    When does that part start?

  111. 111.

    Quinerly

    August 5, 2017 at 9:27 pm

    @SiubhanDuinne:
    Thanks. I’m just so angry with myself. I basically jabbed my eye into the palm’s razor sharp fronds. Stupid.

  112. 112.

    dmsilev

    August 5, 2017 at 9:27 pm

    @Schlemazel:

    I wish we had those plates here on the tundra. I would get them custom. they would say
    EAT THE

    There’s an image floating around the net of the same style plate, with custom lettering ‘CTHULHU”. When He reawakens, He will eat the kids first. Note also the color of the handprint….

  113. 113.

    Roger Moore

    August 5, 2017 at 9:27 pm

    @Quinerly:

    How about a nice Chianti?

    And some fava beans?

  114. 114.

    Quinerly

    August 5, 2017 at 9:29 pm

    @AliceBlue:
    I’m still laughing over it. Apparently, cycles are a big deal at Urgent Cares. Here, I thought he was flirting with me.?? Damn.

  115. 115.

    efgoldman

    August 5, 2017 at 9:29 pm

    @Iowa Old Lady:

    as I get old, my ability to self censor will weaken and I’ll say what I think out loud.

    I had to really watch myself my last couple of years at work. Now? Who gives a shit.
    My mind is usually a morass of mixed earworms from the thousands of pieces of music I know.

  116. 116.

    SiubhanDuinne

    August 5, 2017 at 9:29 pm

    @Quinerly:

    Hurts more when I close it.

    The ophthalmologists in the group will correct me, but it is my understanding that the actual cornea has few if any nerve endings. The pain/itch/discomfort is from the inside of your eyelid (which does have sensitive nerve endings) passing over the scratched or scarred eyeball.

    A distinction without a difference, I know. But as I said upthread, corneas heal rapidly and you should be back to normal quite soon.

  117. 117.

    SiubhanDuinne

    August 5, 2017 at 9:30 pm

    @efgoldman:

    My mind is usually a morass of mixed earworms from the thousands of pieces of music I know.

    This is me.

  118. 118.

    SiubhanDuinne

    August 5, 2017 at 9:32 pm

    @Eric S.:

    That is a good friend you have there.

  119. 119.

    Omnes Omnibus

    August 5, 2017 at 9:32 pm

    @Roger Moore:

    My nose itched, and I knew I should drink wine or kiss a fool.

    Best I could find on the topic. He also seems to have had a thing for coffee.

  120. 120.

    Quinerly

    August 5, 2017 at 9:33 pm

    @SiubhanDuinne:
    That makes sense. It does seem to be the lid that hurts when I close it. I turned down the painkiller that was offered. Getting of the smarty pants phone screen and putting an ice pack on it as directed. Thanks for all the comments everyone. Carry on!

  121. 121.

    Nora

    August 5, 2017 at 9:34 pm

    @Omnes Omnibus: I always heard it as “have a fight or kiss a fool.” I like your version better.

  122. 122.

    Omnes Omnibus

    August 5, 2017 at 9:35 pm

    @Nora: It’s not me; it’s Swift.

  123. 123.

    ThresherK

    August 5, 2017 at 9:35 pm

    @Quinerly: I have a scratched cornea and will flare up a bit if there’s enough going on, pollen, dust, etc.

    After the antibiotic I used an OTC from Bausch, don’t recall the name but it’s better than eyedrops, and vaguely resembles petroleum jelly in color and thickness. Comes in a little aluminum dispenser.

  124. 124.

    Central Planning

    August 5, 2017 at 9:36 pm

    @SiubhanDuinne: I have 5 kids and don’t get in to the oooh and ahhhh shit. I hardly post pictures of them on FB. That shit gets irritating. We get that you think your kid is cute. Shut. Up.

  125. 125.

    Ruckus

    August 5, 2017 at 9:37 pm

    John Cole.
    You think you are special? You think you are different? That’s why we like you and keep coming back, jackass, because you are a normal fucking human being. What makes you normal is that you have learned to filter out the bullshit that rolls around in your head (and everyone else’s, btw) and not let it leak out, too often, too violently, or at the wrong time.

  126. 126.

    Omnes Omnibus

    August 5, 2017 at 9:40 pm

    @Ruckus: I’ve even been known to judge the fuck out of Cole.

  127. 127.

    Quinerly

    August 5, 2017 at 9:41 pm

    @ThresherK:
    Thanks for the info. Urgent Care PA was insistent that I see an ophthalmologist this upcoming week. Said it would heal fast but need to have a specialist check for scarring so that it wouldn’t flare up in the future.

  128. 128.

    Quinerly

    August 5, 2017 at 9:43 pm

    The resistance is real: http://thehill.com/policy/energy-environment/345404-federal-employees-step-up-defiance-of-trump

  129. 129.

    Svensker

    August 5, 2017 at 9:47 pm

    You think your brain is that different than anyone else’s? We’re all assholes in our heads, Cole. It’s what we act on and what we say that makes the man or woman.

  130. 130.

    Omnes Omnibus

    August 5, 2017 at 9:49 pm

    @Quinerly:

    Former Speaker Newt Gingrich on Friday even accused special counsel Robert Mueller, the former FBI director now investigating Russia’s involvement in last year’s election, as representing the “deep state at its worse.”

    Worse?

  131. 131.

    thalarctosMaritimus

    August 5, 2017 at 9:50 pm

    @Walker: That’s excellent news, Walker! I’m glad to hear it. I was hoping, when I read your original post about the escape.

  132. 132.

    Roger Moore

    August 5, 2017 at 9:52 pm

    @Omnes Omnibus:
    There aren’t any wine suggestions in “A Modest Proposal”?

  133. 133.

    Quinerly

    August 5, 2017 at 9:53 pm

    @Omnes Omnibus:
    Newt is a fucking asshole. I probably loathe him more than Trump.

  134. 134.

    Omnes Omnibus

    August 5, 2017 at 9:55 pm

    @Roger Moore: I haven’t read it in years.

  135. 135.

    SiubhanDuinne

    August 5, 2017 at 9:56 pm

    @efgoldman:

    as I get old, my ability to self censor will weaken and I’ll say what I think out loud.

    I had to really watch myself my last couple of years at work. Now? Who gives a shit.

    Fuckem.

  136. 136.

    Ruckus

    August 5, 2017 at 9:57 pm

    @mai naem mobile:
    I used to do the same thing, the question being what the fuck are you going to do when you get older and realize that all that stuff is unimportant? The other day we went out to eat lunch at work and the subject went around to tattoos. Only one of the 4 of us has visible tats. We talked a bit about it and I reminded him that I had 3 non visible tats as well. My boss turned and said yes but yours probably cost $140,000. I think that may be a bit high but it is true that they weren’t cheap, nor my idea. You know what? None of this means anything. All the tats, all the extra holes, the relatively non removable jewelry, at the end of the day it means nothing. They are different. They want to show it.
    Of course so many show it in exactly the same way that it’s difficult to tell that they are different. The kicker is that they really aren’t. Any more than we are or that Cole is. Yes there are outliers on the curve. But most of us fit in there somewhere near the center. As many have said, it’s more that we don’t externalize it.

  137. 137.

    Omnes Omnibus

    August 5, 2017 at 9:58 pm

    @Quinerly: Tulane should rescind his PhD for the using worse rather than worst there. Appalling.

  138. 138.

    Miss Bianca

    August 5, 2017 at 9:58 pm

    @Omnes Omnibus: Oh, my God, that is so weird as to be almost terrifying. What 70s TV show is that frm, for all love?

  139. 139.

    Miss Bianca

    August 5, 2017 at 10:02 pm

    @jl: OK, you have just made me LOL. I thought I was the only one who was feeling eclipse-cranky!

  140. 140.

    Another Scott

    August 5, 2017 at 10:02 pm

    @Quinerly: Ouch! :-(

    Heal quickly and completely.

    Cheers,
    Scott.

  141. 141.

    Miss Bianca

    August 5, 2017 at 10:05 pm

    @Omnes Omnibus: errr…what search term did you put in? “cold roast baby”?

  142. 142.

    Ruckus

    August 5, 2017 at 10:07 pm

    @SiubhanDuinne:
    I like other people’s kids. Especially the young ones. I like to pass them on the street or see them in an elevator and wave and smile at them. They smile and wave back, or look at you like you are going to eat them. Either is an acceptable response. What I really like about kids is that we then go our separate ways.

  143. 143.

    Omnes Omnibus

    August 5, 2017 at 10:08 pm

    @Ruckus: A lot of people who do the piercing and tatts are doing so to set themselves off from their parents and other authority figures. Pour épater les bourgeois. Well, I decided not to be shocked. I used to go to punk clubs in khakls, loafers, and sweater – I never had any issues. I don’t see any reason to create issues going the other way.

  144. 144.

    Omnes Omnibus

    August 5, 2017 at 10:09 pm

    @Miss Bianca: Wine pairing kid

  145. 145.

    Ruckus

    August 5, 2017 at 10:10 pm

    @Omnes Omnibus:

    I’ve even been known to judge the fuck out of Cole.

    What’s your point? I mean who hasn’t?

  146. 146.

    Miss Bianca

    August 5, 2017 at 10:11 pm

    @Omnes Omnibus: Ah! I see. Perhaps see what comes when you put in “long piglet”.

  147. 147.

    satby

    August 5, 2017 at 10:12 pm

    @Walker: happy for you all!

  148. 148.

    Ruckus

    August 5, 2017 at 10:13 pm

    @Omnes Omnibus:
    How is anyone, anything worse than newt? What a fucking waste of excrement in one bag of skin.

  149. 149.

    CaseyL

    August 5, 2017 at 10:13 pm

    @Walker: So glad to hear Marcus is home! Be interesting to see if he never ever tries to get out again, or decides it was pretty cool (apart from the constant terror part) and wants to make a hobby of escaping.

    Cole, inside everyone’s head is a big ol’ hot mess. I tried to be, and think I succeeded in being, “non-judgmental” in my idealistic youth. That era is long over. Sometimes my internal dialog appalls me. As long as it stays internal, though, all is well.

  150. 150.

    Omnes Omnibus

    August 5, 2017 at 10:14 pm

    @Ruckus: Just putting it out there. He judges us. We judge him. We are all humans.

  151. 151.

    Omnes Omnibus

    August 5, 2017 at 10:15 pm

    @Ruckus: Grammar critique.

  152. 152.

    Omnes Omnibus

    August 5, 2017 at 10:16 pm

    @Miss Bianca: I’d rather not.

  153. 153.

    HinTN

    August 5, 2017 at 10:16 pm

    @Miss Bianca: Quack, quack, quack.

  154. 154.

    Ruckus

    August 5, 2017 at 10:17 pm

    @Omnes Omnibus:
    How is one word of that wrong?

  155. 155.

    Ruckus

    August 5, 2017 at 10:18 pm

    @Omnes Omnibus:
    It was the even me part that I questioned.

  156. 156.

    satby

    August 5, 2017 at 10:18 pm

    @Quinerly: that’s awful! Hope it’s better soon.

  157. 157.

    sukabi

    August 5, 2017 at 10:20 pm

    SAMPLE kids first she might be a cannibal and prefers delicious children.

  158. 158.

    HinTN

    August 5, 2017 at 10:20 pm

    @Ruckus: Missing comma

    ETA: So, too, was Omnes earlier. So it goes.

  159. 159.

    danielx

    August 5, 2017 at 10:21 pm

    Cole, at one point – okay, several points – in the past some of your posts showed some, uh, irascibility. Some people – not me, you understand, but some people, might even say hostility. But in a healthy and hilarious way, let us say – healthy for those of us reading it and laughing, as oposed to you and your various catastrophes. There’s been somewhat less in the recent past because ABC is clearly having a positive effect on your outlook, may she and all her works prosper.

    However, every so often you break out in truly gifted invective. Please continue….I was at a wedding this evening when two friends of mine got married, both of whom i’ve known for over forty years. Long story, but saw lots of old friends there (jeebus did i really date four of those women?), and one of them was a guy i’ve known, again, for a hell of a long time although i only see him once every ten years or so. But he’s a serious republican, and he asked me what i think of trump (note: this is a true story). I thought about it for about thirty seconds or so and blurted out “he’s an incompetent, inept, corrupt embarrassment to my country.”. which is no doubt what he thought about obama……..but watching his mouth fall open was satisfying for abut thirty seconds and then it was like “oh well done burned that friendship”. It is painful sometimes.

  160. 160.

    Miss Bianca

    August 5, 2017 at 10:21 pm

    @HinTN: ee? err?

  161. 161.

    Omnes Omnibus

    August 5, 2017 at 10:22 pm

    @Ruckus: In there for rhetorical effect and because it reads better with than without imo.

  162. 162.

    HinTN

    August 5, 2017 at 10:23 pm

    @Miss Bianca: Perhaps both. I quack, you quack, we all quack.

  163. 163.

    Omnes Omnibus

    August 5, 2017 at 10:24 pm

    @Ruckus: Newt used the word “worse” when “worst” was what he clearly intended.

  164. 164.

    SiubhanDuinne

    August 5, 2017 at 10:26 pm

    @Ruckus:

    Former Speaker Newt Gingrich on Friday even accused special counsel Robert Mueller, the former FBI director now investigating Russia’s involvement in last year’s election, as representing the “deep state at its worse.”

    How is one word of that wrong?

    “Worse” should be “worst.” As Omnes noted in his #130.

    ETA: And his #163.

  165. 165.

    Gravenstone

    August 5, 2017 at 10:26 pm

    @Quinerly: Tangled with a lachrymator at work some years ago. Took me to the ER , where they flushed my eyes with a liter each of saline. The apparatus used so irritated the insides of my eyelids that I had to literally hold my eyes closed by laying my forearm over them in order to sleep afterward . Hopefully the irritation and sensitivity in your eye passes quickly.

  166. 166.

    HinTN

    August 5, 2017 at 10:27 pm

    @HinTN: Also too, perhaps I err in my misapprehension.

  167. 167.

    stinger

    August 5, 2017 at 10:28 pm

    @Walker: So glad for the happy ending!

  168. 168.

    HinTN

    August 5, 2017 at 10:28 pm

    @Omnes Omnibus: Well, yes. I’ve seen worser.

  169. 169.

    Miss Bianca

    August 5, 2017 at 10:39 pm

    @HinTN: Why a duck?

  170. 170.

    OldDave

    August 5, 2017 at 10:40 pm

    Surprisingly, I didn’t see this mentioned given Cole used the Virginia “Kids First” sample license plate.

  171. 171.

    Omnes Omnibus

    August 5, 2017 at 10:41 pm

    @HinTN: I wish you bedbugs.

  172. 172.

    Another Scott

    August 5, 2017 at 10:46 pm

    @SiubhanDuinne: Given the horrible state of editing in the popular press these days, I don’t think we can assume it was Leroy who made the error there… :-/

    Cheers,
    Scott.

  173. 173.

    Omnes Omnibus

    August 5, 2017 at 10:48 pm

    @Another Scott: The GOP used up my benefit of a doubt years ago.

  174. 174.

    J R in WV

    August 5, 2017 at 11:02 pm

    @jl:

    I hope you enjoy your fuming and rage !!

    Point it at Republicans is all I can recommend.

  175. 175.

    J R in WV

    August 5, 2017 at 11:12 pm

    @SiubhanDuinne:

    @jl:

    Now excuse me, I am going to go fume and rage in private for awhile over a variety of well justified grievances against sundry peoples.

    “Well-justified grievances,” I think you mean. “Well justified” requires a hyphen when used adjectivally.

    And now I have been out-grammarianed[sic]. Out grammar policed? one of those…

  176. 176.

    Ohio Mom

    August 5, 2017 at 11:15 pm

    @ThresherK: The Vaseline-like goop in the metal tube is what the eye doctor gave me 35 or so years ago when I scratched my cornea. Applying it was an interesting experience.

    @Quinerly: Rushing to the opthamologist sounds like a wise move.

  177. 177.

    zhena gogolia

    August 5, 2017 at 11:15 pm

    @lamh36:

    You have the best gifs!

  178. 178.

    zhena gogolia

    August 5, 2017 at 11:16 pm

    @Walker:

    So glad you found him! That is rare.

  179. 179.

    J R in WV

    August 5, 2017 at 11:16 pm

    @Quinerly:

    Sounds like you’re doing pretty good for 56, Ocelot! er, uh, Quinerly. Next time you’re going to be in Charleston, let us know and we can take you out to eat. Or bring you a sammich. whatever…

  180. 180.

    NotMax

    August 5, 2017 at 11:17 pm

    @J R in WV

    Punctuation, you say?

  181. 181.

    zhena gogolia

    August 5, 2017 at 11:19 pm

    @Omnes Omnibus:

    This exchange is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. (Not the funnier thing.)

  182. 182.

    ?BillinGlendaleCA

    August 5, 2017 at 11:27 pm

    @Miss Bianca: No, jl is just cranky, ALWAYS.

  183. 183.

    Omnes Omnibus

    August 5, 2017 at 11:28 pm

    @zhena gogolia: What else could I do?

  184. 184.

    ?BillinGlendaleCA

    August 5, 2017 at 11:29 pm

    @Ruckus: Careful with the missing commas, you could end up be accused of hanging babies in your bedroom.

  185. 185.

    Diana

    August 5, 2017 at 11:40 pm

    @eclare: same! Cat will be ok. From now on the kitty will probably be glad to be home.

  186. 186.

    Aleta

    August 5, 2017 at 11:54 pm

    @Walker: That’s so great. Happy for you and glad to know he’s home.

  187. 187.

    Ben Cisco (onboard the Defiant)

    August 5, 2017 at 11:57 pm

    @SiubhanDuinne: The Cat Came Back

  188. 188.

    Ruckus

    August 6, 2017 at 12:39 am

    @?BillinGlendaleCA:
    Isn’t that your thing?
    Besides I wasn’t missing a comma.

  189. 189.

    Alan Fahnestock

    August 6, 2017 at 12:39 am

    Dude, I’m thirty-odd years sober and THAT particular aspect of sobriety doesn’t get any better….largely because the world is, in truth, full of peckerheads and morons, and even your best friend, more than likely, has faults that would make your toes curl.

    Just remember Deteriorata: Whether you can hear it or not, the whole universe is laughing behind your back.

  190. 190.

    joel hanes

    August 6, 2017 at 12:44 am

    Carrots, rosemary, or creole style hide the gamey taste.

    Brine the hell out them in cold water overnight.

  191. 191.

    No One You Know

    August 6, 2017 at 1:49 am

    @Quinerly: I went through this. The ophthalmologist is important. She added another med because there was an infection just starting. Stay the course! How you feel better soon.

  192. 192.

    fuckwit

    August 6, 2017 at 3:19 am

    It’s normal:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8062QEFk5g

  193. 193.

    Quinerly

    August 6, 2017 at 5:54 am

    @J R in WV:
    How sweet! When my parents were alive, I was through there coming and going 8 times a year. Once I get the house I grew up in cleaned out and sold, it will be travels through West Virginia and stops in Charleston 2-4 times a year on the way to the NC coast. Let’s stay in touch. Thanks for the kind words.

  194. 194.

    Quinerly

    August 6, 2017 at 5:55 am

    @No One You Know:
    Thanks. Everyone is stressing that I must get to the ophthalmologist this week. Will do.

  195. 195.

    Quinerly

    August 6, 2017 at 6:01 am

    @No One You Know: @Ohio Mom: @Gravenstone: @satby: @Another Scott:
    Thanks for all the words of conern, support, and advice. Definitely to an ophthalmologist this week. Eye seems better this morning with very little pain albeit swollen shut. Have a nice Sunday.

  196. 196.

    Quinerly

    August 6, 2017 at 6:03 am

    Thanks to everyone who posted words of support and advice about this eye mishap. I have tried two posts replying. They keep disappearing. Have a great Sunday.

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