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You are here: Home / John Cole Presents "This Fucking Old House" / Fat Cat

Fat Cat

by John Cole|  November 20, 20177:17 pm| 64 Comments

This post is in: John Cole Presents "This Fucking Old House"

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My nightly ritual, shortly after feeding Steve, he informs me his meal was not enough:

He’s amazing.

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Reader Interactions

64Comments

  1. 1.

    Mary G

    November 20, 2017 at 7:23 pm

    Your house has turned into a warm and cozy home. My smart cat Shiloh got out the night before last, as he does once in a while, and was gone all day and a second night and I was worried the coyote got him. Last night he threw himself at the bedroom window, yowling at the top of his lungs, and I let him in. He bitched like that at me for a good twenty minutes.

  2. 2.

    brettvk

    November 20, 2017 at 7:23 pm

    I guess I haven’t heard his voice before. Not what I would have predicted.

  3. 3.

    Dorothy A. Winsor (formerly Iowa Old Lady)

    November 20, 2017 at 7:23 pm

    He’s very sad! And hungry!

  4. 4.

    Josie

    November 20, 2017 at 7:24 pm

    My son has a cat named Apollo who looks and sounds just like Steve. He is also very demanding about his food and asking to be on the other side of the door.

  5. 5.

    TenguPhule

    November 20, 2017 at 7:25 pm

    The TunchForce Lives!

    Rotating tagline sometimes is so accurate its spooky.

  6. 6.

    NotMax

    November 20, 2017 at 7:27 pm

    Blah blah blah blah Ginger Steve.

  7. 7.

    Rosalita

    November 20, 2017 at 7:28 pm

    He had to have the last word… and he got you out of your chair which was probably half the fun

  8. 8.

    sandra

    November 20, 2017 at 7:28 pm

    He wants “elevenses”

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elevenses

    But he doesn’t understand “time”

  9. 9.

    ArchTeryx

    November 20, 2017 at 7:30 pm

    Steve looks like such a character. That strident meow of his! He sounds like a big strong boy, even if he’s constantly protesting that he’s starving to death and that his “can opener” is the Worst! One! Ever!!

    It’s easy to translate meowing like that. “I’m hungry! Hear how hungry I am! Are you stupid? Are you dense? Do I need to speak louder so you can understand me? Feed me, dammit!”

  10. 10.

    RPh

    November 20, 2017 at 7:30 pm

    Translation:

  11. 11.

    CaseyL

    November 20, 2017 at 7:30 pm

    Is that Steve’s normal speaking voice? He sounds like a toy police car’s siren.

    I love that last disgruntled sotto voce grumble.

  12. 12.

    Tokyokie

    November 20, 2017 at 7:31 pm

    Reasoning with cats never works.

  13. 13.

    AnotherBruce

    November 20, 2017 at 7:34 pm

    All cats are from planet cat. They long ago figured out trans planetary transportation. They are smarter than our crude ape species. The ancients who worshipped cats were not wrong. They have deeply penetrated our world. They’re are our loving freinds who just want us to get along. They promise us peace, but only if we continue to feed them. If we forget that simple request there will be a horrible wailing and gashing of their teeth!

  14. 14.

    schrodingers_cat

    November 20, 2017 at 7:34 pm

    You have a nice voice, you should do podcasts.

  15. 15.

    debit

    November 20, 2017 at 7:38 pm

    I am currently having the exact same conversation with Oliver. He is massively overweight and after watching him lumber up the stairs this morning I have vowed to reduce his food. Before you judge, none of my other cats are overweight. IT’S JUST HIM.

  16. 16.

    rikyrah

    November 20, 2017 at 7:40 pm

    Hilarious ???

  17. 17.

    TenguPhule

    November 20, 2017 at 7:40 pm

    @AnotherBruce: A truly superior species wouldn’t let us declaw them.

  18. 18.

    Gravenstone

    November 20, 2017 at 7:42 pm

    I feel your pain. My tomcat (Draco) has a serious food fixation. And will announce in no uncertain terms that it’s time for food. And five minutes later, it’s time for more food. ad nauseum. He’s also picky as all fuck. I give them a small can of wet food in the evening to supplement the dry food buffet. He’ll deem only one flavor sufficient, for a few months. Then decide he never liked it and something simply must be done. Lather, rinse, repeat.

  19. 19.

    WaterGirl

    November 20, 2017 at 7:50 pm

    Try giving them pumpkin in addition to their food. Helps their tummies feel more full and both of mind look much better – gorgeous coats – since I started giving them the canned pumpkin.

  20. 20.

    Drunkenhausfrau

    November 20, 2017 at 7:53 pm

    This is such a welcome respite from the ratfuckery that is our daily news…

    Thx.

  21. 21.

    AnotherBruce

    November 20, 2017 at 7:53 pm

    @TenguPhule: Just watch out, they still have fangs, but only deploy them at night if you starve them.

  22. 22.

    Gvg

    November 20, 2017 at 7:54 pm

    Willow barfs it up if I feed her too much at once. Tiny little meals work, if I have time several times a day. This means I have accidentally trained her to think she can be fed any time. Oops. I am training myself to limit total though. Trying to anyway.

  23. 23.

    geg6

    November 20, 2017 at 7:55 pm

    @WaterGirl:

    It’s great for dogs, too. Mine love it.

  24. 24.

    TenguPhule

    November 20, 2017 at 7:56 pm

    @AnotherBruce:

    but only deploy them at night if you starve them.

    I would debate the if part. They seem to deploy them at the drop of a meat animal’s still living footprint.

  25. 25.

    Lyrebird

    November 20, 2017 at 8:00 pm

    @WaterGirl: Just a quick thanks for your comment on the previous thread, noting that yes at some point in life hands will genuinely accidentally bump one’s adipose tissue. I am not trying excuse skeezy behavior, just wanting to stay in reality. Also, I’ve moved a lot. I have spent time in handshake cultures, air kiss cultures, and so forth… and I’m a klutz. I have more than once kissed someone’s ear an a much too familiar way because I was aiming for that edge of their face and missed. Usually with someone who knew I had goofed rather than tried something weird on purpose.

  26. 26.

    danielx

    November 20, 2017 at 8:04 pm

    I get a lot of that, but the kittens (now more or less grown at seven months) want to eat ALL THE TIME.

  27. 27.

    Ryanayr

    November 20, 2017 at 8:12 pm

    This is precisely what my Maine Coon does every night and there is no negotiating with these feline terrorists

  28. 28.

    WaterGirl

    November 20, 2017 at 8:13 pm

    @geg6: My dogs love it, too. But on day 2 one of them puked up the pumpkin on my white rug, so I backed off with the dogs. :-)

  29. 29.

    WaterGirl

    November 20, 2017 at 8:15 pm

    @Lyrebird: Ear kisses! :-) I should introduce you to my little dog Henry. He thinks ear kisses are awesome, and he will occasionally go for eyelids. I try to tell him that’s too personal, but alas, he does not listen.

    On a more serious note, you are very welcome!

  30. 30.

    debit

    November 20, 2017 at 8:16 pm

    @WaterGirl: Interesting! Oliver will mug me when I crack open a can of pumpkin so obviously he’s already a fan. I’m going to give it a shot.

  31. 31.

    TaMara (HFG)

    November 20, 2017 at 8:18 pm

    I use this and it helps keep everyone happy.

    They like working for their food.

  32. 32.

    WaterGirl

    November 20, 2017 at 8:21 pm

    @debit: I give my guys dry food, pumpkin and roast chicken. Some days they start in on the pumpkin, even before the chicken!

  33. 33.

    WaterGirl

    November 20, 2017 at 8:22 pm

    @TaMara (HFG): i got something like that once but I hated cleaning it out. Too much dog slime for me. :-)

  34. 34.

    Major Major Major Major

    November 20, 2017 at 8:24 pm

    @TenguPhule: they managed to brainwash Californians into outlawing it.

  35. 35.

    Aleta

    November 20, 2017 at 8:24 pm

    @Josie: Same ! If ignored too long, he tries to knock pictures off the wall.

    eta Though the last two years he insists much more often so I’m thinking maybe I should get his thyroid checked.

  36. 36.

    Lyrebird

    November 20, 2017 at 8:25 pm

    @WaterGirl:

    I should introduce you to my little dog Henry. He thinks ear kisses are awesome…

    Sounds like a sweetie indeed!

  37. 37.

    Major Major Major Major

    November 20, 2017 at 8:25 pm

    @TenguPhule:

    meat animal

    There are other kinds?

  38. 38.

    WaterGirl

    November 20, 2017 at 8:27 pm

    @Lyrebird: He is a lover. A friend of mine used to call him Prozac because he’s so sweet he makes everything seem better.

  39. 39.

    TheronWare

    November 20, 2017 at 8:36 pm

    Steve is simply big boned. Please refrain from calling him fat!

  40. 40.

    Czanne

    November 20, 2017 at 8:39 pm

    30 calories per pound per day. A cup of kibble runs between 350-500 calories. A little can of wet food (Fancy Feast size) runs 45 calories (for the FF Naturals line, which many cats don’t consider food, but is the best diet cat food) to 110 calories (the FF cheesy ones, which are considered cat junk food), with an average in the 75-90 range. A big can (5.5 ounce) runs 150-200 calories. (Wet nutritional info is here: http://catinfo.org/docs/CatFoodProteinFatCarbPhosphorusChart.pdf )

    Steve’s about 15 pounds, I think, so he needs around 450 calories per day. If he’s free feeding a lot of kibble, reduce that first, because kibble is much harder on their kidneys and pancreas. He is much better off eating two big cans of Friskies a day and a couple ounces of kibble, plus kibble is easier to restrict. Kidney disease sucks ass for everyone: for the cat, it’s like having a 24/7 hangover, and for us, it means sub-q fluid and middle of the night crises, far more expense than the cost of years of wet food, and a long heartbreak. Wet food slows kidney damage, since cats don’t have a strong thirst mechanism.

  41. 41.

    TenguPhule

    November 20, 2017 at 8:42 pm

    @Major Major Major Major: Tofu, apparently.

  42. 42.

    Saving Private Equity

    November 20, 2017 at 8:59 pm

    I’m at the emergency vet right now having my favorite furry feline put down, after he threw a clot into his spine and became paralyzed.

    This is your reminder to give as much love as you can to the furry ones in your life.

    I don’t even really like cats, and this was a fucking awesome animal, I’d have traded him for most people.

    It goes too fast. Shit.

  43. 43.

    debit

    November 20, 2017 at 9:00 pm

    @Saving Private Equity: I am so sorry.

  44. 44.

    PaulWartenberg

    November 20, 2017 at 9:01 pm

    Tunch spoke to him from Cat Heaven.

  45. 45.

    laura

    November 20, 2017 at 9:07 pm

    @Saving Private Equity: I’m so sorry for you. That last trip eases their suffering, but leaves you sorrowful. Take care.

  46. 46.

    Just One More Canuck

    November 20, 2017 at 9:08 pm

    @Saving Private Equity: My condolences

  47. 47.

    AnthroBabe

    November 20, 2017 at 9:08 pm

    OMG. I also, too, have discussions with my cats Dexter and Isabelle. Mostly Dexter, because he is LOUD. I love it when I know people actually talk to their cats like I do. SQUEE

  48. 48.

    Gelfling 545

    November 20, 2017 at 9:13 pm

    @WaterGirl: Our Flora has taken it as her mission in life to assure that every human who gets close enough has absolutely spotless ears.

  49. 49.

    mad citizen

    November 20, 2017 at 9:16 pm

    @Saving Private Equity: So sorry to hear about your loss. Words of wisdom for sure; we lost 2 of our 4 cats this year. Have an 18.5 year old deaf female who also wants to eat canned food every five minutes.

  50. 50.

    Gelfling 545

    November 20, 2017 at 9:19 pm

    @Saving Private Equity: I’m so very sorry. Just heard from my Granddaughter that her cat at her father’s house passed as well. Much sorrow tonight.

  51. 51.

    rikyrah

    November 20, 2017 at 9:49 pm

    @Saving Private Equity:
    Sorry for your loss ??

  52. 52.

    ET

    November 20, 2017 at 10:09 pm

    @brettvk: that was my first thought. My second was John was arguing with a cat’s stomach and that is an eye roll worthy activity.

  53. 53.

    No One You Know

    November 20, 2017 at 10:10 pm

    @laura: @Saving Private Equity:

    I’m so sorry for your loss.

    I can tell thou from experience that I’ll never have a cat put down again, after my first heartbreaking trip. Peanut Butter showed up for two weeks after that. Between my legs, the backseat of the car, and while my husband didn’t see he, he heard her. We think she was still demanding dinner.

    I didn’t make up a word of that, either.

  54. 54.

    J R in WV

    November 20, 2017 at 10:27 pm

    @schrodingers_cat:

    I agree, John, you have a great broadcast voice for Radio, TV, documentary films.

    I’m not sure what this podcast thing is everyone is talking about. Listening to the Innertubes, innit? I can read so much faster than folks talk. Why bother?

    Love Steve, too. Of course. What a monster. Our biggest cat (13.5 lbs) has discovered how nice it is to be under the feather comforter. Warm, dark, and quiet. She can be hard to sleep with.. Wife tends to stick a foot out to cool off, and if she touches Cat, cat will bite her. All at 3 or 4 am. Owwwww! then we throw the cat out, unless it’s sleeting or something like that.

  55. 55.

    debg

    November 20, 2017 at 10:34 pm

    @SavingPrivateEquity, my condolences. It’s so hard to lose our furbabies.

  56. 56.

    SWMBO

    November 20, 2017 at 10:49 pm

    @TenguPhule: What about Betty’s butter lamb?

  57. 57.

    SWMBO

    November 20, 2017 at 10:51 pm

    @Saving Private Equity: They always go too fast. Don’t be hard on yourself. And when the time is right, rescue someone else.

  58. 58.

    J R in WV

    November 20, 2017 at 10:57 pm

    @No One You Know:

    I know it was, is, hard. But we owe it to them in return for all the joy they bring us, to let them pass as painlessly as we can. Drawing out their last fatal illness isn’t a favor to them, not to anyone really.

    I spent several weeks in MICU with my wife, who slowly recovered from septic shock. I saw families agree to shut down total life support, usually late at night after most of the family and close friends has a chance to be with the victim, who died one of two hours later. It was sad.

    But I met a young man (to me, old guy) who’s aunt, his only relative, was on total life support, while he was living in a waiting room off in a corner, with no lights on and drapes on the windows, for folks who couldn’t afford a motel and lived 3 or 4 hours away. He had been there for a couple of months, and was still there 2 months later when wife and I went home again.

    He could bear to tell them to stop, and they couldn’t stop without his permission. She was gone, but not yet really gone. Very sad. I wanted to tell him, but couldn’t . . .

    It is the hardest but most valuable thing we do for our people. Let them go when it is time. And yes, you will see them, hear them, for a long time after. I still catch glimpses of cats who have been gone for years now. Because I still love them.

  59. 59.

    karen marie

    November 21, 2017 at 12:09 am

    @debit: Has your vet suggested you put him on a wet food only diet? My cat’s current vet and her previous vet both explained that dry food has a lot of carbohydrates, so if the cat needs to lose weight, feed wet food only — way fewer carbs. Our Gracie lost three pounds (starting weight of 13 pounds) in less than a year switching to wet food. A couple years ago I started her back on that diet, only giving her dry food when I couldn’t deal with anything more complex. She typically gets 1/2 of a normal can of cat food, with added water to make it soupy (both vets agree that cats don’t drink enough water on their own), twice a day. When she started kicking her bowl off the shelf where she eats because she was so hungry, I took her to the vet, and she was diagnosed with an overactive thyroid. Since she’s been on medication, she’s much less aggressive about her bowl being empty. Good luck with the kitty diet!

  60. 60.

    karen marie

    November 21, 2017 at 12:12 am

    @Saving Private Equity: I am so sorry! Lucky cat to have landed in your lap.

  61. 61.

    John Cole

    November 21, 2017 at 12:35 am

    @Saving Private Equity: I am sooooooo sorry.

  62. 62.

    Mnemosyne

    November 21, 2017 at 1:29 am

    @Saving Private Equity:

    I’m so sorry. It’s hard to do even when you know it’s the right thing to spare them pain.

  63. 63.

    WaterGirl

    November 21, 2017 at 10:41 am

    @Saving Private Equity: I am so sorry. ::tears::

  64. 64.

    West of the Cascades

    November 21, 2017 at 11:42 am

    to Saving Private Equity — I am so sorry. It was about a year ago that I had to have my last cat put to sleep after 11 years together. Finally, this past Sunday – thanks to John and Steve for the inspiration – I adopted two adorable Maine Coon sisters, Sheba and Shasta, from the local CAT Adoption Team. Both of them are underweight having spent the last two years living outdoors (after the first two years of their lives indoors), but they’re settling in well and it’ll be no time before they are complaining that they’re not getting enough to eat! But for now they need to put on a few pounds. I will give them extra hugs this morning.

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