This may be the funniest thing I have read in a while:
Yes, it’s true. Tucker Carlson is right. I hate white people.
This secret was revealed earlier this week, when Carlson’s show had a segment on ‘Major Websites Running Bigoted Articles’ and chose to spotlight The Root. And, in that spotlight, each of the articles he referenced as examples of this hate were articles I wrote — including (but not limited to) “White People Need To Be Better People” and “We Need a Reset Button or Something For White People.”
I have been trying to keep this information concealed for years now. I’ve secretly hated white people since a skating party in 1992, when a white girl named Megan Lipslinker laughed at me when I fell in the rink while attempting to jump around when House of Pain’s “Jump Around” came on. Since then, my hate has done nothing but grow and become hungrier, like a guy at Old Country Buffet who’s hungry as shit but can’t eat because the server hasn’t given him clean silverware yet.
And, like most other hungry things — and, well, most other things that need to stay alive — it needs to be fed, daily, and this is what I do to keep my hate healthy.
I’m not going to spoil the list for you, but it does include: “9. Recite The Lord’s Prayer with my family. But instead of ending it with “Amen,” add “And then kill whitey.””
Dying.
Jerzy Russian
I thought this was going to be about the former MLB manager Whitey Herzog. So that linked article was even funner than expected.
Tom Levenson
Synchronicity. Just read that. Like just this instant. Utterly perfect.
W. out spoiling anything, let me just add…
Cous cous.
germy
I started reading The Root last year and I love it. Also love many of their commenters.
ruemara
I really can’t take any more of this casual white supremacy. I’m glad someone can joke.
Nicole
The Tucker Carlson saga gets even better- apparently his show originally reached out to Michael Harriot, who also writes for The Root, to come on the show for that segment. Despite the fact that he didn’t write any of the articles Carlson’s show cited. Harriot’s piece about it is pretty funny, too:
https://www.theroot.com/why-fox-news-littlefinger-and-horse-twitter-are-beefin-1821762139
schrodingers_cat
@ruemara: Their xenophobia and racism was never funny to me.
Jeffro
WIN
baquist
@Nicole:
Proof that to Tucker and his ilk, all us Black folk look alike.
ruemara
@schrodingers_cat: It was always there, always a danger. Now they hold almost all the keys.
Peter
Damon Young is brilliant and hilarious. It’s worth going back through his archives for anyone not familiar with his work.
Suzanne
I adore VSB. Damon Young and Panama Jackson always enlighten and entertain.
My in-laws leave today after lunch.
Citizen Alan
If Tucker Carlson had not been born into a wealthy family, he’d be selling used cars today. And constantly in danger of getting fired due to his poor sales record.
If Tucker Carlson had not been born into a wealthy family and was also black, he would at best be a convenience store clerk. On the late late shift.
JR
That was about our ex-manager, Whitey Deluca.
Kylroy
I constantly confuse Tucker Carlson and Anderson Cooper, and that’s not really fair to AC.
Nicole
@baquist: Or all write alike, as Michael Harriot’s punchline in the piece said.
Reading Damon Young’s piece after the 2016 election, about the 13% of black men who voted for Trump was the first time I’d laughed since Election Night. Totally caught me off guard and I was so grateful for it. I love his gift for starting out in such a way that I’m not sure where he’s going and then he sticks the landing like a gifted gymnast. It’s really cool.
Raoul
OT, but jeepers
I believe Doug had us donating to PA18. But we’re gonna have to up our game here.
Underpaid_Propagandist
@Jerzy Russian:
I had it tagged as the graveyard-shift albino who read “Juggs” magazine in “Raising Arizona.”
Enhanced Voting Techniques
That’s a pretty health hate he as going there.
MattMinus
This will not be a popular opinion here, but Tucker is the proverbial stoped clock on this one. The Root is racist AF. It’s wypipo, unseasoned chicken, and Becky all day.
Yeah, I know, delicious white tears, but if you ever wonder about those polls that show white people inexplicably feel that THEY are discriminated against… well, this isn’t helping.
JustRuss
Comedy gold. Read the whole list if you haven’t, funny as hell and the man deserves the clicks.
Ian G.
@Citizen Alan:
Replace “Tucker Carlson” with “Trump” and the same holds true.
Mnemosyne
I knew it was Damon Young. I recognize his writing style now. He’s a really funny, smart, and thoughtful guy, so it’s no wonder Tucker hates him.
Citizen Alan
@Ian G.:
No, shitgibbon aspires to the mediocrity of Tucker Carlson. If shitgibbon had nut been born a rich white boy, he would have died in prison decades ago. Seriously, at any point in his life can you imagine shitgibbon holding a real job instead of either an inherited position or a reality show hosting gig in which he played himself?
Mnemosyne
@MattMinus:
VSB (including Damon Young and Panama Jackson) only recently joined The Root. IMO, they’ve really upped the tone there. I subscribed to their Facebook page, so I really only get the VSB feed.
West of the Rockies (been a while)
@MattMinus:
Satire escapes many people. In the comments sections, one can encounter some unenlightened material, as one does here, there, and everywhere… because humans of every race, shape, size, color, religion, sexual orientation, etc., can say stupid shit.
No one grouping of people is perfect. YMMV.
Suzanne
@MattMinus:
Um, no. None of that is racist. Not even a little bit.
West of the Rockies (been a while)
@West of the Rockies (been a while):
Carlson, however, is stirring shit, appealing to fear and hatred and resentment. It’s kinda his thing.
ruemara
@MattMinus: I feel very sad for your wypipo tears. Sorry that the structural racism of mocking the structural racism of the system is making white folks feel all enslaved and unloved. How terrible. I’m sure it’s exactly like the murders of unarmed black folks, unequal justice under the law and genocide by neglect going on in black communities and USVI & PR. Poor dears, how will white folks survive the shade?
RSA
@Kylroy:
Well, they do have like the whitest names ever.
JustRuss
@MattMinus: Can’t claim to be an expert on The Root, but perusing the front page, I’m not seeing it. Is it their lack of love for Justin Timberlake?
Princess
Ticker Carlson is stupid and racist and awful and even he was smart enough to turn down an offer to work for Trump.
schrodingers_cat
Did you guys see the excerpt in Wolffe’s book about Miller? He wrote the first travel ban, and had to look up how to write an EO off of the internet.
Ian G.
@Citizen Alan:
Perhaps. All I know is that I’ve said to myself (and probably posted here) that if Trump had been born working-class white in Queens (say nothing of poor black), he’d be a used-car dealer in Ozone Park whose fingers would have been broken on a number of occasions by Gambino loan sharks.
Matt McIrvin
I think Trump kind of looked like Tucker Carlson when he was young. Fawning writers compared him to Robert Redford but I think that was just about hair.
West of the Rockies (been a while)
@schrodingers_cat:
What, were you hoping the man would have actual training, experience, and competence before taking the job?
Silly cat.
Enhanced Voting Techniques
@Nicole:
ROFL
West of the Rockies (been a while)
@Matt McIrvin:
Well, to be fair, Redford and Trump are both bipedal, carbon-based lifeforms.
Smedley Darlington Prunebanks (formerly Mumphrey, et Al.)
Man, is there anybody sadder and more confused than Tucker Carlson? Maybe there is, but I can’t think who it could be.
Suzanne
@ruemara:
You’re a better person than I, because I am rather enjoying them.
Cheap Jim, formerly known as Cheap Jim
I would have thought, given his warnings about the subject, that Cole’s favorite line would have been the one about hydration. Funny, and good advice.
Mnemosyne
@ruemara:
I don’t like the “both sides” idiot at The Root who hates Hillary and insists that third parties will fix everything because reasons. Can you please smack him for his recent column implying that white people only hate him because of “Queen Hillary”? KTHXBAI.
Timurid
@MattMinus:
I ran this through the wypipo > normie translator on Babelfish and it came back with “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to really cry about.”
hellslittlestangel
Yeah, SOME white people, .00001% of whom were progressive liberals who read The Root every day for years and finally got fed up.
You’re right about your opinion being unpopular here. The reason is that it’s utterly fucking stupid.
MattMinus
@Suzanne:
So when freepers make comments about dindoos, fried chicken, and Lafonda, you’re OK with that?
Like, on what planet is it NOT racist to use a derogatory term for another race?
Mnemosyne
@MattMinus:
So you don’t actually know what a Becky is? Hint: it’s not a slur against all white women.
J.A.F. Rusty Shackleford
#6 and #15 are my favorites
schrodingers_cat
@Mnemosyne: Concern troll is concerned.
But her emails!!!
@MattMinus:
Here, let me get out my violin and play for you. It’s every bit as nonexistent as your troll game.
Gelfling 545
@Matt McIrvin:
“I think that was just about hair.”
Wherever it may be now.
Mnemosyne
@schrodingers_cat:
I’m also a little weirded out that he apparently knows racial slurs I’ve never heard before. It doesn’t really speak well for him that he’s up on all the latest ones.
KickBoxBanana
Wrong way Cole was born a poor black child and is sick and tired of white oppression.
But seriously, if those are real headlines they are kind of unnecessarily inflamatory and click baity. So the fact his trolling has actually hooked some wingnut grifter is hardly surprising.
Miss Bianca
OK, he had me at number #1. (and grasp, I kinda *like* Benedict Cumberbatch. But yeah, fuck that cottage cheese!)
r€nato
of course, the demented right will pass around quotes from this blog post in their blogs and email distribution lists as if they are serious and not sarcasm.
MattMinus
@Mnemosyne: Oh, that clears it up. I forgot that racial slurs are OK if they’re only directed at a subset of a race.
Mnemosyne
@KickBoxBanana:
Young and other people at VSB and The Root write humorous essays that address serious topics. Exaggeration and hyperbole are a frequent way that people indicate that their essay is going to contain humor.
The fact that Carlson and, apparently, you, have a stick up your ass and can’t recognize humor when it smacks you in the face seems to be the issue here.
Mnemosyne
@MattMinus:
So you don’t know what “Becky” means but casually throw around obscure racial slurs directed at Black people because they’re so familiar to you?
You are creepy. Go away.
J.A.F. Rusty Shackleford
@MattMinus:
Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously?
schrodingers_cat
@Mnemosyne: Yes, most of them went over my head too.
Gravenstone
@KickBoxBanana: Derf sighting, aisle one. Clean up needed!
Suzanne
@MattMinus:
It is not racist for black people to say anything about white people in this country, as white people have the monopoly on power. It may be prejudiced—though in this instance, I don’t think it is—but it sure isn’t racist.
Another Scott
Trolls are out. Or at least one. Funny how they show up on particular topics, huh.
(sigh)
[blink]Don’t Feed The Trolls.[/blink]
Thank you.
Cheers,
Scott.
Suzanne
@Mnemosyne: I’ve only ever heard one of those. Good Lord.
Adria McDowell
Some people just can not grasp the concept of “punch up, not down.” SMDH.
And a few more go into the pie filter!
Mnemosyne
@Suzanne:
I have to admit, I laugh anytime someone refers to “Darth Becky.” Really, that’s supposed to be a racial slur on the level of calling someone the n-word? Really?
germy
@Mnemosyne: It’s Reverse Racism.
This clip puts “reverse racism” into historical perspective.
MattMinus
@Suzanne:
Ooooooh, what an intriguing calculus! If an Asian and a Latinx call each other a racial slur simultaneously, which one is the racist?
Captain C
@Citizen Alan: I can imagine him as a used car dealer who made Harry Wormwood look honest, then getting very quickly busted for various forms of consumer fraud and dishonesty.
LesGS
@MattMinus: Does one of them have institutionalized power over the other? Then that one. If neither, then they’re simply bigots.
James E. Powell
A very short musical moment for the theme of this thread. I remember almost dying laughing at this on SNL.
Captain C
@Ian G.: Beat me to it!
Suzanne
@Mnemosyne: I have started employing “Darth Susan” myself.
@MattMinus: Dude. Fucking chill out. Even if this specific piece was serious in its intent about insulting white people, WHICH IT IS NOT AND YOU SHOULD STOP BEING STUPID, it’s not fucking racist. Racism is entirely about a power differential.
Leto
@Jeffro: Jokes on him! I love couscous!
“This whitey keeps following me demanding I throw couscous at him; wtf whitey?!?!”
glory b
@Mnemosyne: Also lives in Pittsburgh, proud to say. He lives in my neck of the woods, the East End.
I knw the older brother of a young ladt he wrote about a while back. She was stalked by her landlord’s son to the extent she left the city for a few years. She returned to the city, said he wasn’t going to make her afraid, ran into him at a night spot and he shot her after she left the place and was walking to her car.
He is funny but can also make you shed a few tears too.
medrawt
This is a boring over-explained story:
Back around the beginning of fall The Root published an article dedicated to making fun of Mike Tirico (ESPN personality). Now, there are some good reasons to be critical of Tirico, but this wasn’t about that. Tirico appears to most people to be black. Towards the beginning of his career, 25 years ago, he gave an interview in which he acknowledged that people thought he was black, but he considered himself Italian, his whole family was Italian, etc., and he had no reason to believe he was black, despite what people saw when they looked at him. The post on The Root was there because of a much more recent interview Tirico gave in which the same subject was brought up. The author of the blog post quoted Tirico’s comments from 25 years ago as though they were still his current comments, came at him for being delusional and self-hating from a few different angles, and then the entire comments section was people dunking on Tirico for being in denial. Thereby missing that, in 2017, Tirico had something very different to say, which was that he learned some complicated things about his family history, he wasn’t interested in talking about it that much, but he would describe himself as biracial.
I don’t like Mike Tirico, but this was either lazy or transparently unfair if not both, and at the time it seemed pretty typical of The Root to me, in that mocking people in a satisfying way took precedence over getting the facts right more often than I personally cared for, but that’s a very ymmv kind of thing.
Mnemosyne
So since the subject of white women’s tears has come up and I think most people here feel empowered to tell me when I’m being a moron …
I always find these stories of white women crying when they’re confronted for saying something stupidly racist and then having a white (male) knight attack the person who pointed out the racist comment to be weird, because when I was growing up, my dad would actually yell at me if I cried during an argument and say I was trying to manipulate him. So it seems weird to me that other white women are successfully turning on the waterworks for white men in one situation and getting yelled at for it by those same white men in other situations. It makes no sense to me, but I realize that human behavior (and white supremacist behavior) doesn’t always make sense. It’s more like, why do these women think that crying will help, and who are these white dudes who are suddenly oh-so-affected by their tears when they don’t give a shit in other circumstances?
I don’t think I ever had another white person step in to save me if I said something that I didn’t realize was racist until every Black person in the room turned to stare at me in horror. But I also think that I was usually in majority-Black social situations in those cases since college was still fairly segregated socially (late 80s-early 90s), so there weren’t a lot of other white people there who were willing to defend my stupidity.
I realize the answers here are probably “white supremacy” and “white patriarchy,” but it’s so opposite to my own experience that it’s weird to hear about.
Mnemosyne
@medrawt:
See, now, that’s an actual well-thought-out criticism that I can completely understand. I don’t totally agree, but I can see where you’re coming from.
Mike in DC
@Miss Bianca:
But I’m white and I love cott…oh.
varmintito
3. Walk my dog, who I’ve named Bactaf, an acronym for Biting All Crackas Today and Forever.
Enhanced Voting Techniques
@MattMinus: That’s point the Matt, the racists do nothing but talk smack about blacks and then accuse blacks of reverse racism when blacks get angry at being constantly insulted. Being nice doesn’t work with these twats so blacks just as well dish it out too.
Nicole
@Mnemosyne: I don’t think tears are a necessarily consciously chosen tact of manipulation (as crying on cue isn’t really all that easy, just ask a lot of actors); I think that maybe a lot of white women cry when confronted about racially prejudiced behaviors because we have a deep seated need to believe in ourselves as being a good person (I mean “we” on a larger, human race sense). The Root writers have touched on this, too- that white folk are more upset about being called racist than we are about the actual effects of systemic racism, because it puts a knife right through our concept of ourself of “I’m a good person.” Likewise, I think that may be why white men leap to defend a white woman accused of being racist, when they’ll let her cry in the wind if it’s about sexism. We have been enculturated that being racist is bad, ergo, racists are bad people, and if I do something racist it means I’m a bad person, which shakes the very core of my belief that I’m a good person. It’s one of the challenges with addressing racism- we white folks’ overblown emotional reaction to having it pointed out to us.
Going back to acting, one of the things actors have to learn when playing the villain is that the villain never thinks of themself as a bad person- the bad behavior is always justified in their own mind. Because that’s what we do in real life, too.
Interesting tidbit- there are sociologists who believe that enslaving black Africans came first, and then the racism to justify it, because it’s a pretty horrible thing European colonists chose to do people from Africa. Lotta dehumanizing necessary for the Europeans and their descendants to still be able to believe they’d get into Heaven.
Brent
@MattMinus: Others have pointed out the difference between racism and bigotry/prejudice, so I don’t feel its necessary to go into it again. I also think, in this very specific context, its not really that important a distinction.
That is to say, I get what you are saying. I think its incorrect, not because of the term you used, but because I believe it rather misses the point of wypipo and becky, etc. Their critique is not really of white people or even people at all. Its of white privilege and the structural racism that allows it to persist.
The problem, in their estimation, with Tucker Carlson, for instance, is not that he is white or that he is somehow inferior because of some essential biological deficiency. It is that he is just a typical mediocre dude who gets to host a major talk show despite not being very talented and that is only possible because of the privileges that his race and relative wealth have afforded him within our particular social structure.
Without the existence of white supremacy, in other words, “becky” if she existed at all wouldn’t be relevant and certainly not a trope worth mocking.
Enhanced Voting Techniques
@Brent:
More than that, Tucker persona is specifically a boring, smug, white asshole, he’s playing some racist stereotype.
lethargytartare
@Smedley Darlington Prunebanks (formerly Mumphrey, et Al.):
MattMinus?
J R in WV
@MattMinus:
Dude, I’m an old white guy with a white beard in a white county in a white state, and I believe the Root and associated black web pages are as funny as fuck, in spite of existing in a racist world that slants everything against black people. And you need to go away from here, because no one is going to agree with your racist take on black people and their racist hatred for racists.
I don’t care if you go away or not, except that ideologically I wish you would not spread your poison here. I will only see your posts about pie, no matter what you do. Good bye, pie boy!
J R in WV
@medrawt:
You comment here less than once a year, which is why I don’t recognize your Nym. Unless you use multiple Nyms to spread your derp out between them and lessen your shot at getting banned. I won’t ever see another of your comments, as from now on you will comment only on glorious Pie, jerkwad!
J R in WV
@MattMinus:
Wow, I looked up your posts, Google gave me about 300 of them, and they are mostly all despicable. So glad you can only post about pie now!!
medrawt only has 11 posts here forever, unless you are him. Jeeze, where do there people come from, how do they learn a topic they are compelled to be completely ass-backwards about is coming around?
mad citizen
@hellslittlestangel: I’m out and about and don’t have time to check out this root thing, but I will say I haven’t found any of the posted clips funny.
Mnemosyne
@Brent:
Very true. I think the people who see it as white supremacy in action — basically, two or more white people shouting down the people of color who try to call them out on their racist bullshit — are absolutely correct. It’s the intersection between that and white misogyny/patriarchy that I’m trying to tease apart in my own head. Because, from my experience, that white boyfriend who “chivalrously” intervenes when his white girlfriend starts crying over being called out for saying something racist is also quite willing to scream misogynist abuse at that same girlfriend until she cries.
Mnemosyne
@J R in WV:
Meh. I think medrawt is fine. S/he has a specific reason for not liking the snarkiness at The Root and supported that with an example.
MattZero is a different story.
Mnemosyne
@Nicole:
There does seem to be a shift when democracy started being demanded in Europe. There were people of color like my new hero, the Chevalier de St. Georges, who were fairly well accepted because they had blood ties to the aristocracy, but once the aristocracy fell and the social classes became more equal, there needed to be a new hierarchy, and you had a group of people who were already easy to identify as “other” by their skin color …
If you ever listen to the David Bight iTunesU class on the Civil War, he spends the entire first half of it explaining how the slave states basically organized their entire ethos around skin color and white supremacy. They developed an entire philosophy to support it and even redesigned their churches around it.
Nicole
@Mnemosyne: I’ll totally have to check that out. Thanks for the recommendation.