Archives for February 2018

It’s been a few weeks since we checked in on Floriduh! Man (and occasionally Woman, and one time toddler). What madcap antics has he been up to?

Way back in January, Floriduh! Man found a unique way to partake of Attorney General Sessions favorite gateway drug!

SEBASTIAN, Florida – During a traffic stop on Tuesday at approximately 8:50 p.m., a local man hid a bag of marijuana in his anal cavity while being searched, according to the Sebastian Police Department.

As they say in the Ranger Regiment: “That’s a technique!”

Floriduh! Man is a fitness freak. Emphasis on the freak. We’ve got not one, but two overly enthusiastic and way, way under dressed fitness (aficionados in the) buff.

VERO BEACH, Florida – A 25-year-old man was arrested after employees at Plant Fitness called law enforcement about a man committing an indecent act in the parking lot, according to the Indian River County Sheriff’s Office.

Robert Joseph Fishman, of Vero Beach, was arrested Sunday on charges of Exposure of Sexual Organs, Misdemeanor Disorderly Conduct, Misdemeanor Disorderly Conduct, and Misdemeanor Resist Arrest Without Violence.

The incident occurred at a plaza in Vero Beach, located at 1295 U.S. 1 Highway, in front of the Planet Fitness where a utility worker said Fishman was naked and talking to himself, the report said.

“I observed a white male with no shirt, no shoes, and jean pants that were low enough to expose his sexual organs,” the deputy said.

Fishman was rambling and making no sense of any sentences. He was having difficulty concentrating and was continuously moving his hands in and out of his pockets, according to the deputy.

Employees at Planet Fitness called law enforcement to report the subject over concern for the safety of the public.

Fishman told police that he took heroin a couple of hours prior and said he was trying to get to his father’s house.

And:

A tenant at a Florida apartment complex is facing criminal charges–and eviction–after he was caught “utilizing every machine” in n the community gym “while being completely naked,” according to an arrest affidavit.

Police were called Wednesday morning to the Andover Place Apartments in Orlando after a leasing agent spotted Kerry Haynes, 57, working out in the buff. The agent then contacted a maintenance man to report what she had observed.

That’s gotta chafe!

What about Floriduh! shooting arns you ask? Do we have something special for you!

CAPE CORAL, Fla. — A Florida man was arrested Sunday after allegedly trying to turn his Cape Coral apartment into an indoor shooting range, according to the Cape Coral Police Department.

Ivan Bakh, 61, was charged when his neighbors called police to report that they were awakened by a loud bang and found a large hole in the headboard of their beds, just over their heads.

A second hole was discovered in the dresser mirror at the foot of the victims’ bed, police say. Further investigation from the victims uncovered another hole in the adjacent living room (on the other side of the wall from the dresser mirror) and a fourth hole in the living room’s far wall.

After police were summoned, they made contact with Bakh, the victims’ next-door neighbor, according to the police report.  An investigation of his apartment revealed a large hole through the wall between his apartment and the victims’ next door. Several books were found, taped together and propped  on a shelf. One had a target drawn on the cover in red marker, police say. The books appeared to be perforated by several rounds, according to police.

It is the Gunshine State…

Just a brief Public Service Announcement: DO NOT TURN YOUR DOMICILE INTO A SHOOTING RANGE! IT’S BAD! VERY, VERY BAD! M’KAY?!?!?

All these Floriduh! Man hijinks sure do make a guy hungry.

A Florida man desperate to get his beer Friday used hot dogs and a corn dog stick to attack a gas station clerk, police said Monday.

Cavan McDaniel, 35, threw hot dogs and poked the female clerk with a corn dog stick at Petro gas station in Marion County, officials said. McDaniel’s bizarre outbreak allegedly began after the clerk refused to sell him beer. It’s unclear what the clerk’s reason was.

“The victim was left with a red mark under her eye due to the corn dog stick attack,” the sheriff’s office said.

Surveillance video captured a man identified as McDaniel lunging with a hot dog at the clerk.

McDaniel was charged with battery-touch or strike. He also violated his probation from Pasco County.

He is being held in jail on no bond.

Good thing he only had a standard sized corn dog stick magazine or clip or whatever… Also, obligatory:

And we end our tour of the indigenous fauna of the largest commercially viable sandbar with the intersection of Floriduh! Man and the President:

VERO BEACH, Florida – A 41-year-old man told officers that President Donald Trump opened the Chevron gas station for him to rob after he was caught stealing merchandise, according to the Vero Beach Police Department.

William Thomas Keating, of Vero Beach, was seen by a motorist entering the Chevron gas station, located at 3365 Aviation Blvd., and banging his fist on the counter multiple times while the business was closed.

The incident happened on Tuesday morning at approximately 4:00 a.m. when a passerby saw him inside the store.

Keating, who told police he works as a publisher in Vero Beach, was seen with his hands full of merchandise.

“During my limited questioning of Mr. Keating, he stated that he knew he was not supposed to be in the store but stated that Donald Trump opened the door and let him in,” the officer said.

In Keating’s coat pocket were 10-15 white pills that were sent to the lab for testing. (Front Pager’s note: this is what we professional criminologists call a clue!)

Apparently Mr. Keating only wanted to MAGA!

Stay frosty or BettyC and I will buy some of these folks bus tickets and send them to visit your towns!

Open thread!

Floriduh! Man: February Update!Post + Comments (57)