Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Wow, I can’t imagine what it was like to comment in morse code.

Let’s delete this post and never speak of this again.

People are complicated. Love is not.

🎶 Those boots were made for mockin’ 🎵

But frankly mr. cole, I’ll be happier when you get back to telling us to go fuck ourselves.

Black Jesus loves a paper trail.

Our job is not to persuade republicans but to defeat them.

Balloon Juice has never been a refuge for the linguistically delicate.

When do we start airlifting the women and children out of Texas?

You cannot shame the shameless.

Usually wrong but never in doubt

Red lights blinking on democracy’s dashboard

John Fetterman: Too Manly for Pennsylvania.  Paid for by the Oz for Senator campaign.

“Everybody’s entitled to be an idiot.”

It’s always darkest before the other shoe drops.

Teach a man to fish, and he’ll sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

I like you, you’re my kind of trouble.

When someone says they “love freedom”, rest assured they don’t mean yours.

JFC, are there no editors left at that goddamn rag?

Too often we hand the biggest microphones to the cynics and the critics who delight in declaring failure.

T R E 4 5 O N

You can’t love your country only when you win.

I did not have this on my fuck 2022 bingo card.

In my day, never was longer.

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Reader Interactions

107Comments

  3. 3.

    gene108

    I like the part about “No Fatties”.

    Really is something Trump would value over other attributes of an attorney.

  5. 5.

    Feebog

    Probably would be best if any attorney Trumpov hires is bald. Won’t be able to pull their hair out in frustration.

  11. 11.

    dmsilev

    @Roger Moore: No, that’s completely covered:

    compensation: Client is a hugely wealthy man. Hugely successful. Everyone says it

    Surely that addresses any possible concern.

  12. 12.

    randy khan

    It’s brilliant, although I kind of wonder if it should have included experience in Mann Act cases as well.

  13. 13.

    Yutsano

    @HeleninEire: It was passed in 1796 and has never been challenged in court. Which made me guffaw. If they can find an expert in that we’re talking way beyond purple squirrel candidate at this point.

  15. 15.

    TenguPhule

    @Roger Moore:

    They forgot to include the part where there are questions about ability/willingness to pay.

    Good lawyers are always expected to work on contingency. //

  16. 16.

    Joyce H

    Hey, can we get real about the DiGenova-Toensing debacle? The White House says that when the couple visited the White House, Trump found them incompatible with him, and one leaker whispered that they appeared ‘disheveled’ on their visit.

    Here’s (IMO) the real explanation. Remember that Trump had never met these people, just liked their appearances on FOX News. DiGenova and Toensing are both in their 70s. Their trip to the White House was the first time Trump had ever seen them without studio makeup and lighting – and they looked OLD.

  17. 17.

    Yutsano

    @Ryan: Steve Forbes? Did he even go to law school?

    @Joyce H: I completely believe it. Dolt45 only hires on appearance. Which makes me wonder how he came around on the Walrus of Doom.

  18. 18.

    germy

    I notice this a lot lately, where a talented humorist will write something and just toss it somewhere like craigslist for free, because they know they won’t be paid anyway at any online humor sites.

    Fifty years ago, the person who wrote this spoof would have had a book of funny essays available in every bookstore, or we’d be reading them in magazines.

  22. 22.

    Jeffro

    Someone ought to use Google Maps to get directions from the White House to the nearest public defender’s office, and post THAT.

  23. 23.

    sukabi

    @moops: Robert Mueller. He’d like Drumpf to have some competent attorneys that he doesn’t have to explain everything to three times.

  25. 25.

    Jeffro

    Apologies if this has already been linked to today: Why The president* Has No Personal Attorney, Pt 2 over at TPM

    As the author notes, you’d have to be a fool to take on this fool as a client:

    …I also agree with others’ observations that Trump’s reputation as a deadbeat and as a client who won’t follow legal advice is also a reason why most or all reputable firms would steer clear. But I also think something else is at play: attorney ethical rules.

    All prominent firms now have in-house general counsel to whom firm lawyers go for ethical advice. There is little doubt that an inquiry to represent Trump would be vetted by the firm’s managing partner and its general counsel. Trump as a client is a flashing ethical red light. He is a pathological liar. He is probably engaged in obstructing justice on an ongoing basis. He will certainly continue to tell lies and place his lawyers in the position of having to repeat them or disavow them. Distilled to their essence, the rules of professional conduct prohibit a lawyer from lying, using evidence he or she knows to be false (including a client’s lie), helping a client commit a crime or fraud, or letting a client use the lawyer to commit a crime or fraud. Representing Trump places any lawyer squarely in that ethical buzzsaw. It is like being asked to be a lawyer for the mob, assuming, as I think he is, Trump is an ongoing criminal enterprise.

  27. 27.

    Mike in DC

    “Indifference to Model Rules of Professional Ethics, and to timely payment, a definite plus.”

  36. 36.

    CaseyL

    I responded to the craiglist ad with a bit of free legal advice. I strongly recommended the “principal” flee to Russia and request asylum, and also that he take his whole family with him.

  39. 39.

    Schlemazel

    @rikyrah:
    I want to have that womans babies!!!

    She is truly doing the Pasta’s work. Irf mcCain were capable of shame she would currently be hospitalized near death

  41. 41.

    Corner Stone

    @schrodingers_cat: As an aside update, I went to my local Indian food restaurant yesterday. I decided it had been a bit and might as well see what happens. I went with a *safe* Americanized dish of Chicken Vindaloo and garlic Naan.
    I am pleased to report that although the cuts of chicken were meh, the gravy was very good. Enough spice to get your attention but very full of flavor. And the Naan…heavenly. I could their Naan pretty much everyday. It’s the only thing they ever got consistently right, IMO.
    So anyways, 3.5 or maybe close to 3.8 out of 5 for my trip back. Just a couple families eating in, no guys glowering at me as I paid for my takeout. Probably try again next week to see if this was a one-off.

  43. 43.

    rikyrah

    Shannon Watts
    ‏Verified account @shannonrwatts

    Shannon Watts Retweeted NBC News

    There are only FOUR attorney generals of color in America (IN, CA, NM, DC). But 31 AG seats are in play in 2018 via election. And the candidates running in 2018 are incredibly diverse. THIS is why it’s so important to get educated about your candidates and VOTE. #AltonSterling

  44. 44.

    TenguPhule

    @CaseyL:

    I strongly recommended the “principal” flee to Russia and request asylum, and also that he take his whole family with him.

    Are you trying to get him killed……oh.

  45. 45.

    mai naem mobile

    They should have added something like – ‘ideal case for a lawyer looking to retire and would not have problem losing law license or getting license suspended due to actions of client. Lawyer may be able to score bigly book deal.’

  46. 46.

    Roger Moore

    @rikyrah:
    Let’s just say that anyone talking about something happening with the Census in 1965 is not a trustworthy source of information.

  47. 47.

    opiejeanne

    @Schlemazel: Yeah, well, I don’t do tweed either but by sackcloth do you mean burlap? Because I think the two are not the same thing.

  48. 48.

    schrodingers_cat

    @opiejeanne: I used to know a catwalk model, and she once wore a sundress made of burlap to a party we were both invited, and she even looked good in it.
    99% of female population would have looked ridiculous in that outfit.

  49. 49.

    opiejeanne

    @Roger Moore: Did they cite the “1965 census”???

    LOL!

    I went back and read it. Her statement is just a flat out lie, and using 1965 as a census date makes me think she doesn’t know how often the census is taken.

  51. 51.

    Shana

    @Schlemazel: And ashes.

    ETA: someone a few days ago was asking about 5G and why their cell phone provider was encouraging people to lobby for it. Yesterday’s Kojo Nnamdi show on NPR covered the issue in case you’re still interested in learning a bit more about it.

  53. 53.

    Roger Moore

    I’m starting to think Trump’s attorney had also better be an expert in RICO cases.

  54. 54.

    Corner Stone

    @schrodingers_cat: Yes, I got what I ordered and it was good. I only mention it because we had discussed in the past that the environment did not seem hospitable and the food was blazing F’ng hot with little or no flavor. I am hopeful to start spending money there again as I enjoy a good portion of their menu.
    And you can not get Naan bread that outstanding within 30 minutes of my house. So.

  55. 55.

    Baud

    @Roger Moore:

    There are various surveys the Census Bureau undertakes in between the big 10 year censuses. It’s possible citizenship is a question on some of those, which might make her answer misleading as opposed to a flat out lie.

  56. 56.

    schrodingers_cat

    @Corner Stone: There was an Indian restaurant I used to frequent that had a bread sampler. It was the best thing evah. They had naan, parathas, kulchas and pooris. Its like I had died and gone to bread heaven.
    Have you ever had a roomali (handkerchief) roti. They toss the dough like pizza but it is much thinner.
    It ar awesome.

  57. 57.

    Corner Stone

    @Shana: There is no such thing as “3G” “4G” or “5G”. They are all scams that enable carriers to charge ever escalating prices.

  59. 59.

    ? ?? Goku (aka Amerikan Baka) ? ?

    @Corner Stone:

    There is no such thing as “3G” “4G” or “5G”. They are all scams that enable carriers to charge ever escalating prices.

    [citation needed]

  60. 60.

    Roger Moore

    @Baud:
    Experience suggests that lying is the most likely explanation for any statement coming from the Trump White House.

  66. 66.

    randy khan

    @Corner Stone

    There is no such thing as “3G” “4G” or “5G”. They are all scams that enable carriers to charge ever escalating prices.

    That is incorrect. The names describe different technical standards that change how much information can be passed how quickly over a given amount of bandwidth. Some carriers have been known to fudge a bit, particularly early on in deployment when there isn’t a lot of compliant equipment, but there are real differences. For instance, 5G is about 4 times more efficient at using spectrum than 4G, and has much lower latency.

    That’s not to say that carriers won’t use the change to justify higher prices, of course.

  67. 67.

    JGabriel

    @Yutsano:

    Dolt45 only hires on appearance. Which makes me wonder how he came around on the Walrus of Doom.

    Traitor Donald finally realized that hiring men who look and act like mustache-twirling, Victorian-era, evil criminal masterminds, fits his brand.

  69. 69.

    ? Martin

    @Corner Stone: Well, kinda.

    The mid-band 5G (3-4GHz) stuff is basically the same speed as most 4G implementations, but the millimeter-wave stuff (30-60GHz) which AT&T and Verizon are investing in is quite a bit faster. So, it really depends a lot on which part of the 5G spec is being implemented whether or not its better.

    The high band are fast enough for home internet – closing in on WiFi speeds. That could make for some interesting overlaps between cellular and home internet.

  72. 72.

    opiejeanne

    I know this is off-topic by several miles but I am beside myself.
    We are giving $7k to my niece and nephew to cover their closing costs on their first house and the mortgage company is yanking us around, claiming that FHA MUST be allowed to have in their possession a copy of a month’s worth of my bank statement. We have already given them a cashier’s check and a letter from our credit union complete with the contact’s info attached which we were told was enough, it was either that OR the statement, but now they’re claiming that FHA is demanding our bank statement for 30 days.
    Am I wrong to be annoyed as shit about this crap?

  75. 75.

    opiejeanne

    @Mnemosyne: That’s the one I was missing! That’s me!

    I think I was sort of quoting Peg Bracken with the chiffon/tweed thing. She said it shouldn’t stop us from wearing chiffon if we want to.

  78. 78.

    chopper

    @randy khan:

    yes and no. “4G” and “5G” are just industry terms. that being said, the telecom industry has been pretty good about not misusing 4G so far.

  79. 79.

    Ruckus

    @opiejeanne:
    I bet the FHA would only make that request in writing. Ask to see it.
    But the FHA is pretty strict so I also wonder if the mortgage co didn’t do it’s due diligence early on, that the FHA would always require that info up front and they got caught. If you get to see the letter, be sure to look at the date.

  81. 81.

    opiejeanne

    @schrodingers_cat: It’s more like they want to make sure we aren’t selling illegal drugs. They want to see that it comes from an appropriate source, which is stupid because I sold an underperforming stock and had the money wired to my account.

  82. 82.

    Ruckus

    @Yutsano:
    Pretty much anytime the signatory is borrowing something for the downpayment there is extensive paperwork required from the person lending the signatory the money. They want to know that payments can be made, if too much is owed to someone for the down that is an issue. I’ve seen this stuff come up before. And sometimes the down lender is asked to be a signatory.

  83. 83.

    MomSense

    If anyone is looking for something to do you can feel really good about, I have just the thing.

    Cashmere People Yarn is a collective of 70 Tajik and Afghani women who hand spin and dye the most exquisite yarn in the world. It’s a woman owned and run business. These women would like to bring more women into the collective, purchase fiber from more farmers, and expand their business. This is the only source of income for most of these women.

    The distributor is a young woman in Portland who owns a fiber studio. She is one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met. Her Instagram is PortFiber and I guarantee you will love her.

    There are two wonderful videos on the gofundme page where you can see the women and learn more about this project. My only connection is that I have purchased some of their yarn and I have taken classes with Casey.

    Empowering women in Tajikistan

  86. 86.

    Ruckus

    @opiejeanne:
    Would a gift of that size of cash be considered income and require taxation? They may be unsure if the borrowers have that on top of the down.

  88. 88.

    opiejeanne

    No, they’re not worried about the taxes, they keep yammering about making sure the money is coming from an appropriate source.
    I sold my GE stock and they will probably want to see that transaction too before we’re done.

    Ugh.

  89. 89.

    Mnemosyne

    @Ruckus:

    As far as the IRS is concerned, you can give gifts of up to $14K with no tax consequences.

    It probably is some weird rule to make sure opiejeannie isn’t a secret drug dealer. Trump saw this documentary about this guy named Walter White …

  91. 91.

    Roger Moore

    @chopper:

    that being said, the telecom industry has been pretty good about not misusing 4G so far.

    ITYM 5G, because the industry was pretty bad about misusing 4G when it first came out.

  93. 93.

    Shana

    @Corner Stone: I’m not disagreeing, but it’s what the cell phone folks seem to be pushing even though there seem to be no standards associated with what they’re calling 5G. It also seems to require lots of towers much closer to the ground and peoples’ houses and each other and the industry is trying to get legislation passed so they can bypass HOA and other community restrictions.

  94. 94.

    chopper

    @Mnemosyne:

    14k per giver and recipient, so between two parents and two kids the young couple can get up to 56k in a single year tax free.

  95. 95.

    chopper

    @opiejeanne:

    if it’s a gift and it hasn’t been in the kids’ account more than a few months or so the bank wants details. often it’s just a signed gift letter but that’s for a non-FHA loan.

  96. 96.

    KithKanan

    @Mnemosyne: It’s $15K now (went up this year as an inflation adjustment). It’s also per-person, so a married couple can give $30K/year to any one person (I suppose this logically means a married couple could give a total of $60K/year to a couple as long as they divided it correctly, but I don’t know that for sure).

  97. 97.

    debit

    @opiejeanne: It’s standard. If the money hasn’t “cooked” in their actual account, then the underwriter has to have proof as to where it came from, that it’s from a legit source. Remember, the underwriter is looking for a reason to say no. Give him the statement.

  101. 101.

    Ruckus

    @schrodingers_cat:
    @Mnemosyne:
    I should have remembered.
    When my parents gave me the business they could only gift me so much stock every year or it would have been taxable. Because it was owned by them together I could receive whatever the amount was back then from each of them.
    Sorry on the timing here facetime with an old friend.

  102. 102.

    Gvg

    @opiejeanne: 10 years ago my parents had to sign a statement that it was a gift I didn’t have to repay. That wasn’t FHA though. Don’t recall any requirements for their bank statements. 20 years ago I had a fha loan that the bank had been fudging on following some new rule about water source certifications and after closing they wanted extra paper work because they had screwed up. My realtor told me it was their problem but if I didn’t mind I could supply it. Apparently the fha ran out of patience and started insisting on the “new” year old rule actually be followed. 2 years ago my sister got really mad about the mortgage paperwork saying she had to provide further info if requested for the next year….made them change it to 30 days or different lender. Same lender as prior mortgage but for some reason nosier contract.

  103. 103.

    Mayim

    @MomSense:

    Likely a dead thread…. but yes to this.
    PortFiber is great, and fiber cooperatives are an excellent way to help women achieve economic self-sufficiency.

  104. 104.

    opiejeanne

    @debit: It hasn’t ever been in their account. We gave them a cashier’s check accompanied by a letter signed by our CU’s teller? Clerk? I don’t know what his title is but he’s a good guy and was a good sport about it when we came back to get the extra paperwork. I think it’s the stupid mortgage company that’s being a pain, and they’re blaming FHA for this nonsense. I gave them the requested further paperwork, the statement including the bank’s stamp, which is just a set of block letters: BECU. Heh. They insisted on that stamp without knowing what it is. I wanted to redact every cash amount except for the pertinent info. It says on the statement that the money is from Edward Jones and I expect to get a message tomorrow that they don’t know who that is and would we please explain.

  105. 105.

    frosty

    @Ruckus: @opiejeanne:

    Pretty much anytime the signatory is borrowing something for the downpayment there is extensive paperwork required from the person lending the signatory the money.

    Hmmm. That must be why we described the money we borrowed from our parents as a “Gift” even though it was a loan. IIRC, it was quite a while ago.

  106. 106.

    opiejeanne

    @frosty: The gift letter we had to sign threatened us with a fine of up to $10k if they found out it’s a loan.
    I get the impression that it’s gotten nasty in recent years, probably because of the crash in 2007-8.

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