“You have much to learn about the ways of The Force, my young Padawan.” pic.twitter.com/ixC8vLWNeY
— Betty Cracker (@bettycrackerfl) May 23, 2018
When our daughter was zero to one year and eleven months old, my husband and I deluded ourselves into thinking we had a rare infant/toddler who consistently behaved in public. We pitied other parents we saw in restaurants, grocery stores, etc., when their little monsters had embarrassing public meltdowns. When that happened, my husband and I exchanged knowing glances and smiled smug little smiles.
I remember the exact moment we were disabused of our delusion. We were in a family pizza-spaghetti joint with our daughter, who had recently turned two. She was in a high chair, and instead of quietly munching the Captain’s Wafer crackers I offered to placate her until the food arrived, she pounded them into dust on the tray and distributed the crumbs in a six-foot radius of our table. She issued piercing shrieks and repeatedly threw her sippy cup.
We hastily finished our meals and departed, leaving an enormous tip and resigning ourselves to Chuck E. Cheese for the next few years. The one near us sold beer. I bet they sell A LOT of fucking beer.
Anyhoo, I experienced a similar phenomenon with the pup today. I’ve supervised Badger’s training from the mudroom/home office, gating the two of us off so poor old Daisy can get some peace and quiet and I can closely observe the little critter to hasten the house-training project. He’s doing well on that front!
But my job requires occasional phone conferences too. In the three weeks we’ve had Badger, he’s been an absolute ANGEL during these calls, sleeping sweetly at my feet. That lulled me into thinking he was just a great phone conference puppy! Not so, as it turns out.
Thank God for the fucking mute button, because today, Badger was a raging brat during a call. He’s not much of a barker, but he was running in circles growling and barking. He tore one of the ears off my piggy slippers:
As I extracted the ear from his mouth, he sank his sharp little teeth into my thumb. I happened to be speaking on the call when that happened, and listeners may have noticed that my voice rose an octave or two, but otherwise, I held it together.
I tried plying the little shit with dog training treats, which had the exact opposite of the intended effect, as any fool could have predicted; it reinforced his bad behavior, so he stood on the floor with his paws on my knee, barking as I handed him treat after treat.
The experience was almost as harrowing as when I had to climb into one of those human Habitrails at Chuck E. Cheese to extract my daughter, who refused to come out because another kid had peed and then disrobed. I’m getting too old for this shit.
We have two days until my bride retires and negotiating noise and activities while I am working are going to be fun. The us have both gotten so deaf that its rare that they even bark at the UPS truck but the lady is pretty noisy. Like oh well.
Badger can do no wrong!
I love my dog — but I especially love that she is no longer a puppy.
I’ll take Badger over Trump any day of the week. Because, Badger will eventually grow up.
I think we need to have a bird or pet thread up at all times. I don’t want to hear about Trump all day.
Thanks for the laugh. Much needed. Getting too old for this…INDEED!
@Elizabelle: You may want to NOT bring it up. . . just sayin.
Betty, you are one brave woman!
You are giving me flashbacks of my “middle” Boston Terrier and his training regimen.
Recently bought my first motorbike in 20 years, partially inspired by Betty’s posts about hers. Really enjoying being on two wheels again.
Major Major Major Major
Oh no. Bad Badger!
Staying home today with some stomach issues. Just sent off a doozy of a coding challenge for tomorrow’s job interview. Back to actual work! j/k I’ll be on this thread too
In addition to the pups and kitties (and ducks and chickens, but they’re outside), we have parakeets and zebra finches. Our farmhouse is small and there’s no place to put them except in what passes for my home office (I telecommute). The sound of a conference call sends the birds into fits and they shriek and squawk the whole time. I just ask the other callers to imagine that I’m calling from a seaside palapa in Mexico and make liberal use of Mute when I’m not talking.
Our first daughter was an angel always. We thought it was our superior parenting, and we looked down on those parents with disruptive children. Then we had our second daughter, who came straight from the gates of hell. PITA from day one.
I want to go ‘ Bad Badger’, but your slipper looks so cute without the ear.
@Elizabelle: Here’s a bird video…
In the old days Badger could easily have been spanked for getting out of line. Now days, you could get arrested for it. I kind of think how dogs handle the pecking order themselves is good enough for me. But I don’t actually hurt a critter. Just enough to make them think.
@Major Major Major Major: Are you still thinking of moving to NYC? If you do, we should have another local meet up!
J.A.F. Rusty Shackleford
@dlwchico: I can’t see the name Badger and not think of this scene.
Heh. Rocco went through angel/devil phases and there was never forewarning prior to the switch being thrown. Potty accidents, no, naughty incidents, yes. A huntin’ dog we weren’t surprised that he stole things–he was doing his retrieving job and it was especially hilarious during his tiny phase when he’d trot past with a shoe or boot in his mouth as large as him, held “just so.”
But the eating of the clothing became a much unwanted and Very Expen$ive extended period. I lost a lot of very nice wool items, including a couple that never made it to their first washing. I thought he was a goner the night he ate the zipper out of the spouse’s leather boot. The zipper reappeared in the backyard the next day; you all know what I mean.
So anyway, Badger is going through vastly compressed childhood “phases” so lots of luck! Hopefully you both survive.
@JPL: Wow. The fox kit looks so cute. Little black boots.
Major Major Major Major
@RedDirtGirl: Yep! Only interviewing at NYC and full-time remote places, and for sure!
Lady Cracker understands that, from certain perspectives, misbehaving is a hell of a lot of fun, right?
I think this is a passing phase with Badger. Looks like the older Yoda dog is providing a good example, and will teach it to sleep and drool, like a good Cracker dog should.
@Mart: My experience exactly. The second child is meant to humble you.
@Elizabelle: He’s fine, but he was determined to keep that rabbit.
My mutt brought me peter the cottontail one time, and fortunately there were no hawks around.
@Major Major Major Major: Wow! That’s excellent,
Do. not. congratulate.
I’m glad to hear someone else is having puppy issues. The last 10 days with Scout have been harrowing. She seems to have found her belligerent, bratty side on the day she turned six months. She had me lulled into complacency, the little devil.
VERY common comment from two-kid couples: “If we’d had the second one first he/she’d be an only child.”
BTW, pic of mutilated piggy slipper is horrifying. Not sure fit for an almost top 10,000 family blog. Might corrupt all the young dogs around the country, who are probably following Cracker Badger posts for tips on how to commit deviltry and mayhem
@Mart: @Josie: @trollhattan: This is going to sound cold hearted — but in my circle we call a well-behaved, perfect angel first child “a starter baby” because it convinces you to have a second (usually slightly demonic) child.
@Butch: Were you the one reporting finding a pair of abandoned kittens along the roadside whilst en route to buy tomatoes? I was going to suggest (granted, that thread was long dead when I read about them) that you name them after brands of tomato plant – if gender appropriate. Although doesn’t exactly comport with what I remember you reported about your other pet names.
@TaMara (HFG): First they get you attached, then they show their true colors.
It’s an open thread, so:
I can’t link, but there is a piece from the Washington Post saying that a significant number of midshipmen will not disrespect Trump at their graduation, but will not show him any accolades either.
Written by a professor there who said that they have written him to his personal email address from their personal addresses.
Popcorn! if this happens.
Eric, or Don Jr?
Mingobat (f/k/a Karen in GA)
@JustRuss: Congratulations! I’ve resolved to ride mine more. So much fun.
I had this idea that I wanted a puppy — Iggy and Muppet were adults when I got them, and I always wondered what they were like when they were tiny, so I wanted to get a dog I could raise from very young.
Thanks for this post, Betty — you’ve saved me from months of frustration.
Betty Cracker @ Top:
Your daughter met Donald Trump in a Chuck E. Cheese habitrail?
I feel lucky that Watson has (so far) resisted the siren song singing “EEEAAAAT MEEEEEE” that Luna has assured me she could hear burbling at all w21“DX ve from my socks, shoes, underwear, and books.
BTW, the above typo string comes from Watson dashing in and jumping on the keyboard. So there’s that. We all have our crosses to bear…lol!
I love how dogs absorb the training we give them and turn it into commands they give to us.
1st week, Me: “When I say ‘sit down,’ that is the command for you to sit. If you obey, I’ll give you a treat.”
2nd week, Dog: “When I sit down, that is the command for you to “give me a treat.”
He has done this with almost everything we’ve taught him.
But Badger is so Cu-ute!
Our yellow lab pup Spanky was a toothy little guy. He had been crated a lot during a particular day just before Christmas many years ago and when my husband and I decided to go out for dinner, I said, like an idiot, “I can’t put him back into his crate. He’s been in here all day. He’ll be good.” sigh.
We came home to find the Endtimes. He had pulled down the Christmas tree, dragging strings of lights into the next room. Ornaments were smashed, lights broken, and the water reservoir under the tree soaked the carpet. And pine tar…ugh. He attacked a non-seasonal stuffed rabbit which wore a dress and straw hat (don’t judge, it was a folk art decoration) and chewed her hat into bits, as well as both her ears. And he turned over the trash can in the kitchen, just to add the finishing touch to the downstairs decor.
He was nowhere to be found, but eventually we discovered him shivering under a table in the den. He knew he was in a fuckton of trouble. I honestly thought my husband was going to take him to the shelter. But we cleaned everything up, called him Bad Dog! for three days, and eventually forgave him.
Puppies. It’s what they do.
@Miss Bianca: I love love the name Watson. Pictures please?
That pig ear is nothing. Lovey ate three pairs of my glasses within about a one month period. Yes, three. And not cheap cheaters either. Prescriptions. Two were obtained new during that month after each preceding pair was eaten. One pair was bifocals. Thought I must admit I didn’t mourn the bifocals much because I hated them and could and will never get used to them. And I don’t really need them as I don’t have trouble with near sightedness, regardless of what my optician says. But at the time, they were my last pair of prescription glasses that had the right prescription and weren’t sunglasses. I ended up wearing my sunglasses for everything, day and night, until the new ones came in. And have never left my glasses anywhere it is even slightly possible that Lovey could get to them. Of course, she’s way beyond that chewing stage, but she is not to be trusted.
Le Comte de Monte Cristo, fka Edmund Dantes
Our AC died last week, so we had been limping with a whole house fan and limited open windows (the whole house fan decided to take a shit Sunday, to add insult to misery). We have casement windows with interior screens, and most screens had been taken down by the prior owners over 20 yrs ago for the purpose of the views. I located enough interior screens to make the house sort of habitable with ceiling fans and stand fans while we argue over both the temporary and permanent solution (we now think we’ll do a $2500 repair to tide us over while we argue about heat pump, split gas or geothermal, and what quality level to select – I’ll probably wind up in the couch for a bit).
Not all of the screens are in the best shape, and I’ve got the loose parts up top so that our cat and our oldest daughter’s cat (we’re cat sitting) don’t find it easy to escape.
Yesterday, I met the HVAC consultant for sales info. Shortly after he left, I sat down to sulk over a set of prices ranging from 12K to 21K. All of a sudden, I noticed our cat (male) pounce on our gaming card table in the front window and heard the godawful squeal of a bird. I screamed “NO!!!!” at top lung, and he dropped the bird and split for the back of the house, daughter’s cat froze in her tracks next to the table and the bird (juvenile sparrow which had squirted in through a narrow space at the top of a screen) flew to the bookshelf. Happily, the bird made it into a little flower sconce which I was able to cover and carry outside. He flew off OK, and did not turn into a little pile of feathers on the living room floor.
The cat was pretty salty for hours, angry with me for taking his prize.
@JustRuss: Excellent — what kind did you get? Haven’t been able to ride for many days because it’s been so rainy, but the sun is out for the moment. May cruise down to the beach shortly!
Hey, I wasn’t able to catch you in the thread where you made your garden offer, but if you have a little corner for some marigolds in honor of my mom, that would be grand. ?
Did it ever occur to you that Badger was trying desperately to warn you that there was a deadly python-black mambo-cobra something hiding in your
bunnypiggy slipper…… or thought there was? Huh!
Thank you all for the tales of destructive pets. Helps to know one is not alone!
@glory b: I saw that too. They say they won’t clap for him. I hope they succeed and aren’t pressured or disciplined.
@Le Comte de Monte Cristo, fka Edmund Dantes:
You should have given him praise and a substitute treat. They’ll still hunt, but they’ll be more likely to bring their prey to you when it’s still able to be saved.
@Mnemosyne: Oh that’s perfect. When I was little, in the spring when my mom worked in the garden, she would show me how to plant, and give me the marigolds seeds to plant. To this day I think of her and marigolds. I’ll plant a patch down by the river for your mom.
LOLOLOL Betty – I LOVE these tales …
@Betty Cracker: I walked into the house one time and noticed two hunks out of my oriental.
A friend was with me, and after shock and awe I said Help me turn this around to hide the destroyed edge under the sofa before the hubby comes home. He gave me the rug when we split up.
Sir Tristan lulled us with his incredibly cute 3 week old kitten self, and then in his first year he had:
–locked himself in the bathroom with a privacy bolt
–opened Mr WereBear’s pillbox and chewed up a pill Mr WereBear had to put back together with tiny tweezers and a magnifying glass to make sure he hadn’t eaten any (he hadn’t)
–forced a replacement nightstand because he would tip it over hanging over it like a vulture
–forced a replacement reading light because he would use the brass pull like a speedbag and it had a glass shade
–killed my elderly laptop with a glass of wine (I kept it on a shelf over my head, but he jumped into my lap as I was trying to drink it)
And we still kept him.
@Betty Cracker: We’re having the driest May I’ve seen in years, so yay for that. I picked up a ’03 Suzuki SV 650, fairly small and light, but enough power for highway cruising.
@LAO: I used to call certain angelic baby-toddlers ‘dangerous children’ because they inspired others to have one for themselves. Results varied. And original angel child morphed.
Saw two Stanley Kubrick movies on a big screen, Monday and Tuesday nights. Monday was The Shining — had seen it before; this time I noticed the incredible sounds; Ray Charles would have been scared by that movie.
Last night was first time ever for Full Metal Jacket, which has stayed with me. Had no idea Vincent d’Onofrio was in it (just knew him from Men in Black and Law & Order) — he was so good, but so were all the actors. Very affecting. Whole film shot in England.
Dr. Strangelove was not in this film series, but I’d love to see that one on a big screen too, one of these days.
@Josie: Our first daughter pretty much broke our spirits, so the second – at least from our perspective – was a breeze.
@Josie: With us it was the third. If she’d been the first, she’d have been the last.
@Elizabelle: Those are all favorites of mine.
Years from now you’ll look back at this and
laughdrink some more.
@Aleta: I’ll have to figure out how to upload some photos onto one of those online sites…then I can just send a link! He’s so big compared to a month ago!
@Elizabelle: A few weeks ago I was staying with friends and someone mentioned a scene in Dr. Strangelove. Host had a new big screen TV, so he wanted to watch it. It was just great. Three of us had seen it years ago, and we each remembered a different ending. (And the scene my friend remembered wasn’t in it at all. This drove him nuts. Later I located that scene for him in another movie entirely.)
@Miss Bianca: I keep meaning to figure it out too. Would love to see Watson photos.
“Wait Until Dark”
@JustRuss: We are both on a Suzuki then! (Savage S40 for me.) Have fun! [downward peace sign motorcycle wave]
@trollhattan: Our first child was normal except that he behaved well in public, the second child was a sweet thing and skipped the Terrible Twos and the Snotty Sixes/Sevens.
Our third refused to come out and had to be evicted 3 1/2 weeks late (induced), and when she did arrive she was ready for a fight.
They all three turned out to be good people, which is a good thing. Never in any serious trouble for anything while they were growing up. I think the middle one threw a rock at a neighbor’s dog when she was four, never stole stuff or got arrested for drunk driving when they were teens (like kids we knew). or maybe it was the youngest. They’re all middle-aged now so I don’t remember their “sins” very well.
@Gravenstone: What? Early Girl? Better Boy? Super Fantastic? Boxcar Willie? I know, Mortgage LIfter!
Might give Thumbsnap a try. Easy peasy.
@NotMax: ooh…will do! Thanks!
Never saw your reaction to A Clockwork Orange. How did you like that?
Love that photo of Baxter and Daisy. Baxter looks all, “See! My paws stretch out just as far as Daisy’s! I am TOO a big dog!”
Badger’s such a perfect, portable little size.
No eagle gonna cart him off, though.
@Steeplejack (phone): I was not shocked by anything. But could see how much Kubrick pushed the envelope, at the time. Art direction was amazing; some terrific locations. Could not figure out why his mother seemed 20 years older than his father (and way old to be the parent of a teenager; strange casting). Ending was a bit cynical (I’ve heard book ended differently …) Did not think movie seemed dated, and very much liked the entrance hall to Alex’s apartment building.
I would like to see it again. Have become quite the Kubrick fan.
@donnah: Oh, that reminds me of the time I was moving out from my apartment in Crested Butte, and I was shuttling back and forth over mountain passes with Stella and baby Luna in the car. Finally, everything is out, everything is clean, brand-new carpet in the living room has been freshly installed by the landlords…and I decide to celebrate by going out to dinner. Decided, in the arrogance of sheer stupidity, that the dogs had been in the car long enough, so let them into the empty apartment, reasoning that there was nothing they could get into, right?
WRONG. Came back to discover a perfect, 50-cent-piece size chunk of carpet had been worried out of the middle of the floor. And the carpet had been a remnant, so no replacement pieces available…
Lost my whole security deposit over that one. Most expensive dinner out I ever had!
@Major Major Major Major: Although I am now an ex-pat I grew up in the Big Apple and visit often. If you want any thoughts about it get my email addy from a front pager and I’ll send them along.
OMG–Squee! I can’t help it — He’s just too adorable, really. Funny story. Thanks for the lift. Take care of that thumb.
My solution for conference calls at home – peanut butter smeared on the bottom of the dog bowl.
Badger is full of cute and awesome.
And because I love you all, the lovely Bidai (Send off for a bride from her parental home after the wedding) number from Raazi.
Alia Bhatt’s character, the blushing bride is an Indian spy being married into a prominent military family before the 1971 hostilities.
I just love Alia’s pink saree with lovely Kashmiri embroidery.
Have you seen Lolita? One of James Mason’s greatest performances, and that’s saying something.
Bless you Betty! We were publicly shamed earlier this week because we were “not controlling our dog” when we brought her to our local bar. We were pleased that OUR little Daisy was actually being friendly with strangers instead of growling and running away.
Badger is a Radger …….. you must share with us your entire ensemble that is the “dress for success” look when in the Cracker Executive Suite. :)
@zhena gogolia: Yes! Loved it! James Mason was fantastic. And it was so bleakly funny.
Have not seen most of James Mason’s movies, so there’s someone else I need to dive into. Class act.
PS: I love the blackboard with Badger’s accident record. LOL.
Wow, my new rabbit that only pees *next* to the litter box doesn’t sound so bad. Did I mention he drinks 2-3 quarts a day? I’m going through a lot of paper towels.
@zhena gogolia: Peter Sellers dancing with ? — I will never forget the scene and their dance of cool. (Though I forgot the actress.) Oh, and Shelley Winters. That film really opened my eyes to her.
My Sophie is nine, and I still tell people that I’m looking for the off switch. Destructive: glasses, remotes, library books (not my own books, of course, books I had to sheepishly return to pay for). Of course clothing and shoes. All types of paper, and the one that I really don’t understand, aluminum foil. If I leave the house for five minutes, she goes in the crate (with plenty of crate treats: Cheetos.)
You have some treats in store with Mason (start with Odd Man Out). Lolita is also probably Shelley Winters’s best performance. Opinions are mixed about Peter Sellers, but I love him as Quilty.
Wikipedia says Marianne Stone. Never heard of her, but yes, she is striking. Of course Vivian Darkbloom is supposed to be Nabokov (anagram), but who cares . . . .
@zhena gogolia: The casting in Lolita was wonderful. But Mason steals the show.
Have seen it three times, I think. First time I rather liked Peter Sellers; next two times I found him kind of aggravating. But then you notice Shelley Winters all the more.
Badger must be feeling relaxed and confident in his new home for him to start throwing his weight around!-;)
Finn (9 month old springer spaniel) is turning my walking shoes into slippers, but the worst is I just came home from knee replacement and he jumped into my lap. Nerve block still working so knee was fine. As I gave him a hug he flung his head back and clocked me in the temple with the pointy part of his skull. What a bruise!
And when I can’t give him exercise he licks my face and paws my remote or iPad.
Enjoying the little oxy I am allowing myself, really working on pain, have to say, but it makes my skin crawl if I take it for long.
@Miss Bianca: hahahaha!
One Christmas my Chow pup ate a large gift box full of Godiva chocolates. The next day, before coming down from his euphoria, he chewed the entire arm off the sofa, wood, stuffing, and all. I opened the front door and mimed Edvard Munch’s “The Scream.” I made a grab for him but he escaped and hid under the house for four hours, his short life flashing before his eyes.
But that’s nothing, really, compared to my friend who came home to find her Saint Bernard had yanked the window sill off the wall and was using it for a giant toothpick.
@Gravenstone: Sorry I didn’t check back in after I posted – their tentative names are Shadow for the little grey kitty and Boxer for the little buttermilk guy. Boxer is very, very shy and we’re having to work with him to get him to accept us, but he’s coming along quickly. Last night they were introduced to toys. It was a little heartbreaking to realize it was the first time they were secure enough to actually play.
THANKS so much for the great report that had me laughing out loud Betty! I have a puppy arriving “this summer” (when I move up on the litter/puppy list). What a great post and it made my day. We need laughter so much in these uncertain times!