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Only Democrats have agency, apparently.

Within six months Twitter will be fully self-driving.

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The willow is too close to the house.

Our job is not to persuade republicans but to defeat them.

Since when do we limit our critiques to things we could do better ourselves?

After roe, women are no longer free.

Nancy smash is sick of your bullshit.

That’s my take and I am available for criticism at this time.

I see no possible difficulties whatsoever with this fool-proof plan.

Americans barely caring about Afghanistan is so last month.

The truth is, these are not very bright guys, and things got out of hand.

They fucked up the fucking up of the fuckup!

Prediction: the GOP will rethink its strategy of boycotting future committees.

“Jesus paying for the sins of everyone is an insult to those who paid for their own sins.”

Not all heroes wear capes.

Sadly, there is no cure for stupid.

“More of this”, i said to the dog.

Infrastructure week. at last.

A dilettante blog from the great progressive state of West Virginia.

It’s the corruption, stupid.

Reality always lies in wait for … Democrats.

You don’t get rid of your umbrella while it’s still raining.

Schmidt just says fuck it, opens a tea shop.

You are here: Home / Today in Arguments With a Crazy Woman

Today in Arguments With a Crazy Woman

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My mother and I are currently engaged in a heated (not really, because she is wrong and crazy) dispute. A new restaurant opened up in the big city of Wellsburg called Dovetail Fire & Ale. It’s located where several other restaurants have been, but I think this one will last. I had delicious fish tacos for lunch today (I added the strips of jalapeno because well I don’t have to justify myself to you people):

But I digress. The other day, somehow the new restaurant came up in a conversation with my mom that mercifully did not include any discussion of the Pittsburgh Pirates, and she asked where it was and neither of us could remember the name of the two previous restaurants (which could explain why they went out of business), and I said “Oh you know where it is, it’s right next to Joyce’s.” Joyce, fyi, is the barber (barberess? She’s not a hairdresser because she doesn’t do women’s hair never mind this does not matter) I have been going to for the past decade.

My mother then stated- “That’s not right next door, it’s down the street.” I responded “whatever, it’s right next to it, like fifty yards away” and she said “It’s half a block a way it’s not right next to it.” Reminder, we are talking about Wellsburg city blocks, not NYC blocks.

This dispute has been going on for three days, and is now to the point that dad felt the need to chime in and inform me that my mother is right, the new restaurant is “down the street.” Dad is not a neutral subject on this because he thinks I am wrong about everything and he has a close relationship with one of the parties in the dispute.

I now provide you with visual evidence:

The arrow represents the barbershop. I am standing right in front of the restaurant, marked with an X.

Google maps:

The top right X is the barbershop, the bottom left X the restaurant. I have included the scale so you can see that that the distance between the two is smaller even than the stakes in this argument. I can walk this in the middle of August without even saying to myself “dammit it’s hot I hate August.” I can throw a football that far with a reconstructed shoulder. Actually I can’t, but your average college kid could.

Clearly, the restaurant is right next to the barbershop.

The defense rests.

Reader Interactions

204Comments

  5. 5.

    pat

    Ah Cole, thanks for the chuckle!
    What would we do without you and your blog? And your mom and dad, of course.

  9. 9.

    satby

    I hate to disagree, but that’s a textbook case of “down the street”. Action Images is next door.

    And I bet you know that and are just enjoying some shit stirring.

  12. 12.

    nwerner

    Ferrealz? Gotta ban test so I can be assured this won’t disrupt my quarterly posting schedule.

    Someone who lives across the street may be your neighbor, but they are not your “next door” neighbor.

  15. 15.

    Mai Naem mobile

    Sorry dude your moms right. Honestly though if this is the biggest issue you have with your mom you have a great relationship with your mom.

  21. 21.

    NotMax

    Give it up. Mom’s right, you’re mistaken.

    And the willow is too close to both places.

  22. 22.

    TenguPhule

    It’s located where several other restaurants have been, but I think this one will last.

    JFC, John, do you hate the owners of that eatery so much that you’d condemn them with the ogre’s sloppy kiss of death? Never predict anything good, because disaster always always always follows in your giant footsteps. //

  23. 23.

    fnook

    The top arrow looks like a giant middle finger. Which is awesome. Sorry if someone else has pointed this out in the 14 previous comments.

  36. 36.

    RSA

    @nwerner: The first answer is the correct answer.

    I think Cole and his mom are both… less right than nwerner’s “across the street”.

  40. 40.

    realbtl

    “Right next to it” means somewhere with about 1/8 mi. either way. At least here in Montana.

  42. 42.

    Mnemosyne

    @Mai Naem mobile:

    It’s regional. Some places say “kitty corner,” while others say “katty corner,” but of course those latter people are bad and wrong. ?

  44. 44.

    NotMax

    “Next door” and “a few doors down” are not the same thing. In this case, it’s “a few doors down and across the street from the restaurant.”

  49. 49.

    NotMax

    And here I thought formal WV usage was “It’s spittin’ distance from the restaurant.”

    :)

  52. 52.

    The Dangerman

    Sorry, your Mother is right (and on a winning streak; see: comma).

    And that’s not a fish taco; THIS is a fish taco.

  53. 53.

    But her emails!!!

    It’s down the street, but at least you were right about adding the jalepeno strips to the tacos.

  56. 56.

    Jay Noble

    I’ve had the same kind of arguments with my Mom. I’ve also expanded to include older residents in town who will swear to the next door thing to the extent I’m planning to put out an historical business district directory. :-)

  57. 57.

    Garbo

    I contend that “right next to” is short for “right next door to,” thus you would have to be the next door after to qualify.

  61. 61.

    joel hanes

    sidestepping the argument with mom

    Those are some fine-looking fish tacos.
    Personally, I’d rather have the canned Herdez jalapenos with the carrot slices than fresh,
    and maybe a couple drops of the green El Yucateco habanero sauce for heat,
    but de gustibus.

  62. 62.

    Steeplejack

    @RSA:

    I take “across the street” to mean right across the street—facing or adjacent to facing. Not a block away (no matter how short the blocks).

  63. 63.

    Bobby Thomson

    “Right next to” means literally next to and nothing else. It’s not a synonym for “near.”

  65. 65.

    swiftfox

    Fish tacos: yuck. Fish does not do well whether it’s a taco, burrito, or enchilada.

  68. 68.

    The Dangerman

    Ah, crap, no edit function yet.

    “Next door” is “spitting distance” (“pissing distance” if in a unisex setting).

    This looks more like a “stones throw”.

  72. 72.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @Mart:

    it’s clearly katy corner.

    There’s no such thing as “katy corner.” The correct term is “kitty corner,” which is known to every right-minded person.

    What the fuck kind of ignorant trolls are we allowing to comment on this blog now?

    Edit: Posted before seeing your discussion with Mai Naem above. I take back the “troll.”

  75. 75.

    Ruviana

    Down the street. I’d like to see a close-up of that building on the corner. You know, the one that’s really next door to the restaurant.

  78. 78.

    Josie

    @The Dangerman: I am disappoint. The link does not show a real fish taco.

    John Cole: Your Mom is right. Actually, Moms are always right. You should know that by now.

  79. 79.

    p.a.

    This is symptomatic of something deeper. I don’t know what. Neither do I care.

    p.s. It’s not next door. I believe ‘next’ is the tell.
    coming immediately after the present one in order, rank, or space.

  81. 81.

    juju

    What goes in a fish taco, other than the obvious fish? Is that Cole slaw? I ask because I honestly don’t know. I can’t even touch fish of almost any type.

  83. 83.

    Mnemosyne

    @swiftfox:

    I am not a fan of fish in general, but fish tacos are a classic in Mexico and there are a ton of places to get them in So Cal. The breading seems to help.

  85. 85.

    Mary G

    Actually, it could be argued that you’re both right. The 50 yards seems pretty accurate, and according to my tablet’s maps, it’s a very short block.

  86. 86.

    TaMara (HFG)

    I’m not even going to try and join in this debate. I will say, though, I made some awesome Jalapeno relish this week and will post a recipe soon-ish.

  94. 94.

    Honus

    It’s down the street. And I was walking around Wellsburg before you were born. Ask Gary Kappel.

  101. 101.

    Mel

    Sorry, Cole.

    Where I come from, that would be, “a little ways down and jus’ across the street from”.

  102. 102.

    chris

    @Doug R: I remember that! Walking down Robson while on a family visit in 2008 and there they were, kitty corner to each other. I couldn’t believe they were that popular and I guess one wasn’t.

  106. 106.

    Gin & Tonic

    @joel hanes: One time we stopped at the New Haven taco trucks and my wife loaded up on a condiment that she thought was pickled red onions with strips of carrot. The purple stuff was onions, all right, but the orange stuff was habanero slices.

    She won’t make that mistake again.

    Oh, and the restaurant is not next to the barber.

  107. 107.

    The Dangerman

    @Josie:

    The link does not show a real fish taco.

    $%#^; it was a live link 2 minutes ago. Or just a skoshe ago (is skoshe time as well as distance?).

    Here’s a link (live, I hope) to the best fish tacos in my neighborhood (Olde Port)

  110. 110.

    Joyce Harmon

    Right next to means the building to either side of the restaurant with no intervening buildings. If the restaurant’s address is 140 Umptyscratch Street, then 138 and 142 Umptyscratch Street are right next to the restaurant – and no others.

  115. 115.

    Mel

    I stand corrected. 84 year old relative perused rhe photo and said that it is “a little ways down and then just a hop across the street from…”

    Then again, we used to get directions that were based on who had a red dog in the yard, who would be out on their front porch at 6 pm, and the “old house by the creek, next to thevspit where the church used to be before it caught fire in ‘01”.

    Referencing 1901, not 2001.

    I ❤️ GPS like it was a pint of triple fudge ice cream with peanut butter swirl.

  118. 118.

    NotMax

    Sitting here picking little sticky nubs from the clothing in the checked-in suitcase which TSA opened. Guy at the special candy store I go to when in NY gave me a complimentary little package of Cracker Jack, which the TSA apparently opened and shook out over everything, then covered over the contents with my rain jacket.

    Luckily, 90% of the clothes were in the other, carry-on bag.

  121. 121.

    southend

    My parents have been having the same kind of arguments since I can remember. Only with each other. The simplest attempt at conversation ends up in bickering/arguments. Otherwise, their white-picket-fence Rockwell Murricans. An exact cross between Ozzie and Harriet and the Costanzas.

  123. 123.

    Aleta

    Some locals use next to roughly to mean near by, but you lost when you tried to force a win with right next to.

  131. 131.

    southend

    @mkd: “Crik” is a generic stream. “Creek” is attached to a specific name, i.e. “Cedar Creek” is a raging crik after it rains.

  139. 139.

    JustRuss

    How can it be right next to it when it’s across the frickin street? Raise the white flag Cole.

    Also, is Wellsburg like your Mount Pilot?

  142. 142.

    Kristine

    @mkd@Mart :

    much like a western pa gal’s choice of crik or creek when describing a small body of moving water

    I was born in Western NY. Left when I was 6, and I still say “crik.”

  143. 143.

    JustRuss

    @southend:

    An exact cross between Ozzie and Harriet and the Costanzas.

    Throw in an Eddie Haskell character and I’ll watch it.

  144. 144.

    Miss Bianca

    @swiftfox: Oh, no no no, I could not disagree more! Having had so many delicious variations on both fish tacos and burritos, they are my go-to if I can find ’em on the menu!

    Chacun a son gout, y’all…

  145. 145.

    NotMax

    @Steeplejack

    Ain’t big league, that’s fer shure.

    :)

    @Mel

    Still chuckle at Mom giving directions to someone over the phone many years ago. “Turn right three blocks before the stop sign.”

    @Joyce Harmon

    Passed by storefronts on a street in Mom’s town just the other day. Address of the store two doors down from the corner is 5 [X] Road. Address of the building next to it and closer to the corner is 1 [X] Road. Building abutting that and on the actual corner’s address is 3 [X] Road. Go figure.

    :)

  148. 148.

    Honus

    @NotMax: about twenty fathoms. I’m s old I’ve actually measured things with rods and chains in the hills near Wellsburg.

  151. 151.

    gsp

    “Down a bit”? But choosing between the two it’s down the street. You wrong…Again.

  152. 152.

    WaterGirl

    @NotMax: Total dick move. Assholes. I’m sure they’re having a great laugh. TSA, ICE – a bunch of hateful power-hungry people.

  154. 154.

    Fester Addams

    @Aleta:

    A couple doors down across the street.

    Am I wrong to think “a couple somethings” always means two of them? Mrs. Addams uses a couple to mean anywhere from two to four inclusive. Maybe more, I’m not sure.

  155. 155.

    Honus

    @Kristine: what about “holler” and “holla”? Barbarians across the river in Ohio say holler. In West Virginia we go up the hollas to buy whisky. Holler is how you tell people out in the field that supper’s ready.

    @Steeplejack: I think it’s actually Mount Pilot, after Pilot Mountain, NC.

  157. 157.

    trnc

    @nwerner:

    I think, by definition, something across the street cannot be next door.

    When you say across THE street, to which of the 2 streets between the barber and the restaurant are you referring?

    Based on the evidence presented, these businesses may actually be in different zip codes.

  160. 160.

    LongHairedWeirdo

    I hate to say it, but “right next to” really makes me think “they share a wall, or at least, like, a corner or a bit of storefront” and I’d even give you “right next to” if there were a few small stores/doors separating them. I’d only be able to agree with “right by” or “right around”.

    HOWEVER! Because your parents are not entirely wrong, you are far more likely to be right. After all, your parents made you, and you know darn well that two wrongs don’t make a right… so… um… was that defense as feeble as it sounds, now that it’s out of my “mouth”?

  161. 161.

    kindness

    John you can agree to disagree. It’s what, 3 stores down? Looks like it.

    Across the street and down a bit would have nailed it for you but you are trying to be too specific.

  167. 167.

    waysel

    “They massacred the buffalo, kitty corner from the bank, the taxis run across my feet, and my eyes have turned to blanks” From ‘Pocahontas’ Neil Young.

  168. 168.

    Ruckus

    JC, at least your parents are still here to argue with. Of course I couldn’t argue with mom, she’d just keep repeating what she told you a minute ago until you shut the hell up. Never raised her voice, didn’t swear when working the game…. I once had a six month conversation with her about dating the daughter of a friend of hers. Of course I lived 2500 miles away at the time so even if everything else was good to go, there was a small problem of the drive to pick up this lady. I never got in the last word but I did cause the last word. When in town and visiting mom, after as I said six months had gone by, I walked in her door and the exact same words popped out of mom’s mouth. So I asked her “Does she fuck?” Without hesitation the answer came back, without looking up from her magazine, “Don’t know you’ll have to ask her yourself.” Do understand I was about 55 yrs old at the time, Mom was in her late 80s. Mom at least had a sense of humor.

  169. 169.

    kindness

    Hey I learned something though. I’ve used both kitty-cornered and katy-corner depending on what who I’m with uses. No big. But that link above to worldwidewords explained a link to the verb catar which is to move diagonally. Makes sense. I can see catar going to catty and then going to kitty cornered which is what I grew up with.

  171. 171.

    Ked

    I am fully willing to accept a definition of “next door” which is not, you know, literally next door. But across the street on the next block? No. That’s not even katty-corner.

  176. 176.

    Kristine

    @Honus: I don’t recall any place in the area in which I lived–Buffalo/Jamestown–that was called a holler. We always said ‘valley.’

    I do use cellar and basement interchangeably. That was enough for someone to peg me as from western NY. I guess that say cellar there.

  177. 177.

    Winston Churchitler

    HALF A BLOCK AWAY, NOT RIGHT NEXT TO IT.

    And I see what you did there – pull back the scale on that map and we could establish the length of one full block. It may even be more than one half block away, you monster.

  178. 178.

    Pyre Light

    It is impossible to be “right next to” anything when there is a intervening thing between the two

  179. 179.

    JanieM

    Great thread, my laugh of the week. Maybe month, or even…. In any case, thanks!

    The crik/creek, holler/holla, etc. reminds me of the word “roof” — pronounced to rhyme with “woof” in northeastern Ohio, where I grew up (not all that far from Buffalo/Jamestown as American distances go), and to rhyme with “spoof” in New England, where I’ve spent most of my adult life.

    Who’s right?

    On other matters, I’ve never even heard of “katy-cornered.” Learn something new (usually here) every day.

    :-)

  181. 181.

    JGabriel

    SiubhanDuinne:

    There’s no such thing as “katy corner.” The correct term is “kitty corner,” which is known to every right-minded person.

    It’s neither. You’re all wrong, Mwa-Ha-Ha-Ha!¹

    Wiktionary has it as cater-corner, where cater- is derived from either the French word quatre for four or from a N. Germanic cater- meaning crooked:

    Wikitionary Etymology:

    cater- +‎ corner, where cater- is of disputed origin. Liberman argues that this is a prefix meaning “crooked, angled, clumsy”, of North Germanic origin; compare cater-cousin. The verb cater (“move diagonally, place diagonally, cut diagonally”) is attested from 1577 (Liberman proposes this as a backformation from cater-), and in 19th century Lancashire dialect, cater-cornered refers both to stone blocks that are out of square, and people who walk twisted (with one side in front of the other), especially if partially paralyzed.[1] Further, awkward and clumsy are of Scandinavian origin, and Old Irish cittach (“left-handed, awkward”) is cognate to cater- words, also suggesting a Scandinavian origin.

    A commonly proposed etymology (proposed in the 19th century) derives cater, from French quatre (“four”) (hence “four corner” – at the opposite corner of a square), and similarly cater-cousin from “fourth cousin”, while Liberman rejects this as implausible – similar terms from French are simply calqued as “four corners” (as in “four corners of the world”, from French “les quatre coins du monde”), the English term cater (“four”) (from French) was primarily used in dice, the domestication of a specialized foreign term as an adverb for “across” seems implausible, there are many Germanic terms that appear to be cognates, and other terms with cater- are found in English dialects.

    [¹ For the record, I suppose I would have been just as wrong as everyone else, since I always thought it was “cat-a-corner”.]

  182. 182.

    sukabi

    Why has your mom not kicked your ass? Restaurant is clearly NOT next to your barber….AND you’re blogging about your lack of awareness.

    So why has she not kicked your ass?

  183. 183.

    NotMax

    @JanieM

    Ancient joke.

    A vaudeville act, playing fourth tier circuit theaters: Henry and his amazing talking dog. Henry gives his opening spiel, then asks the dog, “How does sandpaper feel?” and the dog says “rough.” Next question, “What’s on the top of a house?” The dog says “roof”. The audience is becoming irritated by now, and when Henry requests the dog “Name the best baseball player of all time” and the dog says “ruth,” they rush the stage and toss the act into the street.

    Whereupon the dog walks over to Henry and says, “Maybe I should have said Gehrig?”

  186. 186.

    ET

    John aren’t you old enough to know that mom is always right?

    What about stone’s throw as a descriptor?

  187. 187.

    NotMax

    @ET

    What about stone’s throw as a descriptor?

    It’s a given that Mr. Cole would dislocate a shoulder while throwing the stone.

    :)

  191. 191.

    Barney

    Mr. John “Humpty Dumpty” Cole knows that words mean what he wants them to mean. It’s just a question of who’s the master. In this case, “right” means both “vaguely” (near the barber’s) and “refusing to budge” (from his claim or correctness).

    Or “two rights make a wrong.”

  196. 196.

    Fraud Guy

    Not next door; not acroos the street; not even kitty-corner.

    Down the street from, or down the block from, would be acceptable substitutes.

  197. 197.

    raptusregaliter

    Holy shit Cole! Your mom is so right I’ve gotta wonder why you’re trolling her. “Next door” is short for “the next door down.” The barbershop is at least a couple doors down and across the fucking street! Quit trying to apply Trump logic and tell your mom she’s right. You are fail. All ur base are belong to us.

  198. 198.

    Svensker

    I think the restaurant is east, west, south and north somewhat of the barber shop. At least, that’s what I’ve heard.

  199. 199.

    SWMBO

    @sukabi: He hasn’t posted since the first few. She may have read the post, came through the back yard (near the willow) and kicked his ass by now.

  202. 202.

    Schlemazel

    @daize:
    listened to Pandora all day on my journey & they often ran a Culvers ad where the girl recommended getting a “SKEW-opp” of their custard. I broke down & paid for the subscription just so I never have to hear that ever again

  203. 203.

    Aleta

    @Fester Addams: From what I’ve heard said, it seems like it has two uses. One specific (a couple of eggs) and one with leeway (a couple of miles from here).

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