Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

You don’t get rid of your umbrella while it’s still raining.

Schmidt just says fuck it, opens a tea shop.

“Squeaker” McCarthy

I did not have this on my fuck 2022 bingo card.

“But what about the lurkers?”

Tick tock motherfuckers!

🎶 Those boots were made for mockin’ 🎵

Why did Dr. Oz lose? well, according to the exit polls, it’s because Fetterman won.

Russian mouthpiece, go fuck yourself.

fuckem (in honor of the late great efgoldman)

The cruelty is the point; the law be damned.

The party of Reagan has become the party of Putin.

JFC, are there no editors left at that goddamn rag?

I see no possible difficulties whatsoever with this fool-proof plan.

Pessimism assures that nothing of any importance will change.

I like you, you’re my kind of trouble.

My years-long effort to drive family and friends away has really paid off this year.

Meanwhile over at truth Social, the former president is busy confessing to crimes.

Conservatism: there are some people the law protects but does not bind and others who the law binds but does not protect.

Insiders who complain to politico: please report to the white house office of shut the fuck up.

I was promised a recession.

You don’t get to peddle hatred on saturday and offer condolences on sunday.

I really should read my own blog.

Yeah, with this crowd one never knows.

You are here: Home / Open Threads / A Challenge For The Jackals (Some Random Midday Entertainment)

A Challenge For The Jackals (Some Random Midday Entertainment)

by | 131 Comments

This post is in: 

So, I get email.

Today, I got this:

Dear sirs,

My name is XXXX, I am a journalist and I work in a quiz show for the Spanish television [show]….

Sorry to bother you, but I would greatly appreciate if you could please help me corroborate the following information about ISAAC NEWTON:

A TRUTH ABOUT ISAAC NEWTON

  1. HE PUBLISHED AN EROTIC NOVEL
  2. WHEN HE WAS YOUNG HE WAS A CARICATURE ARTIST
  3. DESCARTES WAS HIS TEACHER
  4. HE WAS A CONSUMMATE VIOLINIST
  5. HE HUNTED A FAMOUS CRIMINAL (WHEN HE WAS WARDEN OF THE MINT, HE CHASED WITHOUT A REST THE COUNTERFEITERS AND GAVE HUNT TO THE GREATEST COUNTERFEITER OF THE COUNTRY. TO DO THAT, HE DISGUISED HIMSELF, HAD THIEFS AS INFORMANTS AND VISITED THE WORST PARTS OF LONDON…
  6. HE GAVE LECTURES/CONFERENCES IN SPAIN

We think that the correct answer is HE HUNTED A FAMOUS CRIMINAL, but we need to verify it and also discard the other options, please.

…

The correct answer is, of course, number 5, somewhat toned down. (Newton didn’t prowl the mean streets of the capital in a funny hat and a fake mustache, for example.)

I’m guessing the violin is a crossed wire with Albert Einstein, and seeing as Descartes died when little Isaac was six, I think we can safely cross that one off.  Newton, famously the man who solved the problem of the tides and who lived on an island never even saw the sea,* so lectures in Spain are right out too. No idea where the caricature artist came from, but he was a fine draftsman and as a schoolboy he was known to have marked up the walls of his room with charcoal drawings of “birds, beasts, men, ships, and plants,” as noted by his definitive biographer, Richard Westfall.  Still, that’s not the description of a caricaturist.

But you know where I’m going with this.  Sir Isaac Newton, FRS, Warden, then Master of the Mint, and an occasional Member of Parliament, an erotic novelist?

One can but dream that there’s some manuscript hidden inside a wall somewhere to reveal the profane literary gifts of the man of whom it was said, “Nature and Nature’s Laws lay hid in Night:/God said, “Let Newton be!” and all was light.”**

Nah gonna happen. Among much else, Newton was a well-known prude, who once banished a friend from his circle forever for telling a rude joke about a nun.

But still, I can’t stop my lizard brain from going there.  If Isaac Newton had written an erotic tale, what would the title be?

Best I can come with is Gravity Does Dallas.

Do better, my fine jackle-ish friends.

Open thread, also too.

*Simon Schaffer’s line.

**Alexander Pope’s proposed epitaph.

Image: Pieter de Hooch,Man reading a letter to a woman, 1674-1676

Reader Interactions

131Comments

  4. 4.

    Hitlesswonder

    So…there is actually a Sir Isaac Newton detective novel in which he chases criminals while master of the mint…Dark Matter: The Private Life of Sir Isaac Newton by Philip Kerr [link]. I quite enjoyed it.

  8. 8.

    Ryan

    I don’t have a good title. But, I do know that Newton would have meant something different from Huxley when referring to Lenina as “pneumatic.”

  10. 10.

    Jerzy Russian

    F = m*a

    F could stand for “fuck”, m could stand for “my”. Having trouble finding something for the letter a.

  15. 15.

    scav

    Well, I’m clearly useless at the erotic because I got stuck on Shakespeare’s allusions to Light of Love, although at least they could manage bawdy.

    Though, there’s certainly underlying matter to work with . . . that apple falling . . . eve’s apple and satan’s fall . . . and what’s this kink about standing on giants? Universal Gravitation and Attraction of bodies, moving or otherwise, oh golly. Definitely a man for curves, or maybe that belongs in Kepler’s oeuvre. . .

    I’m just too rubbish at erotic and titles to do him justice.

  20. 20.

    trollhattan

    Newton as bluesman.

    “I got women droppin’ on me
    The whole day long
    Somebody please tell me
    Why these women all say I’m wrong”

    And, chorus

  21. 21.

    stinger

    It would be fun to watch that quiz show and see which of the distractors they kept — the one linking Newton to Spain, however falsely, for sure; probably the erotic novel as well. And maybe the violin one, to trick people who would vaguely recall that but would fail to remember it was Einstein.

  23. 23.

    Librarian

    Not only was Newton a prude, but he also was, and probably died, a virgin, as he told Voltaire when the Frenchman asked him about his sex life.

  25. 25.

    Noah Brand

    I’m imagining a novel about a very sexy lady, one who’s endowed by Nature and by Art with all of which concupiscence might dream, who spends the entire book leaving Sir Abraham Newman alone because she’s super scary and makes him uncomfortable.

  26. 26.

    Jacel

    About 25 years ago I was involved in creating a performance art piece weaving together Newton and English Country Dancing. The central conceit was that just after the apple struck Newton’s head, he saw country dancers on the green, bodies in motion relative to each other. It was the combination of the two impressions that informed Newton’s thoughts on physics. If there was any connection of Newton to the violin to be found, we would have grasped that straw eagerly for our performance, but I don’t recall any.

    However I found this later Isaac Newton (1775-1825) who was a lower-tier violin maker.

  32. 32.

    Mnemosyne

    Among much else, Newton was a well-known prude, who once banished a friend from his circle forever for telling a rude joke about a nun.

    Those are the ones you have to watch out for. There’s probably some unimaginably filthy taboo-busting BDSM novel he wrote that is either lost or was destroyed by his disgusted heirs.

  34. 34.

    Roger Moore

    Newton didn’t prowl the mean streets of the capital in a funny hat and a fake mustache, for example.

    No, but he did learn to disguise himself with latex prosthetics so he could hang out in low-class boozing dens and personally investigate coiners. It’s not quite as dramatic as the “gave hunt to the greatest counterfeiter in the country” might imply, but it’s quite a career change from the Lucasian Professorship.

  36. 36.

    Barbara

    @lamh36: I am telling you, it took me 30 seconds to find the following just by googling the string of names that had so far received pipe bombs:

    The New World Order globalist cabal has given marching orders to the American political class, top corporate officers and leadership throughout civil society to launch the next phase of CIVIL WAR 2.0.It’s the Rothschild international banking cartel that appears to be instigating this ever-intensifying civil war via foreign agents such as George Soros. Nevertheless, it is the likes of George Soros, Barack and Michelle Obama, Hillary and Bill Clinton, Joe Biden, Tim Kaine, John Podesta, John Brennan, James Clapper, Michael Hayden, James Comey, Rod Rosenstein, Robert Mueller, Loretta Lynch, Eric Holder, Andrew McCabe, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Tom Perez, Maxine Waters, Adam Schiff, Chuck Schumer, Kamala Harris and many other Democratic traitors who willingly carry water for the NWO cabal. Therefore, the single most effective initiative that President Trump can take to prevent civil war is to arrest George Soros.

    I read something about Kamala Harris as well, but I italicized those that have been definitely reported. Notice the last sentence — the best thing Trump could do right now is to arrest George Soros. These people are bananas. Dangerous bananas, but still bananas.

  38. 38.

    TomatoQueen

    Dear me. The Baroque Cycle is one thing but the alchemical mustn’t be forgotten as it was by most estimations of high importance to Newton, he having no reason at that point to scoff. And one thing you don’t really see Newton doing is scoff, or sneer–just not that kind of thinker. Loved N & the Counterfeiter, btw.

  39. 39.

    NotMax

    @trollhattan

    There once was a monk from Siberia
    Whose morals were somewhat inferior
    He done to a nun
    What he shouldn’t have done
    And now she’s a Mother Superior!

  48. 48.

    Mary G

    @dr. luba: Just started to type that! He’s an ungrateful bastard, isn’t he? They’ve put him up for years, shielded him from British, American, and Swedish governments. Then when they tell him to take care of his cat, he sues for “inhumane conditions.” Christ, it takes five minutes a day to scoop the poop; it’s not like they sentenced him to hard labor. The ambassador must be sick of him.

  52. 52.

    JGabriel

    Tom Levenson @ Top:

    But still, I can’t stop my lizard brain from going there. If Isaac Newton had written an erotic tale, what would the title be?

    Just off the top of my head:

    A Calculated Woman
    The Limit of Lust
    Gravity’s Dildo
    Fuck Leibniz

  53. 53.

    jl

    @lamh36: “Called it…reporting that the 7th package was addressed to Maxine Waters.”

    Media should not allow Trump and his flunkies to say whatever inflammatory stuff they want and then try to get off with “What the hell, who cares, we’re just saying shit to get a win”. Fox news needs to be called out too.

    RE Newton, he also tirelessly hunted down that shady character Leibnitz. /snark.
    And he also had lots of crazy ideas about alchemy and the ancient philosophers having some kind of secret knowledge and wasted lots of time trying to reconcile that with his discoveries. Though he was such a genius he could waste time like that and still be one of the greatest scientists and mathematicians in Western civ.

  55. 55.

    trollhattan

    @Mary G:
    If there’s a single takeaway from the many Assange interviews I’ve heard, it’s that he has a very, very high opinion of himself that he believes others should share, to a fault.

  56. 56.

    Roger Moore

    @Mary G:

    Christ, it takes five minutes a day to scoop the poop; it’s not like they sentenced him to hard labor.

    And if that’s too much for you, you can get an automated litter box that scoops for you.

  57. 57.

    jl

    @jl: Tired to edit to change to ‘whatever outright false, dishonest, inflammatory stuff’ but it didn’t take. I should have just typed ‘inflammatory lies’, but I try to be keep civil.

  58. 58.

    HeleninEire

    Fucking Chris Cuomo is praising Trump for saying “I don’t know” if the bombs were terrorism. Because Trump is waiting for the facts before commenting (i.e. tweeting).

    Yes Trump waits for facts.

    LO fucking L.

  61. 61.

    Facebones

    An excerpt from Newton’s lost novel Inertia

    “Oh Issac!” screamed the fair Duchess. “Don’t stop!”

    Issac huffed but kept his pace. “An object in MOTION…tends to… STAY… in MOTION…”

  62. 62.

    Mary G

    It is a crime that this person is not now president of the United States:

    Hillary Clinton addresses suspicious package sent to her home: "We are fine thanks to the men and women of the Secret Service who intercepted the package addressed to us long before it made its way to our home. Everyday we are grateful to their service" https://t.co/j35474bsYi pic.twitter.com/WpK8PQ6kfn— This Week (@ThisWeekABC) October 24, 2018

  63. 63.

    clay

    @HeleninEire: Yeah… if it were a bomb, say, in London at a tube station, he’d call it “terrorism” and blame it on Muslims before the smoke cleared.

    But when the bombs are directed against his political enemies, all of a sudden he shows great restraint! It must be leadership! Surely there’s no other explanation!

  66. 66.

    HeleninEire

    Gonna go back to The Great British Bake Off. Will return to CNN and here later. I need a muffin. I’ll check in later. Love, HiE.

  67. 67.

    Wild Cat

    “The Autobiography of Frigg Newton”

    “William Blake and His Satanic Snake”

    “Eat the Apple”

    “The Further Adventures of Fanny Hill: Action, Reaction, and Raging Traction”

  69. 69.

    lamh36

    Some good judicial news.

    @YahooNews
    7m7 minutes ago
    More
    JUST IN: Federal judge says Georgia officials must stop rejecting absentee ballots and absentee ballot applications because of mismatched signatures https://yhoo.it/2qaxW0y

  71. 71.

    jl

    @clay: Trump needs to be called on his despicable demagoguery. He emits complete fabrications and lies to rile up his ever dwindling base, and then when the shit hits the fan, he says it’s OK it’s all just garbage he says to get a win, or he doesn’t know.

    The only bright side I can see is that, so far, he going the miserable dishonest and ruthless rabble rousing demagogue route rather than starting a war. Let’s hope that remains the case, and the the GOP’s attempt at disgusting lies and BS fails just as miserably as it has in recent elections, as in Virginia recently.

  73. 73.

    SenyorDave

    A real headline:

    Meghan McCain Compares Suspicious Packages Sent To Dems, CNN To GOP Restaurant Heckling

    What’s next, Megyn Kelly comparing her forced apology (does anyone seriously believe she would apology on her own) for her defense of blackface to being blacklisted during the McCarthy era?

  74. 74.

    trollhattan

    @SenyorDave:
    Christ, McCain’s worthless, worthless daughter has a camera aimed at her. Lucky us.

    Reminds me also, too, of Trump huffing about “Antifa” with their gaudy bodycount and all. All those dead Nazis.

  75. 75.

    germy

    @trollhattan: She took months off from her job at The View after her father died.

    Does she know the rest of us are expected to be back at work within one week after losing a loved one?

  77. 77.

    Mary G

    @lamh36: That’s good, but there was a very disturbing article in WaPo yesterday about how Sessions and the Trump administration are appealing cases directly to the Supreme Court instead of letting it go through the appellate process. They say appellate judges are too liberal. This is very bad.

  81. 81.

    Mary G

    Twitler is probably freaking out, because the stock market is bad today. Dow down more than 400 points, and much worse, Nasdaq down more than 250. I don’t think I’ve ever seen it fall that far in one day.

  82. 82.

    ??? Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)  ??

    @Roger Moore:
    Well, I hope Ecuador has learned to stop cutting off their nose to spite their face, to get back at the US and other European nations like the UK. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve fucked them and others up in the past but objectively speaking, shielding Assunge from the consequences of his actions was wrong and selfish on their part. Assunge was likely a tool of Putin’s to destabilize the current global order.

  83. 83.

    ??? Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)  ??

    @Mary G:
    Yeah, all those Reagan, Bush 1, and Bush 2 appointees are just too damn “liberal”. Gee, thanks for the suggestion, Greedy Old Perverts! After we pack the Supreme Court, we’ll just appeal directly to the Supreme Court from now on. The appeals courts are just too right-wing. Sorry!

  84. 84.

    catclub

    Not OT – its an openthread!

    a whoopsy day on the markets.
    I wonder where the stock market is going. Actually, I wonder when Trump will claim that the market is tanking because it seems likely that Democrats will win.

  87. 87.

    catclub

    @Mary G:

    Dow down more than 400 points, and much worse, Nasdaq down more than 250. I don’t think I’ve ever seen it fall that far in one day.

    A number that sticks in my head for October x, 1987, is -507 points. You must be young! Cheers.

  88. 88.

    JPL

    @SenyorDave: I enjoyed watching Megyn Kelly apologize. She is on notice, and that is why she apologized. Granted I only watched for five minutes and haven’t watched her show before. Maybe it is part of her routine to be on the verge of tears when she opens.

  89. 89.

    oatler.

    Isaac Newton is mentioned in John Barth’s “The Sotweed Factor”. A character, Henry Burlingame, says he is running from “Sir Isaac”, whom he had gotten too flirtatious with.

  90. 90.

    Origuy

    Another giant storm is devastating a US territory, the Northern Marianas Islands.

    Super Typhoon Yutu, tied for the strongest storm anywhere in the world in 2018, slammed into the U.S. commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands on Thursday, local time, with weather agencies predicting extreme destruction.

    The storm, with 180 mph sustained winds, was set to create “devastating damage” in the Pacific islands east of the Philippines, said the National Weather Service in Guam. Much of the island of Saipan and all of the island of Tinian were enveloped within the eye of the massive cyclone, as residents hunkered down in the early hours of the morning.

  91. 91.

    jeffreyw

    @catclub:

    Actually, I wonder when Trump will claim that the market is tanking because it seems likely that Democrats will win.

    Obviously on the fear that the Dems won’t!

  96. 96.

    Jim, Foolish Literalist

    @jeffreyw: CNBC @ CNBC
    Stocks are falling due to fear that Democrats will win midterms and end “pro-growth policies,” according to White House advisor Larry Kudlow.

  97. 97.

    catclub

    @Origuy: Like Puerto Ricans, another group that Trump will decide are not Americans.
    (Are residents US citizens? I know Puerto Ricans are, but now I feel unsure about them.)

  99. 99.

    Jim, Foolish Literalist

    @JPL: is anyone pointing out her “Santa Clause is white, and so is Jesus!” moment? If you see that clip and watch the way she says it, she meant it, it’s an important part of her world view that Jesus looked liked the northern European representations she grew up with.

    IOW: She’s a dumb racist.

  101. 101.

    Mary G

    @catclub: Not young and I remember that 1987 thing because my mother called me in tears and I thought someone had died. I was talking about the Nasdaq, which is so much lower than the Dow, but I must have missed April 2000, when I was still working:

    Biggest point drops ever on Nasdaq:

    04/14/2000 -355.49
    04/03/2000 -349.15
    10/10/2018 -315.96
    04/12/2000 -286.27
    02/08/2018 -274.82
    02/05/2018 -273.42
    04/10/2000 -258.25
    01/04/2000 -229.46

    Today’s closing is a bloodbath: Dow down 608.01 for 2.41% drop, Nasdaq down 329.15 for 4.43% drop, erasing all of 2018’s gains

  102. 102.

    catclub

    @Jim, Foolish Literalist: It is amazingly stupid to try to use whether the stock market goes up or down as approval or disapproval. Naturally, Trump does this all the time.
    (Various observers have noted that the market seems to make fools of the largest number of people.)

  103. 103.

    Origuy

    @catclub: The NMI are a commonwealth, the same as Puerto Rico. Most Chamorros are US Citizens. Some are US Nationals, not quite the same thing. It’s complicated and the Wikipedia article didn’t make it clear.

  104. 104.

    ??? Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)  ??

    @catclub:
    A lot of people confuse the NYSE with the economy. In all honesty, most actions of individual presidents probably have little effect on the US economy as a whole. I mean, unless they do something incredibly dangerous or stupid, like starting a trade war with the PRC…

  106. 106.

    Mary G

    @catclub: That’s true, I remember thinking after the dotcom crash that the Nasdaq would never see 4,000 again, and it’s over 7,000 even after the drop today, so going strictly by number of points is misleading.

    But this may be a problem for Republicans in the midterms:

    The S&P 500 is now in the red for 2018. 24 days ago it was up 9.6% on the year. October brokerage statements are going to surprise a lot of people.
    — Bespoke (@bespokeinvest) October 24, 2018

    Inconvenient timing! Why is is so often October that the markets dive?

  108. 108.

    VeniceRiley

    I’m uncomfortable discussing erotica in mixed company.

    I think that would be his title, as well as my sentiment.

    Also? I am beyond enraged at todays events and the threatening “keep sweet, or else” calls for civility toward our attackers from their victims. it’s so ‘both sides’ ingrained that even the victims at CNN are spouting it. Eat poo, Jeff Flake!

  109. 109.

    But her emails!!!

    @catclub:
    1. Kudlow is a moron
    2. Unless there has been specific news today that shows that the chances of Democrats winning has skyrocketed, the odds of Dems winning and enacting policy is already baked into the cake.

  110. 110.

    catclub

    Politics

    Saudi Crown Prince Vows Khashoggi Justice in Defiant Speech
    Saudi Arabia will not allow such a “heinous crime” to damage relations with Turkey, the crown prince said.

    I think the heinous crime he is concerned about is Turkey leaking information on the killing. The murder? Not so much.

  111. 111.

    ??? Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)  ??

    @FlipYrWhig:
    I’ll readily admit I don’t know the difference between all of those things, aside from the budget. However, I’m not POTUS. I do know they all interact at some level to affect economic conditions that eventually “trick down” to affect me. It’s probably been 5 or 6 years since I took intro to economics.

  117. 117.

    randy khan

    @SenyorDave:

    Meghan McCain Compares Suspicious Packages Sent To Dems, CNN To GOP Restaurant Heckling

    That’s fine, as long as the comparison is “One is domestic terrorism, the other is kind of inconvenient.”

  119. 119.

    Mnemosyne

    @SenyorDave:

    Apparently McCain said that before the news of the attempted bombings broke. So it was just her reciting the regularly scheduled talking points, not in response to the bombs.

  120. 120.

    jl

    @But her emails!!!: And real and nominal Treasury yields haven’t moved much since last uptick during September and beginning of October. So far, the stock market drops seem to have been corrections, and due to rebalancing investments in assets of similar risk to stock market.

    Bad news for people hankering after a stock market crash, but (as always a guesstimate), not a signal of anything unusual so far.

  121. 121.

    jl

    @randy khan: Riotous citizen heckling was cheered by GOPers during Obamacare legislation. It was a healthy venting of citizen opinion. Except when it spreads beyond their corporate sponsored reactionary astroturf hecklers.

  124. 124.

    catclub

    @Mnemosyne:

    So it was just her reciting the regularly scheduled talking points,

    so she probably WAS saying that heckling by Democrats is just like terrorism

  125. 125.

    catclub

    @trollhattan: These really need to go side by side. as they are at Bloomberg.
    OJ will be doing double duty.

    Trump Vows ‘Major’ Probe of Attempted Attacks
    Here are the latest developments in the bomb scare, updated throughout the day.
    updated 5 minutes ago

    Politics
    Saudi Crown Prince Vows Khashoggi Justice in Defiant Speech
    Saudi Arabia will not allow such a “heinous crime” to damage relations with Turkey, the crown prince said.

  126. 126.

    Jim, Foolish Literalist

    Toluse Olorunnipa @ ToluseO
    A year ago, the Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin warned that there would be a “significant” drop in stocks if the tax bill didn’t pass.

    The bill passed. Stocks are down for the year. Deficits are forecast to reach $1 trillion this fiscal year.

  127. 127.

    Sticklr

    Well, here’s a few obvious (inappropriate) contributions:

    Gravitational Pull
    Principia erotica
    Scientific (Rhythm) Method
    Corpuscular Motion

  128. 128.

    rekoob

    @Mary G: Oddly enough, October seems to be a bit of a statistical artifact. We know about the major crashes in October, and there may be some “muscle memory” around it, and there may also be some fairly mundane reasons — people are re-evaluating portfolios in light of the first 9 months of performance and in taxable accounts may be looking to match gains and losses. Also, it’s the time of year that portfolio managers are being evaluated and given promotions and/or bonuses, so there may be some window dressing to put one’s best foot forward. Institutional investors often either have calendar year ends or fiscal (30 June) year ends, meaning that if they’re looking for a new team, they may be doing so now. Most market participants know it’s a bumpy month and plan accordingly. The mid-terms may be a factor, but one of many. Recent earnings reports have been muted, which may be the proximate cause of the volatility.

  129. 129.

    RobNYNY

    @Origuy:

    You have to be careful of the term “commonwealth,” which has no specific meaning. Yes, Puerto Rico is a commonwealth, but so are Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, Virginia, and Kentucky. Rhode Island is both a plantation and a colony.

  130. 130.

    Barney

    “Never even saw the sea”? Hmm, the Thames is tidal in central London, and I can’t believe he never saw it. I don’t think Schaffer’s line holds up.

    I actually do the checking of TV quiz questions for a living in the UK, and I’ve got to say I think my colleague in Spain is slacking by sending you the entire question. We do sometimes get in touch with experts, manufacturers etc., but your book’s blurb online should have provided what they needed.

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