Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

The GOP couldn’t organize an orgy in a whorehouse with a fist full of 50s.

When do we start airlifting the women and children out of Texas?

They think we are photo bombing their nice little lives.

Prediction: the GOP will rethink its strategy of boycotting future committees.

Not all heroes wear capes.

Reality always lies in wait for … Democrats.

You cannot shame the shameless.

That’s my take and I am available for criticism at this time.

This really is a full service blog.

Only Democrats have agency, apparently.

It’s time for the GOP to dust off that post-2012 autopsy, completely ignore it, and light the party on fire again.

They are lying in pursuit of an agenda.

Republicans are radicals, not conservatives.

I didn’t have alien invasion on my 2023 BINGO card.

I see no possible difficulties whatsoever with this fool-proof plan.

… pundit janitors mopping up after the GOP

Battle won, war still ongoing.

If you are still in the GOP, you are an extremist.

🎶 Those boots were made for mockin’ 🎵

Good lord, these people are nuts.

The most dangerous place for a black man in America is in a white man’s imagination.

Insiders who complain to politico: please report to the white house office of shut the fuck up.

Despite his magical powers, I don’t think Trump is thinking this through, to be honest.

DeSantis transforms Florida into 1930s Germany with gators and theme parks.

You are here: Home / Balloon Juice / Readership Capture / It’s Time for the Annual God Damned Calendar

It’s Time for the Annual God Damned Calendar

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Hello all, as Christmas is nearing it is time for my favorite fucking chore of the god damned year, the Balloon Juice Pet Calendar, which started out as a neat charity thing that was easily done and is now an annual ritual like having a god damned colonoscopy. So, if you are interested in ordering a calendar- the price will be the same as last year, 25 per, email [email protected] with the number of calendars you would like to be purchasing.

Likewise, if you have animal pictures you would like included, please also send them to [email protected]

So I hope you fucking join me in the Christmas cheer and purchase calendar and help save some critters, as all profits go to M4RC.

FYI- I am not usually in sales so my pitch may need some work.

Reader Interactions

34Comments

  4. 4.

    laura

     I am not usually in sales so my pitch may need some work.
    I’d say your a canny pitchman, I’d buy ANYTHING if it meant saving That Lovely Dog….
    If you could add some of that Sarah McLaughlin music, you’d really, really move some product.

  5. 5.

    trollhattan

    What a pitch–I’ll take two dozen plus the F250 crew cab with the undercoating!

    And a happy fucking Christmas to you, sir.

  6. 6.

    LAO

    I just sent an email with pictures (I forgot to do that last year). For your records — I’ll take 1.

  10. 10.

    Juju

    Are they searching for the alien? I can’t think why else anyone would have a colonoscopy every year.

    Since I have two relatively new golden adoptees, I may send some pictures. I missed that the last couple of years.

  14. 14.

    The Moar You Know

    I am not usually in sales so my pitch may need some work.

    It works for me but I’m not the typical consumer. Having done sales, I can say confidently you would be an absolute disaster at it. Much as I was.

  15. 15.

    Amir Khalid

    And a fucking Merry Fucking Christmas to you, Mr Cole.
    I had a colonoscopy once: they shoved a video camera up my bottom and then another one down my gullet. (Well, they said it was a different camera.)

  17. 17.

    guachi

    All rituals are like that. They start out fun and turn into a chore with requirements and expectations.

  19. 19.

    geg6

    I sent an email for one calendar.

    And I have to send pet pics later. Still haven’t had a good opportunity to get one of the newest member of the family. By the way, I think her name is going to be Cleo.

  21. 21.

    CliosFanboy

    @spudgun: don’t judge. some people just have different ways of having fun. Some people like NASCAR, some like colonoscopies. ;)

  22. 22.

    beth

    dear pet photo submitters, if you’d like the name of your pet included on their photo in the calendar, be sure to include that in the file name, if possible, and for multiple pets, if you are keen on them being named in order of appearance, list the names in order of appearance in the file name or email.

  23. 23.

    wasabi gasp

    How about a calendar featuring just you (YOU!), cuz with each and every passing day you just keep on looking more and more yummy. Irresistible like a stale marshmallow peep, you wuz born to be an old man!

  24. 24.

    Another Scott

    Dead thread…

    Not to be a downer, but I hope the gremlins with last year’s calendar shipping process don’t happen again.

    I ordered two and never received them. I don’t mind – the donation was for a great cause, and I don’t have enough wall space to hang all the calendars we get.

    Thanks.

    Cheers,
    Scott.

  25. 25.

    Waldo

    That’s an excellent sales pitch. I skimmed it with great interest. Coincidentally, I got some snail mail today that opened like so: “This is not your typical life insurance offer.”

    I don’t know what the rest of it said, because it went directly into the trash.

  26. 26.

    jl

    I don’t understand why God will damn this year’s animal calendar, and Cole is an atheist anyway, so why would he care even if God does?
    I have to accept the quirks of this blog, even if I don’t understand the why of them.

  27. 27.

    CaseyL

    So… you clean the hell out of your intestinal tract before starting to work on the calendar? Your rituals are weird, man.

    I will try to send in photos of Jeannie and Oscar. Ever year I forget; maybe this year will be different!

    And I’ll want one for my very own, plus another for my neighbors.

  28. 28.

    ET

    Cole – your sales pitch feels about right for this place. And we know you so you have that going for you……

  30. 30.

    Ruckus

    Your sales pitch sounds about normal.
    A bit light for the sales pitch reply I sent back to little teddy of TX.

  31. 31.

    Comrade Colette Collaboratrice

    Because I can follow instructions, I’m sending you an e-mail, and I’m not saying here what it says.

  32. 32.

    steve g

    Receiving calendars at Christmas can also be trying, you know. My 2018 Calendar is Paul Klee, in French, with Lundi (Monday) as the first column every month. Nov 6, election day, appears in column 2, where Monday belongs. Can’t count how many times it has messed me up. Not sure whether to blame Paul Klee, the French, or the Canadians, so I blame them all.

    Perhaps you should make the first column Wednesday, or even Mecredi, so that it messes up everyone, in the egalitarian spirit of our present times, wherein we strive for equality by making everything equally shitty for everyone.

  33. 33.

    Tams

    Hi Juicers! Cole’s BFF here. If you have any animal pics tucked in bed, please send those pictures along for the calendar. I do believe it would make for a great month and calendar…… not to mention many smiles ?

  34. 34.

    Tams

    I can help with the marketing pitch…. and Juicers, I’ll be taking over the mailing process (again) this year…. which will hapen much further in advance of 2019. That being said, trust you will have the calendar prior to January 1st. Can’t wait to see everyone’s babies! Also, if you have any pics of your fur-babies/animals in bed, please also send them along. Cole and I have an Instagram page named PetsTuckedInBed…we would love to add your animals to this page and continue to gain followers ??❤️ Thank you in advance!

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