Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

The willow is too close to the house.

If you’re pissed about Biden’s speech, he was talking about you.

And we’re all out of bubblegum.

If you tweet it in all caps, that makes it true!

Conservatism: there are some people the law protects but does not bind and others who the law binds but does not protect.

Wow, you are pre-disappointed. How surprising.

Hi god, it’s us. Thanks a heap, you’re having a great week and it’s only Thursday!

Is it negotiation when the other party actually wants to shoot the hostage?

Schmidt just says fuck it, opens a tea shop.

JFC, are there no editors left at that goddamn rag?

When do the post office & the dmv weigh in on the wuhan virus?

It’s time for the GOP to dust off that post-2012 autopsy, completely ignore it, and light the party on fire again.

Happy indictment week to all who celebrate!

The party of Reagan has become the party of Putin.

A sufficient plurality of insane, greedy people can tank any democratic system ever devised, apparently.

In short, I come down firmly on all sides of the issue.

Innocent people don’t delay justice.

Republicans: slavery is when you own me. freedom is when I own you.

A consequence of cucumbers

Too often we hand the biggest microphones to the cynics and the critics who delight in declaring failure.

Shallow, uninformed, and lacking identity

Nancy smash is sick of your bullshit.

An almost top 10,000 blog!

Accountability, motherfuckers.

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Open Thread: Polar Opposites

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72Comments

  2. 2.

    Patricia Kayden

    It’s strange that Trump tweeted that he was all alone when his wife flew back from Florida to be with him.

    Anyhoo, hope everyone is enjoying their Christmas Eve except for Trump and his supporters, of course.

  6. 6.

    frosty

    Paging Siuban Duinne… cleanup in the poetry aisle! Can’t anyone write a parody that scans correctly. Every one of the Night Before Xmas ones I’ve read has too many syllables. Good rhymes though.

  10. 10.

    Mnemosyne

    @zhena gogolia:
    @debbie:

    He’s now tweeting from @slendersherbet rather than @boringenormous. He has a full explanation, but basically he got targeted by video squatters who tried to extort him for using “their” videos. He refused, so they got Twitter to shut him down. ?

  19. 19.

    Barbara

    @NotMax: You’ll need a Slovenian translator. Apparently she and Barron speak to each other, and of course to her parents, in Slovenian.

  20. 20.

    dmsilev

    No link, but apparently the stock market gyrations have done what two years of steadily mounting scandals and crimes were unable to accomplish: convince the Mustache Of Understanding (aka Tom Friedman) that Trump should be removed from office ASAP. Of course he wants to start by having two unicorns, the Loch Ness Monster, and three Yetis, sorry I mean a bunch of responsible and patriotic Republican leaders stage an intervention and once that fails to call for his ouster. But that’s still progress, and it only took four Friedman Units for him to get this far.

  26. 26.

    scav

    @Mary G: That is about the age where most individuals stop believing our current president is normal, let alone able.

    (some close their eyes furiously and continue to pretend, hoping to get more gifts.)

  27. 27.

    NotMax

    @Mary G

    Followed by “Would you like to be Secretary of Defense?”

    :)

    Can’t help but wonder how come that’s dated tomorrow?

  28. 28.

    Baud

    @scav:

    (some close their eyes furiously and continue to pretend, hoping to get more gifts.)

    But enough about Trump’s cabinet

  30. 30.

    zhena gogolia

    I just had the thought, “John Cole is probably having a sweet Christmas Eve in the bosom of his family,” then I peeked at his Twitter feed and saw that he’s live-tweeting a Christmas concert featuring bad local high-school bands. That made me feel better somehow. Our Christmas Eve consisted of watching Christmas in Connecticut from 4 to 6, then having hot dogs for dinner. Tomorrow should be a little better.

  37. 37.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @NotMax:

    On children who love me
    (Assuming there if any!)
    On Eric! On Junior!
    On Barron and Tiffany!

    (ETA: It makes no grammatical sense, but I like the rhyme. Especially considering I am in a NyQuil haze.)

  41. 41.

    zhena gogolia

    @NotMax:

    We had paprika on the cauliflower in honor of Uncle Felix.

    I actually said, “I’m glad we’re not having one of those roast duck dinners.”

  42. 42.

    Adam L Silverman

    @zhena gogolia: You do know there’s now a cauliflower recall because it’s coming from the same farms as the contaminated romaine lettuce?

    I realize that the USDA, FDA, and CDC figured that since no one actually likes cauliflower, that the recall didn’t need as much publicity as romaine lettuce did.

  46. 46.

    Suzanne

    @plato: The God Twitter account is one of my favorite things on the internet.

    What a dickhole. You’re alone on Christmas Eve because no one loves you and you don’t love anyone! Your wife flew back to save you from everyone knowing how fucking alone and gross you are.

    Other than the presidential situation, however, I’m enjoying Christmas thus far. Grammy made Luna-Lu a new sweater.

  48. 48.

    joel hanes

    The Merriest of Christmases to all those jackals who keep it.

    And a joyous and peaceful solstice to those who do not.

    May 2019 be a better year.
    Much, much, much better

  57. 57.

    Chetan Murthy

    @Chetan Murthy:

    Pav Bhaji is lovely.

    Sorry, maybe a little less cryptic: it’s an Indian dish containing (amongst other veggies) mashed cauliflower. Yum! And I typically don’t cook Indian food.

  58. 58.

    Adam L Silverman

    @frosty: Though given that you admitted to going to Pizza Hut for dinner, makes me thing I should have moved it to Spam.//

  60. 60.

    Plato

    There's no 5 second rule at my house.
    The dog is much quicker than that.

    — Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) April 15, 2015

    Guessing in cole’s household the cat is the dog.

  63. 63.

    NotMax

    Running The Third Man in the background on Netflix. There are an awful lot of fuzzy prints out there. This one is pretty clear but still inconsistently sharp.

  64. 64.

    Uncle Cosmo

    @NotMax:

    There was a young bard from Japan
    Whose limericks never would scan.
    When someone asked why,
    He’d reply, “Because I
    Always try to fit as many words into the last line as I possibly can.”

    :p

  65. 65.

    satby

    I can beat pizza hut and hot dogs for dinner, I had a bowl of Cheerios. There’s a ribeye in the fridge that was supposed to be tonight’s dinner, but I had a leftover enchilada for lunch and I wasn’t hungry enough to bother cooking.

  66. 66.

    Ken

    @Uncle Cosmo:
    There once was a gas man named Peter
    Who one day while reading the meter
    Used a match for some light
    He blew out of sight
    And as anyone who knows anything about poetry can tell you, he absolutely ruined the meter.

  71. 71.

    Comrade Colette Collaboratrice

    @zhena gogolia:

    I actually said, “I’m glad we’re not having one of those roast duck dinners.”

    Wha … wha … what?!? We actually just ate a homemade roast duck dinner. I slaved all afternoon on the frickin’ thing. It was delicious. WTF is your problem?!?

    *sulks*

  72. 72.

    zhena gogolia

    @Comrade Colette Collaboratrice:

    All I meant was, we’re having brisket today so I was glad not to be having one of the heavy meals described in the above-mentioned film Christmas in Connecticut. It was a film reference — not a very clear one.

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