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You are here: Home / John Cole Presents "This Fucking Old House" / Destination Unlocked- South Beach

Destination Unlocked- South Beach

by John Cole|  December 27, 20188:06 pm| 119 Comments

This post is in: John Cole Presents "This Fucking Old House"

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As a native Floridian, I must warn you: turn signals are a sign of weakness. ?

— Per-sister (@keylime1472) December 27, 2018

Woke up this morning at 4:30, lay there for fifteen minutes thinking “It’s too early for this shit,” realized I wasn’t going to fall back asleep, so took off and hit the road. It was a nice road through South Carolina at night, and Georgia was a touch… odd:

Day 2, pit stop #1: Richmond Hills, GA
“Just out if curiosity, ma’am, why are there roosters and a wheelchair in your parking lot?”
Playlist:
Afro Celt Sound System- Sound Magic
Peter Gabriel- Passion
Beyonce- Lemonade pic.twitter.com/j76jInFOyX

— Cake or Death (@Johngcole) December 27, 2018

Undeterred by those omens, I ventured onward. I then spent the rest of the day hurtling south across the shaft of America’s penis, imagery that is fitting not only due to the geography of the state, but also because of the sheer overwhelming numbers of dicks and nuts on the Florida highway system at any given point. I spent the majority of the drive trying to predict which asshole would cut me off next and motherfucking various population centers who I hear about every four years on election day. My personal favorite maneuver by Florida drivers is the four lane steep drift, in which a driver, without the assistance of turn signals or common sense, simply slides from the far left lane to the far right lane, without even a passing concern for self or others.

At any rate, I made it in one piece, and will be spending ten days with Prescott and Riley:

Lily is zonked out:

I am also exhausted. I’ll chat with you all tomorrow.

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Reader Interactions

119Comments

  1. 1.

    trollhattan

    December 27, 2018 at 8:13 pm

    Now you and Florida play nice, don’t make your mom and me come over there.

    That “New Era Pinstripe Bowl” sure was scintillating. I see Subway Jared is now coaching Wisconsin.

  2. 2.

    ?BillinGlendaleCA

    December 27, 2018 at 8:13 pm

    the four lane steep drift

    They do that in California, just a warning if you visit. Though it primarily seems to be luxury cars, maybe they don’t come with turn signals as standard equipment(or bluetooth).

  3. 3.

    jl

    December 27, 2018 at 8:14 pm

    Thanks for report and cute petpix, and glad Cole arrived safely.

    My only advice concerns:
    “Just out if curiosity, ma’am, why are there roosters and a wheelchair in your parking lot?”
    Maybe Cole should mind his own damn business and he’ll have a nicer trip. No wonder he wakes up grouchy, worrying about every damn little thing.

    The wheelchair was in the parking lot because that is where somebody left it. There, dropped some damn Science on Cole.
    Hope he has a great visit.

  4. 4.

    Barbara

    December 27, 2018 at 8:14 pm

    They are adorbs! I insist that my husband handle any driving in Florida. A friend of mine once described driving in Guatemala as the closest you can get to kayaking on dry land. I don’t remember Florida being quite that bad, but like I said, I wasn’t driving.

  5. 5.

    Jeffro

    December 27, 2018 at 8:16 pm

    Florida’s not playing very nice with me right now – we have been stuck at Miami Airport for the past five hours waiting for our flight to Nassau (missed earlier connecting flight) and the flight keeps getting delayed ?

    My son has played so many video games at this afternoon, I am not sure he comprehends English at this point…

  6. 6.

    Scuffletuffle

    December 27, 2018 at 8:17 pm

    Prescott snd Riley are adorable…how will you ever leave them behind?

  7. 7.

    Jeffro

    December 27, 2018 at 8:17 pm

    Also – Cole, the drive would have been better regardless of what Florida drivers do if you’d had some Cult to crank up

  8. 8.

    Barbara

    December 27, 2018 at 8:19 pm

    @jl: I drove through SC once and there were 9 piglets in the middle of a state road — not divided highway but 55 mph. We got out to take pictures and then back in when we realized the mommy and daddy pigs had noticed our interest in their offspring and began some rather threatening sounding grunting and squealing.

  9. 9.

    Barbara

    December 27, 2018 at 8:20 pm

    @Jeffro: Ugh. Hope you get out soon.

  10. 10.

    jl

    December 27, 2018 at 8:21 pm

    @?BillinGlendaleCA: I think for the majority of drivers in CA, there is at least an absence of malice to the dangerous behavior. Not sure I think the same in other parts of the country.

    In CA, I think a quarter to a third of drivers are so absorbed in their social media or online maps, they’ve forgotten they’re on the road. I remember driving out of SF Bay a year or so ago, and wondering whether a quarter of the drivers around me were drunk. But then I noticed most of them were driving heads down or sideways looking at something. One guy weaving around and habitually straddling the lanes, was obviously fiddling with something on passenger seat next to him and having a conversation over some earpiece thing. So, drove up, more or less in lane next to him (‘more or less’ since he was straddling the lanes), and tapped the horn a little to try to alert him his position on the freeway was not in any way standard. But no luck, he showed no sign he even noticed my car. So, I stepped on the gas to get away from his vicinity. Edit: this guy was in some big oversized contractor business type pickup, so ready to do lots of damage.

  11. 11.

    Sonoran

    December 27, 2018 at 8:21 pm

    The chickens just crossed the road, obviously. I don’t know why.

  12. 12.

    Patricia Kayden

    December 27, 2018 at 8:23 pm

    What I remember most about Miami drivers is that they love to lay on the horn. It got annoying pretty fast. Or perhaps MD/DC/VA drivers are just more laid back because I rarely get honked here.

    Have a great trip, John. Florida is beautiful and warm so that should outweigh the mad drivers.

  13. 13.

    dmsilev

    December 27, 2018 at 8:23 pm

    Obviously the roosters rode in on the wheelchair. Do we have to explain everything to you?

  14. 14.

    ?BillinGlendaleCA

    December 27, 2018 at 8:24 pm

    @jl: “Don’t Drive Intoxicated, Don’t Drive Intexticated”, courtesy of the Automobile Club of Southern California.

  15. 15.

    NotMax

    December 27, 2018 at 8:24 pm

    Found this on Yelp:

    Best Jewish Delis in Miami Beach, FL

    Note the first trio are ads; list begins below them.

  16. 16.

    feebog

    December 27, 2018 at 8:24 pm

    @jl:

    Ok, but what about the chickens?

  17. 17.

    Comrade Colette Collaboratrice

    December 27, 2018 at 8:26 pm

    @Barbara:

    A friend of mine once described driving in Guatemala as the closest you can get to kayaking on dry land.

    Ha! My brother-in-law is from Guatemala and described it as being like skiing with a herd of stampeding cattle. We made him drive when we were in Turkey – he had no problem and felt it was calm by comparison.
    @Jeffro: Sorry to hear that. I hope you escape very soon.

  18. 18.

    DCrefugee

    December 27, 2018 at 8:27 pm

    Welcome to Floriduh, John. Enjoy!

    My biggest gripe about the state’s drivers? No one has ever heard of cruise control. But wheelchairs in the parking lots in rural Georgia are about as common as boiled peanuts.

  19. 19.

    NotMax

    December 27, 2018 at 8:28 pm

    “Just out if curiosity, ma’am, why are there roosters and a wheelchair in your parking lot?”

    Super-hero retirement village.

    Old time tradition that a super-hero must have a capon.

    ;)

  20. 20.

    redoubt

    December 27, 2018 at 8:30 pm

    Please tell me the Richmond Hill Chickens were in a Waffle House parking lot. It would be perfect.

  21. 21.

    Gin & Tonic

    December 27, 2018 at 8:30 pm

    @DCrefugee: I had boiled peanuts. Once.

  22. 22.

    DCrefugee

    December 27, 2018 at 8:31 pm

    @Barbara: Jesus. God. A girlfriend once insisted we fly to Guatemala to ride mountain bikes. Did I mention the GF was a uniformed police officer assigned to bicycle patrol?

    The horror.

  23. 23.

    jl

    December 27, 2018 at 8:31 pm

    @feebog: The behavior and location of the chickens is self-explanatory and obvious, besides being no one’s business but their own.
    Man, how many Cole’s are there on this blog?

    I tell you people what, I drive through the South, I don’t mess with what miscellaneous chickens, pigs, armadillos, ramps, possums, squirrels and such like, do with themselves. I want to get where I’m going in one piece.

  24. 24.

    DCrefugee

    December 27, 2018 at 8:32 pm

    @Gin & Tonic: That’s about right…

  25. 25.

    Van Buren

    December 27, 2018 at 8:33 pm

    Just today, on the NJ turnpike, guy was doing 50 in the left lane, instead of the normal 80. As I passed him, I saw that he was staring at his phone and wearing earbuds.
    Florida plates.

  26. 26.

    A Ghost To Most

    December 27, 2018 at 8:34 pm

    Better you than me, Cole. Florida is on my never do again bucket list. Along with every other state in the Confederacy.

  27. 27.

    ?BillinGlendaleCA

    December 27, 2018 at 8:35 pm

    @DCrefugee: I’ll admit that I’ve not figured out the cruise control on the Prius I’ve had for almost 2 years.

  28. 28.

    jl

    December 27, 2018 at 8:35 pm

    @Van Buren: But he wasn’t even going the wrong way? Sounds like half-assed inattention to me.

  29. 29.

    Roger Moore

    December 27, 2018 at 8:36 pm

    @Sonoran:
    I have a dream that one day chickens will be free to cross the road without having their motives questioned.

  30. 30.

    A Ghost To Most

    December 27, 2018 at 8:37 pm

    @Gin & Tonic: And then you got a job.

  31. 31.

    HinTN

    December 27, 2018 at 8:37 pm

    TEN FUCKING DAYS! Oh hell yes.

    Enjoy

  32. 32.

    Yutsano

    December 27, 2018 at 8:40 pm

    @?BillinGlendaleCA: I believe it’s the same as all other Toyotas. It’s a separate knob that has all the instructions on it. My mom is a Toy nut, so I get to lean these things.

  33. 33.

    A Ghost To Most

    December 27, 2018 at 8:41 pm

    @HinTN: That’s ten days in Floriduh. Second prize is twenty days.

  34. 34.

    Yarrow

    December 27, 2018 at 8:42 pm

    Awww, the doggos are cute. Poor Lily, so much driving tired her out. She’s such a good girl! Nice to see her bow game is still strong.

    My favorite Florida driving maneuver is the left turn from the right-most lane in a road with four lanes on each side. Without using a turn signal, of course.

    Still, the drivers aren’t as bad as they are in a lot of other places where traffic lights are mere suggestions, no-passing zones are ignored and vehicle safety is a thing of myth and fable.

  35. 35.

    ?BillinGlendaleCA

    December 27, 2018 at 8:43 pm

    @Yutsano: My last car was a 31 yo Jetta, I’ve had much to learn on this car(even though it’s a 2010 Prius).

  36. 36.

    A Ghost To Most

    December 27, 2018 at 8:43 pm

    @Yutsano: Yup. My Prius cruise is the same on my 4Runner and Rav4.

  37. 37.

    ?BillinGlendaleCA

    December 27, 2018 at 8:46 pm

    Horrors! I had to get up to change the thermostat! The Honeywell server appears to be down.

  38. 38.

    Steeplejack

    December 27, 2018 at 8:46 pm

    @NotMax:

    Old time tradition that a super-hero must have a capon.

    Delete your account.

  39. 39.

    Chetan Murthy

    December 27, 2018 at 8:47 pm

    @?BillinGlendaleCA: It’s everywhere, as far as I can tell. Remember it well from NYC. The story was, if you signal for your lane-change, you’re just giving the guy in that lane a chance to pull up and block you. Why would you do that? *grin*

  40. 40.

    ?BillinGlendaleCA

    December 27, 2018 at 8:47 pm

    @A Ghost To Most: Yeah, that doesn’t help me.

  41. 41.

    raven

    December 27, 2018 at 8:50 pm

    @Chetan Murthy: I went to visit a buddy in Bayside, LI in 71 and we went to see the Allman Brothers in Manhattan. The dude did not stop for lights or stop signs, just blew right through them.

  42. 42.

    ?BillinGlendaleCA

    December 27, 2018 at 8:50 pm

    @Chetan Murthy: Oh, it’s New Yorkers moving here? I’m rethinking the utility of Wall(though along the Nevada and Arizona border).

  43. 43.

    Yarrow

    December 27, 2018 at 9:00 pm

    Michael Cohen is so fucked.

    Cohen now categorically denying he’s ever been to the Czech Republic. But he told @DavidCornDC in the weeks after the election: “I was in Prague for one afternoon 14 years ago.” https://t.co/E1vAa85A1w https://t.co/Fg9hVUnsqQ— Natasha Bertrand (@NatashaBertrand) December 28, 2018

  44. 44.

    A Ghost To Most

    December 27, 2018 at 9:01 pm

    @?BillinGlendaleCA: Push the button on the end to engage/disengage cruise (on/off). If not active, down on the stalk to set, up to resume previous speed. If active, up to increase speed, down to decrease.

  45. 45.

    ?BillinGlendaleCA

    December 27, 2018 at 9:04 pm

    @A Ghost To Most: I know the theory, I’ve just not wanted to test it out on a crowded SoCal freeway or at night(much of my long drives are at night for some reason).

  46. 46.

    Steeplejack

    December 27, 2018 at 9:07 pm

    @John Cole:

    I feel your pain. I spent seven hours on I-95 yesterday: three hours from D.C. to Philadelphia in the morning (not too bad), then four hours back in the late afternoon-evening. Caught the early rush hour in Philadelphia, the regular rush hour in Baltimore and then the eternal rush hour in D.C.

    All this with Bro’ Man in the passenger seat. He has many fine qualities, but he is the most skittish, nervous, backseat-driving-est mofo in the world. Dude, we cannot drive like a granny when the speed limit is 65 but the general flow of traffic is 75+ (except for the frequent stop-and-go spots).

    That said, the worst drivers on the I-95 corridor are mostly bad in predictable ways: sloths puttering along in the left lane, autobahn wannabes weaving in and out of traffic at flow + 10 mph, etc.

  47. 47.

    A Ghost To Most

    December 27, 2018 at 9:09 pm

    @?BillinGlendaleCA: California traffic astounded me when I lived there long ago.
    I can’t imagine it now. Denver people bitch about traffic. They have no idea.

  48. 48.

    raven

    December 27, 2018 at 9:10 pm

    @Steeplejack: We did Lynchburg to Athens yesterday and drive to the Easy for the Sugar Bowl Saturday. It looks like rain the entire time we’re going to be there including the drive.

  49. 49.

    Poptartacus

    December 27, 2018 at 9:15 pm

    My pizza was delivered cold
    I sent it back
    I felt bad about it
    Then I thought fuck those scrubs
    And I felt bad about that

  50. 50.

    Yarrow

    December 27, 2018 at 9:15 pm

    @A Ghost To Most: Everyone I know bitches about the traffic where they are. My cousin lives in a small city and bitches about the traffic there. Then she goes to the big city and whoa.

  51. 51.

    RepubAnon

    December 27, 2018 at 9:15 pm

    @?BillinGlendaleCA: It’s called the “in God We Trust” lane change…

  52. 52.

    ?BillinGlendaleCA

    December 27, 2018 at 9:15 pm

    @A Ghost To Most: Driving up to Red Rock with Madame and the kid, one guy moved(without signaling) from the #2 lane, to the #1 lane, to the carpool lane and passed on the very small shoulder on the left of the carpool lane. I slowed because I thought the guy was going to flip his car on the k-rail.

  53. 53.

    Baud

    December 27, 2018 at 9:16 pm

    I wonder who Cohen lent his cell phone to.

  54. 54.

    kindness

    December 27, 2018 at 9:16 pm

    Balloon Juice New Years Eve meetup in Florida????

    mostly non-alcoholic of course.

  55. 55.

    Cheryl Rofer

    December 27, 2018 at 9:16 pm

    We have a blizzard coming. Here’s a New Mexico Department of Transportation video from this afternoon. The traffic is headed from Santa Fe to Albuquerque.

    Whoa. #nmwx pic.twitter.com/onkzOaWJIC

    — Larry Behrens (@larrybehrens) December 26, 2018

  56. 56.

    CaseyL

    December 27, 2018 at 9:18 pm

    You’ve got a place with dogs already installed? That’s what I call planning!

    Driving in Florida, I remember it well. *sigh* I had a 79 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme – this was in the mid-80s so she wasn’t ancient – I loved that car. She was perfect for driving in South Florida: V8 engine, lots of oomph.

    Also a solidly built sturdy car: Once some little Civic tried to get into my lane without signaling or even making sure I wasn’t still in the space they wanted to occupy. The Civic kind of bounced off my fender without me or the car even really noticing; the Civic went limping off toward the slower lanes, figuring it had a better chance there.

    Another time, on the way home from visiting my Mom, I passed a car that was toodling along at the legal speed, which apparently infuriated the driver. Don’t ask me why, though South Florida enjoys a highly toxic macho culture. That car followed me all the way home to my place in Coral Gables. Maybe they were planning to make their displeasure formally known. I get out of the car – a short girl with wild red hair, carrying a laundry basket – and they pulled out and left. I honestly have no idea what that was all about, but hopefully it was some young male idiot who was totally undone that the driver who had passed him like he was standing still was a little slip of a girl, and he was too embarrassed to make a scene.

  57. 57.

    Raven

    December 27, 2018 at 9:19 pm

    @kindness: The horror

  58. 58.

    Steeplejack

    December 27, 2018 at 9:21 pm

    @raven:

    Good luck with that. I’m so old I remember when I-10 petered out in Mobile and you had to take Highway 90 through Biloxi and Gulfport to New Orleans. Good times.

    Have fun in New Orleans. I’d love to have a muffaletta from the Central Grocery Store right about now.

  59. 59.

    ?BillinGlendaleCA

    December 27, 2018 at 9:23 pm

    @Baud: I know I loan out my cellphone all the time.

  60. 60.

    rikyrah

    December 27, 2018 at 9:23 pm

    Glad that you made it there safely, Cole ??

  61. 61.

    PaulWartenberg

    December 27, 2018 at 9:24 pm

    Welcome to Florida, you poor bastard.

    As a long-time resident, I have no sympathy at all.

    (sits in I-4 traffic for 5 straight hours)

  62. 62.

    trollhattan

    December 27, 2018 at 9:24 pm

    @Cheryl Rofer:
    Yoikes!

  63. 63.

    rikyrah

    December 27, 2018 at 9:24 pm

    @Cheryl Rofer:
    New Mexico???

  64. 64.

    khead

    December 27, 2018 at 9:24 pm

    @Steeplejack:

    I am so glad to be working from home now. Driving I-95 from DC to NY is a miserable experience. What you describe was taking years off my life when I was doing it (Balt-DC). I can’t imagine commuting from where I live now (Cecil Co. MD) to Bawlmer or Philly.

  65. 65.

    ?BillinGlendaleCA

    December 27, 2018 at 9:25 pm

    @Steeplejack: I just remember the tunnel under Mobile Bay, fascinated my 4 yo mind.

  66. 66.

    rikyrah

    December 27, 2018 at 9:25 pm

    @Yarrow:
    ????

  67. 67.

    ?BillinGlendaleCA

    December 27, 2018 at 9:25 pm

    @PaulWartenberg: Obama offered y’all a train, but NOOOO.

  68. 68.

    Patricia Kayden

    December 27, 2018 at 9:26 pm

    @Yarrow: I wonder if Cohen is lying to throw off Trump. Just seems like an odd lie for someone who is eagerly cooperating with Mueller.

  69. 69.

    wmd

    December 27, 2018 at 9:26 pm

    The reason they don’t use turn signals is blinker fluid degrades explosively during hurricanes. Didn’t you see signs starting in the Carolinas advising you to get your blinker fluid tanks drained?

  70. 70.

    Baud

    December 27, 2018 at 9:26 pm

    @?BillinGlendaleCA: I only do it when I’m colluding with a foreign power to undermine America. Better safe than sorry.

  71. 71.

    PaulWartenberg

    December 27, 2018 at 9:26 pm

    @kindness:

    I have nothing else to do on New Years Eve.

  72. 72.

    ?BillinGlendaleCA

    December 27, 2018 at 9:27 pm

    @trollhattan: Why is the ground white in Cheryl’s pic? I’m confused.

  73. 73.

    Raven

    December 27, 2018 at 9:27 pm

    @Steeplejack: Yea, we’re going to give it our best shot. A very nice free place on Burgundy will help. There is a new streetcar on Ramparts with a 5 day $15 Jazzy Pass that gets you all busses and streetcars so there is that. We’re taking our doggie cart so we can push them around if the occasion arises. There’s nothing I can do about the game tickets dropping from the $150 each we paid to $20 now so Laissez le bon temps rouler!

  74. 74.

    Patricia Kayden

    December 27, 2018 at 9:27 pm

    @Cheryl Rofer: That looks so scary. Wow. I assume that snow isn’t seen that often in NM which makes driving even scarier.

  75. 75.

    Jeffro

    December 27, 2018 at 9:32 pm

    Whew – finally outta here!
    Thanks for the good thoughts peeps!!

  76. 76.

    Ruckus

    December 27, 2018 at 9:33 pm

    That 4 lane swerve might be the olds from OH. I used to see people drive down the on ramp, stop at the end and wait for an on coming truck to pull out in front of and then at 35 swerve across to the fast lane. This was not an uncommon occurrence, often seen several times a week, different car, different shade of silver hair. And I traveled a lot away from OH, still saw this often. If you tried this in LA you’d probably be run off the road or run over by the truck you just cut off. And if that didn’t get you, someone would go road rage on you and run you off the road.

  77. 77.

    Steeplejack

    December 27, 2018 at 9:34 pm

    @?BillinGlendaleCA:

    You’re probably talking about the old two-lane Bankhead Tunnel that went from Government Street in downtown Mobile under the Mobile River to Blakeley Island. Built around 1940. Claustrophobic and spooky.

  78. 78.

    jl

    December 27, 2018 at 9:37 pm

    @Baud: ” I only do it when I’m colluding with a foreign power to undermine America. Better safe than sorry. ”

    Drunken ramblings and brags at hotel bars are reserved for high security situations? I’m confused about the Baud 2020! secrecy protocol.

  79. 79.

    Ruckus

    December 27, 2018 at 9:39 pm

    @?BillinGlendaleCA:
    I’ve seen this once in CA. And while it was still immensely stupid the person at least had it on the floor. I do understand that speed limits are taken as mere suggestions here a-bouts though. And very often ignored entirely. I’m not admitting in writing how fast I drive to work, but I often get passed as if standing still.

  80. 80.

    Steeplejack

    December 27, 2018 at 9:42 pm

    @khead:

    I don’t have to do it often, so it’s more of a challenge and a “Do I still have my driving chops?” check. I can’t imagine having to do it every day. Which I think I said to my brother as he was kicking through the floorboards on his imaginary brake pedal.

  81. 81.

    Cheryl Rofer

    December 27, 2018 at 9:43 pm

    @Patricia Kayden: At Santa Fe altitude, which the picture is only a little below, we get some snow every winter. Albuquerque is more likely to get rain, although they’re supposed to get snow with the coming storm. We had snow yesterday, relatively warm and wet. Today we had sun, which pretty much cleared the roads. There’s supposed to be a bigger storm tonight and tomorrow.

    A reminder: DHS is dumping migrants by the hundreds in El Paso. Annunciation House is the major charity helping the migrants, who often have nothing but the non-blizzard-proof clothes on their backs. I sent Annunciation House some money yesterday.

  82. 82.

    Shana

    December 27, 2018 at 9:44 pm

    @Steeplejack: Nope, shrimp poboy from Acme Oyster House.

  83. 83.

    poleaxedbyboatwork

    December 27, 2018 at 9:44 pm

    @A Ghost To Most:

    Better you than me, Cole. Florida is on my never do again bucket list. Along with every other state in the Confederacy.

    Realize why you might feel this way (i.e. after being spotted a milennium-n-a-half to figger out the mule-headed error of its ways and still being mired in the same revanchist self-defeating temper-tantrum of racist spite, the South is an exasperating easily-condemned polity; I get that).

    But, must say: I love the South. I love its warm-hearted people, its music, its literature, its food, its environs and wilds, its flora and fauna, its courage and strength in spite of the controlling plurality of mean-spirited dickheads who keep it down. There’sa understandable impulse to write it off because of its malign impact upon our body politic. I get that, too. It will surprise no one to hear I have no answer to that.

    Can only say: your loss. A great many good people live there and fight the good fight in the face of tremendous opposition. I guess, for lack of a better answer, I choose to take inspiration from what otherwise appears insoluable.

  84. 84.

    Ruckus

    December 27, 2018 at 9:48 pm

    @A Ghost To Most:
    When I lived in OH people would tell me how bad the traffic was. I’d just laugh at them, then utter the words, “Poor child.”
    Few understood. I’ve driven in a lot of urban areas and they all have their quirks but the general take away of urban areas is there is a lot of traffic. Some places handle it better, some don’t handle it at all.

  85. 85.

    NotMax

    December 27, 2018 at 9:53 pm

    @khead

    So old can remember driving I-95 to Florida when it ended somewhere in the Carolinas.

  86. 86.

    Steeplejack

    December 27, 2018 at 9:55 pm

    @Shana:

    Not a fan of shrimp (or oyster) poboys. If I’m at Acme, I want raw oysters and a little horseradish sauce.

  87. 87.

    J R in WV

    December 27, 2018 at 10:00 pm

    Hey all you jackals!!

    Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes!! Had a nice day with you all…

  88. 88.

    Jager

    December 27, 2018 at 10:01 pm

    All Camreys sold in Florida are delivered with the left turn signal locked in the on position if the buyer is 65 plus. Same with Cadillacs.

  89. 89.

    NotMax

    December 27, 2018 at 10:07 pm

    @J R in WV

    Late to the party happy birthday.

  90. 90.

    Jay

    December 27, 2018 at 10:15 pm

    @Patricia Kayden:

    The Prague Meeting was where Cohen ( and others?) met with the Russian Government folks to coordinate and formalize the collusion and conspiracy, including arranging cash payments to “Romanian” hackers.

    Basically, the “big one”, way more criminal than “baby adoption” meetings.

  91. 91.

    Barry

    December 27, 2018 at 10:17 pm

    @jl: “The wheelchair was in the parking lot because that is where somebody left it. There, dropped some damn Science on Cole.”

    Wrong! When roosters eat too many nuts and bolts, they metamorph change into wheelchairs.

  92. 92.

    Barry

    December 27, 2018 at 10:31 pm

    (comment deleted)

  93. 93.

    Barry

    December 27, 2018 at 10:34 pm

    I’m amazed at hearing the whiny MoFo’s here complain quaintly about driving.

    I’m from Michigan:

    We use more salt on the roads than any other state (I knew a guy verifying that). I don’t care what color your car was, it’s now a very dirty white (sorry about your shoes).

    The standard speed limit on highways is 80 MPH. Rumors of a 70 MPH ‘Legal Limit’ (whatever that means) exist, but like the legendary massasauga[1] pygmy rattlesnake, are not actually observed in Michigan.

    You might think that with everybody whizzing around at 80 MPH, we maintain the roads. Or at least people from outside of Michigan do. We don’t (think or maintain the roads).

    The number of flaming wrecks is reduced substantially by the endless rain.

    Our pride and joy is 696, which was designed by LuscasFilm to be exactly like the Death Star trench from the original Star Wars:


    I have driven it and if you are uncomfortable with one-second no-warning decelerations from 90MPH to 20 MPH, just take an alternate route.

    [1] I am not joking about the name. It’s Canadian.

  94. 94.

    J R in WV

    December 27, 2018 at 10:40 pm

    Regarding the chickens, once we were visiting a craft center on the Blue Ridge Parkway near Asheville NC. When we came out of the very nice large center full of hand made art and artifacts, there was a brand new Mustang parked in the shade just outside the center.

    On the console between the front seats was a giant Rooster, with a small flock of hens in the back. We were amazed to see such a thing.

    Then the owners came out and we learned that they had been on a rescue mission for the little flock, and had stopped for personal refreshment. Don’t know if I would have undertaken a chicken flock rescue in my new sports car, given the smell chickens can generate, but bless them for good intentions!

    It was a sweet ‘Tang if you like that sort of car…

  95. 95.

    Yarrow

    December 27, 2018 at 10:46 pm

    @Steeplejack:

    I’d love to have a muffaletta from the Central Grocery Store right about now.

    Mmmmmm….yum! So [email protected]Shana: Also an excellent choice! Why not both?
    @Patricia Kayden: Well, he’s not exactly eagerly cooperating and he’s also not flipped on everything.

  96. 96.

    J R in WV

    December 27, 2018 at 10:47 pm

    @Shana:

    shrimp poboy from Acme Oyster House.

    If I’m at NOLA Oyster House, I’m having oysters, raw, fried, in stew, broiled, any other way they serve them.

  97. 97.

    OldDave

    December 27, 2018 at 10:48 pm

    On the four lane swoop – it’s snowbird season. I’ve always attributed those “Holy $H!T” maneuvers to the snowbird behind the wheel receiving urgent instructions from the co-pilot that they are about to miss their exit. We locals know (more or less) where we are going – it’s the tourists and occasional residents you have to watch out for, because they are convinced in their heart of hearts that if they get lost, they will never become found.

  98. 98.

    NotMax

    December 27, 2018 at 10:50 pm

    @OldDave

    Rushing to make the Early Bird Special, don’tcha know.

  99. 99.

    Anotherlurker

    December 27, 2018 at 10:58 pm

    @A Ghost To Most: I lived in Florida for 3 years. I am now experiencing the California housing crisis.
    I will outlast the housing crisis.
    I will never never go back to Florida and the Shithole South.

  100. 100.

    khead

    December 27, 2018 at 10:58 pm

    @NotMax:

    We used to stop on US 17 in Savannah GA to get fireworks and peaches on our way home from our FL vacation because I-95 wasn’t finished in GA yet. I-77 was still a work in progress in VA and the Carolinas too. I’ll guess 1978 maybe? Nowadays there’s just too damn many folks on the road.

    /get off my interstate

  101. 101.

    PaulWartenberg

    December 27, 2018 at 11:00 pm

    @?BillinGlendaleCA:

    Reason #417 I will never forgive Rick “MEDICARE FRAUD” Scott.

    seriously though, the high speed rail wasn’t as great a need as there is for city/county alternate transit. Places like Orlando and Tampa really need local rail – cable or elevated – to help getting around key locations like downtown to the airports to the tourist locations to the universities etc. It’s just the locals A) don’t want their taxes raised and B) are terrified of poor people riding the rails into their precious suburban gated communities. Sigh.

  102. 102.

    NotMax

    December 27, 2018 at 11:03 pm

    @khead

    Yup. Guess it must have been either ’71 or ’72 when made the drive round trip. Whole lotta meandering two lane blacktop or gravel road in SC and GA.

  103. 103.

    PaulWartenberg

    December 27, 2018 at 11:03 pm

    @khead:

    Holy sh-t. That was my childhood too. Grandparents lived in New Port Richey so for two summers we drove down US 17 from Virginia Beach to Tampa Bay from 1975 and 1976. I remember that fireworks store right on the South Carolina side of the border before that steep bridge into Savannah. That bridge terrified me. Also remembered seeing all the tourist trap signs for South of the Border, my brothers and I would keep a lookout for every one.

  104. 104.

    PaulWartenberg

    December 27, 2018 at 11:05 pm

    @A Ghost To Most:

    You’ll be back, Ghost. Some day. You’ll be back. YOU ALL COME BACK. bwhahahahahahaaahahaahahaaahhehahahaahaha.

  105. 105.

    Redshift

    December 27, 2018 at 11:06 pm

    We got home earlier this evening after a couple of days in New York. Apparently we just missed seeing the sky lit up blue because of a major power substation fire in Queens. Many exciting pictures and videos on Twitter

  106. 106.

    NotMax

    December 27, 2018 at 11:06 pm

    @PaulWartenberg

    Also too Claxton Fruitcake billboards aplenty.

  107. 107.

    PaulWartenberg

    December 27, 2018 at 11:07 pm

    @kindness:

    problem is if Cole is in South Florida, that’s still a harsh drive from Central Florida. You have to go the long way around either I-75 or the FL Turnpike to get there, and it’s a 4-5 hour drive even speeding over the limit.

  108. 108.

    PaulWartenberg

    December 27, 2018 at 11:08 pm

    @NotMax:

    nooooooo…. don’t recall seeing any of those.

  109. 109.

    Yarrow

    December 27, 2018 at 11:14 pm

    @PaulWartenberg: South of the Border is still there. I didn’t know its history. This article on it is kind of interesting.

    The construction of South of the Border might have started as a business experiment, but it became a cultural one, too.

    In the predominately Southern Baptist farming community of Hamer, Schafer’s Jewish heritage distinguished him as a minority, a position he used not only to stretch the conservative mores where alcohol was concerned but to obscure racial boundaries.

    Schafer not only routinely employed African Americans and other minorities, but he helped register them to vote, as noted in King’s book and a Schafer family memoir archived by the Jewish Historical Society of South Carolina. Schafer stood up to angry Klansmen over South of the Border’s diverse workforce, according to the memoir. The confrontation ended with a rifle-carrying Schafer demanding that the mob depart.

    Coming from a man whose roadside attraction was built on cultural stereotypes and what many consider blatant racial insensitivity, it’s a contradiction that has not gone unnoticed.

  110. 110.

    OldDave

    December 27, 2018 at 11:14 pm

    @PaulWartenberg:

    speeding over the limit.

    Which is something you have to do to blend in. :-)

  111. 111.

    NotMax

    December 27, 2018 at 11:16 pm

    Sunshine State, my aunt Fanny.

    ;)

    @PaulWartenberg

    Ubiquitous in Georgia.

    Seemed to be only slightly fewer than for South of the Border or for Wall Drug in the great northwest.

  112. 112.

    Penn

    December 27, 2018 at 11:41 pm

    As a Canadian it is always obvious when we cross the border into Michigan from the state of the roads. And out into other states as well.
    Our theory is that Michigan road repair consists of blocking off one lane for a while to let it rest and heal naturally.

  113. 113.

    SWMBO

    December 27, 2018 at 11:44 pm

    What the hell is going on with his right arm? After a few Hiassen novels, I was thinking some sort of weedwhacker.

  114. 114.

    Sasha

    December 27, 2018 at 11:56 pm

    South Florida drivers neatly break down thusly.

  115. 115.

    NotMax

    December 28, 2018 at 12:17 am

    @Sasha

    Dear gawd, found this from July last by way of the page you linked to.

    Florida man planned to burn his condo building down ‘with all the f*cking Jews”
    [snip]
    Miami Beach police found gasoline and flame-fanning material, along with swastika-decorated accoutrements and books of Nazi ideology in his apartment.
    [snip]
    His plan was to fill plastic containers with gasoline, pour the fuel down the building’s main line, and ignite the gas. He purchased two electrical fans “to fan the flames and cause maximum amount of damage.”

    Detectives later found a storage room linked to him containing 28 additional gasoline containers, sulfur powder, and potassium nitrate. He has now been charged the with Attempted Murder.
    [snip]
    [His] side of the story:

    “I bought the gas to make a small barbecue.” Source

  116. 116.

    laura

    December 28, 2018 at 10:59 am

    Cole, be sure and get your share of great Cuban food- starting with breakfast. The dumper dives along and just behind Collins Avenue, just past the fancy hotels is a target rich environment. Empanadas, ropa vieja, more empanadas…..
    A cheap thrill is riding the sunshine jitney -good sight seeing toodle for a dollar and an hour of you time.
    Work sent me to south beach a handfull of years ago when the pro and superbowls were scheduled. Stayed at the Fountainbleu -wow! The place was crawling with celebs and sportsballers and the yacthing set. Spouse got a fresh Who tee shirt and bag of empanadas and I never have to go back to Florida if I can help it.

  117. 117.

    Aleta

    December 28, 2018 at 11:43 am

    Re: @?BillinGlendaleCA: Driving up to Red Rock

    I’ve searched but can’t find the Western this line came from.
    Approx: “They used to take em up to Red Rock. Now they’re hangin’ them.”
    (Jail in Red Rock.) Maybe one of those oddball Westerns w/Brando ?
    Anyone know the movie?

  118. 118.

    J R in WV

    December 28, 2018 at 11:58 am

    When I was little, around 1960, we drove to FL over Xmas break. There were tiny bits of Interstate here and there, but by far the majority of the drive was non-Interstate, and to get to the bits of Interstate there was you drove on tiny rural farm roads past old plantations.

    When we were driving through they were sharecropper housing, one board thick propped up on rocks. Of course 100 yearas vefore they were slave housing, and hadn’t had a lick of work done by the (white) owners since then. It was eye-opening to see first hand what I read about later on.

    And getting to anywhere in FLA from WV in two days was impossible back then. In fact, it’s still impossible for me, I can’t do 12 hours in a car any more, except possibly if parked in the shade of a large tree on a nice day, napping in the back. Driving, tho? No way!

    You be careful John, and enjoy your time at the beach. Cuban food in Cuban FL is the best!!!

  119. 119.

    J R in WV

    December 28, 2018 at 1:57 pm

    @NotMax:

    A belated Thanks! for the enthusiastic bluegrass Happy Birthday song !!

    I didn’t see the link ’til wife pointed it out just now… quite a group. My neighbor would tell you true bludgrass doesn’t have a drum kit, but that was way back in the day style.

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