Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

You cannot shame the shameless.

Their freedom requires your slavery.

Please don’t feed the bears.

They fucked up the fucking up of the fuckup!

It’s a good piece. click on over. but then come back!!

You don’t get rid of your umbrella while it’s still raining.

Incompetence, fear, or corruption? why not all three?

Everybody saw this coming.

We’ve had enough carrots to last a lifetime. break out the sticks.

Something needs to be done about our bogus SCOTUS.

Ron DeSantis, the grand wizard, oops, governor of FL.

We’re not going back!

A thin legal pretext to veneer over their personal religious and political desires.

The line between political reporting and fan fiction continues to blur.

When we show up, we win.

Do not shrug your shoulders and accept the normalization of untruths.

Cole, when it comes to calico cats, restraint is overrated.

Many life forms that would benefit from greater intelligence, sadly, do not have it.

Let me eat cake. The rest of you could stand to lose some weight, frankly.

The words do not have to be perfect.

Oh FFS you might as well trust a 6-year-old with a flamethrower.

I’m more Christian than these people and I’m an atheist.

Wow, you are pre-disappointed. How surprising.

Republicans are the party of chaos and catastrophe.

You are here: Home / John Cole Presents "This Fucking Old House" / A Quick PSA

A Quick PSA

by | 268 Comments

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Every Christmas, Annie, the younger of my two sisters, insists on sending everyone a stocking. I know it is supposed to be a sweet gesture, and I appreciate it in that sense, but she also ends up sending me a bunch of little crap I will never use. She knows I like to cook, so she sends me stuff like those little sample jars of spices that are some odd combination of shit that you will only use once that works with only one kind of meat or fish that you probably only have once a year and inevitably use once and then it sits in your cabinet for three years just getting in the way of the spices you actually fucking use, occasionally falling out and spilling everywhere. Or my personal favorite over the last decade, the plastic onion for you to put a partially used onion in the fridge to save. I have never used a half an onion in my life.

At any rate, I end up with a bunch of shit I never use that sits around in a container or various places like the mantle until someone decides they want it and I let them take it or I throw it out or do whatever it is with shit that disappears around my house. Again, in the off chance she is reading this, I appreciate the gesture, Annie, but just send me some fucking wool socks or dog treats. Or send nothing and take yourself out to eat- that would make me happy!

The other thing that is irritating is that I generally abhor single use kitchen items. I understand the need for some things like a peeler or a cherry pitter, etc., but most everything else can be done with a knife. UNTIL NOW, THAT IS, AS THIS YEAR ANNIE SENT ME THE GREATEST SINGLE USE ITEM I HAVE EVER OWNED. And it is this:

That is a pineapple corer/slicer/cutter. It’s fucking amazing. It’s a game changer. You simply cut the top and bottom off the pineapple, insert that thing, twist it, and pull out, and YOU EAT PINEAPPLE. This thing is so fucking amazing that were a Presidential candidate to merely run on the platform “Pineapple Corer 2020” I would vote for them.

No longer will I walk into my Kroger and see a sale with pineapples for a dollar a piece and think “That’s a great deal but skinning a pineapple is a kick in the dick” and move on. I mean you get juice everywhere, you either cut too thick and waste edible fruit or too thin and eat the leathery dimples. Just a pain in the ass.

My life has changed today, people.

Reader Interactions

268Comments

  1. 1.

    Death Panel Truck

    Think of how easy it will be to put fresh pineapple on your pizzas now. ?

  3. 3.

    Elizabelle

    Isn’t that amazing, getting fresh pineapple for a dollar in West Virginia by Gawd or any of the continental 48?? We are so spoiled.

    Good for Annie.

  6. 6.

    lamh36

    BWHAHAHA…OMG…John…you are the pickiest persron..lol.

    But when you like something you really like something doncha…lol

  7. 7.

    Fenix

    I’ve been tempted by this, but doesn’t it also waste edible fruit? A wild pineapple is not a perfect cylinder.

  8. 8.

    Scott Mitchell

    Reminds me of the products featured in the Youtube series (saying the title put me in moderation).

  10. 10.

    eemom

    little sample jars of spices that are some odd combination of shit that you will only use once that works with only one kind of meat or fish that you probably only have once a year and inevitably use once and then it sits in your cabinet for three years just getting in the way of the spices you actually fucking use, occasionally falling out and spilling everywhere.

    Also too, the lack of fucking expiration dates on any spices of any kind. Don’t get me started.

  11. 11.

    Mart

    Neighbor lent us the pineapple thingy you have pictured and the first time I used it I sliced both hands as well. Frickin sharp edges everywhere. Paid more attention the second time. It is awesome. If you do not have the tool; cut the top and bottom off, lay the pineapple on its side, and push a knife through the meat about 1/4 inch from the skin. Then roll the pineapple and slice until the meat pops out of the skin. Then have to cut off around the core, and usually have to clean up a few skin scales, but pretty quick.

  12. 12.

    sukabi

    Need to differentiate between things you’d use once and things that have one use.

  13. 13.

    Kirk Spencer

    Until you get that pineapple that is just a little smaller, and must once more deal with dimples. Oh, better, yes, but sometimes I think dealing with a little misery after having none is harder than ‘just another day’.

  14. 14.

    eemom

    @Ruviana:

    I’d vote FOR a pineapple corer in 2020 if that’s who’s running.

    Glad we’re finally moving on from that poor goat.

  15. 15.

    lee

    I’ll treat this like and open thread….

    I just ordered a 23&Me. I’m adopted and hopefully they will find my biological family. I can go through the agency but it costs more and even then they can come back with ‘Nope not going to tell you’ (yeah that seems weird) or ‘No information’ (which might just be a more polite version of the other).

  17. 17.

    trollhattan

    @Ohio Mom:
    Like a vast number of fruits and vegetables I did not think I liked it until at long last having ripe, fresh pineapple instead of the metal cylinder type. What a shocker that was.

  18. 18.

    trollhattan

    @lee:
    That can’t be an easy road to start down–hope you uncover something great!

    What if you’re a Walton heir? Soooo conflicted. :-)

  20. 20.

    Haydnseek

    Now if someone could invent a simple tool that would do the same thing with a mango………………

  21. 21.

    Wag

    We had one of these that was made of plastic instead of metal like yours. It is a great concept, but I would strongly urge anyone tempted by the plastic version to STAY AWAY. The plastic version crushes the pineapple without effectively slicing it.

  23. 23.

    Aleta

    And then make birdhouses out of all the pineapple shells.
    (not really) (bc mold is bad for them)

    This is timely. An hour ago I finally peeled a pineapple that stood in the refrigerator for two months bc I didn’t feel like peeling it. Every winter I do that. Now that I know about these, I just need to get a sister who will give me one.

  24. 24.

    Wag

    @Mart:
    The only pineapple containing pizza that I can stomach is from Pazzo’s in Vail. The Cabo combo has shrimp, jalapenos, cilantro, garlic, and pineapple. It’s pretty good.

  25. 25.

    Steve in the ATL

    Republican trolls, Russian trolls, Bernie trolls, and now pineapples on pizza trolls. This place is getting as bad as Daily Kos!

  26. 26.

    miroker

    You actually do not need to cut off the bottom, just the top. Stop turning about 1-1/2 to 2 inches from bottom and pull it up. I found the plastic ones worked okay myself.

  27. 27.

    NotMax

    I have never used a half an onion in my life.

    Tiny onions in WV or are you partial to piling up a tower of onion slices on a sandwich or burger?

  28. 28.

    mrmoshpotato

    @Fenix: I squeeze the pineapple skin after coring and usually get at least a small glass of juice out of it.

  29. 29.

    lee

    @trollhattan: The story I got from my parents is that I was the second or third kid of a young couple that couldn’t afford another. It was San Antonio in the mid 60’s. So it’s unlikely I’m a Walton heir. The thought I have siblings is probably the most nerve wracking as I was an only child growing up. When my wife & I decided to have kids my only stipulation was that we had to have more than one. As an adult I realize there are benefits to being an only child, but growing up that way you don’t realize it at all.

    @John Cole: More likely than a Walton Heir :)

  31. 31.

    Bruuuuce

    Sadly, we have had no fresh pineapple in this house for a long time. I’m diabetic and my better half reacts badly to the enzymes in the fruit. It’s a real shame, because I love the flavor. Sometimes get the packed-in-water-no-sugar-added fruit cups ,but it’s nowhere near the same.

  32. 32.

    schrodingers_cat

    @eemom: Use your nose. Spices don’t really go bad, they just lose potency. So you have to use more quantity. Whole spices, grind them as needed in a coffee grinder, which usually lasts me for a couple of weeks. Most of these spice blends have salt, you are basically paying for the salt.

  34. 34.

    Bruuuuce

    Also, kind of surprised nobody has yet misquoted The Honeymooners: “Can it core a (pine)apple?”

  35. 35.

    HinTN

    @John Cole:

    you either cut too thick and waste edible fruit or too thin and eat the leathery dimples.

    So fucking what? It’s still pineapple.

  37. 37.

    wasabi gasp

    If sis is a reader, she’ll know you’re now short a kick in the dick.

  38. 38.

    NotMax

    Spices I’ve got galore but instead would always welcome a sampler pack of real extracts (vanilla, maple, almond, anise, etc.). YMMV.

  39. 39.

    Dorothy A. Winsor

    There is a Kentucky Derby gathering here. They are serving free mint juleps and caramel popcorn flavored with bourbon and bacon. This last thing is extremely delicious.

  42. 42.

    M. Bouffant

    As I type this there’s half an onion in the fridge (inside a former sandwich box). Now I feel cheap & will have to upgrade to a plastic onion.

  44. 44.

    PsiFighter37

    This seems like one of those fun-looking but very food-specific kitchen items that will get used a couple times and then be forever forgotten and added to the clutter.

  46. 46.

    M31

    “eat the leathery dimples” is my new favorite phrase

    EAT THE LEATHERY DIMPLES YOU OOZING TRUMPHOLE

    HEY WILMER, EAT THE LEATHERY DIMPLES

    President of the United States? More like President of EATING ALL THE LEATHERY DIMPLES

  52. 52.

    Skepticat

    And I thought I was easily entertained.
    I have a partner in crime here on the island; we trap/neuter/release and then feed dozens of cats, we foster potcake puppies, and we do a huge amount of cooking for bake sales to raise money for the shelter on the big island. She recently celebrated a birthday, and someone who knows her very well bought her a big dog crate and a smaller carrier. She said they were the absolute perfect gifts.

  53. 53.

    FlyingToaster

    @lee:

    they can come back with ‘Nope not going to tell you’ (yeah that seems weird) or ‘No information’ (which might just be a more polite version of the other).

    The first is if there’s a “seal all info” on the file, generally done at the time a child was given up for adoption. I can imagine that there’s trauma involved, so one really needs to tread carefully.

    Second case is when a baby is left at a hospital, fire station, police station, church. There isn’t any information to give, beyond probable date of birth.

    I sincerely hope it goes well for you.

  54. 54.

    Eric S.

    @trollhattan: This is so true. I would eat canned pineapple but new many people who claimed to hate it. A previous GF taught me to pick fresh pineapple. So so so much better and I’ve converted precious haters.

  56. 56.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @Blogmeister, O/P:

    Every Christmas, Annie, the younger of my two sisters, insists on sending everyone a stocking … [a bunch of words about pineapple] … My life has changed today, people.

    How does it happen that you are only now, on May the Fourth Be With You Day, just getting around to your sister’s thoughtful and generous Christmas stocking gift? (FWIW, I love that Annie does that. You not only have cool parents, JGC, you have cool siblings.)

  57. 57.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @Fenix:

    A wild pineapple is not a perfect cylinder.

    Nor is a wild jackal, FWIW. Well, maybe some of us….

  58. 58.

    mrmoshpotato

    @NotMax: Those times are called ON SALE. :P

    $3.49 was the going price last time I was shopping. Too expensive.

  60. 60.

    Suzanne

    Oh DOOD. I have that exact pineapple gizmo and I will concur that it is a life-changer. Holy balls, cutting up pineapple is irritating, and that thing makes it a DREAM.

    Plus, it does the thing where it hollows out the pineapple but leaves the outer part intact so you can put piña colada in it. If that’s your thing.

    I want a piña colada.

  62. 62.

    Mart

    When I was in South America, think Brazil, noted the pineapple was sweet. They said yes, sweeter than HI. Have since found in the local grocery. Worth a try if you have a sweet tooth.

  63. 63.

    Ohio Mom

    @trollhattan: My Dad was always buying pineapples and carefully dissecting them. It’s just one of the very few foods I sincerely don’t like in any form.

  67. 67.

    Denali

    @Lee,

    Just went to a book review of The Lonely Child, the story of a woman in New York who went on a search for her biological mother. Its an amazing story of how she uncovers a very large family in upstate New York. Because New York is a state in which adoption records are sealed, it was a long and difficult journey for her. She is currently fighting to have open adoption records in the state, but it has turned out to be a quite a battle. Her name is Susan Moyer, and she is a terrific speaker. I wish you the best in your search.

  68. 68.

    NotMax

    @Suzanne

    I want a piña colada.

    Gas station mini-mart sells them in cans.

    I suppose somebody must be buying them.

    ;)

  69. 69.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @eemom:

    Also too, the lack of fucking expiration dates on any spices of any kind. Don’t get me started.

    That’s because most of them date back to well before it was standard to show expiration dates. We usually could figure out a date range based on the price sticker (e.g., Cinnamon 39¢). I know for a fact that my aunt carted spices to Canada in 1980 that had been kicking around our house in Oak Park since the 1950s. My aunt died in 1999 and some of those McCormick basics were still on her pantry shelves — long untouched, but always a sentimental adornment to the kitchen.

  70. 70.

    Starfish

    I really love the beauty of this post. John goes on a long rant about something completely ordinary and mildly annoying and ends up contradicting himself by the end of the post by recommending a single-use kitchen gadget to the commenters.

  75. 75.

    debbie

    @eemom:

    I’ve got plenty of spices that are very, very expired, and I use them. They’re perfectly fine.

  76. 76.

    Suzanne

    @Starfish: Mr. Suzanne is very anti-single-use kitchen gadgets, but even he acknowledges the greatness of the pineapple gizmo. Sometimes something is just perfectly tailor-made for one task and it is kind of beautiful.

  78. 78.

    NotMax

    @SiubhanDuinne

    Still in the spice cabinet are a couple of all-metal tins of McCormick or Ehler’s spices.

    Don’t have much occasion to use cream of tartar other than when heavy duty cleaning aluminum pots, so age isn’t really a consideration.

  80. 80.

    jl

    I’ve tried twice to type up a comment about Cole’s post on the pineapple peeler that has truly changed his life forever. But, I just can’t. It’s kind of like trying to make a coherent and sensible comment on a six dimensional object that appeared on your doorstep.

    This post needs to be put into the BJ Blog museum of posts so it is preserved for deep study by the best, brightest, and bravest, scientists of the future.

    Thanks, Cole.

  84. 84.

    jl

    And, I vaguely remember seeing an infomercial about a the Ronko ramps-o-matic. If I can find out where to get one, I’ll send it to Cole.

  85. 85.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @NotMax:

    Somewhere in the dim recesses of my mind, I have memories of a recipe requiring Cream of Tartar. But damned if I can remember what it is. Possibly the sugar-cinnamon mixture that we poured lavishly in cored apples for the Best Baked Apples Ever. I have a vague recollection of stirring in a 1/2 tsp of CoT before loading up the apples. But I could be entirely wrong.

  87. 87.

    jl

    @John Revolta: Definitely need pix for a post on how Cole observed Naked Gardening Day. Cole does advertise this place as a full service blog.

  89. 89.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @debbie:

    I’ve got plenty of spices that are very, very expired, and I use them. They’re perfectly fine.

    I don’t think they actually go bad. I think they just lose potency, so quantities becomes an issue.

  90. 90.

    SenyorDave

    I think the Democrats should skip the middle man and run the pineapple corer itself against Trump. The corer is certainly more ethical, better spoken, has a clearer understanding of foreign policy, and in much better physical shape than the shitgibbon. And a bonus – the corer has never been caught on tape bragging about sexually assaulting pineapples of the opposite sex (whatever sex that is).

  91. 91.

    debbie

    @SiubhanDuinne:

    Heh, I know. I was resistant and then surprised when I finally tried it. The tartness of the dill pickle cuts the greasiness of the cheese very nicely.

  92. 92.

    Lyrebird

    @lee: Best wishes to ya. From the mom of someone born to someone else. Will totally support birth family search if and when, though the chances are not good of finding them.

  94. 94.

    Raven

    We had an uneventful 7 hr drive to the beach with a stop for bbq in Eufaula. I went down the beach to fish and , after a couple of lady fish I snagged a really nice just legal redfish! It’s what I come here for so to get one right of the bat is great! It was raining most of the time but right after i caught it the rain came down in sheets and I could see lightning out in the gulf. The princess came and got me half way back to the house so all is well !

  95. 95.

    Juju

    Other than my salt and pepper grinders and a cherry pitter, the only other one task tool I have is a Peugeot nutmeg grinder that works like a dream, thatI didn’t buy for myself. Once you have a Peugeot nutmeg grinder you can’t go back to a hard cheese/nutmeg rasp.

  100. 100.

    lee

    @Denali: In Texas they aren’t sealed. Just VERY difficult to open a closed adoption.

    @trollhattan: Ok…that is actually pretty cool.

    @Lyrebird: Interesting that you said that. My mom was adamant that I not search for my birth parents. She passed about a decade ago. My dad supports the search. I’ve finally got the nerve to do it.

    Thanks everyone for their support. I’ll update if anything interesting (or not) comes up.

  103. 103.

    tybee

    @Raven: damn. way cool. i’ve seen pictures of them but i’ve not seen one in person.
    as an aside, i used to live close enough to Eufaula to go fishing in lake eufaula regularly.
    great bass fishing.
    or used to be.
    been many moons ago.
    friends of mine are down around St.Marks this week.

  104. 104.

    Suzanne

    @Starfish: I have a Microplane. I love it…..use it for citrus zesting all the time. And I live in Citrus Central, so it gets used frequently. Mine is a bit bent from getting caught and slammed in a drawer, but it still works.

    Microplane also makes foot files. I can testify that my heel calluses are well-managed with it. I don’t keep it in the kitchen.

  110. 110.

    Juju

    @p.a.: not that I know of. Peugeot was actually known for their kitchen tools long before their cars.

  112. 112.

    catclub

    @Mart:

    Love me some pineapple and jalapeno pepper pizza

    How about jalapeno jelly? I like that.

  113. 113.

    jl

    @chris: ‘ Strawberry huller. ‘

    What is it about strawberries that needs to be hulled? Have I been eating them wrong all these years?

  114. 114.

    Annie (the sister who sends crap)

    He does not realize, that that was my goal. To send anything and everything in order to find the game changer in his life. Mission accomplished.

  116. 116.

    PST

    Completely off topic, but I had a perfect dog day. It is beautiful in Chicago, even if not very warm, and the best day in ages for a long adventure with Bernie. We were able to have brunch outside, walk through a street fair while it was setting up, meeting dozens of people and dogs, and then spend an hour with dogs in the park. Considering we had snow last weekend, it’s like a miracle. Then dinner was outside too and the woman at the next table spent an hour fussing over Bernie, to her great joy, and trying to talk her husband into getting one just like her. As if there were another dog that sweet. And I walked four miles, which was great because I’ve had Achilles tendinitis that has only now finally resolved after months. Dogs are the best.

  117. 117.

    Robert Harvey

    I’m pretty good at skinning a pineapple. It squirms a lot less than a rabbit.

  124. 124.

    Raven

    @PST: it’s hard being at the beach with our aging pups. Lil Bit never liked the water much but the Bohdi was so fast and he always drew a crowd bounding into the surf after his ball. Now he can barely make it down to the water and the cops are such a pain in the ass it’s almost not worth it. They give you a warning and take your name the first time and then it’s a hefty fine. We’re trying not to think it’s either if their last trip but it is hard.

  126. 126.

    Raven

    @eemom: we used to laugh at them for being a hair band. Most of my people had gone country or no depression by then

  127. 127.

    Mr Stagger Lee

    @donnah: Intriguing, I got to try that.
    O/t in year of scandal where numerous horses died at Santa Ana now the Kentucky Derby DQ the winning horse.
    So Juciers, who among you had the 65-1 Country House.

  128. 128.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @catclub:

    Strawberry huller is one of the less likely porn names.

    I believe I have mentioned here that the paint color of my GMC is “Mocha Steel,” which I think is one of the best stripper names ever.

  129. 129.

    TomatoQueen

    @Haydnseek: Here is the mango mangler I have used: https://www.amazon.com/Mango-slicer-Slicer-Peeler-Remover/dp/B07QB6V39F/ref=asc_df_B07QB6V39F/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=343955807667&hvpos=1o3&hvnetw=g&hvrand=12671782454052046803&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9008191&hvtargid=pla-727633714319&psc=1&tag=&ref=&adgrpid=72020982434&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvadid=343955807667&hvpos=1o3&hvnetw=g&hvrand=12671782454052046803&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9008191&hvtargid=pla-727633714319, almost as big as that url sheesh. It works. But then one discovers the frozen mango slices, next to the vanilla ice cream.

  130. 130.

    Wapiti

    @NotMax: I repurposed one of my old all-metal spice tins to hold table salt. Being able to take out a teaspoon (or whatever) of salt and strike off the top is good for my OCD. Pouring from the half-pound round carton always has me wondering if I have 10% too much. Yeah, it means I have two salt containers in the cabinet, but I’m fine with that.

  131. 131.

    Immanentize

    @donnah: I was going to mention snickerdoodles. Mmmmmm.

    As said above, meringue and angel food cake from scratch (which is like a big meringue with a bit of flour, together with snickerdoodles are the three things I use Creme of Tartar in.

    And when the Immp was young, home made play dough.

  134. 134.

    Immanentize

    @eemom:

    REO Speedwagon

    We just referred to a bunch of similar sounding groups as Journey-o Styx Wagon. I am certain to have offended someone.

  135. 135.

    Chetan Murthy

    @Haydnseek: Why, uh, they *have*. I don’t know how to post a picture to this Interweb thingie, but here’s a few links I found with a pic:

    http://amcohouseworks.com/2-in-1-mango-tool.html
    https://www.pinterest.com/pin/48061921034945856/

    And HOOBOY does it change mangoes! I get, like 12 at a time, pit ’em, remove the flesh, and freeze in Ziploc tubs. Later, with almost-decayed bananas and yogurt, SMOOTHIES!

    Like John’s pineapple corer, A single-use tool that changed my life!

  137. 137.

    Amir Khalid

    @jl:
    I guess that either there are strawberry recipes where you mustn’t use the core of the fruit, or there are some really delicate strawberry eaters out there.

  140. 140.

    Immanentize

    @Amir Khalid: I think you buy that strawberry husker, the grape peeler and the electric fork as a package deal on Amazon this month.

  141. 141.

    Chetan Murthy

    @Chetan Murthy: I forgot to mention that the “blades” aren’t sharpened — just the flat metal. So you can’t cut yourself. And with a little practice,I find that I can really scoop out all the flesh, *all* *all *ALL* the flesh. Which is nice. *grin*

  142. 142.

    Mike in NC

    My dad was in the Pacific Theater 1943-45 and after he came home he refused to eat pineapple for the rest of his life.

  144. 144.

    CatFacts

    @Mr Stagger Lee: I don’t bet on that stuff, but yeah, whoever had bet on Country House is pretty happy right now! Others not so much…

    After watching the slomo replay, I can see why the winning horse was disqualified, though. Definitely caused a foul by spooking in front of the horse behind it, and could easily have caused a pileup of the whole field.

  145. 145.

    opiejeanne

    @Mr Stagger Lee: that racetrack is Santa Anita. Santa Ana doesn’t have a racetrack.

    And according to my father Anita Baldwin weren’t no saint.

  146. 146.

    Jamey

    I bought a pineapple corer/slicer last year at Aldi and it’s changed my life!

  147. 147.

    Raven

    I’m lying on a hanging bed in the porch wit Lil Bit next to me. I can hear the surf and smell the magnolias. I have to remember that it’s been almost a year since she nearly died and here she is. Every day is a gift.

  149. 149.

    Immanentize

    Why not assist all.

    IMBED-A-LINK tutorial:.

    Why go the old school “tiny URL” route when Balloon Juice developers and programs have created the amazing LINK power for all commenters.

    When you are writing your comment, look up! See that third button that says ” link? That is the key to creating fast , compact and useful imbedded links.

    How does it work?
    1) Go to the URL you wish to share and copy it. Same as when you just drop a huge link into your comment.
    2). Come back to BJ and push that “link” button mentioned above.
    3). Copy your big ol link on that line. WARNING! you will probably have to delete the “HTTP:” prompt on that line because your copied link already has an http prompt in it.
    4). Hit OK
    5) You have been returned to your comment by magic. Type what you want and then —
    This is very important!–
    Close your link by hitting that link button again.

    Voila. So what was a huge long comment killing tl;dr becomes something beautiful like this:
    TomatoQueen’s Mango Mangler

    Love, Imm

  150. 150.

    Steeplejack

    @PST:

    Sounds like a great day!

    Gray and humid here in NoVA, so I stayed inside and puttered around. Still getting used to my new phone (Galaxy S10e) and getting all the little details configured the way I want. I’ve got a Caesar salad with grilled chicken strips waiting for dinner. Might be something on TV—haven’t checked yet. Nats-Phillies game on right now.

  152. 152.

    Juju

    @Immanentize: Any angel food cake that is not made from scratch is an abomination. Angel food cake mixes are also an abomination. Bleh. I didn’t know that snickerdoodles called for cream of tatar.

  154. 154.

    Juju

    @chris: if I buy fresh strawberries I either dip them in chocolate or make strawberry daiquiris. Sometimes I will make a tart, but that’s about it.

    I jet your jam is great.

  156. 156.

    debbie

    @eemom:

    I make pumpkin pie a couple of times every year because nieces and nephews love it. I just checked: the cloves expired in 2004. There’s been no change in the taste, and no one’s keeled over yet.

  157. 157.

    Immanentize

    @Juju: I made an angel food cake from scratch two years ago. It was so great. Light, not too sweet, really not cakey at all. But, let’s be honest, a huge ordeal — a full day of prep and baking.

    But I will never make or eat anything but made-from-scratch again. Just not often.

  159. 159.

    lgerard

    The highlight of the Derby was seeing Matt Blevins relentlessly booed during the presentation ceremony

  161. 161.

    Juju

    @debbie: I have cloves that are old enough to vote and I’ve used them. I never knew cloves could expire.

  164. 164.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @Juju:

    I used to make a mean strawberry shortcake, but haven’t in years. Need to get back to that.

  165. 165.

    miroker

    @eemom: Ran into some of the members when they were playing at the county fair here and after they ran up a $200 tab, left a $2 tip. What a joke.

    @eemom:

  167. 167.

    Immanentize

    @Raven: My godfather was a cook in Italy in WWII. To call him a cook was a stretch. My favorite story was as they were pushing north, he and his buddies would buy (maybe not buy?) Some eggs from the locals. They would take the whole eggs, shells and all, and squash them into the dried eggs they made for the forty plus guys they had to feed any given morning. People complained about shells in their eggs, but they never figured out they were not eating fresh.

  175. 175.

    Quiltingfool

    @SiubhanDuinne: Snickerdoodle cookies require cream of tartar…I’ve made them without cream of tartar and they don’t taste right.

  176. 176.

    Immanentize

    @debbie: Have we talked pumpkin pie? I have my grandmother’s old recipe which uses a mix of old time spices instead of “all spice” whatever that is. It makes for a different experience.

  182. 182.

    Juju

    @Immanentize: what recipe were you using? Making the batter never took me more than a half hour, it’s the cooling the cake upside down that takes a long time. If you’re watching that, it really isn’t necessary. It cools on it’s own.

    I have a number of recipes that call for yolks but not the whites. When I make those things i save the whites in a glass jar and freeze them. When I have enough whites I just thaw and let come to room temperature. I don’t need to separate the eggs because that’s done already. That’s probably why my prep time is reduced. I’ve also been making angel food cake for at least 30 years now. I know all the shortcuts.

  184. 184.

    NotMax

    @chris

    Booklet that came with the super duper bread machine includes instructions and recipes for using it to make jams. Maybe one of these days….

  188. 188.

    Immanentize

    @Amir Khalid:
    Electric carving knives were all the rage in the 70s. My parents had one to mangle the roast or the turkey with minimum labor. The gag joke de jour to complete the set! was the electric fork that plugged in, but did nothing.

  189. 189.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    @Death Panel Truck: Exactly… my wife uses one to make pineapple chunks for pizza (Canadian bacon, pepperoni, black olive & pineapple… mmmmm!) and salads.

    Civilized people have accepted that pineapple on pizza is just fine. :)

  190. 190.

    Steve in the ATL

    @lgerard: thank god the Derby was this weekend so we were spared his assholery at our college reunion

  191. 191.

    Sab

    @Juju: My last angel food cake I made in 1972. Somebody slammed a door, and I could hear it fall from where I was on the second floor. It came out an inch high and the texture of mozzarella.

  196. 196.

    Immanentize

    @Juju: Yikes! It’s the whites beaten to fluffy loveliness that makes the angel food cake work. I don’t think mine has a yolk in it. I have to dream up uses for yolks because the recipe calls for at least 8 whites IIRC. Yolks end up in a fabulous carbonara sauce I make.

  197. 197.

    The Dangerman

    Is the owner of the Derby Winner (Maximum Security) a known conservative? If so, Trump gonna have another meltdown. Hell, he might have a meltdown regardless.

  198. 198.

    chris

    @Juju: Friend owns a strawberry farm so I eat a lot of them in season. And freeze them, etc. I give away some of the jam and keep the rest for breakfast through the winter. A little taste of summer on a dreary February morning is a fine thing.

  199. 199.

    Immanentize

    @Raven: Roach.

    ETA. I love the manic chatter of the machine Gunners and the total quiet cool that depends when they get him.

  202. 202.

    Juju

    @Immanentize: I think all spice is a real spice, not just a mix of spices. It’s power is that it enhances most spices. When you taste it by itself it’s hard to identify exactly what it is. I could google it, but I’m too lazy right now.

    The one I don’t get is using nutmeg and mace in the same recipe. Mace is the outer shell of a nutmeg and they taste the same.

  203. 203.

    Dev Null

    I know that I should read the preceding 194 (as I type) comments, but life is short, and Balloon Juice comment sections are long. (So sue me…)

    I have very little to contribute, other than to say:

    I read this to The Spousal Unit and #2 Daughter.

    They were highly amused.

    Thanks, Annie! Your efforts have not been in vain. You have performed above and beyond!

    Semper Fi!

  206. 206.

    Immanentize

    @Juju: disagree about mace. It has a bitter quality nutmeg doesn’t. It somehow leaves the tongue in a way different place than nutmeg. Taste test sometime. You would never substitute nutmeg for mace in mincemeat would you?

  209. 209.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    @Raven: Just finished building a new raised bed box for Ms. Manatee’s garden and am now getting ready to move everything around to prep for a bunch of soil on Monday. IOW, early Mother’s Day stuff… ;) Also scored a deal last week on a 2007 Toyota Sienna LE w/ 121,000 miles on it for $6,400. We went up to Portland to visit my wife’s cousin and ended up grabbing the Toy while we were there as it was too good of a deal to pass on. Cherry condition, inside and out.

    How are you are yours doing? Hopefully well! :)

  210. 210.

    Juju

    @Immanentize: ooh that sounds like a nice use of yolks, and no, yolks are not used in angel food cake. The recipe I use calls for a cup of whites and that can be anywhere from 10 to 14 egg whites, depending on the size of the egg.

  211. 211.

    debbie

    @Immanentize:

    Allspice is a berry, and the substitute for it is cinnamon, cloves, and nutmeg. I have allspice, but it’s not in the pumpkin pie recipe I use (cloves, ginger, cinnamon). I have a very expired tin of allspice, but I can’t think of when I used it.

  212. 212.

    chris

    @NotMax: Jam is pretty easy to make especially if you go the Certo (pectin) route. I’ve never used a bread machine for anything and can’t quite see how it would work. Please take pictures ;-)

  214. 214.

    Raven

    @Odie Hugh Manatee: Great! We’re at the beach and Intend to fish my ass off. This is the one year anniversary of my bride retiring and I’m getting short things are jammin!

  215. 215.

    Juju

    @Immanentize: I’d never make mincemeat. I have tasted mace and nutmeg separately and I didn’t catch the bitterness. The mace was also probably old enough to vote, or at least get its learner’s permit, so that may have been why I missed the bitterness. In other words, old spice.

  216. 216.

    Sab

    @Immanentize: Glad to hear that about mace v nutmeg, because I spent days looking for mace at Christmas. The big chain groceries don’t carry it in my hick city. Finally found it at our organic grocery store.

  218. 218.

    joel hanes

    @SiubhanDuinne:

    a recipe requiring Cream of Tartar.

    IIRC, a kind of cookie requires a little cream of tartar because it makes the dough semi-fluid so the cookie spreads out on the sheet. Before I look : snickerdoodles ?
    [ looked ]
    Yes!

    When she was about ten, my granddaughter wasn’t so clear about teaspoons and tablespoons, and made a batch that were very thin and very wide and inedible.

    When I was a sprout, my mom had alum in the spice cabinet.
    I have no idea what kind of recipe uses alum.

  222. 222.

    Immanentize

    @debbie: As my son would say — game changer! I made my own chinese 5 spice instead of buying the store version. My oh my. How much better -; tongue numbing — it is

    My G-Mom’s pumpkin pie recipe has cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, clove and mace. I want a piece right now!

  228. 228.

    Immanentize

    @Juju: I misread your first comment. You said you had recipes that only call for yolks — I thought you meant angel food recipes….

    I make quickie hollandaise which leaves me with extra whites. I never thought of freezing them. Thanks.

  230. 230.

    Sab

    @Immanentize: @Sab: It’s weird how we aren’t noticing how our choices are shrinking. My great grandmother could find mace in her little farm town in Wisconsin. It’s in a lot of her cookie recipes. I could find it when I was young. Now it’s a major search to find basic spices that used to be available everywhere.

  234. 234.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    @Raven: Great to hear and may they stay that way! :) Well, break over, back to the garden.

  235. 235.

    NotMax

    @Sab

    Whole Foods here has a wide selection of spices (all over the map when it comes to prices). The only local source which consistently stocks poppy seeds.

  236. 236.

    Shana

    @Mart: My home town has a pizzeria whose specialty is canadian bacon and sauerkraut pizza. It’s a place called Happy Joe’s. Evidently the founder was stuck in the upper Midwest during a snow storm and had to make due with whatever was available and came up with this version. It’s not quite pineapple and won’t be for everyone, but it’s surprisingly tasty.

  238. 238.

    Sab

    @Immanentize: Oh yes. We have one about 40 miles away in the big city (Cleveland). Maybe I should start making semi-annual spice shopping trips. That’s probably what my great grandmother did.

  239. 239.

    sfinny

    Late to the thread, but OMG I was trying to figure out what that thing in the drawer was. I love Pineapple and have had one of these corers for decades, but never know what they were for. I am trying to get ready to leave for Ecuador on Monday, otherwise I would be searching out my pineapple corer right now.

  240. 240.

    Ladyraxterinok

    @Barbara: My gramma (d 1961) made watermelon pickles. Have never met anyone as an adult who’s even heard of such pickles.

  241. 241.

    Sab

    @NotMax: Don’t do Whole Foods since founder went all in against Obamacare, which my life depended on at the time. My health issue is a congenital heart defect, not unhealthy life style. I hold grudges on some issues.

  242. 242.

    Ladyraxterinok

    @Ladyraxterinok: Her dad from IA fought in the Union army, and she grew up in a sod house in Western NE on land he and wife homesteaded after the war.

  243. 243.

    chris

    @NotMax: Now I see! Thanks. Wouldn’t work for me because I make 24 jars of strawberry jam at a time but it would be a nice complement to your fresh warm bread. Blueberries are a big deal here in Nova Scotia. There are big farms and an oversupply so I can and do buy a five pound box of wild blueberries for $15-20 every year and freeze them in bags for the winter. In season I just go outside with a bowl and pick dessert. Bit of sugar and cream and yum!

  244. 244.

    Bill Arnold

    @lee:
    How old are ya? (Approximately; just curious because there’s a male-baby-given-up-for-adoption story in my family; never pursued the matter but genetics can be interesting.)

  245. 245.

    NotMax

    @Ladyraxterinok

    Readily found in areas with a population or heritage of Pennsylvania Dutch/Amish.

    So is chow-chow, but that’s a pickling of a different color.

  249. 249.

    debbie

    @Raven:

    Jesus, my memory. There’s a lot of chaos at work, and I always cite that line. I guess I need to rewatch it.

  250. 250.

    Ladyraxterinok

    @chris: We spent 76-77 on sabbatical in Newfoundland. Oh the joys and wonders of going out into the country and picking big fat blueberries!!

  252. 252.

    NotMax

    @chris

    Way back in the ever dimming mists of time when made candles as a seasonal sideline, those with Atlantic High Bush Blueberry scent were great sellers.

  253. 253.

    Ladyraxterinok

    @chris: Your national museum Louisbourg is fabulous!

    Canada has incredible national museums. The trading fort complex at Thunder Bay is also wonderful.

  254. 254.

    Ladyraxterinok

    @NotMax: Her mother’s family can be traced back to PA, so that’s interesting. (PA to MD to IL to IA). Her dad’s too. (Germany to PA to Shenandoah Valley VA to IA)

  256. 256.

    chris

    @NotMax: Most of the wild berries are lowbush but I do know where there are some wild highbush berries. Haven’t been up there in years because it’s a hard slog in and the bears and the birds get most of the berries. There are lots of cultivated highbush varieties now that yield big fat berries but I find them, like so many of those things, mostly tasteless compared to my ditch berries.

  259. 259.

    gogiggs

    Up here in Ohio, one state north, they have those in the grocery stores, so you can core that pineapple in the store before you even buy it!
    That said, it is a wonder device and fresh pineapple is delicious.

  260. 260.

    J R in WV

    @Eric S.:

    A previous GF taught me to pick fresh pineapple. So so so much better and I’ve converted precious haters.

    Just never use fresh pineapple in attempting to bake a pineapple upside down cake. The enzymes in the fresh pineapple juice digest parts of the batter, which do not bake as such, but turn slimy. Worse than terrible. I did one for a big party next door and it was horrible just to see!

    And Cheryl Rofer warned me in a comment I posted just before I commenced baking, which I didn’t see until the thing was in the oven. So glad it didn’t destroy the oven!!! Monstrous horrible thing in my bigest black iron skillet.

  261. 261.

    J R in WV

    @Steeplejack:

    They go great with gas station sushi.

    Back when wife was on the road a lot, she stopped at a big gas station that sold shushi in one end of the building, and fish-bait in the other end. I guess the coffee was in the middle?

  262. 262.

    J R in WV

    @Juju:

    Peugeot was actually known for their kitchen tools long before their cars.

    My mom in the long ago got me a Peugeot pepper grinder – it’s a huge club of a thing, intended for restaurants where it would be too big to steal. A Great kitchen tool, even if it is one purpose, a one trick pony. We do call it the pepper club.

  263. 263.

    Singing Truth to Power

    I’m pretty good at cutting up pineapple with just a knife, and it doesn’t take really long. I’ve tried the tools like the one Cole got, but don’t like the huge amount of waste. My solution is to buy the big bags of Costco frozen pineapple chunks. Almost every piece is perfect, and it lasts really well in the freezer. I can pull out a few chunks for a smoothie or for fruit salad any time. Makes me quite happy/

  264. 264.

    Juju

    @J R in WV: I have a Peugeot salt and pepper grinder and they both work beautifully. I believe Peugeot started with hand crank coffee grinders, but I may be mistaken. I would love to have the baseball bat grinder size, but it must take a while to go through the amount of pepper it holds.

  265. 265.

    J R in WV

    @Immanentize:

    @debbie: Have we talked pumpkin pie? I have my grandmother’s old recipe which uses a mix of old time spices instead of “all spice” whatever that is. It makes for a different experience.

    In spite of the perhaps cornfusing name, Allspice is not some blend of “all spices” — it is on its own a spice:

    Wikipedia says:

    Allspice, also called pimento, Jamaica pimento, Jamaica pepper, pimenta, or myrtle pepper, is the dried unripe fruit (berries, used as a spice) of Pimenta dioica, a midcanopy tree native to the Greater Antilles, southern Mexico, and Central America, now cultivated in many warm parts of the world.

    The unground spice is round hard dried spheres of smells great, tastes good too flavor. I smash them in a mortar and pestle and grind them into a fine powder as needed. Used in lots of Carribean, Cuban and Jamaican recipes.

  266. 266.

    J R in WV

    @Juju:

    … I believe Peugeot started with hand crank coffee grinders, but I may be mistaken….

    I don’t fill the pepper club up, I just pour in most of a bottle, and keep it most bottled to stay fresher. I don’t know but it would take years to use the whole thing full up. We go through a full bottle of peppercorns in a few months — but the full Club would hold many bottles of peppercorns.

    Would love to have a Peugeot coffee grinder…

  267. 267.

    J R in WV

    @Juju:

    The one I don’t get is using nutmeg and mace in the same recipe. Mace is the outer shell of a nutmeg and they taste the same.

    Nope, they taste quite a bit different to me. Mace is sharper, the only way I know to describe the differences. The way green onions taste different from the white bulb part to the green tops.

  268. 268.

    Juju

    @J R in WV: that description works. It was pointed out to me further up the thread that mace is a sharper flavor than nutmeg. I figured the reason my mace was bland is because it’s rather old, and has lost some of its zip over the years.

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