Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Impressively dumb. Congratulations.

When your entire life is steeped in white supremacy, equality feels like discrimination.

rich, arrogant assholes who equate luck with genius

Historically it was a little unusual for the president to be an incoherent babbling moron.

And now I have baud making fun of me. this day can’t get worse.

We need to vote them all out and restore sane Democratic government.

I’m more Christian than these people and I’m an atheist.

Give the craziest people you know everything they want and hope they don’t ask for more? Great plan.

Roe isn’t about choice, it’s about freedom.

The US Supreme Court is on the ballot in november.

Republicans got rid of McCarthy. Democrats chose not to save him.

There is no compromise when it comes to body autonomy. You either have it or you don’t.

Hi god, it’s us. Thanks a heap, you’re having a great week and it’s only Thursday!

The worst democrat is better than the best republican.

Too often we confuse noise with substance. too often we confuse setbacks with defeat.

Nikki Haley, who can’t acknowledge ‘slavery’, is a pathetic shill.

He really is that stupid.

Imperialist aggressors must be defeated, or the whole world loses.

“What are Republicans afraid of?” Everything.

Russia bombs Ukraine’s maternity hospitals; Republicans in the House can’t sort out supporting Ukraine.

Cancel the cowardly WaPo and set up an equivalent monthly donation to ProPublica.

FFS people, this was a good thing. take the win.

“Jesus paying for the sins of everyone is an insult to those who paid for their own sins.”

We won’t go back.

You are here: Home / Balloon Juice / Readership Capture / Things I Have Learned During Quarantine

Reader Interactions

90Comments

  7. 7.

    WaterGirl

    John, I liked your hat in one of the photos in your twitter feed on the right.  Are you wearing a hat because of the unfortunate “incident” with the hair clippers?

  8. 8.

    CaseyL

    I thought you had already learned this, during that epic episode of Shaving Steve’s Ass, and its sequel, The Bandages Will Come Off Any Day Now.

  9. 9.

    trollhattan

    Ha-ha-ha, classic Cole!

    I’d start with something easy, like a possum, then work my way up to a Steve–a cat to be reckoned with.

  12. 12.

    p.a.

    I’m thinking ‘shave cat’ on a digital calendar is one of those [edit] , [reschedule] chores that keeps getting pushed back. And back.

  13. 13.

    kindness

    Poor John.  Shredded & needing to go to the ER because of cat attack during a covid-19 pandemic.  Isn’t it a hair early to shave him?

  15. 15.

    Poe Larity

    This lockdown is clearly afflicting you – don’t you know you have to shower them first?

  20. 20.

    OzarkHillbilly

    Shaving Percy is no picnic either. We have made at least a half dozen attempts and even with him on doggie downers have yet to accomplish a complete success.

  21. 21.

    ET

    Should we send help or should we take it as a sign that you are OK that you are posting this?

  22. 22.

    hueyplong

    There’s a Mr Darwin holding on line 2.

    At least I think that’s his name.  Dude was laughing.

  24. 24.

    danielx

    Speaking from experience long ago I can say that unless you are possessed of cat tranquilizers, it is definitely a two person job. One attempt at that particular task (with two people!) was enough to convince me to leave it to professionals.

    John, really – you should know better by now given some of your experiences with Tunch the Mighty.

    ETA: will you need stitches, or did the damage stop at minor lacerations?

  25. 25.

    A Ghost to Most

    Major plus for short haired cats. That would lead to bloodshed with my guard cat.

  31. 31.

    MomSense

    My dog’s anxiety  was worsening so I started giving her CBD oil and it calmed her right down.  The vet suggested starting her on Prozac and she seems to be taking to it well.  I already notice a difference, but it will be about a month before we see the full results.

  32. 32.

    tokyokie

    Two words of advice from somebody who’s lived with lots of cats over the years: welders gloves

     

    They also come in handy when barbecuing.

  34. 34.

    joel hanes

    I’ve been trying to think of how to devise cat restraints, and not having much success.

    I think even Steve, with his huge paws, would be able to withdraw them through knotted-bandana wrist “cuffs”.

  36. 36.

    MobiusKlein

    Be careful!  In various DnD versions, a Cat will kill a level 1 Commoner most of the time.

  37. 37.

    Le Comte de Monte Cristo, fka Edmund Dantes

    I’ve got a clumpy long haired cat, too. He hates brushing, and they show up mid back, and go to the base of the tail.

    I usually cut them off close, but they’re worse this year.

    Hints?

  39. 39.

    tokyokie

    Oh, and a trick I learned from my vet, before starting, heavily wrap the cat’s paws (especially the front ones) in masking tape before the procedure. The cat can remove it fairly quickly after things settle down and won’t hurt itself doing so, unlike with, say, duct tape or shipping tape.

  40. 40.

    Kent

    I never knew shaving a cat was even a thing until I started reading this blog.  And we have had maybe 10 cats over the years.  I guess they were all short-haired.

  41. 41.

    West of the Cascades

    There Will Be Blood.

    I successfully clipped my cats’ claws yesterday, but only because I finally got some tranquilizer from the vet back at a regular visit in February – my bigger cat hates the process and made it unbearable (my smaller cat hates the process but is easier to wrangle). No blood drawn on anyone’s part, and it’s nicer to have them knead my stomach now.

  44. 44.

    Gravenstone

    @Le Comte de Monte Cristo, fka Edmund Dantes: My cats are short haired, so your mileage may vary but my vet gave me a flea comb when I was having similar problems with one of my cats. Just slowly tease it along under the clump and it will gradually work it loose. I never did completely remove the clump because it feels like pulling fur to the cat, but did get it loosened enough for my cat to groom it free.herself in following days

  45. 45.

    Mnemosyne

    I learned that I am really bad at cutting our cats’ nails.

    Also that the quick of a cat’s nail bleeds like a motherfucker if the clippers slip.

  47. 47.

    J.

    Could we get a selfie of you and Steve, to see which of you has the better (or worse) haircut? :-)

    Also, harder than you anticipated? I would think it would be darn near impossible without drugs and a small army. Hope you weren’t too badly injured.

  56. 56.

    geg6

    I have learned that I hate working at home and never want to do it again.  This was a big revelation because I always thought working from home would be great.  Well, now I know.  It sucks donkey balls.

    I have also learned that there comes a point when I will allow my John to cut my hair.  When I was out the other day, I picked up a pair of hair shears for that very purpose.  I have had super short hair for the last 35 years and I’m not into growing it long ever again.  So, the plan is to have him trim around my ears and I will hack away at my bangs.  It won’t look I went to the hair salon for my girl to style my hair, but it will keep the hair from tickling my ears and covering my eyes.

  57. 57.

    Mnemosyne

    @J.:

    We all survived and we were able to get the bleeding stopped. I did discover that my husband has no idea what a styptic pencil is, which was an interesting thing to find out in an emergency that required one.

  58. 58.

    BigJimSlade

    @MomSense: No, I haven’t seen the latest, but I’ll have to keep an eye out for it! I was at a friend’s just before the lockdown and we were watching a couple of these – he hadn’t heard that one or… Business Time!

  60. 60.

    LeftCoastYankee

    Like gram always said:  Some people’s purpose in life is to serve as an example warning to others.

  62. 62.

    Leto

    @geg6: I’ve had, roughly, the same haircut for 22 years. I’ve gone without a hair cut now for two months and I might go insane. Do I need to go out and get it professionally “did”… not at all. Avalune keeps telling me that “we” wanted to let it grow out and then reshape it into what I’m going to do next. All I know is, it’s touching my ears…

  63. 63.

    Greenergood

    Shaving?? Can’t you just give him some tuna in front of him and then give him a quick, surreptitious haircut?

  64. 64.

    jimmiraybob

    Always wearing a hat with a GoPro attached could have some fund-raising possibilities.

  65. 65.

    Roger Moore

    @geg6: 

    I have learned that I hate working at home and never want to do it again.

    I don’t like working from home, but I like working at work even less right now. It’s mostly empty, so I don’t have anyone to talk to or ask for help if I have problems, and I’m required to wear a mask all the time except when I’m eating my lunch. The only thing that is even remotely positive about it is that the parking situation is better than when everything is open.

  68. 68.

    sukabi

    Hope you stocked up on gauze and antiseptic prior to your cat shaving adventure.

    Have you recovered enough to post a picture of your handiwork?

  69. 69.

    ziggy

    @Mnemosyne: I did discover that my husband has no idea what a styptic pencil is, which was an interesting thing to find out in an emergency that required one.

    That reminds me of a story from a while back. My boyfriend at the time had just had a wisdom tooth out. I was kind of hanging out/being the nurse. He started to bleed and told me, through his gauzy mouth, that he needed a “styptic pencil”. I, of course, had never heard of that, and asked him to try and repeat it several times. He had a bit of an anger issue, so what followed was several minutes of him screaming “styptic pencil!”, blood spattering everywhere, and me screaming “what the H*** are you talking about?!”. Finally got out the writing utensil and figured things out, located one at a drugstore.

  70. 70.

    low-tech cyclist

    As it turns out, shaving a cat is much harder than I anticipated.

    We’ll put that one in the “no one could have foreseen” file.

  74. 74.

    Lawrence

    John, my man, what did you expect to happen? My last surviving cat is Boo Boo, a, I estimate, 19 year old tuxedo male. Splendid beast. About 18 years ago, shortly after my wife and I adopted him and his dear departed sister, I received a text from my wife saying he had got himself dirty and she gave him a bath. I grew up with cats. She did not. I replied, “How did that go?” Claws and jaws and fuck it, we’re done. I could have told her. The one time I force bathed a cat was when he was compelled to retreat from a dog under my POS car that leaked transmission fluid and got said stuff all over him.

  75. 75.

    Ruckus

    @danielx:

    The ornery bastard, my old rescue cocker,  was not allowed back in 3 groomers and so I had to groom him my own self. Sit on the floor, back against the wall, dog in one arm – around his chest – his back to me. Never, ever let go. With power clippers with a lowish trim attachment, work fast and really don’t worry about style, it grows back soon enough. Oh and never forget the muzzle! He won’t regret it – but you will. I could do his back easy enough but legs, sides and chest, NFW. All that was once a month.

  76. 76.

    Leto

    @Villago Delenda Est: I think he’s collecting more tales for his book, “Mustard, Mopping, and my Suburu: Tales from WV”. This tale would be listed under, “Near Death Experiences”.

  78. 78.

    Ruckus

    @geg6:

    Nature gave me the shortest haircut possible – basically I am bald. At first I was unacceptable to this but shortly I found it to be much easier to care for.

  79. 79.

    Sab

    @SiubhanDuinne: It is difficult to photograph a cat while you are shaving him. It is difficult to shave a cat, period. If he ( John) had help he wouldn’t have a story. If he ( Steve) had help, we wouldn’t have a blog.

  80. 80.

    Sab

    @Ruckus: Bought spouse scrunchies today on weekly grocery trip. If he grows a man bun I will cut his hair off in his sleep and blame it on our dog, conveniently named Delilah.

  82. 82.

    beth

    @Mnemosyne: my vet just had a Facebook post up saying you can use flour in a pinch if you don’t have a styptic pencil. She says to keep a small bag of it in the freezer to use when cutting pets’ nails at home.

  86. 86.

    Ruckus

    @Sab:

    At one point in my life I had hair. Lots of hair. Lots of lots of hair. At one point I was considering a pony tail. The words fuck that crossed my mind. So I kept it about 2-4 inches below my shoulders. Also had a  full beard, about 5 inches below my chin. Then gravity struck. All that hair from on top my head? Poof – gone, in what seemed like an instant. Well not gone completely, it now grows out of my ears. The beard is still here but gray and white. Am I old you ask? Why yes I am…..

     

    Oh and man bun? A man bun? Has he no respect………

  88. 88.

    laura

    Man, even though the days have been slipping by, I had no idea it was already shitmas. Cole’s report out after the cat shave is going to be lit!

  90. 90.

    delosgatos

    I know I’m chiming in late, but oh please make that one of the rotating taglines!

Comments are closed.