Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Why did Dr. Oz lose? well, according to the exit polls, it’s because Fetterman won.

We are builders in a constant struggle with destroyers. let’s win this.

Accountability, motherfuckers.

🎶 Those boots were made for mockin’ 🎵

Insiders who complain to politico: please report to the white house office of shut the fuck up.

Reality always lies in wait for … Democrats.

Putin must be throwing ketchup at the walls.

It’s the corruption, stupid.

Too often we hand the biggest microphones to the cynics and the critics who delight in declaring failure.

Yeah, with this crowd one never knows.

Optimism opens the door to great things.

But frankly mr. cole, I’ll be happier when you get back to telling us to go fuck ourselves.

My years-long effort to drive family and friends away has really paid off this year.

Battle won, war still ongoing.

Being the leader of the world means to be the leader of peace.

I did not have this on my fuck 2022 bingo card.

Speaking of republicans, is there a way for a political party to declare intellectual bankruptcy?

Why is it so hard for them to condemn hate?

Technically true, but collectively nonsense

I like you, you’re my kind of trouble.

Let us savor the impending downfall of lawless scoundrels who richly deserve the trouble barreling their way.

No one could have predicted…

Let’s delete this post and never speak of this again.

You are here: Home / Past Elections / 2020 Elections / The Book of Trump: Chapter Two

The Book of Trump: Chapter Two

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The Book of Trump: Chapter Three

THE BOOK OF TRUMP

Chapter Two

1 Now it came to pass in those days that Donald of the Tribe of Trump did seek his father’s favour.

2 And with his father, he mocked his elder brother, Frederick the Younger; and with his father, he did visit the residents of the Apartments which his father Frederick had builded; and he did collect from them the portion called rent. 3 And all these things he did to secure the love and blessing of his father.

4 And his father Frederick smiled upon his son, who was called Donald, and unto his son he gave much gold; but gave him not the love that Donald sought of him.

5 Therefore, Donald journeyed to the remote land of Manhattan, to seek great wealth and fame among men; and lo, he caused his name to be emblazoned upon buildings, and many beauteous women sought his company; but because he had not the love of his father Frederick, he never found contentment.

6 And Donald built himself a building which scraped the sky, for it was a tower; and his own tribal name he placed upon it in great letters of gold, for all men to gaze upon in wonder; and for many years he dwelt within this building.

7 Now in those days there was a woman from a foreign land named Ivana; and her hair was golden in colour; and Donald of the Tribe of Trump did lust upon her, and made her his wife. 8 And upon her he fathered children, and their number was three.

9 And the first of the three was a son, and Ivana the wife of Donald said unto him, What now shall we call our boy child, this son?

10 And Donald replied, Wife, do not name him Donald the Younger; for with such a name, if he does wrong or disgraces himself in any wise, he shall bring dishonour upon the Tribe of Trump,  11 and shall disappoint and anger his father and his father’s father, and shall be called Loser.

12 But Ivana, in her confinement, defied her espoused husband and named the babe Donald the Younger; which men know as Uday.

13 And she next brought forth a girl child named Ivana the Younger, called Ivanka; and Donald gazed upon his young daughter, and called her the Golden Child; 14 and he lusted after her in his heart and in his mind and in his body.

15 And the third child he begat upon Ivana was a boy child, that men know as Eric, called Qusay. And Eric was simple in his mind, and devoid of all wisdom; which affliction followed him all the days of his life.

16 Now after a few years had passed, Donald became sore weary of Ivana, and he lusted after women from foreign lands; and from his own land.

17 And it came to pass that Marla of the Tribe of Maples, from the southern regions of his own country, did present herself before Donald; 18 and she said unto him, Give me the best sex I have ever had; and he gave her the best sex she had ever had; and it was good for her and it was good for him; 19 and she said this thing to the scribes and heralds. And the heralds proclaimed these tidings throughout the lands.

20 And Donald performed a divorce upon his wife Ivana, and he lay again with Marla, and she brought forth a girl babe which she named Tiffany, after the merchants of diamonds and golden trinkets; 21 which pitched their tent next to the home of Donald and Marla in the land of Manhattan.

22 And after the girl child Tiffany was born and had attained the age of ten weeks, Donald and Marla were wed, one to another. 23 And behold, the children of Ivana were sore pissed off, and were angered. And in their righteousness, Donald the Younger and Eric said, We will not speak words to our father. 24 But Ivanka said, I will show my father in all ways that I love him and can make him a happy man.

25 Now in those days, the Tribe of Trump grew wealthy, or so men believed; and many were their buildings, and dwelling-places, and splendid palaces, called casinos, where men cast lots; and the name of Trump was fixed upon them.

26 But these buildings and palaces were built not upon rock but upon sand, and vanished; and Donald lost his riches, and his houses, and his boats, and many other things which are too numerous for men to count. And great was the consternation in the House of Trump.

27 And Marla said unto Donald, Behold, I will divorce you, and take our daughter Tiffany, and journey westward to a land of milk and honey, which the ancients called California; and there shall I live; and there shall I raise the daughter whom you have sired upon me.

28 And Donald did thereupon lust after a woman of a foreign tribe, named Melania; and after many days he did wed her; and upon her he begat a son, which he named Barron.

29 And all the wives he had were three in number, named Ivana, Marla, and Melania. And the children he begat upon these wives were numbered five; and five was their number.  30 And they were called Donald the Younger; Ivanka the Golden Child; Eric the Dim; Tiffany the Unplanned; and Barron the Securer of Fortunes.

31 Now while the young babe, named Barron, yet suckled at his mother’s breast, Donald departed from his wife and child, and journeyed throughout the world and unto the corners of his own country; 32 and in these places he lusted after many women, and among these were young girls who were not yet women; and each night he gazed upon them and sought to lie with them, the women and the girls alike.

33 And some of the women said unto him, You may lie with me as you please, but first you must give me gold, for it is burdensome to be in your bed; 34 and they said, If you shall beget upon me a child, whether boy child or girl child, you must pay me gold, that I may ensure that the child be not born. 35 And he spake these same words unto his manservant, Michael of the House of Cohen; and it was done, and he paid them gold.

36 But other women said unto Donald, Nay, though you desire me you shall never lie with me, nor press close to my body; for my body is mine own, and I alone shall say who may lie with me and who shall not lie with me.

37 But he heeded them not, and replied unto them, I have the right and you will let me do it; and the women wailed and gnashed their teeth and beat upon him with their fists; but he subdued them and forced himself upon their bodies, and lay with them. 38 And many were the girl children and women that he took in this way.

39 And in this wise the curse of Trump was visited upon the land, although the people in their blindness did not know this.

40 And Donald of the Tribe of Trump brought forth many scrolls about his own life, although he laboured not; he wrote them not, neither did he create them; but he gave small coin to various scribes to write and tell his story in a pleasing manner, which was flattering to him.

41 And to all the people in the land, he falsely showed himself as a great and powerful man of business; and many were those who foolishly apprenticed themselves unto him.

42 Now some of the people had scales upon their eyes, and believed in his greatness and power; but others of the people said, This man is a false prophet, and tells not the truth; 43 and the country was cleft in twain, those who believed and those who believed not.

44 And lo, upon the people of the country and of the world, the Dark Times began; and there were loud rejoicings from some, crying MAGA, MAGA with their voices; and noisy lamentations from the others, who donned pink headgear and marched through the streets in great number; 45 and terrible were the years that followed in that land.

Here endeth Chapter Two.

 

Chapters recorded by SiubhanDuinne.

Reader Interactions

127Comments

  1. 1.

    WaterGirl

    If you didn’t happen to catch Chapter One last night, with the introduction that explains how this came to be, click on The Book of Trump category just under the title, and you can read Chapter One first.

    The short answer is that these chapters in The Book of Trump was written by our very own SiubhanDuinne.

    edit: I just added The Book of Trump under Featuring in the sidebar. I’ll leave it there for a week or two.

  15. 15.

    scav

    I think I missed the verse where the bard Woody of Guthrie, sire of Arlo did sing of the works and deed of father and son. There may already be an apocrypha!

  20. 20.

    NotMax

    Meh. A lotta work for minimal payoff.

    Sorry, not my cuppa a I shun things biblical to begin with. YMMV.

  27. 27.

    JPL

    @WaterGirl: Apparently there is a tape from July where trump is talking about anarchists and bags of soup.  The anarchists said that they were for their families, but in reality they used them against the police.   Just a typical day in trumpworld.

  28. 28.

    Josie

    I liked Chapter One, but Chapter Two is just wonderful.  I hope this turns out to be an epic tale and not a tragedy (for us).

  31. 31.

    Yutsano

    Just a suggestion from the mobile side: please to put the bulk under the fold. Otherwise this is downright brilliant!

  46. 46.

    The Moar You Know

    I like this a lot because it breaks the man down to his (vile) essence in a very simple way.  Great job.

  48. 48.

    WaterGirl

    @currants: No, not me!

    Click on the link under featuring and you’ll see that our very own Subaru Diane wrote the Five Chapters of The Book of Trump.

    It seemed like it would spoil the format of the Chapters if we included “by SD”, so we figured the into from Chapter One would work.  But I’ll go edit my comment at #1 to make it clear this was written by SD. (just edited #1 for clarity)

  49. 49.

    Ceci n est pas mon nym

    I love this and I want to join your Church, except I’m having a little trouble believing Donald 2:18.

    Can I just skip that verse?

  50. 50.

    Benw

    Now the men of Balloon Juice gazed upon the words of the prophet SiubhanDuinne and saw that they were good. As did the women of Balloon Juice gaze upon the words of the prophet SiubhanDuinne and saw that they were good, but the women mattered less, as their society valued the bodies and the minds and the lives of the women less than those of the men. As did the daughters and sons of Cain gaze upon the words of the prophet SiubhanDuinne, but the daughters and sons of Cain mattered not at all, as their society valued the bodies and the minds and the lives of the daughters and sons of Cain not at all.

  51. 51.

    Jay

    Another Cop murder of a young Black Man,

    What bike violation is so severe that they needed to stop Dijon Kizzee?What bike violation is so severe that they needed to chase him?What bike violation is so severe that they needed to shoot him as many times as they did?If he dropped a weapon, why was he then shot? https://t.co/SlRGmGOux3— Congressmember Bass (@RepKarenBass) September 1, 2020

  52. 52.

    mrmoshpotato

    @zhena gogolia: What. The. Actual. Fuck?

    They must protest in Russia by throwing bags of soup at the police.  Fucking orange fascist Soviet shitpile mobster conman.

  56. 56.

    PsiFighter37

    So…Donnie now decided the best way to deflect away from the main issue (coronavirus) and his ‘pet’ issue (law and order) is to deny he had mini-strokes? Way to give the lazy media a juicy tidbit to pursue. Fucking moron loves his attention, even if it is to his detriment.

  59. 59.

    SiubhanDuinne

    Have to go pay attention to dinner (cheese, bacon and onion quiche. Yum) but will check back later. Grateful for comments, and welcome suggestions.

  61. 61.

    Jinchi

    So Don Jr is little Donald. Ivanka is little Ivana. Tiffany is a jewelry store and Barron is Trump’s deep cover name.

    Who the heck is Eric?

  63. 63.

    mrmoshpotato

     

    @sanjeevs: What was that Hillary said about a man you can bait with a tweet?

    Something about not being able to trust the Kremlin’s Bitch since 1987, a Soviet shitpile mobster manbaby with nuclear weapons, or something like that.

  64. 64.

    dmsilev

    @sanjeevs: The Post had an article yesterday I think about Iowa restarting college football with 25,000 fans attending the home opener. Despite, of course, Iowa being one of the highest-COVID-incidence states right now.

  65. 65.

    joel hanes

    It is a work of art.

    I hope a learned monk somewhere is even now writing a commentary on the countless weekly scrolls produced by the scribe David, called Pecker, whose countless works greatly magnified Trump called Donald, praising him above all others and making the name Donald known to every person in the marketplace.   For indeed, in the days of Pecker,  it was impossible to buy so much as a minim of lentils without seeing many retouched images of Trump, surrounded by concubines and much gold, so that Trump became as a false idol to the heathen

    Subaru Diane is much better at this thing than I will ever be.

  66. 66.

    Jay

    @mrmoshpotato:

    nobody throws soup. Daffy Donald Captain Dementia  is riffing on the concrete milkshakes that bring everybody to the yard bs that Andy Ngo Who Is A Threat To Our Communities And Makes Kill Lists For Atomwaffen, ( to use his full name)  bull shit.

    Nobody brings soup. In Portland, it’s Riot Ribs, ice cream and Taco Trucks.

    Seattle, coffee, wood fired pizza, salmon sushi and salad.

    And nobody throws it at the Cops. The foods too damn good.

  70. 70.

    joel hanes

    @zhena gogolia:

    It is so transparently a bad 19th century attempt to write English that sounds like the KJV without any ancient source text.

    And the golden plates that disappeared, and the magic stones needed to read those plates, which likewise disappeared, and the opening testimonies of stout yeomen of faith that they did in fact see said plates before they disappeared …

    That said, almost every LDS person I have ever known is, person to person, among the most decent people I’ve ever known.

  76. 76.

    joel hanes

    @dmsilev:

    I think about Iowa restarting college footbal

    Iowa State, the land grant ag/engineering school in Ames.

    I am an ISU grad, and I’m not surprised.   Even during the early 1970s, ISU students were very traditional and Republican.  When I was there in the late 1970s, Campus Crusade for Christ was the largest student organization on campus, and made a serious attempt to gain control of the student newspaper.

  77. 77.

    mrmoshpotato

    @Jay: Not loose soup.  Hehe, loose soup.  Bags of soup.

    Regardless, Dump is still a fucking orange fascist Soviet shitpile mobster conman who’s a traitor to my country.

  80. 80.

    Jim, Foolish Literalist

    the Neal-Morse result surprises me, a bit, but I haven’t followed the race closely

    Dave Wasserman @Redistrict ·7m
    I’ve seen enough: Rep. Richard Neal (D) has defeated Alex Morse (D) in the #MA01 Democratic primary.

    Dave Wasserman @Redistrict ·20m
    I’ve seen enough: Sen. Ed Markey (D) has defeated Rep. Joe Kennedy III (D) in the #MASEN Democratic primary

    ETA: for anyone who did follow it: Was Neal’s foot-dragging on trump’s taxes an issue on the ground?

  82. 82.

    Benw

    @SiubhanDuinne: thanks that’s really nice! I feel like my comment tapped into some of the rage underlying the humor I felt while reading your amazing post. I don’t want to take anything away from your stuff, but yeah collaboration would be cool. What’s the best way to get in touch?

    Hope you didn’t burn your quiche :)

  83. 83.

    joel hanes

    @WaterGirl:

    I am not worthy to polish Siubhan Duine’s monitor, but thanks.

    And thanks for the ping about the email; I had not noticed it yet (I’m now getting about 300 fundraising emails per day)

    I’ll look at the existing stuff and see what I can do.

    Yes, there was an earlier Juanita grassroots GOTV campaign, now concluded, which IIRC addressed every county in Texas except Harris and Travis.

    This new one is about directly funding the Dem candidates for the Texas House who either lost by less than 10% in 2018, or won by less than 10% in 2018.

  90. 90.

    Jim, Foolish Literalist

    @WaterGirl: I like Markey, I had no dog in the House race, really. I don’t like Neal’s timidity (as I understand it– I’m open to arguments that it’s more complicated than it looks) on the taxes, and I’ve seen Morse get into a bit of the “Establishment” bashing that makes this old man want to go lie down

  91. 91.

    raven

    @joel hanes: Drifter FH (Billy Crudup) is hitchhiking. His ride gets into a crush and the family suffers a devastating loss. He recounts his meeting with Michelle (Samantha Morton) three years earlier in 1971 Iowa City when he goes to Michelle’s boyfriend McInnes’ party. One year later, he runs into Michelle on the street after Dundun killed McInnes. She introduces him to heroin as his life drifts along.

    There is a rambling sensibility to this movie very much like FH’s life. It does fit but it leaves the narrative disjointed. The story is very random. It has some hilarious moments like the emergency room although Jack Black does go overboard. It’s his nature and he can’t help it. Crudup is solid and fits the role snugly. Morton is amazing with her limited time. There are cool little supporting performances and unusual side trips. It has a similar theme and sense as ‘Requiem for a Dream’. I could do with more Morton but this unusual little film is a winner.

  92. 92.

    WaterGirl

    @joel hanes: There was a later comment in that thread, a reply to you, that suggested it might be better to give to the Texas Democratic Party that has bee pursuing a red-to-blue approach this year.  I’m not close enough to it to have any idea what would be best.

    Still, I think highlighting the opportunity in Texas is a good one.

    If the earlier Juanita Jean thing is over, I wonder if I should remove that from the list that’s in the sidebar.  Maybe take a look and let me know?

  93. 93.

    janesays

    Looks like Ed Markey is the first politician to ever defeat a Kennedy in a primary election in Massachusetts history.

  97. 97.

    JoyceCB

    Of all the times I have been tempted to de-lurk, this is the one which finally brought me out.  Absolutely freaking BRILLIANT!

  102. 102.

    joel hanes

    @WaterGirl:

    The earlier thing is over.

    I replied to your email.

    I will include the Texas Democratic Party suggestion with the unpacked second-round Juanita description.

  105. 105.

    Aleta

    And a radiant brilliance did suddenly emanate from the lowly site, for SiubhanDuinne had so graced its form that a great number of brethren cried out with gladness and some bowed down while others did weep and exclaim that a dust had swept by surprise upon their workstations.

  106. 106.

    joel hanes

    @raven:

    I was in Iowa City 1971-72, majoring in “liberal arts undeclared”, which was how we used to say drugs and revolution back then.  My advisor was a ROTC major who loathed everything about me, a feeling I cordially returned.

    There were already a lot of burnouts around, and I can see how such a story could have started in that time and place.

    I got teargassed at the spring 72 Viet Nam war protests, and later spent a chilly night hiding in a brushy ravine from state trooper helicopters after the demo stopped traffic on I-80 for several hours.   Guy across the hall from me got his scalp split by some officer’s club.

    Saw the Dead at the UofI Fieldhouse, festival seating, in spring 1971.   They played for _hours_.

    Then I got drafted.  No student deferments for the 1952 cohort.

  107. 107.

    Leto

    @Jim, Foolish Literalist: So Neal’s committee filed his lawsuit against the Trumpov admin for the beasts tax returns July of 2019. The case is still ongoing. Neal stated, back in Jul 2019, that the case wouldn’t be decided until after the 2020 elections. What else did you want him to do? What magical Dem power did you want him to invoke that would’ve made Trumpov respect the rule of law?

  108. 108.

    joel hanes

    @WaterGirl:

    Yup, they were down to just the largest counties at the time I suggested it, and within a week or two, they’d done all of them.

    They did that same thing in the 2018 cycle in just a few small counties, with tremendous results.

  110. 110.

    WaterGirl

    @joel hanes: That’s inspiring.  Crossing my fingers for Texas.

    edit:  If you send me a new link with a new name for what she’s doing now, I’ll replace the original link in the list with the new one.

  113. 113.

    trollhattan

    Hoo, fun, fun, fun read and I must say, packs a LOT of Donny and clanklan facts into a very tidy space. Kudos and huzzas to you!

  116. 116.

    stinger

    SiubhanDuinne, this is spectacular. Great on so many levels! I think my favorite verse is 29. It perfectly captures that odd Biblical repetitive phrasing and doesn’t remind me too vividly of Trump’s criminal sleaziness.

  117. 117.

    Another Scott

    Excellent!  :-)

    I liked that you ended this chapter on verse 45.  I assume you had to plan ahead to do so.

    Looking forward to the rest.  Thank you!

    Cheers,
    Scott.

  118. 118.

    sdhays

    This is very entertaining. I liked this phrasing in particular:

    And some of the women said unto him, You may lie with me as you please, but first you must give me gold, for it is burdensome to be in your bed

    Two random thoughts:

    1. Didn’t Dump’s affair with the Third Lady start before Marla of the Tribe of Maples divorced him? Maybe I’m misremembering – it doesn’t really matter.
    2. I feel it’s missing an adequate account of his abject failure as a businessman since it’s a HUGE part of who he is, although leaving out large swaths of critical events is definitely in keeping with Biblical tradition, so I assume that’s intentional.

    “And in the games of trickery where the House is said to always win, Donald did fail most miserably. Again. And again. And again. And again. Five times did he fail dismally, such that his father did smuggle gold unto his person so that his wretchedness would not be known.” Well, something like that.

  120. 120.

    Betsy

    This is genius.  I thought the first one was genius, and behold, there is more genius.  I am enjoying alternately snorting out loud and shrieking.

  123. 123.

    LongHairedWeirdo

    1) this is brilliant, funny, and brilliantly funny! Thanks!

    2) thanks also for putting the bulk “under the fold” – I’m on a desktop, and I still appreciate the change!

  124. 124.

    J R in WV

    This is a work of genius!

    Perhaps you might try including more diversionary tales about The Art of The Deal, Jeffery Epstein and that scandal, going into the dressing rooms of the Very Young Beauty Queens in the Land o’ the Russ, the failed airline, the failed Trump U, the failed steak biz, the failed vodka biz, the money laundering for the lords o’ the Russ via the sale of towering Palaces, and the expensive yet crummy guest house food.

    And adding stock phrases from the Mormon scripture on a regular basis. Evading building codes, legal procedures, stealing work of skilled workers, polish illegals tearing down the famous and artistic building w/o safety gear not adequate pay…

    There’s enough material for quite some time to fill!

  125. 125.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @J R in WV:

    Thank you. Yes, I have thought about including all the things you mention, and more. For BJ purposes, I wanted to keep things relatively short, but depending on how events play out, I may want to expand these few chapters into something more detailed and inclusive.

    BTW, I wasn’t trying to reference or parody the Book of Mormon (which I’ve never read) and wouldn’t have the first clue how to go about it!

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