Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Let me eat cake. The rest of you could stand to lose some weight, frankly.

It’s always darkest before the other shoe drops.

You can’t attract Republican voters. You can only out organize them.

The worst democrat is better than the best republican.

Usually wrong but never in doubt

I know this must be bad for Joe Biden, I just don’t know how.

Putting aside our relentless self-interest because the moral imperative is crystal clear.

If senate republicans had any shame, they’d die of it.

Shallow, uninformed, and lacking identity

Impressively dumb. Congratulations.

A last alliance of elves and men. also pet photos.

Wow, I can’t imagine what it was like to comment in morse code.

“But what about the lurkers?”

John Fetterman: Too Manly for Pennsylvania.  Paid for by the Oz for Senator campaign.

You don’t get rid of your umbrella while it’s still raining.

Just because you believe it, that doesn’t make it true.

Bark louder, little dog.

Consistently wrong since 2002

Is it irresponsible to speculate? It is irresponsible not to.

And we’re all out of bubblegum.

A thin legal pretext to veneer over their personal religious and political desires

When your entire life is steeped in white supremacy, equality feels like discrimination.

The poor and middle-class pay taxes, the rich pay accountants, the wealthy pay politicians.

“Everybody’s entitled to be an idiot.”

You are here: Home / Past Elections / 2020 Elections / The Book of Trump: Chapter Three

The Book of Trump: Chapter Three

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The Book of Trump: Chapter Three

THE BOOK OF TRUMP

Chapter Three

1 Now there was in those days a wise and just ruler of the land, who was known as Barack Hussein of the Tribe of Obama. And he was beloved of the people.

2 But there were those who hated Barack, for his skin was of a dusky hue; and among them was Donald, who asked, How can this man be your leader when he was not born in your land?  3 And he said, If this man Barack be your rightful ruler, let him produce sheets of papyrus with markings upon them to prove his place of birth; and let the high priests set thereupon their seal.

4 And when he was much worn down by such foolish demands, Barack of the Obamas did produce papyrus and markings and priestly seals, which did prove his place of birth; but Donald said, these may be false markings, and all those who say they are true markings are themselves false scribes. And he said these words again in a loud voice, saying FALSE SCRIBES! FALSE SCRIBES!

5 Now as the days of Barack’s rule neared their rightful end, the people grieved; for they would miss him. And Donald said, I alone can rule this land.  6 And with his wife Melania, he stepped upon a moving staircase of gold, and he descended to the level of the people, and said unto them, Be sore afraid, for the land called Mexico sends wicked men to our country, to rape our women and plunder our cities; and some, I assume, are good people.

7 And further, he said to the people, I will build a Great Wall to keep them from crossing into our land; and if you select me as your ruler, I promise I will keep you and your wives and daughters safe; and you shall enjoy great wealth if I am your ruler; and should illness or injury befall you, I shall cause the costs of your healing to be paid.

8 And it came to pass that the people in their numbers did not wish to make Donald their ruler, rather did they wish for Hillary of the Clintons to rule them; but the law of the land gave great weight to the Land of Badgers and the Land of Wolverines and the Lands of Keystone and Buckeye; and Donald of Trump became ruler of the land.

9 Now at this time, and throughout his reign, the people took the streets, in great number, and did mightily protest.  10 And Donald of Trump called to his side courtiers who said worshipful and many flattering things about him; and he looked upon his promises that he had made before he became ruler; and he laughed and denied them all, every one.

11 And as the years passed during the Time of Trump, many afflictions were visited upon the people, and borne by them: most grievous were the mortal injuries from the small machines which do shoot fiery pellets into the flesh of young children at their studies, and folk of all degree who gather for a musical festival, and do slay them thereof.

12 And the Trump courtiers did cruelly separate mothers from sons, and fathers from daughters, and husbands from wives; and the young ones he did place in cages of iron and send them unto places unknown in the land, and they did not see their fathers and mothers again; and the old ones he did return to the lands whereof they came; and great was the wailing and lamentation; young and old alike did they weep.

13 And after too many such things to number, and the people having tried to rid themselves of this turbulent ruler, the days were come that Donald of Trump said unto his people, Lo, if you make me ruler of your land again, this time I really honestly seriously promise that I will keep you and your wives and daughters safe; and you shall enjoy great wealth if I am your ruler; and should illness or injury befall you, I shall cause the costs of your healing to be paid.

14 For he had said these things four years earlier; and the people did believe him.

15 But as the time of decision neared, unto the land of Donald came unwelcome events: poverty, and plague, and uprisings against the guardians of law and order; and later came hurricane and fire and flood, and murder hornets, and uprisings in cities throughout the land.

Here endeth Chapter Three.

Chapters recorded by SiubhanDuinne.

Reader Interactions

113Comments

  4. 4.

    Old School

    These are wonderful.  I find myself looking forward to them all day.  It’s a shame there is only one to go.

  10. 10.

    CaseyL

    These are really well done; really capture the flavor of archaic writing.

    How does it end, though?  How does this Book of tribulations end??

    I think we’re gonna have to wait until November, or even January, to get the last chapter.

  12. 12.

    counterfactual

    Just saw a weird Trump(ish) commercial, on Comedy Central during a South Park rerun of all places. It was done in the same style and with possibly the same voice actor as those “mesothelioma class action” and “Boy Scout class action commercials.” There were a few seconds of Ed Rollins from the Reagan administration possibly heavily medicated, then a plea to call an 800 number and press 1. I did not catch which PAC this was or what grift they have going.

  14. 14.

    Another Scott

    Brilliant!

    In 5, “Be sore afraid”?  I don’t think I’ve seen that construction before.  But, zooks, it exists!!

    Cheers,
    Scott.

  15. 15.

    Amir Khalid

    I look forward to reading the Apocalypse of Biden, wherein the Donald is cast into the darkness and the land is healed.

  17. 17.

    joel hanes

    @WaterGirl: 

    It seems very quiet here tonight.

    There’s been a new poll dropping every hour all day long; also a bunch of legal shoes.

    People are either tired of reacting, or waiting for the next shoe to drop.

  19. 19.

    joel hanes

    @Another Scott:

    sore afraid

    The good news in Luke in the King James Version.

    Even though I’m a strong atheist, reading that passage aloud chokes me up every Christmas.

  25. 25.

    Aleta

    Give Siubhan Duinne a  FP or a radio show or a blog or all three intermingled.  Give her anything she wants.

  27. 27.

    joel hanes

    @Baud:

    Broidy investigated.

    Kenosha Police sued for selective enforcement of curfew.

    Postmaster General DeJoy subpoenaed because he has not produced even one document requested by congress

    DHS violated 18 USC § 595 by suppressing report that Russia already tampering with election

    Court documents allege that postmaster general Louis DeJoy forged bank accounts and concealed paperwork to oust his brother from the family’s logistics empire.

    Palast reports that nearly 200,000 Georgia voters purged from rolls for recent change of address have not, in fact, moved.   ACLU involved.

  28. 28.

    Mingobat (f/k/a Karen in GA)

    @Scamp Dog:  Iggy and Muppet are doing well, thanks. (As is Chauncey, who joined us last November via a rescue after spending three years in a cage courtesy of a backyard breeder who is very lucky that the rescue won’t publicly identify them. He’s a happy pup now, if still a little wary of new people and environments.)

    None of them can write anything like the Book of Trump, but I love them anyway.

  31. 31.

    J R in WV

    Subaru Diane, I love the way you are telling this story. So authentic, so in-your-face; or perhaps in-his-face!. So great!

    I had some suggestions in comments to yesterday’s Chapter that you might want to look at before you finish the whole ediface. Or not, I’m easy!

  35. 35.

    The Moar You Know

    Finally “Fake News” will be totally destroyed, in my head, for all time, being replaced with “FALSE SCRIBES”.  And I will laugh my ass off every time.

    No greater gift can one give ones fellow man.  I thank you.

  40. 40.

    CaseyL

    @Amir Khalid: “Archaic” covers a lot of territory.  I didn’t want to use the obvious descriptor (“Biblical”) – also, at some point in time, people may actually have spoken that way, and I wanted to encompass them.

  41. 41.

    thalarctosMaritimus

    @Another Scott:

    “Be sore afraid” is one place where English’s Germanic roots shine out. “Sore” in this context is a cognate of modern German “sehr”, meaning “very”.

  43. 43.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @J R in WV:

    Thanks, JR, I fell asleep last night and answered your comment about 5:30 this morning, as follows:

    Thank you. Yes, I have thought about including all the things you mention, and more. For BJ purposes, I wanted to keep things relatively short, but depending on how events play out, I may want to expand these few chapters into something more detailed and inclusive.

    BTW, I wasn’t trying to reference or parody the Book of Mormon (which I’ve never read) and wouldn’t have the first clue how to go about it!

  48. 48.

    Wolvesvalley

    What a perfect finishing touch:

    and later came hurricane and fire and flood, and murder hornets

    And False Scribes! False Scribes! needs to be a rotating tag.

  50. 50.

    Mike in NC

    Will there be a chapter dedicated to the Battle of Lafayette Square? Because I think that’ll be remembered as Fat Bastard’s tipping point, from which he could never recover.

  51. 51.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @Another Scott:

    “There were in that same country shepherds abiding in the fields, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them, and they were sore afraid.”

  54. 54.

    Jeffro

    Joni Ernst seems to not understand that it’s a new day and age: whatever you say to your crazy-a$$ QAnon base will get out to the rest of your constituents.

    And then you’ll just have to walk it all back…

    When CNN asked Ernst’s staff Wednesday to clarify the senator’s views, Ernst issued a statement that did not specifically retract her comments from Monday but that did acknowledge the latest coronavirus death toll as reported by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and US health officials.
    “Over 180,000 Americans have died because of COVID-19,” Ernst said. “What matters is that we are getting the resources to Iowa that are needed to fight this virus and continuing to support our health care workers on the front lines, and that’s what I’m focused on.”
    At the same event in Black Hawk County, the senator also threw out a serious charge against medical professionals — suggesting they are fraudulently inflating the numbers of coronavirus patients in order to make more money. There is no evidence to suggest this, and health care professionals have strongly denied the baseless attack.
    “These health care providers and others are reimbursed at a higher rate if Covid is tied to it, so what do you think they’re doing?” she asked the crowd, according to the Courier.
    Following the event, Ernst clarified to the Courier she did not seem to know for a fact that health care providers were doing this, but it’s something she “heard on the news” as well as from “health care providers and others.”

    Joni, dear: only trumpov can do trumpov things like this.  You’re not in that weight class, pun intended.

  58. 58.

    opiejeanne

    @SiubhanDuinne: So very good! So great!

    And “murder hornets” was the perfect addition to that verse.

    I laughed. I was already laughing, but I laughed more loudly at that

  60. 60.

    DesertFriar

    Cam’t wait for the the last Chapter:

    The Revelation of Robert.

    That’s where the testimony of the money lenders on the banks of the Deutsche show the false profits which Donald proclaimed.

  64. 64.

    Melusine

    Absolutely beautiful.

    Reminds me of Watership Down, when Chief Rabbit Hazel’s exploits slowly become those of the rabbit Trickster, El-Hrairah.

    It’s a shame our stories are biblical and oppressive and full of doom and unjust punishment, unlike the charm of the rabbits’ mythos.

  65. 65.

    Skepticat

    @counterfactual: 

    Just saw a weird Trump(ish) commercial, on Comedy Central

    That placement is astounding appropriate, but somehow I’m not laughing.

    SiubhanDuinne, this writer bows down in awe.

  68. 68.

    joel hanes

    Because I love it, here’s a bit of Firesign Theater.   I think the connection will be obvious:

    From the Book of Punter:

    1 And lo, there came unto them Phillip, called Punter;
    And he was Lillian Roth in his extremity.
    2 “Merrily, merrily”, he says unto them, saying, “Merrily, Merrily, for I am come.”
    3 And he came.
    4 And he came unto the house of his mother’s brother’s servant, saying, “Where am I?”
    5 And there was none there to answer him, not even no one, saying, “Nowhere, yea,
    But in the land of reversible cups, and sanitary pedestals;
    6 And he lay in that land a long time, like worms out of a hot cheese log.

  72. 72.

    opiejeanne

    @joel hanes: Luke is my favorite telling of the story, and those shepherds who were sore afraid at the appearance of the angel, that same wording is in the English Standard Version Bible, used in the United Methodist Church.

  74. 74.

    Jeffro

    I loved this from Biden’s speech today, too: hey, upset that your kids aren’t in school?  Ask trumpov about that

    They’d like to pretend everything is normal, but we KNOW it’s not…

    “Let me be clear,” Biden said, in his second speech in three days taking direct aim at his Republican opponent. “If President Trump and his administration had done their jobs early on in this crisis, American schools would be open. And they’d be open safely.”

    …in July, the president became fixated on reopening schools even though polling was not in his favor. Trump was confident, he told political advisers, that reopening schools would be a popular position — particularly in the suburbs — and grew frustrated when he repeatedly saw on news programs that districts were reluctant to reopen.

    OPEN OPEN OPEN NO FUNDING FOR YOU NO TESTING PROGRAM BUT OPEN OPEN OPEN!

    And they wonder why it didn’t go over so well with those moms (and dads!) living the ‘suburban lifestyle dream’…

  75. 75.

    J R in WV

    @SiubhanDuinne:

    Thanks, JR, I fell asleep last night and answered your comment about 5:30 this morning, as follows:

    Imagine that… I fell asleep last night also too !!!

    You do what you want — this is your Genius flaming in  the night sky. Wonderful work. If you expand it, then it will become a real book length work, else, just a marvel short work.

    I shoulda knowed you had thought of all that stuff already, you’re the creative genius, I’m just a wise-acre commentor on my good days, and a typist on the regular days. (sic)

  77. 77.

    Jeffro

    A little OT but…I just took a quick run through 270towin and while I know nothing is certain I’M NOT JINXING IT PEOPLE CHILL OUT it sure looks to me like Biden has a lock on 279 EVs.

    Mid-range, decent chance, he’s probably around 333 EVs

    Blowout (ie, he wins TX and a couple others here n’ there) he’s around 389 EVs.

    Let’s try and break 400, shall we?  =)

  79. 79.

    Morzer

    @Jeffro: Hell, let’s not be low-energy here. Let’s break 600!  After all, we have Trump’s encouragement to vote twice, so we ought to be able to get twice as many electoral college votes, amirite or amirite?

  80. 80.

    Wyatt Salamanca

    RIP Tom Seaver

    Let’s Go Mets!

    Fuck those fucking NY Yankees and fuck that pathological lying fucktard Trump!

  89. 89.

    Wolvesvalley

    @frosty: Great! Maybe if enough of us nominate it, John will approve it. It should become a permanent part of the Balloon Juice lingo, like “also too.”

  92. 92.

    MoCA Ace

    Don’t forget the part where he promised that the wicked men will pay for the wall.

    And I can’t wait to hear what happens when denies the corona virus three times.

  94. 94.

    Wolvesvalley

    @Morzer: Holy shit, during that visit, Trump urged people to vote twice: once by mail and once in person.

    President Trump, on Wednesday during a trip in battleground North Carolina, urged voters to vote twice, once by mail and once in person, to test the protections intended to guard against double voting. . . . “Let them send it in and let them go vote, and if their system’s as good as they say it is, then obviously they won’t be able to vote. If it isn’t tabulated, they’ll be able to vote,” Trump said. Intentionally voting twice is illegal, and in many states, including North Carolina, it is a felony.

  96. 96.

    Benw

    Now the people of Balloon Juice gazed upon the words of the prophet SiubhanDuinne and there were hozannas and wild exclamations and great rejoicing among them. And it was known throughout the land that the words of the prophet SiubhanDuinne were good and they were posted by the acolyte Watergirl accordingly in the manner of the time. And their were people, some of them the same as the people of Balloon Juice and some who were others, who remembered the names of the sons and daughters of Cain, who could have been the sons and daughters of Barack of the Obamas as they resembled the visage of Barack of the Obamas, who gave up the ghost at the hands of the guardians of law and order:

    David McAtee

    George Floyd

    Sean Reed

    Michael Ramos

    Breonna Taylor

    Manuel Ellis

    Atatiana Jefferson

    EJ Bradford, Jr

    Charles Roundtree, Jr

    Chinedu Okobi

    Botham Jean

    Terrence Sterling

    Korryn Gaines

    Philando Castile

    Alton Sterling

    Sandra Bland

    Freddie Grey

    Tamir Rice

    Michael Brown, Jr

    Eric Garner

    Trevon Martin

    and many more, too numerous to count in our days.

  100. 100.

    MCA1

    @The Moar You Know: Verily.  I, too, will forevermore be replacing that odious phrase with this one.

    Good god damn but these are hilarious and brilliant writing by SD.  On multiple levels.  The mimicking of archaic King James Bible writing style is so engrossing that by the end of reading this one, I actually heard “neared” as “near Ed” in my head.

    Hilarious.  Well done.  Looking forward to Chapter 4 and, hopefully a Chapter 5 after the election if all goes to plan?

  102. 102.

    Another Scott

    @MCA1: I’ve seen it many, many times.  And read Luke many, many times.  I guess I just didn’t really notice it until I saw it here in Subaru Diane’s telling.

    It’s like that reading test where “the” is repeated at the beginning and ending of a line break – my brain skipped over the fnord.

    :-)

    Cheers,
    Scott.

  104. 104.

    pat

    Can we have this all in a pdf form, or something that I can print out and give to my (still going to church) friends?  I bet they will love it.

    I grew up in the Episcopal church and love the King James Bible altho I ….  hmm… am now an atheist.  (No, please don’t smite me!!!)

  108. 108.

    Zelma

    Loved the Book of Trump.  I am old enough to have been raised on the KJV of the Bible and to have memorized quite a bit of it.  I am assuming SD must have been as well as she got the cadence just right.  Let’s hope she can write the end to the story on November 3.  I’ve never been fond of the idea of Armageddon.

  111. 111.

    Gary K

    @Another Scott: It’s in the King James version of the Advent story in the book of Luke. Luke 2:9, often read aloud in the church where I grew up. (I see I’m redundantly redundant.)

  112. 112.

    Another Scott

    @Gary K: If only we had threaded comments we wouldn’t have these issues.  Amirite?  Who’s with me??!!

    (Couldn’t resist.)

    Thanks.

    Cheers,
    Scott.

Comments are closed.