Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

They were going to turn on one another at some point. It was inevitable.

Republican speaker of the house Mike Johnson is the bland and smiling face of evil.

Weird. Rome has an American Pope and America has a Russian President.

Radicalized white males who support Trump are pitching a tent in the abyss.

I’d like to think you all would remain faithful to me if i ever tried to have some of you killed.

A sufficient plurality of insane, greedy people can tank any democratic system ever devised, apparently.

It may be funny to you motherfucker, but it’s not funny to me.

Seems like a complicated subject, have you tried yelling at it?

Dear elected officials: Trump is temporary, dishonor is forever.

Make the republican party small enough to drown in a bathtub.

Washington Post Catch and Kill, not noticeably better than the Enquirer’s.

Innocent people do not delay justice.

In my day, never was longer.

Disagreements are healthy; personal attacks are not.

The republican caucus is covering themselves with something, and it is not glory.

Everybody saw this coming.

Every one of the “Roberts Six” lied to get on the court.

Giving in to doom is how authoritarians win.

With all due respect and assumptions of good faith, please fuck off into the sun.

So many bastards, so little time.

… riddled with inexplicable and elementary errors of law and fact

Hi god, it’s us. Thanks a heap, you’re having a great week and it’s only Thursday!

… gradually, and then suddenly.

Let me eat cake. The rest of you could stand to lose some weight, frankly.

You are here: Home / Guest Posts / The Book of Trump: Chapter Five

The Book of Trump: Chapter Five

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The Book of Trump: Chapter Three

THE BOOK OF TRUMP

Chapter Five

1 Cometh one to challenge Donald, and wrest power from him, according to the will and the deciding of the people.

2 And the name of the challenger is Joseph, and he is a man of decency and goodness; and his advisor is a strong woman named Kamala; their story is yet untold, and will remain so until the sound of the last trump.

Here endeth the beginning of Chapter Five.

Chapters recorded by SiubhanDuinne.

Reader Interactions

51Comments

  2. 2.

    Jerzy Russian

    Let’s hope that Joseph kicketh Donald of the Trump’s ass on the day of the great deciding.

  3. 3.

    SiubhanDuinne

    I’m thinking that I might update Chapter Five perhaps once a week or so during the course of the campaign — depending on whatever news is dominating (and, of course, with WG’s okay, as I haven’t suggested it to her yet). Not a firm commitment, just a thought I’m toying with.

  9. 9.

    Comrade Colette Collaboratrice

    @Calouste:

    In British slang, trump means fart.

    That’s hilarious – and reminds me, so does petard. Let the hoisting begin!!! (As long as we’re upwind.)

    ETA: Well done, SD! I have enjoyed these more than almost anything else in these Trump-tainted times.

  14. 14.

    Uncle Omar

    Does anyone have access to or knowledge of somewhere I can get bumper stickers in dark blue with white lettering that say “Another Chump for” which can be placed (in the dead of night) on Trump yard signs?

  21. 21.

    Jeffro

    One of trumpov’s lil’ minions is whining on the twitters about how there’s just. no. way. Biden’s team could have turned around a rapid response ad to trumpov(‘s lies) so quickly today…

    …and the Biden guy in charge of rapid response is like, “Um, that’s what we get paid to do?  Try to keep up!”

    LOLOLOLOLOLOL

    Biden guy also said, “Hire Gen Z!” and whew I have to agree.  The Millenials and Gen Z and iGen and whatever can have the reins whenever as far as I’m concerned.

  22. 22.

    Frankensteinbeck

    Well, while we’re talking about the Asshole In Chief, he has ordered that the armed forces all have to take his payroll tax deferral and repay it in January.  It’s straight-up an extortion threat.

  26. 26.

    Ilieitz

    OT previous thread

     

    Trump is shitting on everyone who tried to be of service to our country. Be it in the military but those of us in the Peace Corps, Vista Americorps etc. So fuck  Trump and all his stupidity

  27. 27.

    opiejeanne

    @SiubhanDuinne: I love your use of “the last trump”, and I was sure you were referring to the Biblical use of the phrase.

    I tried to use it on twitter recently, but wasn’t satisfied with my attempt so I dropped it.

  28. 28.

    Regine Touchon

    @WaterGirl: hey how about printing this up and some of us artists can provide illustrations. We can bind it up and sell it . Where should the proceeds go? And yes I vote yes on The Updating.

  29. 29.

    WaterGirl

    @Wapiti: Anyone can update their W-4 and have an exact dollar amount withheld in addition to what is taken out automatically. Contact the appropriate person for your organization and fill out the  form.

  32. 32.

    trollhattan

    @Regine Touchon: 
    Hell to the yes on this idea! Make it so.

    Our Kevin Bacon degrees to Covid are now 1, as my spouse’s dear cousin has been battling it three weeks now. Her cough, thought to be from wildfire smoke. She’s riding it out at home, so fingers and toes crossed. Luckily spouse and cousin haven’t been around one another for four weeks (whew).

  33. 33.

    SWMBO

    @WaterGirl: I would suggest DougJ’s parceling of the funds. It would be poetic and just if The Book of Trump helped finance his undoing.

    or she could just keep the funds herself.

    or throw it to The Blogfather to offset advert costs.

  35. 35.

    SWMBO

    @trollhattan: Our degrees of TrumpCovid are 1 too. A friend of ours has been in hospital for over a month. He has been moved from ICU to a local rehab that has one wing of nothing but COVID19 patients. He is just beginning to sit in a chair without his O2 levels dropping. He still has to sleep with a bipap (non invasive vent) or his O2 levels drop.  It looks like he’s going to have several more weeks before he can go home. The good news is his sister moved into his house to quarantine herself and she is taking care of his Great Dane.

  36. 36.

    prostratedragon

    @Comrade Colette Collaboratrice: We are truly living in a time of convergence. From a commentary at indrasmusings, “The Trumpeting Asshole”:

    To find an image of a trumpeting asshole in a religious medieval manuscript (see image) is as strange as finding it in Dante’s Divine Comedy. And yet, there we have it. The last line of canto XXI goes ‘and he had made a trumpet of his asshole’ (Inf XXI, v139 ‘ed elli avea del cul fatto trombetta’. It refers to the leader of the demons, Malacoda, who farts to alert his army of devils to depart. The answer him by making a farting sound, pressing their tongue between their teeth. As in previous canto’s we again encounter the topsy-turvy logic of inferno. Commands are not given orally but rectally. The trumpeting is not that of heavenly angels but of demonic asses.

  40. 40.

    cain

    Joseph is infused with the wisdom of solomon, the strength of hercules, the power of atlas, the leadership of zeus, and thick skin of  achilles and the quick thinking of mercury !

  42. 42.

    prostratedragon

    @MoxieM:  Oh thank you! I never heard this before, and being a very low-level art history hack, have not studied many of the fine details of Bosch’s epic. I must do so as soon as possible!

  43. 43.

    Jess

    @prostratedragon: That Bosch painting is full of sexual visual puns. A bird is vogel in Dutch, also slang for penis, and vogelen (birds) = fucking. Mouse is vulva, fish is penis. Strawberries (and oysters, of course) are aphrodisiacs. Etc.

  44. 44.

    Jay

    KKKops murdered Michael Forrest Reinoehel today,

    The victim, Aaron “Jay” Danielson, was there with Patriot Prayer, a notoriously violent rightwing group founded by Joey Gibson, a close friend of his. Their primary purpose, supposedly, is securing “free speech” for conservatives in liberal areas of the country, which they already have. They fight for this by trawling the Pacific Northwest attempting to pick fights with antifa activists. One associate of the group is currently serving a life sentence for fatally stabbing two people and injuring a third on a Portland train after those people asked him to stop screaming racial slurs at two black teenage girls. He remains convinced he did nothing wrong, as he believes those people were attempting to infringe on his “free speech rights.” Ian Kramer, a member of the group, beat a woman so badly that he broke her vertebrae after the group decided to go to a bar where antifa activists hung out in order to harass them.

    They are, however, beloved by the police in Portland. As reported by the Daily Beast in February of 2019, Gibson maintained a close relationship with police Lt. Jeff Niiya, who kept him apprised of what antifa activists were doing and gave him advice on avoiding arrest.

    Rest in power.

  46. 46.

    mrmoshpotato

    Re: Mask holsters in Cole’s Twitter

    How many of these idiots will try to claim Dick Cheney shot them in the face when the inevitable happens?

  48. 48.

    Jay

    @Jess:

    one, was a child, steeped in Facist ideology, taken peacefully  alive ,

    the other, a community defence adult with a troubled past, ( thus community defence), gunned down.

  50. 50.

    Gvg

    The police should take accused alive to stand trial not be executioners. It reflects badly on the police that they couldn’t take the accuse alive. It makes me wonder what they didn’t want him saying. There should be N investigation of the botched arrest execution.

  51. 51.

    J R in WV

    @Uncle Omar:

    Does anyone have access to or knowledge of somewhere I can get bumper stickers in dark blue with white lettering that say “Another Chump for” which can be placed (in the dead of night) on Trump yard signs?

    Google custom bumper stickers for 40,000,000+ answers.

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