AUTHOR’S NOTE, 2020: I first shared this true story here seven years ago, when I was living about 100 miles from where the action takes place. I’m now back in my home county. There was going to be a Christmas parade again this year — the Republicans who run the joint are on board with Gov. DeSantis’s “Pandemic? What pandemic?” strategy for containing the public health crisis.
But the county’s top health official told the commissioners that the hospital is already at capacity and that holding the traditional parade would lead to rationing healthcare. Remarkably, that got through to them. So, the commissioners decided to have a parked parade instead. The floats will be stationary in a big parking lot, and people can walk around them in family groups instead of gathering at the side of the road in a crowd to watch the floats pass. We’re still going to skip it. Anyhoo, on with the story…
I grew up in a small coastal town in Florida. Every year there was an annual holiday parade featuring an honor guard, Future Farmers of America, the school marching band, floats sponsored by local merchants and Santa and his elves on the town fire truck.
One year, my younger sister and I got to be in the parade. We were about five and six at the time, so when we were told that we were actually going to be on a float in the parade instead of mere spectators, it was the most exciting thing that had ever happened to us.
Even when our mom told us we would be riding on the Florida Pest Control float (a display sponsored by the exterminator business where our grandfather worked at the time) and costumed as vermin, it didn’t dampen our enthusiasm. At least, not until we saw our costumes, which our mom spent days sewing for us. I was to dress as a rat, and that was okay with me:
However, my sister had to be a cockroach, and she was NOT happy about that, even though our mom had cleverly used fishing line to make the costume’s fake roachy arms move whenever my sister moved her real arms:
And in truth, my sister did have a legitimate complaint, since, in an attempt to get the proportions right, our mom had made a roach costume that tightly restricted the wearer’s movements. Most of my sister’s real legs were encased in the padded felt roach carapace, with just her shins and feet sticking out of a fairly small opening at the bottom:
This design forced her to take baby steps in the costume. After trying it on, she asked why she couldn’t be the rat and I couldn’t be the roach. But mom pointed out that as the eldest, I was the tallest, and it wouldn’t be logical for a roach to be taller than a rat, not even in Florida.
When the evening of the parade finally arrived, we went down to the beginning of the route to meet up with the Florida Pest Control float crew. The float was a livestock trailer attached to a pest control truck. Someone had fashioned giant ants out of red Styrofoam balls and pipe-cleaners and wired them randomly over the float’s exterior.
On the float, there was a bin filled with candy as well as a box of flyswatters emblazoned with the Florida Pest Control logo. We were to throw handfuls of candy to parade goers (I guess it never occurred to anyone that people might be reluctant to accept candy from vermin). We were also instructed to “gently toss” flyswatters into the crowd. My sister was still seething about the roach costume as our father hoisted us onto the float.
A more empathetic sibling might have offered comfort, but I threatened to beat the shit out of my sister if she didn’t stop whining. Thus, we both began the parade in a foul mood, expressing our ire by hurling candy with great force at other children and attempting to hit as many people in the face with the flyswatters as we could:
You could say the crowd wasn’t on our side. But then the Florida Pest Control float came to an abrupt halt, possibly to avoid bumping into the float in front of it. Since I had unrestricted use of my legs, I was able to maintain my balance. But my sister’s costume tripped her when the truck lurched, and she fell against the railing of the float, clinging to it and wailing piteously.
At that moment, I happened to have a flyswatter raised high over my head, intent on hurling it full-force at my Sunday school teacher, whom I’d spotted in the crowd. But then I noticed my roach-sister splayed on the railing in front of me, emitting annoying howls. I began swatting her padded carapace, which didn’t actually hurt her, but was still fun. The crowd went wild:
The end.
jeffreyw
It’s been my experience that fly swatters have little to no effect on actual roaches.
Patricia Kayden
Hilarious story, Betty!! Your poor sister. I’d have been raging as well.
Merry Christmas to the BJ Family!!
Scamp Dog
Oh my, I love this story! Thanks for RE-posting it!
debbie
Nice to read this again. Thanks!
SiubhanDuinne
Oh, how I love this story! Thank you for sharing it with us once again.
This line makes me giddy with mirth, every time:
Happy Pestivus, Betty!
raven
Speaking of rats. I have a friend here who lives in a house that has a rat infestation in the attic and she’s going nuts. Apparently the landlord doesn’t want to do anything and she doesn’t know what to do! I’d go help if it wasn’t for covid.
MoCA Ace
Love the story Betty. Having a brother two years younger, I am very familiar with this family dynamic.
Next year for Festivus I want to see the Tangerine Tyrant and all his henchmen in stocks, lined up on trailers, for one long fail parade across the country. I will save up rotten produce for months in anticipation.
MelissaM
Bravo! Well done! Encore! Encore!
Joy in FL
Thank you for that belly laugh.
Denali
This is one of the best all-time great stories. It has everything- sibling rivalry, shame, disgust, violence. What more could you ask for?
germy
Here’s a thread for history buffs:
Elizabelle
“Costumed as vermin.”
I never tire of this story. Thank you for posting it again. Your mother was one for the ages.
drunkenhausfrau
Thanks for the Christmas laugh! I love this story!
Skookum in Oly
That was the perfectly hilarious story I needed to start my day off right!
Hungry Joe
I’m not usually fond of ritual or sacred traditions, but this story should be posted every year.
debbie
@raven:
The landlord doing nothing about the rats has got to be a violation of the local or state health code. I’d call them and start to save up for an exterminator.
HinTN
Nice touch, Betty. Merry Christmas
OzarkHillbilly
@Denali: Explosive farting?
Bluegirlfromwyo
How did I miss this the first time? Brava! Thanks for the encore.
evodevo
LOLOLOL hilarious!! The best laugh of the day…
germy
@debbie:
Several strong and brave cats would solve that problem. But the landlord should pay.
debbie
@germy:
Absolutely. In court, if necessary.
evodevo
Thank you Betty…. I’m so glad to find out that my fractious childhood relationship with my sister was not out of the ordinary LOL (we didn’t get along until we had both left home and gone away to college…been good friends ever since – go figure!)
prostratedragon
“The Roach,” Gene & Wendell
germy
@evodevo:
Why do you think things changed? Did you just need more space away from each other?
JanieM
Laughing out loud through the whole thing. Agree with @SiubhanDuinne about the “not even in Florida” bit.
As to sibling rivalry – I was looking through old family albums last night for any ancient Christmas photos and came upon a family classic: three siblings lined up on a couch, all dressed up, with yours truly holding the newborn fourth. My brother, in white shirt and bowtie, about 6 years old, has his arms crossed and an exaggerated pouty scowl on his face directed at my mom behind the camera because he didn’t get to hold the baby first.
There’s another, almost identical picture, a spontaneous scene, of my brother’s son pouting for the camera because he didn’t get to hold my niece first. And another of my own son, pouting because he didn’t get to hold our babysitter’s child first.
Sibling rivalry, where would we be without it?
CaseyL
Every time you post this, I read it and laugh out loud.
Are you sure you’re not really Shirley Jackson, who wrote hysterically funny family memoirs when she wasn’t writing the best gothic horror ever? Because your writing is a perfect amalgam of both.
Happy Xmas Eve, everyone!
schrodingers_cat
Happy Pestivus! This is the best BC story evah!
Being the eldest I particularly enjoy it. I had convinced my brother that he was adopted. He believed me.
*Evil laughter
jonas
@raven: I lived once in a really old house and though there were rats in the attic one time — turned out to be a couple of squirrels that had squeezed in through a small hole somewhere and couldn’t figure out how to get back out. They were live-trapped and removed pretty easily. Rats in my experience tend to like basements and crawlspaces *under* the house. Having to trap and remove those buggers was no fun.
zhena gogolia
Netflix special, stat!
Sandia Blanca
So will the Florida Pest Control float be part of the 2020 “parked parade”?
jonas
@germy: A friend of my grandfather’s had a captured swastika flag among his war memorabilia he showed me once. Even as a little kid, it sent chills down my spine…
cope
Thanks for the funny. It was an uplifting (at least to me, the oldest of five siblings) look back.
I am spending more and more time in the past as looking around me in the present is very discouraging and, to quote Mr. Morrison, “…the future’s uncertain and the end is always near”.
To that end, I just got a flatbed scanner that scans slides. Last night, I scanned a couple from 1980, our first year of marriage. They included scenes from above Unaweep Canyon where we 4-wheeled to get our own tree, said tree decorated in our living room and my lovely wife, ripe with child, and young me in front of the tree and a fire in the Franklin stove that heated our little home. All in all, not a bad place to be, the past.
Ruckus
@MoCA Ace:
Being the youngest, I’m familiar with it as well. I appreciate the story, it is fun to look back but my older sister actually did more one evening. She stabbed me with a fork, in the arm, for not getting my arms off the table. In her defense she was smart enough to realize it was a mistake almost immediately. And ran to her room, where I almost got my fist through the door she got closed, just in time. The good part is that it changed our family dynamic and she and I became very good friends rather than enemy siblings. That took time of course but there were no more stabbings or door damage – we both learned a very valuable lesson.
JanieM
@cope: What kind of scanner did you get? Would you recommend it now that you’ve used it?
Roger Moore
@jonas:
A park near me still has a WWI-vintage 15cm howitzer, which appears to have been captured from, or surrendered by, Imperial Germany. It’s a somewhat more public version of the same impulse, and it’s a very old one. Capturing and displaying trophies was a huge motivating factor in warfare as far back as we have records.
Just One More Canuck
@Ruckus: I’m the youngest of five – my two oldest sisters had been having a low key feud over something when one day it exploded at the dinner table and the younger one started throwing punches and managed to get in a few before my dad and my older brother managed to pull them apart. I just sat there stunned for a while – it was awesome!
randy khan
I did, in fact, laugh out loud. Such a touching holiday memory.
raven
@germy: “The 385th Infantry Regiment was part of the 76th Infantry Division of the US Army during World War II and fought in Germany, including the Siegfried Line. The 385th’s 2nd Battalion crossed the Nims River at Niederweis taking the town while the 1st Battalion attacked south between Nims and the Prum toward Irrel. 3rd Battalion was the first of the regiment to span the Sauer and go into action in Germany. The first days of combat were a series of pillboxes and prepared defenses until the Line had been breached and the Regiment began moving at an ever accelerated speed.”
Audie Murphy was once in the unit.
JMG
Just finished shoveling the snow away from the storm drain that abuts my front yard as the National Weather Service advised. Inches of rain, 60 mph winds, 60 degree temperatures and predictions of widespread power outages for Eastern Mass. Weird to get ready for Christmas and extreme weather simultaneously. One lucky break, I bought a beef loin roast for Christmas dinner. With no power, I can still cut it into steaks and pan grill them on the stovetop. But I’d rather not.
VeniceRiley
Oh, I’m youngest of six and have a sister 1 year older. This all rings true. Great story!
raven
@Ruckus: Somehow I once lit a firecracker in the living room with lots of people. I was dumb enough to do it but smart enough to hold it and blow a big gash in my thumb and forefinger.
cope
@JanieM: It’s an Epson Perfection V600. This one only scans four slides at a time but also does color negatives, b&w negatives or color positive prints. I like it. I’ve used them at the school from whence I retired. It comes with software, SilverFast 8, that does a phenomenal job cleaning up the slides in the scanning process. Scratches, dust, fuzz, color issues…it does well with all of them. Spoiler alert: steep learning curve with the SilverFast and, if you want high res scans, a slow process. However, time is the only thing I have so I am looking forward to spending it with these slides. I even asked my sister to send me all my stepfather’s slides that go back to the ’50s.
Spanky
@raven: Yeah, there’s not much to drill down into from that Wikipedia entry, unfortunately. Like where they were on March 29.
trollhattan
@raven:
Reminds me of a certain extended scene in “Boogie Nights.”
WhatsMyNym
@jonas: @raven: If they’re in the attic, they are probably Roof Rats (Rattus rattus), sometimes called black rats, fruit rats or house rats. Which are smaller and love trees, and on the west coast they get in through cedar shingle roofs where the shingles are loose.
OzarkHillbilly
@Ruckus: My older brother beat me up all the time, and then came the day the battle was equal. He never again threw a punch at me. Go figure.
My buddy Ken had 3 older brothers who constantly terrorized him. One time he took off running and they followed as he ran around the corner of the garage. The first one around the corner was met with a shovel right upside the head, putting him down for the count. The other 2 decided against following, and all 3 were far kinder from that day forth.
My oldest sis once stabbed me with her fork when I went for the last of the asparagus. The old man was truly disgusted by this juvenile display from 2 of his adult children. I thought it was fair play as I’d have done the same to her. FTR, it takes more than a sharp fork to stop me from stealing the last asparagus.
Barbara
@SiubhanDuinne: Was about to post the same thing!
Barbara
@raven: Find another place to live? That’s truly outrageous.
JanieM
@cope: Thanks! It looks like it’s in a reasonable price range, and it’s not an HP product. I will take a closer look.
Spanky
New at the WaPo:
ETA:
Yarrow
@Spanky: I’m sure things will go smoothly.
HinTN
@OzarkHillbilly:
Attaboy!
And Merry Christmas, or whatevs.
raven
@Spanky: Fold three has numerous personal listings for KIA’s in the unit and there is a yearbook from Red Lion, Pennsylvania that has 200 pages of pictures and citations for KIA’s in [email protected] from that city. Here’s the listing for the division:
The 76th Infantry Division arrived in England, 20 December 1944, where it received additional training. It landed at Le Havre, France, 12 January 1945, and proceeded to the Limesy concentration area. The Division moved to Beine east of Reims and then to Champlon, Belgium, 23 January, to prepare for combat. Relieving the 87th Division in defensive positions along the Sauer and Moselle Rivers in the vicinity of Echternach, Luxembourg, 25 January, the 76th sent out patrols and crossed the Sauer, 7 February, and breached the Siegfried Line in a heavy assault. The advance continued across the Prum and Nims Rivers, 25–27 February. Katzenkopf fortress and Irrel fell on 28 February and the attack pushed on toward Trier, reaching the Moselle, 3 March. Driving across the Kyll River, the division took Hosten, 3 March, Speicher on 5 March and Karl on 10 March; swung south and cleared the area north of the Moselle, crossing the river, 18 March, near Mülheim an der Mosel. Moving to the Rhine, the 76th took over defenses from Boppard to St. Goar and crossed the Rhine at Boppard, 27 March. It drove east and took Kamberg in a house-to-house struggle, 29 March. A new attack was launched 4 April and the Werra River was reached the next day. The attack continued in conjunction with the 6th Armored Division; Langensalza fell and the Gera River was crossed, 11 April. Zeitz was captured after a violent struggle, 14–15 April, and the 76th reached the Mulde River on 16 April, going into defensive positions to hold a bridgehead across the Mulde near Chemnitz until VE-day.
hells littlest angel
How did I miss previous tellings of this great story? Hilarious! Thank you!
raven
The 76th Infantry Division arrived in England, 20 December 1944, where it received additional training. It landed at Le Havre, France, 12 January 1945, and proceeded to the Limesy concentration area. The Division moved to Beine east of Reims and then to Champlon, Belgium, 23 January, to prepare for combat. Relieving the 87th Division in defensive positions along the Sauer and Moselle Rivers in the vicinity of Echternach, Luxembourg, 25 January, the 76th sent out patrols and crossed the Sauer, 7 February, and breached the Siegfried Line in a heavy assault. The advance continued across the Prum and Nims Rivers, 25–27 February. Katzenkopf fortress and Irrel fell on 28 February and the attack pushed on toward Trier, reaching the Moselle, 3 March. Driving across the Kyll River, the division took Hosten, 3 March, Speicher on 5 March and Karl on 10 March; swung south and cleared the area north of the Moselle, crossing the river, 18 March, near Mülheim an der Mosel. Moving to the Rhine, the 76th took over defenses from Boppard to St. Goar and crossed the Rhine at Boppard, 27 March. It drove east and took Kamberg in a house-to-house struggle, 29 March. A new attack was launched 4 April and the Werra River was reached the next day. The attack continued in conjunction with the 6th Armored Division; Langensalza fell and the Gera River was crossed, 11 April. Zeitz was captured after a violent struggle, 14–15 April, and the 76th reached the Mulde River on 16 April, going into defensive positions to hold a bridgehead across the Mulde near Chemnitz until VE-day.
danielx
Thanks, Betty, I’ve been looking forward to this. BJ tradition, I say, sort of like the Kings College Festival of Nine Lessons and Carols – Florida version.
Family strife – my great grandfather was one of three brothers in a rural Indiana clan. Last name omitted, they were John Wesley, Samuel Paisley, and Hyrcanus (Uncle Caney). All three had notorious tempers and were willing to demonstrate this at the drop of a hat. Story went that John Wesley (great grandpa) always wore a mustache from the time he could grow one to cover the scar from where Uncle Caney hit him with a hatchet during the course of a dispute about…something. Supposedly a girl, though I never did get confirmation of that.
You’d think they were from Florida or something.
mrmoshpotato
Hahaha, that’s a great story!
Uncle Cosmo
@jeffreyw: Yeah, you really gotta whack those bastards. Chemical warfare works better so long as you remember to decontaminate the food prep area before prepping food. (Fun fact: Tabun, the first nerve agent, was created in the Third Reich by Gerhard Schrader ca. 1936 while trying to develop a better insecticide.)
& here I ran out of inspi/perspi/desperation…
geg6
Betty, this is my favorite story you’ve ever told and that’s saying a lot because you tell great stories all the time.
As for us, we’re about ready to head out to play Santa with the relatives. Dropping gifts at my niece’s and her husband’s for them and their baby girl. Then to my oldest sister’s and BIL’s. And then off to drop presents for my youngest sister, BIL and niece. Everyone has covered porches and the temps are good until later this afternoon when a cold front hits hard, so we can even visit a bit, distanced and masked. First time I’ll have seen any of them in person since May. My brother called to thank me for the gift card I mailed, so that got there and I’m happy to find his girlfriend has been quarantining in anticipation of spending Christmas and New Year with him and he won’t be all alone. Then we go to my other older sister’s and BIL’s tomorrow for dinner. They have been our bubble all throughout, so we’re comfortable with them, since we know she hasn’t left the house/yard but once since March as she is retired and he has been working from home since then and goes nowhere but to Costco.
danielx
@Uncle Cosmo:
And Zyklon B was designed as a pesticide. Better living through chemistry, said Reinhard Heydrich.
Uncle Cosmo
And was in fact employed as one for some years prior to the, shall we say, off-schedule use…
Frankensteinbeck
@Spanky:
Experience suggests it will be a clusterfuck from Britain’s perspective. On the other hand, I thought Boris wanted a hard Brexit, so what do I know?
Miss Bianca
Oh, Betty, I love this story so much. And your illustrations are the star on the crown, so to speak. Happy Pestivus!
Miss Bianca
@germy: Whoa, Jackie’s one of my friends!! Gotta read this one!
ETA: “May this flag never fly again”. And so say all of us.
evodevo
@germy: I guess we matured…and to be sure, relationships tend to settle down when parents are no longer involved on a daily basis. She and I were polar opposites personality-wise, and that didn’t help when we lived in close proximity.
WaterGirl
@SiubhanDuinne: In 2016, you were weeping with mirth when you saw this. I guess 4 years can change a person. :-
edit: I, too, will never tire of this story. I think Betty should post it every year.
stinger
That’s doing it on the cheap! No wonder they ran out of money.
catclub
@Hungry Joe: maybe we can get David Sedaris to read it.
stinger
And Betty Cracker, I am literally still wiping tears from my face. This illustrated story is one of the best holiday traditions ever.
Bluegirlfromwyo
@schrodingers_cat: I convinced my younger sister that our dad wasn’t her father since she looked so much like mom. Oldest sisters are evil.
Spanky
@raven: Thanks!
Miss Bianca
@raven: I shared this info on my FB page after posting Jacki’s tweet. I figured she would be interested. Thanks for the history!
schrodingers_cat
@Bluegirlfromwyo: I had convinced him that he was on a lease and they would return him to the police if they were not happy.
Why the police, I don’t know. May be because my brother thought they were scary? I had also convinced him that if he asked my parents they would deny it because they didn’t want to hurt his feelings by letting him know. I must have been 10 or so and my brother around 4. Diabolique.
OTH my parents would make me take him with me when I was out playing with my friends. That was a real pain.
JustRuss
@OzarkHillbilly: My best friend and I used to pick on my little brother, one time he picked up a wooden block and bashed me in the forehead with it. As blood streamed past my eyes, I was sure he’d split my skull open. We kinda backed off after that.
laura
When we were wee, we tried to turn our little brother into superman by belting and roping him to Grama Liz’ clothesline. The belt broke and we ended up hanging him by the neck briefly. We all got a whopping- the youngest pulled out from under the bed by his feet to get his.
Anotherlurker
Thank you, Ms. BC! I now have to clean the coffee from my screen and keyboard. This is the funniest Xmas story I have ever heard. It is much more believable than stories of angelic children being angelic children.
schrodingers_cat
Moral of this thread: Jackals were jackals since they were young.
MoCA Ace
@raven:
I once did that in the high school lunch room with a string of 200 firecrackers! dropped them from under my coat and kept walking. Only me and my BF knew who done it. Luckily some chucklehead started bragging almost immediately that it was him and he got suspended for a month. This was way back when that was just the kind of stunts we idiots pulled… now days you would be sitting in prison for that!
MoCA Ace
@OzarkHillbilly: Brother got sick of being tormented and hit me in the face with a garden hoe! Split my forehead open right under the eyebrow. I came stumbling into the house soaked in blood and boy howdy did he get some from my mom! Being a slow learner there was still the BB gun incident and a rock to the head!
I look at my grandsons now and keep telling the older one to ease up because his brother won’t always be so small.
way2blue
Ms Cracker. Thanks for the laugh!
Emma
I forgot how much I love this story. Thank you.
WaterGirl
I went looking for the previous posts with this story, and in one of those Betty makes mention of the Drunken Auntie’s cookie baking night. That totally makes me want to be one of the Drunken Aunties. It sounds so fun. That would never happen in my family.
JanieM
@WaterGirl: Drunken Aunties sounds like a band…Drunken Aunties Cookie Baking Night sounds like a song, or the title of a hilarious mystery novel…..
It wouldn’t happen in my family either…or, well, the cookie-baking yes, the drunken aspect no. For better and worse, I guess.
Ruckus
Betty C.
Back from my half day of work, finished a project! Yea.
Anyway, I didn’t say that I really enjoyed this story, even if I’ve read it before, which of course I did but it’s as good in every telling. It’s as funny the second time. Quite likely the 20th time as well.
The other thing is the number of you that have stories of, OK I’m just going to call like it is, abuse by children towards other children. How the hell did any of us grow up not being assholes?
MoCA Ace
My little brother is an asshole :) Love him anyways!
Me however… I’m a paragon of virtue and pure as the driven snow. I guess some of us just rise above. ;)
Platonicspoof
Thanks for the wonderful story and illustrations Betty!
And your portrayals from the point of view of kids and animals remind me of Hyperbole and a Half.
Hope you do a book some day.
Tehanu
Great story, made me laugh. I do hope you and your sister get along better nowadays!
J R in WV
@germy:
Late getting to this… but I was with my cousin as we went through her dad’s files after his death a couple of decades ago. My father’s family visited Europe and Granddad’s family in Switzerland — in 1938!
Evidently one of my uncles (or perhaps my father?) collected flags of the countries they visited. They were in Vienna as the celebration of “Anschluss” was beginning, and the whole city was draped in German banners and flags. Of course at the time the German flag was a scarlet banner with a white circle filled with a black swastika.
She pulled that thing out of her father’s file in his basement and we were both shocked. Story was our uncle John had climbed a street light, pulled the flag and it’s little pole down, rolled it up and thrust it down his pants, just before a group of uniformed German storm-troopers marched around the corner!
That could have choked my whole family off by the roots!! But they got away with it, as teen aged boys sometimes do.
J R in WV
Also, Betty Cracker tells the greatest stories.
Some of them are even true!!!
This one never pales, will always be a great time on Balloon Juice at Xmas!