Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

I’m just a talker, trying to find a channel!

I’d try pessimism, but it probably wouldn’t work.

You are so fucked. Still, I wish you the best of luck.

The gop is a fucking disgrace.

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”

“woke” is the new caravan.

Fundamental belief of white supremacy: white people are presumed innocent, minorities are presumed guilty.

Tick tock motherfuckers!

Let me file that under fuck it.

In after Baud. Damn.

A sufficient plurality of insane, greedy people can tank any democratic system ever devised, apparently.

The US Supreme Court is on the ballot in november.

Is it negotiation when the other party actually wants to shoot the hostage?

The arc of the moral universe doesn’t bend itself. it’s up to us.

“Why isn’t this Snickers bar only a nickel?”

“When somebody takes the time to draw up a playbook, they’re gonna use it.”

Tide comes in. Tide goes out. You can’t explain that.

It’s a new day. Light all those Biden polls of young people on fire and throw away the ashes.

People are complicated. Love is not.

How any woman could possibly vote for this smug smarmy piece of misogynistic crap is beyond understanding.

They are lying in pursuit of an agenda.

Republicans firmly believe having an abortion is a very personal, very private decision between a woman and J.D. Vance.

Roe isn’t about choice, it’s about freedom.

You’re just a puppy masquerading as an old coot.

You are here: Home / Open Threads / If We Were All in Florida, and There was No Covid, How Would We Celebrate Betty’s Birthday?

If We Were All in Florida, and There was No Covid, How Would We Celebrate Betty’s Birthday?

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If We Were All in Florida, and There was No Covid, How Would We Celebrate Betty's Birthday?

If we were all in Florida, and there was no Covid, how would you want to celebrate Betty’s birthday?

I am torn between hanging out at the tiki bar – and if they don’t have one at the new place yet, we might have to help the Mister build it first – and having a modified Drunken Aunties cookie-making session. Oh, and doing some fun cooking together.  We might have to make it an entire weekend.

The real question, of course, is whether she would have us!

Open thread.

Reader Interactions

208Comments

  6. 6.

    dr. bloor

    The real question, of course, is whether she would have us!

    Well, bring a bottle just to make sure your welcome, but I imagine Betty would regard our reactions to snakes and gators crossing the deck during cocktail hour as being well worth the invasion.

  7. 7.

    Yutsano

    Birb watching, multiple snuggle sessions with Badger, gator dodging, and trying not to die in the humidity.

    At least I would think so.

  11. 11.

    Soprano2

    Happy birthday to Betty from a fellow Pisces. I turn 60 in two days, still hard to believe I’m that old.

  13. 13.

    Mike in NC

    When in Florida, I always have to get a Cuban sandwich or a fried grouper sandwich. Only Florida has the best of those.

  14. 14.

    frosty

    Happy Birthday Betty!

    We just left the Keys, in Naples now. I’m down with everything Yutsano recommended in #7. Except my gator reaction will be a yawn – I’ve lost count of how many I’ve seen in the last month. But I saw my first crocodile in the Everglades a couple of days ago! No Burmese Pythons though.

  20. 20.

    Miss Bianca

    Party drinks at the tiki bar would definitely be part of the equation. I like the birding idea too. Drunk birding?

  21. 21.

    Baud

    The real question, of course, is whether she would have us

    She’ll probably become a superspreader just to keep that from happening.

  23. 23.

    Alison Rose

    After my Grandma passed in 2012 and my Grandpa was moved up to an assisted living facility in Pennsylvania, I never planned on setting foot in Florida again, no offense to Betty or any other Floridian Jackals. The bugs, the humidity, the drivers, the humidity, THE FUCKING HUMIDITY I’M SORRY I’M FROM CALIFORNIA WHY IS YOUR AIR ALWAYS 98% WATER EVEN WHEN IT’S 90 DEGREES…

    But okay, in the fantasy land where I can travel ever at all, and end up back in Florida, I would want to talk about birds and maybe go to the flea market, my favorite thing there. No idea where Betty resides in relation to Delray Beach, but if you’re anywhere near The Boys, I’d say BITCH LET’S GO. I could–and did–spend nearly a whole day in that place more than once. It felt like a party to me, that’s for sure.

  24. 24.

    WaterGirl

    @Baud: Read the directions, dammit!  There is no covid, so she would have to try to get rid of us another way.

    Is Betty a “you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here” person?

  31. 31.

    MagdaInBlack

    Happy Birthday, Betty.
    I’d be content on the porch with a glass of ice tea, and my feet up on the rail.

  37. 37.

    lowtechcyclist

    @Mike in NC: ​

    When in Florida, I always have to get a Cuban sandwich or a fried grouper sandwich. Only Florida has the best of those.

    You’re absolutely right about the Cubans. Anywhere else, they try to gussy them up, and whatever the result is, it’s not a Cuban.

    Also baked goodies involving guava. When we get off the plane in Tampa (my wife grew up in Plant City and still has family there), first thing we do is swing by La Segunda bakery in Ybor City for Cuban sandwiches and guava turnovers.

    I’ve somehow missed out on the fried grouper sandwiches, but since you know about Cuban sandwiches, I’m inclined to trust you on the grouper sandwiches. I think I’m gonna have to try one the next time we’re down, which I hope will be this summer.

  38. 38.

    Jay

    I’d cook y’all my ribs, SWMBO would make mojito’s, and after the third one, would turn to me and say, “okay, I see why you like this place,”

    Happy Birthday Betty.

  40. 40.

    trollhattan

    Wishing you the best birthday ballkicking of Ron DeSantis in the history of Florida Man. Recommend Doc Martins.

  44. 44.

    zhena gogolia

    Happy Birthday!

    A relative of my ex-husband asked me if I liked Florida. I said I’d never been there. She exclaimed, “Oh! We have to get you to Florida!” He said, “Don’t you think there’s a reason she’s never been there? She doesn’t want to go to Florida.” I’m afraid that’s still true.

  48. 48.

    scav

    I think I’d be somewhat off in the corner, plotting ways in which to subtly frighten and/or disturb the neighbors. Also angling for lessons in wine capsule art and actively contributing to the production of raw materials.

  49. 49.

    Mustang Bobby

    I would love to share the good cooking that I know others are capable of (and I most assuredly am not) and bring along my Peterson’s Field Guide to the Birds to add some of the central Florida birds to my life list.

  51. 51.

    Beautifulplumage

    @Doc Sardonic: Oooooh, around Puget Sound we have the one “cubano” sandwich: pork + ham + pickles + mustard. Now I shall go do some research on these different types!

     

    What bread/roll is the best for the base?

  53. 53.

    lowtechcyclist

    @NotMax:

    My wife and I ate there when we were out in Maui, celebrating my 50th birthday.

    I won’t mention how long ago that was!

  55. 55.

    Carolina Dave

    I would Bring (and pay) my excellent contractor to do some work at Betty’s house after previously stopping off at the Walgreens to buy a bottle of booze so we can Do some birding over drinks. I love reading her posts, the turns of a phrase I can only imagine being that creative.  I’ll start reading a Balloon Juice post without noticing the author, halfway thru I’ll laugh and say to myself, Betty Cracker wrote this. Happy birthday from a descendent of other Florida crackers who has the good sense to live elsewhere, but treasure  my visits to the Sunshine state

  56. 56.

    J R in WV

    @Mustang Bobby:

    I think Betty is west coast swamp area, around Tampa Bay perhaps.

    Rum drinks at the Tiki Bar, fer sure!

    The grouper sandwiches were great when we were in Key West almost 50 years ago now. Thin sliced, breaded and quick fried…

  58. 58.

    TomatoQueen

    Ah, the trick is to be patient and wait for the cursor to turn up. Happy Birthday, Betty.  May the limpkins shaddup briefly. May Badger calm down for a minute. May the otters frolic.

  60. 60.

    Sure Lurkalot

    Happy birthday to a wise and witty woman whom I’ve never met but who makes me laugh, sometimes at things that make me want to cry. Still have to admit, I tend to agree with Alison Rose #23 about Florida and I grew up in humidity. But I’d go there to meet Betty and see those beautiful birds. A cubano, grouper sandwich and some cold brews would be nice after this cold snap.

  61. 61.

    Hoodie

    @zhena gogolia: Florida is one of those places that has been loved to death.  It’s full of ridiculous feral people and other crimes against nature, but there are parts that are sublime, even with all the overdevelopment.   I always wonder what is was like when it wasn’t covered in nail salons and theme parks.   Kind of like my dad’s description of pre-war S. California.

  66. 66.

    Quinerly

    Happy birthday Betty!

    Never knew we shared 2/22 (along with Drew Barrymore, George Washington, and Teddy Kennedy) . I had a milestone today myself. Ugh.

    DMV and dash in and out of Big Lots (I had a momentof feeling frisky in my Pandemic life)

    I miss all of our old lives.

    Toasting us all with strong Sazeracs..  rye not bourbon, real absinthe,  1/2 sugar cube, lemon peel. Straight! ?

  67. 67.

    FlyingToaster

    Alas, I suspect that Betty feels about Massachusetts the way I feel about Florida*, so I think we should stay in our respective corners.

    Happy Birthday, Betty!

    *This Weather is WRONG, humans aren’t designed to live in this, and why am I sneezing all the damn time?  30 years since my parents retired down there, and I can’t stand it.

  69. 69.

    Doc Sardonic

    @Beautifulplumage: The difference is that the Tampa has Genoa Salami added, both are on Cuban bread. The Medianoche or Midnight sandwich is the same just on a sweeter egg bread, think Cuban Challah.

  79. 79.

    citizen dave

    “I’ll start reading a Balloon Juice post without noticing the author, halfway thru I’ll laugh and say to myself, Betty Cracker wrote this”

    Same for me, it’s a delightful feeling.  Happy Birthday to my favorite Florida Woman.  I’ve been to Florida 2 or 3 times, but not in the 21st century.  Oh I take that back, just recalling flying through Jacksonville and Orlando on flights, so only the airports.  Orlando happened to be spring break, so not good Southwest choosing on my part.  I think I went NOLA-Orlando-Indianapolis.

    I would have actually visited Orlando in December for work meetings, but there are good things about the virus, I guess.

    I would celebrate with Betty by telling her about our runt cat named Betty (adopted with littermate Lulu) who lived 15.5 excellent years.

  81. 81.

    Quinerly

    @lowtechcyclist: “The Weather Is Here, Wish You Were Beautiful.”….

    Pure poetry. ?

    Now, my serious side recommends Buffet doing “Stars Fell on Alabama.” Think it was off of “Coconut Telegraph” album also. ’80/81.

  82. 82.

    RobertDSC-Mac Mini

    Dress up as a giant cockroach and scream “Squash that bug! Squash that bug!”

    Happy B-day, Betty. Thank you for everything you do.

  83. 83.

    raven

    @Quinerly: “The cannons don’t thunder there’s nothin to plunder I’m an over 70 victim of fate. . . ” He used to play the Ruby Gulch in Champaign, just him and his axe, no coral reefers.

  85. 85.

    Kattails

    Happy Birthday Betty! What to do?  Whatever the b’day girl wants FFS, you follow along smilingly and note how gorgeous and witty she is. Fellow Piscean here.

  88. 88.

    geg6

    Sitting on the dock in the swamp with the pups, drinking wine and admiring the lovely wine foil animals that the birthday gal has so cleverly created.  Maybe some charcuterie with some crusty bread and a butter lamb

    Happy birthday, Betty!????

  92. 92.

    The Moar You Know

    THE FUCKING HUMIDITY I’M SORRY I’M FROM CALIFORNIA WHY IS YOUR AIR ALWAYS 98% WATER EVEN WHEN IT’S 90 DEGREES…

    @Alison Rose: I too am from the Golden State and attended a Microsoft conference in Orlando in September, which I thought might be habitable but fuck no, it was not.  95+ every day with 98% humidity.  The difference between outside (walking to and from said conference) and inside was at least 35 degrees and as a result, I was violently ill by the second day.  Apparently they’d been doing it at this time of the year for almost a decade, which explains why it is that Microsoft does not seem to learn from their mistakes.  The next year someone finally got a clue and held it in November.  I wasn’t there.

  94. 94.

    CaseyL

    @Dorothy A. Winsor:

    We could have a butter lamb making contest.

    Combine this with a Margarita-Making Drinking Contest, and we have the social event of the year!​
     

    Happy Birthday, Betty!

  98. 98.

    Quinerly

    @raven: ??

    He played my old college (East Carolina University) in the late ’70’s. He and his band would end up at Patana Bob’s after the shows and continue on. I need to dig out those pics of Mr. Buffet at the bar.

  99. 99.

    bystander

    Happy Birthday, BC!

    That said, Covid or no, too many yucky things about Florida to make me spend $$$ there.  Sorry but too many blue places to vacation in.

  101. 101.

    cain

    oh yeah -happy birthday Betty – I hope you have as good a glass of wine as I am having! Have a wonderful evening! I assume it is Boxer is one that is going to get spoiled not you :D

    ETA – whoooooaaaa — the second time today that I got a binary number – last time it was 111, now it is 101! LUCKY – comment #5 y’all!

  103. 103.

    geg6

    @lowtechcyclist:

    Anna Maria Island is one of the very small number of places I might consider going back to in FL.  My John’s daughter and granddaughter live in Bradenton, so that is where we’ve stayed in the past.  Feels like quirky old Florida to me, like it’s in a time warp from before Florida got so over commercialized and went completely insane.

  105. 105.

    Jim, Foolish Literalist

    @geg6: Maybe some charcuterie with some crusty bread and a butter lamb

    aw, that sounds so good
    I could devour an entire charcuterie board right about now

  106. 106.

    raven

    @geg6: The Saints of Old Florida.

     

    A collaboration between Melissa Farrell, Christina McDermott and Emily Raffield. We invite you to get lost in Old Florida, a place where a genuine essence of simplicity, adventure and community thrive. All of these saints are shared in Saints of Old Florida through personal stories, written contributions by area locals, meaningful recipes, vintage relics and authentic photography.

  110. 110.

    Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)

    @The Moar You Know:

    95+ every day with 98% humidity.  The difference between outside (walking to and from said conference) and inside was at least 35 degrees and as a result, I was violently ill by the second day

    That was my experience at Disney World when I was 6. Had lunch at an air conditioned park restaurant, went outside to watch a parade where it was like 100 F w/ 99% humidity, then got sick and threw up in the restaurant’s bathroom ?

  112. 112.

    Cowgirl in the Sandi

    Happy Birthday Betty!

    From Tin Cup Chalice:
    Give me oysters and beer for dinner every day of the year
    And I’ll feel fine, I’ll feel fine…

  114. 114.

    Quinerly

    @raven: I’m inspired… Listening to “White Sport Coat and Pink Crustacean” right now.

    Will move on to “Last Mango in Paris.”

    ?

  115. 115.

    SiubhanDuinne

    Sorry to be so late (was zooming a thing from the Chamber Music Society of Lincoln Center until a few minutes ago), but HIPPO BIRDIES TWO EWE, Betty C!

  118. 118.

    Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)

    @Hoodie:

    Based on my scholarly viewings of Boardwalk Empire, Florida in the 1920s at least was extremely underdeveloped. Much more swamp and Everglades I’d imagine

    Kind of like my dad’s description of pre-war S. California.

    Which reminds me of the opening narration of L.A. Noir:

    The City on the verge of greatness. A new type of city based not on the man, but on the automobile. The car, the symbol of freedom and vitality.

    Where every man can own his own home and have room to breath and not be overlooked by his neighbors. The city where a man’s home is his castle. A quarter acre of the dream made possible by victory. The city of opportunists. The city of dreams where Hollywood will shape the thoughts and desires of the entire planet.

    The city of pioneers. The city of dreamers. A city of undercurrents where not everything is as it seems. A 20th century city that will become a model for the world. The city that has no boundaries that will stretch as far as the eye can see.

    Always gives me goosebumps. I love the word choices and tone. It reads like a classic noir film/novel but with the prescience of the present

  120. 120.

    drunkenhausfrau

    I’d risk seeing a snake to celebrate with birds, Tiki bar, and cooking! Happy birthday!

    ???

  122. 122.

    susanna

    Happy Birthday, you witty, llvely and lovely woman.   I hope you’re off having a memorable celebration.  Thanks for all you bring to this site.

  127. 127.

    Yutsano

    Does this count as a present? Gym Jordan not gonna like this one.

    George Clooney and Smokehouse Pictures are set to produce a new docuseries based on an October 2020 Sports Illustrated story by @Jon_Wertheim, about a decades-long abuse scandal in the athletic department at Ohio State Universityhttps://t.co/5R9OiR7b4N— The Hollywood Reporter (@THR) February 23, 2021

  128. 128.

    raven

    @Goku (aka Amerikan Baka): Oh yea, we got the butter beans, okra and maters in Cordele on the way down and it was a matter of catching the fish. Pomps are fun, they are small but they hit hard and will take your rod right out of the spike.

  130. 130.

    raven

    @Jay: I was fortunate enough to meet her with a friend who did a documentary about her. Her sister in Jonetta Cole, famous educator.

  132. 132.

    BruceFromOhio

    If We Were All in Florida, and There was No Covid, How Would We Celebrate Betty’s Birthday?

    Pitch a tent, bury a pig, tap the keg. Later, crocodile races. Maybe set something on fire.

  133. 133.

    Quinerly

    @raven: I used to know all his lyrics by heart up to about 2000 releases. I’m a lyrics chick… Check out “Fruit Cakes” album… Think his cover of an old Patsy Cline song.. with a twist… is on it… “She’s Got You.”

  135. 135.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @Quinerly:

    Haven’t read the thread, so perhaps missed it, but Happy Birthday to You, too! How cool is that, that Quinerly and Betty Cracker share a birthday?!

  137. 137.

    Nicole

    Happiest of birthdays, Betty, and wishing you a glorious year ahead.

    I would have brought over our karaoke machine, so we could sing all the 1980s songs. All of them.

  139. 139.

    Kayla Rudbek

    Tour of Kennedy Space Center and/or Key West, with drunken cookie-making and drunken crafting session (and as long as we keep the butter out of the yarn everything will be fine). Happy birthday, Betty Cracker!

  140. 140.

    Jay

    @raven:

    I have seen them on the reefs, and in the freezers at T&T, but never eaten them.

    And thank you so much for introducing us to American Beach, and MaVynee Oshun Betsch, may she rest in power.

  145. 145.

    JanieM

    Yay, Betty! Hope it’s been a great day!

    You, Quinerly, George Washington, and Doctor J……quite a 2/22 crew.

  148. 148.

    Omnes Omnibus

    HBD, BC. I have to say that I am more likely to Zoom than go to Florida, so you are reasonably safe. You are welcome.

  151. 151.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @NotMax:

    Amongst my all-time favourite dishes. It’s been a good 45 years since I’ve had pompano papillote, but I can smell and taste it in memory!

  153. 153.

    Spanish Moss

    Happy birthday Betty! My family is from Florida, both sides, and though I grew up in AL and live in MA now I still love to visit. You had me at “anyhoo”.

  155. 155.

    RandomMonster

    I’d bring calico beans that would win the hearts of everyone with a functioning palate. Then I’d have two beers but leave so I would have no worries about being over the limit.

  156. 156.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @raven:

    Johnnetta Cole had the most extraordinary speaking voice. Decades ago when she was at Spelman, I called her office about something or other. She phoned me back, left a message, and I was so knocked out by her voice that I never erased it. I met her a few years later and told her about that. She was very gracious.

  159. 159.

    Martin

    I’d build her a tiki bar so she could host us properly. Maybe even a little cabinet to hold the wine foil origami zoo.

    I lived on the east coast long enough to not be phased by the humidity. I’d not enjoy it, but I’d be ready for it.

  161. 161.

    Keith P.

    If We Were All in Florida, and There was No Covid, How Would We Celebrate Betty’s Birthday?

    I’d probably spring for a mariachi band to celebrate the life and times of Rush Limbaugh at his grave site.

  165. 165.

    JanieM

    @SiubhanDuinne: I had never heard of Johnetta Cole, but because you mentioned her voice I wondered if she could be found on YouTube.

    Indeed, there’s lots over there! E.g. this one, which I’m bookmarking to listen to tomorrow.

    Thanks for the pointer.

  169. 169.

    Benw

    Happy birthday Betty.

    We should pick you up some Krispy Kremes and some Publix key lime pies and meet you in the carport.

  177. 177.

    jl

    Aren’t those two living in a tiny paradise out the middle of some impenetrable hell swamp, completely surrounded by savage beasts? The tiny paradise is guarded by the Cracker super dogs, of course.

    Can’t be no covid there. The fire breathing alligators burn it up. They can do as they please.

    So, happy birthday.

  178. 178.

    Yutsano

    Going with the in all honesty thing…

    I’m with M⁴. You couldn’t catch me in Florida no matter the reason or the season. Heck I’m not even my loud brash Jewish Cubana sista from another motha could do that. Well maybe but she lives in Miami.

  182. 182.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @Kayla Rudbek:

    Have been, and will be, thinking of you. May it all go well for you tomorrow. You have a huge cheering section here (which, of course, you well know!)

  187. 187.

    Steeplejack

    Let us note that Mr. Cracker’s birthday was last Friday (if my Balloon Juice notes are correct).

  192. 192.

    Dan B

    @Doc Sardonic: There was a place near us, in the neighborhood where artists fled from bazillionalire galleries and rent, that had Cubano like you describe.  It tasted sublime as the jets shook the rafters a couple hundred feet from the runway. Sadly departed but not from falling Boeing bits.

     

    And…Happy Birthday Betty whose descriptions of miscreants and their antics are in a league of their own!

  193. 193.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @Yutsano:

    Yeah, Perdue declared a few days ago, but for Warnock’s seat in 2022. Either Loeffler runs against Perdue in the primary, or waits until 2026, or runs for a different office. Or none of the above.

  194. 194.

    CaseyL

    @NotMax: ​
      My god, that sounds delish.

    When we first moved to Miami Beach, back in ’69, we used to go fishing off Haulover Pier every so often. Caught pompano, red snapper, bluefish. Dad cleaned them at the beach, Mom cooked them at home, and they were the Best Things Ever.

  197. 197.

    Ruckus

    Was away for a bit and didn’t wish Betty a happy B day. But I ended up being able to add Quinerly to the B day happy wishes so all was not lost.

    @Kayla Rudbek:

    Best of luck tomorrow.

  199. 199.

    Betsy

    @Carolina Dave:

    So funny because that is EXACTLY how I feel when I read Betty’s posts.

    And like you I’m a Florida cracker descendant in Nockalina.

    I love her way with words, and appreciatively steal her material when it’s apropos enough to something in my own life.

    Just for example, I can’t  recall how many times I’ve called someone “crazier than a sprayed roach” in the last few years.

  203. 203.

    JAFD

    Belated felicitations on your natal anniversaries, Betty and Quinerley !

    Good luck, Kayla !

    And meself – using Waterfox Classic 2021.01.1 64 bit with Win 10 – couldn’t bring cursor into comment box on first try.  Cured by reloading page.  Minor problem, but thot I’d mention

  205. 205.

    PaulWartenberg

    I would just politely wave hello from the front door of Bartow Public Library and then go back to work screaming at patrons who refuse to cover their noses with the damn masks.

  206. 206.

    Betty Cracker

    Awww, thanks y’all! The mister and I had a fine time, just the two of us sharing a bottle of decent claret, leftover roast chicken, a spectacular sunset and then binge-watching Twin Peaks (the birthday monarch gets to control all media in this house). The big party will have to wait until next year! Sincerely appreciate the birthday greetings. :)

  207. 207.

    cope

    @Betty Cracker:  Once this post started rolling downhill and picking up speed, I decided to wait until it came to a halt at the bottom to say happy natal day, Ms. Cracker so “happy natal day, Ms. Cracker”. Thank you for your service.

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