First section of this installment here.
… That any of the above came as much of a surprise to Mr and Mrs G. B. Public is testimony to the sheer scale of the propaganda effort being sold to British customers as ‘News’, as it is to the sheer audacity of the Infotainment outlets packaging deliberate misinformation as ‘News’, and to the delusional willingness of millions of my fellow countrypeeps to believe whatever convenient myths they’re offered rather than credit the evidence of their own eyes, just as long as those myths comfort their nagging sensation of itchy guilt and come wrapped up in the bright colours and familiar sounds of ‘News’. Everyone already knew this and yet people still voted for them, cry the talking-heads, so by virtue Rule 538.4a of the Mini-Machiavelli 4 Modern Maestros guidebook it’s obviously not important and going on about it is just losertalk.
Which would be a good and valuable point to make, if it wasn’t a pile of disingenuous nonsense and neither good, nor valuable, or even really a point at all. Everyone didn’t ‘know’ this. Some people had been saying things like it, yes, often loudly and frequently, with tons of real-time evidence to back up their claims, but without the enormous national megaphone accorded to the architects of pro-Tory misinformation their warnings have had all the bandwidth of a fart in a bath and had been routinely dismissed as either partisan sniping or unproven conspiracy theorising, or both, and in any case definitely not the kind of opinion the forelock-tugging flagstraddlers of Lesser Brexitannia would either want or need to be exposed to. Coming from such a senior figure within the Conservative Government, a man who only a year ago we were being told was so integral to everything the Government was trying to do that he was basically the Hand to Flobalob Johnson’s flatulent King, and to paraphrase the corporate motto of the World’s Greatest Soccerball Team, ‘This Means More’.
Now, let’s be very clear here. Dominic Cummings is a genuinely nasty bastard with a Ripper’s trail of carnage soaking his ledger and, should he one day be found hanging from a pedestrian footbridge with a bound and gagged Nigel Farage stuffed up his arse, the tracks of my tears would be drier than a Martian wadi. He’s a professional liar with clear links to the murky techno-anarchist fraternity of bomb-throwing dataminers financially fluffed into being by American billionaires, Russian kleptogarchs, Australian hatevendors and various Middle-Eastern ‘interests’ with cash to stash and boycotts to swerve, his stated aim of blowing up the entire British Civil Service so that it can be replaced with a eugenically-selected caste of creative/destructive megaminds wielding dictatorial powers in order to ‘get shit done’ sounds no different to me than any other misanthropic loser’s Statement of Aims and translates easily to “In this post-Apocalyptic dystopia of my creation all of my fiery dreams of intercourse will come true!” and according to the people who track such things it was his ‘family trip’ to Barnard Castle during the first Lockdown, combined with the obvious lies he told about it and the concerted Human Shield thrown up around him by Johnson and All Tories Everywhere (oh yes, a year ago it was an unpatriotic sin to doubt the ethereal honesty of St Dominic of Cummings) that more than anything else shattered the Public’s faith in Lockdown being a “We’re all in it together” national effort.
That said, and in full knowledge that his transparently obvious motivation on Wednesday was to present himself as the only sensible guy in all of the rooms where the deaths from Covid of tens of thousands of innocent people were being dismissed as the price of doing business, and that his cosy closeness to certain Tory aspirants to Flobalob Johnson’s shaky throne (Rishi Sunak, I’m looking right at you) means that a good portion of his invective has to be seen as brush-clearing for the next round of Tory Party reconstruction, at the end of the day he was in all of those rooms and he was there as Johnson’s eyes, ears and rending jaws. When the Prime Minister’s former chief political advisor goes in front of a pair of Parliamentary committees to answer questions about the Government’s response to Covid and basically calls it a complete failure that they should all fall on their swords for…. yeah, that’s the kind of thing that gets things moving.
Will it? Ha-ha-haaaaaaaa (wipes eyes) no, no it won’t.
First, a brief shuffle backwards across the kelp-streaked stones of yesterweek to lay out where we were before Cummings began his extended roast. It was a busy time, and as usual in Lesser Brexitannia, that’s not a good thing. Following the conclusion of local and regional elections in which they deliberately equated the successes of the NHS Vaccination program with voting Tory to ‘Get
BrexitCovid Done’, the Government had ‘suddenly’ noticed that the spread of the so-called ‘Indian Variant’ of Covid (Modi-Johnston Variant sounds more apt to me) in places like Bolton and Bedford might blow a huge, gaping hole in their plans to end all Lockdown restrictions on the 21st of June.
As usual the Media did a comprehensive job of dead-batting any suggestion that Johnson’s deliberate refusal to offend Modi and/or imperil a potential UK/India Trade Deal by red-listing arrivals from India back when it might have done some good had made the spread of the M-J variant pretty much inevitable, but again as usual, the virus and its mutations do not give a monkey’s chuff how they are given time and opportunity to do what they do, they just do it. Now scientists are warning that a Third Wave of infection is already here and the Government’s obsession with repeating the deadly mistakes of last Summer, with its vast transfer of wealth and infection under the label of “Eat Out to Help Out” (Credit – Rishi “I’m only light brown” Sunak) is looking more and more strained. Those with suspicious minds are, of course, of the opinion that Flobalob is hoping that vaccination will keep the numbers of dead low enough for him to keep on lifting restrictions and benefit politically from being The Man Who Saved Our Summer. That bilious twatwaffle simply cannot learn, because he’s never had to. A lifetime of selfish entitlement and consequence-free jollygagging behind a screen of elite protection has led him to the pinnacle of political life and all the grift he can imagine. What’s to learn?
Case in point, a few weeks ago the Tories released a report from its Commission on Race and Ethnic Disparities that met with pretty universal mockery and bitch-slap anger from everyone with a functioning soul. The question asked was about institutional racism and its effects on Black British society, the answer its collection of British Diamonds and Silks came up with was that the former didn’t exist and the latter should stop whining about it and just accept that being a cesspit of drug use and broken homes was entirely its own fault and nothing to do with… Whipeepl? Honkoids? Crackerwhackers? Whatever Ebonics jibber-jabber ‘Those People’ have to use because they can’t hack it in proper school. To back up their ‘findings’ they relied on misquoting experts, lying about the input of stakeholders and mangling the hell out of the findings the majority of the Commission’s members thought they’d reached. Did you know that slavery in Jamaica and other British colonies in the region wasn’t so bad because it introduced those savages to western ideas that allowed them (the opportunity, which they mostly failed to grasp, natch) to make something of themselves once, y’know, the Masters had gotten all snowflakey and outgrown the need for ‘staff with benefits’? Indeed, and I am not even joking here, ‘slavery’ is such a loaded word, better to call it the “Caribbean Experience”.
Caribbean fucking Experience? Please, insert your own WTF historical analogies here. I’ve already used up ‘Auschwitz Adventure’ and ‘Wounded Knee Wonderland’, but I’m sure there’s a wide range of disbelief you can mine along the same face-palming lines.
Thing is, that was a few weeks ago, but we don’t hear bugger all about it now.
You may also have heard that the BBC was entirely responsible for driving Saint Diana of the Tilted Shoulder Simper to her untimely death by pumping her full of some exotic truth-serum and recording her blathering on about relatively unimportant topics. What were they? Betrayed by her husband? Hounded by the Media? Ostracised by the Royal Family? Never mind all that, the thing to bear in mind in all this is the fact that BBC reporter Martin Bashir forged some paperwork in order to get a meeting with Britain’s Blonde Martyr and outpitch the BBC’s rivals to an interview with her, and that’s the only reason she died, and it didn’t happen 26 years ago (because that would be a silly thing to get riled up about now, what with a pandemic and Brexit and all that), it only happened yesterday, and so the Government has no choice but to seriously consider changes to the BBC’s charter to ensure that it can’t murder any more beloved royals.
The fact that the Director General and Chairman of the BBC are Tory placemen and the Corporation has been turned into a neutered spokesgimp for Number 10’s Communications whip-snappers should make it easier for these necessary changes to take place without any unsightly verbiage about “political interference” or “hang on, wasn’t it the pro-Tory Press that was calling her a vapid slut” polluting the national airwaves. Yes, there have been suggestions that all of this is just a transparently bullshit excuse to rip the BBC apart and sell it off to the likes of Murdoch, but those journalists will soon learn that there are narratives and there are Narratives, and there will always be a need for someone to cover the weather report in Scunthorpe, pour encourages les outres.
Thing is, that was a few weeks ago, but we don’t hear bugger all about it now.
There was just a report released about Islamophobia in the Tory Party. It should have been a full-on Equality and Human Rights Commission investigation like the one that was launched into claims of anti-Semitism in the Labour Party, but the not-at-all Government-controlled leadership of the EHRC decided that, since the Tories had said they’d hold their own investigation, there wasn’t any need to embarrass the good, wholesome folks of the Conservative Party by making them bathe in the same water as that awful do-gooder Jeremy Corbyn (spit). After all, there was a convenient meme out there that the very fact that the EHRC was investigating the Labour Party was damning enough to require that horrible person’s immediate resignation, so it would just be rude to expose the Tory Party to that kind of inference, I mean, how would it effect the mood at future dinner parties if you were the person who had put a friend of Orban on the same level as a lifetime campaigner against any form of racism? Terribly, that’s how! Especially if the friend of Orban had brought the right kind of wine to go with the fish course and had children in the same fee-paying school as your brats go to. Again, priorities.
A cynical person would perhaps agree with the former head of the EHRC and say that, as an institution, it is far, far too obedient to the whims of the people that oversee it, but this is Britain, and interrogating the wrong people can get you put on the non-official naughty shelf quicker than you can say “I’d like a move to regional news, please. Behind the scenes if possible, thanks”.
What did the report conclude? Well, this may astonish you, but it didn’t find the Tory Party to be institutionally Islamophobic. It said (paraphrasing) that Johnson had said and written a ton of things that ‘seemed’ Islamophobic before he became PM, but that was no reason to think that he would or should continue to spout nasty things now that he had he was PM, even though ‘some people’ might suggest that he only won the Tory Party leadership race in 2019 because he had a reputation as a racist POS. It went on to conclude that, though the Tory Party triggered every theoretical land-mine in regards to complaints about Islamophobia, how it dealt with it, recorded it, and how its Muslim members felt about all of the above, the person filing the report felt that the Tory Party had just made a few mistakes that might lead someone to believe it might be totally Islamophobic, but it wasn’t, honest.
Comparisons with the EHRC report into anti-Semitism in the Labour Party should not, we’re told, be seen as a mirror image of this piss-take of a report into virulent Islamophobia amongst Tories, because that’s a violation of the Narrative, and that’s just not allowed. The fact that the Tory Party’s senior Muslim figures say it’s a blatant whitewash that will only encourage Islamophobia would be something deserving of media coverage, but as Tories they should already understand that ‘those people’ are always whining about perceived slights and are best ignored for the good of social cohesion. After all, it’s not like they’re anonymous Labour staffers with long and sordid histories of working hand in glove with the Israeli Embassy’s propaganda arm to make false accusations of anti-Semitism. Now those people, they had credibility.
And how hard would it be to endlessly fap about the likelihood of Chancellor of the Exchequer Rishi Sunak (who Cummings was extra protective of in his testimony) becoming Tory Party leader and the next PM if our News Media had to acknowledge that the Tory Party membership are about as likely to elect a brown to reign over them as the GQP are to select Liz Cheney as their 2024 candidate? Heaven forfend, that way lies reality, and reality don’t get you no promotion in today’s Infotainment business.
Anyway, that was a few days ago, but we don’t hear bugger all about it now.
You see where I’m going with this? Cummings’ testimony should, in an vaguely rational world, lead to a journalistic feeding frenzy as newspapers and 24 Hour News outlets scramble to dig out the truth and expose it for their viewers to goggle over. But this is Lesser Brexitannia, and that simply isn’t how we do things over here. There’s a decent article in, of all places, the Guardian by ‘brown issues correspondent’ Nesrine Malik which lays out the problem very clearly. To paraphrase, Johnson and the Tories are getting away with everything not because they’re political geniuses or because the Public agrees with them, but because the people whose job it is to oppose them and/or tell the Public what is really going on are either complicit, cowardly or just plain old lazy, and until that changes nothing else will change, except to get worse. Again, I’m sure none of this sounds exactly foreign to you. Britain is following along the same weighted arc of madness that gave America Trump and the GQP, we’re just doing it wrapped in a Union Jack and smelling of stale tea.
I could go on [Ed – Please don’t, we have lives] but won’t [Ed – Thank you, Jeebus!] I’ve barely even mentioned Brexit but that continues to be the radioactive gift that keeps on giving. The planned Trade Deal with Australia looks set to do to British farmers what it’s already done to British fishermen, truckers and Eurovision entrants. Kids showing support for the Palestinian cause are being labelled as ‘radicalised anti-Semites’ and punished by their schools. EU visitors to the UK are being treated like criminals and thrown into detention for talking funny. The scandal over Johnson refurbishing Downing Street to look like an explosion in a stereotype factory and lying about where the money came from has been resolved by the simple expedient of Johnson appointing an underling to ‘investigate’ the issue, with said underling returning a verdict that clears Johnson of any wrongdoing on the grounds that he just assumed that he’d somehow paid the £200,000 bill that a donor picked up and didn’t think to check, like, haven’t we all done that? The Labour Party are even more useless and incompetent than they were last week.
On the plus side….. uh, it’s sunny. So there’s that.
Nah. We’re fucked. Keep on working hard to fix your democracy, Americanoids, because if you don’t, you could be like us. Only with bigger servings.