I was going to do something more serious, but it’s a flat out gorgeous day here, I’ve just come back from clambering over the rocks and staring out towards Ireland in the coastal village in which I may retire (not soon, alas, but not infinitely far off either…). I even managed to forc my obligate-free-lancer-brain-self to take an actual whole weekend off, so why not a bit of why-yes-my-gob-is-well-and-truly-smacked delight/horror at the near perfect, crossing-of-the-streams level malign stupidity to be found in this story.
I now know why I have not yet made the fortune that would hasten my translocation to the seaside. I haven’t taken advantage of the right advice to guide my investments in what really, truly, absolutely aren’t ill-conceived pump and dump scams in digital dress:
Anything with a verifiable birthday or creation date has a birth chart that can be read and, according to astrologers, gleaned for predictive information. That means there’s astrology for relationships, pets, political movements and, yes, bitcoin.
There’s a name for this new field, which is yet one more thing we have to thank the socially-mediated enstupiding of society that so chaps our collective asses right now:
“People can learn about astrology in small, digestible ways through Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, Twitter,” said fellow financial astrologer Robert Weinstein. “Social media is this amplifier for everything in general. And astrology is just one of the things I think is really benefiting from it.”
The Washington Post’s piece centers on a young practitioner of this “art” named Maren Altman, who reassures the reporter that “I’m a really serious person.” She’s now a TikTok star, offering her star-driven financial advice with a video persona that mixes flirtation and woo.
In early January, Maren read bitcoin’s chart, using its creation date, Jan. 3, 2009. “New moon in Capricorn, January 13th, looks big for bitcoin,” Maren says in the video. “Little before that … Saturn will join the bitcoin Mercury exact by degree on January 11th, which looks like some corrections with Mercury and Saturn. It could be news about something that leads to a drop momentarily. But with this new moon, sun moon Pluto, right on top of bitcoin’s Jupiter, this is like atomic-level new beginning.”
In other words, Saturn and Mercury’s position might indicate a drop in value, but Jupiter and Pluto signaled bitcoin’s price would rebound from any correction and continue to rise.
“It looks like such a bull run,” she adds.
I haz a said, though, over the way the article plays out. The reporter followed the passage above with the coy line that “sure enough” bitcoin prices dropped briefly and then doubled by April.
Sure enough…
Oy.
He did both-sides it a little, writing that “many financial planners see it as a load of hooey,” then quoting one who does sort of get at some of the problems with astrological guides to the market. But he then wrecks any possible useful impact by giving an devotee the last word:
“Astrology has always been more of an esoteric kind of initiate, secret knowledge,” Weinstein put it. “It really never was for the masses.”
Translating that statement into news you can use: If you don’t know who the mark at the table is, look in a mirror.
I’m split between mere spectator glee — I’m happy to watch the follies of my fellow anthropoids from a safe distance — and despair. This is how societies become dumber (and more vulnerable to the radical allure of the right, in our current circumstance), not just in the silliness of one young woo-merchant on the web, but the kewl-kid indulgence at the level of major media. I’d bet sawbucks to donuts that the Washington Post’s leaders aren’t trading bitcoin by the planets, but they’re happy to play such silliness for laughs in a venue and framing that conveys one message to those in on the joke, and a very different one to those who are not.
Yeah, that’s a bit grumpy, I guess. But it’s hard enough being a science writer without this kind of help. What the hell. Pointing and laughing releases stress, and can be done here with no mean impact on the target of the ridicule. She (and they) are off to the bank while we’re cavorting on this almost top ten thousand blog, so who’s the clever one anyway.
Hmmmm. That wasn’t any kinder, was it?
I should stop. Happy Solstice, everyone. Have some thread, open as it gets…
Image: Vincent van Gogh, Starry Night, 1889. The obvious choice, I know, and chosen because it is so damn obvious.
Citizen Alan
Let’s be fair now. Are the things that these financial astrologers are saying about bitcoin any more preposterous than what mainstream bitcom supporters are saying? It’s nonsense all the way down. I was dismayed last week when I had to make a visit to the IT department at the court where I work, and I discovered they had ATV screen hanging on the wall that was dedicated to tracking Dogecoin values.
Baud
I always thought of Bitcoin as more alchemy than astrology. Or maybe phrenology.
Flat earthers need to find a way to get in on this hustle.
Hungry Joe
“It is immoral to allow a sucker to keep his money.” — Canada Bill Jones (1837-1877)
David ? ☘The Establishment☘? Koch
As dumb as Dump is, it is also true that you can’t con a con-man.
raven
If anyone ever deserved to win a major it’s John Rahm.
boatboy_srq
I still say cryptocurrency is counterfeiting without a real currency to fake.
?BillinGlendaleCA
@David ? ☘The Establishment☘? Koch: That may be the first thing the man has said, where I agree with him.
boatboy_srq
In Maren Altman’s defense, she does not appear nearly as deeply corrupt as most hedge fund managers, and certainly less than Bernie Madoff.
Taken4Granite
In one of his books Dave Barry wrote that astrology is based on the proven scientific principle that if you know the exact positions of the sun, moon, and planets when someone was born, you can get this person to give you money.
That said, I have to agree with Citizen Alan in the first comment. What we have here is a group of grifters who have found a new outlet for their grift.
Tom Levenson
@boatboy_srq: This is true.
I’m betting, though, that she’s not putting the bulk of her TikTok revenue into crypto. At least I hope not.
dmsilev
Don’t we need to know which constellation of the Zodiac the meteor is arriving from in order to predict its effects?
Also, too, astrology isn’t the right way to predict bitcoin futures. You have to either read the auguries in chicken entrails or read Elon Musk’s Twitter feed. Arguably, there is little distinction.
Le Comte de Monte Cristo, fka Edmund Dantes
Y’all know the Toby Keith song where he swears he’ll never smoke weed with Willie again?
Apply those lyrics to me trying what my 20-somethings had last night. Jesus Christ, that wasn’t the shitty ditch weed of my youth – one hit, and it was like getting smashed in the skull by a smoky brick.
tom
If I weren’t burdened with scruples and a conscience, I could be rich. Alas …
?BillinGlendaleCA
Too bad George Abell’s not around for this, he loved arguing with astrologers. My college roommate had him for Intro to Astronomy.
debbie
@Le Comte de Monte Cristo, fka Edmund Dantes:
It’s death weed. Be glad you survived.
Amir Khalid
Financial astrology was not a phrase I ever thought I’d see. Now that I have seen it, though, I think it suits how at least some financiers do their thing.
?BillinGlendaleCA
@Amir Khalid: You’re probably right, not a new field.
Matt McIrvin
Are the auguries consistent enough that financial astrology can be used to predict where the financial-astrology people are going to put their money? If so, there are opportunities here.
John Revolta
People often forget the second part of W.C. Fields’ dictum, which I think is just as important:
“Never give a sucker an even break, or smarten up a chump”
Raoul Paste
“I was going to do something more serious …”
More serious then Bring On The Meteor?
JMG
Dear Mr. Levinson: Astrology was a big thing in the late ’60s-early ’70s when I was in college, although not on the financial level. “Dawning of the Age of Aquarius” remember? It’s been around as long as astronomy. It scratches some itch deep in the human soul, and getting mad at it is useless. I mean, there are plenty of other reasons to avoid cryptocurrency as an investment.
WaterGirl
@Raoul Paste: Yeah, Bring On The Meteor does seem worse than even DIAF. I wonder what comes after Bring On The Meteor?
Le Comte de Monte Cristo, fka Edmund Dantes
@debbie: Shit’s frighteningly potent. Tried that hit at 1 am, and could swear I was still stoned.
Wife says I was a drooling idiot when I came to bed. She’d gone to bed 20 to 120 minutes before; I walked in and she said “oh god, you smoked their weed with them. Don’t snore.”
hells littlest angel
The Washington Post article doesn’t have comments enabled. Smart, but disappointing, move.
Keith P.
@Le Comte de Monte Cristo, fka Edmund Dantes: “It gets better.”
HumboldtBlue
I’m gonna smoke a bowl.
MagdaInBlack
@Le Comte de Monte Cristo, fka Edmund Dantes: One has to work up to the hi-grade, one doesn’t jump in to the deep end of the pool right off .
I call that : ” geez, glad I was sitting down” weed ?
Le Comte de Monte Cristo, fka Edmund Dantes
@MagdaInBlack:
As I stumbled off to bed, I told them that they had the dog, needed to blow out the torches and had to bring in my guitar.
MagdaInBlack
@Le Comte de Monte Cristo, fka Edmund Dantes: I’m sure they were highly amused ?
lollipopguild
Dear Tom: Please write more good books. You write in a very easy to read style and you do a good job of explaining things to your readers.
neabinorb
I don’t think the practitioners and consumers of astrology have much effect on anything. The practitioners and consumers of mythology on the other hand are in everybody’s business.
Bill Arnold
@dmsilev:
His twitter followers often haven’t a clue, particularly the cryptocurrency fans, and that includes the cryptocurrency press writing about his tweets. Better to know what Mr. Musk reads/is interested in. (Yeah, backstory. :-)
Thread (unrelated):
Bill Arnold
Baudrillard memes:
Ruckus
@boatboy_srq:
I understood that to be the entire point……
I wonder how you make money with it if you have to spend so much on servers and then far more on electricity to run the server farm and the air conditioning. It’s like growing weed was when you had to have a room with no windows, that you could illuminate with grow lights and properly air condition to grow enough to be worth the risk and water but not damage the house and not so much that a cop driving by would know exactly what you were doing and that was OK except that the power company would turn you in because your electric usage was far different than your neighbors.
laura
A little bit of alright for your visual and auditory pleasure:
youtu.be/oxHnRfhDmrk
Mai Naem mobile
Cryptocurrency is just another vehicle for tax dodging and doing other illegal stuff.
Gary K
Why yes — yes it does.
Morzer
Astrology demonstrates that there’s one born every minute. If you are the sort of person who needs that demonstration after watching the Qunuch of Mar-a-Lago fleece the rubes and then skin them alive, well, for a very reasonable fee I will foretell your future. Just cross my palm with a major credit card and prepare yourself for mystic, secret knowledge and a more elegantly compact bank account.
Morzer
@WaterGirl: What comes after the meteor? The financialized buy your own tranche of meteor futures, of course!
Ken
“Make the rubble bounce”?
Ben Cisco (onboard the Defiant)
The president of my bank branch had some basic questions regarding bitcoin. I covered money laundering, human trafficking, oligarchs, and bad actors.
I think we’re safe, for now.
James E Powell
@Le Comte de Monte Cristo, fka Edmund Dantes:
Was it anything like Maureen Dowd’s experience with the edibles?
Ken
You really should have warned him about the bad points, like its volatility and illiquidity.
ian
@David ? ☘The Establishment☘? Koch:
If his dupes don’t have any money, how can they spend it on him?
Another Scott
@Ruckus: It really is astounding how much power is being diverted into this stuff.
Bitcoin Energy Consumption:
Per transaction.
It’s nuts.
:-(
I’ve neglected to congratulate you on your first few days of a very well deserved retirement. Congratulations!!
Cheers,
Scott.
LiminalOwl
@WaterGirl: Recommended reading: Judgement Night, by Henry Kuttner and C.L. Moore. And maybe (though it doesn’t quite answer tge question, The Last Policeman, by Ben H. Winters.
JDM
“Hey Vincent, paint A Starry Night’ again!”
Robert Broughton
@Tom Levenson: Oh, I’ll bet that she is doing unregulated insider trading on Bitcoin.
Here’s how it works: she can say on TikTok that the value of Bitcoins will go up on June 28 because the Moon is in Sagittarius, and it will indeed go up because her followers will buy into it. However, she can buy, say, $100,000 worth of Bitcoin just before publishing her prediction. Then sell off after the rubes follow her advice, and use the profit to buy a yacht or move it into a Cayman Islands bank account. A couple of weeks later, she can predict that the Bitcoin will go down on July 13 because Mercury is in Cancer. When it goes down, she can buy more Bitcoin, and repeat the process.