Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Accountability, motherfuckers.

The press swings at every pitch, we don’t have to.

A sufficient plurality of insane, greedy people can tank any democratic system ever devised, apparently.

We’re watching the self-immolation of the leading world power on a level unprecedented in human history.

She burned that motherfucker down, and I am so here for it. Thank you, Caroline Kennedy.

Jack Smith: “Why did you start campaigning in the middle of my investigation?!”

Sadly, there is no cure for stupid.

I’d hate to be the candidate who lost to this guy.

Their freedom requires your slavery.

“Just close your eyes and kiss the girl and go where the tilt-a-whirl takes you.” ~OzarkHillbilly

Stamping your little feets and demanding that they see how important you are? Not working anymore.

Fight for a just cause, love your fellow man, live a good life.

Thanks to your bullshit, we are now under siege.

I see no possible difficulties whatsoever with this fool-proof plan.

This isn’t Democrats spending madly. This is government catching up.

They want us to be overwhelmed and exhausted. Focus. Resist. Oppose.

Well, whatever it is, it’s better than being a Republican.

Donald Trump found guilty as fuck – May 30, 2024!

There is no right way to do the wrong thing.

Quote tweet friends, screenshot enemies.

“The defense has a certain level of trust in defendant that the government does not.”

They are not red states to be hated; they are voter suppression states to be fixed.

“I was told there would be no fact checking.”

Republicans are radicals, not conservatives.

You are here: Home / Open Threads / Several Anecdotes on the Monster I am Becoming

Several Anecdotes on the Monster I am Becoming

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Sometimes I wonder why I am still single, and then some days, I sit and reflect on my behavior. In the past 72 hours I have:

1.) Followed a car with an out of state license 8 miles out of my way because their license plate said HORNFIXER and I had to know if the driver did rhinoplasty or fixed musical instruments. It was the latter.

2.) When asked by the lady cutting my hair what I wanted I replied “I don’t care I don’t have to look at myself and honestly do you think the haircut is the dealbreaker here?”

3.) Participated in a phone survey run by the University of Chicago for the CDC about the covid virus, repeatedly interrupting him to correct his pronunciation (I was fine overlooking it until he pronounced analyses as analysises and then I couldn’t take it any more), and explained to him that several of the questions were poorly worded and that they are looking for honest answers and not trying to trip someone up during cross examination in court and not to use questions with double negatives all while knowing perfectly well he had nothing to do with the survey design.

4.) Loudly told another burly man at the grocery store who almost ran into me while carrying a bouquet of flowers “Oh, you shouldn’t have.”

5.) When asked by the waitress if I wanted gravy on my mashed potatoes responded “SURE WHAT’S ANOTHER TORPEDO IN A SINKING SHIP.”

I’m sure there is more but I think my mind is trying to protect me and forgetting a lot of it. I now have all of my parent’s worst quirks in one tidy package.

Reader Interactions

61Comments

  3. 3.

    Nukular Biskits

    Sounds like me when I was younger.
    Seriously, if it isn’t too much of a personal question, how old are you, John?
    And, in the interest of fairness, I just turned 57 and my younger coworkers call me … well, I won’t post that here.

  4. 4.

    Ceci n est pas mon nym

    OK, number 5 is pretty funny. Except if you’re the waitress you might be wondering if he’s blaming you for sinking the ship. (You might also be wondering if that’s a “yes” or a “no” on the gravy.) I hope you left a good tip.​​

  7. 7.

    Mathguy

    “SURE WHAT’S ANOTHER TORPEDO IN A SINKING SHIP.”

     

    A phrase well worth stealing. Thanks!

  8. 8.

    chrome agnomen

    it’s probably a good thing we don’t hang out together, because i am at least as snarky ,curious, improv, and fatalistic as you sound.

  10. 10.

    chrome agnomen

    it’s probably a good thing we don’t hang out together, because i am at least as snarky ,curious, improv, and fatalistic as you sound.

     

    when i hit post, the site keeps telling me i have already posted, but by god, it sure ain’t showing up anywhere.

  13. 13.

    The Dangerman

    I’ve solved the second by going Kojak; sure, the shits can all come in gray, but I have the last word with a sharp blade.

  16. 16.

    Juju

    I’m so bad, I laughed at all of the items on your list.  My problem is I sometimes do that sort of thing and I only realize too late what I have done. Recently I was looking at tile for a bathroom redo. There was a man, most likely single, looking at tile as well. He pointed out the one he liked and asked me what I thought of it. I replied that it was very nice, that’s why you see it all over the place.  He looked at me for what seemed like a minute or so then said thanks, shrugged his shoulders and walked away. When I saw the shoulder shrug I realized he probably was not really asking for my opinion. Yes, I really am that dense from time to time. There is also a reason I’m still single.  Holy cow that was a snotty answer.

  22. 22.

    brendancalling

    I was wondering why *I’m* still single and then I remembered that I just don’t care enough about anyone else to be a good partner. My therapist tells me it will only get worse as I grow older.

    C’est la vie, man.

  27. 27.

    OzarkHillbilly

    @Juju: If that’s all the system ate, count yourself lucky. Right now I think the system ate my wee wee.

    Sucks to be me.

  29. 29.

    HeleninEire

    I. CAN’T.STOP. LAUGHING.

    I never wonder why I’m single. I’m single cuz I love being single. It’s the BOMB!

  30. 30.

    lowtechcyclist

    Lemme see if my post gets caught up in immoderation.

    ETA: Looks to me like it’s there.

  33. 33.

    seefleur

    Honestly, if I hadn’t gotten suckered (in the best sense of that word) into marriage 40 years ago, I’d be looking for you John Cole. Pretty much, I have done all of that which you regaled us in this post, within the past couple of weeks – and until I read your post, I didn’t realize that the fact that I’m not single is rather amazing. (My kids would probably just shrug and do the “yeah Mom, whatever…” thing.) I guess my point is that it’s not your “singleness”, it’s just you being you in the best possible way –  and sometimes happiness/contentment is where you find it… regardless of where “where” is

  35. 35.

    Dan B

    @Major Major Major Major: I could not get into comments and got “Cannot connect” “505” ( I think…)  error messages for 45 minutes.  There were no comments on this post so I commented ad was thrown out with the same error message.  Hmmm.

  36. 36.

    ThresherK

    …and explained to him that several of the questions were poorly worded (et al)…

    I can’t fill out a survey without writing margin notes like a would-be scholar annotating Shakespeare.

  37. 37.

    Honus

    I really identified with #1 and #3;  hell, basically all of them.  Must be a West Virginia/Ohio Valley thing.

    Also, too, in answer to Ceci at number 4, of course he got the gravy. It’s Wheeling, Jake.

  39. 39.

    Tdjr

    Longtime lurker here. John, you have reached the point where you don’t give a crap about what people you run into thinks about you. It’s the curmudgeon effect, which I call the Wilford Brimley syndrome. Embrace it. I have.

  40. 40.

    CaseyL

    I love you just the way you are ? but FSM only knows what you’ll be like when you’re my age, when you’re this snarky now.

  44. 44.

    Grumpy Old Railroader

    Ayup, Ima master of these type comments. I saw a friend at the grocery store down at the other end of the aisle and hollered, “Hey Fred. I found ’em. The Preparation H is right here.”

  46. 46.

    Betsy

    I’m right there too.  I have no fix left to give really.  With over thirty years opening another vein for non-reciprocal relationships, employment, and causes, I am utterly spent and the only thing I have left is a desperate self-preservation at this point.

  49. 49.

    WaterGirl

    I went out to dinner with a friend’s family years ago, and when the waitress came to the table and asked how we all were tonight.

    the dad:  “I’m so hungry I could eat the ass out of a rat.”

    waitress:  “I’m sorry sir, that’s not on the menu tonight”

    Pretty sure she got a HUGE tip.

  50. 50.

    LeftCoastYankee

    Probably the only episode I remember of Friends is when Rachel is teaching Joey how to sail a boat, and she’s such a tyrant he quits (and runs and hides).

    She has a revelation something like “Oh my God, all these years I’ve been trying not to become my mother and I’ve become my father!”

    One way or another we become our parents.

  51. 51.

    Ruckus

    @WaterGirl:

    Best restaurant story I have is when I was 17 three friends and I were in a restaurant for lunch. Waitress was newish at the job and brought our lunch, a plate balanced on each arm and one in each hand. There is of course a reason no one else in the restaurant serving cadre carries plates this way. I was sitting closest to the aisle and she reached across me to hand the plate in her left hand to my friend. My lunch of course was delivered at the same time, upside down, dead center in my lap. She offered to help clean up my lap but I thought that declining was the better option. My friends couldn’t eat. The assholes were laughing too hard. A good time was had by almost all.

  52. 52.

    sralloway

    @Juju: My friends, co-workers and wife all know I will give a straight, honest answer to anyone who asks my thoughts on any given situation. Once, at Christmas cookie baking time, ma belle mere (mother in law), asked me to taste a batch. Took a bite and spit them in the sink. Horrible, I said. Needless to days, she-who-must-be-obeyed (my better half) was horrified. I said, don’t ask for an honest opinion if you want praise from me. As a coworker once said, “Scott takes incompetence personally.”

  58. 58.

    Miss Bianca

    You know, Cole, in all seriousness, given all the above examples, I *am* surprised you’re still single. You are one funny, funny dude. Plus you have a lovely house, you love to cook, and you love pets. Hmm. Nope, must be by choice.//

  60. 60.

    Susan D. Einbinder

    You just haven’t found (yet) that wise woman who appreciates that you know everything.

  61. 61.

    Susan D. Einbinder

    You just haven’t (yet) found that special woman who appreciates the fact that you know everything.

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