Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

The republican caucus is covering themselves with something, and it’s not glory.

And now I have baud making fun of me. this day can’t get worse.

The truth is, these are not very bright guys, and things got out of hand.

Marge, god is saying you’re stupid.

Jesus, Mary, & Joseph how is that election even close?

Maybe you would prefer that we take Joelle’s side in ALL CAPS?

Putting aside our relentless self-interest because the moral imperative is crystal clear.

ha ha ha! Nice try weird people.

Thanks to your bullshit, we are now under siege.

It’s not hopeless, and we’re not helpless.

The media handbook says “controversial” is the most negative description that can be used for a Republican.

Please don’t feed the bears.

Republicans: “Abortion is murder but you can take a bus to get one.” Easy peasy.

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”

We still have time to mess this up!

We cannot abandon the truth and remain a free nation.

Balloon Juice, where there is always someone who will say you’re doing it wrong.

Never entrust democracy to any process that requires republicans to act in good faith.

Red lights blinking on democracy’s dashboard

Nikki Haley, who can’t acknowledge ‘slavery’, is a pathetic shill.

Accountability, motherfuckers.

Whoever he was, that guy was nuts.

“woke” is the new caravan.

Meanwhile over at truth Social, the former president is busy confessing to crimes.

You are here: Home / Open Threads / Late Saturday Night Open Thread: Kink-Shaming the Professional Death Cultists

Late Saturday Night Open Thread: Kink-Shaming the Professional Death Cultists

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Swear to Murphy the Trickster God, if I didn’t know he was a paid chaos agent (for Murdoch, the GOP, Putin — are those still separate entities?), I’d think that Tucker Carlson was sliding into my personal ‘Don’t post about genuinely crazy people’ zone. But he’s clearly tapped a rich vein of GOP self-parody!


Rule 34: If it exists, there is porn of it. (Google at your own risk!)

Reader Interactions

119Comments

  2. 2.

    Ohio Mom

    @sab:  Are we are seeing history before our eyes? I don’t remember the big footing going in this sequence ever before.

  4. 4.

    Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)

    This is incredible. Carlson is actually complaining that anthropomorphic M&Ms are…. not being as sexualized/gendered as before? This is so fucking weird, creepy, and bizzare on so many goddman levels.  Wasn’t there anybody on the production team or at the network that could’ve told him, “Hey Tuck, I don’t think this is such a good idea?”

  5. 5.

    Soprano2

    It’s so hard to believe they actually care about stuff like this. I guess they can’t  find anything real to be outraged about, so they have to talk about candy cartoon characters. It sounds so ridiculous – “I’m outraged because the brown cartoon M&M is wearing different shoes.” Good God…….????

  7. 7.

    The Dangerman

    Fuck. I had both 1 seeds going to the Super Bowl and they were one and enjoy your vacation. Shit. Luckily, I don’t bet as I don’t know shit unless the ball is symmetric.

  10. 10.

    Alison Rose

    Seems like I’m the only West Coaster around these parts tonight but sorry y’all, FTTB!

    Also, whenever Tucker croaks, I would pay someone to install a video screen on his tombstone playing this clip on a loop forever

  11. 11.

    Raoul Paste

    It really does seem like a Saturday Night Live skit. But with any luck Tucker Is headed for an on-air breakdown

    And there is no way I am googling candy porn. The odds are that it’s somebody’s name

  13. 13.

    MagdaInBlack

    I watched tucker the fukr clip earlier today. Troubling that he no longer finds M&M’s sexually attractive, and that he ever did.

  20. 20.

    MisterForkbeard

    @Soprano2: They don’t actually care about this. They just REALLY NEED any excuse to stay angry at liberals.

    “Minor candy mascot now wears sneakers instead of fancy dress heels because Democrats are all androgynous!” is exactly the sort of bullshit they live for.

  21. 21.

    The Moar You Know

    I’m no biologist, but I’m damned if I can see how candy, which has neither chromosomes or DNA, can have gender.

    This is what happens when a political philosophy runs out of ideas.

  22. 22.

    HumboldtBlue

    @Alison Rose:

    Hell no, we are here in our multitudes!

    Also, fuck Qaaron Rodgers!

    Also, the Mannarino v Nadal match in the Australian Open is already an hour old and in a first set tiebreak at 9.

  23. 23.

    dmsilev

    I guess in a way it’s good that Tucker is spending his time investigating the sexuality of anthropomorphic chocolate ovoids, because that’s time not spent informing his viewers about the testicle-swelling potential of COVID vaccines or how an FBI false-flag operation was totally reasonable for the Capitol Insurrection.

  27. 27.

    dmsilev

    For a better set of concerns re: the M&Ms, let us turn to Alexandra Petri:

    9 questions I have about the new, more ‘inclusive’ M&M mascots

    1. Am I still allowed to eat them? So Mars has decided to rebrand the M&M candy mascots to create a “sense of belonging and community.” The green lady M&M will be less defined by her sexuality (a phrase I can’t believe I just typed). The orange M&M will embrace his anxiety; he will also tie his shoelaces now. And the red M&M will bully less. They will also, generally, be defined by “personalities, rather than their gender.” (I’m sorry, I just noticed myself writing the phrase “the mascots for M&Ms, lentil-shaped chocolate candies, will be less defined by their gender” and it is all I can do not to jump into the sea.) But they are still for eating, though? They are more accepting of one another and their own issues, but at the end of the day, they are still for eating, right? I can still eat them?

    2. Who wanted this? Who, looking at the troubles that beset us in the Year of Our Lord 2022, said, “What needs to be fixed is that the M&M candy mascots are not well-rounded enough, except in the strictest, most literal sense. I demand that someone fix this, or I will never … eat them again?” What life is this person leading? Can I have this person’s life?

    5. Sorry to keep harping on this, but usually when you’re about to eat someone, and then that someone interrupts to tell you a detailed backstory about himself and how he’s finally coming to terms with his anxiety or he’s realizing the impact his bullying had on other people, it’s not so that you still feel good about your decision to eat him. I think the response that usually evokes is “No, no, you are way too anthropomorphic now, and I could not possibly eat you any longer.” But then again, I do not even like reading the tag on the free-range turkey explaining how nice his life was before he was handed to me, and that is supposed to make me feel better about eating him.
    6. There is always something suspicious about mascots who are the very thing they are trying to convince you to eat. What special dispensation have they received? What hideous sacrifice have they made in order to be spared?

    9. But they are still for eating, though?

  28. 28.

    WaterGirl

    This can’t possibly be for real, right?  It raced right past absurd into what?  Is there even a word for how off the deep end Tucker Carlson is?

    The mind boggles.

  33. 33.

    Suzanne

    @Yarrow:  I think he used to want to fuck an M&M, but now he doesn’t, and that makes him feel bad. Big mean liberals ruin EVERYTHING.

    :::flounce:::

  36. 36.

    mrmoshpotato

    Swear to Murphy the Trickster God, if I didn’t know he was a paid chaos agent (for Murdoch, the GOP, Putin — are those still separate entities?), I’d think that Tucker Carlson was sliding into my personal ‘Don’t post about genuinely crazy people’ zone. But he’s clearly tapped a rich vein of GOP self-parody!

    “I got it! What if Tucker whines about not wanting to sexually assault a chocolate candy anymore  tonight?”

  39. 39.

    Suzanne

    I should have noted that the mint and the key lime pie are, like, all dirty, slutty, nasty girls that I wanna…

    this is AFTER DARK….

  40. 40.

    NotMax

    As said a while back, old enough to remember when Injun Orange and Chinese Cherry flavors of Funny Face suddenly became Jolly Olly Orange and Choo Choo Cherry.

    ;)

  42. 42.

    Joe Falco

    Good lord, Tucker. Take your candy-coated lust to a secondary account or something. Nobody wants to see you acting horny on main.

  43. 43.

    Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)

    @Suzanne:

    As C-Plus Augustus once said after another WTF moment, “That was some weird shit”

    Jeez, Tucker, there’s always Rule 34 if you want it that bad

    Seriously, didn’t anybody tell him that he was going to make a fool of himself before doing this segment?!

  44. 44.

    Mary G

    It’s encouraging that this is the best outrage they could find today. Didn’t have a glove to land on Biden, so attacked one of the biggest food conglomerates in the world? That’ll bring in the votes in November, yessiree!

    Today is the first day since Christmas Eve that I haven’t been coughing my lungs out all day and I had a long list of chores to do, but instead I have mostly been in bed enjoying listening to my breaths, napping with the cats, listening to music and books, and reading this afternoon and evening’s comment threads here. It’s been lovely. Thanks, Juicers.

  45. 45.

    dmsilev

    You know, think of all those ‘fun packs’ of M&Ms that adults hand out to children every Halloween. WILL NOBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN??

  50. 50.

    Dan B

    NO!

    WILL NOT LOOK!

    Is this where Tucker ‘tucks’ the M&M’s?  Tell me no.  I don’t need the truth.

  57. 57.

    mrmoshpotato

    @The Moar You Know:

    I’m no biologist, but I’m damned if I can see how candy, which has neither chromosomes or DNA, can have gender. 

    This is what happens when a political philosophy runs out of ideas.

    What “ideas” aside from tax cuts for the rich and environmental deregulation?

  58. 58.

    Yarrow

    @Suzanne: Isn’t it more that Tucker wants to fuck an M&M but now they’re not slutty enough to give a boner and he’s SO MAD about that and he’s going to blame the M&M because of course nothing can be his fault.

  59. 59.

    Yutsano

    I will never get over the fact that this blog is making me think about Tucker Carlson and sex. Eww. You shall see my therapy bill forthwith.

  60. 60.

    Another Scott

    ObOpenThread, ICYMI … STATNews (from December):

    […]

    She came from a family of teachers — generations of them, and she became one, too, in Ohio, where she’d gone to college. But then, when she was about 40, joint pain started getting in the way. It had started with her knees and lower back in her 20s. Now, the throbbing in her elbow would wake her up in the wee hours, as if she’d somehow broken it in her sleep. Some days it was hard to move. One doctor dismissed it as a quirk of heredity. Another said fibromyalgia, and put her on meds that didn’t help. A psychiatrist told her she just had to push through: Just do it, like the Nike ad said.

    Related: The whitest specialty: As medicine strives to close its diversity gaps, one field remains a stubborn outlier

    Eventually, she found herself in a rheumatologist’s office in Columbus, her joints being painfully pulled at and swiveled. After, as the doctor helped her down off the exam table, he said he was pretty sure this was ankylosing spondylitis. He wrote it down for her, so she could look it up. It was typically found in white men, he went on; he didn’t think there could be many more than 20 Black women in America who had it.

    Taylor-Gentry was shocked. He was a good doctor — one of the best she’d seen: kind, thorough, probing issues others hadn’t taken seriously. But did she actually have this disease? When she looked it up, there was almost nothing about Black women in the scientific papers she found. Was she really such a rarity? It wasn’t a good feeling, this strange sense of being alone. There was something familiar about it, like walking into a room you recognize but can’t quite place.

    […]

    That pattern of dismissal is well-documented and widespread. But in ankylosing spondylitis, it’s uniquely ingrained. “When people were in medical school — even when I was in medical school — it was taught that this one specific disorder, it really happens in this particular patient population,” said rheumatologist Alexis Ogdie, director of the University of Pennsylvania’s spondyloarthritis program. She got her M.D. in 2006. What was the snapshot her professors gave? “A white young man’s disease.”

    AS sits in a kind of thorny tangle, where biological mystery, gender discrimination, sex differences, racism, and genetics meet. It’s hardly the only “white disease” (a label pasted onto both cystic fibrosis and multiple sclerosis). Nor is it the only one where women run a greater risk of being misdiagnosed (look no farther than the humble heart attack). It probably isn’t alone in having the dubious distinction of being both: These forces, after all, lurk in seemingly every corner of medicine. What sets AS apart is the way patients have begun naming the misogyny and the misuse of race that’s shaped their illness, untangling how it came to be. Even as science shifts, they’ve seen, old clinical habits of mind remain, which can in turn affect the science.

    […]

    Tuckems and his fellow travelers need more important things to get outraged about. But of course, we know the point of their outrage is to distract, not to inform.

    Grrr…,
    Scott.

  63. 63.

    NotMax

    @Yutsano

    Cool, you’re here. Been waiting to ask your opinion (if any) on this development which broke the other day:

    More hoops, and not of the Hula variety.

    If you created an online account to manage your tax records with the U.S. Internal Revenue Service (IRS), those login credentials will cease to work later this year. The agency says that by the summer of 2022, the only way to log in to irs.gov will be through ID.me, an online identity verification service that requires applicants to submit copies of bills and identity documents, as well as a live video feed of their faces via a mobile device. Source

    Ought be noted, also too, that while the .me domain nomenclature is now treated across the ‘net as a generic top-level domain, it was originally assigned as a country code top-level domain to Montenegro (and still is used as such), which country in theory could request its (to coin a word) genericality be quashed or limited or otherwise challenge its use.

  64. 64.

    JoyceH

    @Mary G: 

    It’s encouraging that this is the best outrage they could find today.

    Their problem is that they really really want to whine about how mean the libruls are being to God Trump, but if they do that, it clues in their viewers that their God Trump is in desperately deep doo-doo.

    (Today Trump was whining that ‘they’re going after the children’ – has anyone reminded him that Ivanka is FORTY?)

  68. 68.

    patrick II

    Greg Olear@gregolear

    If there were a vaccine for choking in big games, would Aaron Rodgers get it?

  69. 69.

    Kent

    First time in a while that I’ve rooted for the Packers to lose to a team that wasn’t the Seahawks.

    I can’t believe how much MAGA stupidity has poisoned this country.

  72. 72.

    NotMax

    @JoyceH

    Ooh, snap!

    :)

    (BTW, in case Tucky is listening, M&Ms turn 81 years old this year.)

    Trivia: M&Ms were originally patented in the U.S. by an heir of the Mars company, who partnered with a son of the president of Hershey to form their own concern, Mars & Murrie (hence M&M). It wasn’t until later that the Mars company brought M&Ms into the fold.

  76. 76.

    Seanly

    Roy Edroso was making fun of some incoherent Doughy Pantsload newsletter about M&Ms. Is there something going on w/ M&Ms that I didn’t hear about? Plus they’re animated candy from a marketing campaign. I posted on twitter that if they were doing this campaign in the Man in the High Castle timeline the M&Ms would goosestep. That’s how marketing works…

  79. 79.

    matt the somewhat reasonable

    Wait until he finds out about the version of the ‘mudflap girl’ that has her reading a book.

  82. 82.

    RaflW

    All of this is ridiculous. You can tell by how uptight Tucker is, the only candy he fetishizes is a Payday bar.

  83. 83.

    HumboldtBlue

    @Cacti:

    Again!

    0-4 against the Niners and I despise the Niners, but I backed them today solely because of dipshit.

    Colin Kaepernick with Jim Harbaugh may be my favorite Packers/Rodgers ass-whoopin’ ever, and Kaepernick led the 49ers to three wins over a Qaaron-led Packers squad.

    He deserves all the mockery he has rightfully earned.

  89. 89.

    Another Scott

    ICYMI, …

    Remember that viral story about Amazon packages stolen from trains in LA – & how it was blamed on lax LA prosecutors?

    Well, @LATACO actually did some reporting & its sources say that Union Pacific quietly laid off over 80% of its security force recently: https://t.co/Duep3138m7

    — Avi Asher-Schapiro (@AASchapiro) January 19, 2022

    wait are you telling me another crime wave story promoted by big business turned out to be brazen corporate rent-seeking that any journalist could have uncovered with modest effort? https://t.co/lnZ5bIHEtm

    — mark (@kept_simple) January 21, 2022

    It’s safest to have a default view that every hot take is pushing an agenda that is not clearly stated in the piece.

    Be skeptical!

    (via LOLGOP)

    Cheers,
    Scott.

  93. 93.

    Sebastian

    Bill Barr is cooperating with Jan 6 Commission.

    Trump is toast. They are all toast.

    TICK TOCK MOTHERFUCKERS.

  95. 95.

    germy

    If they are desexualizing the Green M&M it's only a matter of time before they remove the dick vein from Snickers ?

    — Howard Ashman stan account (@MichaelChu7) January 22, 2022

  99. 99.

    bluefoot

    Last I looked at a bag of peanut M&Ms, there was a little notice on the back that said, “Partially made with genetic engineering.” Not sure what that is supposed to mean (I like to imagine some transgenic plant that grows M&Ms in greenhouses somewhere, sort of X-Files) but I’m surprised Tucker hasn’t grabbed onto that.

  101. 101.

    Uncle Cosmo

    @NotMax: Hey, don’t diss Necco wafers! Pride of place in the pantheon of snackage of the gods.

    Drecko Wafers? Snackage of the dogs, more like. In the 80s whilst visiting friends postdocking at MIT I recall walking out to head up Mass Ave (going bargain rack to bargain rack in bookstore after bookstore till I reached Hahvahd Square & returned on the T with my loot!) & being mugged in the olfactory sensorium by the candy factory emitting the foul stench a few blocks away. A few years later I taught a community college section of Stat 101 out of a text whose cover was a googol-size swarm of the noxious disks (with a suitable probability question inside). Still have that text; still get a stomach-flip of nausea every time I pull it down. Blecccccch!

  106. 106.

    Subsole

    @Goku (aka Amerikan Baka): Naw dude. The production team feeds him this.

    It’s just another way to feed their overarching narrative of “liberals as joyless scolds, smothering you with all their shrill bitchy feminist nagging. Just like every woman in your life, ever. You should go vote republican. Boy, they’ll see how big yer BALLS are then!”

    Sad part is, it works. Lots a guys out there trying to shove their masculinity in everyone’s face. (‘Cuz they know if you ain’t paying close attention, you’ll overlook it. On account of the miniscule nature, y’see.)

  108. 108.

    Subsole

     

     

    @MisterForkbeard: Yes. This.

    These people are stuffed so full of fear and anger it’s leaking out from behind their eyeballs and dribbling down their distended jaws.

    If you took that away they’d have nothing left. They would shrivel up and dry out and blow away in a sour, tomb-stench puff of dust. Hence the constant drumbeat.

    One day the fox news propaganda mower is gonna hit something it cannot digest and that entire movement is going to vaporize into a cloud of baffled, inchoate frenzy that makes a reading of the King in Yellow’s masterwork look like a kindergarten recital.

  110. 110.

    Uncle Cosmo

    @a thousand flouncing lurkers was fidelio: FTR, inasmuch as the Packers punting team (whose blockers apparently spent training camp at Famous Matadors School, ¡ole!) managed in 10 seconds of play to score as much for the Francine Ciscos as the Golddiggers’ parody-of-an-offense produced in the remaining 60 minutes, I hardly think Rodgers’ ire would be aimed towards them and their QB. IIUC Qaaron has never had much problem lambasting his own teammates for their failings.

  111. 111.

    Jinchi

    Like Tucker ever had a chance with any of the M&M’s.

    Tucker’s real worry: If he eats assorted M&Ms his viewers will think he supports interracial marriage, but if he eats only the same color M&Ms they’ll think all he’s gay.

  114. 114.

    HarlequinGnoll

    i could understand sexualizing anthropomorphisms, but i draw the line at mammals….thank you Disney especially the animated Robin Hood.  Be funny to send tucker a letter saying food is for eating not playing.

  116. 116.

    Shana

    @NotMax: Long dead thread I assume but here goes anyway:

    I had totally forgotten about knock off Hi-C until you mentioned it. I remember the latter names but not the former.

  117. 117.

    TonyG

    @Goku (aka Amerikan Baka): I think that Tucker knows his audience.  They are white men who hate their lives, for whom the only source of joy is nurturing their grievances.  The grievances don’t have to make sense, it’s the resentment and hatred that matter.

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