love too toast my balls under a heat lamp to own the Libs https://t.co/lQWzDI6J9J
— The Mall Krampus (@cakotz) April 16, 2022
According to lore, all Christians are celebrating the Resurrection, which leaves a crypt open for any last shreds of Fishsticks Goebbels’ dignity.
I promise you are not prepared for Tucker's latest montage pic.twitter.com/8tdvYTW2cn
— nikki mccann ramírez (@NikkiMcR) April 16, 2022
Nah, I kid. When has Tucker Carlson known dignity?
Tucker Carlson presents “The End of Men”
Could have save him a load of production and editing: https://t.co/8rXSqLpsRL pic.twitter.com/3MbCSpbdxI
— Chuck Todd’s Optics (@_CircusMaximus) April 16, 2022
It’s the Zarathustra soundtrack that really clinches the bit…
Domino meme where the little one is the first ever 90s VHS cover to describe a Dolph Lundgren movie as 'high-testosterone' and the big one is 'Fishstick Heir forms Steroid Reich.'#NoOneMakeThis #HugYourKidsInstead https://t.co/EsG69BZUd1
— zeddy (@Zeddary) April 16, 2022
Me, I’m just waiting for reports from the red-state emergency rooms of men with suspicious burn injuries.
tom
That thing is gayer than the front two rows of a Barbra Streisand concert.
MelissaM
Sitting in a hotel bar getting relaxed and laughing out loud at Lil Fuckers shenanigans. The end of men: we can hope. FFS.
Shalimar
I forgot the Dan White Society thing. What an evil piece of shit he was even in high school.
Elizabelle
Fishsticks Goebbels. Love it.
john (not mccain)
No, baby, that’s not a rash. Just too much Power T.
Joe Falco
And here I hoped from reading the thread title that Tucker had met his actual end. Alas, the ass is still alive.
Suzanne
Tucker Carlson has never struck me as especially…. manly. Every one of these assholes has a fucken complex and should be working that out with a therapist.
scav
Gotta love the vision of the KluKluxKohort darkening their balls to restore their Aryan manhood. Will the real hardliners going for the orange spray man(hood)?
Also, the Drooling for Putin vibe in that is hardcore.
Suzanne
They’re all gonna get melanoma on their balls, too.
I mean, they could try making themselves attractive to women. Read interesting books, hold conversations, work out, iron their clothes….
debbie
Good god, I thought that was a parody.
Ken
Biotrivia fact: The reason most mammals have scrota is that sperm production drops with higher temperature, and if the testes were inside the body cavity many males would be infertile. So Tucker is doing his bit for the gene pool by removing men stupid enough to follow his advice.
Kay
It’s going to be more whining, isn’t it?
Suzanne
@Kay: Conservative men are the biggest whiners.
Alison Rose ???
Sweet sassy molassey
Mike in NC
Fucker Carlson needs to be strapped to a Neptun missile and fired into the Black Sea (even though he wished it to be the White Sea).
debbie
@Suzanne:
Listening to his voice, he needs testosterone.
Old School
So is he selling this red light thing somewhere? Or do I need to supply my own?
Kay
@Suzanne:
Is someone stopping them from doing pushups and wrestling in (tiny) shorts? Not I. I think they should do what makes them happy. Anything at all that makes them happy. Maybe then they’ll stop complaining.
Ken
That’s what the Axe Body Spray is for. Use it with negging and it’s surprising there’s any such thing as an involuntary celibate.
sdhays
Magic 8 ball says: “Outlook not so good.”
FlyingToaster
@Suzanne:
… learn to dance, try yoga/pilates/zumba/crossfit, take up a hobby where people socialize, take a cooking course, take a bartender’s course, start learning a martial art.
This ain’t that difficult. Find things you’re interested in. Do them, learn to do them better with other people who are also interested. Results in a social life that isn’t toxic.
Or, you can sit there and whine like all the other FoxNoise/OANN/Newsmax low-T droids.
Suzanne
@debbie: It amazes me that someone would fuck that guy. Like, whaaaaaat.
Soprano2
@Kay: Conservatives are the biggest whiners ever. Someone is always out to get them, at least in their minds.
Dangerman
How long does one have to red light a set of balls and wouldn’t it be more time effective to go with a blowtorch?
Suzanne
@Ken: Negging, LMAO.The kind of dudes who do this are then surprised to discover that their girlfriends are “crazy”.
I remember telling this dude I went out with ONE TIME when we were in college that I didn’t want to see him anymore, and he got all worked up and said “you don’t care about my problems!”. And at first I was hurt because I used to think of myself as a kind person. But then I realized, “Yeah, you’re right, I don’t”.
Suzanne
@Dangerman:
I volunteer as tribute.
theturtlemoves
At this point, he just has to be trolling his own audience, right? Like, how ridiculously homoerotic can he make something before even his minions realize it has to be on purpose? Shirtless dudes wrestling? Naked dudes posing and bathed in red light? Holy crap….
Soprano2
I’m currently at the bar, listening to a woman singing one of those whiny county songs where they talk about how they aren’t sophisticated but it’s OK because they’re COUNTRY! I can’t think of a rock equivalent. They constantly worry about people looking down on them while saying they don’t care about those people’s opinions.
Ken
@Dangerman: Or an industrial laser, like the one Auric Goldfinger used on James Bond — and look how well he did with the women.
hilts
Tucker Carlson is a malignant media carcinogen.
smith
So is this the new, edgy way to prove your manhood, a la G.Gordon Liddy and the candle?
jonas
JFC, these are the same people who thought the film 300 was an example of the manly manliness of Western Civilization.
Actually, it was more, um, this.
jonas
As with just about everything some right-wing douchecanoe does, The Onion was there first.
ArchTeryx
@Suzanne: Sadly it works with too many women, and the ones that flee often are pretty traumatized. I’ve been inverting the technique to help heal my fiancee after what her exes did to her.
I hope XKCD is indicating more women are getting wise to that nasty little PUA game.
El-Man
Are we sure this is not a joke that emerged from the Fox News cafeteria where Tucker made a bet that he could get some of his viewers to point a laser at their nuts?
“LOL, they’re not THAT dumb!” came the reply.
And Tucker just grinned…
Mathguy
Some set it to “YMCA.” Absolutely perfect. https://twitter.com/yalinewich/status/1515270324950028288?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1515270324950028288%7Ctwgr%5E%7Ctwcon%5Es1_&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fdisqus.com%2Fembed%2Fcomments%2F%3Fbase%3Ddefaultf%3Dlawyersgunsmoneyblog-comt_i%3D12414420https3A2F2Fwww.lawyersgunsmoneyblog.com2F3Fp3D124144t_u%3Dhttps3A2F2Fwww.lawyersgunsmoneyblog.com2F20222F042Ftucker-carlsons-compelling-new-season-of-tucker-carlsons-originals-will-explore-spunk-junkt_e%3DTucker20CarlsonE28099s20compelling20new20season20of20Tucker20CarlsonE28099s20Originals20will20explore20spunk202620junkt_d%3DTucker20Carlson27s20compelling20new20season20of20Tucker20Carlson27s20Originals20will20explore20spunk202620junk20-20Lawyers2C20Guns202620Moneyt_t%3DTucker20CarlsonE28099s20compelling20new20season20of20Tucker20CarlsonE28099s20Originals20will20explore20spunk202620junks_o%3Dpopularversion%3D05eb5483fcdc979cee82423b401a7c46
Kay
@smith:
They think it increases testosterone.
There is always a money making scam. Always.
Sister Golden Bear
@tom: Gayer than a Tom of Finland retrospective.
Sister Golden Bear
@Suzanne:
Don’t know if it’s been verified, but I’ve heard the pick-up artist techniques, like negging, mostly work with women who have Cluster B personality disorders:
Suzanne
@Soprano2:
They don’t need to worry, I seriously look down on them.
In all seriousness, I do not understand it fully. Like, these people look down on me and my family, and I don’t give even one moment of consideration to it. I do not understand the thirst for approval.
jonas
Seriously, though, an obsession with fitness and, um, the male body in particular, is a major feature of fascism.
Anne Laurie
Sounds like Tucker Carlson!
(Or, for that matter, TFG.)
JoyceH
@debbie:
Oh, man, that voice! Is it sinus congestion, or what? Every time I hear a clip of him, I’m telling the screen, “Dude. Cut to commercial, cough three times and spit!”
Suzanne
@Sister Golden Bear: My anecdata would support that hypothesis.
JoyceH
@Kay:
I guess these are for the guys for whom ‘Total T For Men’ (with it’s Man-Boosting Formula!) didn’t work?
Enhanced Voting Techniques
Low testosterone is caused by spending every waking moment screaming about how the Feminists have cut your balls off.
Also, if the Carlson’s future for manly men is shirtless. slow mo, totally NOT ’70s gay porn, apartment wrestling in short shorts, I for one will happily will have my balls cut off than suffer my libido that indignity.
Cameron
What is it with these fucking people? Frying your balls as manhood initiation, mainlining urine as an anti-COVID prophylactic – Christ, why haven’t they gone extinct already?
dmsilev
@JoyceH: Infrared lasers, huh? Nobody tell them that laser cutters, of the sort that can slice through steel plate, often work in that wavelength range.
MagdaInBlack
@theturtlemoves: I’m telling myself that’s gotta be it, it’s so over the top.
Eta: I like your Pratchett nym. ?
VOR
@Anne Laurie: TFG is the definition of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He’s also the Seven Deadly Sins incarnate.
Ruckus ??
@Suzanne:
Do you really think a therapist could fix this shit?
I don’t. OK maybe in 40 or 50 yrs of trying fucker c. would maybe be better. He’s more likely to suffer an internal concussion from knocking the two small dried up stones that exist in that fat head as his “brain” together before he’d find enough sense to be able to even figure out what the word sense means.
PIGL
@Suzanne: Iron my clothes? Dang. Apparently that explains much.
Emma from Miami
@jonas: If I had just had abdominal surgery I would have popped my stitches from hysterical laughter
Ruckus ??
@Suzanne:
Read interesting books, hold conversations, work out, iron their clothes….
OK, now you are just being silly……
The Pale Scot
Well that’s a thing but it’s caused by chemical hormone disruptors. After 2050 all those white power girls are going to buying splunk from brown guys in isolated areas of Africa. All the other guys will be shooting blanks. The sperm vitality in the white world has reduced to 20% of what it was at WW2.
The only thing that’s going to save the current biosphere is humanity poisoning itself. I’m all for it
The Pale Scot
@Suzanne:
Every one of these assholes has a fucking complex and should be working that out in a gay dominatrix? dungeon in the Lower East Side
Jay C
Tucker Carlson: single-handedly creating a new and unique definition of “red-light district”
The Pale Scot
@Suzanne:
I am a stone cold ironer. In my French restaurant days, ironing the linen before service started was the calm before the storm. All of us being precise with the creases got us focused being precise with our job
brendancalling
I got through as much as I could, and all I can say is “this what happens when you hate yourself for being so far in the closet you can see Narnia.”
I literally don’t know how else to interpret this garbage human being. I don’t know what the fuck happened to damage that chubby little boy—to be honest, I don’t want to know, for reasons I’m about to articulate—but it damaged him badly.
Fact is, in all likelihood I ran into Tucker as a kid. We are the same age, and I grew up in Newport RI, home to St. George’s, a private high school that has been in the news for a terrible sex abuse scandal that took place while Tucker was there. I was a punk rocker at the time (still am, less visibly these days) and a lot of SG kids were among our hangers on. I had been a private school kid from grades 3-8, and knew kids who went to SG and other ritzy RI private schools—the black dude, Alex Lombard, who confronted Sean Spicer about being racist on Spicey’s book tour was a skater buddy of mine back then—and the stories we’d hear from girls were awful.
That place was a hotbed of rape when TC was there. I have no doubt he was impacted in some way.
mrmoshpotato
Ummmmm what?
ETA – how the hell is this douchecanoe married?
The Pale Scot
@Soprano2:
Dude, you need to restrict the the song list to George Jones, Charley Pride, J. Cash, Otis Redding and Pure Prairie League.
Soprano2
@The Pale Scot: As long as they’re spending money they can sing whatever they want.
The Pale Scot
@Enhanced Voting Techniques:
“libido and indignity.” comes from Offensive and defensive line drills in HS. (from my experience)
The Pale Scot
@Soprano2:
The Horror!
LeftCoastYankee
Back before the intertubes, we could imagine that our little corner of ‘Murca was THE fucked up spot in the land, and if we just “got outta here”, things would be better.
Now we can see the fuckheads are everywhere in Fuckheadlandia, “getting rich” toasting their balls in a toaster-oven….
Exceptional!
Princess
I mean, they could regulate the plastics that are causing the drop but I guess that would be socialism.
Anne Laurie
Sufficient money, especially when attached to the ‘right kind’ of background, can buy practically anyone a spouse.
More than one, if necessary: Look at TFG!
One the major grievances for Tucker & his cohort is that ‘modern liberalism’ has given women (especially in the top tier) choices other than Marry one or another of the douchecanoes, or eke out a sexless existence as some relative’s poor dependent?
It’s a blessing for us women, and for those men who want a partner instead of a ‘dependent’… but it’s a very real supply constraint for the Mens’ Rights boyz!
Bruce K in ATH-GR
Excuse me, I’m supposed to take instruction from Lord Haw-Haw on how to make myself more manly?
He seems to be appealing to the sort of person who wants a wife to be … how best to put it? … a decorative accessory to show off in public, a servant in the household, and a toy in the bedroom.
Tony Jay
I’d imagine that beaming red-light up those hard to reach nooks and crannies would be a lot easier if someone else was handling the lamp, so it would only make sense for like-minded manly men to get together a couple of times a week and look after each others’ junk.
Come to think of it, hot lamps on the nether regions has to make you all sweaty. They should hire out a gathering place where they can all wash themselves down after ball-basting each other. Are there any bathhouses left?
They could call the whole show ‘Tuckering’ each other. “Don’t wait up, bitch. I’m gonna get my nuts Tuckered by a real man!”
Or ‘red-capping’, that would work too.
sab
@mrmoshpotato: Didn’t he marry the headmaster’s daughter?
lowtechcyclist
@Suzanne:
They’d come across as at least somewhat more manly if they’d just stop whining. AFAIAC, manliness and grievance culture are practically polar opposites.
@scav:
Nah, it’s KuKlux. Remember, these folks haven’t a Klu. ;-)
Baud
At least this doesn’t deprive the horses of their medicine.
oldster
Don’t these morons know why human males have external testes? It’s because spermatogenesis requires *lower temperatures* than typical body temp. Lower. Not higher.
If they start shining heat-lamps on their balls, that’s only going to reduce spermatogenesis, leading to greater infertility for Fox News viewers and right-w —
Oh. Forget I said anything. Carry on, boys! Make sure those infrared lights are good and warm! Pretend your balls are a plate of fries on the buffet line, warming up under a heatlamp!
docNC
What does Tucker Carlson know about testosterone anyway? He’s been in deficit since birth.
Just One More Canuck
@Suzanne: they could try not being a creepy asshole
Chris Johnson
ROXanne…
You don’t have to put on the RED light…
SFAW
Kim DuToit beat him by 14 years.
I’d be happy if some “feminized” lib beat Tucker for 14 hours.
Actually, 14 minutes would probably be enough.
Hell, Cucker would start whinigng/crying after 14 seconds.
SFAW
@lowtechcyclist:
Somewhere in Hawaii, NotMax is shaking his fist at you — “Hey, that’s MY gig!”.
jlowe
Wait until someone tells him about phthalates, the bendy plasticizer substances used in the manufacturing of all sorts of polymer products such as masturbation sleeves. Male reproductive toxicants in rats.
fancycwabs
I realize that Tucker Carlson isn’t one to follow any validated-by-the-scientific-method medical advice, but I’m like 100% sure that laser-blasting his dong isn’t going to do anything about his chlamydia.