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You are here: Home / Open Threads / Voyage of the Darned (Open Thread)

Voyage of the Darned (Open Thread)

by | 85 Comments

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Earlier this month, I learned how to drive an airboat. Here’s a short clip of the voyage, and even if you turn the sound all the way up (not recommended!), it still won’t be as loud as it was in real life:

I dislike airboats. They are obnoxiously loud, and I believe they’re more disturbing to wildlife than regular boats. (Belief based on personal observations, not science.) I mildly disliked them before we moved to our swamp redoubt in 2018, but I really cannot abide them now that they roar past our house regularly, drowning out conversations, the radio or television, etc.

That said, it occurred to me a while back that I know how to pilot every other type of vessel that operates in this area except airboats. So I figured I should learn, in case of zombie apocalypse or something, when I might have to escape in whatever craft is handy.

I knew there was only one person to teach me, the same dude who taught me to canoe, sail, drive motorboats of all other types and sizes, dock a large boat on a windy day and back a truck down a crooked ramp to launch a boat at low tide: Dad.

Conveniently, he has an airboat and was willing to let me drive it. He warned that the steering was “squirrely” and that novice airboat drivers were liable to pitch themselves and passengers in the water if they screw up. Maybe he was trying to scare me off, but it didn’t work.

On the appointed day, he showed up at our dock, and I climbed aboard. Having been an airboat passenger a few times, I knew that you steer airboats with a stick that goes forward and backward to move the rudders behind the giant airplane prop at the stern of the boat.

When I climbed into the driver’s seat, I asked Dad if moving the stick forward would make us turn right and moving it backward left or vice-versa. Dad said it doesn’t matter; he told me to just move the stick when we get underway, and it would all make sense. He was right.

Another thing to know about airboats: anything that’s not properly stowed can blow into the prop and get chopped to bits. Dad told me he’d recently lost a shirt that way; he’d been wearing layers on a cool day and, while stopped, had hung an outer shirt on the back of a seat when it warmed up. The shirt got sucked into the prop and chewed up.

Airboats have a gas pedal. After operating throttles on tillers and in cockpits on regular boats for so many years, it was odd to use a gas pedal, but at least I’m familiar with that from cars. There’s no reverse, but that’s okay because you can turn around on land if you have to.

The steering goes away completely on an airboat when you take your foot off the gas. The boat just slides on the surface of the water like a curling stone sliding across ice until you press the gas pedal to push air through the rudders again.

I went slowly at first to get my bearings, and, following his usual teaching methods, Dad repeatedly shouted at me to stop being such a chickenshit so I’d speed up. It worked until we came upon a blockage in a channel, and I slowed down again.

There was a thick, floating patch of vegetation across the channel — a clump large enough to conceal a fallen tree, I worried. Dad tapped my shoulder and shouted “JUST GO!” So I did, and fortunately there was NOT a fallen tree to pitch the old man and me into the gator-infested swamp.

Anyway, Florida Woman card punched. It was fun. Loud! But fun.

Open thread!

Reader Interactions

85Comments

  1. 1.

    Baud

    Looks like you made the most out of the BJ downtime.

    I didn’t learn to do shit.

  2. 2.

    Baud

    Florida Woman card punched.

    Now you just need to get arrested for riding an alligator naked through the McDonald’s drive through.

  3. 3.

    Geminid

    There will probably be electric airboats out there before too long, may be out already. I guess it will take a while for them to catch on though.

  4. 4.

    NotMax

    Rode in one of those contraptions in Florida circa the JFK years. Ears still ringing.

    Could be a trick of recall but remember similar craft plying Xochimilco in Mexico as being significantly quieter than the ones in the Everglades.

  5. 5.

    Rob

    Pretty cool!!

    There was some book I read as a kid that I think involved airboats in/and the Everglades. Anyway, I read that book a few times and I so wanted to ride and pilot an airboat.

  7. 7.

    debbie

    Maybe passengers wouldn’t be pitched out if there were side rails?  ‍♀️

  8. 8.

    Betty Cracker

    @Geminid: I was thinking about that. I’d buy one! I don’t like the noise of the standard models, and I don’t like how people run through vegetation where birds might be nesting, but I wouldn’t do that, and if  the boat was quiet, I’d enjoy it. Driving one is like piloting a pod-racer in one of the worst Star Wars movies. You’re high up and just booking along!

    @NotMax: All are noisier than I’d prefer, but they seem to vary greatly in noise level. I suspect some people relish the noise the way certain Harley drivers seem to do.

  9. 9.

    stinger

    If you love ducks, big dogs, and cats,
    Garden pics, recipes, political spats,
    The good news is — hold on to your hats —
    Today BJ is live.

    Pics of buildings, stars, and birds,
    Accompanied by thoughtful words
    Provide armchair travel for jackal herds
    Today BJ is live.

    If you, like me, plan to vote cyan,
    WaterGirl, Betty C, and bonny Anne
    Bring news with snark more than anyone can
    Today BJ is live.

    And the three men I admire most —
    Omnes, Baud, and our genial host —
    Are still around (and soon ’65’s toast)
    Today BJ is live!

  10. 10.

    cmorenc

    Betty, the setting for your boat trip looks like an adventure into the land of creatures with no shoulders.  A noisy craft does upset wildlife, but that includes scaring off creatures with no shoulders from trying to board your boat.

  12. 12.

    zhena gogolia

    Hmmm, if I go to my old bookmark for BJ, I get last night’s post. But if I try to go to an old thread I’ve bookmarked, it brings me here.

  13. 13.

    NotMax

    ‘@Baud

    Like any self-respecting alligator could be inveigled into visiting a franchise founded by a guy named Kroc.

    (Gators don’t spell too gud.)

    :)

  14. 14.

    Betty Cracker

    I think John made last night’s post sticky. I don’t know why an old bookmark would bring you here, but I suspect the site will be acting strangely for the foreseeable future because most of the data is in purgatory or something.

  16. 16.

    mrmoshpotato

    @Baud:

    Now you just need to get arrested for riding an alligator naked through the McDonald’s drive through. 

    I believe you must then throw said gator through the drive thru window to unlock the achievement.

  17. 17.

    eclare

    The reflection of the sky in the water is beautiful.  I would just sit there and stare at it, not moving at all.

  20. 20.

    Geminid

    @Betty Cracker: Someone probably has already taken a johnboat and rigged a trolling motor to a fan with a cage. An E-bike or larger electric motorbike propulsion system would work too. Maybe the fan could pivot so the skiff could turn at slower speeds.

  22. 22.

    raven

    On our last trip to the beach with Bohdi I tried to get him to swim in the bay but he could touch the bottom and it freaked him out so I quit. The next day we drove over to the “Truman Show” dock (they built it for the film) and he sort of stumbled around down at the water and fell a couple of time. There was an airboat guy with his boat tethered and he couldn’t help but notice I was sitting on the ground holding my boy and crying like a baby. He came over and asked if I was ok and I said “yea, I just know I’m going to lose him soon”. Later I looked him up online and wrote him a note just saying “thanks”.

  32. 32.

    Steep’s Helper

    @NotMax:

    No, that’s a “formal” right single quote.  I think that FYWP objects only to the straight single quote. Let’s see if this comment goes through without moderation. Okina held back as a last resort.

    ETA: Yee-haw! This comment went through without moderation.

  35. 35.

    Gin & Tonic

    Woke up this morning to an e-mail from Ukraine – one of my oldest and closest friends there, former (UA) Marine, who returned to National Guard duty, is MIA since the 24th. Not how I wanted to start the day.

  40. 40.

    Immanentize

    @raven: You named your sweet Pup Bhodi(sattva) because you knew he would one day become. I like thinking, from time to time, of the flags in your yard.

    But here we are left behind.

  41. 41.

    O. Felix Culpa

    @Gin & Tonic: Oh, I’m so sorry about your friend. Fingers crossed that he is ok, but the not-knowing must be terribly worrying. Hugs to you and all who love him.

  43. 43.

    Steep’s Helper

    @Steep’s Helper:

    Okay, for people who really, really want an apostrophe in their nym, there is a way to do it without triggering moderation for every comment. You have to use a formal, “slanted” apostrophe—▶ ’ ◀—a single right quote, rather than the straight quote you get by default when typing.

    You can copy the one above or you can insert one in your nym using the “special characters” gizmo above the comment box. It’s the Omega (horseshoe) icon at the right end of the comment toolbar. You don’t want the first one that looks like a right quote, two spots before §; you want the second one, two spots after ». This is obvious on a computer, where the characters are labeled, but you might need it on your phone.

    You should have to do this only once, if you have checked the box to have FYWP remember your nym.

    This concludes (I hope) my sawdust-sawing for the morning. Hope this helps the vanishingly small percentage of jackals who could use it.

  47. 47.

    OzarkHillbilly

    Voyage of the Darned… I envisioned a post about old holey socks. Imagine my disappointment when I got an airboat video instead. I don’t have an airboat, but I have plenty of socks with holes in them. I could use a tutorial or 3.

  48. 48.

    Steep’s Helper

    @WaterGirl:

    It has bugged me for a long time, especially since we used to be able to have apostrophes, and somewhere in the “thinking about rebuilding the blog from scratch” zone this weekend I had an “Aha!” moment, although “Aha!” is massive overkill for such a trivial thing. Maybe more of an “All righty, then” moment.

    I have bookmarked my comment so that it can be flung at the appropriate people in the future.

  49. 49.

    OzarkHillbilly

    @Gin & Tonic:  Sorry to hear of your friend. The not knowing is terrible. A buddy of mine’s father was MIA for over a month during WWII but survived. Hopefully your friend will have a similar phoenix like rising.

  50. 50.

    Amir Khalid

    I remember an old TV show set in the Everglades with Dennis Weaver as a park ranger, Clint Howard (EECOM Gold in Apollo 13) as his young son, and many many airboats. Ring a bell for anyone?

  61. 61.

    JPL

    My Memorial Plans have been scratched because DIL, son and grand imps have Covid.   The imps haven’t been vaccinated yet, so they are keeping a close eye on them.  Eli in only ten months and he has a slight fever.   Carter is three and he’s sneezing and has a runny nose.  “

  62. 62.

    Immanentize

    @Raven: Yikes!! I’m glad to hear she is OK.

    Meanwhile, your friend Andy is also in my mind today. (And by extension all the lost boys.)

  63. 63.

    cope

    Airboats fit into that category of visceral vehicles that can bring out all the emotions from love to hate and everything in-between.  Real off road 4 X 4s, snow machines, skidoos and the like can give a lot of guilty pleasure for sure.

    Whenever my various family members used to visit us here from Colorado, an airboat ride was de rigueur.  However, none who came for a second visit wanted to do it again but they love kayaking and canoeing on the Wekiva or snorkeling in various springs

    Yes, we’re all old.

  64. 64.

    OzarkHillbilly

    @JPL: My eldest just went thru it with his 2 youngest. Vivi (7 mos) and Addy (2 years) came thru fine. Here’s hoping for a similar result for yours.

  70. 70.

    stinger

    @WaterGirl: Wow! I’d be honored. I just feel bad that I left out so many esteemed FPers and valued commenters. My version would be longer than the original if it included the entire ‘tariat.

  72. 72.

    Kathleen

    Still recovering from Covid. I’m functioning but nowhere near 100%.

    I don’t know if anyone here follows Connie Schultz on Facebook, but she has the most adorable story about how she and a neighbor (who happens to be an expert in rescuing wild life) helped a struggling baby bird get back to its parents. I thought of Betty C.

  73. 73.

    Another Scott

    @Gin & Tonic: I’m sorry.  Wishing for the best, for everyone.

    Thanks you for your personal comments on what is happening there.  It’s important and appreciated.

    Best wishes,
    Scott.

  75. 75.

    Eunicecycle

    @Kathleen: I do follow Connie and the story was so sweet. Connie is a daily must read for me, with her gentle humor and wisdom. She seems like someone I would like for a friend.

  80. 80.

    TriassicSands

    Betty — get out of Florida, now! Before it’s too. Before Florida Woman becomes Floriduh Woman and you’re running airboat tours for Republicans.

    OK, over-reaction. But, still, I worry. You’re the one reliable source (that I know of) coming out of Florida (aka East Texas). I don’t know what I’d do if I lost that.

    Be strong!

  82. 82.

    J R in WV

    Do you have to wear hearing protection around airboats?

    That would kinda ruin it for me, I like the sounds of the woods too much.

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