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You are here: Home / Open Threads / Voyage of the Darned (Open Thread)

Voyage of the Darned (Open Thread)

by Betty Cracker|  May 30, 202211:44 am| 85 Comments

This post is in: Open Threads

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Earlier this month, I learned how to drive an airboat. Here’s a short clip of the voyage, and even if you turn the sound all the way up (not recommended!), it still won’t be as loud as it was in real life:

Florida woman drives airboat, doesn’t pitch passengers into swamp. pic.twitter.com/jWYUaeIbNJ

— Betty Cracker (@bettycrackerfl) May 1, 2022

I dislike airboats. They are obnoxiously loud, and I believe they’re more disturbing to wildlife than regular boats. (Belief based on personal observations, not science.) I mildly disliked them before we moved to our swamp redoubt in 2018, but I really cannot abide them now that they roar past our house regularly, drowning out conversations, the radio or television, etc.

That said, it occurred to me a while back that I know how to pilot every other type of vessel that operates in this area except airboats. So I figured I should learn, in case of zombie apocalypse or something, when I might have to escape in whatever craft is handy.

I knew there was only one person to teach me, the same dude who taught me to canoe, sail, drive motorboats of all other types and sizes, dock a large boat on a windy day and back a truck down a crooked ramp to launch a boat at low tide: Dad.

Conveniently, he has an airboat and was willing to let me drive it. He warned that the steering was “squirrely” and that novice airboat drivers were liable to pitch themselves and passengers in the water if they screw up. Maybe he was trying to scare me off, but it didn’t work.

On the appointed day, he showed up at our dock, and I climbed aboard. Having been an airboat passenger a few times, I knew that you steer airboats with a stick that goes forward and backward to move the rudders behind the giant airplane prop at the stern of the boat.

When I climbed into the driver’s seat, I asked Dad if moving the stick forward would make us turn right and moving it backward left or vice-versa. Dad said it doesn’t matter; he told me to just move the stick when we get underway, and it would all make sense. He was right.

Another thing to know about airboats: anything that’s not properly stowed can blow into the prop and get chopped to bits. Dad told me he’d recently lost a shirt that way; he’d been wearing layers on a cool day and, while stopped, had hung an outer shirt on the back of a seat when it warmed up. The shirt got sucked into the prop and chewed up.

Airboats have a gas pedal. After operating throttles on tillers and in cockpits on regular boats for so many years, it was odd to use a gas pedal, but at least I’m familiar with that from cars. There’s no reverse, but that’s okay because you can turn around on land if you have to.

The steering goes away completely on an airboat when you take your foot off the gas. The boat just slides on the surface of the water like a curling stone sliding across ice until you press the gas pedal to push air through the rudders again.

I went slowly at first to get my bearings, and, following his usual teaching methods, Dad repeatedly shouted at me to stop being such a chickenshit so I’d speed up. It worked until we came upon a blockage in a channel, and I slowed down again.

There was a thick, floating patch of vegetation across the channel — a clump large enough to conceal a fallen tree, I worried. Dad tapped my shoulder and shouted “JUST GO!” So I did, and fortunately there was NOT a fallen tree to pitch the old man and me into the gator-infested swamp.

Anyway, Florida Woman card punched. It was fun. Loud! But fun.

Open thread!

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Reader Interactions

85Comments

  1. 1.

    Baud

    May 30, 2022 at 7:46 am

    Looks like you made the most out of the BJ downtime.

    I didn’t learn to do shit.

  2. 2.

    Baud

    May 30, 2022 at 7:50 am

    Florida Woman card punched.

    Now you just need to get arrested for riding an alligator naked through the McDonald’s drive through.

  3. 3.

    Geminid

    May 30, 2022 at 7:50 am

    There will probably be electric airboats out there before too long, may be out already. I guess it will take a while for them to catch on though.

  4. 4.

    NotMax

    May 30, 2022 at 7:54 am

    Rode in one of those contraptions in Florida circa the JFK years. Ears still ringing.

    Could be a trick of recall but remember similar craft plying Xochimilco in Mexico as being significantly quieter than the ones in the Everglades.

  5. 5.

    Rob

    May 30, 2022 at 7:59 am

    Pretty cool!!

    There was some book I read as a kid that I think involved airboats in/and the Everglades. Anyway, I read that book a few times and I so wanted to ride and pilot an airboat.

  6. 6.

    Mike S (Now with a Democratic Congressperson!)

    May 30, 2022 at 8:01 am

    Congratulations on your dryness BC!

  7. 7.

    debbie

    May 30, 2022 at 8:01 am

    Maybe passengers wouldn’t be pitched out if there were side rails?  ‍♀️

  8. 8.

    Betty Cracker

    May 30, 2022 at 8:04 am

    @Geminid: I was thinking about that. I’d buy one! I don’t like the noise of the standard models, and I don’t like how people run through vegetation where birds might be nesting, but I wouldn’t do that, and if  the boat was quiet, I’d enjoy it. Driving one is like piloting a pod-racer in one of the worst Star Wars movies. You’re high up and just booking along!

    @NotMax: All are noisier than I’d prefer, but they seem to vary greatly in noise level. I suspect some people relish the noise the way certain Harley drivers seem to do.

  9. 9.

    stinger

    May 30, 2022 at 8:04 am

    If you love ducks, big dogs, and cats,
    Garden pics, recipes, political spats,
    The good news is — hold on to your hats —
    Today BJ is live.

    Pics of buildings, stars, and birds,
    Accompanied by thoughtful words
    Provide armchair travel for jackal herds
    Today BJ is live.

    If you, like me, plan to vote cyan,
    WaterGirl, Betty C, and bonny Anne
    Bring news with snark more than anyone can
    Today BJ is live.

    And the three men I admire most —
    Omnes, Baud, and our genial host —
    Are still around (and soon ’65’s toast)
    Today BJ is live!

  10. 10.

    cmorenc

    May 30, 2022 at 8:06 am

    Betty, the setting for your boat trip looks like an adventure into the land of creatures with no shoulders.  A noisy craft does upset wildlife, but that includes scaring off creatures with no shoulders from trying to board your boat.

  11. 11.

    debbie

    May 30, 2022 at 8:07 am

    Oh, my.

    Moose vs Grizzly pic.twitter.com/ZefPYT28L9
    — Cozy Cowboy (@cozyCowpoke) May 29, 2022

  12. 12.

    zhena gogolia

    May 30, 2022 at 8:07 am

    Hmmm, if I go to my old bookmark for BJ, I get last night’s post. But if I try to go to an old thread I’ve bookmarked, it brings me here.

  13. 13.

    NotMax

    May 30, 2022 at 8:10 am

    ‘@Baud

    Like any self-respecting alligator could be inveigled into visiting a franchise founded by a guy named Kroc.

    (Gators don’t spell too gud.)

    :)

  14. 14.

    Betty Cracker

    May 30, 2022 at 8:11 am

    I think John made last night’s post sticky. I don’t know why an old bookmark would bring you here, but I suspect the site will be acting strangely for the foreseeable future because most of the data is in purgatory or something.

  15. 15.

    Dorothy A. Winsor

    May 30, 2022 at 8:12 am

    @stinger: Yay, Stinger!

  16. 16.

    mrmoshpotato

    May 30, 2022 at 8:13 am

    @Baud:

    Now you just need to get arrested for riding an alligator naked through the McDonald’s drive through. 

    I believe you must then throw said gator through the drive thru window to unlock the achievement.

  17. 17.

    eclare

    May 30, 2022 at 8:15 am

    The reflection of the sky in the water is beautiful.  I would just sit there and stare at it, not moving at all.

  18. 18.

    eclare

    May 30, 2022 at 8:16 am

    @stinger:   Bravo!

  19. 19.

    Betty Cracker

    May 30, 2022 at 8:18 am

    @mrmoshpotato: I know that has happened at least once — a Wendy’s, IIRC. Maybe it’s happened more than once!

  20. 20.

    Geminid

    May 30, 2022 at 8:20 am

    @Betty Cracker: Someone probably has already taken a johnboat and rigged a trolling motor to a fan with a cage. An E-bike or larger electric motorbike propulsion system would work too. Maybe the fan could pivot so the skiff could turn at slower speeds.

  21. 21.

    mrmoshpotato

    May 30, 2022 at 8:20 am

    @Betty Cracker: Yup – Wendy’s.  They know what they did.

  22. 22.

    raven

    May 30, 2022 at 8:20 am

    On our last trip to the beach with Bohdi I tried to get him to swim in the bay but he could touch the bottom and it freaked him out so I quit. The next day we drove over to the “Truman Show” dock (they built it for the film) and he sort of stumbled around down at the water and fell a couple of time. There was an airboat guy with his boat tethered and he couldn’t help but notice I was sitting on the ground holding my boy and crying like a baby. He came over and asked if I was ok and I said “yea, I just know I’m going to lose him soon”. Later I looked him up online and wrote him a note just saying “thanks”.

  23. 23.

    RandomMonster

    May 30, 2022 at 8:21 am

    This place has that new paint smell.

  24. 24.

    Dorothy A. Winsor

    May 30, 2022 at 8:23 am

    @raven: I’m so sorry. Dogs are so good. It’s amazing what a little kindness from a stranger will do

  25. 25.

    debbie

    May 30, 2022 at 8:24 am

    @raven:

  26. 26.

    raven

    May 30, 2022 at 8:24 am

    @Dorothy A. Winsor: Me and the boy on the Truman Dock, 2011.

     

    He’s been gone for nearly a year but he’s still with us.

  27. 27.

    eclare

    May 30, 2022 at 8:25 am

    @raven:   Awww, how poignant.  I’m sure the guy appreciated your note.

  28. 28.

    NotMax

    May 30, 2022 at 8:28 am

    ‘@mrmoshpotato

    Well, they gave Clara Peller her 15 minutes of fame.

  29. 29.

    Steep’s Helper

    May 30, 2022 at 8:31 am

    Testing something . . .

  30. 30.

    NotMax

    May 30, 2022 at 8:34 am

    ‘@Steep’s Helper

    ‘Okina alert!

    :)

  31. 31.

    Steeplejack

    May 30, 2022 at 8:37 am

    @raven:

  32. 32.

    Steep’s Helper

    May 30, 2022 at 8:41 am

    @NotMax:

    No, that’s a “formal” right single quote.  I think that FYWP objects only to the straight single quote. Let’s see if this comment goes through without moderation. Okina held back as a last resort.

    ETA: Yee-haw! This comment went through without moderation.

  33. 33.

    Betty Cracker

    May 30, 2022 at 8:43 am

    @raven: It’s so hard to lose a great dog. Glad y’all rescued the new girl though.

  34. 34.

    WaterGirl

    May 30, 2022 at 8:47 am

    @stinger: I love that!  I’ll use that for an open thread later today.

  35. 35.

    Gin & Tonic

    May 30, 2022 at 8:48 am

    Woke up this morning to an e-mail from Ukraine – one of my oldest and closest friends there, former (UA) Marine, who returned to National Guard duty, is MIA since the 24th. Not how I wanted to start the day.

  36. 36.

    WaterGirl

    May 30, 2022 at 8:49 am

    @debbie: Poor thing!  Yikes when it crashed into the glass, but a wonderful little video.

  37. 37.

    eclare

    May 30, 2022 at 8:51 am

    @Gin & Tonic:   So sorry to hear that.

  38. 38.

    WaterGirl

    May 30, 2022 at 8:52 am

    @Gin & Tonic:  Well, fuck.  So very sorry Gin & Tonic.

    Worrisome doesn’t begin to cover it, but loss is too final without information.  No good words for this.

  39. 39.

    Mike E

    May 30, 2022 at 8:52 am

    @debbie: I’d wager that that was a momma moose…hell hath no fury: they kill more people than grizzlies do!

  40. 40.

    Immanentize

    May 30, 2022 at 8:56 am

    @raven: You named your sweet Pup Bhodi(sattva) because you knew he would one day become. I like thinking, from time to time, of the flags in your yard.

    But here we are left behind.

  41. 41.

    O. Felix Culpa

    May 30, 2022 at 8:58 am

    @Gin & Tonic: Oh, I’m so sorry about your friend. Fingers crossed that he is ok, but the not-knowing must be terribly worrying. Hugs to you and all who love him.

  42. 42.

    Immanentize

    May 30, 2022 at 8:58 am

    @Gin & Tonic: oh hell. I am willing his safe return.

  43. 43.

    Steep’s Helper

    May 30, 2022 at 9:01 am

    @Steep’s Helper:

    Okay, for people who really, really want an apostrophe in their nym, there is a way to do it without triggering moderation for every comment. You have to use a formal, “slanted” apostrophe—▶ ’ ◀—a single right quote, rather than the straight quote you get by default when typing.

    You can copy the one above or you can insert one in your nym using the “special characters” gizmo above the comment box. It’s the Omega (horseshoe) icon at the right end of the comment toolbar. You don’t want the first one that looks like a right quote, two spots before §; you want the second one, two spots after ». This is obvious on a computer, where the characters are labeled, but you might need it on your phone.

    You should have to do this only once, if you have checked the box to have FYWP remember your nym.

    This concludes (I hope) my sawdust-sawing for the morning. Hope this helps the vanishingly small percentage of jackals who could use it.

  44. 44.

    Steeplejack

    May 30, 2022 at 9:04 am

    @Gin & Tonic:

    for your friend’s safe return.

  45. 45.

    WaterGirl

    May 30, 2022 at 9:07 am

    @Steep’s Helper: Thanks for that, Steep.

  46. 46.

    Betty Cracker

    May 30, 2022 at 9:13 am

    @Gin & Tonic: Awful. I hope he turns up safe, sound and soon.

  47. 47.

    OzarkHillbilly

    May 30, 2022 at 9:14 am

    Voyage of the Darned… I envisioned a post about old holey socks. Imagine my disappointment when I got an airboat video instead. I don’t have an airboat, but I have plenty of socks with holes in them. I could use a tutorial or 3.

  48. 48.

    Steep’s Helper

    May 30, 2022 at 9:16 am

    @WaterGirl:

    It has bugged me for a long time, especially since we used to be able to have apostrophes, and somewhere in the “thinking about rebuilding the blog from scratch” zone this weekend I had an “Aha!” moment, although “Aha!” is massive overkill for such a trivial thing. Maybe more of an “All righty, then” moment.

    I have bookmarked my comment so that it can be flung at the appropriate people in the future.

  49. 49.

    OzarkHillbilly

    May 30, 2022 at 9:18 am

    @Gin & Tonic:  Sorry to hear of your friend. The not knowing is terrible. A buddy of mine’s father was MIA for over a month during WWII but survived. Hopefully your friend will have a similar phoenix like rising.

  50. 50.

    Amir Khalid

    May 30, 2022 at 9:27 am

    I remember an old TV show set in the Everglades with Dennis Weaver as a park ranger, Clint Howard (EECOM Gold in Apollo 13) as his young son, and many many airboats. Ring a bell for anyone?

  51. 51.

    Raven

    May 30, 2022 at 9:31 am

    @Immanentize: Yep! In other news our friend the law prof was bad my mauled by a dog at the shelter. She’s ok but really shaken.

  52. 52.

    Steeplejack

    May 30, 2022 at 9:32 am

    @Amir Khalid:

    Gentle Ben, 1967-69.

  53. 53.

    leeleeFL

    May 30, 2022 at 9:33 am

    @Baud: A naked alligator?  No, really, that would be real Florida Woman territory!

  54. 54.

    Raven

    May 30, 2022 at 9:34 am

    @Amir Khalid: Gentle Ben

  55. 55.

    geg6

    May 30, 2022 at 9:34 am

    @Gin & Tonic:

    So sorry to hear this.  Sending good thoughts.

  56. 56.

    geg6

    May 30, 2022 at 9:35 am

    @Amir Khalid:

    Gentle Ben!

  57. 57.

    JPL

    May 30, 2022 at 9:39 am

    @Gin & Tonic: Oh no!   I’m so sorry and hope that he returns soon, but the news sucks.

  58. 58.

    JPL

    May 30, 2022 at 9:42 am

    @WaterGirl: Thanks so much for working to get the site back up.   You, John and the others involved deserve a big internet hug.

  59. 59.

    debbie

    May 30, 2022 at 9:45 am

    @Mike E:

    Damn fast too!

  60. 60.

    debbie

    May 30, 2022 at 9:46 am

    @Gin & Tonic:

    Oh, I so hope the best for your friend. For everyone.

  61. 61.

    JPL

    May 30, 2022 at 9:51 am

    My Memorial Plans have been scratched because DIL, son and grand imps have Covid.   The imps haven’t been vaccinated yet, so they are keeping a close eye on them.  Eli in only ten months and he has a slight fever.   Carter is three and he’s sneezing and has a runny nose.  “

  62. 62.

    Immanentize

    May 30, 2022 at 10:01 am

    @Raven: Yikes!! I’m glad to hear she is OK.

    Meanwhile, your friend Andy is also in my mind today. (And by extension all the lost boys.)

  63. 63.

    cope

    May 30, 2022 at 10:04 am

    Airboats fit into that category of visceral vehicles that can bring out all the emotions from love to hate and everything in-between.  Real off road 4 X 4s, snow machines, skidoos and the like can give a lot of guilty pleasure for sure.

    Whenever my various family members used to visit us here from Colorado, an airboat ride was de rigueur.  However, none who came for a second visit wanted to do it again but they love kayaking and canoeing on the Wekiva or snorkeling in various springs

    Yes, we’re all old.

  64. 64.

    OzarkHillbilly

    May 30, 2022 at 10:06 am

    @JPL: My eldest just went thru it with his 2 youngest. Vivi (7 mos) and Addy (2 years) came thru fine. Here’s hoping for a similar result for yours.

  65. 65.

    Immanentize

    May 30, 2022 at 10:07 am

    @JPL: That is both sad and scary. Stay safe yourself.

  66. 66.

    Steeplejack

    May 30, 2022 at 10:11 am

    @JPL:

    I hope the family pulls through okay.

  67. 67.

    raven

    May 30, 2022 at 10:15 am

    @JPL: I’m retesting right now.

  68. 68.

    raven

    May 30, 2022 at 10:16 am

    @Immanentize: 54 years

  69. 69.

    eclare

    May 30, 2022 at 10:17 am

    @JPL:   I hope it’s no worse than a cold for any of your family.

  70. 70.

    stinger

    May 30, 2022 at 10:20 am

    @WaterGirl: Wow! I’d be honored. I just feel bad that I left out so many esteemed FPers and valued commenters. My version would be longer than the original if it included the entire ‘tariat.

  71. 71.

    lowtechcyclist

    May 30, 2022 at 10:34 am

    @Amir Khalid: I don’t remember the show you describe, but OTOH I remember this one:

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Everglades_(TV_series)

    Aired in 1961-62 plus reruns, starred Ron Hayes as constable Lincoln Vail who patrolled his territory via airboat.

  72. 72.

    Kathleen

    May 30, 2022 at 10:35 am

    Still recovering from Covid. I’m functioning but nowhere near 100%.

    I don’t know if anyone here follows Connie Schultz on Facebook, but she has the most adorable story about how she and a neighbor (who happens to be an expert in rescuing wild life) helped a struggling baby bird get back to its parents. I thought of Betty C.

  73. 73.

    Another Scott

    May 30, 2022 at 10:39 am

    @Gin & Tonic: I’m sorry.  Wishing for the best, for everyone.

    Thanks you for your personal comments on what is happening there.  It’s important and appreciated.

    Best wishes,
    Scott.

  74. 74.

    susanna

    May 30, 2022 at 10:43 am

    @Gin & Tonic:

    Holding hope.

    I’m sorry and may you receive better news, soon.

  75. 75.

    Eunicecycle

    May 30, 2022 at 10:59 am

    @Kathleen: I do follow Connie and the story was so sweet. Connie is a daily must read for me, with her gentle humor and wisdom. She seems like someone I would like for a friend.

  76. 76.

    Kathleen

    May 30, 2022 at 12:42 pm

    @Eunicecycle: Yes. She is a lovely lady.

  77. 77.

    Ghost of Joe Liebling’s Dog

    May 30, 2022 at 1:15 pm

    @Steep’s Helper:

    Thank you! and testing …

  78. 78.

    WaterGirl

    May 30, 2022 at 1:16 pm

    @Ghost of Joe Liebling’s Dog: I approved this one.  But if this is your first with the new special apostrophe, we won’t know if it works until you submit a second comment.

    So please do that now so we can see the results before I have to step away from the laptop.

  79. 79.

    Steep’s Helper

    May 30, 2022 at 1:47 pm

    @WaterGirl:

    I submitted a second comment with my apostrophe and it went through okay.

  80. 80.

    TriassicSands

    May 30, 2022 at 2:53 pm

    Betty — get out of Florida, now! Before it’s too. Before Florida Woman becomes Floriduh Woman and you’re running airboat tours for Republicans.

    OK, over-reaction. But, still, I worry. You’re the one reliable source (that I know of) coming out of Florida (aka East Texas). I don’t know what I’d do if I lost that.

    Be strong!

  81. 81.

    thalarctosMaritimus

    May 30, 2022 at 3:16 pm

    @Gin & Tonic: I’m so sorry.

  82. 82.

    J R in WV

    May 30, 2022 at 4:39 pm

    Do you have to wear hearing protection around airboats?

    That would kinda ruin it for me, I like the sounds of the woods too much.

  83. 83.

    J R in WV

    May 30, 2022 at 4:41 pm

    @Gin & Tonic:

    Sorry to hear that!

    War sucks,  even the righteous ones!

  84. 84.

    Ryan

    May 30, 2022 at 9:58 pm

    So it’s a tank?

  85. 85.

    Chris T.

    May 30, 2022 at 10:51 pm

    @Steep’s Helper:

    You have to use a formal, “slanted” apostrophe …

    This actually makes sense. See xkcd #327 for the reason why!

Comments are closed.

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