Ajabu shares a very personal story.
In light of the SCOTUS decision, I want to share a very personal story of my own pre-Roe experience that I’ve never discussed publicly, but because you jackals are like family I want you to hear it. I need you to hear it. Considering that the other two principals (girlfriend and doctor) are both deceased, it’s become my story alone.
What the Extreme Court has just done is to recreate the horror I’m about to describe. I realize as I contemplate writing this that all the minor details that I thought I’d for gotten over the decades are flooding back, so it’s clear that I was more affected by this than I thought I was.
I’m old now. In 1967 I wasn’t. In early 1967 I got my steady girlfriend – my first true love that I adored – pregnant. At the time she was a 20 year old student, raised by a single mother and the first in her family to attend college.
I was a young musician struggling to establish myself as a professional. I wasn’t upset that she was pregnant. I had wanted to marry her anyway. Her response, however, was she wan’t about to drop out of college and said, “If I marry you it will be in spite of, not because of, the pregnancy.”
So we were looking at the only other option. Abortion. A totally illegal and VERY expensive procedure. It had to be right. I loved her. And I’d heard the stories of coat hangers and back alleys. Time was of the essence.
I was terrified of the cost. Not that I wouldn’t pay it. I just didn’t have it!
I talked to everyone I knew, looking for a solution.
Days became weeks, and still no answer. Fortunately for me, a pianist I was working with came from old money and his mother was a an M.D.with some sense and a connection!!
She wasn’t about to get directly involved, but passed on contact info to a Dr. Robert Spencer through her son. Dr. Spencer was apparently already famous as an illegal abortionist. Check his Wikipedia page. He was! And his price was $50!!! Hallelujah!!
And that’s when the spy novel shit started for real.
I had to write to a P.O. box. “Dear Dr. Spencer: I have been told by a friend you may be able to help me. Date of the last period was xx/xx.” I mailed it and waited. And the clock was ticking…
About a week later I received an envelope in the mail with no return address. 55 years later I can can still quote it verbatim: “On Monday at Noon and the following A.M. Bring no luggage to the office. Make no arrangements to stay until you have been examined. Be careful. This is the most difficult time.”
The letter arrived on a Saturday. This was 1967. No ATMs. No access to money. I had no credit cards and he was in Ashland, PA. I had to fly there by Monday morning. To see a (hopefully legitimate) stranger to perform surgery on my girlfriend on the basis of a cryptic, unsigned, typed note.
First things first. I had to find some money, book a flight and explain to my girlfriend’s mother what was going on. I was able to get the local grocer to let me cash a check for $100 so we could at least eat and get a room.
I then called the pianist whose mother arranged it and he advanced the plane fare and gave me more cash for me to return to him when the bank opened on Monday.
Then the hard part – her Mom. I must have talked a hell of a game because once she recovered from the initial shock and rage she agreed to allow her daughter to get a 6:00 am flight to another state with me, to see a stranger for an illegal procedure. She hoped to see her daughter alive again.
Monday morning we set out. We flew to Reading, PA, rented a car and drove to Ashland. We arrived about 10:00 am and went to the office. Greeted by an elderly receptionist. I looked at our surroundings. A bunch of goofy signs like “We grow too soon old and too late smart.” An equally elderly gentleman arrived and escorted my girlfriend back to the exam room, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I’m in a nightmare scenario being tended to by Dementia patients posing as medical staff.
When she returned with some pills and an appointment for 9:00 the next morning, we went to check into our motel. I was struck by the fact that Ashland is a small rural (white) town and the only apparent minorities were us (Black) and another young couple (Asian) while the locals were like “Oh, Dr, Spencer’s abortion patients, huh?” We were like exhibits…
The night was bizarre. After taking the medication, Girlfriend spent the night on the toilet trying to induce whatever while I tried to comfort her. It was a nightmare.
With very little sleep we headed to our morning appointment. Everything went smoothly (although I was still concerned that we were dealing with geriatric medical staff). This was a blind contact, after all. They took her to the operating room, and I spent an endless agonizing time alone waiting for the conclusion and hoping for the best.
At last, the assistant, a man in his 80’s I’d guess, came out to tell me that the procedure went well, no complications – however – she was still unconscious and needed to be moved to the recovery room. Neither of these elderly men were physically able to pick up an unconscious young woman, they had no rolling equipment, and I was invited into the operating room to remove her from the table and carry her to recovery.
I then spent the next hour holding her hand waiting for her to regain consciousness. She finally did, I left her to dress and paid the $50 bill. FIFTY DOLLARS! For saving this young girl’s future…
Dr. Robert Spencer had been performing these procedures illegally since 1921 simply because because he was a good, righteous and moral man doing the right thing and, in my eyes, a Saint!
We left, drove back to Reading and stopped to eat before going to the airport. I found a pay phone and called her Mom. She answered with fear in her voice. I said, “I’m bringing you back a carefree college girl.”
From that day forward till the day she died, I was Mom’s favorite person. We took our flight home and resumed our lives, already in progress.* Relieved, but emotionally exhausted. It shouldn’t have been so fucking complicated!
Addendum:
*I don’t want to give the impression that this was easy. Quite the contrary. That’s why I’ve included so much detail. The experience had a profound impact both emotionally and psychologically on both of us. It changed the trajectory of our lives.
We reluctantly participated in a felony (that never should have been a criminal act to begin with) and, because of the nature of the situation and secrecy surrounding it, kept us in a state of confusion and random terror all the way through. And we were kids at the time.
Six years later I could have driven her to a local facility where she’d have been prepared and nurtured throughout.
Now? FUCK SCOTUS!!
* Dr. Spencer died in 1969 having done extraordinary good for nearly 50 years. Rest In Power!
* Girlfriend and I never could quite get past this experience, never married but never completely let go. We remained close friends (and frequently lovers) for another 20 years. She never married. I did. We remained friends till she died.
trollhattan
Powerful. You did well with an extremely challenging test, and it reflects well on you.
Our new “normal” seems very abnormal, indeed. Shame has been restored to its former glory.
Baud
I am speechless. Thanks for sharing.
narya
Thank you for sharing that with us.
RedDirtGirl
Heartbreaking. And that’s a story that ended “well”.
Thank you for sharing that.
Alison Rose
Thank you for sharing this story with us, and for being there for your girlfriend when she needed you.
Ann Marie
Thank you for telling us about this traumatic episode. I can’t believe we’re going back to this.
RedDirtGirl
I just found a link to a 1969 Village Voice article about the abortion doctorhttps://www.villagevoice.com/2010/06/21/when-an-abortionist-dies/
PaulB
It’s utterly horrifying to think that everything you experienced — the stress, the uncertainty, the lawbreaking aspects, the cost, the trauma — was the good outcome. We are going to have to learn these lessons all over again and the cost of doing so will be horrific.
Betty Cracker
Wow — powerful story; thank you for sharing it with us. That must have been terrifying. God bless Dr. Spencer and his ancient staff. The description of the doctor reminds me of Dr. Larch in Cider House Rules. I haven’t read that book in forever, but I’ve never forgotten the character.
PS: I changed my Twitter profile pic on the day Roe fell to honor a relative. Here’s the tweet:
I’m sure there are similar stories in many of our families. I’m glad you and your girlfriend were among the fortunate who found trustworthy care.
Old School
Thanks for sharing. It is horrible what people will be/are going through in similar situations.
leeleeFL
I can’t stop crying! Is that crazy? When I became pregnant with my son in 1972, abortion was already legal in NY, so I could have had one, and no one would ever know! It was not a decision I would ever have made, but I was grateful as hell that the choice was mine to make, I married the father, had that baby and then a Daughter 6 years later to the day. There was a miscarriage in between and one afterwards. No one ever really knew about either of those. It was our personal business….quaint, right? The marriage was a disaster, so I wasn’t really unpunished, but at least I knew the kids were my choice.
I hope those miserable assholes on the Court have nightmares for the rest of their existences. They won’t about this decision, since they think they’re righteous! I just don’t want any of them to sleep well again. Any subject that keeps them miserable is fine!
MomSense
Words fail me. What an experience. You were both so very lucky.
leeleeFL
@Betty Cracker: Sorry for your loss, Betty! There must be thousands of stories like your family’s. This BS is killing me! I have that Daughter and her 3 Daughters to worry about now! I hate the Justices with the heat of 1000 suns.
Suzanne
In contrast: I took a half-day off work, drive 20 minutes to the clinic next to my favorite Mediterranean restaurant, had a short appointment (including a bullshit ultrasound), took a pill and was given a second for later that night, and went home.
I am so grateful that my experience was so much easier. May it be so, moving forward.
Lyrebird
Thank you Ajabu.
Sometimes people get concerned if there are few comments. This was moving and very personal. Not much to say other than to thank you.
Bex
I remember a doctor in a downstate Illinois college town was know far and wide as a good man and very skilled. His wife was a former nurse. People from Chicago and probably beyond came for abortions. The town turned a blind eye and accepted that this was a needed service. A friend of mine went to this doctor and her abortion was without complications.
Jay
Thank you so much for your post.
Ben Cisco
Horrified at what you had to go through.
Furious (again!) at our Inferior Court for subjecting everyone to this AGAIN.
Mathguy
Thanks for sharing this. The FTFNYT garbage op/eds last week need a counter narrative shaped by experiences like this.
West of the Rockies
What a stunning, well-written gut-punch of a story! Thank you so much for sharing.
The Moar You Know
and to think this was the best case outcome.
god damn these forced-birthers.
MattF
My dad was a physician— and he was entirely unambiguous: if I got a girl pregnant and she needed an abortion, he could arrange it. Also, fwiw, it was easy to tell from medical statistics where the procedures were being performed.
zhena gogolia
Thank you for the story. So enraging that we’re going back to this.
Sister Golden Bear
Powerful. Thank you so much for sharing.
Kropacetic
A noisy minority in this country has been promoting a backward-looking degenerate culture that has brought us to this. They claim it’s a cultural restoration, but it’s really an ossified view of a version of American culture that never truly existed.
Sure, some of their goals for today were met back in the day; but society is different now and they need to lean way harder into the authoritarianism to maintain their hold.
Ramalama
Ajabu: I can’t imagine your terror, or your girlfriend’s, or her mother’s.
Thank you for sharing.
I think this is my favorite (for lack of better word for an appalling reason why you felt motivated to share it) post on this jackal website.
Barbara
@Mathguy: You can be sure that most women know someone who had an abortion or had one themselves. They don’t need the NYT to tell them what’s what when it comes to abortion.
JPL
Tears are flowing because some states don’t care about life. Your story is about life.
Sister Machine Gun of Quiet Harmony
@Bex: The crazy part is small towns today would be the first to have a doctor like that strung up. Its dizzying how radical right wingers have completely taken over small town America. It feels like we’ve almost turned into Iran, with the religious extremists in the rural areas and the urban areas filled with people who are unhappy and far more liberal, but unable to improve the country.
debbie
Absolutely horrifying. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Kropacetic
Well, that’s good because as far as I can tell the NYT isn’t here to inform people.
Bex
@Sister Machine Gun of Quiet Harmony: You’re right. The town had always been Republican, but now the Republicans have changed into anti-abortion zealots.
KayInMD (formerly Kay (not the front-pager))
This is horrific. I’m so glad you were there for each other, but not surprised that your relationship could not survive that kind of trauma.
And I wonder if this kind of anonymity, marginal as it was, would even be possible in today’s environment.
SpaceUnit
A very powerful and moving story.
I have a question. Was there a powerful and organized anti-abortion movement in 1967? I understand that it was illegal in most (all?) places, but was it really the kind of animating political issue that it has become today?
Ajabu
@RedDirtGirl:
thank you for sharing this link. Without writing a book I couldn’t have possible describe how extraordinary Dr. Spencer was and how lucky we were to find him.
Baud
@SpaceUnit:
Abortion was illegal just about everywhere then. You’re not going to have a passionate movement to preserve the status quo.
Ajabu
To all the commenters here:
thank you for reading and understanding this difficult experience.
and once again, Fuck the extreme court!
Ruckus
Ajabu, Thank you for telling us this story.
I am sorry that you and especially your girlfriend had to go through this.
I am sorry that so many assholes want women to go back 55 years ago with their PERSONAL healthcare, to back rooms and all the possible complications.
I am sorry that assholes want women to give up their bodily autonomy and control their lives.
I’m sorry that Shit For Brains ever got to be anything other than a disgusting, shitty story of humanity.
I’m sorry that almost half our country thinks that living in 2022 BC would be a great thing.
I’m sorry that religion has been so disastrously fucked up and that those same assholes who want to live in 2022 BC have a voice that escapes the mental health wards they should be locked up in.
I’m sorry that Rupert Murdoch was born, that his hate and disgustingly bad, shitty life was able to create faux news or more appropriately – The All Hate & Bigotry Channel.
Because all of the above is a big part of the reason that we are where we are and that you felt compelled to have to relive this situation.
caphilldcne
Thank you Ajabu for sharing this powerful story.
in the 90s in Minot North Dakota when I was in the Air Force, I loaned money to a friend to pay for an abortion for his girlfriend. They were both quite young and I think a bit naive. They eventually got married and have had at least 3 kids but I’ve lost contact. I hope they are happy and well. I also hope they remember that they once needed an abortion that helped to set them up for a good life and vote accordingly.
Sister Machine Gun of Quiet Harmony
@Barbara: Men need to hear these stories, especially those with sons. They need to picture this happening to them. They need to understand how this will effect them and their loved ones. Too many anti-abortion men are promiscuous. They’re living in a world of denial about how this is going to impact them. This isn’t the 50s. We have DNA tests that can accurately identify the father. Unless the mother decides on adoption, they will be financially liable for supporting that child. No amount of slut shaming will change that.
Citizen Alan
@SpaceUnit:
As I understand it, outside of the Catholic Church, there was no meaningful Anti-abortion movement in this country until the Evangelicals figured out 1978 that by becoming rabidly Anti-abortion, they could peel the catholics off from the Democratic Party and eventually bring back Jim-Crow.
Sure Lurkalot
When I think of the fear and uncertainty many will go through, as so well expressed in this recounting, it’s infuriating. Moreso when you consider that some states will likely make some or all contraceptives illegal as well.
It’s easily demonstrated that the forced birth crowd has no concern for life given that so many of them love guns and the death penalty and they have no interest in government programs that promote and subsidize parenthood.
olster
Thanks, Ajabu.
Kropacetic
@Ajabu: Your story clarified a lot about the stakes of this issue. Hopefully a lot of people will be mobilized and eager to fight for everyone’s rights.
Makes them sound way cooler than they actually are. Boofing then riding the half-pipe is ill advised, yet only naturally. Boofing then issuing jurisprudence endangers everyone.
JanieM
Abaju,your story made me cry — then Betty Cracker’s comment started me up all over again. As Barbara said above, most women *know* someone (that’s me), or *are* someone (that’s my best friend when we were young….)….
Thanks for telling your story so movingly. I don’t know what’s going to turn our trajectory around, but people telling their stories is going to be part of it.
CaseyL
What a harrowing story; thank you for telling it.
I never needed an abortion before it was legal, but definitely remember helping take up collections for friends in high school to go to New York where abortion had recently been legalized. My high school was in Miami Beach, so you can imagine these weren’t inexpensive day trips.
I can unfortunately very easily believe we are back to those bad days again. There have been so many cycles of liberation and counter-liberation throughout Western history, and each cycle seems to last about a generation. (In the 20th Century, there was the Jazz Age rebellion against Victorian/Edwardianism; then the Depression spurred a backlash; WWII gave women and minorities new opportunities that the post-War era took away, until the civil rights and 2nd Wave feminism movements; and now we’re in the backlash against that.)
The only saving grace is that, so far, each wave of liberation has crested further than any before it, and each backlash hasn’t been able to fully restore the status quo ante.
Kropacetic
Like one faux-libertarian friend I recall panicking trying to find money to fund a legal abortion for a child he never told me he was considering raising.
Naturally, the Supreme Court misruling has brought him to a state of elation. Hypocrite.
H.E.Wolf
@Ajabu: Thank you for telling us.
May those who want us to go backward, fail in their objectives.
May the rest of us join together and work our butts off to ensure that they fail.
SpaceUnit
@Baud:
Okay, that’s pretty much what I thought.
The reason I asked is because I actually think it’s going to be worse now that Roe has been overturned. And I don’t say this in order to diminish Ajabu’s experience in any way. It was clearly a terrifying ordeal.
But today there are hordes of radicalized panty-sniffers to contend with. They will feel emboldened to use every means possible to track down and harass abortion providers and patients.
Sister Machine Gun of Quiet Harmony
@Kropacetic: Somehow, they never think it will happen to them. Even after it does. Then, its justified for them. Its those other people whom the law is for.
Suzanne
@Kropacetic: SuzBioDad, who pushed SuzMom to have an abortion and then severed his parental rights to me (and another child) in order to avoid child support, has been all over Facebook with anti-abortion propaganda.
Sister Machine Gun of Quiet Harmony
@Suzanne: The law allowing these men to get away with not being financially responsible for children needs to be changed. Even if they don’t have custody, they need to be on the hook financially until that child is an adult come what may.
Were I you, I would not be able to resist pointing that out on his feed. Outing him, as it were.
Jay
Ot, but I am going to park this here,
Kropacetic
@Sister Machine Gun of Quiet Harmony: We wouldn’t have to ban abortions if it weren’t for all those recreational abortions that [who?] are having.
Suzanne: Despicable. Detestable. Is there another word?
JanieM
@SpaceUnit: Yes, and the notion that they can track, arrest, and punish citizens of their states doing something legal in another state is tantamount to saying that they own our bodies wherever we go. Bad enough that they think they’re in charge of our bodies when we’re *in* their states. (And of course that’s to say nothing of the notion that they can punish providers in other states for things that aren’t crimes where they take place.)
Suzanne
@Sister Machine Gun of Quiet Harmony: It is tempting. I haven’t decided what to do.
narya
I can think of five people I know personally who’ve had an abortion, including one second-trimester procedure (because she kept getting ambiguous/false negative results). I know three women who got pregnant while using oral contraceptives–one ended up in the above list, two had the kid. And I’m sure that I am forgetting one or more, and I’m sure there are other folks I know who haven’t mentioned it. I am so damn tired of Trollito and friends pretending that abortion is this newfangled thing that must be stamped out: women have tried to control their reproductive lives forfuckingever, and the people that oppose it do not want women to control anything at all.
stinger
Thank you, Ajabu, for finding the courage to tell your story, and for reliving the pain in order to tell it.
EarthWindFire
It’s awfully dusty in here, Ajabu. I came of age when abortion was legal everywhere and I had mine when it was legal everywhere. I’ve had a hard time imagining what overturning Roe would be like other than obviously bad. Your story has clarified so much for me. Thank you.
Steve in the ATL
What a story. Thanks for sharing it. I’ll second the praise of the other commenters as I can’t articulate it as well as they have.
Scout211
Thank you Ajabu for sharing your story. What a brave thing you both did and what a wonderful doctor you found.
I was a junior in college when Roe v. Wade was decided on January 22, 1973. A very close relative of mine called me in a panic when she was a college freshman that following fall. She was pregnant and could not have a baby when she was barely 18 and barely in a relationship.
She had no idea what to do. This is what we all felt immediately for all of the years before Roe v Wade. Friends in high school, friends in college, all had to keep the pregnancy. There were no other choices. Most of them married the father and a few became single parents. If some of those women gave the baby up for adoption, we never found out. (But there always were rumors in our small town).
I told my close relative to call her mother immediately and ask for money for an abortion. She was taken aback but I knew her mom well and knew she would help her daughter. She came through immediately and with no questions asked. It all went well and my relative went on to get her masters degree. She has one child now.
Her father was never told. That was a smart decision.
gene108
Alito, Roberts, and Thomas all lived through 1967. They remember what it was like. I wouldn’t be surprised if at least one of those three paid for or knew a friend or relative who paid for a girlfriend’s abortion.
Honestly, I just can’t imagine living through that era and wanting to return things to the way they were. They have first hand knowledge of cases like the OP, but don’t give a fuck.
Imposing their personal opinions on the rest of us is more important to them than anything.
pat
The most maddening part of all this is that THERE ARE NO EXCEPTIONS FOR RAPE, INCEST, OR
ECTOPIC PREGNANCIES!!!!!!!!
Do these assholes have absolutely no medical knowledge at all? An ECTOPIC pregnancy BY definition, can not proceed to birth.
Horrible people, just horrible.
Another Scott
Thank you, Ajabu.
Someone said that each generation has to do the work to protect and preserve Democracy. It seems clear that we have to do the same for our reproductive, privacy, and healthcare rights as well.
Cheers,
Scott.
prostratedragon
Who said Sysyphus is a myth? Thank you, Ajabu, for sharing this harrowing story. I’m part of the next cohort, so few of us had to go to such lengths, but the relief from that fact was still palpable. Now it’s back to pushing that rock.
OzarkHillbilly
My own experience was entirely different. No muss, no fuss. Done and done.
I wish like hell that if the need should arise, my granddaughters could have a similar experience.
Kropacetic
More like a useful metaphor. A mythaphor?
Nicole
Thank you for this story. I like that you were Mom’s favorite person after. :)
I grew up not far from where he practiced. I was born a few years before Roe v Wade, so I would bet some of the older generations of women in my life had known of him, and maybe gone to him. Talk about a hero.
FelonyGovt
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Ajabu. You and your girlfriend were very brave and that doctor sounds like a saint.
I was in high school and was beginning college when abortion was legalized in NY and then Roe was decided. Lifted a huge weight we all felt, knowing that we could actually control the course of our lives.
Jager
In the summer of 1966, a college GF of mine was about 2 months late, she was a pre-med student. One of her professors, suggested she visit a local OBGYN. He overdosed her on birth control pills. If I remember it went 4 pills, 3 pills, 2 pills, 1 pill. It was a hard couple of days, especially for her. Her roommate was gone for the summer, I moved in with her, and majored in handholding, feeding, and hugging. She retired two years ago after a long career in Family Practice.
Ladyraxterinok
@Citizen Alan:
It wasn’t the evangelicals that decided to become anti-abortion,. Or at least they had a great deal of help. A group including Weyrich felt that with the decision against the Bob Jones University the Republicans no longer had the hook of segregation to get the white Southern evangelicals to side with them. So they decided on abortion
Slacltivist in his blog at Patheos had several very good articles about how the evangelicals changed from not really caring about abortion to being adamantly opposed. He mentioned that the president of the SBC wrote an article for Christianity today saying that Roe v Wade was a good decision.
Rather quickly being anti-abortion became the litmus test for a good Evangelical.
AM in NC
Thank you for sharing your story with us, Ajabu. And thank you for being such a good partner to your girlfriend.
I hope my sons act as well as you did, should they find themselves in this situation now. I can’t believe my sons could find themselves in this situation now.
pat
My previous comment (rant) was a bit off-topic, so I am coming back to thank you for sharing your story.
Violet
Thank you for sharing this story. It’s painful to read knowing that this is what women (and girls) will be facing again.
thalarctosMaritimus
Thank you, Ajabu.
Scout211
@pat:
Your comment was not really off-topic, more topic-adjacent.
I bet most of us know at least one person who has had an ectopic pregnancy, a late-term deceased fetus, a non-viable fetus or a still birth. It is heart-breaking when there are no choices!
Louise B.
Thank you for sharing this, Ajabu. These stories are important ones to tell.
evodevo
@MattF: I worked in the medical records dept of our local hospital for a year or so when I was 25 in the late Sixties. You had unfettered access to the card file (like that in a library) that gave the location of the file and a coded summary of what procedure was performed. It amazed me just how many D&Cs were performed in a town of 8000 people. I presume not all of them were post-miscarriage, and this was several years before you could access legal abortion in KY…
pat
@Scout211:
What I simply can not get over is that there are doctors and hospitals who are just HOPING that they never have to deal with this, because it will be a PROBLEM for them.
The more I think about this disaster, the more I am increasingly depressed that so many states have actually gone there, and will prosecute medical doctors for SAVING A PATIENT. You know it’s coming, or the doctors will think, sorry, we can’t save you, we don’t want to get in trouble with the law.
I’m ranting again. Just finished a long article in The New Yorker about Victor Orban in Hungary and how he is becoming a model for our right-wing extremists in the repuke party.
Well, that really is off-topic. Have to go do some cooking now…
Ohio Mom
Ajabu’s story knocked me over. So many layers to it. Heartening the way friends and acquaintances came to his and his girlfriend’s aid.
I know that $50 sounds cheap but according to the Inflation Calculator site, that’s equivalent to $437 and change. The $100 the grocer let him cash a check for would be $875 today. Then there is the loaned money for the airfare. It all adds up to a lot of money for college students living in the edge financially.
The touch of comedy is the whole town knowing the local doctor is providing abortions and taking it in stride. When the good doctor died before abortion was legalized, you have to imagine the motel owner taking a hit, a steady income stream gone. I wonder what was said in the doctor’s eulogy, and I imagine all the devastated couples who found out their ace in the hole was gone.
The epilogue of Abaju and his old girlfriend remaining connected through the rest of her life was so moving to me. In the alternate timeline, where there is no pregnancy and no abortion, would they have eventually broken up, like so many young loves do, and lost track of one another?
I know this is an almost top 10,000 blog and I know it has a large readership (lots of lurkers apparently). But I wish this story could have a larger platform. It’s beautifully written on an important topic.
Miki
Jeebus. This is exactly what Roe gave us for 49 years – freedom from the crazy, dangerous, cruel, stupid, brutal, expensive misogyny that far too often depended on fucking luck for a solution to a problem.
Two young people doing what is right for them should never be that difficult.
#fucktheextremecourt
Tokyokie
@Ladyraxterinok:
And I wonder whether the Opus Dei types on the court realize just how abruptly the fundies will drop their Whore-of-Babylon asses once they’ve achieved their political goals?
NeenerNeener
You’d think after 40-some years I’d be over it…but I’m not. I was a junior in college and madly in love but not in any hurry for marriage and kids when the birth control failed. Boyfriend said, in order: that if he had to get married his parents would get divorced and it would be my fault, he’d rather be arrested for rape, he couldn’t contribute to the $200 fee, nor could he take time off from work to drive me to the appointment, but (here’s the kicker) he was thrilled to find out HE WASN’T STERILE. I couldn’t tell my family because my mother would have totally lost her sh*t and clubbed me over the head like a baby seal before she threw me out. Both of my parents have since passed away without ever knowing.
I bless the high school bestie who rode with me to the appointment and curse my lousy taste in men.
texasdoc
@pat: Before I went to medical school, I was living in Pittsburgh, PA, and volunteered at a free clinic. There were no home pregnancy tests then, so one of the main services we offered was pregnancy testing. We had counselors to talk to the women about their results, giving info about local clinics if they wanted to keep the child, and information about abortion clinics in New York if they wanted to end the pregnancy–because abortion was illegal in Pennsylvania. One night we had an 11 year old girl come in, who had never even had a period, but was pregnant. We all know how that had likely happened. Many states now have laws that would FORCE her to carry that child. Never mind the toll on her still immature body, or on her mind. This is just insanity.
WaterGirl
@Violet: Violet! So good to see your nym here.
Citizen_X
That was powerful, Ajabu. Thank you for sharing.
And rest in power, Dr. Spencer, indeed!
Ohio Mom
@Tokyokie: No, the forced-birthers now consider themselves on a roll. This victory of theirs has inspired them to keep working on it until there is no legal abortion anywhere in the country.
And they are a gullible lot, if they aren’t already against contraception, they will soon be convinced. Then gay and trans rights too, etc., etc.
On another note, I went to google Dr. Spencer and came up with this sorry story: In 2020, his old office was bought and torn down (in fairness, evidently it was no longer structurally sound) by a fundamentalist group that was planning to open an anti-abortion counseling center. Or what
@Sister Machine Gun of Quiet Harmony: said.
dkinPa
Ajabu, bless you and thank you so much for sharing your story.
To think that we were past all that, and yet women will have to go through it all again. I hope you have encouraged others here who will share their stories in other posts. I have also been moved by the brief stories told in the comments by others.
Remember when the rabid conservatives were shrieking that gays and gay marriage was the absolute worst? They were able to win more than a few election cycles on that. And then more and more gays started coming out of the closet and telling their story, and people who didn’t think they knew any gays suddenly realized that there were gays in their own family. And they weren’t horrible monsters. They were ordinary people who wanted to work and live and raise their own families.
I think statistics say that something like 30% of women in America have had an abortion at some time. That’s a lot of women, and their stories need to be told. I first heard the phrase, Think globally, act locally here at BJ. We need to start hearing more stories here, as people feel that they are able to share, and we need to share as many stories to other people as possible.
I may be delusional, but I really think Republicans have over-reached this time. We need make them pay this November and strengthen our majorities in the House and Senate. Then we can move forward, not backwards.
brantl
@Suzanne: Have you ever told him to go fuck himself? I had a dad like that, and I did. It wasn’t satisfying, but it was closure.
JaneE
Thank you Abaju for that. And bless Dr. Spencer.
I never needed an abortion, but I was in college in the early and middle 60’s and knew at least one girl who had one and two who married instead.
One marriage ended in divorce before the third anniversary. The other couple ran away to get married, literally, and other than one birth announcement I did not hear from them again.
The abortion was had by a more casual acquaintance. He had been admitted to professional school, she was going for a teaching credential. They had been engaged for a while, but were waiting until she graduated and got a teaching job. She was planning to teach until he was finished his course of study and established a practice and then they would start their family. He was two or three years older than she was, and both were more mature than my other friends. They decided to abort, and continue with their plans intact. Their parents were both professional people, and agreed and supported their decision. With their parents’ help they found a clinic in Tiajuana with a real OB/Gyn with facilities as good as any surgery, with beds available to keep her overnight, or longer if needed. It was expensive, but not really more than a short surgical stay in the US would have been. When she came back Monday you would never know she had been gone. They gave her antibiotic to take as a precaution, and she said the facility could have been a small hospital here. Wealthy parents make all the difference in the world. Aside from having to cross the border, her experience was comparable to post-Roe. Considering I knew her more casually than my other friends, she was much more open about her situation and what they were going to do. I expect it had to do with the fact that both sets of parents stood behind their decision.
Laura Too
Ajabu, thank you for opening up your pain to share your story. I hope you find some peace in knowing we all stand with you.
mvr
This strikes me as very true. I find it hard to believe that most men don’t know they know women who have had abortions. I also doubt that so many of them managed to avoid being involved in a pregnancy which led to an abortion. I was always pretty careful with birth control but it does not always work, so I am among those who did not avoid being partly responsible for an abortion. Both were good decisions that I supported but they were not mine to make. Both were post-Roe but also post backlash. Problem with telling much more of the stories, especially publicly is that they are not only my stories.Thanks to Ajuba for telling his story well.
Miss Bianca
Thank you. We need more of these stories out there.
Someday I may muster up the courage to talk about my experiences working in a Planned Parenthood clinic that did abortions, and my time as an abortion advocate and escort, and the experiences that led up to that period of my life. but today…is not that day.
Miss Bianca
@Jay: I don’t think it’s off-topic. It’s the flip side of the same wretched coin, far as I’m concerned.
Dan B
@Ajabu: My cousin got a back alley abortion in Mexico. She bled for a week. She didn’t dare go to a doctor since that would have exposed her to legal jeopardy. He boyfriend wouldn’t speak to her when she got back. She got her degree and then an MBA from the University of Chicago. She had a great career and has a great son – ex, not so much. Men are affected by “women’s issues” sometimes with heart and courage like you.
Paul Begala's Pink Tie
Thank you for sharing this moving story — as others have said, it is both inspiring (the helping friends, your support for the GF, especially Dr. Spencer) and sickening.
When I needed an abortion, as a mom of three kids aged roughly between 4.5 and 1 (10+ years ago), I went to my ob/gyn and said, “I’m pregnant and I don’t want to be.” He said he could get me an appointment with a doctor on a different floor; when I asked why *he* couldn’t be the one to help, he said that the practice as a group had decided they couldn’t do elective terminations because they didn’t want drama. I went to the doctor’s office — no name on the door, of course — and had a transvaginal ultrasound, with a D&C scheduled for the next day. Because Texas. The only thing I’d describe as a “complication” was having to recover from conscious sedation for part of the afternoon.
Statistically, it looks like a significant number (if not a majority) of abortions are sought by women who are already mothers. I am here to tell you — having children absolutely solidified my certainty that parenthood must always be an affirmative choice, and abortion is necessary for everyone’s well-being & often survival.
TiredOfItAll
Thank you for sharing this deeply personal story, @Ajabu, and thank you for standing by your girlfriend in her hour of need. You were both so young. And both so strong.
Villago Delenda Est
Ajabu, let me add my thanks for your sharing of this story. It’s powerful, and it sends a message that the forced birthers don’t want to hear: that making abortion illegal doesn’t stop them from happening, it just makes them much less safe and creates far more complications, physically, emotionally, financially. But then again, the forced birthers think that these complications are features, not bugs, because they are inherently cruel people.