Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

It is possible to do the right thing without the promise of a cookie.

I’d try pessimism, but it probably wouldn’t work.

Fundamental belief of white supremacy: white people are presumed innocent, minorities are presumed guilty.

People really shouldn’t expect the government to help after they watched the GOP drown it in a bathtub.

Nancy smash is sick of your bullshit.

Battle won, war still ongoing.

We won’t go back.

We’ve had enough carrots to last a lifetime. break out the sticks.

People are complicated. Love is not.

Let’s show the world that autocracy can be defeated.

Seems like a complicated subject, have you tried yelling at it?

Polls are now a reliable indicator of what corporate Republicans want us to think.

It’s easy to sit in safety and prescribe what other people should be doing.

It’s the corruption, stupid.

Since when do we limit our critiques to things we could do better ourselves?

When someone says they “love freedom”, rest assured they don’t mean yours.

The next time the wall street journal editorial board speaks the truth will be the first.

Our job is not to persuade republicans but to defeat them.

Republicans choose power over democracy, every day.

Israel is using food as a weapon of war. Unforgivable.

Just because you believe it, that doesn’t make it true.

It’s all just conspiracy shit beamed down from the mothership.

If you are in line to indict donald trump, stay in line.

You’re just a puppy masquerading as an old coot.

You are here: Home / Open Threads / Friday Evening Schadenfreude Open Thread: Who’d Be A Trump Lawyer?

Friday Evening Schadenfreude Open Thread: Who’d Be A Trump Lawyer?

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For your start-the-weekend entertainment…

Alexandra Petri, for the Washington Post, remains a national treasure:

LEGAL HELP WANTED

Must be: experienced lawyer!! Can say if things are legal or, if not, how to make them legal! Knows all the laws but isn’t TOO attached to them! If client has exciting new idea that might or might not be in keeping with law, lawyer should at least be OPEN to it and not come across all judgmental!

Must be willing to think outside the box. Should at least be familiar-ish with the laws that are laws FOR NOW but might get repealed soon (Rand Paul is working on it as hard as he can, but he can only do so much)…

Compensation: Doesn’t like money too much! Is motivated to do great work for reasons other than money or being paid promptly! Ideally not obsessed with financial compensation and can find other rewards in the work itself. We will pay you in LOTS and lots of exposure! Ideal position for someone who wants to be on the national stage and is not obsessed with billing hours…

Nice to have: previous dealings with a federal criminal probe!

Other acceptable forms of experience: being on TV on a panel and yelling; being on TV on a panel and maintaining a judicious silence; being on FOX NEWS!!! (OAN acceptable but not preferred); being in real estate; appearing on TV in a commercial with at least a couple of cool sound effects like a gavel going SLAM or a cash register going CHA-CHING; appearing on a big billboard in a good location; having passed the bar; having passed *a* bar; owns several of those big leather-bound books with all the laws in them; has a desk blotter; has lots of fancy pens; has a business card that says LAWYER on it; has business card that on further inspection says LAVVYER on it; once met Mike Lindell; active member in good standing of r/legaladvice or has friend with an account who can ask questions for you…

No-No’s (do not apply if any of these apply to you!!!): if you would describe yourself as a “real big stickler for upholding law” or “gets mad if client ignores legal advice” or “not at least a nine (if female)”; if you say stuff like “instead of repealing all the laws and inciting the public against the people whose job it is to enforce them, maybe you could simply try obeying the laws” (not necessary at this time); or if you’re Rudy Giuliani again.

Reader Interactions

113Comments

  2. 2.

    germy shoemangler

    Why doesn’t he just hire Jenna Ellis?  I mean, she has an Esq. after her name and everything.

  5. 5.

    SpaceUnit

    Maybe they don’t view it as a good career move to defend a Russian agent who stole nuclear secrets and hid them at Casa Bonita.

    I mean, how do you frame that on Linkedin?

  6. 6.

    Carlo Graziani

    Trump expects his lawyers to lie for him. Nobody decent will do that.

    I thought that was a requirement to practice commercial real estate law.

    Did you hear the one about the commercial real estate lawyer who changed his practice to criminal law because he got sick and tired of dealing with the scum of the earth every day of his working life?

  13. 13.

    gene108

    I would say 20-30 years ago, Republican lawyers were much better than Democratic lawyers. Representing a party that at least accepts the outcome of elections, for the most part, probably helped Republican trial lawyers. Plus, the older generation didn’t come up through the Federalist Society wingnut welfare circuit, and actually had to win cases to get noticed.

  16. 16.

    RandomMonster

    Who’s denying him representation? He can get a court-appointed public defender as well as anyone.

  17. 17.

    Ken

    I’m wondering if a good contract attorney could do well out of this. We know he doesn’t read (or perhaps doesn’t understand) contracts — witness the one with the ghostwriter of his book.

    So the attorney says “I’m willing to work for you, here’s the contract for my services.” TFG glances as the hourly rate, figures it looks good, and signs. The attorney waits a day and point out the multiple stipulations he’s already broken — should be easy enough, just include “keep your mouth shut and don’t talk to the press”. Then invoke the penalty clauses.

  18. 18.

    germy shoemangler

    Wow. I’ve been sharing data showing a huge surge in women registering to vote since the 6/24 Dobbs decision. I just started to look at some age and party breakdowns of those new registrants, and the numbers are jaw-dropping.

    — Tom Bonier (@tbonier) August 19, 2022

    Starting in PA, where women have accounted for >56% of new registrants in that time period. Those women new registrants are 62%D to 15% R and 54% are under the age of 25. Compare that to men new registrants at 41% <25 and 43% D, 28% R.

    — Tom Bonier (@tbonier) August 19, 2022

  20. 20.

    Ken

    @germy shoemangler: Lately I have found myself entertaining the thought that some of the Republican gerrymanders may be overwhelmed. Drawing the lines so your party has 54% of the vote in 90% of the districts looks clever until it suddenly doesn’t.

  21. 21.

    Calouste

    I can see why Rudy Giuliani is no longer an option, he never passes a bar, he just goes in and orders a double.

  25. 25.

    NotMax

    Down Florida way,

    A Republican candidate for the House from St. Augustine is banned from Twitter after advocating violence against the federal government.

    Republican Luis Miguel, running against incumbent Rep. Bobby Payne of Palatka in the redrawn House District 20, was suspended from Twitter after a tweet advocating that Floridians should be able to shoot federal agents on sight.

    “Under my plan, all Floridians will be able to shoot FBI, IRS, ATF, and all other federal troops on sight,” Miguel tweeted. “Let freedom ring.”
    [snip]
    Miguel told Florida Politics Friday the suspension, which is “permanent” per a message he got on his Twitter app, “doesn’t affect (him) at all.” He stands by the proposal, which he says is justified because the IRS has been “weaponized by dissident forces.”

    Miguel is still active on Instagram, where the post advocating shooting federal agents is still displayed….
    [snip]
    He also is still on Facebook. The same messages recur there. Source

  26. 26.

    piratedan

    @germy shoemangler:

    is saddened that it takes losing rights to activate FAFO and all of those caught in the wake of repercussions, but if that delivers a House and Senate majority of Dems to get shit done, then so be it.

     

    Just maddening that all of the attempts to get people off their asses to stop this from taking place just didn’t register…. be it the Dems for “crappy messaging”, the media for their “both sides” or just indifference to thinking politics doesn’t “affect them”.

  28. 28.

    JAFD

    Anyway, was checking out the local Salvation Army thrift store earlier today.  If anyone wants an EZ-Pass transponder cover advertising the Trump Taj Mahal casino-resort (now ye Hard Rock c&r), will grab one for you.  Figureout what it’s worth to you, add postage, contribute that amount to one of the blue bars in the right column…

  30. 30.

    dmsilev

    @Ken: As I understand it, that’s basically the strategy Twitter has been following when dealing with Elon Musk.

  31. 31.

    evap

    @Ken:  This is the problem with extreme gerrymandering, where it might be more like 51% GOP.   A small shift in demographics can cause a shift to the other party.

  32. 32.

    eachother

    Actually wanted to be a  train brake person. Got to be an ore wagon break person.  Essential wagon personnel.
    Three rails. Two trains. Lots of music tracks.

  35. 35.

    Omnes Omnibus

    @Ken: ​  That’s the thing with gerrymanders. All those thin majority districts can go kaboom if there is a wave.​

  37. 37.

    Bunter

    @NotMax: I just reported his IG account. Can’t hurt, I mean, Facebook sucks but if enough people report it, maybe he’ll get banned on IG and Facebook/Meta.

  39. 39.

    dmsilev

    Speaking of schadenfreude,

    ‘It’s a rip-off’: GOP spending under fire as Senate hopefuls seek rescue
    “A cash crunch at campaigns and the NRSC set off a panic as GOP candidates emerged from bruising primaries playing catch-up in polls and advertising”

    Republican Senate hopefuls are getting crushed on airwaves across the country while their national campaign fund is pulling ads and running low on cash — leading some campaign advisers to ask where all the money went and todemand an audit of the committee’s finances, according to Republican strategists involved in the discussions.

    Favorite bit:

    But online giving to Republicans, not just the NRSC, sagged earlier this year from what consultants said was a combination of inflation, changes to Facebook advertising policies, concerns about emails caught in spam filters, and complacency with an anticipated Republican wave. Some Republicans also suspect former president Donald Trump’s relentless fundraising pitches and cash hoarding has exhausted the party’s online donor base.

    (emphasis added). You suspect that, huh? I wonder why.

  40. 40.

    RSA

    Black mark on the legal profession, where we’re supposed to believe that everyone deserves zealous representation.

    “Run out and find me a zealot.” /groucho

  43. 43.

    Mike E

    @germy shoemangler: I’m betting that truth bomb has Biden’s face pasted over the security footage a la Fatboy Slim’s video. At this point who’d doubt that Team Turd would stoop so low?

  44. 44.

    delphinium

    @dmsilev:

    Some Republicans also suspect former president Donald Trump’s relentless fundraising pitches and cash hoarding has exhausted the party’s online donor base.

    Gee, ya think? Also funny how the blame goes to Facebook, email spam filters, etc.; but not to them electing shitty candidates.

  45. 45.

    Ken

    @dmsilev: concerns about emails caught in spam filters

    I could swear I saw something about this a couple weeks ago — some Republican group, might have been the RNC, suing an email service because it was classifying most of their fundraising emails as spam.

    Probably the combo of asking for money and ranting about “soCialism”, which as we all know trips the filters.

  47. 47.

    Kropacetic

    @Ken: some Republican group, might have been the RNC, suing as email service because it was classifying most of their fundraising emails as spam.

    To be fair, RNC fundraising emails are delicious pan fried.

  48. 48.

    MisterForkbeard

    @germy shoemangler: Lots of footage of FBI faces for his terrorists to go after, I imagine. And also edited to remove most of the shots of just how much shit Trump had stolen.

  49. 49.

    LeftCoastYankee

    @Ken:

    IIRC it was a (widely ridiculed — including here I think) tweet from Ronna Romney McDaniel, blaming Gmail for marking their fundraising spam as spam.

  50. 50.

    dmsilev

    @Ken: They were (and are) screaming at Google about GMail’s spam filters sending some large fraction of their messages straight to the spam bin.

  52. 52.

    Ken

    @Eunicecycle: Good, now we know how to stop inflation. Just give Ryan everything he wants.

    (This concept brought to you by the deep thinkers who say Biden should pardon TFG so people will stop shooting FBI agents, or Ukraine could end the war by giving Russia what it wants. Curiously large overlap between those groups of deep thinkers.)

  54. 54.

    Ken

    @delphinium: Rand Paul is way too busy trying to get the Espionage Act repealed.

    Bundle it in a package to reverse everything else TFG got through Congress, including all his judicial appointments, and we have a starting point for talks.

  56. 56.

    MazeDancer.

    John Heilman, filling in for Nicolle Wallace, did 20 minutes of scary experts discussing how much the GOP wants Civil War. The FBI is on alert.

    MAGAs are just waiting for instructions.

    But isn’t that the problem? Where do they shoot? FBI Office? Instant annihilation.     .

    If anyone has any ideas of how CivIl War can actually start and be maintained please advise.

    I live on a block with 4 or 5 idiot, Trumpy,, aging white guys who own hunting rifles. They might want to shoot. But it is NY State, they won’t last long. Though they could eliminate me.

    But there are liberals everywhere across America. How would Civil War work? What would be the point? Other than to express anger.

  57. 57.

    MazeDancer.

    In moderation. Is it because I asked how Civ*l W#r might start? Is was a question with some degree of interest in self preservation.

  58. 58.

    gene108

    @Omnes Omnibus:

    That’s the thing with gerrymanders. All those thin majority districts can go kaboom if there is a wave.​

    It’s a temporary setback. A lot of the 2018 Democratic House wins got flipped back in 2020 leaving Dems with a small, but effective, majority.

    Relying on Democratic wave elections to flip and then hold legislative seats isn’t easy.

  61. 61.

    bbleh

    @germy shoemangler: @MisterForkbeard: @Mike E:  Any “release” will be a heavily edited propaganda/fundraising video. Why else would they do it?

    I realize a lot of the cultists are … uh … differently cognitively abled, but the line between “back the blue” and “kill the FBI” seems like a very thin line indeed (hahaha thin line, geddit?)

  63. 63.

    bbleh

    @LeftCoastYankee: I just cannot imagine why that would be a concern for him …

    @dexwood: I think this is like what you see in statistics when two variables are highly correlated and you can’t figure out why until you realize they’re both driven by a third variable.

  66. 66.

    gene108

    @Ken:

    I could swear I saw something about this a couple weeks ago — some Republican group, might have been the RNC, suing an email service because it was classifying most of their fundraising emails as spam.

    From what I’ve read, their digital fundraising team did a really bad job in avoiding email content that triggers spam filters.

    An own goal.

  69. 69.

    Ken

    @dmsilev: I suspect that, whatever excuses they put in their press release, the RNC’s fundraising metrics show a sudden drop on June 24 and continued declines since.

    Enjoy the taste of that bumper, doggies.

  71. 71.

    Kropacetic

    @gene108: Shit, email I want lands in the spam filter. Aren’t “unsolicited fundraising emails” exactly what those filters were designed for?

  80. 80.

    Kropacetic

    @ian: To qualify for a public defender, a person must have an income that is no more than 25% above the poverty line

    Now what if your income is off the books and not so legitimate? Asking for an enemy…

  82. 82.

    CaseyL

    I really don’t care why the RNC is having trouble fundraising: I’m just gleeful that it is having trouble fundraising.

    I incline toward the point of view that Trump’s ceaseless moneygrubbing has had a non-negligible impact.  The MAGAts love Trump, not the RNC.  In a Send-Money contest between the two… there is no contest.  Trump gets it all.

  85. 85.

    MazeDancer.

    @WaterGirl: Thought maybe it was firearm mention? Though could be commas.

    Will try in another thread one day. Because I am genuinely interested in what people think could start and maintain a C*vil War.

  87. 87.

    Ken

    @gene108: Watch it turn out that one or more of the RNC’s digital fundraising team were making a nice side income attaching third party ads to the emails. “We’re sending the next batch Tuesday, I need your ‘cash 4 gold’ copy by Monday.”

  88. 88.

    WaterGirl

    @MazeDancer.: I released it, and then the content was gone, so you must have deleted it just as I was releasing the comment?

    My “double comma” comment was totally a joke, definitely not why it went into moderation.

    I didn’t see anything in your comment that SHOULD have sent it into moderation.

  90. 90.

    Steeplejack

    * DVR Alert *

    Akira Kurosawa’s epic Seven Samurai (1954) is coming up on TCM at 9:45 EDT. “A samurai answers a village’s request for protection after he falls on hard times. The town needs protection from bandits, so the samurai gathers six others to help him teach the people how to defend themselves.”

    And it’s followed at 1:30 EDT by Kurosawa’s High and Low (1963) at 1:30. “An executive on the outs with his company gets in deeper when he pays off kidnappers who have abducted the wrong boy.”

    Both feature the great actor Toshiro Mifune (in widely disparate roles).

  91. 91.

    Geminid

    @gene108: Democrats flipped 40 seats in the 2018 blue wave. In 2020 they held on to 28 of these and lost 12, or 30% of the 40.

    Democrats also lost a 13th seat, Colin Peterson’s in western Minnesota. Petersen was a 30 year veteran who had hung on in a district that turned red years before.

  92. 92.

    Steeplejack

    Echo of the pandemic: Today I received my county car tax bill, and it’s higher than last year—$85.96 vs. $73.30. WTF? Very unusual as the doughty Kia has slid into (I hope) middle age. The bill has been going down steadily over the years.

    The county included an apologetic insert saying that the COVID pandemic had caused used-car values to increase greatly and that the bill reflected a 15% “tax relief”—totaling $98 million for the whole county (Fairfax in Virginia). The K-whip was assessed at 85% of value instead of 100%, which the cynical part of me thinks probably still left the county coming out ahead. . . . Hmm. Quick Google search says used-car prices are up about 30-40% since March 2020.

  93. 93.

    Poe Larity

    When a former President can’t get good legal representation it’s like we’re all stuck in a WordPress lexical parser vortex.

  95. 95.

    Fair Economist

    @Ken:

    Lately I have found myself entertaining the thought that some of the Republican gerrymanders may be overwhelmed. Drawing the lines so your party has 54% of the vote in 90% of the districts looks clever until it suddenly doesn’t.

    The Republican gerrymanders are usually much nastier than that. Generally they aim for at least 58% Republican, and they usually succeed. The TX 2012 gerrymander had like 3 districts between 60% and 40% R.

  96. 96.

    Steeplejack

    The Trump lawyer dogs are hilarious. Great use of that meme.

    And Alexandra Petri is a genius. Consistently hits it out of the park.

  100. 100.

    sdhays

    @delphinium: And “inflation”. Funny how “inflation” hasn’t caused Democratic fundraising to slow down.

    The idea of the “inevitable Republican wave” causing fundraising to slow down is funny. I’m skeptical it’s true, but it’s nice to think that all that annoying lazy “pundit analysis” over the last couple of years had some positive effect.

    It’s interesting that Democrats are running on passing a national law to reinstate Roe v. Wade and Republican fundraising isn’t improving in response.

  102. 102.

    Eolirin

    @gene108: If it lets us pass voting rights legislation, it then becomes more durable. It just needs to be coupled with enough senate seats. Things are looking better on that front anyway.

  104. 104.

    The Lodger

    @MazeDancer.: Is the problem due to the period at the end of your nym? I don’t remember seeing it earlier

    ETA: looks like you all caught it. Mazel tov!

  105. 105.

    Dan B

    @MazeDancer.: I have a feeling that some former military have hatched plans to take over communications and government offices.  The likely outcome is chaos and random violence, not a “clean” or clear victory.  You need a command structure and experienced leaders.  Running a country as large as the USA needs planning and patience.  Plus it needs total secrecy among tens of thousands.

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