Just wanted to thank you all for the kind words, which are not helping AT ALL but at the same time mean everything to me, so thank you. And please spare some thoughts for her husband, who is just completely torn apart. She was the love of his life and I honestly don’t know what to say or do because there is nothing.
I saw this in the kitchen and it made me start crying again:
Tammy had OCD and would get furious me when I would not put things away immediately after using them. I, on the other hand, have a touch of adhd, and had issues with object permanence, so wouldn’t always put things in the right drawers of the kitchen (if they even made it to the drawers). So I had this sign made by a carpenter friend, a play on the What Would Jesus Do, but with Tammy instead of Jesus, and it hangs over the counter in my kitchen.
I miss her so much already. I’ve tried instinctively to call her twice already to tell her how sad I am… about her, because she was the one I shared everything with and there is just this gaping hole where once there was the most perfect person in the world.
Other Other Other John
Might not help right now but I’m going to tell you how sorry I am anyway. I’ve been reading and lurking this site for 20 years, and have a longer relationship with you than I have with some of my closest friends, and I’m torn up on your behalf. You have a big community if you need it.
waspuppet
Crap. I’m really sorry. I got nothing else. Except “sorry” again.
Alison Rose
The pain and sadness you’re feeling, and her family is feeling, are clear signs of what a wonderful person she was and what an impact she had on the world. None of that will disappear so long as her loved ones keep her memory alive, and I hope that in time, those memories will bring more solace and comfort than heartache.
A Good Woman
Just checking in now and saw the original post.
My condolences John. I have a friend like that, thankfully still with us.
Dahlia
I’m so sorry. I envy you having such a wonderful friend in your life and her husband having such a wonderful wife, a true companion. If it helps, please keep sharing your memories of her.
Brachiator
John Cole,
You have often described the people you care about so vividly that they feel as though they are my friends, too.
And your relationship with Tammy reminds me of by best friend, a woman who is happily married with her own family, and who has been my partner in crime since junior high school.
My heart goes out to you and to Tammy’s husband and to everyone who cared about her.
Words are not enough. Take care.
Betty
If only words could ease your anguish, you would get an unlimited amount from this group for whom you have provided so much. Thank you for sharing your sorrow with us.
Raoul Paste
Lots of people are wishing you well tonight
HeleninEire
Oh WOW. That’s remarkable. I have a tattoo that says WWVD. What we Vinny do. He was my brother who died 12 years ago at 45 of pancreatic cancer. He was my best friend and the person who I would call when I needed to be talked down off the ledge. I still miss him every day.
Hang onto the sign, John and refer to it often. It will help you more than you know.
❤
narya
My heart is aching for you . . .
When my sister died, I found that the rhythm of the Jewish mourning rituals matched my own sense of timing (very intense, then a bit less intense, then gradual stepping down of intensity through a year, with a yearly marker after that). (I am not Jewish, but many friends are/were.) I didn’t adopt them or anything, but knowing that there was a set of rituals that were structured around experience, and that guided activity, and that assumed the mourning period was longer than a week, was useful for my own grief process.
geg6
All I can say, John, is that it does get better, hard as that is to believe and as trite as it sounds. It takes time and there will be moments even months later that will take you by surprise and just gut you. I know because it still happens over 20 years later after losing my parents. And even though it’s been almost 7 months since my beloved BIL passed away, my sister and even I still tear up when triggered by certain things. But the good memories and love you shared will be what keeps you from despair however long it takes for you to not feel gutted every time you think of her. Sending lots of virtual hugs to you and to Brian and all who loved Tammy.
KSinMA
I’m so sorry, John.
Tinare
So, so sorry.
MATT
“My favorite poem, my — my favorite poet was Aeschylus,” Robert Kennedy said, “and he once wrote:
Damned as Random
A good friend of mine lost his wife last year, after a long illness, but still he was crushed. His life will never be the same, and never as good. They were truly soulmates and there is nothing you can say that doesn’t sound trite. I’m tearing up thinking about it.
Sincerely sorry for you and her “real” husband
Cheryl from Maryland
Oh, John, this is terrible news. Please, you and Brian be kind to yourselves.
Virginia
I am so very sorry.
Elizabelle
That sign will bring a smile to your face in time, as a wise president counsels, because there are countless good memories of Tammy, and much love.
I know you would not consider repurposing the T for Thurston.
HeleninEire
And here’s some unsolicited advice. Please realize that grief is not linear. You’ll have good days and bad. My mother died 48 years ago and still occasionally I am triggered. Be OK with being happy and also allow yourself a good cry anytime you need one. Even if it’s 48 years from now.
Chat Noir
“Love can mend your life but sometimes love can break your heart.”
— Sting
mvr
Oh Damn! I’m so sorry. We don’t have enough friends anyway, and it is hard to make really good friendships. And of course you value the friend and not just friendship in general so they are irreplaceable. You have explained why Tammy was special and why your relationship was unique and how much it hurts in that way you have of doing such things.
Wish I or someone else could say something that helps. I can only register my genuine regard and concern.
cain
The worst kind of death is the sudden and unexpected death. I can’t imagine how her husband must be feeling. A normal day, and then this tragedy and you don’t even know why.
i
Spanky
No, all the kind words probably don’t help at all right now, but I’m glad to see you posting here. I’m pretty sure you realize there’s a large and mighty group of people at your elbow right now.
Edmund Dantes
Just catching up today. So sorry for your loss. I always remember the stories throughout the years.
I echo everyone above about take time. Know this will be a thing, and there is no set timeline for when you feel normal.
EmbraceYourInnerCrone
It sounds simplistic, but for her husband, try to just be there. He may want to talk or he may not but sometimes it is a comfort just to have another person who loved her around. The “official” things that a person or family has to do after the death of a loved one are exhausted. And possibly, making sure Brian eats something and rests even if sleep is impossible may help you to do the same. He may want help or a friendly ear when making arrangements and figuring out what to do, what she would have wanted as far as services/memorials etc. There is so much to arrange and it has to be done when your brain has completely stopped processing that this is your reality now. People never know what to say so sometimes they don’t talk to the person who lost their partner, except sometimes what that person needs is to talk, share memories, laugh at stupid shit you did together.
And her pups have to be taken care of no matter what else is going on, they may also be upset, confused or depressed…
At my sister in laws funeral (hubs youngest sister) some kind soul left a huge bucket of fried chicken and all the fixings in the room reserved for the family to retreat to. I always appreciated that.
I wish I could say something that would help…
KBS
What devastating news! I know there’s nothing anyone can say that will make it hurt less, but I hope sharing your stories brings back good memories. Hoping for peace and strength for everyone she left behind.
wmd
Focus on you pets as much as possible. They are excellent doctors for a bereaved heart.
BlueGuitarist
Curtis Mayfield, Keep on Keeping On:
https://youtu.be/t-l91O9VxN0
Shana
Oh John I’m so sorry to hear this. I read the post below and the way you talk about Tammy is so lovely. Echoing what others have said, be kind and forgiving to yourselves and don’t worry about the processes. May her memory become a blessing to you both.
JPL
Gotta say that you have thousands of people that love you and wish we could give you a big hug and a shoulder to cry on.
All we can do is say we are here for you.
Spanish Moss
The tributes and memories that you are sharing are so moving, she was very special. I am so sorry.
Quinerly
Catching up. Mostly lurk now from time to time. Just saw this. I am so, so sorry. Don’t know what to say.
Jackie
John, our focus has been on you, but please give my condolences to Brian! He needs all the love from you and your family that you can muster. Tammy was your best friend and sister; Tammy was his soulmate and his life.
It’s so hard for everyone who loved her.
Tom Levenson
Nothing helps until something does. I know that sounds Hallmark-y, and I wince typing it. I remember being angry at the beautiful sunrise I could see through the hospital window in the last hours of my mom’s life–how dare the world be beautiful when it so clearly wasn’t; how dare it not weep with me. After quite a long time I got less angry with it.
Which is why I say again I’m so sorry for your loss. And for her husband, who I’ll likely never meet, but is someone to care about because I and we care about you, and you brought him to us.
Just, damn. We’ll be here as you ride this one out.
The Moar You Know
Totally laughed, because I absolutely get it. What possibly could? Nothing. But the fact that people give a shit enough to say the kind words is a totally different sort of comfort
My dad, who is the most uncomfortable person on the planet as regards emotions, said something to me that was both very unexpected for being well, understanding of emotion and being dead on right after I lost my last dog. He said “there’s going to be a dark scar on your heart that will never go away, but you’ll get used to carrying it around. It’s a reminder of just what you lost”.
Dad is very right sometimes.
Albatrossity
From the poem Night Sky, by Joanna Klink
If you have grieved you have loved. Twinned,
like the sun’s thread-corona, the moon’s deepening
pearl.
Take care.
CaseyL
The tiny everyday things can really gut us. There are so many, and most of them are mundane, which means we can be going about our daily routine and suddenly anything – a word on TV, or a certain scent, or (like in this case) a wall hanging – will rip us apart with pain.
I think that is why the whole first year after a death is agony: each month, each season, is a chance for a random bit of remembrance to kick the shit out of you.
Bobby Kennedy, in a campaign speech to a black audience that became something else entirely because it was the night after Martin Luther King Jr’s death, reflecting on the death of his brother, quoted Aeschylus, and I always think of RFK and this quote when confronting horrible loss: “In our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God.”
Edith
I am so sorry John. She was so young. I remember your stories over the years, and I couldn’t even process the headline when I saw it. Heartbroken for you and Brian.
Geo Wilcox
The one thing that helped me with the death of my very close friend (since grade school, now 64 years old) was writing down everything that made her so unique and so special to me. I also did that with my heart dog back when I lost her in January. Helped me ease my grief over losing her as well.
That said, I am so sorry for everyone who loved her. Losing someone like that so young is just devastating.
Matt Smith
I saw someone posted about the Jewish mourning schedule. At this stage of your process, friends would be showing up with food, so you don’t have to worry about feeding yourself. You’re not supposed to worry about anything right now. Just grieving and getting through it.
I imagine you surrounded with food right now, representing all the support everyone’s wishing you from near and far.
Miss Bianca
@Elizabelle: Wasn’t Tammy involved in the adoption/foster fail that resulted in Thurston, Lovey, and their mom Ginger? I seem to recall she was very involved in the JC rescues process.
zhena gogolia
I feel so bad for you. It is truly terrible.
HinTN
What Tom and everybody else said.
Don’t be a stranger!
lurker
that is just gutting … i did not know her but had seen some of your stories and mentions over the years, and i just have no words, and it seems like that is where you are as well. Hope you hang in there, and find healthy ways to cope. sending thoughts and prayers for what it’s worth.
la caterina
Oh, Cole, I’m so sorry you lost your friend. What an important person she was to you. It will take a long time for the pain to ease. We’re here for you.
Manyakitty
Some days nearly are too heavy to bear. Remember that you are not alone. Sending peace and love to you, Brian, and your families.
Amalthea1
De-lurking to also give my condolences. I almost started crying at work while reading John’s beautiful tribute earlier. December 3rd marked the 12th anniversary of my brother’s sudden death; he was my best friend (although I didn’t put in those words until after he was gone because he was just, you know, my brother). I don’t think I could have written anything so lovely right afterwards. I don’t even know that I could now, all these years later. I hope, and think, that the strength that allowed you to memorialize your friend will be a help. And us jackals, even the ones like me who hide in the shadows and post once or twice a decade, will be thinking of you and holding you in the light and sending you love.
JeanneT
I can think of no words to comfort, but we are grieving here with you, John. Such a heartbreaking loss to you and all who loved her.
Hitchhiker
Of course it doesn’t help, but fuck it, we’re all here for you anyway.
You should know that, for some of us, your words about having that kind of friend are the only reason to believe it’s even possible.
I’m so sorry.
PapDad (and TadoDad)
Sometimes it just makes you feel good to listen to someone talk about someone that’s very special to them. It always felt this way to read you talking about Tammy. The other side of the coin is that it feels just awful hear about you losing this person, even if I never knew them. I only delurk occasionally, but please know there are a lot of us out here feeling bad with you tonight. Please take care of yourself.
M31
that hurts so bad, so sorry about your friend, what a shock
Denali
Oh John,
I am so very sorry.
Windpond
‘Every life is noted and is cherished. Nothing loved is ever lost or perished.’ -Madeleine L’Engle, A Ring of Endless Light.
Platonicspoof
Very sorry for your great loss, John.
I can feel some of your pain, since my kind and generous neighbor of thirty plus years passed away rather suddenly last week. In all that time I never heard a harsh word from her or her husband, who died several years ago.
Treasure every moment and thanks for all the good you and BJ do.
zhena gogolia
@Platonicspoof: Today I got a note from something called “Kitten Rescue,” on the other side of the country, thanking me for a contribution. I said, “I’m not sure what this is.” My husband said, “Balloon Juice.” Sure enough, I had responded to some kind of appeal via BJ back in October and promptly forgotten about it.
Platonicspoof
@zhena gogolia:
I think of the BJ community as being as kind and generous as my neighbor.
buggrit
John, I’m so sorry. This is awful. Please give Brian best wishes from an internet rando.
MisterDancer
You’ve had a rough year by any account, John. I know you’re grieving as well as you can, and I hope that it is as healing as possible, under the circumstances.
CCL
John, sorry , so so very sorry. There simply are no words that will help. Wishing you solace.
Juju
I never met Tammy but I knew she loved her family, she loved her dogs and she was one of your dearest friends. That’s all I needed to know that she was a wonderful person. I am so sorry for her family and you and your family. I know from my personal experience that things don’t get better as much as you learn to cope with the situation. I guess things just get different. It is true as the President says, that someday thoughts of Tammy will bring a smile to your face rather than a tear to your eye, but that takes time. Take care of yourself as best you can. Grieving a loss like that is hard. I will be thinking of you and your families.
prostratedragon
John, so saddened to hear of your loss. My condolences to you, to Brian, and the rest of your families and friends.
Sister Golden Bear
Hugs, if hugs are OK, John. I know you’re in the “paint it black” phase, and there’s nothing really you can say to Brian that will make it better (for either of you). Just try to be there for him — and know that we’re here for you well.
If I could, I’d be FedExing you a casserole right now. Again, I’m so sorry.
VOR
It’s going to keep hurting. But eventually the gaps between the times it is unbearable get longer. It doesn’t hurt less, just less often.
It’s been years since my wife died and I can still be brought to tears by odd things. Once completing a project I didn’t do for her sent me to bed for the rest of the day – just couldn’t cope.
And anyone who tells you to stop grieving can get stuffed. It takes it’s own time, there is no law that you have to stop grieving in a set time period.
Put all those meals in the fridge. Invite people over to eat them with you. Tell people you have enough food, but could really use someone to just sit with you, maybe watch TV or play cards. Or pet Steve, I’m sure he would appreciate it.
different-church-lady
John, I’m so sorry to hear this. All the strength in the world to you, my virtual-brother.
Mai Naem mobile
John, I’m sorry for your and Brian’s loss. This would have been difficult no matter how old she was but 43 is just way way too young. You’ve had a rough couple of weeks with Lily and now Tammy. I don’t have much to add except that I have a feeling Brian will need your friendship more than ever after the initial phase when one is kept so busy with the administrative duties of death in addition to the shock of it all.
delphinium
So sorry again for your loss. Please take all the time to grieve and as others have stated, know that there will be many moments when it unexpectedly hits you. But in time, may more of those moments bring you wonderful thoughts of Tammy rather than tears.
My sister lived on the opposite coast as me and whenever I was out and about on walks, would often text her about a beautiful flower, cool artwork, or a funny sign I’d seen. That was 1 of the ways we would keep in touch on a regular basis. She passed away from cancer last year at 48 years old and every once in awhile I still find myself reaching for my phone to send her a photo or text. So don’t be surprised if you find yourself trying to call Tammy or doing other things that were a part of your life together.
Skepticat
This was an incredible gut punch, as you made her so real to us that we all felt we knew her well. You’ll never be in the same room with her again, but she’ll never leave you. Nor will we.
p.a.
So sorry for your loss, and her husband’s. Time heals will be some consolation, but not now
Lost a good friend yesterday as well, but it wasn’t sudden. Had the opportunity to say farewell. Fuck cancer.
The Thin Black Duke
My Mom died last July. Her number is still on my phone.
Kelly
Deepest sympathy for your loss. My father died abruptly at the age of 58. I don’t have a sign but this fall my brother and I were helping an old friend rebuild after the Beachie fire. He thanked us for our work and I replied “Dad would have been here helping and insisted we pitch in”. The old friend nodded and said “Yes, he certainly would”.
brantl
Fuck, that sucks. Hang in there, buddy.
MagdaInBlack
25 years ago, at the age of 40, my husband/best friend/love of my life, suffered a cerebral hemorrhage and was gone, poof, just that fast. What I needed most was someone with whom it was safe to take off the armor and just be broken for awhile. I sincerely hope you and her husband have that, and maybe, can be that for each other. It’s such a weird and confusing time, John, and I’m thinking of you both.
Emma from Florida
John, I missed the early posting but just wanted to say how sorry I am for you and Tammy’s family. It breaks me when young people die. It seems like such a terrible loss. May her memory be a blessing.
Capri
I’m not a Swifty by any means, but her song “Bigger Than The Whole Sky” captures grief better than anything else I have ever heard. So very sorry for your loss.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8Tps3PITx4
Citizen_X
I missed the horrible news earlier today. So sorry, John! She was way too young to go.
Louise B.
So sorry, John.
MomSense
There are no good words for this pain. We are all with you and will be here to support you.
something fabulous
Oh John, please add one other person who has never met you, sitting by you in your sorrow. I am so sorry for your loss, and for all who knew your amazing Tammy– which I suppose is all of us, in how you shared her stories over the years, and how fun it was when she would pop in, in the comments, to correct you :).
Wishing you all the kindness and patience possible, as you begin to go through this loss.
Chief Oshkosh
John, I’m so very sorry to hear this.
Jim Appleton
Reposted from below, the love you had is why I’m here. Peace and strength.
Hoodie
Just reading this, so sorry for your loss. Was going through our holiday card mailing list yesterday, saddened by the names we’ve had to cross off. They were all elderly, I can’t imagine the sadness of losing someone so young.
Jobeth
I’m so sorry to read this news. I wish you comfort and peace as you grieve your loss.
EarthWindFire
I married a widower. His wife also died suddenly. From him, I learned that memories never go away but they eventually stop hurting.
For now, you and Brian need each other. And, please, let your families take care of you. They want to.
Lobo
Tell her husband that we might not be helping at at , but have him in our hearts and hope that means everything to him.
owlbrick
So sorry for your loss, and for her husband. When my brother in law died unexpectedly at age 41, my sister took quite a while to even know which way was up again. I hope the best for you and your friends and your family, and that you can find peace and joy in her remembrance.
Anotherlurker
I am so sorry, John.
OzarkHillbilly
John, for years after Peggy’s death, I would send her letters/post cards. Filled with the things I wanted to tell her about my latest doings. I would address them to Peggy P, where ever she may wander, and post them. No return address. I’m not going to say it made me feel any better, but there was a small part of me that felt I was still talking to her and that alone was worth the while.
Rileys Enabler
Still shocked from your original post, and so sad reading all your words about your bestie and everyone who has a Tammy shaped hole in their hearts now.
I’m so very sorry for you all. Sorry for the loss of such a lovely lady. I hope that the pain eases over time, and the memories of all the things you shared become even better.
Heartbreaking. I’m sorry.
Antonius
I’ve been thinking about you all day John. I can only imagine how isolating this is for you. I know nothing I’ll say will really help, but just a reminder of all the people who are feeling your loss.
OzarkHillbilly
@The Thin Black Duke: My mother died in ’06, my father in ’10. Their phone number is still on my phone. Always will be.
BenCisco 🇺🇸🎖️🖥️♦️
I’m sorry John. For the loss, for the pain now, and for the pain to come.
You will heal, if not fully. You will remember; for a while the remembrance will bring pain first. After a time, remembrance will touch on the good times first.
I hope your path from the one to the other will be brief.
In the meantime, you are among friends here. Those of us who have been through it, and those that helped us through it.
Other MJS
Devastated lurker here. So deeply sorry, John. Blessings on the jackals providing words I cannot.
pieceofpeace
I’m very sorry, John. Tammy sounds like a fun, wonderful, good, and loving woman; didn’t know her, those images in my mind were from words you wrote.
DEBG
So very sorry for your loss, and Tammy’s husband’s loss. You’ve been hit hard recently. Stay strong and remember that you’re not alone in your grief.
dp
OMG Cole, I missed this completely. So, so sorry for your loss. It truly sucks to lose someone who reminds you how wonderful people other than yourself are. Hang in there, man.
La Nonna
I just saw the post this morning, so very sorry John, may her memory be a blessing to you. What a wonderful person Tammy was.
Debbie(Aussie)
Again, all I can say is sorry❣️ A loss like this is something you get through not over. Love from down under, to you and Brian.
Betsy
For a heart that is hurting, I wish you peace. For all the broken hearts left behind, comfort and peace.
Sourmash
Oh John. I’m so sorry. Tammy was our friend, too. Thank you for sharing her with us. Love to you…
LauraToo
John, I am so sorry. There are no words. I try to live every day so the people around me know that I love them. It really seems that Tammy knew she was loved. I hope you can find peace in that. Take care of yourself and be as gentle as possible.
daveX99
LOVE
It’s why you’re hurting, and it will heal you, too.