Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

How any woman could possibly vote for this smug smarmy piece of misogynistic crap is beyond understanding.

But frankly mr. cole, I’ll be happier when you get back to telling us to go fuck ourselves.

Everything is totally normal and fine!!!

Beware of advice from anyone for whom Democrats are “they” and not “we.”

We still have time to mess this up!

Sadly, media malpractice has become standard practice.

When you’re a Republican, they let you do it.

‘Museums aren’t America’s attic for its racist shit.’

Our job is not to persuade republicans but to defeat them.

Republican obstruction dressed up as bipartisanship. Again.

“Until such time as the world ends, we will act as though it intends to spin on.”

Everyone is in a bubble, but some bubbles model reality far better than others!

I might just take the rest of the day off and do even more nothing than usual.

Is it negotiation when the other party actually wants to shoot the hostage?

Someone should tell Republicans that violence is the last refuge of the incompetent, or possibly the first.

The fight for our country is always worth it. ~Kamala Harris

Pelosi: “He either is stupid, or he thinks the rest of us are.” Why not both?

Lick the third rail, it tastes like chocolate!

He seems like a smart guy, but JFC, what a dick!

Dear Washington Post, you are the darkness now.

with the Kraken taking a plea, the Cheese stands alone.

New McCarthy, same old McCarthyism.

There are consequences to being an arrogant, sullen prick.

Jesus, Mary, & Joseph how is that election even close?

You are here: Home / Absent Friends / RIP / RIP, Tammy Whitacre

RIP, Tammy Whitacre

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RIP, Tammy Whitacre 1

Tammy Whitacre (Patterson) died this morning. Her husband went to the bathroom early in the morning, and found her slumped over in a chair in the office. That is all we know.

Tammy was my best friend, my soulmate, my surrogate wife, the best dog mom to ever exist, and one of the greatest people I have ever known. We met in the late 90’s and became friends almost immediately- I even introduced her to her eventual husband. I foolishly divorced her before we ever even dated when I discovered she liked Miracle Whip- “That’s it, I want a divorce!” (and that became a running joke from the past 25 years).

RIP, Tammy Whitacre 2

She was there for me for everything, the kindest, sweetest, most loyal friend. She was the first person I called when I was having anxiety attacks when I thought I was having a heart attack and needed to go to the hospital, she was the first person I called from the hospital when I broke my shoulder, she was the first person I told anything important and the first person I called when anything bad happened. We talked and texted multiple times every day, and maybe only a handful of times over the past fifteen years did either of us go to bed without talking or texting good night.

Tammy was both whip smart and the biggest goofball you would ever meet. She had what she referred to as “blonde moments,” and I remember thousands of goofy conversations like this:

Tammy- “Don’t forget to de-thaw the meat.”

Me- “You mean freeze it?”

Tammy- “It’s already frozen, why would I want you to freeze it, de-thaw it.”

Me- “You mean thaw it.”

Tammy- “Shut up Cole.”

There are so many funny stories we shared, and I am gutted there will not be more.

RIP, Tammy Whitacre 3

A lot of people thought it was weird that we were so close even though she was married, but if you knew us, it made complete sense. It was nothing for her to come spend a week here in the summer while her husband was off for work or having a guy’s weekend or something like that, and we would do all sorts of fun things. We canned, and watched movies, and cooked, and went on day trips, and basically anything we wanted. She was just fun to be around. One look at her smiling and even the worst day became a good one.

Tammy became part of the larger Cole family. Mom and dad just adored her, and she was the third sister. We even joked that when we ranked the kids as to who the favorites were, it was Seth and then Tammy at the top, and the rest of us fighting for the bronze. When I bought gifts, I would buy three necklaces or three bracelets that all were similar, and give them all to the sisters so they could match. She just fit right in with the family.

RIP, Tammy Whitacre 4

I’m just devastated and feel like a part of me was ripped away and do not know how I will recover from this, if ever. And her poor husband, Brian, who called me this morning, just in pieces.

RIP, Tammy Whitacre 5

I was supposed to die before her. She was only 43.

Rest in piece, Tammy, my best friend. I will love you forever.

Reader Interactions

340Comments

  2. 2.

    Spider-Dan

    Sorry for your loss, John.  It’s never good to hear of a loved one passing, but even worse when they go so young.  One of my best friends from childhood passed last Christmas at age 42.

  5. 5.

    Rileys Enabler

    Oh my God, John. I’m so extremely sorry. This is a huge shock. I’m sorry. For you, for you all. Damn.

  6. 6.

    Soonergrunt

    John,

    This is an absolutely beautiful tribute to Tammy.

    I know that nothing I ever say will make this not suck, but please know that my heart is broken for you.

  9. 9.

    White & Gold Purgatorian

    Dear John, I am so sorry for you and for Tammy’s family. Losing a friend is devastating. Take care of yourself during this difficult time.

  17. 17.

    AndyG

    I’m so sorry, John. Seeing her mentioned in your posts from time to time over the years was always lovely, as you made it clear what a sweet and special person she was. May her memory be a blessing for you and your family.

  19. 19.

    VOR

    I’m very sorry and offer my condolences. I’m a widower so I’m going to give you and Tammy’s husband some advice.

    Be very gentle with yourselves. Act as if you were recovering from a serious physical wound. If anyone offers to do something for you, like bring you a meal, take them up on the offer.

    I was a wreck when my wife died. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t taste food for weeks and lost a solid 20 pounds. I nearly cut off my thumb while cooking. People would ask about my plans for the weekend and I simply couldn’t think ahead 3 days. Everything was a fog. Grief is a serious thing and should not be taken lightly. And it has it’s own inconvenient timetable.

    There are a lot of people who care about you, both in the real world and on this blog. We want the best for you.

  20. 20.

    David Hunt

    Man, I wish I had some magic words that made things even a little better. My sincere condolences, man.

  21. 21.

    RaflW

    Good Lord, John. This is just devastating news. I’m so sorry for you, for your whole family who clearly wrap her in with you all, and for Brian.

    My heartfelt condolences and sympathies.

  22. 22.

    Emperor Lew

    Long time lurker, but this is worth a de-lurk.

    I am so terribly sorry for your (and Brian’s) loss.  I wish you my most heartfelt condolences and will send as many good thoughts into the universe on everyone’s behalf.

    I lost my best friend 30 years ago.  I still think of him all the time, but the hurt does get better.

    I know I’m just a random lurker, but please accept my very heartfelt condolences.  I wish I had some actual wisdom to impart.  Just know that someone else out there is rooting for you.

     

    Mike L.

  26. 26.

    Juliet

    I’m so sorry. You have written about her and your friendship over the years and your closeness was always so nice to hear about. Please take care of yourself.

  29. 29.

    Zzyzx

    I am so sorry for your loss. And, no, I don’t think “it was weird that we were so close even though she was married.” I’m close to some married women. Opposite sex friendships are a good thing.

  30. 30.

    Brachiator

    I am so sorry.

    I thank you so much for sharing how important Tammy was to you and to all who treasured her.

    My deepest condolences.

  33. 33.

    Aimai

    John I’m just devastated for you, Brian, and your whole family. What a priceless friendship you have described. What a glowing, beautiful, vibrant person she must have been. I’m so, so, sorry. Thank you for sharing that beautiful tribute to her with us. It is just a tragic loss. —Aimai.

  35. 35.

    Argiope

    This is just devastating and I didn’t even know Tammy.  43 is much too soon.  I’ve read so many posts from you about what you and Tammy did together, just the simple joys of living and having a great companion and buddy to do them with.  My deepest condolences to Brian, to you and the whole Cole tribe.  Holding you all in whatever Light this universe provides, however we each name it.

  38. 38.

    Tom Levenson

    I am so sorry for your loss, and for all of Tammy’s dear ones in the boat with you.

    I tried to write the next sentence about three times, but I got nothing. Someone so young and so rich a presence in the lives of those around her shouldn’t go. I’m just really sorry.

  39. 39.

    karen marie

    Devastating. Sending you, Tammy’s husband Brian, and all who held her close in life, my most sincere sympathies.

  40. 40.

    stacib

    My heartfelt condolences.  My brother died unexpectedly in August of 2020, and I was broken for months.  My wish for you is that the pieces start to come back together sooner rather than later.

  41. 41.

    Barbara

    I am so sorry.  It comes through so clearly in your lovely tribute that she loved and was loved.  What a tragedy for all who knew and loved her.

  47. 47.

    JanieM

    Oh John…. You have me in tears. I am so sorry for you and everyone who knew Tammy.

    Also, your post is a beautiful tribute to friendship. Thank you for that.

  48. 48.

    Ida Slapter

    I’m so sorry for you, John, and for Tammy’s family. What a terrible shock.

    It’s always been obvious how much you loved her and how happy she made you. What a beautiful tribute to a wonderful, loving friend.

  50. 50.

    Elizabelle

    I am so sorry, John.  All one can say at this time is that it was a pleasure and a gift to have had such a wonderful person in your life.  And she will be irreplaceable, and never forgotten.

    You and her other friends and loved ones are in my thoughts.  Terrible loss.

  51. 51.

    Sis

    What horrible news. I am so sorry, and you, Tammy’s husband and family, and everyone who loved her have my deepest sympathy.

  53. 53.

    trollhattan

    Gutted to read this John, and I feel so sorry for you, her husband, your family and everyone she touched so deeply. The world is a better place with people like Tammy and we all are lessened with her loss.

  56. 56.

    Mandarama

    Oh, dear John, such shocking and awful news. I’m so sorry! What an amazing, beautiful friend— I feel like we have gotten so many great glimpses of Tammy over the years. Sending so much sympathy and love towards you, Brian, and everyone else lucky to know such a person.

  58. 58.

    Enhanced Voting Techniques

    No real works for this, beyond I am sorry for the loss of your friend John.  The worst is when the young die.

  59. 59.

    Sure Lurkalot

    So sorry for Tammy’s loved ones, you, John and your family. From your in memoriam, it seems she was a person that almost anyone and everyone could call friend. We are so lucky when such lights touch our lives and (we all know) devastated when they go out.

  60. 60.

    RedDirtGirl

    Dear John, I am so sorry. What an awful blow for you and Tammy’s family. Holding you all in the light.

  61. 61.

    Chat Noir

    Wow, I’m so sorry for your loss, John. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through losing your best friend. Take care of yourself.

  63. 63.

    Bard the Grim

    Can’t add to what others have already said better, but know that we all have you, Tammy, and her family in our hearts.

  66. 66.

    CaseyL

    Oh, John, I am so sorry! What a devastating loss.  Any friend is precious; and the ones who are our go-to’s, our touchstones and anchors, are more than treasures.  They’re tentpoles of our identities.

    I mourn with you, and Brian, and all who loved Tammy.

  68. 68.

    Betty Cracker

    Holy hell, John, what a terrible loss — I’m so sorry! Your affection for Tammy came through in posts over the years, and the tribute to her you’ve posted here now gives us a sense of what a special person she was. I don’t know how you or Brian or Tammy’s other loved ones move past something inexplicable and awful like this, but please make sure you keep VOR’s advice at #19 in mind.

    I’m recalling a line from a film or TV show I once saw — can’t remember which one, but the gist of the line stuck with me because it’s true: grief is love persisting. So, allow yourself to feel that sorrow, and know that it won’t ever completely go away because love doesn’t go away, but it will hurt less with time. Take care, my friend.

  69. 69.

    pika

    I am so very sorry, John. That you found such a beautiful way amid shock and grief to offer us a glimpse of the bright star she was to you all tells us everything about her that we should know–thank you, John. All such losses are terrible–the sudden ones have their own terrible, terrible depth

  72. 72.

    Ghost of Joe Liebling’s Dog

    Oh, god, John – how awful.  I’m so sorry.

    (I lost my closest friend when she was still in her 30s, long ago.  It gets easier, but it doesn’t go away; I still run across things all the time that I’d normally talk over with her, and realizing that I can’t … damn.)

    I’m so sorry.

  73. 73.

    Nicole

    John, I’m so, so sorry and so gutted for you. I absolutely loved every time Tammy was mentioned in one of your posts; through your eyes and your words she always came across as someone who carried sunshine with her wherever she went.  Sending you and her husband so much sympathy.

  74. 74.

    terraformer

    so incredibly sorry for the loss of your good friend, John

    I enjoyed seeing posts that included her, for as you wrote, you two were joined at the hip – always doing neat and fun things

    she was clearly a very good person, and this world needs a bunch more like her

  76. 76.

    patrick II

    Losing a long-time lady friend is especially painful.  There is a sweetness added to the friendship that isn’t there with guys.  I am sorry for your loss.

  78. 78.

    Lobo

    Hang in there buddy.  Life can be cruel, but also beautiful.   You had a beautiful spirit in your life for too short of a time.   So young, the cruel part.   I always remember that what Andrew Garfield said about loss, grief is unexpressed love.

    It seems there was a lot of love there.  It will be missed and treasured.

  80. 80.

    narya

    Oh John, I’m so sorry. I am holding you in the (non-religious) light. That is so brutally hard. She will always be with you.

  81. 81.

    Bumper

    What a devastating loss.  I’m so sorry.  My sympathies for you, your family, and her husband in this time of grief.

  82. 82.

    Sorryforlaughing

    John, I’m so sorry for your and Brian’s loss. May her memory be a blessing. VOR’s advice about grieving is spot on. I wish there was anything more to say.

  85. 85.

    geg6

    Oh wow, John.  Terrible news.  I’m so sorry to hear this.  I remember so many posts you had where you talked about great times with Tammy.  My deepest sympathies to you and to Brian.

  86. 86.

    Ash Can

    Oh, this is just too horrible. First the heartbreaking loss of sweet Lily, and now this. What a shocking and devastating loss. May friends and family be a source of comfort and support to you and to all of Tammy’s loved ones through this terrible ordeal.

  87. 87.

    Dangerman

    43. Far too young. I’m so sorry.

    I looked up a former Yoga instructor a couple days ago only to learn he passed at 49. He also did the spinning class to thrash metal along with the mellow yoga music. Coolest Dude ever.

    Only the good die young … sadly.

  88. 88.

    MisterForkbeard

    Oh no! This is awful. We’ve been hearing stories here about Tammy for a decade+ now, and she’s always seemed like such a wonderful person.

    I know it doesn’t help right now, but we’re all thinking of you and Brian, and of the good times you both had with Tammy. I wish there was more we could do.

  90. 90.

    JAFD

    Dear Mr. Cole,

    My sorrow and sympathy are with you, and with Tammy’s family and friends.  May her memory be a blessing.

    (This feels really inadequate.  My nearest community is spread around the world, and ‘known’ only by letters and pxels on a screen.  The wires and fibers can’t carry grief and loss like this, only words that fail.  No more can I do now.)

  92. 92.

    suzanne

    John and Brian…. I am so, so sorry. I wish much peace and comfort to you both. Please know that there are loved ones — and strangers from the internet — holding you in their hearts and wishing you the best.

  93. 93.

    Sarah W

    This is so heart wrenching. I’ve read about her here over the years, and loved your connection. Sending you my deepest condolences.

  95. 95.

    TaMara

    Oh this is awful news. I am so sorry, John. She was like one of the family here, too. Hugs to you big guy. I don’t have words that can help beyond that. Love you.

  96. 96.

    Madeleine

    I am so sorry, John. Whenever you have mentioned Tammy, you have spoken with such joy. Please accept my sympathy at this terrible loss.

  99. 99.

    ETtheLibrarian

    I am so sorry about this John Cole. I don’t have any great words of wisdom but I am glad you had her in your life.

  101. 101.

    MelissaM

    I’m so sorry, Cole. She sounds like a great person and I’m sorry I didn’t know her personally. All kind thoughts to her husband and to you.

  102. 102.

    lowtechcyclist

    So sorry to hear this sad news.  It’s incredibly hard to lose someone so close.  May you find peace.

  103. 103.

    Jackie

    John, I’m so sorry.

    There is nothing more heartbreaking and devastating than to lose someone you love. Especially when they are young and so unexpectedly.
    Nothing.

  104. 104.

    SNCO

    I read (i.e. I lurk) rather than comment.  But for this; a comment.   I am sorry, John.  And strength and comfort to all who loved Tammy.   May she rest in peace.

  106. 106.

    Rob

    Delurking for a minute.

    I’m so so sorry for your loss, John. I was tearing up reading your post. My sympathies for you, your family, and her family.

  107. 107.

    RoonieRoo

    John I wish I had words that were worth this devastating moment.  I am so deeply sorry for your loss.

  108. 108.

    DarbysMom

    John and Brian ~ My heartfelt condolences to you both. Such a ridiculously senseless loss.

  109. 109.

    Eljai

    I don’t know what to say it’s such a shock.  I always enjoyed your stories about your friendship with Tammy.  What a gift to have had her in your life and what a deep unspeakable loss.  I hold you and Tammy’s family in my thoughts.

  111. 111.

    The Moar You Know

    @VOR: that’s some damn good advice and I will try to keep it in mind.  Thanks for posting that.

    John:  words fail here.  Sorry is inadequate.  Try and take care of yourself.

  113. 113.

    Leo

    So sorry John.  This is devastating.

    I lost my best friend Hans 17 years ago.  I still remember feeling numb for days.  But he never went away, not a week goes by that I don’t think of him in some way.

    May Tammy be always in your heart, and in the hearts of the family she left behind.

  114. 114.

    grandmaBear

    I am so sorry. What shocking news, to lose someone so close, so alive, so young. May you all eventually find joy in your memories of her.

  115. 115.

    Shalimar

    Condolences.  This is devastating.  You will always have your great memories, though it’s terrible there won’t be decades more of them

    edit: maybe pin this post to the top for a few days?  I know there are thousands of people here who share your pain.

  118. 118.

    Sister Machine Gun of Quiet Harmony

    My heart aches for you. Please take care of yourself and watch the temptation to engage in old, destructive habits. Stuff like this always makes it harder, because that kind of pain is hard to bear. If you break down, forgive yourself and try harder the next day. She would want the best for yout.

  123. 123.

    Ohio Mom

    Damnit. What terrible news, what an awful loss. So, so sorry for you, John Cole.

    I’ve lost people to long illnesses and suddenly, and suddenly has its own extra wallop. You and Brian have to be careful to be extra kind to yourselves, cut yourselves lots of extra slack. You’ll make it through but it will be a while.

    Holding you in the light.

  124. 124.

    Jimmm

    Oh Cole…  I am so sorry.  She lives on through your memories, and through every one of those stories.

  126. 126.

    Almost Retired

    So sorry to hear this. The loss of a long-time friend is devastating, especially one who has been promoted to family. My sympathy and best wishes to all who loved her, including the four-legged members of her tribe.

  127. 127.

    Soprano2

    I’m so, so sorry for your loss John, it sounds like you two had a special bond that few people have a chance to have.  Death at 43 is so, so hard to take.  VOR has some good advice for you up there. After my sister died there were days when I had to think about just getting through the next hour, and then the next hour, and then the next one. Please make sure to take care of yourself as much as you can, and if people offer to help you, LET THEM, it helps them too. Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it – many people want to help you, but they have no idea how to do it and are afraid they’ll say or do something wrong, so they just hold back. I found I had to approach people if I wanted something, and they were always glad to help out when I asked.

  128. 128.

    Faithful Lurker

    John, I can only add to all the others. I’m so sorry for the loss of Tammy. I know how important she is to you and your family. All your friends here are grieving with you.

  130. 130.

    locanicole

    Someday, in the future, you’ll be able to enjoy memories of Tammy; it sounds like there are so many.  How lucky you all were to have so much Love.  This really sucks, I’m sorry Cole.

  133. 133.

    Heidi Mom

    I’m so sorry for your loss, John.  You wrote a beautiful tribute to a beautiful person.

  134. 134.

    DaBunny

    Oh hell. I’m so sorry for your loss and that of all who knew her. May her memory be a blessing.

  135. 135.

    MomSense

    I am so sorry John. This is heartbreaking and so incredibly unfair and horrible.  Sending you and everyone who loved  Tammy my heartfelt sympathy.

  139. 139.

    Leslie

    John, I’m so sorry. What a terrible loss. Holding you and everyone who loved her in my thoughts.

  142. 142.

    C Stars

    When I saw the headline I thought your sister had passed away, because in the context of your posts mentioning her, Tammy sounded like a sister. As you say, in a way she was. I am so so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing the photos of Tammy (and yourself, and your family). They are so warm and sweet.

  144. 144.

    wonkie

    What a beautiful memorial to your dear friend.  And such a shock when death is not expected and there’s no preparation. I had a lifelong male friend, my best friend.  His death was more gradual, and I was able to visit him (he lived in another state) three times along the continuum. It’s so much harder to deal with a sudden unexpected death. You have me in tears, John. I am so sorry for your loss and your sorrow.

  145. 145.

    Dagaetch

    I’m so sorry John. I’ve lost friends at far too young an age, and there really isn’t anything to make it better. It just…sucks.

  152. 152.

    cain

    So few of us are able to have the kind of bond that you and Tammy have. Ive heard of Tammy all through my time on this blog. I’m so sorry for your loss and on top of losing Lilly this year – it must be absolutely devastating. Please, reach out to friends and loved ones or professional help if it gets overwhelming.

    Much love.

  154. 154.

    CapnMubbers

    John, from your posts about Tammy, I think of her as casting a circle of bright light on the people and animals she touched. Deepest sympathy to all who love her.

  156. 156.

    SpaceUnit

    So very sorry to hear of this, John.  Grief is the price we pay.

    And she was way too young.

  157. 157.

    Boris Rasputin (the evil twin)

    My sympathies to you and Brian. This is awful, especially at this time of year.

  160. 160.

    leeleeFL

    I almost stopped myself from reading, because I knew immediately that this would be a loving tribute, as well as a primal scream of pain.  Nevertheless, having read to the end, I know that I was right in my surmise and yet I am glad to have read such a beautiful tribute to your dear Friend.  Nothing I say can make it less wrenching, but please know that I am so very sad for the loss of this Beautiful Spirit.  May her memory be a blessing!

  161. 161.

    CatRadio

    Heartbreaking news. So sorry, John, for your terrible loss. But so happy to know you had such a fine, fine friend.

  162. 162.

    Miss Bianca

    Oh, JC, I am so sorry to hear this. You have just been having the shittiest year for losses. I remember you talking about Tammy and she sounded like such a wonderful soul. What a shock, such sadness for you and her husband and everyone who cared about her. My condolences.

  164. 164.

    Poe Larity

    Am very lucky in life, parents looking towards the end and we have years to prepare. Cannot imagine loosing someone so young. Condolences.

    I’m growing oak seedlings to restore a burned habitat, I’ll pick a nice one and name it for her.

  165. 165.

    Professor Bigfoot

    Dude… there are no words, there just aren’t any.

    My heartfelt condolences to you all.

  167. 167.

    Raoul Paste

    So sorry for your loss, Cole.  Few people have experienced such a delightful, extraordinary relationship.
    it just shows that if you open your heart, you can have a big family

  169. 169.

    Zelma

    My deepest sympathy to you, to Brian, to all who loved Tammy.  I think we all felt we knew her from your mentions over the years.  So young.  So tragic.

  171. 171.

    Tazj

    I’m very sorry. This is just horrible. She sounds like an absolutely wonderful person. I remember reading about her here and seeing her pictures over the years. What a loss.

  172. 172.

    Studly Pantload, the emotionally unavailable unicorn

    So very, very sorry to hear this. Your tribute to Tammy was moving and powerful.

  173. 173.

    randy khan

    Oh my God.  I am so sorry for you, her husband, and everyone who knew her.  It is so hard when someone you love is taken from you suddenly.

    I am not going to tell you that everything will be okay, but I do hope you can hold on to the wonderful memories.  A friend like that is precious, but being loved that way also says something about you, and I hope you can remember that.

  174. 174.

    Elie

     

    Deepest condolensces on losing such a dear dear friend…  You were so lucky however to have such a friend… so so lucky .  You were gifted by the universe.  Her light will never be lost to you —-

  175. 175.

    zhena gogolia

    Oh, my God, that is horrible. I am so sorry to hear this. I feel I knew her through your posts. So tragic.

  176. 176.

    condorcet runner-up

    oh no, john. so sorry for your loss. she sounds like she was an amazing person. sincerest condolences.

  177. 177.

    dww44

    So shocked and saddened by this tragic news, John. The very best to you, to Brian, and all her family and friends.

  179. 179.

    pat

    I read this with tears in my eyes.  I just can’t imagine what you and Brian and your family will be going through.

    Sending condolences and hoping that the lovely memories will remain as the pain diminishes.

  180. 180.

    Violet

    I’m a lurker but I want to de-lurk to say how sorry I am about this devastating loss. John, you and this blog have given me so much solace during these difficult times. I so wish there was something more I could do or say.

  184. 184.

    Gin & Tonic

    I’m so very sorry for Brian’s and your loss. I wish I had words of comfort, but I’m coming up short.

  186. 186.

    Ella in New Mexico

    This news is just awful, John. It’s been so sweet to hear about all the wonderful things you two shared as friends over the past few years on the blog, and especially of what a unique friendship you had. I wish you and her husband and family lots of love and comfort right now. I’m so sorry.

  187. 187.

    Ann Marie

    I’m so sorry for your loss, John, and that it was so sudden.  At least you have all the years of her friendship, which is a lovely gift.

  190. 190.

    Jager

    The other night when we heard Christine McVie passed away, my wife put her head on my shoulder and started to cry.  I put my arm around her, and shut up. I knew why she was crying, she lost her best friend in high school. Lisa was the soloist in a  fine HS choir. The choir sang “Songbird” at Lisa’s funeral. They had been best friends since they were little girls.

    I hope you have someone to put their arm around you and keep their mouth shut until you’re ready to talk.

    Thoughts, John.

  191. 191.

    gluon1

    I regret I can do no more than to add my condolences to those expressed so much better by others above. It is wonderful to have so great a friend and to be so great a friend to her, but the pain of loss must be so much greater as a result. I send you all my best wishes.

  192. 192.

    Chacal Charles Calthrop

    I am so sorry.  I have nothing to add here, except to thank you for sharing your friendship with her with all of us with this post & all your other posts about Tammy.  Take care of yourself, man.

  193. 193.

    FelonyGovt

    I’m so sorry, John. Losing a close friend, especially at such a young age, is devastating. Hugs.

  195. 195.

    Interstadial

    John, I’m very sorry to hear of your loss.   My condolences to you and Tammy’s family.

  199. 199.

    michael s

    another long-time lurker, here…

    John, though i know i don’t know you, i feel that i know and love you, and i ache for your loss. please take care, and take it easy when you can. thinking of you all of the time, today.

  201. 201.

    Baquist

    Sincere condolences to you John, Brian and your families.  Losing such a beloved person is always so hard.  Please be kind to yourselves, and we are sending love to you all.

  202. 202.

    brendancalling

    I so sorry for your loss, John. It always sucks when a friend passes away.

     

    43 is way too young.

  203. 203.

    Tony Jay

    The love you felt for your best friend comes through loud and clear in every line, Cole. Absolutely gutted for you, for her family, and for everyone who was lucky enough to know her.

  205. 205.

    way2blue

    Such tragic news.  So  unfair.  Sigh.  I lost my best friend to leukemia a few years back.  And miss him everyday.

  206. 206.

    J.

    I have tears in my eyes reading this. I can only imagine your pain. Tammy sounds like an amazing human being and the best kind of friend. No one should die at 43. What a tragedy. My heart goes out to you, her husband, and her extended family and friends.

  207. 207.

    What Have the Romans Ever Done for Us?

    Well damn. I don’t post all that much here but have been regularly reading this blog since roughly 2005 and have vague recollections of several Tammy stories. So sorry for your loss. So young! It’s tragic and I feel for you, her husband, your family and everyone else that was close to her.

  208. 208.

    CPL

    A long time and loyal lurker who’s posted a few times. As said upthread this is worth a de-lurk. I am so desperately sorry. This sucks so hard and is one of the most unfair things to happen to you ever. I could not believe the headline. All I know to say is hold on tight because there aren’t many out there like Tammy. And you. And Tammy and you. Please take care

  210. 210.

    Wolvesvalley

    So very sorry to see this, John. I wish there were something, anything, I could say or do to lessen the pain for you and Brian and everyone who loved Tammy. Holding you in the light, as my dear, much-missed mother-in-law would have said.

  211. 211.

    MazeDancer

    My heart breaks for you, John. Losing half of yourself must feel impossible.

    Be kind and gentle with yourself. Only time will make a difference.

    Sending you much Light and all the virtual hugs you need.

  212. 212.

    Msb

    This is such a sad shock. I’m so sorry for the loss you and all Tammy’s family have suffered.

  213. 213.

    JMS

    So sorry to hear about your loss. A beautiful tribute. Writing sometimes helps, even if it’s painful.

  214. 214.

    TinRoofRusted

    I am so sorry John. I know how hard it is now but to paraphrase President Biden, one day her memory will bring a smile to your lips instead of a tear to your eyes. You will get there in your own time. But until then take care of yourself, Brian and your family.

  216. 216.

    OzarkHillbilly

    So very very sorry John. I know you loved her to pieces and would do just about anything for just one more day with her. 43 is way too young to go, I know I felt the same when my sister Peggy died at 42. Her death gutted me. It’s been almost 30 years and hardly a day goes by that I don’t think of her.

  217. 217.

    hrprogressive

    We can all feel the heartbreak here. It’s very touching and deeply moving.

    So sorry for your loss.

  218. 218.

    Sherparick

    I am so sorry for the loss of your friend, your soulmate, John.  All the words above say it so well about the community you shared Tammy with the last 20 years. I wish I could offer consolation that would lessen the pain, but I am afraid there is not except that she loved you and Brian & all her family & friends. Take care my friend & no we are thinking of you. May her memory be a blessing.

  221. 221.

    A woman from anywhere (formerly Mohagan)

    Oh man, I’m so sorry, John.  My deepest condolences on your loss, and may her memory be bright.  There really are no good words at a time like this, but I hope knowing we are all holding you in our hearts helps a little.

  222. 222.

    artem1s

    I’m so sorry for your loss. This is not supposed to happen to someone in their 40s. Please take all the great advise from all the BJ community and be kind to yourself and take the time to mourn.

  228. 228.

    Ciotog

    My condolences to all who loved Tammy.  May you be comforted, John, by the knowledge that she knew exactly how much you loved and appreciated her.

  229. 229.

    ImJohnGalt

    John, I haven’t posted here in more than 15 years, since probably the Kerry/Bush campaign, but your blog was one of the things that sustained me through that shitshow, and when I think of all of the things that came out of your platform here: Angry Black Lady, DougJ, Tom Levenson, Krista! etc, etc., I don’t think I’ve ever let you know how seminal this place was on my political journey. I saw your tweet today and came here to read this. It breaks my heart to see your pain. You have a bigger family out here than you know to share that pain with. I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend, and now I’ve just found out Lily passed as well. May their memory be a blessing. Sending lots of love your way. I don’t even remember what my commenter name was, but I think it was this one. If you’re still the same irascible guy you were back when I was a regular, I hope that nonetheless you’ll still reach out to your no-doubt-formidable network of good people who care for you.

  230. 230.

    sxjames

    So sorry for you loss.  I don’t have any magic words, except know that you are in my prayers

  233. 233.

    There go two miscreants

    Very sorry to read this, John; although it is a lovely tribute, it must have been wrenching to write in these circumstances. My sympathies to you and to her family.

  236. 236.

    Orchid Moon

    John, I am so sorry to you and to all of those friends and family for your loss. Your tribute was incredibly moving.

  237. 237.

    ellenr

    Another lurker sending whatever I can. My husband of 40+ years died early this year. It’s still hard. He’s still not there. Like VOR says, be good to yourself.

  241. 241.

    caphilldcne

    I’m truly sorry for you, Brian, your family and all who loved her. May you find comfort in your good memories.

  242. 242.

    TiredOfItAll

    I’m mostly a lurker but wanted to send my sincere condolences. I have known such devastating loss and believe we never really get over it. Rather, we incorporate it — the grief, the loss of the imagined future times you would have shared together, the joyful memories of the past — into who we are. All that love you had for one another, it doesn’t just disappear. You will hold Tammy in your heart forever. May the universe treat you gently, John.

  243. 243.

    David 🦃The Establishment🥧 Koch

    This is horrible.

    It was always a treat seeing her here.

    This world needs more people like Tammy.

    I’m so, so sorry.

  244. 244.

    rivers

    Another lurker chiming in – I’m so terribly sorry, John. Your tribute to her is so beautiful – it gives those of us who’ve never met her a glimpse of how remarkable she was and will continue to be in your heart. I feel so sad for you and her husband and everyone she touched. (Think of how many strangers she touched through you.)

  246. 246.

    Aardvark Cheeselog

    Holy shit, Cole.

    It’s been ages since I was active here, which I never was very much. But I lurked for enough years to have been one of the people who thought you obviously had some kind of remarkable relationship with this woman. I’m practically in tears reading this.

    I have enough dead people in my past to predict that no, you won’t ever get over it. Probably it will be bearable most of the time, eventually. I’m so sorry.

  248. 248.

    No One You Know

    John.

    I am so sorry. Grief is so… personal. And unpredictable.

    All i can offer is that every loving thing you do,  Tammy is a part of, has been a part of, will be a part of, because knowing her has changed you. And we love who that is.

    (hug)

  249. 249.

    Pauline

    I am so very sorry for your loss, John, she was way too young. I always loved your Tammy stories. My condolences to her husband and family.  Please take care.

  250. 250.

    K488

    My deepest sympathies to you, John, and all who knew her.  I’ve been reading this blog for a long time, and was very much aware of your friendship.  She sounded like a wonderful person.  Do take care of yourself during your time of grief.

  251. 251.

    Jay C

    OMG, John: “devastating” seems like such an inadequate term here: and words of condolence inadequate to help.

    So sorry: one can only hope time and healing can scar over the grief.

  252. 252.

    JKC

    What horrible news, John. Please accept my deepest condolences. May Tammy’s memory always be a blessing to you.

  253. 253.

    tomtofa

    You’re way too young to be losing your best friend, John. As many have already said, heed VOR’s advice in #19 – take your grief seriously and let it unwind in its own time, and please be gentle to and caring of yourself while you live within it.

  254. 254.

    Redshift

    Oh, John, I’m so sorry. That just sucks in every way, except that you had the good fortune to have such a friendship in the first place.

  257. 257.

    jonas

    What awful news! So sorry for your loss. And thank you for the heartfelt and loving remembrance for Tammy you gave us here. You’re a good writer and an even better friend.

  259. 259.

    WendyBinFL

    So sorry to hear this shattering news, John. There is no easy way to cope with the sudden loss of a best friend, especially someone so young and vibrant. Tammy’s passing must feel as if a light has gone out in your life. Take one day at a time. She’s no longer here, but her light shines on. Eventually you’ll reach a place where you can look back and be glad for all the love, joy and laughter you shared with Tammy. In the meantime, please feel our arms around you.

  260. 260.

    Michelle Roche

    JG, I am so sorry for your loss. I had heard of Tammy from your dad. This girl who called them mom and dad, who was your best friend. I did think it was a little weird, but reading your lovely story, I understand, and understand the sadness you must be feeling. You must be special to have had a true friend like her. Keep her in your heart. Love you, cousin Shelly

  261. 261.

    Layer8Problem

    Dear god, I’m so sorry for you, her husband, and everyone who loved her.  If words can give strength, I hope all of us here are helping.

  262. 262.

    stinger

    This is almost unbelievable. How devastating for you and for Brian, their dogs, and all who knew and loved her.

    Thank you for sharing these wonderful photos. She lives forever in your hearts.

  265. 265.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    I knew who you were talking about before I started reading it. There’s only one Tammy that I’ve ever heard of here and all I could do was hope that I was wrong. Just from your past posts it was clear that she was one of your dearest friends in the world. My deepest condolences to her husband, her family, her friends and to you, John. Only 43, holy crap.

    Damned eyes are blurry.

  266. 266.

    One of the Many Jens

    Oh, John, I am so very sorry – for you and for Brian, and all who loved Tammy.  She is far, far too young to be gone.  My prayers, condolences, tears, best wishes to all of you. And to echo multiple someones above, please reach out if/when you can use a hand a hug or even just a conversation.  Everyone always wants to help, and just be supportive, but some folks can definitely be shyer about offering, worried they will somehow be hurtful – sometimes maybe worried about saying the wrong thing, but other times, I think just worried about wrong place/wrong times.

    Grief is so weird, or at least that’s my experience of it. Things before that I’d’ve thought would’ve cracked me, didn’t, and things that would have seemed small, could bring me to my knees.  Please be kind to yourself through it all!  All the best to you.

  267. 267.

    AnthroBabe

    John, I am so sorry for your loss.  Your post about your friendship and love for Tammy brought me to tears.

  268. 268.

    Betty

    What a terrible blow. So very sorry that life should be so unfair. Grieve the loss if this light in your life as long as you need to.

  270. 270.

    Ceci n est pas mon nym

    Just read this and it brought me to tears for someone I don’t even know. The magnitude of the love you felt and the hole she is leaving in your family comes clearly off the page. My deepest sympathies for your loss.

  274. 274.

    Schmendrick

    What a beautiful tribute, John.  I have often wished that I could write as eloquently as you do — and never more than now.  I wish I could summon words that would provide some comfort to you at this difficult moment.  But I will at least offer my sincere condolences, in the hope that grief shared is grief diminished.

  276. 276.

    Starfish

    Oh, man. You have told us how important Tammy is to you for years and years. I am so sorry for your loss.

  278. 278.

    TEL

    So sorry for the loss of your dear friend. It’s always too soon to lose someone we love, but 43 years young is far far too soon even on that scale.

  280. 280.

    Asparagus Aspersions

    How terrible, and dreadfully unfair. This brought me to tears. I am so, so sorry for your loss and for the hole that her absence will leave in the lives of those who loved her. My deepest sympathies to you and to her family.

  281. 281.

    Dick Woodcock

    Just wanted to say sorry for your loss.  I haven’t lost a friend like that yet, so I can’t imagine.

    I do understand your friendship though.  I have a female friend that I have been good friends with since high school 35ish years ago.  It’s been 100% platonic.  She introduced me to my Ex-wife and my current girlfriend.  I know some people never understood why we were never together, but having our friendship is much more important than the possibility of losing it.

    Take care of yourself.

  282. 282.

    CZ-HA

    My heart aches for you, her husband, and all who now have only memories of this luminous woman.

  283. 283.

    Leeron Stark Resnick

    Tammy and I were classmates since Elementary school and all the way through High school. She was smart, beautiful and sooooo nice! Your description of her “blonde moments” and goofiness brought me right back in time. Thank you. Thank you for being such a wonderful friend to Tammy all these years. Tammy will be missed by so many. RIP Tams!

  288. 288.

    TriassicSands

    My sincere condolences to all who knew and cared for Tammy. Forty-three is much too young.

  290. 290.

    Sandia Blanca

    Shock, sadness, anger at the unfairness of such a young life lost! John, if we could, countless numbers of us would be there to give you a hug in person.

  292. 292.

    DianeB

    OMG, I am so sorry. I feel like she was my best friend through all your posts even though we never met IRL. I’m heartbroken as well.

  293. 293.

    J R in WV

    John,

    So sorry for your loss. We left on errands before you posted this, and I just saw it. Such a shock to lose a great friend at such a young age.

    Take care of yourself right now!

    All My Love for you and yours right now….

    JR

  294. 294.

    feloniousferb

    That fucking sucks, John. I enjoyed the story of you becoming friends, her becoming a part of your family and hearing about a lot of her wonderful attributes. Thank you for sharing.

    I hope you find some solace very soon.

  295. 295.

    altofront

    Another lurker delurking here.  I am so, so sorry to hear about this devastating loss.  Your relationship with her was one of the constant pleasures of this blog, and it was clear she was an extraordinary person.  I grieve for you and all of her family and friends.

  296. 296.

    TMinSJ

    I’ve been mainly lurking here since…well, seems like forever, but at least back to 2004. I know who Tammy is, because I’ve been reading your stories about her for that long, and when I was reading this post, I thought: no, that doesn’t make any sense, that’s not right…

    I’m sure you feel that, but times infinity. I’m so sorry you lost your friend. I cried for Tunch and Lily, and I’m crying for Tammy too.

  297. 297.

    NutmegAgain

    Oh, my God. I am so very sorry to hear this. I know from your mentions over the years how much she was a dear friend. I’m sending all the warmth and comfort in the world. So very sorry for you in your loss.

  298. 298.

    Ruckus

    John, it is wonderful for anyone to have a friend so amazing and loyal, funny, respectful.

    I am so sorry for your loss. And for Tammy and her husband. The world lost a good one.

  300. 300.

    Amir Khalid

    I am so, so sorry for your loss, Brian’s loss, your family’s loss. The loss of someone who was a light in so many lives, who still had so much more light to give.

  305. 305.

    TooManyJens

    How awful. I’m so, so sorry. It’s never not to soon to lose a family member (or basically a family member) but 43 is so unfair.

  306. 306.

    planetjanet

    This is such a tragedy and am so sorry for you. Hope your memories of laughs and antics bring you some relief from from the sorrow.

  307. 307.

    SFBayAreaGal

    I am sorry for the loss of your beloved friend Tammy. My condolences to you, your family, Brian and his family.

  309. 309.

    Another Scott

    I’m so very sorry, John.  Condolences to you and to everyone who knew and loved her.

    Best wishes,
    Scott.

  310. 310.

    Elroys Lunch

    John, that’s so, so sad. I’ve been lurking here for decades. The affection that you have had for her and her for you has been so clear. She was a truly great friend.

  311. 311.

    Jim Appleton

    Only vaguely aware of Tammy up to now, she now strikes me as emblematic of why I’m here.

    Love is good.

  312. 312.

    worn

    I just dropped in to see if there was any news regarding the Georgia runoff and this terrible, awful, horrifying news what greeted me instead. I don’t even know what to say except good fucking lord, John, it sure has been a hard year for you. Take care of yourself and hang in there man.

    RIP Tammy. You were one of the good ones. You can’t say that about everyone.

  313. 313.

    SteveinPHX

    Oh man! It’s so sad when someone goes out of your life like this.
    I am very sorry for your loss.

  314. 314.

    Genine

    Oh, no! I am so sorry. I know you’re hurting right now. My condolences to you, Brian, and everyone who loved her.

  317. 317.

    BGinCHI

    OH NO!!!!!

    I just saw this!!

    I am so, so, so sorry to hear this news. May her memory be a blessing. Her memory will be a blessing.

  318. 318.

    kmax

    This is just tragic. So young.

    My condolences to all who loved her.  Sounds like she was special.

  320. 320.

    Tehanu

    Oh, how awful for you, John, and for her husband, and all your family too. So sorry, what a shame. Hope your good memories will help you through this.

  321. 321.

    klokanek

    I know how important Tammy is to you since I’ve been lurking so very very long, and words fail me. Grateful you have friends and jackals to help you through your grief, my friend

  322. 322.

    moonbat

    I am so terribly sorry, John. There aren’t words for what you must be feeling. But I hope in time the wonderful memories you have of Tammy will keep you.

  323. 323.

    Seanly

    Just saw your message on Twitter & had to scroll down through a bunch of other posts to see this one. I’ve been on this website for a long, long time.

    I’m so sorry for the loss of your wonderful friend, Tammy.

  324. 324.

    Tenar Arha

    John, I’m so sorry to hear about your friend. There’s never words. May her memory be a blessing.

  326. 326.

    Debbie(Aussie)

    Oh, John, I am so very sorry. Your love for Tammy shone through the many times you wrote about her. You (and her husband) have my deepest most sincere condolences.

  327. 327.

    Maody

    Dear John Cole,

    I am so sorry about your best friend, Tammy.  How utterly shocking for everyone who loved her.  I know it sounds stupid, but… may peace come to you all.

  328. 328.

    km

    Oh man, I’m so sorry, this sounds devastating. Really sad for you, her husband, and everyone who lost her from their life.

  330. 330.

    Gigi

    Just read this today. I’m so sorry JG. She sounds like an amazing person and friend. Much love to you.

  331. 331.

    am

    I am so, so sorry. My deepest condolences to you, your family, and all of her family.

    It is a tribute to your friendship that sitting at this computer right now, I feel a sense of loss  through your posts about her here. You wrote so warmly about Tammy, she must have been a very special person. May her memory be a blessing.

  332. 332.

    Fake Irishman

    Cole, losing a friend like this is devastating and my heart breaks for you. Tammy’s time here was way too short, but I am grateful that you at least had the time you had together. That time mattered. It shaped you, sustained you, made you a better person and and will keep her memory alive, though all that is cold comfort.

  334. 334.

    Tommy Young

    I became friends when we met at Leadership West Virginia in 2013.  Loved meeting with her when Stella & I were in Morgantown.  Such a big heart & what a jokester she was right when you needed it!  To you & her husband our prayers are with you forever!!!

  335. 335.

    daveX99

    John –  One of the things I’ve always admired about you is your big heart.  I’m sorry you’re in pain, sorry for your loss.

    Love.

  336. 336.

    NickM

    I just read this and am so sorry. What a beautiful tribute to your friend, who sounds like a lovely soul.

  337. 337.

    Tara Bryant

    Tams and I met freshman yr at WVU in comm class. We immediately connected and she’s been my sister ever since. I moved to St Louis 13 yrs ago and we talked every single day. Even the hard days. She helped my mind through 10 major surgeries in the last 8 yrs. To say I’ll miss her smile and love and light is an understatement. Sending all my love to you, John

  339. 339.

    sralloway

    I’m so sorry to read this. I can’t imagine the distress and pain. My thoughts are with you and her family (of which you are a part).

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