I decided today that I needed to go to counseling so I called and made an appointment for early next week. I need to get ahead of this and handle it the best way, and it’s not fair to the people around me for me to be running around as a walking raw nerve and fucking hot mess.
I am so tired- feel like I have lead weights on every portion of my body and just can’t sleep enough. Everything feels dull and colorless- like I crossed the border from West to East Germany in the mid 70’s.
On the upside, I don’t have much of an appetite so maybe I can finagle some weight loss for fatty out of this.
CarolPW
Good.
Monkeypoet
I”m glad you’re taking care of yourself. I quit Twitter and joined post. It’s a much healthier community. Have you considered joining?
James E Powell
Good call. You’re not alone.
Pennsylvanian
Very much the same experience when my mother died very suddenly. The sleep was a blessing, but the waking was agonizing for a while. Glad you are asking for help; I did and was very grateful for it. Grief is exhausting in just about every way, but the light does eventually shine through again if you look for it.
RedDirtGirl
Sounds like a smart move. We are all pulling for you.
ALurkSupreme
Peace to you.
Ohio Mom
Agree, good call.
I’m impressed (and grateful)you are being seen so quickly.
lowtechcyclist
I’m glad you’re doing this, John.
Qrop Non Sequitur
I was in Lurker mode the day of the event but I’d just like to wish you well. I’m sure you know better than anyone what will help you process your loss.
Sister Golden Bear
Good call. I hope it helps you. P.S. Grief is absolutely exhausting.
Bill Arnold
Wishing you well. You are a good person.
Suzanne
Good for you. I am hopeful that it will be helpful. Wishing you much peace.
Betty
I hope it helps to find someone who will listen and provide guidance on how to work your way through this. It was a terrible blow, and it will take time to recover your equilibrium. Lots of positive thoughts being sent your way.
Narya
When you’re ready, I recommend Anderson cooper’s podcast on grief (All There Is or something like that).
skerry
I’m glad you are reaching out for help. Wishing you peace.
UncleEbeneezer
Good call. Therapy was very helpful for me after my Mom passed away.
cain
I’m glad you’re seeking help. It’s really the best way to handle this. You clearly have depression and having someone to talk and help you deal with what you’re going through is going to put you in a better place later.
Michael
Be well and know you are loved.
Layer8Problem
Thumbs up for doing this and caring for yourself. I had a depressive episode years back and lack of appetite leading to weight loss was the one single upside to an unpleasant period.
Jerzy Russian
I am glad you are getting help.
I myself am just very tired. Work last few weeks has been stressful for me and a lot of others. Related to your comment, I have lost about 25 pounds over the last few months. My belts are too large, and I ordered a new one from LL Bean. It was too large, in spite of the stated measurement. I returned it and exchanged it for the next size down, and that size is back ordered. That is sort of how things have been going lately for me.
SiubhanDuinne
Good, John. I wish you peace. And I hope you will eventually feel buoyed by all the love and support directed your way.
BenCisco 🇺🇸🎖️🖥️♦️
Just got home and saw this. I’m glad you are reaching out for help. It won’t feel like it to you, but you are way ahead of the curve in recognizing you need the help AND going ahead and pursuing it.
Hoping for healing.
zhena gogolia
Do whatever you have to do.
Kdaug
Put your mask on first, Cole, then help others
tmfwoof
I mostly lurk but wanted to tell you seeing a therapist after a loss is the best you can do for yourself; it made a huge difference in my life. My body started to physically have issues in the months after a sudden, profound loss. Grief is hard on every cell in your body.
Do allow an hour or more after your sessions, though, to recoup. My brain just felt zonked sometimes after a session because it was so much. Kindness to yourself has to extend beyond the appointment–I had some pretty bad meetings when they were scheduled right after my session. Be sure there’s time to make yourself some cheese toast and tea and have a good cry before you have to deal with other people.
It will help.
TaMara
Grief is exhausting. Mind-numbing. A dull, grey cloud that hangs out for much too long.
And unfortunately, it’s a process. I’ve found you cannot circumvent it as much as you’d like to. Glad you’re taking care of yourself.
Bagel J
Longtime lurker, not sure if I have ever commented. Glad you are getting help John. Untreated grief profoundly affected my family in bad, bad ways. Find someone who you can work with, so if the first person you see doesn’t help please find someone new.
kalakal
Good move. You’re smarter than I was when my father died, I waited months. Counselling really helped me, I hope it does the same for you.
Windpond
In my experience as a Hospice volunteer, grief work is work. You can’t go around it, the route is through, it’s painful, exhausting, and requires focus on what happened and how one is affected. It’s the one time pretending or distraction is not beneficial. Bereavement counseling is an excellent move as is facing the loss head-on.
Ohio Mom
@Jerzy Russian: In a Twitter post a few days ago, in response to Tammy’s death, Cole wrote that we should make our friends go to the doctor.
I am telling you, being tired and losing so much weight in a short period merits a visit to your primary care physician.
zhena gogolia
@Windpond: And in my experience “facing the loss head-on” translates into a lot of crying. A lot.
raven
I would have never done it until, 30 years ago, I hit the wall and fucked up my marriage. I was lucky, I was in a graduate program and it was free. I stopped all drinking and drugs in one day and never looked back. It wasn’t enough to save my marriage but it saved my life.
Kdaug
Talking about our losses ain’t gonna help John. This is his journey
Qrop Non Sequitur
@Kdaug: Im inclined to let John declare that. He may see something he can use.
Kdaug
@Qrop Non Sequitur: fair
CaseyL
Good on ya, John. It can be hard to ask for help under ordinary circumstances, much less extraordinary ones like intense grief. I’m so very glad you’re doing so.
Avalie
It’s not always easy to ask for the help you need–well done for taking this first step. Thinking of you and Tammy’s family
Tim C.
You. Are. Worth. It.
Dan B
Sorry to hear of your grief and very good to hear you’re going to therapy. If it seems like you are falling apart it is likely because you need to be put back together in a new way. ❤️
The Lodger
@Kdaug: This isn’t about being self-indulgent. This is about letting John know he’s not alone. It’s not easy, but we all find our own paths out of places like this.
Lehrjet
Good, a wise man knows when to call in pros. Find peace my friend
satby
Repeated for truth.
Kdaug
@The Lodger: John knows. Trust me
steppy
I’m glad you are taking this step. I said in the original post where you announced Tammy’s tragic death that we love you. We still do and we want the best for you.
trollhattan
Rooting for you.
Jobeth
After my husband died, our pastor sent me a series of books called Journeying Through Grief by Kenneth Haugk. It’s four books sent at intervals over the first year of loss and describes what you may be going through at that point and how to deal with it. I was skeptical at first since I’m not deeply religious (the books weren’t overtly religious) but each book really tracked with what I was going through and helped quite a bit, along with a regular grief support group I joined.
Another Scott
Change is hard. Thanks for taking that step and for letting us know.
Keep us updated with your progress. We care about you.
Cheers,
Scott.
apocalipstick
You’re doing the right thing. Best wishes, thoughts, whatever.
Evap
Peace to you, John. You make the world a better place.
PJ
Good luck, Cole. Hang in there.
I know you don’t want any advice, and this won’t cure your grief – that’s something you need to let pass through you and out of you; it will eventually diminish enough to be liveable. But I highly recommend daily walking for mental and physical health, five miles a day if you can manage it, less if that’s all you can do. It’s not a substitute for professional help, but it helps me a lot with equilibrium and mood (and pounds).
CarolPW
@Jobeth: After mom died (at 56) my sister and I had exactly the same series of dreams except offset by about 2 weeks. I was there when mom died, and she was out of state. I had the dreams first, but didn’t tell them to her until she mentioned one she had. And in comparing them found we were traveling the same journey but with a bit of an offset.
I think the path of profound grief is pretty predictable. Our way through it sometimes requires a guide.
Alison Rose
I’m very glad you made that appointment, John.
Brachiator
Take care, John Cole.
And also sending warm thoughts to all who loved and treasured your friend.
Soprano2
Good, there is no shame in needing help. For awhile after my sister died I would wake up in the morning and just for a minute I would forget it happened, then I would remember and the awfulness would come back. I got some help from a place here that specializes in helping kids who lose people, but has branched out to help anyone who needs it. Still, for a year I would randomly get a sudden heaviness in my chest, and I knew it was the grief. Please take care of yourself.
CliosFanBoy
GREAT!!!! it can really help (he wrote from experience).
Shana
Good decision John. I hope you hook up with a good therapist and get relief.
wmd
Good decision. Likely to lead to more good decisions and a marked improvement in affect.
I hope that your practitioner develops rapport quickly, but even failing that you will get benefit from the work.
Regine Touchon
It’s so hard losing a dear friend. Having lost 3 over the past 2 years, grief therapy helps. Be kind to yourself John.
FastEdD
It’s okay, Cole. All of us need some help-No stigma attached. I lost my partner/gf/best friend of 20 years on October 20th and I am going through it too. It is a bit like PTSD. You think you are doing fine, maybe even laugh at something, and then wham. Something else hits you and you fall apart. Grocery stores are the worst for me-she loves this, I’ll get it for her. Wham, smack upside the head. Where we used to hang out, can’t go there any more. It hurts. It really hurts. Talk to somebody.
All my best,
Ed
Antonius
You never really stop feeling the loss, but you can learn to live with it.
There’s a reason formal mourning used to last a year. I’m glad you’ll get to see someone soon.
danielx
Yes, exactly. Like malevolent monks showed up and turned off your joy meter. Counseling is the best thing you can do.
Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)
Good decision. Hope therapy helps
NotoriousJRT
Hi, John, reaching out to get counseling for your grief may seem a “baby step,” but it truly is a significant one. I hope you find the right pro to guide you through your mourning. It is like you are putting on your own oxygen mask so you can help Brian and others get into theirs. I’m keeping all of you who were blessed to be included in Tammy’s circle in my thoughts.
Fair Economist
A good choice and all my best wishes to you.
kindness
Good for you John. Seeking out help is the best 1st step.
Jackie
I’m glad you’re doing this, John. Therapy will help you – and help you help Tammy’s husband and Mom.
Take care of yourself so you can help others. ❤️
Betty Cracker
You’re a good man, John Cole, which is why Tammy loved you. Take all the help and time you need to get through this, and know that we are here for you.
Starfish
John, if you do not mesh with your therapist, try a different therapist.
There will be some people that you just do not get on with. Do not waste too much time with someone if it doesn’t work out and go try something else.
I am glad you are getting therapy for this.
la caterina
Yes, grief is very, very exhausting. You’re doing the right thing, Cole.
I second Ben Cisco’s comment. You are way ahead of the curve on this.
Kelly
I had a nice long session with a counselor after my first wife died. The cancer journey lasted five and half years. The last four years after her cancer metastasized were increasingly intense and bleak. He helped me with the combination of grief and relief. Man did I feel guilty about the “It’s over at last”.
Enhanced Voting Techniques
John, you getting any physical activity in? While getting help sounds like a good idea, walking might bleed off some this.
JerseyBeard
So glad to hear you’re doing this, John. Very long time lurker who gives a damn about how you’re doing.
Citizen_X
A good step. Take care of yourself, John.
Ruckus
I’m so very sorry about Tammy. A loss like that is hard on everyone concerned.
John, I was a volunteer mental health counselor for 4 yrs and will say that this sounds like a great idea. This experience you are going through can be very tough to deal with on your own if you don’t have the tools in your head. It can be tough if you do. We talked to all kinds of people and I found that listening to someone, one on one, can be rewarding, when the person wants and needs the help. IOW it works and helps you, the patient. You’ve gone through something tough to deal with and someone helping you through it can make a huge difference.
@Starfish: Is quite right, not everyone will click with every counselor/therapist, if it’s not working out, tell them and find another.
VOR
That’s exactly what I meant when I said Cole ought to treat himself as if he were recovering from a serious physical injury. Grief has physical manifestations, it has an impact on your whole body. You need to make sure you eat, make sure you sleep. Move slower, force yourself to be extra cautious crossing the street or taking that left turn in your car.
Cole is talking about everything feeling gray and numb. That’s where I was for weeks after my wife died. I couldn’t taste food. My brain was just blah.
Matt Smith
I second @Starfish: ‘s comment. Good chemistry with your therapist is the key. I say this as a therapist.
And yeah, good on you. The whole extended family here is with you.
MinbariSafari
John, I’ve been lurking on this site since the Bush, Jr era – maybe commented twice under another nym. (So this will probably spend all night in moderation) I’ve spent almost 20 years working at the front desk in two different psychiatric practices. I am SO glad you are doing this. I was concerned for you over the past few weeks. My 2 cents is if you don’t think your first therapist is working out, try another one. Sometimes it takes awhile to find the right fit. (oops looks like #68 beat me to it). If there are staff at the practice, they’re going to love you. Take care of yourself and thanks for all you do here.
VOR
Totally agree. Someone said to me that it never stops hurting, but the intervals between when it is overwhelming get bigger. We had a favorite Chinese restaurant and I couldn’t set foot in the place for 5 years.
LeftCoastYankee
Good call. As a person who waited longer than I should have when my father died (too busy being the “man of the family”), and shined it off when a close friend died, you are right on time.
Be patient, and if you end up needing to switch counselors/therapists, it’s OK.
Comfort and Peace to you sir.
Turgidson
Great move, John. I had that same “lead weights” feeling for quite a while after my mom died, but stubbornly insisted I could power through it. Wrong. My wife forced me to go to therapy, and I got diagnosed with depression (I had a family history) got meds, and vastly improved.
Omnes Omnibus
Take care of yourself
frosty
This is a good plan John. I’m glad to hear you’re doing it.
Odie Hugh Manatee
Please take care of yourself, John. Talking to someone is a good idea, I’m glad you decided to do so.
Denali
We are here for you, John. Be good to yourself. It is hard to get through such a loss. Give yourself time.
Helena Montana
Losing a beloved friend is one of the hardest things in life to endure. Good on yer for getting counseling. I’m pretty sure it’s exactly what Tammy would tell you to do.
sukabi
thinking about you John and sending virtual hugs…good for you scheduling a therapy / counciling appt…one foot in front of the other…you’ll get through this.
JAFD
Dear Mr. Cole,
Note that it’s December, shortest days of the year. If you have any tendency to seasonal depression, Tammy’s passing probably aggrevated it. It’s OK to call for reinforcements at this point.
Anyway, thanks for reminding me to get my Carex ‘Day-Light’ out of box ’twas packed in for renovations, set it up and turn it on.
And remember what the coach said, after seeing a demonstration of The Robot Quarterback …
“This, too, shall pass”
Jim Bales
John,
It looks like you are figuring out how to take care of yourself.
I can only wish you the very best. My wife and I had a very close friend who passed away a week and a half ago after years of struggling with cancer. I cannot tell you how hard that was. I cannot imagine just how much harder it is for you-you have my sympathy and condolences, although I know they do little
My wife and I had a very close friend who passed away a week and a half ago after years of struggling with cancer. I cannot tell you how hard that was. I cannot imagine how much harder it is for you, these days
I think you are being wise, and I hope that the counseling is of some help
best
Jim
way2blue
John. I am relieved that you will be speaking to a counselor. When my sister disappeared (she was 24; I was 27), nothing made sense for a very long time. I mostly kept to my daily routine—thinking someday life would make sense again. But also spent evenings with friends because there was so much grief in our house. Never thought to talk to a professional (our family wasn’t built that way), but I’m sure it would have helped me immensely. Slánte mhath.
grandmaBear
The sessions I had with a counselor after my sister died were an immense help. It does take time, even with counseling, but they can help you cope and rebuild your life.
Rebelsdad (fka texasboyshaun)
John, I read about Tammy’s passing and I’ve been thinking of you since then. There’s nothing I can say that will make the pain go away. Please take care of yourself- counseling is a great start, especially when it’s an unexpected death like this. Take the time you need for yourself to grieve. I’m just one small voice but I (unfortunately) have a lot of experience with death and grieving, so if you need someone to kvetch to or a shoulder to cry on, email me. May Tammy’s memories always be a blessing to you and all her loved ones.
Madeleine
To me this seems a wise step, to be accompanied on your path through grief. It honors Tammy and her meaning in your life.
sab
This is incredibly painful for you, but you have a blog of adult people some of whom are dealing with similar traumas. I thank you every day for providing us with this space to comment.
My mom died ten years ago, and I had been isolated in her house for a few years doing elder care. Y’all were there. Often and a lot.
Young friends dying is a whole different level of shock and pain. Thank you for sharing, since you have many who are similarly shocked and in pain.
HarryBee
John, you suffered a one-two punch. First, Lily. Now, Tammy. Lily was, sadly, expected. Tammy was a horrible shock. I’m glad you’re getting help and not thinking you have to be some kind of rock. I think you will love again. Look at how many of us love you just the way you are.
Tehanu
Good for you. Counseling saved my life and I hope it will help you as much as it did me.
Msb
This is a wise choice. As others have said, choose a therapist you click with and trust as a person.
I walk a lot anyway, but did even more of it while grieving for my parents. It helped, even just the deep breathing that accompanies the steps, but also the sight of the natural world living and changing.
And I lost 20 pounds while grieving for my mom.
Nancy
Betsy
I hope your counseling sessions are helpful. Processing is what you can do. Your instincts are on target.
Tender, gentle thoughts for your pain and loss.
ColoradoGuy
Drive slowly and carefully after a counseling session. They can be intense. Give yourself permission to just sit in the parking lot and feel what you’re feeling.
HeartlandLiberal
We DID cross the border in 1972 to spend a day in East Berlin.
Cole is correct in his analogy. Like going from a bright, colorful sunny day, to a somber, gray toned nightmare.
John, do what you need to do. Seeking help is the right thing to do.
Then come back so we can kid you some more for your many foibles.
xjmuellerlurks
Good for you. You are so fortunate to be able to see a counselor this quickly. I have family members who wait weeks for an appointment. Best wishes for success in this.
Chat Noir
I had a counselor explain that grief is like a deep physical wound. It takes time for it to heal and scab over. That helped me understand what I was going through. Sending positive vibes your way on your journey. Petting Steve and Thurston is also part of the healing process.
Mimi
I came here to say what Starfish said. Be honest with them, let them know you’re shopping around for the best fit.
Chris Johnson
<3
Crimson Pimpernel
Good move. Best wishes.