Friday night Mexican with Breyana pic.twitter.com/swsTCxGcXN
— John Cole (@Johngcole) December 16, 2022
Went out for Mexican tonight with Breyana, and it was fun. She just cracks me up and is always so much fun to be around. When I took her picture she looked so grown up compared to just a few years ago, and it dawned on me how much the braces are really changing her facial structure- she used to have a 50% overbite. I hope her spirit never changes, though.
Got the news that a fraternity brother died of cancer this morning- pancreatic cancer he had been battling that finally got him. Good guy- 20 years older than me, but one of the ones who stayed super involved over the years. Another one for the Omega chapter.
I’m tired of learning new things through personal experience. I liked things better when I was living through things vicariously in books, but reading about death and grief and all that is so fucking depressing I don’t want to do it through books, either. Plus, I like to puzzle through things myself- like you should never mop your way naked into the shower or you might end up dead in the commode. Or not to drink a handle of tequila and stand on the roof of a frat house. Things like that.
But one thing I have learned is that we, as a culture, aren’t very good with people not being ok. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean we are rushing out to help people in need or get medical treatment or mental health care or food, etc. I mean that when people are miserable FOR a reason, it frustrates us that we don’t visibly see them “getting better” or whatever the fuck that means. We don’t know how to handle it. We either want to be told everything is ok or ignore it, but we don’t know what to do when someone says “No, I’m not doing very well, I’m quite depressed and for good reason and I will probably be that way for quite some time, but that is ok and thank you for asking.”. People look defeated like they have let you down or there must be something they can do that is going to change things.
It’s very weird. And I am sure many of you get this- I seldom if ever say anything revelatory here, usually what I have done is just expressed something that you either couldn’t find the words to, or didn’t have the platform, or were afraid to say, or, more likely you have a degree of shame and an internal monologue and know better than to say it. But you were thinking it, and just let me do the dirty work, you fuckers. I’m hip to your shit, as the kids say.
I’ve decided I’m going to work to be kinder in 2023. I refuse to become an old bitter person- one of those ugly people who by any standard have everything going for them- like me- but who just become worse and worse people every year. My first act was to purchase an outdoor cat house with two entrances for the cats I see on my porch every now and then and the possum I have caught up there a couple times trying to get into the birdseed. It’s too cold for them to not have shelter.
I suppose I’ll try to be nicer to people, too, but fucking hell they make it so hard.
Eljai
I’m holding space for you, John. I’m not actually sure what that means but my New Age friends like to say that. And I think I might be good at it. That was nice of you to think of the cats and the possum.
HinTN
Yeah you right! Well said, Cole. Glad you had some good time with Brianna. Keep on keeping on, man.
West of the Rockies
Was it Shirley Jackson who said “Hell is other people”?
H.E.Wolf
Vous êtes un bon homme.
Alison Rose
You’re a good man, John, and I hope you never doubt that.
Alison Rose
@West of the Rockies: Sartre. Fitting, because it sure sounds like a French idea.
Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)
Ain’t that the truth sometimes! Glad you had a nice time Cole and wish you all the best
Omnes Omnibus
Wait, is owning a cat house legal in WV?
Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)
@Omnes Omnibus:
Only if it was bought on a Wednesday in a leap year while it was raining outside
Argiope
During my last turn in the Cosmic WhoopAss Machine (when is your turn over? When shit stops sucking so hard. You’ll know.) I had a few times when I said no to socializing because I knew I’d be terrible company. It’s hard for others to fathom that you just aren’t in a place where you can be distracted out of the crap you’re going through. My best friends are the ones who just got it, and didn’t really try to make anything better, just hung out anyway or respected the situation was objectively terrible and that nothing could really be done except to wait for things to improve. Usually they had enough life experience and trips through the CWaM themselves to get it. I am sure Tammy would be one of the ones who got it. Enduring until things aren’t so terrible is often the best we can do. I bet making others lives a little better is also going to help make the enduring more endurable and stave off any incipient bitterness.
CaseyL
It’s excellent to hear you were able to enjoy hanging out with Breyana.
And I understand completely how caring more for animals is less of a heavy lift than caring for humans. Humans are complicated beyond measure. We can feel a multiple of conflicting emotions and drives all at once, so that anyone trying to console or talk about one of those emotions and drives risks blowback from one of the others.
Anyway: Enjoy your new resolution to be kinder, and enjoy it.
West of the Rockies
@Alison Rose:
Ah, thank you. Very French, indeed.
mrmoshpotato
@Goku (aka Amerikan Baka): And you ordered it online while listening to John Denver.
Omnes Omnibus
@Goku (aka Amerikan Baka): @mrmoshpotato: Does no one know what a cat house is anymore?
BellyCat
I’m with you, Cole. Been through some hard shit and currently going through some hard shit. But there are brief moments of respite, pleasure, and optimism. I try and pay attention to those.
Best thing I ever heard to get to the destination you’re describing: Life is full of both magic and horror; you get to decide where to focus.
zhena gogolia
We love you too.
Boy, trying to take care of possums — that is hard core. Good luck with that!
Alison Rose
@Omnes Omnibus: Thanks to Dark Brandon, it is now.
Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)
@mrmoshpotato:
Take me home, country roads….
cain
I don’t know what was about this post that made me feel emotional or having tears in my eyes. But it’s such a great post. Yeah, I think as a nation we do feel that. It’s okay not to feel ok, and hopefully we get better.
Mental health in this country has not been great and I hope that all of us use the resources that we have because there is so much going on. So much more than there was back in the day.
Take care all of you. Be good to yourself, be kind to yourself – forgive yourself.
cain
@Omnes Omnibus:
Yeah, it’s my goddam office! Of course, it’s the only warm place in the house because it has a personal heater. lol
BellyCat
@Omnes Omnibus: Sure, but family domiciles are grandfathered (heh!) because West Virginia.
(full disclosure: grew up 8 miles from WV)
Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)
@Omnes Omnibus:
*Googles* I do now. Never heard them called that before
The Best Little Cathouse In West By God Virginny!
Bodacious
My husband died unexpectedly last year, and I got to experience how difficult it is for our society to handle being around someone going through tough shit. I now recognize I was just horrible at it before as well. We want people to be positive, we want them to feel happy, anything else makes us uncomfortable. And if we can’t say a short few words to rectify the situation, we want to get the hell out of there. That’s just how it is – we don’t do grief, illness, or depression very good.
rikyrah
You are good people, Cole🤗
frosty
@Omnes Omnibus: I got the reference!
Tehanu
OK if I do this too? John, you have such a gift for cutting through BS and stating things in plain old English. Thanks.
Argiope
@Omnes Omnibus: And it’s even Balloon Juice After Dark time. Kids these days.
Sandia Blanca
John, thank you for the update on the GoFundMe for Tammy’s funeral. Please let us know if Brian needs more than the amount we’ve raised so far. All of us in this community love you and your family.
frosty
Being an engineer, if something isn’t OK I want to fix it…. and some things can’t be fixed. It has taken many years to learn that sometimes all anyone can do is listen. I’m still working on it.
kalakal
@Omnes Omnibus: Not sure about an outdoor one.
Omnes Omnibus
@kalakal: Zoning?
Lyrebird
@Omnes Omnibus: Apparently they do not! But I saw what you did there… good thing I had no tea with me. I would have been tea up the nose, and I needed a laugh, thanks!
kalakal
You’re a good man John, I like your act of kindness. And you’re right we don’t handle other people not being OK well, espescially when there isn’t a quick fix. Cats, dogs, possums or whatever are a real help when you’re down. They need you and that makes you keep going.
Chacal Charles Calthrop
take care of yourself. We need you, Breyana needs you, and Lord knows the Democratic Party of West Virginia needs you.
but I’d just like to point out that if you put out out food as well as shelter for the cats on your porch, you’ll have new additional pet cats pretty soon (although the possum, as a native species, will probably be ok just with the free food).
kalakal
@Omnes Omnibus: Hmm, light industry or commercial?
hells littlest angel
This is so far down on the list of human failings that it’s actually one of our finer qualities.
Lyrebird
Glad to read what you had to say, Cole, even though I wish you were in a different storyline.
You reminded me of my friends who lost a child this year in an awful tragedy. They have talked about the pressure to pretend they are okay. They are continuing with life but they might not ever be okay. I just emailed them to say hey, inspired by your post.
Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)
@Omnes Omnibus:
@kalakal:
Retail?
kalakal
@Goku (aka Amerikan Baka): Yes!
grammypat
John, if you need to rant to people about your feelings … then by all means do so. But if you don’t want to share … I’ve found another way:
When people ask me “How are you?” they don’t really want to hear “lousy” and I don’t want to go into the trials and tribulations that are my life with a (usually) stranger. I sometimes ignore the question, but that feels unduly rude. Saying “okay” or “fine” is most often a lie.
Making “friendly noises” is not my thing, so the usual response is to deflect by mouthing something inane. “I think I’m here” is a favorite. If they really are interested in my well-being and are paying attention, they will respond in some way to the absurdity.
If they do not respond, 1) they did not care in the first place (so it doesn’t make any difference what you say), and 2) by inserting a degree of levity, I’ve saved my emotional and mental energies for things more important.
BellyCat
@kalakal: Multi-Family Residential
Chetan Murthy
@grammypat: My version of your phrase is: “As a famous philosopher once said, `It is what it is'”
mrmoshpotato
@Omnes Omnibus:
Never heard of it. Tell us cat lady man! 😁
mrmoshpotato
@Goku (aka Amerikan Baka):
Ok. Here you go.
BellyCat
@Lyrebird: Nothing harder. Damn…
Omnes Omnibus
@grammypat:
I once had a 93 year old judge reply to the question of how he was with “I am still alive.” It may be a useful response along the lines of those you were suggesting.
kalakal
@mrmoshpotato: Hah! That’s great, never heard of him before
Chetan Murthy
@mrmoshpotato: those eyes
grammypat
@Chetan Murthy: Yeah, but that doesn’t really deflect. It seems to me to actually invite dialogue … something I don’t find welcome. The inane framing usually elicits no response, which is fine with me.
Misanthropic? Yes. Especially in the past 3 yrs, I haven’t wanted to converse with strangers.
Eta: @Omnes Omnibus:
Chetan Murthy
@grammypat: Heh, when someone asks what I mean, I respond “you do remember who said it, and about what, right? right?”
If they don’t remember …. I don’t realky care to talk to them anyway.
Joelle Park
A fine post and looking forward to occupying your cat house.
John Revolta
Look, look… Don’t look at me with those awful cow eyes. Wh… Why don’t you go to the cinema tonight?
Why don’t you and Polly go to the ice rink? Why don’t you…..Cheer up, for Christ’s sake!
-Basil Fawlty
Narya
I’ve adopted a line from the Dalai Lama: “Be kind whenever possible. It’s always possible.” It takes me out of my own shit, and sometimes it actually helps someone. At the very least it helps me avoid the bitterness of which you speak and to which I otherwise can be prone. Love you, John.
BruceFromOhio
Revelatory, fuck. Well said.
BruceFromOhio
@Argiope:
This.
emrys
You might also consider a heated water bowl to qualify for catbnb
Anne Laurie
You’re a good man, Cole, in your own unique way.
Your parents can be proud of having raised you, even if the idea might startle them.
AJ of the Mustard Search and Rescue Team
Grief is the experience we are least able to handle as a culture imo. Anger, joy, sure, but oh dear god not grief or sadness.
I think it just makes people feel powerless, and there’s nothing to defeat or purchase or consume and those are the things this society trains us to do.
It just sucks, and that’s it.
I’m so grateful for you John and for BJ. On my darkest days this place is a balm.
BlueGuitarist
@grammypat:
“ ‘how are you’ is a greeting, not a question”
has been a helpful discovery for me
Also, too, “good to see you” as a reply to “how are you?”
Steeplejack
@Omnes Omnibus:
Should’ve said cathouse.
gene108
This is so incredibly true.
Too many people feel like living can and must be controlled through conscious action. Sometimes things out of a person’s control happen, but others don’t like face up to the fact we sometimes can’t control things that happen to us.
Ms. Deranged in AZ
I wonder if it’s our national almost delusional optimism that causes us to turn away from depression and grief. Maybe it’s just an aversion to strong negative emotions of any kind. Having grown up in the South I know for certain that one is never supposed to express negative emotions in public. Maybe that’s why so many people in the US give Trump a pass for his naked racism and bigotry because he couches it in his doofy, jokey way that makes it seem not serious. And by making it not seem serious it is in their minds, not serious. Those of us who know a thing or two about such tactics sussed it out, of course.
But back to our discomfort with “not being ok”…I have lost count of the number of times someone asked me how I was and the urge to tell them the truth was stifled because I knew they would not be able to handle the answer. So I always say fine or I’m okay because it helps them. And I don’t want the hassle of having to make them feel comfortable when I’m already profoundly depressed. It’s just easier. Easier to lie and say you have other obligations and can’t go out, than to tell the truth that you don’t want to be social because you feel like you have nothing positive to give and might only be a burden to everyone around you. And I don’t mean that in the traditional way. Some people see that as a “woe as me” attitude. I mean it in a way that you know you’re going to be okay eventually but for right now it’s just best that you not have to be out there and pretending just to make everybody else feel more comfy. I hate pretending and a whole lot of socializing, especially in America, is pretending.
John, you are incredibly honest with yourself and others. That’s probably one of the many reasons why so many of us here appreciate you. So long as you can balance kindness and honesty, I say go for it. I think you are where you need to be right now and if that’s depressed and grieving and expressing that to the world, then you have my whole hearted support, for whatever that is worth.
gene108
@hells littlest angel:
People having to be happy or at least come across as such is part of forced compliance to arbitrary social norms. It’s just another facet of boys don’t wear pink or real men don’t cry or grin and bear it that’s toxic to people’s emotional well being over time.
Ms. Deranged in AZ
@Omnes Omnibus: my answer lately as been, “I’m breathing so that’s good”. Btw, I knew what “cat house” meant and I have no idea where I learned it from. Probably a book….
Steeplejack
Bummer. The slide continues.
prostratedragon
Andy Bey: “River Man,” Nick Drake
Steeplejack
Steeplejack
@prostratedragon:
Love that song.
Ruckus
One of the things I’ve discovered about life, having made it into the eighth decade is that you can maybe fix yourself but that’s pretty much the extent of it. Sure you can also sometimes fix things as well but often the timing or the access is just not there. IOW roll with it. When I was a kid it was roll with the punches and that isn’t all that inappropriate, because it sometimes feels like a fight. But the point is that there is a hell of a lot you can’t fix but the up side is that there is a lot to appreciate at the same time. Life is a journey, there are bumps in the road, flat tires, empty gas tanks and sometimes it feels like all of it is crapping all over you at once. So what? Breathe in, breath out. Eat, drink, pee and shit. Repeat. But oh those days. The ones where it all seems to make sense. The ones where it seems like every damn thing has lined up in the right order. They are often few and far between but they are there. The key is to learn to recognize them, to enjoy them, to revel in them. Because it’s life, the good, the bad, the ugly, it’s not just a movie. You get to breathe every day, you get some good days, and a lot of so, so days. Some get a lot of crap days. There’s no guarantee of any of it, watch the sunrise or the sunset, feel the heat – and the cold, enjoy nature. Because that’s all it’s about, being alive. There’s no secret to it, other than to enjoy what is in front of you, duck for low branches and don’t jump off cliffs unless a hungry lion is chasing you.
Emma from Miami
@Ruckus: this should be required reading for everyone. I am addicted to “it is what it is” as an answer to people that don’t take “I’m ok” for an answer. Many take it as an insult, but it’s not meant that way. But what else is there? Roll with the punches, laugh every day even in the middle of tragedy, keep moving.
pieceofpeace
opiejeanne
@Emma from Miami: I have to remind myself sometimes that, if you don’t laugh, you’ll just cry all the time.
And sometimes when I say I’m fine, I really mean I’m F.I.N.E: Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional.
Ruckus
@opiejeanne:
F.I.N.E: Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional.
Have we met?
Ruckus
@Emma from Miami:
It is what it is.
Damn it, I knew I left out something. And yes I have used this exact phrase a fair amount myself.
Steeplejack
opiejeanne
@Ruckus: Ha! I think we’re all there sometimes.
And to be literal, I think we’ve had lunch together several times, once at Lucky Baldwin’s.
Ruckus
@opiejeanne:
Yes we have, I was being rhetorical. I do that once in a while, smart ass that I am….
opiejeanne
@Ruckus: I answered it both ways. I recognized the rhetorical, but I am hopelessly one of those very literal people. It slips out sometimes.
satby
@Bodacious: As a society, we sure don’t. Since death is ultimately universal, you think we’d be better at dealing with it and grief, but it does make people uncomfortable. Maybe because this society doesn’t have a set of rituals to work through it, as more homogenous societies used to. The official mourning period in some used to be a year, that makes some sense to me sometimes.
Deputinize Eurasia from the Kuriles to St Petersburg
So I managed to completely blow out my quad tendon while assembling my dive bag in Exuma at 7 am Friday morning.Laid on the floor a minute, got up, thought all was OK, and then the leg gave way. Knew I needed to not be in Exuma for a complicated ortho injury, rebooked for home – got in late, immediately went to ER. Turns out they’re admitting me and doing my surgery sometime today.
I’m hungry as shit.
Antonius
@West of the Rockies: Sartre. But I was also thinking “Dorothy Parker”.
Reverse tool order
Replying “still above ground level” works about right for me.
Steeplejack
@Deputinize Eurasia from the Kuriles to St Petersburg:
Bummer, dude. Hoping for a good, pain-free outcome. 🙏
Geminid
@Deputinize Eurasia from the Kuriles to St Petersburg: Well, that sure sounds serious. Wishing you a good recovery, and a 2023 without more injury.
raven
I see we hit the 20K for Tammy.
satby
@Deputinize Eurasia from the Kuriles to St Petersburg: good luck!
satby
@Steeplejack: Been there, done that. Tree fell on it.
BellyCat
This. (Usually). A response of “My snorkel is still above water” has been a handy response and one is off the hook (with one’s self) for not being truthful. The “greeting” folks chuckle and move on. The “genuine question” folks usually either want to hear more or already know enough to signal solidarity and support.
swiftfox
Outdoor cats. Nesting house finches. Birdseed accessible for possum. Going to have to choose.
BellyCat
@Deputinize Eurasia from the Kuriles to St Petersburg: Shit! Hoping recovery is as good as possible.
Geminid
So, Politico tells me that the U.S. is requesting offers for 3 million barrels of oil to be placed in the Strategic Petroleum Reserve (SPR) next February. This would begin to replenish stocks diminished by 211 million barrels over the past year. The SPR is at its lowest level since 1984, and a spokesman predicted that refilling the reserve would take months and perhaps years.
The reporter suggested the U.S. could net money on the deal since oil prices peaked this year at $117 per barrel and are now down to $75 per barrel.
lowtechcyclist
@Omnes Omnibus:
As a synonym for ‘whorehouse’ it’s pretty dated. I’m not sure I’ve seen it anywhere besides Steinbeck’s Of Mice and Men, which was part of our assigned reading in tenth grade.
And while I grokked immediately what it meant, I still to this day have a mental picture of a small house with lots of open windows, and cats poking their heads out of every one.
WereBear
This whole thing was beautiful. Your rants are poetry! Thank you.
So many of us are expected to manage the feelings around us (as a woman I was explicitly trained to do this) because we as people are not allowed to manage our problems which were not entirely of our making as some would have us believe.
They are externally generated, on purpose. Now we have a mass of people who have internalized their tormenters, and fearfully support their own abuse.
My Latest Theory.
lowtechcyclist
I know exactly what you mean, John. My older sister is a civil engineer, and she really IS an engineer. She wants to make things work, fix things that are broken, and so forth. Including people.
My wife suffers from depression, and when my sister found out, she had all sorts of proposals for taking my wife shopping or for a mani/pedi or for walks outdoors. It was quite a challenge to make her understand that no, this is clinical depression, she isn’t just having a run of bad days and the shopping and the mani/pedi won’t touch it.
NorthLeft
Thanks for being you John. Please know that your posts usually bring a smile to my face.
And what you said about people? Yeah, but sometimes you get a nice surprise.
A few weeks ago at my in-laws Christmas party, the partner of my SIL pulled me aside and apologized for not paying off a debt owed to me on a used car I had sold him…a Saturn, around fifteen years ago. My wife and I had long written it off and decided not to let it effect our relationship with them, but I have to admit that I am not a good enough person to pull that off.
Back to the party, about a half hour later he pulled me aside again and asked to set up a meet to pay off the debt ($1000). I agreed to call him next time I was in town. A half hour later, he pulled me aside again and told me he had gone out to an ATM and handed me a wad of $20s. He was very apologetic and I think it made him happier to give me the money than I was to get it.
The moral of the story? Sometimes people will surprise you. Merry Christmas John.
Robert Sneddon
There’s a phrase, “Engineering solutions to people problems”. The solutions engineers come up with are just as ineffective as you might expect, and often counter-productive.
oldster
Bring back wearing mourning, John. Try wearing a black satin arm-band on your upper arm. (I don’t think a black veil would suit you).
I’m half-serious here, or more than half. The custom of wearing visibly different clothes for a year was a good way to tell the world, “I have suffered a loss. I am grieving. Don’t expect me to act normally.”
Sure, it had it’s downsides, and was open to abuse. But there was some wisdom to it. A culture that is trained to recognize mourning .
Rusty
I had my annual physical last month, and the nurse practitioner asked me how I was doing with stress and all. I said it’s been a hard year but some things were getting better. She looked at my chart, and the NP from last year had written down a direct quote from me “It’s been a crap three years”. I laughed about it later with friends. My mid 50’s have been crap, but that’s life. As Americans we are addicted to the self improvement, everything must get better mentality. I keep a quote on a piece of paper in my car that I use to remind myself to let most of this go. “The inevitably failed project of continual self improvement.”.
Dorothy A. Winsor
@Deputinize Eurasia from the Kuriles to St Petersburg: Ouch. Hope surgery goes well. Sadly, they won’t feed you until afterwards.
Dorothy A. Winsor
@lowtechcyclist: My in-laws’ next-door neighbor had a ceramic cat stuck outside the garage wall. My 5 yo son referred to it as the cat house
Ohio Mom
When asked how I am doing, I often reply, “As fine as I can be.”
Most people do not realize that might might, “No I’m not fine, this is as good as it gets.” Which is okay with me, I get my privacy.
Cjcat
I haven’t given you my condolence yet. I didn’t know what to say. I am old and when you get to my age you are carrying around a great big bag of grief and loss.
We lost our last remaining nephew just two months ago. So I too have been experiencing grief. The world is grieving.
I made up this mantra that helps me a bit when I am overcome and wishing there was more than I could have done. Maybe it will help.
May they have peace, May they have joy. May the light of our love, given and received, shine on.
I admire your ability to talk about this openly and I think you are very brave.
MomSense
@Bodacious:
I realized at the last craft night that one of the ways crafting is helpful is that it provides a way for people to be together. It’s ok to be quiet at craft night and the sounds of the crafting are rhythmic and comforting. It’s ok to just talk about what you are making or what others are making. People can just be there.
Capri
My daughter-in-law is an extremely positive person, some naturally and some through how she was brought up; which was to always always always look on the bright side. She clashes with the rest of the family, all of whom are realists when it comes to most situations. Of course, being positive all the time she doesn’t let them know that, she appears to have a great time and then later tells my son something was bothering her. It’s a form of gaslighting, where the gaslight-er believes they are looking out for everyone’s feelings and the gaslight-ees deciding she’s a phony they can’t trust. It has caused a lot of tension in the younger generation.
Gvg
The only thing I disagree with is I do not think it is uniquely American to be bad at dealing with grief or unable to accept that some things can’t be fixed. I do not think other cultures are really much better at dealing with it. I think every culture has wise individuals and some people are better at using the social cues and levers available to help their fellows but it’s really just a human pain. The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence.
On the other hand Americans are good at cultural appropriation so if we do find something good out there, we will copy it immediately and that is a good trait.
I am shy and socially awkward. I never have the words for these situations.
It took years of interacting with other people to understand that depression was something that happened like an internal illness not something caused by events. I don’t think I would know that if it hadn’t been for my particular job and all the proof that I had to see. Events do aggravate the condition though. Like falling into an icy river….
RedDirtGirl
@Bodacious: I’m so sorry for your loss!
rm
Thanks for this, John. I almost always just read the posts here and don’t comment, but I want to say how much I appreciate this post. Life gives us problems that can’t be solved, or that can only change slowly. We need permission to just feel bad about circumstances that are terrible.
Cheryl from Maryland
@Bodacious: THIS. My husband died unexpectedly last October. There are days when I want to deal with no one because I can’t make the effort THEY need from me to reassure themselves.
Bodacious
@Cheryl from Maryland: And yours is my THIS! Others often want our reassurance so they can feel comforted about the process of death. BUT, I have much better grief-receptors now, and for that I feel fortunate. It’s a club – and both you and I are in it. Thank you for your words.
pinacacci
John Cole, you are a king among men. Every ounce of your grieving is earned and feeling it completely is the measure of you. I believe we share this pain with you but can never lift the weight. I’m sorry.
The Moar You Know
So, about a year and a half ago I had to get part of my colon removed. This didn’t go well. While not exactly crippled, I’m in constant pain and certain things, like long airplane trips, are not in the cards now, and maybe not ever. It has surprised me just how badly some of my family has taken this. “So, when are you going to be better?” Well, as Nancy Smash said, is never good enough for you? It might be never. I might just have to deal with it. And that idea that something can’t be fixed or put back to normal scares the shit out of a lot of people.
Im the one dealing with it and it doesn’t scare me at all. It is what it is. I’m frankly lucky to be alive.
UncleEbeneezer
@prostratedragon: If you like jazz, check out this incredible version by Brad Meldhau Trio. It’s been a staple of his sets for many years.
J R in WV
I am having pretty much a sucky year. My doctors are sneaking up on what ails me. For one thing early this week I had an MRI that disclosed that I have a spinal stenosis, a disc in my lower back which is pressing on my spinal cord. Has been referred to the neurosurgeon who repaired Wife’s stenosis in her neck last spring.
When people ask me how I am, how I’m doing, etc, lately I just say “I’m hanging on the best I can.” You would be surprised how many people say, “Yeah, me too!!!”
Or maybe not surprised at all. Maybe we’re all just hanging on best we can as we age out…
Was really glad to see that the go fund me for Tammy and Brian was fully subscribed. Hope it helps Brian a little bit to know nearly 400 people cared enough to participate to help him out a little bit. We love you Cole, thousands of us do love you. Hope that helps a wee bit.
Raoul Paste
This was a good morning read.
I know a psychologist who had some recent hardships, and she commented that she had had enough of this personal growth stuff for awhile
UncleEbeneezer
Cole, one thing I found very helpful when grieving my Mom’s death was a secular grieving group on FB called Grief Beyond Belief. It was great to be in community with others who were also grieving without all the religious bullshit that most support groups are filled with. Helped me process and even make some quality friends. We were all there to talk and we all could relate, so it was the only place I really felt comfortable grieving as much (or little) as I wanted. There was no pressure of worrying that I’d be bringing somebody down since that’s what we were all there for.
Binky
There’s a podcast called “Terrible, thanks for asking” started after the host lost a pregnancy, husband and father within the space of a couple months. It’s full of stories that reinforce the idea that it’s ok not to perform “being better.”
eachother
I have been writing a poem for my mother. It is a work in progress, for 16 years.
MazeDancer
Lead with kindness.
Not be kind. You are very kind. You often think of others.
Just mantra “lead with kindness”.
And, then, in therapy, and congrats on seeking help, figure out your anger. What makes you so angry that you will rant at people first.
Anger is not strength. And you are a kind, strong man,
TerryC
“I’ve decided I’m going to work to be kinder in 2023. I refuse to become an old bitter person- one of those ugly people who by any standard have everything going for them- like me- but who just become worse and worse people every year.”
Been seeing my increasing crankiness at 75, thanks for the reminder that I need to continue to fight it.
Aurona
First off, you took a great picture of Breanna. She’s a beautiful young woman who obviously has great taste in #FamilyFriends. I, too, lost a friend from carcinoid syndrome, while I had breast cancer. The stuff I see on line, experience in real life and just want to call her or email her (she was not a texter). She’s not there. “Fortunately” I had three surgeries to go through, so my depression of her leaving was met straight on with surgeries, radiation therapy, and my survival. And here it is, 2022 almost 2023. I’m better but it was a terrible year of survival. But its not grey anymore. I kept walking daily with my dogs (age 75, me not them) and one passed a month ago, and short stuff Gambit (chihuahua/rat terrier, 5 yo) is happy for us to complete our daily task. Walking: Good for the heart, good for the head.
Keep writing. It helps. Bu the walking thing is peaceful, safe and healthy. I always ‘borrow’ ideas for my native garden/yard from my neighbors (rain gardens, where to put rocks, plants, etc.). Here’s one goal: In Seattle, 70% native plants/30% non-native plants is the percentage to have native critters (bugs, butterflies, etc.) stay in your yard year round. That’s my fun thing I can keep working on to keep for a lifetime. Here’s to your muse.
pieceofpeace
@Deputinize Eurasia from the Kuriles to St Petersburg: Best of fortune and some tasty, good food in the near future!
stinger
@Cheryl from Maryland:
This is a timely post for me personally. I’m sorry John was driven to write it, but it’s so full of truth. We don’t give each other space to express or even have negative emotions. Which places an even greater burden on the person who is already struggling.
Eyeroller
Like Bodacious and Cheryl from Maryland, I lost my husband relatively recently, in my case a little over a year ago. We were in our early-mid 60s. I am not really “OK.” Or perhaps I could say that I’m “OK” because I am stumbling along and managing, but I am not “good” and I may never be “good” again. I feel like some of the cultural norms such as allowing one year to grieve actually represent pressure to have that limited time and then you should be all better, so I’d agree it’s not unique to American culture in either time or space to have expectations.
I lost my parents long ago so I had some experience, but nothing, except probably losing a child, compares to losing a longtime partner. The person who was integral to your daily life for decades. In addition to the immense loss of emotional support and companionship, my life is objectively worse now. Loss of most of the household income (though I have enough). Loss of another set of hands to help with tasks and chores. I also have eye issues (part of the reason for my nym) so when I need surgery (which I may require again in the not too distant future) I have no built-in support. Also the destruction of my hopes for at least a few years of an enjoyable retirement. So yes, some things just cannot be fixed.
And of course I sympathize with Mr. Cole, but I think I can empathize with his friend Brian.
PaulB
I usually just reply “fair to middlin'” when asked how I’m doing. It’s an innocuous response that they can interpret as they wish.
I’ve been on both sides of the “fix it” issue. In my younger days, I was firmly convinced that I could help others and I would, on occasion, try to do so. It took some years as a manager, plus a stint in Al-Anon, to really hammer it home that no, I really don’t have any special expertise in this area and that I was likely doing more harm than good, despite my good intentions. In the Al-Anon case, I was actually harming myself by trying to “fix” an alcoholic roommate/best friend.
The message really got hammered home when I went through a bad patch myself and a few well-meaning friends kept trying to fix things, including one friend who barged in to my home and insisted that we go out for a night on the town to “make you feel better.” I’m a very private, extremely introverted person, and there are only one or two people who are welcome to show up to my home uninvited. That individual was not on the list and I ended up having to be borderline rude to get them to go the fuck away and leave me alone.
prostratedragon
@UncleEbeneezer: Pretty sure I’ve heard this — no spotify app at the moment. Mehldau is pretty exciting live, from other recordings I’ve heard.
pieceofpeace
Some other commentors have mentioned the value of this post and I agree as well. The experiences and thoughts on perspectives are being kept, to reread when wanted as I traverse toward old-older age. Still learning and yep, I love that, even when it’s very tough to do at times.
Giving everyone the freedom and respect to choose how they want to live their life resonates to me as I do that for my own, with, at worst, minimal harm to anyone who persists aggressively. No disagreement from me at silently turning away from harm being imposed.
And dropping expectations of myself and others is a valuable constant. So is the acceptance of mistakes.
munira
@West of the Rockies: Sartre said that – l’enfer est les autres.
chrisanthemama
@West of the Rockies: It was Sartre, but I say it often enough myself.
Ruckus
@Cjcat:
I live in a seniors complex. Have to be 55 or older, which from my vantage of 73, doesn’t seem that old. But the majority of folks here are 65 and up, the majority retired, including me, I retired just over a year ago. So every once in a while we lose someone, which is the most common reason an apartment opens up. It is what it is, most of us know we are on the downhill side of things, and we enjoy every day as much as possible. Some younger than me have less than great outlooks and some older than me aren’t quitting until forced. I fall into the second group. Give it all you’ve got because you only get one life. A cousin lasted 6 months, my mom 95 yrs. You never know what is around the corner and I agree with you, make the best of every day.
Ruckus
@The Moar You Know:
“Im the one dealing with it and it doesn’t scare me at all. It is what it is. I’m frankly lucky to be alive.”
Had to repeat that, it is in my opinion the basis for life, whatever good or bad has befallen you, there are no guarantees.
LiminalOwl
@Ruckus: I’m probably too late again, but oh, thank you. This is beautiful, and I will save and savor it.
And thanks to all for the wisdom in this thread. As a therapist, I often struggle with how best to support the grieving, and you have helped me .
Ruckus
@LiminalOwl:
Thank you.
When I was a mental health counselor I struggled with that as well, and I think that everyone who gives it any thought, does the same. There are no “good” words, grief is something most all of us feel at some point and what I found was just ask, “What can I do for you?” Often the answer is nothing, sometimes it’s simple, sometimes it is just listen. Like everything else complicated and with no really good answer, offer help, give what you can and let them deal the best they can, because we all greave, even if we try to act like we don’t.
A woman from anywhere (formerly Mohagan)
@West of the Rockies: Maybe she did, but I know for sure that was the point of Sartre’s play No Exit
ETA: Of course Alison Rose got there long before me at #6
The Lodger
@lowtechcyclist: so the inhabitants are sitting in open windows unless they’re… otherwise engaged. Sounds like either kind of cat house to me.
Zelma
When asked “How are you?” I reply with an old family saying: “Able to be about.” Sort of sums things up for me.
am
You’re a good guy, John Cole. I’m glad you started this website, and I’ve had a chance to lurker here for almost 20 years. Being kind to others seems like the best way to stumble through whatever all this is. Be well.
Princess
I think you’re already a really kind person already, John. You are experiencing a terrible grief but when you saw I was too, you reached out to me with words of kindness. And your act inspired/encouraged me in turn to be better to the people around me. I don’t think you or anyone else will see this because this thread must be completely dead, but I wanted to say it.
Gretchen
@Princess: I’m glad John was helpful when you needed it.
seaboogie
John – I am rarely on this blog anymore (have the Twitter ADHD), but I keep you in my heart every day, and give consideration to the nature of your loss. Like everyone here…so much love and support and community.
Grief is the hardest, most soul-opening experience we will ever know. And nobody knows what to say – even fellow travelers – because we cannot fix the unfixable. Mostly, I think, the best we can do is check in; are you sleeping, are you eating…let’s go grab a bite, or can I make you a cup of tea?
You are forever changed now, and it won’t always hurt as much as it does today, but you will always remember and keep good, deep feelings.
Bodacious
@Eyeroller: I’m so sorry this is days late, but if you return I want to say…….I know what you mean. I am living that as well. It’s not just that a person is gone – it’s that OUR life (as we knew it) is gone.
And that whole – 1 year is magical- thing. It’s the expectation that others place that makes it just a little worse. But, worse it could be. We are here, we are trudging forward, and sometimes, the sunrise still looks beautiful. It ain’t easy.