Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Black Jesus loves a paper trail.

Republicans do not trust women.

You passed on an opportunity to be offended? What are you even doing here?

Too often we hand the biggest microphones to the cynics and the critics who delight in declaring failure.

It’s a good piece. click on over. but then come back!!

Tide comes in. Tide goes out. You can’t explain that.

It is not hopeless, and we are not helpless.

It may be funny to you motherfucker, but it’s not funny to me.

Boeing: repeatedly making the case for high speed rail.

Democracy cannot function without a free press.

A norm that restrains only one side really is not a norm – it is a trap.

Whatever happens next week, the fight doesn’t end.

Wow, you are pre-disappointed. How surprising.

Find someone who loves you the way trump and maga love traitors.

If you are still in the gop, you are either an extremist yourself, or in bed with those who are.

This isn’t Democrats spending madly. This is government catching up.

My right to basic bodily autonomy is not on the table. that’s the new deal.

There are consequences to being an arrogant, sullen prick.

I have other things to bitch about but those will have to wait.

… pundit janitors mopping up after the gop

I’d hate to be the candidate who lost to this guy.

It’s easy to sit in safety and prescribe what other people should be doing.

One lie, alone, tears the fabric of reality.

There are more Russians standing up to Putin than Republicans.

You are here: Home / John Cole Presents "This Fucking Old House" / New Sunglasses

New Sunglasses

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I hate the fact that my new sunglasses make me look like I should be in my pickup truck making angry videos about critical race theory, but man are they dark and super comfortable.

New Sunglasses

These sunglasses want to fly a “Let’s go Brandon” flag.
These sunglasses put raisins in potato salad.
These sunglasses pulled you over for a broken taillight and smelled weed in your car.
These sunglasses don’t season their chicken breasts.
These sunglasses don’t moisturize.
These sunglasses stormed the Capitol on 6 January.
These sunglasses think covid is a hoax.
These sunglasses don’t understand why they can’t say that word but rappers use it all the time
These sunglasses love chick-fil-a.
These sunglasses are just asking questions.
These sunglasses think if you don’t love America you should leave it.
These sunglasses frequently say “we’re a constitutional republic not a democracy”
These sunglasses listen to joe rogan.
These sunglasses have strong opinions about who should play women’s high school sports.
These sunglasses are looking into buying a cybertruck.

What do you think these sunglasses do?

Reader Interactions

180Comments

  1. 1.

    Suzanne

    These sunglasses take selfies in their F-150s (they’re underwater on it, BTW) and then put them on their dating app profiles. They also send dick pics.

  3. 3.

    scav

    Those sunglasses know that Biden’s poor debate performance caused the fall of Fort Sumpter.

  4. 4.

    Old Dan and Little Ann

    I have a pair of similar shades in my car and my wife’s car.  If Dark Brandon can wear them so can I.

  5. 5.

    BigJimSlade

    You lost me at raisins in potato salad. Also, for the record, potato salad should be in the germanic vinegar style

    I mean, I see these sunglasses aren’t very reliable in their opinions/actions, but just sayin’.

  6. 6.

    Uncle Jeffy

    Those sunglasses don’t do any of those things. Their wearer, on the other hand, could do any and all of them. But I don’t think the model does them.

  8. 8.

    Gvg

    Biden wears sunglasses, so I wouldn’t worry about it. Probably help if you smile. Can you smirk? Put a bumper sticker of Joe in his corvette on your vehicle. Or if not, how about an animal rescue group?

    You are old enough not to care anyway. I think wanting to be able to see while driving is pretty universal.

  10. 10.

    Mike E

    Those sunglasses want to wash your Trans Am Subaru, shirtless, while blasting Freebird

  15. 15.

    Geminid

    @Suzanne: These guys also send pics of themselves holding stringers of fish. But the fish are always Bass, and discerning women know it’s Walleye or fuck off!

  16. 16.

    Martin

    I hate the fact that my new sunglasses make me look like I should be in my pickup truck making angry videos about critical race theory

    Not the sunglasses, my dude. But they look good on you.

  20. 20.

    Lacuna Synecdoche

    John Cole @ Top:

    What do you think these sunglasses do?

    These sunglasses collect Grateful Dead bootlegs.

  24. 24.

    LanceThruster

    Listening to Joe Rogan would be a good thing. Different points of view and not automatically rejected. Think of some of the more academic guests he’s hosted. If you want to do guilt by association, anyone who’s interviewed Kissinger is a monster. Colbert did a silly loving tribute to him.

    But yeah… ROGAN! GRRR!””

    For the record, I enjoyed his long form style, but never created a Spotify account to keep listening. Maybe when I get my PW probs resolved.

    And the GOP folks I know are quite adept with the seasonings. I hope we can at least all agree that German potato salad is an abomination.

  25. 25.

    wmd

    Those sunglasses are not going to keep the wind out of your eyes when riding a motorcycle.

  27. 27.

    Hamlet of Melnibone

    @Geminid: Bass are fun to catch, but there is no reason not to release them.  They aren’t very good eating.  Bluegill are better tasting and they are endless, whereas harvesting Bass will hurt the fishing pretty quick.

  29. 29.

    Bruce K in ATH-GR

    @Gvg:

    Biden wears sunglasses, so I wouldn’t worry about it.

    This. Those sunglasses eat ice cream, drive a Corvette, and have no patience with malarkey. Wear ’em with pride, and to hell with any Trumpist who thinks they’re looking at a fellow traveler.

  32. 32.

    Suzanne

    Those sunglasses pair well with a fedora. Those sunglasses grew a beard to disguise a weak chin. Those sunglasses wonder why nobody wants to work anymore. Those sunglasses are looking for a godly wife who wants to serve her husband.

  33. 33.

    Omnes Omnibus

    Wayfarers would have made you look like the drummer from a jazz fusion group.  Would that have been better?

  34. 34.

    Chris Johnson

    Those sunglasses wear their own sunglasses. At night.

    So they can so they can. :)

  38. 38.

    narya

    Those glasses don’t wear a mask (unless they’re storming the capitol, and then it’s a flag or camo balaclava).

    ETA fixed autoincorrect

  39. 39.

    CaseyL

    I think they make you look like you’re about to point a funny-looking pen at me and make me forget I ever saw a UFO full of aliens cruising the street.

  40. 40.

    piratedan

    those glasses are made for walkin’

    and that’s what they’re gonna do

    one of these days these glasses are gonna walk all over you….

  42. 42.

    The Moar You Know

    Just how big is your head, Cole?  Holy crap, I think you must take a size 9 in hats.

  43. 43.

    Suzanne

    @Sister Golden Bear: I have gold aviators, I feel that they are semiotically liberal. Oakleys, OTOH….. pure incel.

    The dudes who wear the baseball cap backwards and then put the Oakleys on backwards over the brim of the cap….. just blows my mind. (In a bad way.)

  44. 44.

    karen marie

    Maybe I don’t get out enough but I think you look very cool in those sunglasses, John Cole.

  49. 49.

    Suzanne

    Apparently Burgum and Rubio are officially out. It’s gonna be Vance, isn’t it? Oh gross.

    ETA: talk about growing a beard to hide a weak chin.

  51. 51.

    Mousebumples

    @Suzanne: I still wonder if Ivanka or something will be the pick. Trump/Trump on those signs… Unconditional loyalty, etc.

    Re – sunglasses, I agree that they show you’re ridin with Biden.

  53. 53.

    Omnes Omnibus

    @Suzanne: Oakleys are fine if you are actually doing something outdoorsy or athletic.  Like athletic clothing or cammo, they belong in their proper place.  Outside of it, they are a warning sign.

  55. 55.

    Suzanne

    @Omnes Omnibus: Sure. But, like, most of us just have one pair of sunglasses that we wear for everything. Oakleys look deeply silly outside of their context.

  57. 57.

    Llelldorin

    Like a lot of glasses on middle-aged white guys like us, those glasses pierce the veil between parallel universes just enough to scare the living shit out of us at how very nearby the universe probably is where there’s a red hat up top.

  58. 58.

    RepubAnon

    When sunglasses are outlawed, only outlaws will wear sunglasses. To the tune of David Allen Coe’s Long Haired Redneck.

  62. 62.

    JWR

    @Suzanne:

    It’s gonna be Vance, isn’t it?

    Yeah. NBC just did one of their big, bold, ‘somebody important died’ screens to tell us that it is indeed Vance.

  63. 63.

    May

    These sunglasses think “keep your laws off my body” is about seatbelts and helmets.

  67. 67.

    Suzanne

    Vance should try to keep in mind that Trump kinda-sorta tried to have his last VP killed.

  68. 68.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @May:

    These sunglasses think “keep your laws off my body” is about seatbelts and helmets.

    And vaccines!!!

     

    ETA: UGH. Just turned on the news. J. D. Vance. Ugh ugh ugh. Also yuck.

  70. 70.

    Omnes Omnibus

    @Suzanne: I tend not to lose or break sunglasses so I still own some from as far back as 1984.  I do have two pairs that I currently wear a lot.  Tortoiseshell Wayfarers and a pair of inexpensive black ones for bike riding, playing in the woods, etc.  I chose the black ones because they bore no resemblance to Oakleys but were lightweight and polarized.

  75. 75.

    KayInMD (formerly Kay (not the front-pager))

    @Mike E:

    Those sunglasses want to wash your Trans Am Subaru, shirtless, while blasting Freebird

    I was thinking Grateful Dead, but same same.

  77. 77.

    JWR

    @Chris Johnson: Well, I just heard Tommy Potatohead Tubbs say that 1) J.D.’s not a politician, and 2) he speaks his mind.

    Now that that’s cleared up, I’m off to answer other deeply thoughtful questions. ;)

  78. 78.

    japa21

    Let’s see.

     

    Vance has stated in the past that he never liked Trump, called Trump an idiot, refused to vote for Trump in 2016.

    Could get interesting.

  80. 80.

    trollhattan

    @John Cole: they had to special order my hats in the army.

    That must have pissed off a few Radar O’Riellys.

    The shades are fine, if evocative of the ’80s. I didn’t get contacts until I was a growed-up adult person and ever since I’ve been a sunglasses junkie. REAL sunglasses compared to frickin’ clip-ons or prescription ones are just vastly better. IDK how many I own but like guitars (so I’m told) there can never be enough.

    Let’s ask the experts.

    Now go out and get yourself
    Some thick black frames
    With the glass so dark
    They won’t even know your name
    And the choice is up to you
    Cause they come in two classes
    Rhinestone shades
    And cheap sunglasses
    Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah

  84. 84.

    comrade scotts agenda of rage

    @The Moar You Know:

    Looks like those glasses are going to last three weeks before they break at the nosepiece.

    Given the ZZ Top reference above, I hope they’re cheap.  If you’re like us, all you do is constantly lose/break them so cheap is the way to go.

    Observation on sunglasses: CO mountain recreation has always been a competition between certain groups that often break down along political lines and this goes back to when I was first here in the mid-70s.

    One one side, you’ve got the gentrifying white professionals who have flocked here over the last dozen years and their outdoor experience is largely what the hippies of my generation were about: hiking, backpacking, etc.  To them the REI store downtown is literally St Peter’s Basilica to that approach to outdoor recreation.  You can’t find a pair of sunglasses in there for less than $300.

    One the other side, drive out to a Cabelas or Bass Pro that dot the Front Range, similar outdoor ethos only the emphasis is on hunting, fishing, ATV-ing, etc.  One commonality? The price of sunglasses, you can’t find a pair in any of those stores for less than $300.

    An actual example of both-siderism. :P

  85. 85.

    apocalipstick

    Nah, the angry video sunglasses are Oakley wraparounds.

    Those sunglasses have Goose as a wingman.

  86. 86.

    RandomMonster

    These sunglasses and this beard have a fuzzy guitar and get their money for nothing and their chicks for free.

    EDIT: Dang, late for the ZZ reference.

  88. 88.

    Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)

    @Suzanne:

    I’m ashamed Ohio ever voted for him for Senate. What experience does this guy even have in politics? He hasn’t even been a US Senator for a full term. Pretty sure he hasn’t had any previous elected office experience either

  91. 91.

    El Cruzado

    Those sunglasses have strong opinions about several long-running popular sci-fi franchises.

  92. 92.

    Ksmiami

    @Goku (aka Amerikan Baka): he was a suck up at a hedge fund and wrote a really bad book. That’s it. I’m not sure he brings anything to the table. Haley would have scared me more but Trumps a sexist pig so….

  93. 93.

    rikyrah

    @Suzanne:

    Apparently Burgum and Rubio are officially out. It’s gonna be Vance, isn’t it? Oh gross.

     

    Isn’t Vance the one that said women should stay in abusive relationships to keep the marriage together?

  94. 94.

    comrade scotts agenda of rage

    Vance is deep in the Peter Thiel circle.  This is probably a mercenary attempt to gain access to the billionaire’s wallet.

  96. 96.

    trollhattan

    @Goku (aka Amerikan Baka): He has all the poli experience of an escalator-descending Trump in 2016. IOW “perfect.”

    “No more politics as usual!”

    Excuse me, can I please have some usual politics for a change?

  97. 97.

    M31

    Dems should just repeat these 3 and only these 3 things about Vance:

    1. remind me what happened to Mike Pence?

    2. Vance called Trump a dangerous idiot in 2016 what does Trump think about that?

    3. Vance argued against rape and incest exceptions for abortion just a few years ago

    that’s plenty, rub it in, simple message

  99. 99.

    Mandarama

    @Omnes Omnibus: My youngest son was a high school baseball pitcher up until his recent graduation. He had Oakleys for the field, but informed us he needed a *different* pair of sunglasses for driving, vacation, etc.

    When I sensibly asked what was wrong with his expensive! Oakley sunglasses, he said “If you’re wearing those off the field, you look like a douchebag. I don’t want to look like a douchebag.”

    I really couldn’t argue with him.

  100. 100.

    Captain C

    @japa21:

    Vance has stated in the past that he never liked Trump, called Trump an idiot, refused to vote for Trump in 2016.

    Perhaps not the Biden Campaign itself, but an allied PAC or Super PAC could run ads with direct quotes (and video if they can get it) from Vance saying how awful TCFG is on shows TCFG is likely to watch.  That would make things very interesting indeed.

    Also, if the press (with a few notable exceptions) wasn’t so blatantly in the tank for TCFG, they could ask a few innocent questions along these lines, of both.  “J.D., previously you said TCFG was an idiot and you would not vote for him.  Why did you flip-flop on this issue?”

  101. 101.

    kindness

    The sun glasses are cool.  Aviators.  They were a thing when I was growing up.  Everybody was wearing them.

    I want to know about the blue tie dye.  Are you back on the bus (so to speak)?  Go to a Sphere show John.  You’ve got 3 more weekends.  You won’t regret it.

  102. 102.

    Captain C

    @Suzanne: While making dozens of plans to get rid of his boss (one way or another) that he’ll never actually execute.

  106. 106.

    Mai Naem mobile

    I don’t know who this woman presiding over the RNC today but her botox has messed up the left side of her face near her lips. Either they overbotoxed or the botox needle hit the wrong area.

  108. 108.

    Suzanne

    @Mandarama:

    When I sensibly asked what was wrong with his expensive! Oakley sunglasses, he said “If you’re wearing those off the field, you look like a douchebag. I don’t want to look like a douchebag.”

    I really couldn’t argue with him.

    Smart.

  110. 110.

    Captain C

    @Ksmiami: I didn’t read it (though I did read Appalachian Reckoning: A Region Responds to Hillbilly Elegy), but didn’t JD essentially underbus his family in his book?  Maybe that sort of thing looks good to TCFG, who has generally shat on his family his whole life.

  111. 111.

    Princess

    They can reuse their old “Trump Pence” signs. Just get a sharpie and change the Pe to Va.

    Am I the only one who finds it odd he found two with such similar names? I bet he like how they sound with Trump.

  117. 117.

    Ksmiami

    @Captain C: pretty much- he’s actually a fairly mediocre pick in my view. It’ll be easy to show that both of them are a bridge to nowhere

  118. 118.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @Captain C:

    I do believe Attorney General MVP Harris is going to eat him for breakfast at the VP debate. That’ll be fun.

    Also, VANCE and PENCE (hmmmm, V-P) are only different by two letters.

  119. 119.

    Steve in the ATL

    @Suzanne:

    The dudes who wear the baseball cap backwards and then put the Oakleys on backwards over the brim of the cap….. just blows my mind. (In a bad way.)

    Wife and I have this same issue! WTF?!

    @japa21:

    Vance has stated in the past that he never liked Trump, called Trump an idiot, refused to vote for Trump in 2016.

    So he’s just like us!

     

    @comrade scotts agenda of rage: yeah, that REI flagship store is freaking awesome!

  120. 120.

    Mai Naem mobile

    Arizona’s delegation just had the woman who threatened to lynch the Maricopa County recorder(a Republican) announce the delegates for Arizona. This was followed by the NC gubernatorial candidate who has said some people just need killing. Real change of tone here.

  127. 127.

    Another Scott

    @japa21: Indeed.

    (Twitter version.)

    I’m remembering the stories that he wanted to back out of picking Pence once he supposedly decided on him (with Manafort’s help)….

    I don’t imagine too many people are going, “well I didn’t really like TCFFG very much, but now that he picked JD, well, I’m all in!!11”

    :-/

    Cheers,
    Scott.

  129. 129.

    lowtechcyclist

    @LanceThruster:

    If you want to do guilt by association, anyone who’s interviewed Kissinger is a monster. Colbert did a silly loving tribute to him.

    How about someone who said Kissinger was a friend of theirs?  I think that would be worse than merely interviewing him.  After all, an interviewer potentially could have asked Kissinger some pointed questions about his role in sabotaging LBJ’s Vietnam peace initiative in the fall of 1968. (Fuck LBJ anyway, but fuck Nixon and Kissinger even more.)

  130. 130.

    M31

    well damn, that sews up the dumbass low quality white guy vote, Biden is doomed I tell you doomed

  132. 132.

    NeenerNeener

    @Captain C: Don’t be too sure that he won’t execute those plans to get rid of the boss. Of the handful of candidates for Trump’s VP, Vance is voted most likely to make sure Trump doesn’t finish his term.

  134. 134.

    comrade scotts agenda of rage

    Nice to see state-level candidates for office make pointed statements about the Hillbilly Jester:

    Even more embarrassing is seeing JD Vance picked as Trump’s vice president, a man who once called Trump “America’s Hitler.” The last bit of truth he spoke. In his campaign for senator, Vance shamelessly flipped every value he once held dear to get what he wanted. His political opportunism is a stark reminder of the lengths some will go to for power, sacrificing integrity and principles along the way. We must remember these actions and hold our leaders accountable.- Jamie Hough, candidate for OH state rep HD-69

    twitter.com/JamieHough_Ohio/status/1812936102497366334

  138. 138.

    3Sice

    Doubling down on the Ohio Valley, “American” ethnicity vote? I guess helps in PA, but yeah, they need the money.

    Do you believe it was the campaign’s first option?

  139. 139.

    TBone

    These sunglasses empty the swimming pool into the server room, right after they move some boxes.

  142. 142.

    lowtechcyclist

    @JWR:

    Yeah. NBC just did one of their big, bold, ‘somebody important died’ screens to tell us that it is indeed Vance.

    I think I may despise Vance even more than Trump.  Trump’s a dry run to see if we’re ready to be suckers for the Antichrist. Vance is Gollum with a degree.

  143. 143.

    Suzanne

    I wonder if Ron Howard, Glenn Close, Amy Adams, etc…… will look in retrospect on their choice to make that shit-pile of a movie and what they did to elevate that schmuck’s profile and feel badly.

  151. 151.

    Elizabelle

    @Suzanne:  I wonder too.  Although:  when Trump-Vance loses, we can call it Hillbilly Eulogy.

    Vance is Hillbilly Opportunist, no?

  152. 152.

    Captain C

    Those sunglasses say “I am going to Noodles at Cactus Jack’s in Ahwatukee this Sunday and I’m bringing my best weed!”

  159. 159.

    ChrisSherbak

    We clearly run around in different circles.

    These sunglasses want to go buy some leather chaps & vest, engineer boots and a muir cap.

    I’ll be in my room.

  160. 160.

    MisterForkbeard

    @M31: Reassures big business and Peter Thiel, I guess?

    Really, I think that’s it. If Trump kicks it they’ll have a corporate Thiel-owned stooge in office.

  162. 162.

    BCHS Class of 1980

    Those sunglasses on that face are also not working on The Winds Of Winter.

  169. 169.

    SoupCatcher

    @Princess:

    They can reuse their old “Trump Pence” signs. Just get a sharpie and change the Pe to Va.

    I love this.
    Need someone like Lalo Alcaraz or Mike Luckovich to draw a cartoon of Trump as a sweatshop boss with a bunch of kids sewing the “Va” patches on apparel.

  171. 171.

    cain

    Sorry got to adapt a ZZ top song:

    🎶 He’s got cats.. he knows how to choose them. They never beg, cuz he knows how to feed them.

    There’s his babes, there is babes, critters alright🎶

     

     

  175. 175.

    Mark von Wisco

    What kind of monster would even think of putting raisins in potato salad!

    I wish I joking. The very idea makes me a little nauseous.

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