“If you want to understand any woman, you must first ask about her mother and listen carefully.”
— Anita Diamant, The Red Tent
In her acceptance speech at the Democratic National Convention, Kamala Harris talked about her mom, explaining how being raised by the formidable Dr. Shyamala Gopalan Harris shaped her world view and continues to inform her decision-making today.
Mother Jones reporter Nina Martin, then with a different publication, had lunch with Dr. Harris 17 years ago as part of a profile on Kamala Harris, who was then running for reelection as district attorney in San Francisco:
Everyone told me, if you truly want to understand who Kamala Harris is and how she got that way, you need to talk to her mother. I wrangled a meeting with Dr. Harris, then a researcher at Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory.
Everyone was right. The piece at MJ isn’t paywalled; here’s a link. Also, a short excerpt:
“Shyamala Gopalan Harris did not believe in coddling. Pay her daughters, Kamala and Maya, an allowance for doing chores? “For what? I give you food. I give you rent,” scoffed the woman who would someday launch a million coconut memes. “If you do the dishes, you should get two dollars? You ate from the damn dishes!” Reward the future vice president of the United States—and possible future president—for getting decent grades? Ridiculous. “What does that tell you?” her mother chided as if I had disagreed. (I didn’t.) “It says, ‘You know, I really thought you were stupid. Oh, you surprised Mommy!’ No.”
When the breast cancer researcher and single mother had to work in her lab on the weekends, her daughters went with her, like it or not. “I’m not going to get a babysitter,” Dr. Harris laughed…”
Go read the whole thing. It’s heart-warming and also sad because you can see why the vice president misses her mom so much. It’s too bad Dr. Harris didn’t live to see her eldest daughter win her party’s nomination.
Every family is different, but so many of us owe who we are to our moms. I grew up in a very different place and culture, but Dr. Harris’s no-nonsense and brusque style reminds me a lot of my mother, who was a hardworking nurse and single mom who refused to suffer fools (or raise any). She’s been gone 10 years now, and I miss her every single day.
Open thread.
Baud
Now you have me tearing up about my mom. I hope you’re happy.
Westyny
Everyone with supportive, but not coddling parents can relate. Thinking about my own parents with immense gratitude.
lamh47
Thanks for the article link Betty
laura
I miss my mother so much. She expected 100% effort and paid scant attention to outcome. I admire Kamala Harris’s mothers dedication to her children’s resourcefulness. I wish she were alive to see the accomplishments of her daughters, but I understand that we may not have the chance to see the tree from the acorn planted. Respect!
TBone
I too have a Mom-size hole in my heart every day. But Mom would want me to laugh, not cry. She’d try to make me laugh if she were here right now. And succeed!
And she thought coddling was for baby animals, not human children.
wjca
Chores (stuff you are expected to do “because you live here”) are extremely important when raising adults. That is, kids that you want to become responsible adults.
Just for openers, you learn responsibility from being responsible for something. It doesn’t have to be something onerous or time consuming. Just something that you are expected to do, to remember to do without constant reminders, regularly.
I suspect that one of the reasons that so many children of wealth turn out the way they do is a lack of that growing up. Their parents could have given them chores. But if you “have people for that” for everything, it’s a mental leap to carve out chores for the kids.
What Have The Romans Ever Done for Us?
I’m a man but I guarantee you I got what patience, forbearance and compassion I possess from my mom because I sure as hell didn’t get it from my dad. He has his better qualities but patience was not one of them and he was and is pretty hypercritical.
Michael Bersin
I was lucky enough to have a mother with similar views on living life. Small in stature, and a freakin’ powerhouse.
Capri
My mother passed many years ago, but to this day I’ll see something I know she’d like – a brightly colored scarf, a book on birds – and my first thought is that I should tell her about it. I don’t think that’s ever going to leave me.
eclare
@wjca:
My mom never wanted a dishwasher, so growing up I washed and/or dried tons of dishes. To this day I still detest it, even though I have a dishwasher.
Chacal Charles Calthrop
We’ll never know how much the authoritarian impulse that leads people in the opposite directioncomes from bad parenting, leading to a lifelong craving for security, and how much from genetic flaws.
Jeffro
Thanks Betty – great share!
As everyone here is no doubt more than aware, my RWNJ dad has been a perpetual disappointment and general waste of time. But my mom ‘gets’ that despite our differences politically, I still live the values that I learned while helping her teach Sunday school lo’ those many years ago. She’ll come around. ;)
zhena gogolia
I thought this about Obama too, how sad his mother didn’t get to see it. And didn’t his grandmother die around the time he won NC?
lamh47
Speaking of mothers.
I’m officially changing my work schedule to four 10 1/2 hr days instead of five 8 1/2 hrs days. That way I can have every Monday off and a 4 day weekend every weekend!!! Def makes it easy to travel if I need to. Which is especially important if I need to travel to see my mom, especially after her stroke. She’s doing well, but she’s been feeling depressed cause she get’s tired more quickly than she used to. So if I can swing it, I’ll try a monthly, or bimonthly visit when/if I can.
BR
@wjca:
Naive question as someone who is in the midst of figuring out what chores to give my elementary school kid. Tried a year ago but most chores (taking out trash, loading washer, other cleaning) were too difficult. What do you think are in the sweet spot of 1) doable by a kid and 2) challenging enough that it teaches responsibility?
Jeffro
@lamh47: You’ll be amazed at how it improves your life!
Back when I worked in schools, we would switch to four 10-hour days as soon as the students were out for the summer. Totally awesome. =)
(I once offered to my superintendent to work two 20-hour days..he was like, “Fro…” <shakes head> )
LOL
but seriously! Think of the customer service possibilities for those two days! “Our lines are open from 4am-midnight, parents!” “But only on Monday and Tuesday!”
Betty Cracker
@lamh47: I bet that would mean the world to her.
Darkrose
@lamh47: Sounds like a great idea; glad you can do that. Does she live far?
comrade scotts agenda of rage
Back in the 60s, being a single mom always seemed to be rare, at least that’s my memory of it.
Flash forward all these years and it’s amazing how many people I meet who were raised by a single mom and we all seem to share traits.
No allowance (“We can’t afford it, you want money, go get a job”…she said to 11-year-old me who then started delivering papers–how quaint–), latch key kid given an enormous amount of freedom and responsibility that went along with it. I was schlepping to the laundry mat across a busy street and several blocks away, alone, when I was 8. I only half-jokingly tell people I was raised by a single she-wolf. She didn’t say it in so many words but it was basically “you’re on your own to an extent, don’t fuck it up or there will be hell to pay when you get home.” You learn a lot of responsibility at an early age with a parent like that often working two jobs.
We moved a lot. I went to different schools in the 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th and 10th grade, no military kid had a more peripatetic existence than me during that time frame.
Mom had a high school education but as far back as I can remember, she drilled into me the value of learning and education and while she couldn’t afford to give me a dime to go to college, I never felt like I wasn’t otherwise supported.
She was no nonsense probably to a fault. Late 60s on a trip to pick up somebody at Dulles, two dudes cut her off on the way out. They pulled up at the terminal to wait for whoever. She pulled up a bit away, got out of the car, went up to them and gave them 5 minutes of loud, incredible shit that frightened them so much, they got in their car and drove off. All in front of me at maybe 7-8. She came back, got in the car and just smiled.
She loved my wife. In fact, my wife’s relationship with her MIL was a thousand times better than her relationship with her Mom. Sometimes I think that was Mom’s best gift to me over 56 years, her wonderful relationship with my wife.
Darkrose
@BR: It’s been a very long time, but I think my early chores were things like, “Put your clean clothes away,” and “Feed the dog” (easy because he ate dry food). Also vacuuming because I really really wanted to do it because machine that I could pretend was a dragon!
…look, I was a weird kid.
BR
@Darkrose:
Ah, good ones, thanks.
Suzanne
Considering that Spawn the Youngest starts kindergarten on Thursday, I don’t know if this is the right time to read this.
lamh47
@Darkrose: She’s back in NOLA.
Being in SF, I was finding it hard to get time off on Mondays since I’m new and not enough time off.
It was good for Friday evenings, but since the distance is longer…Mondays were harder.
This way, I don’t have to take time off AND I don’t have to bring along my “work computer” cause I’m off. The best thing about working for the government, when you’re off, YOU ARE OFF. Ain’t nobody really going online for work stuff once that Friday clock hits and if they are off!
Steve LaBonne
It’s very sad that her mother isn’t around to see her become President. But also sad that her father doesn’t seem to care.
lamh47
@Betty Cracker: Haven’t told her that yet…I’m going home this weekend for Labor day (great being off!).
Gonna tell her then.
Almost Retired
I had very different chores than most children, but that’s because I grew up in a funeral home. But Dr. Harris very much sounds like an extraordinary woman who was ahead of her time.
Eduardo
Damn, what a precious gift from life to have such a mom. I feel slightly more optimistic MVP will win this one after reading this. (I think that if she has nerves of steel she wins, otherwise we are f**ed.)
eclare
@BR:
Making the bed?
Belafon
Having met people from all different kinds of families, it’s not the weird “why would I give my kids an allowance?” thing, it’s the parents showing what a work ethic looks like that’s important.
eclare
@comrade scotts agenda of rage:
What a sweet tribute.
rikyrah
@lamh47:
Yeah , lamh!👏🏾👏🏾
gene108
@wjca:
I think chores are over rated. I’ve seen kids raised with a schedule of chores and those without, and they’ve all turned out fine.
SatanicPanic
@BR: I liked to just get my son to do stuff with me. Like, let’s do this thing together. Could be cleaning, or fixing something. I never really assigned him anything. Once he was older I would ask him to do things and he’d do them. I didn’t want to make chores seem like chores; they’re things that need to be done but they’re not inherently unpleasant things to do. Maybe I’m crazy but doing dishes or laundry are kind of fun.
rikyrah
It’s been16 years since my mother passed. The ache never goes away. But, the early part of this year, I missed her more than I have had in years. 😢😢 Just so strong, the longing.
BR
@SatanicPanic:
Ah, good idea. Though it’s so much less fun than playing video games or whatever that I need to figure out a motivator…
Elizabelle
@Suzanne: Wow! That has gone rapidly. For us, anyway.
gene108
I really want to meet Shyamala’s parents, Gopalan and Sharada.
Shyamala’s the same generation as my parents.
I cannot for the life of me imagine my grandparents letting a daughter go to study abroad at 20 years old, by herself, and then be cool with her marrying a Jamaican man and then getting divorced.
Unimaginable people to me.
FastEdD
Thanks for this Betty! It makes all of us think of our Moms. Both of my folks passed on years ago, but my fondest memory was when I won a teacher of the year award. Not because of the award, but because they made a big fuss at the school board and both of my parents were there. If you win something, don’t talk about yourself, and I didn’t. I got to give a speech about where my parents were from and how they raised me, and to thank them profusely. In front of them, but not saying their names so they wouldn’t be embarrassed. Not many people get to show their folks that they turned out alright and to thank them in public. I did and I’m so grateful. And my Mom’s name was Betty.
wjca
@eclare: Clearly, for you, washing dishes constituted an “onerous” chore. The thing is, onerous chores tend to result in negative reinforcement. Better, if possible, go with something like “set the table for dinner.” Hard to find that repulsive.
SatanicPanic
@BR: I don’t know. I think when you’re in the habit of doing things together kids tend to be like, oh ok yeah I can pick up LEGOs with you. With my son it was usually just me and him, so he didn’t have much else going on. And it didn’t always work. Parenting is a challenge!
gene108
@Steve LaBonne:
He lost custody rights in the divorce, because courts back then, and may be still do, favor awarding custody to the mother.
I’ve known several divorced men who feel their ex freezes them out of their child’s life.
Dr. Donald Harris, from what I have read about him seems like perfectly decent person.
I just think circumstances being what they were and are, he and his daughters are not close.
Ksmiami
@BR: setting and clearing the dinner table, cleaning kids bathroom once a week
SFBayAreaGal
My mom has been gone for 14 years now. I miss her so much. She was my best friend.
wjca
@BR:
A lot depends on the age of the kid. Under 4? Not really viable. 5-7? Go with something simple like “set the table.” Older kids can manage “take out the trash.” Move on to “do your own laundry.” (Also useful down the line. :-)
The thing is, it doesn’t need to be challenging. In fact, it’s probably best, especially initially, if the only challenging part is a) remembering to do it, and b) (the critical part) putting aside whatever he/she is doung, in order to get the job done.
Suburban Mom
@BR: There’s a big difference between a second grader and a fifth grader and what they are capable of taking on. My kids were doing their laundry by late elementary school. The little ones should be able to pick up and stow their own belongings, but still need reminders and direction. If they are interested in something like cooking or gardening helping with specific tasks is an easier sale.
CaseyL
@Chacal Charles Calthrop:
I actually did a Poli Sci research paper on that, way back in college. I wondered what combination of life circumstances and choices made someone become an ideologue – not quite the same thing, but close.
The study turned out far more interesting than I expected, because my initial hypothesis – that cold, loveless parenting makes ideologues, because they’re searching for affection and acceptance – was incorrect, at least based on the data I was working with.
The data I had indicated that the critical factor is inconsistency. Parents that blow hot and cold, love you one day and ignore you the next. What drives ideologies isn’t a search for love, but a search for stability.
That conclusion really made an impression on me, clearly, because I’ve never forgotten it.
I wish I’d stuck with research. It was fun, and I was pretty good at it.
prostratedragon
@BR: When I was 6 or 7, I guess, drying the silverware and putting it into the slots. Also picking up after myself. By 8, being the main errand-runner*.
* Of course, we had corner stores in our neighborhood where one could even get fresh meats between supermarket trips.
skerry
I lost both my mother and my MIL in 2020. One to cancer, one to Covid.
I miss them both every day.
Jay
@gene108:
@Steve LaBonne:
There is a big difference between what you posted, and “doesn’t seem to care”. Hummnnnnn, is somebody trying to stir a pot?
pat
@eclare:
My sister and I had to wash the dishes and dry everything that we couldn’t fit into the drainer and I gotta tell ya, that is where I learned to FIT STUFF IN. I can load a car trunk like you wouldn’t believe. hehe. And my dishwasher never runs until every single spot is filled. About every two days.
Steve in the ATL
@FastEdD:
Especially not those of us who went to law school! Much shame to the family.
BR
Interesting suggestions, thanks everyone.
NutmegAgain
So interesting to read everyone’s reaction & stories. I’m sure my mothering was influenced by my own mother’s behavior, but in a more “be sure not to do that!” kind of way. My mother was, I guess the best you could say, brilliant but also very troubled. Mind, she had good reasons. My folks were WWII generation, and my mother was super highly educated–Radcliffe (now Harvard) Summa, Yale for grad school (the dean told her they were only admitting her b/c the men were off at war) :/. She spoke 5 languages fluently etc etc. When she graduated from college she had to go to secretarial school to get a job, though. She was also the Betty Friedan generation. She & all the other moms self medicated with booze, cigarettes, and pills. So, yeah. She loved us as well as she could, but, it was always complicated.
wjca
Sometimes, it’s sufficient if the kid simply has to figure out for himself when to go to bed. With the caveat that, regardless, he has to get up, eat breakfast, and get to school on time the next morning.
My mom was fond of this story. It was in the mid-60s, and student activism and such were upsetting much of the population. Someone asked a university president (I think Harvard, but not sure) what he thought was the biggest problem with his students. His reply: “They don’t know how to go to bed.” Because, all their lives, their parents had told them when to go to bed, and they didn’t know how to make that decision.
You might think that silly. But one evening about 8, my brother was in the dorm bathroom getting ready for bed. And got asked: “Why are you going to bed now?!? Who said you had to go to bed?” When he responded “Because I’m tired,” they looked at him in amazement. It had simply never occurred to them that this, rather than orders from authority, would be a reason to go to bed early.
eclare
https://x.com/RonFilipkowski/status/1828571980422873411
TCFG campaign officials shoved and verbally abused a worker at Arlington National Cemetery. Because of course they did.
wjca
Put another way, children need limits. Consistent limits. It is, I think, about security. Doesn’t really matter that much whether the limits are tight or loose, just that they are there.
When they are absent, you can see a kid engaging in ever more extreme behavior, in a desperate attempt to find a limit somewhere. Really sad, if you are seeing with someone else’s kid. And I have, more than once.
Darkrose
Hell yeah! No work emails on the weekends!
scav
@BR: Dusting was one of our very early ones. It’s with a cloth so one can’t do much damage and for kids there’s a lot less bending over. Vacuuming and cleaning the bathroom were for mid to later elementary grades, with personal laundry soon following. Setting and unsetting the table, dishwashing stuff, etc. were generally ad hoc assigned by mother tasks depending on who had the most homework (she’d gone back to college).
wjca
It’s also possible that, having not been involved in their lives for years, he is loathe to look like he’s suddenly trying to cash in.
Another Scott
@Jeffro:
I heard stories about an old-timer at work who – literally – would work 2 days – 40 hours – straight through and take the rest of the week off.
Management didn’t like that, at all, and eventually wrote draconian rules to prevent it (and other things).
So, yeah, there have been people who actually did that. For a while…
Cheers,
Scott.
RevRick
My mother was, as my uncle generously put it, not a warm person. I became a pastor, in part, because my home church gave me the affirmation that I didn’t get at home. We don’t get to choose our parents, nor are we all lucky to get great ones.
I’ve been through years of therapy. I’m still a work in progress.
Kent
Hey, this is a bit off topic but my Dad and his elderly retired school teacher neighbor want to do the post card thing to swing states.
Anyone know if that is still happening and how to do it? The main link that I find looks like they have closed up their post card operation and just want you to do other things like door knocking. https://turnoutpac.org/postcards/
Starfish
@BR: Unload the dishwasher and put things back where they belong. This starts out with the cutlery and goes up to the shelves that they can reach. They are children so you will have to remind them all the time.
twbrandt
@Almost Retired:
This raises all kinds of questions :)
Gin & Tonic
@RevRick:
Yes, sir.
Jay
@wjca:
Yeah, it’s not normal for a distant Parent to jump in front of the media.
Another Scott
@CaseyL: That’s really interesting, and it makes a lot of sense.
Life is scary, and so many things can go wrong. Having someone tell you – follow me, do things my way, etc., can make things a lot less scary. No “bad choices” to worry about any more!
:-/
Thanks.
Cheers,
Scott.
Quaker in a Basement
I’ve had the good fortune to meet a fair number if Indian mothers. Dr. Harris sounds pretty much on-brand.
RevRick
@twbrandt: You stab ‘em, we slab ‘em?
Starfish
@Kent: These are the ones that my friend was doing.
https://shop.bluewavepostcards.org/pages/write-postcards
twbrandt
@RevRick: I wish there were a way to upvote comments
zhena gogolia
@Jay: Just ask Meghan, Duchess of Sussex.
Barbara
@BR: Unloading the DW is easier than loading. You can start with putting away flatware and utensils and graduate to plates and bowls, etc. Making his own bed and clearing the table (then later setting it) should be feasible for a 6-7 year old. I think it’s never too early for kids to help with laundry and then by age 8-9 be able to do their own.
Jeffro
@Another Scott: hey I’m not an original thinker, but I do ‘borrow’ good ideas from time to time… ;)
cain
Another great bit from Randy Rainbw!
https://x.com/RandyRainbow/status/1828071125437260267
Chacal Charles Calthrop
@CaseyL: thanks! That’s interesting to know
Baud
Interesting. According to my YouTube, Harris will be in GA on Thursday.
They must think it’s still in play. Her time is valuable.
bluefoot
@BR: it depends how old they are. But perhaps setting the table for dinner. Also helping alongside when someone else is doing a chore e.g. folding laundry – they could pair the socks or fold tshirts, or help put away dishes after they’re clean. Oh, also making sure toys are put away before bed.
Betty Cracker
PSA for fellow GBBO fans: If you have the free streaming app Roku, you can watch early episodes that never aired on U.S. outlets before, at least to my knowledge. It features the original crew, including a younger Paul, bespectacled Mary and Sue and Mel. Instead of the contestants gathering in a tent at a posh estate, the tent travels to different towns.
geg6
My mom and I had a troubled relationship until I was about 30 and was with my ex, who she LOOOOOVED. My dad and I, OTOH, had a very close and loving relationship. He always said to me that the reason my mom and I had a hard time getting along was that we were exactly alike in so many ways. They’ve both gone now, dad in ‘99 and mom in ‘01, and I can see it now that I’ve grown older. I’m glad my mom and I got closer before she went and also glad she didn’t live to see me and the ex break up. It would have broken her heart.
Gretchen
@Capri: My mom has been gone for 20 years and I still think « I’ve got to call mom and tell her what my grandchild said, she’d love that » or ask her what I should do about something.
zhena gogolia
@Baud: Yes, Savannah is what I saw.
Sure Lurkalot
I have no doubt my mother loved her 4 kids but she and I were not very close. We had few major disagreements and some good times but we had little in common. The only thing she “taught” me was cooking, she had no real hobbies or interests when I was growing up.
I have always been envious of people with close relationships with a parent or both. My parents provided well for their kids, were mostly kind and supportive if not warm and loving. I don’t feel the need to forgive them, that’s just how and who they were.
Childless former cat lady, in case you didn’t guess. Glad all my sibs had kids and some of them have kids now too. Being an auntie is one of my joys in life.
Gretchen
@Kent: the postcard org that I am doing seems to have enough writers but I have worked with Postcards to Voters in the past and they seem to still be taking writers:
https://postcardstovoters.org
Manyakitty
@Betty Cracker: oooh, that’s good news. Thanks
Mr. Bemused Senior
Why wouldn’t it be in play?
Gretchen
@Sure Lurkalot: I have four kids. I’m close with the three daughters and their families. I haven’t seen my son in four years and only hear from him when he needs money. I’m pretty sure he loves me in his way, and is trying his best to make his life work. He’s the one I wish I could have a do-over with. I don’t know what I’d do different, but something. Maybe not have been so exhausted from working night shift that I didn’t have enough energy and attention.
Baud
@Mr. Bemused Senior: I had heard it would be a tough get this year even without the voter suppression they’re planning
ETA: Compared to every other gettable state.
dww44
@Baud: It seems the Harris-Walz campaign is going on offense and taking it to the Trump team, to the extent that there is even a Trump Team. They are doing a bus tour of the most Southern part of the state. That in itself is also noteworthy.
Gloria DryGarden
@NutmegAgain: did you end up speaking any of those languages with her?
Gloria DryGarden
@Gretchen: what birth order is your son? Family distances can really sting. I live with some.
sometimes I work on myself, do forgiveness or ho onopono prayer, or talk to their higher self. Occasionally a little shift has resulted, or at least I feel a little more clear.
Colette South
@SatanicPanic:
I tried to assign chores that had unpleasant consequences if left undone. My daughter was supposed to do her own laundry in middle school. If she didn’t, she ran out of clean clothes.
Gloria DryGarden
@BR: lots of great ideas here, I’m just adding to it.
I work with kids age 3-5, sometimes in Montessori settings. It’s amazing what kids can do. We used to set up dish washing, clothes hand washing, folding, table washing. Putting things away. Picking things up and putting them into a jar. Sweeping silk flower petals, w a broom into a taped out square, which can connect to any sweeping activity.
some things can be daunting, but easily done together. Sweeping and taking turns. Tell me when you want to carry out the trash, and we’ll do it together. A list of possible chores and they choose which ones they are interested in..
when a child has poured out all the Legos across the floor, I ask them to pick up 5, great, now another 5. Or I make it a contest, “surely I can’t pick up faster than you” I scoop up a handful, put in the container, “ you’re not going to let me win are you, “ I’ll say, incredulously, as I gather more. Usually they get right to it, and then they feel successful.
as a 6 year old I begged to help my mom and grandmother to help wash the dishes. They said no, and that I would hate it one day. Gosh, I wish they’d found a way to let me join in. I would have loved it, doing a grown-up thing w them, and I’d still love it, as a memory of belonging.
Matt McIrvin
@Mr. Bemused Senior: There have been a lot of stories going around about Republican plans to rig Georgia in some way or other. (Though some of them uncritically repeat that false “decertify votes to throw it to the House” theory that enrages me.)
Gloria DryGarden
@Sure Lurkalot: cooking w my mom, is one of my good memories, and an ongoing fun creative skill to have.
in her generation, one just had kids, but she explained that she really dislikes babies, and was waiting for each of us to become sentient speaking intelligent humans. It was a rough foundation, but it explains a lot.
I too am without child or cat. You nym reminds me of sir Lancelot, so I thought you were a guy…. Pls don’t laugh at me
Gloria DryGarden
@Matt McIrvin: I’m looking forward to a counter strategy.
BethanyAnne
Mom passed away in July 2023. I moved in to care for her in 2018. We were so much alike. I’m so glad I got those 5 years with her. Both my parents tried really hard to do right by me, and they were magnificent. They succeeded magnificently, and they failed magnificently. Zero clue what to do with a brainy spectrum kid, but Mom at least knew how to show me love in a way I could see. I miss her, and I miss caring for her. Both of them were fiercely protective of all 3 kids.
Gretchen
@Gloria DryGarden: He’s the 2nd, three years younger than oldest sister and 4 years older than twin sisters. The twins were a lot, so he was the middle child who maybe didn’t get all the attention.
wjca
Perhaps (20/20 hindsight) your mistake was to ask.
Mom used to tell the story of her and Dad returning from the store. To find me (5) and my brother (3) on step stools at the kitchen sink, calmly doing the dishes. Apparently we’d been paying enough attention that they didn’t need to be rewashed either.
Lyrebird
@BR: emptying the dishwasher is easier than loading it, fwiw.
also, look around and consider which tasks you don’t mind being done in a sloppier fashion than how you would do it.
I feel quite torn about this. my sibs and I did so much more than what we have required of our own kids. I am still learning how to sit down sometimes and actually do nothing. Or play with the kids for more than a brief moment.
ETA: my youngest likes the plastic shirt folding thing I got for him, and I have also seen DIY ones made of cardboard boxes and duct tape.
NutmegAgain
@Gloria DryGarden: Well, I had a bit of Latin, and I could, once upon a time, speak French. But no, she was more about, “I can do this thing, not you.” I can’t tell you the number of times I asked her to teach me some German. Like I said, complicated.
Glidwrith
@SatanicPanic: As the kids grew, we made sure that as a part of the family, everyone contributed to running the household so everyone had time to have fun. Kids can sort their clothes and bring them to the washer and I taught them from a young age that I wasn’t their servant.
We regarded “chores” more as teaching how to run a household. Cooking, cleaning, gardening, pets, bills, money management, banking and shopping. If the worst happened, they’d have some means of caring for themselves.
Gloria DryGarden
@Lyrebird: you’ve reminded me of someone I met. She was disabled, used crutches to walk, and so she would have someone help her through the food line at our workshop. She seemed very capable and easy with herself.
She explained that on her farm, her dad got up with her, two hours before school, and had her do her chores, even though he had to help her or do it with her. And that this gave her confidence and a feeling of being valued, included in things that needed to be done.
Gloria DryGarden
@NutmegAgain: I’m so sorry. German would be a useful language, and best learned early, by hearing it. Otherwise, it’s complicated
our mothers and the different ways they had to be cold, or ungenerous, or withhold some of their riches. ..
UncleEbeneezer
So Jack Smith just re-indicted Trump for Jan 6 crimes in a superseding indictment from a new grand jury. He cut out stuff that would be immune as official acts but argues that four charges are still crimes Trump committed in a private capacity. Private attorneys. Private campaign. Etc.
Msb
@rikyrah: I know just how you feel. I miss my mom terribly, 8 years after her death. According to my niece, my mom visits her often to say how proud she is of all of us.