This is the first guest post in our series, and I can’t think of a better one to go first.
I hope more of you are thinking of writing something up!
Where do we go from here? How do we move forward?
by Eolirin
I’m sure most of the people who’ve been paying attention to my posts will know I have a difficult relationship with brevity, but I think, for this, I will make the attempt. Any words I might have feel grossly inadequate to the moment, so I’ll try to use as few of them as possible.
I don’t want to talk about politics, not really. We’ve spilled plenty of words on that, and it feels a lot like spinning our wheels right now. I definitely don’t want to talk about the party and what steps could or should be taken by people who are about as likely to read any of this as I am to sit in any of the rooms where decisions get made. I don’t think there are any magic words we need to figure out how to string together or one neat trick we need to find. I’ll leave discussions of messaging strategies and changes to policy platforms to people who think those things matter.
I know not everyone follows the comment threads excessively, so while I know not everyone’s seen my opinions on how we’ve gotten to where we are, and what would be necessary to alleviate the structural inequities that make it harder than it should be for us to win elections, I don’t particularly think there’s much value in going too deep into them here.
But what I will do is pull on two themes around what I’ve been saying, when I have the time and space and energy left from the non-political havoc I’ve been dealing with in my life lately, anyway: vibes and culture.
I will of course, immediately subvert both topics and turn what has been a discussion about something broad and societal into something, instead, far more personal.
I’ll start with feelings:
The election didn’t leave me feeling so much a sense of shock, as 2016 did, as much as a cold numbing sense of despair, quickly followed by a genuine sense of panic. I’m Jewish, and disabled, and queer, and non binary, and have mental health issues, about the only way I could be on more lists is if I was also a Spanish speaking black immigrant. It was a very rough few weeks.
I suspect, as they begin their fights to gut medicaid, a vital support and the only way I, and many others in similar circumstances to me, are likely to be able to get any kind of health insurance or access to care, so that they can pay for tax cuts that will benefit people who already have more money than they could spend in their lifetimes, that it will be a very rough few months or even years.
And that will likely only be the first salvo in a number of attacks of unknowable intensity against my various communities, and various other disenfranchised and marginalized peoples.
There are a lot of things about this election that are dangerously existential to vulnerable groups. It is, and will continue to be, terrifying, and heartbreaking, and horrific in many ways.
But what helped me turn the corner in processing my own emotions was remembering all the stories of the Holocaust, stories which are inescapable for anyone with even a modicum of Jewish education. Stories that I found myself turning to not for the examples of how cruel and barbaric human beings are capable of being, for I fear we may find ourselves with no shortage of new atrocities to remind us of that, beyond those we already have in the actions of Russia, and Israel, and Hamas, and others besides.
I found myself reflecting on our history, the history of that evil, not even as caution for how bad things can get, or how important it is to not treat a moment like this with complacency and a sense that things can continue as they are, though that too is, I think, important.
But I found myself reflecting most on stories of my people, facing an almost incomprehensible suffering, who had a clear sense of their own demise, and the actions they took in the face of that. Stories of how people could, under the worst of any imaginable circumstance, still find their way to kindness, to forgiveness, to acceptance, or even to resistance in full knowledge that it will not prevent thier death. You will forgive my vagueness here, my memories of all of these things blur together, and I don’t wish to misattribute or distort details on something this important, but I also don’t have the time or energy to go dig up sources.
I found myself asking how I would fare facing the same. Whether or not I would have the strength to find similar grace, to find my way to acceptance or forgiveness. And I came to the conclusion that it is, in fact, intolerable to me to meet whatever may come with hatred in my heart.
And so I strive every day to keep my heart open. To do my best to meet the moment with compassion, if not without much sorrow, and with as little anger and fear as I can manage.
I do this knowing there is a very good chance that things will get very very bad, that many people will be hurt by the next few years at minimum, that many may die. Democracy may or may not be dead. The future may be uncertain, but it is almost certainly going to be filled with some degree of additional pain for people who already suffering immensely.
I do this with the knowledge that there is no way to face that with an open heart that won’t hurt like hell. Just as there has been no way to face what’s been happening in Ukraine, or in Gaza, or in Syria, or Lebanon, or in many parts of the global South without pain. And even if the situation here does not devolve to anything even remotely as incomprehensibly horrific, the consequences of this election almost certainly will make all of those conflicts, or new ones, worse.
The world is awash in needless pain, unnecessary hardship, in cruelty, in a basic lack of humanity. It is exceptionally difficult to face the sheer weight of human suffering, and not be crushed by it, or else to not turn away, and refuse to bear witness.
It is difficult also, to not allow that suffering to transform into hatred for those responsible.
But this is corrosive. It closes the heart, and, perhaps, worst and most insidiously, it makes the victim invisible. It is subtle, but it is still a kind of turning away from that pain, and from those feeling that pain. Rage toward those doing horrible things may feel righteous, but it vanishes our shared connection to each other. If even only for that moment we are no longer experiencing empathy, no longer have a capacity for compassion.
So to keep the heart open is a difficult thing that will bring us much pain in the face of great suffering. And even if it’s the better alternative to turning away, in whatever form that may take, and I truly believe that it is, how then to deal with that?
I realize this will sound funny, given that I am very much failing in my desire at brevity, and given the nature of this community, but we can, and should, talk less and do more.
It is very easy to substitute, in our minds at least, talking about a thing with accomplishing anything of value. This is a trap that we need to avoid now more than ever.
I would call on people to get involved with something. To build community. Forge real and meaningful connections, and use them to make something tangible happen. I’m not sure it even matters what the things are, as long as they’re not designed to hurt other people.
Most importantly, find ways, always, to be kind. To others, to ourselves.
And this brings us to what I would say about values:
So much of what has gone wrong in our country, and in the world more broadly, fundamentally roots, to my mind, in the way we engage in disregard for each other. The ways we retreat from our common humanity, the ways we turn away from each other’s suffering, the ways that we prioritize self-righteousness, and self-interest over justice, indifference over compassion, lies over truth, ignorance over understanding, bigotry and hate over acceptance. The whole world is in an existential struggle between toxic and tonic masculinity.
We cannot fix this as individuals, we cannot fix this as a political party, and certainly as simple members of this community, we have very little power to affect the behaviors of very many people beside.
And even more than that, I think we’re about to face a discontinuity in our society, or at minimum in our politics; that things will not really be able to continue as they were or return to what we would have viewed as normal. It’s hard to say what we’ll need to do in the face of that. Predictions fall apart in the face of greatly changed circumstance; it doesn’t do us any good to be fighting the last war. It’s hard to say, even, whether that discontinuity will be for the better or the worse, in the long run, though our efforts will almost certainly matter there. And I won’t say I’m terribly optimistic.
But I think my optimism or lack thereof does not matter all that much to what I, really any of us, need to do in the face of what may be coming. And what that is is the same as it was before the election, the same as it’s always been, and always will be; to meet pain with kindness, anger with love, fear with patience. To put in the work of trying to make things better, in whatever ways we can, small or large. To stay involved, to stay open, to be curious, to care about each other, and to keep going, for as long as we can.
There is a zen saying: Before enlightenment: chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment: chop wood, carry water. I think there’s a corollary to our times: Before everything goes to shit: chop wood, carry water. After everything goes to shit: chop wood, carry water.
To the extent that, if we do that, and the rest doesn’t tend to itself, it’s really beyond our power to control.
Be kind.
Friday Afternoon Everything Is Making Me Cranky Open Thread
Eolirin
Ahh, is it possible to put a fold in there somewhere? I don’t want to be dominating the front page like that. 😳
Edit: Thanks!
John S.
Great post. Always nice to hear from other Jewish voices on this blog (of which there are thankfully many).
For my part, I’ve been chopping a lot of wood lately here in the PNW. It’s cold outside and the fires need to burn.
zhena gogolia
Thank you for this message (beautifully written). This is hard for me to maintain, although I know it’s the right thing. I wish I could control my anger. Your example will be a help to me.
mark
“Whether or not I would have the strength to find similar grace, to find my way to acceptance or forgiveness.”
That is a real hard one for me. At this point I can’t find it in myself to accept or forgive what some of my former friends, coworkers, or relatives are.
A Ghost to Most
“Things are gonna get get mighty rough,
Here in Gomorrah-by-the-Sea”
“The Garden of Allah”, Don Henley
Prepare. Fortune favors the prepared.
storm777
Thank you, Erolirin, for this. It reminds me of Viktor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning.” It helped me during a hard time. It is the ability to choose one’s attitude, despite whatever is happening, even certain death. We have the ability to choose how we respond. Thank you!
Eolirin
@zhena gogolia: It’s not easy. And I think, one of the biggest things is to recognize that it’s okay to get angry, as long as you do something productive with that, and don’t allow it to fester and turn into hate.
I will do something like go wash dishes. It gives me time to process, and then let what I need to go, go as best as I can.
Eolirin
@mark: What they are is broken, as we all are to some degree, but more so than most.
If you can find your way to sadness instead of rage over that, it’s most of the effort.
Old School
NIce essay. It put me in the mood for some Van Morrison.
jimmiraybob
Suzanne
This is the hardest one for me. I’m the least patient person alive.
You’re a good person and thank you for this essay.
Rob Lll
Thank you for this thoughtful and thought-provoking post. And please don’t worry about brevity — it wasn’t a single word over how long it needed to be.
bluefoot
I am mostly baffled (that the majority of voters voted for this), sad (that people want hate and destruction), and horrified (anticipating the sheer scale of human suffering and injustice to come).
As an outspoken WOC who has been the object of racial and misogynistic violence during the good times, I don’t know that I’m counting on surviving what’s to come. Already I am seeing the difference when I’m out in public. But I am trying to strengthen myself to continue to stand up, even if it’s only to stand in front of someone younger or more vulnerable than I so that they can carry on.
It’s a cliche to say it’s a marathon not a sprint, but it’s a cliche for a reason.
TBone
My mother gave me this book aeons ago. It has been a lifesaver many times. Without a purpose, we flounder. A tiny, infinitesimal purpose is STILL A PURPOSE.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Man%27s_Search_for_Meaning
Highly recommend reading.
I chose all three options, but, as with Love, the greatest of these is
The other two options are:
completion of tasks;
caring for another person.
sab
Girding myself to even read this, but I will because Eolirin.
My husband has withdrawn from politics and it shows. I had to tell him who Timothy Snyder was!!!
I am not withdrawing, but old enough to remember my parents’ McCarthy Era concerns during Vietnam, So careful what I sign on to. This is just modern Jim Crow, but with many more white people on our side, although not a majority. ( I am white. Bucking Jim Crow in the South was dangerous even if you were white. Vastly more dangerous for blacks, but not nothing for whites. Jimmy Carter never got enough credit for the culture trends he bucked.)
oldgold
We need a leader.
Melancholy Jaques
Beautiful thoughts beautifully written. I wish I could say I’m with you, but I’m just not there yet. I, too, felt a cold numbing despair along with the blunt recognition that whatever I said or did, whatever millions of us said or did, we were powerless against evil. I could rage against the dying of the light, but it was going to die out just the same.
I’m not over it yet. I won’t be able to make any positive contributions till I am.
TBone
@TBone:
Gretchen
@TBone: When I hosted my book club a couple of weeks ago one of the members left this book at my house. I guess I should pick it up and read it.
Eolirin
@TBone: Actually that gives me an opportunity to expand a point that I didn’t want to put in the post because it would have made it too much about me; those of us with chronic disabling conditions, either physical or mental health issues, by the very nature of our existence are in a state of suffering. We really have no choice but to embody finding a way to face that suffering with dignity because it will destroy us otherwise.
We are extremely vulnerable right now. We make people hella uncomfortable because we’re a reminder of a suffering that cannot be easily allievated and made to go away. Especially those of us who end up unhoused.
So as a very personal request, when you run into people struggling with disabilities it really helps if you can go out of your way to make us feel seen and to listen, without trying to fix anything. It’s super hard to do, I know. So much so that many of us will tend to reflexively avoid sharing too much detail about what we deal with.
But they’re definitely going to be trying to erase us in addition to chipping away at or eliminating the programs we need to have a chance at being functional or independent. The attacks on DEI include accessibility. We need to be seen more now than ever.
Gretchen
Chop wood carry water is a piece of advice that Fran of the Professional Left podcast often gives when people tell her they are too discouraged to keep going
Steve LaBonne
Along with my wife and daughter, music and Unitarian Universalism are the things that will keep me anchored amidst the storm.
Eolirin
@sab: That means a lot to me. Thank you.
Eolirin
@Melancholy Jaques: It’s okay for it to take time. This is all unimaginably awful in so many ways. It’s important to give yourself the space you need and to process at your own pace.
But I’m confident you’ll get there.
Melancholy Jaques
@Eolirin:
Thank you.
H.E.Wolf
Thank you for this eloquent, compassionate, thoughtful, vulnerable essay. You’ve said what I haven’t had words for.
zhena gogolia
@sab: Last night I asked the person who had told me about Snyder’s move last year, and that person did not think it was some kind of preemptive self-exile, but also agreed that they weren’t absolutely sure what the motivations behind it were.
ETA: But it was definitely planned long before the election.
RevRick
@Eolirin: You put a lump in my throat. Thank you and blessings upon you.
Starfish (she/her)
@Eolirin: I had an online friend with chronic conditions who could not leave her house, and reading memoirs of people who had been in holocaust prison camps helped her because she said that it reminded her of all the ways to have dignity and a sense of self in a very bad situation.
What you are saying reminds me of that friend.
bluefoot
@Eolirin: Thanks for this. It is absolutely true that people don’t like to be reminded of suffering or their vulnerability. As humans, we need to be seen, to be acknowledged as human, that we are valuable in and of ourselves.
WaterGirl
@bluefoot: I’m sure we would all love a guest post where you talk about how you move forward as an outspoken woman of color.
Please think about doing one of these guests posts where we offer various perspectives on how we move forward.
Formerly disgruntled in Oregon
Thank you Eolirin for this post.
bluefoot
@WaterGirl:
I’ll think about it when I can breathe a little better, so to speak. I’ve been taken aback by how quickly things are getting bad.
Eolirin
Thank you everyone for your kind words! <3
Yutsano
I am also queer, and disabled, and Jewish enough for it to come back to bite me. It really sucks that I’ve had to develop several escape plans from my own country. But I will execute them as it becomes necessary. But I survived his last presidency.
My only consolation is that they’re mostly incompetent, except when it comes to judges.
WaterGirl
@Eolirin: Thank you so much for writing this wonderful, thoughtful post, Eolirin!
I am guessing that this post will continue to get comments tonight and tomorrow, so no one should assume it’s dead just because other posts will follow it.
Everyone else, if you have thoughts about moving forward, I hope you will write them up and send them to me.
TBone
@Gretchen: it can be difficult in places, BUT it is so worth it!
TBone
@Eolirin: my beloved hubby is really good at what you pointed out – not trying to fix me, just listening closely, doing whatever I can’t when I can’t, and STANDING UP loudly if I need an ally. Of course, this is reciprocal.
I hope everyone can find their IRL allies, it is my prayer for mercy for all.
stinger
Eolirin, if you, and RevRick, and Bishop Mariann Edgar Budde wanted to start a new religion, this atheist would consider joining!
TBone
@TBone: the kicker is, when we met I was in remission, healthyish, and taking hormone replacement and, even though I told him about medical history, even I never thought I’d be bitten by another infected tick AND get the gatdanged plague after getting both of us reasonably clean and sober!
TBone
@storm777: I should have read the comments before posting mine because you deserve the credit for thinking of that book before I did!
lowtechcyclist
I’m not the only one who’s thought this! I’ve said ‘anti-satori’ instead of ‘everything goes to shit,’ but same deal. I’ve had plenty of opportunities for its use over the years.
Ohio Mom
Eolirin, I am delighted getting to know you by reading this post. I always like your comments but didn’t feel I knew the person behind them. Now I have an inkling.
I can identify with so much of what you wrote. On my good days, I try to follow the Dalai Lama’s advice, Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.
That isn’t to say I don’t think some acts of kindness are wasted, I do, and a few examples stick in my mind. Oh well.
But this week I am mostly furious. I know a lot of that is just plain fear. I’ll get through it.
I am reminded of something’s my very smart and favorite aunt said to me.
Just after Bush 2 was elected: “Don’t worry, everything he is doing can be undone.” I was struck by that because it came out of nowhere.
One or two years later, I was back visiting family in NY and again, pretty much out of nowhere she announced, “This is the fall of the Roman Empire.”
I thought about that and reminded myself that human life did not end when the Roman Empire fell, people went on with their lives, going to work, having families, doing chores. So I could do the same as my Roman Empire fell around me.
The last time I saw my aunt, Hillary had just lost and she complained that she always wanted to see a woman become president and now she never would. Those were prophetic words because she died just before Covid. And now I am sure that I won’t see a woman president, either.
Lyrebird
@Ohio Mom: My grandma was similarly disappointed – so glad she had gotten to vote for HRC, but very sad not to see a woman president in her lifetime. Passed away around the same time.
Eolirin
@TBone: I’m really glad you have that. It makes a huge difference.
TBone
@Ohio Mom: but we have Claudia Sheinbaum and countless other strong women to platform as examples to inspire, teach, and empower us. Never say never!
Gloria DryGarden
@Eolirin: I am so deeply touched by your essay.
I think this underlies all the rest of our actions, beliefs, politics, behaviors, and all the things we may do to stay afloat, to cling to whatever raft of preparedness we might have.
I have experience with being unseen, with being different and on the outside, and with having pain that others can’t bear to hear about, so they turn away. Isolation in various forms has had a long impact on me. I am grateful to see someone write about these things. Been seen and heard, is medicine. Thank you entreating jus to listen more, to not turn away, and to bear listening without trying to fix, even though that might be difficult.
I need to take your recommendations more to heart as I come up against despair, and anger, and go right up to the unpermitted edge of hatred, frozen rage, bitterness, ill wishes.
It makes sense to create pockets of kindness, to carry water, do what one can, and build or create something, anything, with community, or any circle of kind relationships one can knit together. I think I need to keep a notebook of graces and kindnesses I experience: seen, received, given, aided. Just that, will light a few more candles on the sacred altar of life.
In my experience of evil, I learned that I can’t beat it or stop it, but what I can do, all I can do, is to keep my light strong, make my light stronger. I need to remember this. I see it as an image: I’m fighting Darth Vader, and I want to make it stop, to end him, and it’s clear that I can’t, but it’s also clear that upholding my own light is what I have to do, to not collapse. Keep holding my light.
When it’s anger, it helps me to ask myself what do you need, and then to consider the qualities I want in my life, and create that. On a really good day, I can manage that question for others.
Your writing- I am so happy to see you here, and consider your thoughts. Many of your paragraphs contain a door into more writing, that I long to read. When you create a book, or more blog posts, I’ll read it. There is much joy in hearing from someone who sees and looks and experiences deeply, and can share from that. I feel seen, reading your post.
if you are personally at risk of becoming un housed, there are people on this blog who have stated they have extra room in their homes, and room in their lives for at least a guest visit.
quiet fish swimming in deep waters
light reaches a certain way down into the depths
Princess
@zhena gogolia: You are right that these kind of academic job offers are long in the making but his decision to move might still be motivated by recent events. I have friends who were considering a move in the other direction, from U of Toronto to a prestigious American university. They were told they were the choice of the department last winter. It took months and months to get the final signed offer, which arrived mid summer. Then they had several months to decide and the election were the heavily in that. I believe they are staying put, though when it all started, they were very keen to go. It wouldn’t shock me if Snyder’s case were something like that but in the other direction.
TBone
@Eolirin: thank you E, it is my most sincere hope that you and everyone else who needs it is strong enough to reach out and connect with their allies in whatever ways are possible. Every little step in that direction can be a giant leap for mankind! People can surprise us, there is hidden treasure everywhere, in very unlikely places! I was spitting mad and yelling at hubby when we met at the auto repair shop he managed!
TBone
@Gloria DryGarden: I was hoping to see you here.
Ohio Mom
@Lyrebird:I think the idea of a woman president may have had extra salience for woman of the generation who remembered when they couldn’t get credit in their own name, who remembered what it was like before birth control was widely available, when abortion was illegal, when woman may have worked but didn’t have careers that belonged to them, when Boom! It was women’s liberation and they received all sorts of validation from other women about all kinds of feelings that were finally put into words.
And then all that forward progress stalled out. Well, not all of it. Some of it was co-opted by capitalism, looking at you, Virginia Slims.
Eolirin
@Gloria DryGarden: Thank you, that really means a lot to me.
I’m personally fine, but I know a number of people who have struggled at various points with maintaining housing, and my partner, while they were doing benefit advocacy work did a lot of outreach with the local shelter. It’s a rough place to be.
Gloria DryGarden
@TBone: thanks. It’s a deep, deep breath. I’m grateful to read Eolirin here today. I’m thinking I need to send my fancy prayers to some more people.
I’m grateful that my virtual altar is infinite, and that the virtual candles I keep lighting more of, are affordable.
WTFGhost
@mark: What would it take for you to support Trump?
It would take a huge, huge, huge, amount, I bet.
You would have to be completely lost, directionless, and empty inside, completely devoid of your normal senses of right and wrong.
Now, if you knew someone was lost in the woods, or in a blizzard, you’d rescue them if you could. Here, you *can’t* rescue them, but… don’t you wish you could?
Not the haters, because the haters hate, but… the ordinary people. The ordinary people who would never support someone like him, unless they were completely bamboozled. Would you take them by the hand, and lead them out of the woods/to shelter from the snow?
*That* is what forgiving them starts with, for me, at least.
TBone
I keep a little mason jar on top of the fridge. When some small good thing happens, I write down a little note about it and drop it in the Good Things Jar.
At New Year, or whenever I really need an attytood adjustment, I open the jar and read a few, or as many as it takes, to remember that life is worthwhile. It’s fun to read them ALL at New Year’s!
Eolirin
@Ohio Mom: Your aunt sounds like a real character. I hope her memory continues to be a blessing to you.
Redshift
Wise words, Eolirin. Thank you.
TBone
Time for a tube feeding of special slurry and meds for Noah The Love Cat. I whipped it up in my food processor and must now administer my very first tube feeding with hubby to assist. I hate to wake Noah up again after he fell asleep on hubby’s arm so peacefully after such a long time in hospital. However, I am grateful that I am needed more than I am nervous about screwing it up. The 2AM feeding is the one that’s gonna SUCK hahahaha!
Eolirin
@TBone: Good luck!
zhena gogolia
@Princess: I don’t know, it seemed like a done deal when I heard about it last spring. But academic gossip is not infallible, of course.
WTFGhost
We’re not *powerless* against evil – we lost a big battle, and evil has the upper hand, and our big hope now is that they’re so venal and incompetent that they make it obvious.
But we’re not *powerless*. They will do evil things, and we can speak out, and resist them, and shine the light on their evil.
People don’t like hate; it’s ugly, but they don’t mind it if it’s hidden beneath the surface. The trick is getting it to surface, sufficiently visibly.
Lily
@Eolirin: 🙏
storm777
@TBone: Thank you!
Lily
@TBone: Very glad to know he’s finally home with his people.
Heal on 🌤 Noah 🌿 🥣 .
pieceofpeace
@Ohio Mom: Being of that age and having had the experience, it was the 60s that saved and provided opportunities and reimagined freedoms for me and many other women.
As Dylan said of the times earlier, “We were so much older then, we’re younger than that now,” which reflects the dual times and feelings for me, that instantly became a rallying attitude to wake up and BeHereNow. The introduction of birth control was another assist to freedom, as was male enthusiasm for women’s rights, music during those years and drug assistance, as desired.
Gloria DryGarden
@zhena gogolia: thanks for reminding me of how I sort that out- I see
anger as jet fuel.
As an indicator light.
I try to find what I need and ask for it, take steps in that direction. It’s hard, but better than the alternative:
My Swedish American grandmother, child of immigrants, had what I call a post-doc in bitterness. I think of her when I’m harboring long held frozen helpless angers, and I see bitterness forming, like an endless emotional winter.
I say to myself, “honey, you want to be like grandma?” She was a smart woman, married to my grandpa who thought no women needed to be educated. She was relegated to the kitchen, raising three boys, waiting on them hand and foot. Of course she was mad as hell. The divine power and her karma department gifted grandpa with 7 granddaughters.
Although my grandma was difficult to be around, I am always grateful for her going before me and showing me the path I need to avoid. It helps me shift, when I find myself in certain states. For that, I have her on team Goddess, holding a beacon to warn me away from her path, like a lighthouse.
Gloria DryGarden
@TBone: you’ve got this. It’ll get easier, I hope.
Redshift
@Gloria DryGarden: For me, that calls to mind Jill Sobule’s “Bitter”:
Ruckus
Great post!
We are all humans. Some of us are more human than others that are actually the same species.
We have a history of wars to gain what we want or think we are entitled to. We, as part of the billions living on this planet, need to recognize that while some political concepts are overall good, or even great, humanity does not have a great record of getting along with each other. Because we have greed and selfishness as two of our emotions or operating concepts. Will we ever rid ourselves of these? I very, very seriously doubt it. This country was founded upon all of us being equal, and yet our history says we didn’t always and still don’t actually live up to this concept. Can this be fixed? It may be possible but we, as the human race haven’t figured out how yet. Or often even actually tried. We have a concept of that here in this country, from our founding and ratification of the constitution 235 yrs ago. And we still aren’t completely there. We aren’t far, far off but this is still humanity and we still have in our midst many people who don’t fully grasp the concept of human equality. We still have racism and gender issues, many still seem to think that money is the be all end all of life. I have zero idea of a path to better, other than time and a positive attempt at actually recognizing equality. We’ve come a not insignificant way in my 3/4 of a century but we really, really aren’t there yet. Fifty five years ago I saw/heard a USN recruit in boot camp make an obnoxious pass at a woman in uniform who out ranked him like 4 or 5 levels. I thought that this moron was going to be extremely sorry for that and that these 2 women had every right to make this dipshit extremely sorry. He got woken up but I’m betting it didn’t stick. Is it better today? I think so but then being a dipshit and especially getting called out on it never seems to affect some in the negative way it should.
Melancholy Jaques
@WTFGhost:
Respectfully disagree. There are people – a lot more than I ever feared or imagined – who get an orgastic pleasure from hatred & anger. The tea party movement, the 2010 midterms, the 2016 elections, January 6th, and the 2024 election. Festivals of Hate gleefully celebrated by about half of the country.
Gloria DryGarden
@Eolirin: what helps you let things go, even partly?
(asking for a friend… no, that’s a lie. I need advice or a manual. It helps to understand how others let things go. Especially in this time of mounting grievances. It’s personal, sorry)
Ksmiami
@Ohio Mom: I think we will have a woman President of Blue states once we split
Ruckus
@Melancholy Jaques:
Evil will likely always be a part of human life. We are all in some ways the same and in others in another segment of human life. And some of those segments are not in any way positive. Greed and power have been with us since the earliest days and has never gone far away. Look up who is the richest in the world and how he acts and tell me that we in an equal world.
TBone
Good Things Jar entry! Noah woke up all by himself AND presented himself in the kitchen while I was futzing around trying to read & mark all the different (tiny!) millilitre markings on the separate syringes for water, food & meds. He knew when his feeding time was! He didn’t struggle! He flinched only slightly when the yucky meds went through and is now back in hubby’s arms! Oh my dear boy, you are SUCH a love!
Tribute!
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tnhBaDw1cZg
Gloria DryGarden
A small haiku
tribute:
Some brief words aimed straight;
Priceless glimpse through inner space
Then the heart, expands
Copyright ©️ Gloria A
DryGarden
TBone
@Gloria DryGarden: I put up a big, red STOP sign picture in my mind’s eye and plead for a change of heart.
TBone
@Gloria DryGarden: oh sweet lady that is
Purrrrrrrrfect
MagdaInBlack
@TBone: Very glad to see this news =-)
Gloria DryGarden
@Redshift: omg, thank you!
i don’t know this poet, yet. Wow,
exactly
brantl
@sab: Jimmy Carter was a quiet man, with balls of stone.
TBone
@Lily: thank you!
TBone
@MagdaInBlack: thank you!
Eolirin
@Gloria DryGarden: That’s a hard thing to answer in words. I do a lot of meditation. After enough of that you start to see how the emotions stick in your body, and then you can … for lack of a better way of saying this, open, very gently mind, the things that are closing down and becoming stuck. It’s a very physical process for me.
Eolirin
@TBone: :) <3
brantl
You got that exactly right. I couldn’t have said or thought it better.
bluefoot
@Melancholy Jaques: I agree. There are a LOT of people who seem to get a charge from hate or from watching others suffer, not just inflicting that suffering. I don’t understand it but I see it everywhere.
Gloria DryGarden
@Eolirin: this makes sense to me. Thank you. Of course it’s a body thing..
please see #75.
(Skip over the brevity part, your essay was brief enough. I don’t think brevity needs to be your aim, ever. )
i need to get better about meditating
brantl
@Gloria DryGarden: Just remember that all hurts are as permanent as we let them be, and joy is as temporary as we make it.
brantl
@bluefoot: They think it validates them, and nothing else does; they live for it.
Gloria DryGarden
@brantl: when I ask a question like that, – how do you let things go- I’m not asking just for me, but for anyone here with similar…
so in a sense I am actually asking for a friend.
And the answers and replies we give to each other, feed the needs of many.
Another Scott
Thank you for this excellent essay.
I’m sorry you are going through so much now. :-(
Peace and comfort, and strength, to you and yours.
Best wishes,
Scott.
WTFGhost
@bluefoot: It’s a human reaction. One kid starts spitting on the unpopular boy by the swimming pool, other people think it’s funny and join in, because they were cued in by the violation of norms and the laughter. In the moment, all is laughter and gaiety. If a parent had stepped in, and demanded to know what the heck was happening, most of the kids would have been horrified by what they’d just done.
It’s a twisted piece of human nature, one I don’t understand, but it’s there. Some people learn to love it – others learn to be horrified by it, to guard against it, if/when the urge to be nasty occurs, and to regret it when we give in.
Obviously, the people who use it like a drug will never kick the habit until they’re ready, and America is *not* a place where a lying asshole will hit rock bottom, as witnessed by our recent elections.
Other people can be pulled back.
Miss Bianca
Ha. And I’ve been literally doing both those things today. Good to keep the basics in mind. :)
WeimarGerman
@Eolirin thank you for those wonderful words. I recall reading or watching an interview with a Survivor who lost her family in the Holocaust. The interviewer asked her how she could be happy? She replied, they took everything but I can’t let them salt my future with bitterness.
Carry water, chop wood.
Look for sparkles in the dew drops.
Thanks.
Acronym
@oldgold: I absolutely agree with you.
WTFGhost
@Eolirin: I feel like the emotion is there, and I can manipulate it a bit. It’s like, I can see the anger, and take a breath and release it, or, for some stickier emotions, it doesn’t feel *physical* to me, but there’s still a physical *sense*, like “I know this stuff, and where it gets stuck, and how to de-stick it,” like a tricky handful of too-wet bread dough, to an experienced baker (which I’m not).
I feel peace in the center, and anguish at arm’s length, and I know I can just stop *defending* and the anguish will soak me through, but, because I know the pain, and the cause, I can hold it at bay. It’s *because* I know the pain that I can hold it at bay.
Meditation definitely helps, because it starts moving you down the path of “doing weird stuff with your brain that isn’t easily put into words.” Shamanism helps me, and, of course, there are at least some good therapists out there who can help you reach that level of understanding.
Eolirin
@Gloria DryGarden: :)
<3 <3
Eolirin
@WTFGhost: Yeah, that’s pretty similar to what I do too. We all have different levels of sensitivity and what our “felt” sense of this stuff is varies a lot. It’s very tangible to me, but I’ve been doing certain practices that cultivate that sensitivity for a long time.
Eolirin
@Another Scott: Thank you!
TBone
@Eolirin: my subconscious recently acted out my anger for me. Noah is always in my bed at night, near or on my pillow. When he was gone, after a few nights, I had a dream I was peeing and woke up soaked. I was pissed!
Eolirin
@TBone: That. Sucks.
(I didn’t miss the pun, I’m just choosing not to respond to it for fear that it will encourage others :P)
Another Scott
Also too, a wise man agrees with you:
(More MLK quotes from his memorial in DC)
Thanks again.
Best wishes,
Scott.
Eolirin
@Another Scott: There was a dude who knew how to use words.
dnfree
@Eolirin: This is beautiful. Some of the people on the right that I know tell me confidently that I hate Trump, or others. I tell them I don’t hate anyone. I hate some of the things he does, and I hate the effects it has on those who are most vulnerable. But hating people gets us nowhere.
What you have written is right up there with the sermon by the Episcopal bishop after the inauguration. Thank you for sharing.
Eolirin
@dnfree: Thank you for the kind words.
Lobo
Amen, brother.
Gloria DryGarden
Some sweet news of kindness
Bishop Budde provided a Resting place for Matthew Shepard a few years ago.
A better article Here
Soprano2
Thanks for this, eolirin. I’m still in the “how the hell did this happen” stage. I truly thought Harris would win. The one thing I try to do that was recommended to me by my therapist is to think of one thing I’m grateful for every day, even if it’s small. That helps some.
Eolirin
@Soprano2: The way average people responded to the pandemic broke me, and now I expect a whole lot less of people, so the “how did this happen?” phase was pretty short for me this time around.
I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not, but it is what it is.
WTFGhost
@Gloria DryGarden: Personal is okay. Denying needs is never wise.
The first thing to letting go is to understand that you can control your thoughts, but not the way you can control clay in your hands. If you have an earworm (a song you can’t get out of your head, for example), *you* are playing that song in your head. I mean, no one else can play a song in your head, but you, right?
You just don’t know what part of your brain is playing it.
Now, if you were meditating, and you were a master at it, you could close your eyes, and *boom* earworm gone, or, you’re remembering the song, and enjoying it, rather than dealing with the “get this blasted song out of my head!”
If you were really good at it, you could isolate the song-playing thoughts, and shut them up.
If you were just starting out, you’d keep reminding yourself, return to your focus, it’s *okay* that you can’t banish an earworm, your goal is to practice meditation, not worry about earworms.
Right there – that’s step one. You stop feeding the earworm. You stop demanding it cease. It’s okay that it’s there, you can’t put your mind somewhere else yet, but, as you learn more, you learn to handle the earworm better.
Troublesome emotions are similar, but, you have to accept that emotions are real – they *really* affect you – but they’re not reality. If you are angered by something, but then you find your anger was unjustified, your anger is real, and you might still be ready to shout at someone, but you remind yourself, “this isn’t real… this is just my body’s reaction to having been angry.”
Just that part there, realizing “I was angry, but then I realized I didn’t need to be, so I tried not to be cranky/crabby afterward,” that’s also important. Emotions muck with our body chemistry, and it takes time for the “rest and digest” signals to overcome the “fight or flight” signals. Knowing that those body processes affect you is a *big* deal, because now, you can say “wait – I’m not really *that* angry over X; I’m just still feeling residual anger over Y.”
Somewhere in here, there needs to be compassion. Look: if a five-year-old made you the same dumb picture that five-year-olds make, you’d still cherish it, I imagine, as a gift of love from the heart of a child.
Funny how sometimes, we don’t have compassion for ourselves, and call our efforts dumb and amateurish and stupid and worthless, words we’d *never* use with someone we love.
That is why the song says learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all – finding that compassion for *you* that you can then share with others, more cleanly and openly and honestly.
Another step is one I didn’t think of until I heard a child psych use it, self-soothing. Kids learn to self-sooth the first few times mommy and daddy aren’t there for immediate cuddles, but, adults often forget it- they might not even quite realize it’s “a thing.”
If you’re hurt, what makes you feel better, that’s wholesome? A comfortable blanket, and a hot cup of tea, and a book of poetry? Well, you *can* do that, for yourself, when you feel bad, and not just “hard day at work,” but “goddamn it, it feels good.”
The nice thing is, if you have rituals – I don’t mean “high rituals” with robes and gongs and funny hats, I just mean, you do things mindfully, and sometimes, in a certain soothing pattern – where was I? Start again.
If you have rituals, like making a warm cup of tea and sitting with your favorite stuffed animal (I don’t judge…), just the repetition can help remind you that you’re in “tea time,” not in “worry/obsess” time. Mindfulness/intentionality makes it a ritual. “I’m doing this for me, because I feel bad, and I deserve to feel better, and it might not work perfectly, but that’s okay.”
Oh! And, if you’re not constantly exhausted, so you can do something deep, like read a great book, or paint a nice picture, or play/sing some music, something that just *fills* your mind, *do* that. Once you’ve done all you can with an emotion, any further pain it causes you is a waste of resources, so, it’s *okay* to distract yourself.
And I mean, if you play a jolly tune and sing when your spouse of twenty years has just died, and it helps you cope, good for you, but maybe not so good for the police investigation.
I kid, of course, but what I’m saying is, you don’t owe *grief* your time. If you *can* play a jolly tune, to forget your grief for a few minutes, it’s not *cheating* and it doesn’t mean you didn’t love the person you lost, it just means, you’re still human, and still have the capacity to act fully human, and rise above grief, for a time.
That’s all a drugged out gimp can come up with tonight. I hope it helps.
Gloria DryGarden
@WTFGhost: it does help. I saved it.
Delicious way of laying out details and tying it all together. Even though it’s mostly stuff I know, the kindness flowing from it, and the combination of good ideas step by step serve as a really helpful reminder. I’ll see about implementation.
I heard a lot of people in this thread feeling tough feelings, feeling stuck. I hope this helps a bunch of folks.
Thanks. Bowing.
TBone
Just checking in to let everyone know that I’m still here after a really rough morning and my ear worm is kd lang covering Leonard Cohen Hallelujah! Also the video of her face at the end showing so much humility is bringing joy to vanquish the chaos and center me from swirling and floundering.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=P_NpxTWbovE
Eolirin
@TBone: <3
TBone
@Eolirin: I’m very glad to see you are also still kicking it today! Muah!
TBone
Felt the need to share this little story about perspective and making “giant leaps for mankind” (connecting with your allies IRL situations):
https://www.robertleefulghum.com/unfinished-business/
Noah took his first voluntary drink of water today!