Like many of you, I have had my struggles over the years- anxiety, ptsd, and a touch of depression fueling decades of self-medication with alcohol, which only got better when I fucking got off my ass and talked to someone about it and then got sober. And things are so much better than they were in those dark days. But still, I run into my bouts every here and again, sometimes I am vocal about them here, other times I sorta just muddle through and you guys all of a sudden notice I haven’t been posting much.
I’ve been going through it again, so I thought I would take the time to discuss how it is impacting me, so if any of you are feeling the same way, maybe it might be time for you to talk to someone before you start to try to self-medicate or do anything destructive. It started around the first week of March. I am not sure what the triggering event was, but since then I have been having real problems with executive function, loss of desire to leave the house and o things, feeling down and lethargic, etc. There have been a lot of doom spirals, loss in interest in even going to the pool, and what not. I also have been having a hard time concentrating- not being able to finish an hour long episode of a show before I am up pacing or doom scrolling. That sort of thing.
Nothing too traumatic, but real darkness and in the back that fear and anxiety. Always there. Like the hum of an appliance in the background and the voices in the head shaming you for not doing the things you need to be and should be doing but can’t because every time you try to the voices come at you again with their self-doubt and self-loathing.
On top of it all I have so many decisions and so much work ahead of me and I just don’t want to do any of it. Wedding in September, at some point have to pull the trigger on moving here permanently. But what about the parents? Does that mean Bethany is no longer my home forever. Is that what I want. The logistics of selling the house. What do I have to do to get it sale ready. What about all my shit. Getting the shit I want from there to here. And on and on.
All of that in the backdrop of what is going on in the country. Started my day with learning we are arresting judges, and it sort of went downhill from there. The constant yo-yo of the market. The disappearing of people. The shitshow at Defense. Ukraine. The capitulation of law firms and universities. The economic crisis that is about to devour us (can I even sell the house what will interest rates be), the fact a lot of people are going to become VERY SURPRISED when there are food shortages and empty shelves everywhere.
So yeah, but I am working my way through it and the whole time I feel guilty, because for the most part I am unscathed by the Trump admin actions SO FAR. WV is about to go through some hell, and there are tens of millions of people who are at real risk of terrible things and many who have already had awful things, so me bitching about my feels seems extra rich. Also, am I so lucky that I am just now experiencing what everyone else has been going through for decades? And then the self-loathing of “How the fuck were you ever even in the army?” It’s all so much, isn’t it.
Regardless, I know a lot of you are going through some shit right now, and I just wanted to let you know if you are not already talking to someone or actively working on things, you should reach out and get some help. There are a lot of resources still out there, and you deserve to use them to help yourself.
And you are absolutely not alone.
/endstreamofconsciousness
Tom Levenson
Thanks John.
This helps me personally. I have a family history of depression and, though far from suffering the worst of what some of my relatives have gone through, am definitely visited by the black dog.
I’m doing a fair amount to deal with that, but current times are testing me hard. It’s very valuable to hear you (and others — Popehat is a stalwart here) say this stuff out loud, (something I still have a lot of trouble doing).
So, again, thanks.
Old School
Thanks.
And if anyone needs to vent, rant, or just reach out, you’ll find this comment section is here for you and has your back.
trollhattan
Solid post Cole, excellent and hard-earned observations.
If it’s possible to be in several circles of hell at one time, this must be what that feels like. I’m no multitasker and the only thing I’ve done in that regard is to no longer claim to be. So, which task when everything seems to come out of a firehose?
Be well Cole, be well everybody. Or as close as reasonable.
Am enjoying spring this year. Sun gonna to shine in my backdoor someday.
Professor Bigfoot
I’m right with you, JC.
In a sense it was a good thing that I had my big health scare a few weeks ago.
I’ve always considered myself lucky AF; and the fact that I’m here, posting, and my worst problem right now is wrist pain– the good fortune continues. But this did remind me that “Father Time remains undefeated.”
It’s made me look at life a little bit differently. Ever since November I’ve thought, “oh well, it is what it is and there it is” to cultivate some kind of equanimity. This was far more easily said than done.
The Unfortunate Incident made that reach for equanimity much more real. It is what it is. It will be what it will be; and what it will be is beyond my imagination. Depend upon it, it will concentrate a man’s mind wonderfully.
So I’m working on “chop wood, carry water.”
Or, more accurately, “wash the dishes and mow the lawn.”
frosty
Thanks for this John. I hope it helps you to write about it. Other than the ongoing shit tsunami, the only thing I’ve got in common is looking for a new house and trying to get this one ready to sell. Getting rid of stuff is a major chore, I feel your anxiety.
No words of wisdom from here other than chop wood, carry water, hang in there.
zhena gogolia
I had a big panic attack this morning. First one in years.
IT’S FUCKING TRUMP
ThaBuhjaysus
Cole,
I appreciate your transparency here. I’m dealing with an incredibly similar mental state as you are. The lack of focus and motivation. The doom scrolling as a default setting. We are of a similar age (I’ll be 53 next month) so I wonder how much middle age is having it’s way with me. If I eat with some restraint and get some exercise I always feel significantly better. I just struggle to maintain the motivation and routine.
As I sit here and ponder the future, I really should be using the coming unrest as a motivation for healthy structure in my life.
It’s always nice to feel like one is not alone.
zhena gogolia
You are such a good man, John. You are keeping so many of us going.
Omnes Omnibus
Timely post, John. The comments sections today had a number of people who sound like they are in a similar boat.
zhena gogolia
@Professor Bigfoot: So glad you’re home and doing better.
chrisanthemama
Thanks, Cole. One way or another, this darkness got to end. Grateful Dead – New Speedway Boogie (2020 Remaster) [Official Audio]
dc
John, you’ve made a huge positive impact in my life by running this blog. I don’t know if that helps to hear right now, but keep hearing it on repeat back there in your brain. You make life better for a lot of people. That’s really an important contribution to the world.
VFX Lurker
Hang in there, John. We’re all doing what we can to get through the day.
I’m trying to exercise more, eat better, and drink more water. I also need to get back into meditation and regular postcard writing again.
Argh. That sucks.
…and yes, it’s That Fucking Guy.
VFX Lurker
Amen. I so need to do this.
Wishing you good health now and better health ahead, Professor.
oldster
The best thing for what ails us all is community, and this is what your blog provides. So thanks for creating this space, John
Community the best thing, and also regular moderate physical exercise.
Community, exercise, and stylish red capes. I’ll come in again.
zhena gogolia
@VFX Lurker: The pain he is causing to humanity is overwhelming sometimes. But we have to keep going.
daize
Thank you, John. The community you have nurtured here is a special place for me and I know a lot of other folks.
I felt myself nodding vigorously to “Always there. Like the hum of an appliance in the background and the voices in the head shaming you for not doing the things you need to be and should be doing but can’t because every time you try to the voices come at you again with their self-doubt and self-loathing.”
Going to get back to working on that. Sometimes it takes a reminder like the one you have just given, so thank you again.
On another note, I have been getting into COVID mode — stocking up on toilet paper and kitty litter. (Have to be able to wipe and scoop….)
Take care, everyone.
Salty Sam
Thanks for the nudge Cole.
Family history of depression, maternal grandfather took his own life, and I’ve always been inclined to the dark side— my mom has always worried that I would take the path her father did. OTOH, I’ve always been receptive to therapy, and have had a succession of good therapists throughout my life.
Even though I tend to have a darker outlook than most, I am comfortable with it, and know that if things got unbearable, I’d know what to do and who to call.
If any of you here EVER feel that you cannot take it any more, please, for the love of all that is sacred, reach out for help!
satby
All that and ADHD, which at least has me sometimes literally turning in circles in a room, trying to decide what things I should start, just start, just pick up one thing dammit.
I hear you , and ❤️ you too.
This is my go to Grateful Dead song for times like these.
Mandarama
@zhena gogolia: I agree–my panic disorder was awful last summer and in the fall, because I was so terrified of Biden’s ousting and worried about the election afterward. I resent being forced to listen to and see Trump’s revolting self violate all my values on the daily.
I feel like he insists on using all 300 million-however-many there are of us as narcissistic supply, and I’m so very sick of it. We finally cut all our legacy media, because I could not be less interested in their coverage of this tired schtick. And yet he can’t be ignored. I’m trying for boundaries…and to remember Tim Walz’s framing. These fucking weirdos are sucking black holes of insecurity.
Joy in FL
Thanks for your post, John. Why is stuff so hard for people who simply want to live their lives and help where we can and not hurt people or animals or earth.
Everyone who commented is understanding and supportive. That is a good thing.
Sometimes I just want to quit. I’m afraid that I won’t do a right thing and that I will be a coward at a time when my help or presence is needed. I hate what 47 is doing, with all his evil allies. But for me, what I think is that the general horror of this time is a profound opening for me to grow into what I could never otherwise have grown into, without the grinding seriousness of what is at stake for all life on earth. Bringing myself back to that helps me stay with my self rather than internally collapsing.
In other circumstances, I would delete what I have written and not post it. Today, in some kind of solidarity with everyone who is weighed down and yet here, I’m posting it.
Devore
If it helps. Control what you can and do your best at putting the things you can’t out of your mind. Of course Im probably only the 200th person to say the same thing to you. What helped for me once was focusing especially one thing that I had full control over. Which was my diet. And losing some weight. Not a lot. But it was something that oddly helped
Summer
Good day, John Cole! I came back to the old blog because I read a poll that had support for Trump on Abrego Garcia at 31% and it reminded me of peak wingnut at 27%, the dark days of the war and the Bush administration and I read Balloon Juice every day to keep sane with the commenters here and photos of Lily and Rosie to look forward to. (I still come lurk some!)
You’re the best. I loved coming back to see a heartfelt post from you and I hope that the days get better to come, for you for all of us.
Alce _e_ardillo
Both me and my wife have long standing depression, to the point where we can joke about it with each other. Medication can help but can only take you so far. Therapy can be hit or miss, and now that I’m retired the money doesn’t stretch as far. It always helps to know that I am not the only one freaking out about Trump/Musk, and I am always looking for ways to plug-in, so to speak.
schrodingers_cat
I haven’t yet dealt with my mother’s sudden demise last fall. I am still in denial. My solace is art. If people are interested I could do a Zoom for adult coloring, how to get started what you need etc.
hells littlest angel
What I don’t get is the people who aren’t experiencing some degree of mental health crisis right about now.
Tehanu
I hear what you’re saying about loss of focus. Please remember you and this site have made — are making — this world a better place. Hope writing about this has helped and continues to help.
Jay
@oldster:
Did you not see The Incredibles?
No Capes.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YL3w73MAuIM
Salty Sam
@Salty Sam: missed the edit window:
I know that one thing that makes the darkness worse is the fact that I have a significant number of friends and family who, while not exactly raging MAGAs, did vote for him, support and defend him, and are ok with what has been happening. It limits who I can reach out to, because there is no way I can talk with them without losing my shit.
zhena gogolia
@Mandarama: Yeah.
zhena gogolia
@Salty Sam: That is so hard.
Ten Bears
Yeah, I’ve been thinkin’ about drinkin’ … Annoys me, that, been a long time
Nobody wants me to start drinking again. Trust me, no one wants me to start
Some anniversaries, a big one: 50, snuck up on me … that one’s never over
Some people passed, others become that they were not not too long ago
I’m stepping from it away for awhile. 25 years of blogging and bulletin boards
Given the witch hunts across the spectrum it’s probably prudent to lay low
We have to stop doing what we’re doing. It isn’t working …
PsiFighter37
These are tough times, John, but us oldies, newbies, and everyone in between will be here for ya.
Shakti
Thanks for the PSA, Cole. <3
I think some of what makes this hard is some people fearing they might be targeted based on their mental health or medical profiles, and having to act or not act accordingly. On top of everything else.
Gloria DryGarden
I long to hear more about this..
CaseyL
Luke O’Neil on BlueSky just posted:
I don’t know what to add to that, or to what you said, without it being redundant.
So far, I have not been directly affected – though, since I work for a Research & Teaching Medical Center, that could change any day, as the University and Hospital administrations deal with a never-ending barrage of funding cut-offs, visa cancellations, and other punitive actions. The uncertainty is always there, in the back of my mind. Not to mention the rage.
Regarding the changes coming to your life: Is it financially and logistically feasible for you to rent the Bethany house out rather than sell it? Are you ready to live in Arizona over the summer? (Yeah, it’s a dry heat, but it’s also 120+ degrees…in the shade.) If there’s no hurry to make final decisions about leaving Bethany once and for all, then don’t make them. Spend a summer in Arizona and see how you do. Tell your parents that you will not be available to assist their annual pilgrimage to their summer place in South Carolina, and see what they say.
You haven’t mentioned what’s going on professionally. Is that a consideration? I can totally see you and Joelle running a B&B in the mountains of Sedona: an outpost of anti-woo, with great food, and a pair of snarky-grumpy hosts. That would be hilarious, to tell the truth.
Aimai
Just so much love for you, JC.
Another Scott
Thanks for the post, JC, and for keeping the lights on. It’s important and greatly appreciated. You’ve built a great thing here that has helped many, many, many people and animals (of course).
If you haven’t seen it in a while, Admiral McRaven’s commencement address – If you want to change the world, make your bed – from 2014 (19:26) is very good. Doing even very little things can help your frame of mind.
One step at a time.
Keep us updated.
Best wishes,
Scott.
They Call Me Noni
Thank you for this post and its honest emotions. Every word resonated with me. Every. Word.
Many weeks the only thing that brings me joy is my 3 1/2 year old great granddaughter who comes on Wednesdays and Thursdays for “play dates”. She doesn’t think that I babysit her, she just knows she comes to Noni’s house those days and it is all about her (as it should be)! We go out and hike in the woods, wonder at the frogs and squirrels and name all the flowers. When I look at her and all her potential I feel like I need to stay engaged and do what I can to make this a better world for her and her generation. I draw inspiration from her curiosity, boundless energy and strait up sass. I hope she never loses any of those qualities.
Cheryl from Maryland
Thank you John for your frankness and compassion. Wayne, my spouse, died suddenly in late 2022. His mother was and is still alive. She is in a care center, but now in hospice (she is deaf and has no short term memory so …). I am the sole person handling her affairs. I was hanging in there mostly, and I’ve been seeing a therapist since Wayne’s death. But what Trump has done since January has sent me into a downward spiral, such that I’m now taking anti-depressants. Trump and his minions are destroying what has given me a life and joy since Wayne’s death – the FDA (he worked there), the Smithsonian (I worked there), art museums, the Kennedy Center, etc. I know my concerns are grace notes compared to the real suffering of those who experience want, hatred, and fear, so I am somewhat ashamed of my grief. But art enhances life, and under Trump and the GOP, life is impoverished and bereft. Thanks to my therapist, the clouds aren’t so dire as they were earlier this year.
trollhattan
Word. What does a class action suit take?
Tim C.
Being real here, I think Zoloft has literally saved my life the last year and a half. Get help folks. do what it takes.
coin operated
I keep trying to come up with something unique to add….and failing.
I hear ya, Cole. Feeling the same way.
trollhattan
News we can use.
Furrow Alert Level: Bryce Canyon.
The Audacity of Krope
Wait, so I’m not supposed to be feeling this way?
Mr. Bemused Senior
John, thank you again for creating and sustaining this community. It has been a blessing for me.
Although Bemused Senior was never formally diagnosed I can state with certainty she suffered from depression. I have faith you will make it through.
As if W wasn’t bad enough, now we have to cope with Trump. Bleah.
The Audacity of Krope
My very non-lawyerly understanding is that a class needs to be legitimized by the court and that that requires at least one named complainant to show actionable harm.
Matt McIrvin
I have this fear that if I seek any kind of help it will somehow lead to RFK Jr. putting me in a Wellness Macht Frei camp. I’m not convinced doctor-patient confidentiality means anything any more (when therapists talk about it, it’s like they think there is still rule of law) and the eugenics freaks are going to go after people with diagnoses, so it seems foolish to seek one out.
Mr. Bemused Senior
[in the voice of Beldar Conehead] That should not present a problem.
satby
@Cheryl from Maryland: Condolences Cheryl, on the loss of Wayne and the enjoyment you took in each other’s work and passions. Caring for your mother-in-law’s affairs is a hard job, but wherever Wayne is, he’s grateful for you taking it on. Your grief for the loss of essentially *everything* around your life is understandable.
Salty Sam
I wish I could say the same, but just knowing these things are happening affects me. Deeply.
Every time I hear about another person being disappeared (and now judges being arrested for protecting people who are going through the process), I cringe and wince inside.
Spouse told me a few minutes ago that she just read that DOJ is now claiming the right to enter our homes, schools, and businesses WITHOUT a warrant. Holy Fuck!
satby
@Salty Sam: Which will not hold up in court. Even conservative judges have been pretty consistently ruling against the regime on rights issues.
There are lots of things to worry about, but declarations by the lunatic and his minions aren’t laws, they’re a wish list. Reacting to every single outrageous proclamation is helping them, they’re trying to inspire fear and compliance in advance. Don’t help them.
Tim C.
@Matt McIrvin: I understand that fear, but a couple of things.
Trump’s main failing in his attempt at this kind of nonsense is he’s completely destroying state capacity to impliment policy at the same time he’s trying to defent 137 cases against his utterly illegal EOs at the same time.
Short version, as someone who has gotten help and is on meds is that I’m better equipped to fight back both mentally and physically when I’m mentally healthy. Trying to function with anxiety and depression is harder than dimond-plated differential calculus. We need everyone in this fight at 100%, and if it’s comes to those fears you are expressing, then we have already lost.
Also…my son has an ASD diagnosis. So…. yeah… I’ll be fighting for him too.
Have hope.
satby
@Matt McIrvin: it’s foolish not to get help if you need it. Don’t give them power they don’t have over you in advance.
A woman from anywhere (formerly Mohagan)
When my mother died some years ago, I was thrilled to learn there are companies which will throw an estate sale for you and then take the leftovers to St. Vincent de Paul or some such and give you a tax write off receipt for the donations. Of course I had to go through all the papers and deal with stuff she bequethed to folks, and finally take what I wanted from the household goods. But the estate sale folks cleaned the place out to the walls (sofas, everything), including the garage. Such a blessing. My realtor hooked me up.
A woman from anywhere (formerly Mohagan)
@dc: amen to this 🙏 ❤️
Soprano2
@schrodingers_cat: That’s normal, actually.
I started taking Prozac for anxiety because of hubby. It does help.
am
I don’t have a history of depression, but I have felt similarly. I’ve thought about it a lot and come to feel
– Society, aided by computers and software, is getting intrinsically more complicated
– Frequently it is made more complicated intentionally and maliciously
– This is being used as a form of pysops in social media to agitate people and make them more malleable for political and financial reasons
– This has been much easier with privately operated weaponized agentic AI tools
Getting off social media for the most part did wonders, but I know you don’t have that luxury.
Your saying that about executive function is so important. This is exactly why malls are massive and laid out confusingly, why casinos are loud and don’t have clocks, why tik tok incentivizes short form video and swiping, and it why the gish-gallop works. Lots of names around the same thing, like https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gruen_transfer, decisions fatigue, cognitive load, etc.
It make people want to fuck off, more likely to give into their worse impulses, and more susceptible to suggestible.
If helps when you recognize this and can put a name to it. Invisible enemies are no fun. Be well and take care of yourself. These are bad and trying times, and us good guys have to win.
satby
@am: Great points. Agree.
Salty Sam
@satby: yep, I agree. It’s just the claims are so batshit crazy that… well, you know.
Denali5
Your state is totally understandable in the present crisis we are facing. What a different world it was when a real President was in charge! We have to hope that we can stand fast for the next few years. Take each day as a gift, and just do one thing or make one decision that needs to be made. Be kind to yourself.
Yutsano
I’ve managed to avoid the worst of the possible existential dread. Turns out so many people resigned from my division that we’re avoiding the RIF entirely. This, however, is going to be very problematic for a lot of people. Congress literally can’t do constituent services without the Taxpayer Advocate Service. Add in the fact that a lot of case advocates resigned means a lot of work for those of us who remained means my backlog is about to get even steeper. But that’s not the very worst part.
No.
The fact that this was all INTENTIONAL is what really gourds me.
Plus all of a sudden there won’t be any money for the Deferred Resignation
Scamprogram & all the people who took it will be SOL.zhena gogolia
@Cheryl from Maryland: I’m so sorry for your loss.
zhena gogolia
@am: Yes. Have you heard of a little thing called Workday?
It is the work(day) of the Devil incarnate.
PsiFighter37
On the upshot, I peruse some airline blogs and just saw some call the felon “Pol Pot-Belly”. That’s a keeper for sure. Made my early evening.
Betty
These are incredibly distressing times, not only for those in the US but for many in places around the world. It can be overwhelming. Looking for internal peace, enjoying the good people and things near you and seeking help when needed. These are the tools we have to turn to to get through this. Thank you, John, for providing this place of respite and showing us time and again what a good person you are.
Joy in FL
@Gloria DryGarden: Here’s a little more (re comment #35) : For me, the pressure (political, climate, etc.) is fiercely intense and sustained. I feel two choices: give in or change/grow.
Without this exact pressure, I could manage to continue to be as I have been. I appear to be normal, well-balanced, not a mess as a human being. But … there is an abyss. In that abyss (within me, possibly something like my unconscious and where my unconscious overlaps the collective unconscious) is space and potential where I can become … kind of like how coal can become a diamond, but without the pressure, coal remains perfectly useful and respectable coal.
Gloria, normally I would take an hour to craft a response like this. But in this case, I decided simply to reply in the moment. I remember you commenting on the blog (not to me personally) some weeks ago that you would like to talk about some topics. I replied to your comment that I would talk with you. You probably didn’t see it. But I still would.
Manyakitty
@zhena gogolia: I sat at my desk and ugly cried for a while this morning.
Like John, I have Zero executive function. My Adderall Rx doesn’t touch it. My previously beloved job has turned to a misery and it takes me at least 2-3 times as long to kind of get my work done. (The extra time comes at the expense of my nights and weekends because I know I’m not staying focused during the day).
Don’t have it in me to polish my CV and start sending it out but I need to live inside and I’ll be shocked if I don’t get shown the door long before the end of the year.
If not for my cats, I’d be making plans to leave.
Ugh.
Matt McIrvin
@satby:
I don’t have a sense for how often those rulings are actually being obeyed and how often they’re just ignored. In the end, what matters is not what the law says or what a judge says, it’s what the guy pointing a gun at you says.
Manyakitty
@satby: love that song. This one works, too. https://youtu.be/a9Bs4xhDyxw?si=n4cwvHNqYryjiPwg
Feels like all I do is spin my wheels and run in circles. Zero focus.
Manyakitty
@schrodingers_cat: or we could just sit and color. I have a ton of pencils and books.
MagdaInBlack
@zhena gogolia: We use Workday. It is just the fukn worst.
kalakal
@schrodingers_cat:
The denial is normal. I tried to pretend I was handling my father’s death ok for months. Finally I was persueded by my closest friends I wasn’t and I went to counseling. Worked for me, I realised it was working when I started to find it irritating, before that I was like a zombie, I was so closed off
MagdaInBlack
I have been swirling the black hole ever since Harris didn’t win. I am better now, but I sure can feel the pull.
I suppose one cannot expect to be well adjusted in the current fucked up environment.
I’m glad you made this post, John. Thank you.
“Just keep swimming” Dory says.
eat to add: I have always struggled with depression and anxiety, but the pull has been rougher lately.
am
@zhena gogolia: I have been using Workday for probably 10-15 years now. At first it was actually pretty nice next to Peoplesoft, ADP, and other HRMS/HCM, but over time they made it more customizable. Every piece of software that has done this gets worse as it becomes consultant-ware, and they became what they had opposed. Plus ca change. There are older and fouler systems in the deeps of software than Workday (looking at you, EHR/EMR).
Geminid
My depression self-care program is to get plenty of sleep, and avoid people with negative energy. I think regular exercise helps too.
Steve LaBonne
The nugget of good amid all that tough stuff is that I can hear you being kind to yourself. I hope you can continue to do that- with that, everything else becomes possible, even if it’s sometimes hellaciously hard. (And from everything you’ve written about Joelle it’s obvious that you made one hell of a good decision there!)
narya
@oldster: nice. Nobody expected that.
Cheryl from Maryland
@zhena gogolia: Thank you. This blog is full of kindly, caring people.
Another Scott
Speaking of Popehat…
:-)
Best wishes,
Scott.
zhena gogolia
@Manyakitty: I’m so sorry.
No One of Consequence
@oldster: ROFL. I could almost see the outrageous mustachios, WWI flying helmets. and red robes. I always loved Palin’s delivery of that line.
-NOoC
TS
@Cheryl from Maryland: So many share your grief both in your personal loss & in what is happening to the museums, galleries and art centres, and I would add the parks and gardens and all that is the recreational and historical parts of our lives and nations. The current admin is taking everything that is honest and good & replacing it with lies and hate. They do not enjoy these things, so hate that others may.
I don’t live in the states but what is happening there (and world wide) has my stress levels so high, my house is looking cleaner that it has in years, as I use my mothers advice and scrub floors and polish windows – exhaustion dulls other thoughts.
Phylllis
Currently reading Careless People by Sara Wynn-Williams about her time at Facebook. This is exactly what they’re doing.
The Audacity of Krope
Sounds like a MAGA cap…
No One of Consequence
@Jay: I believe you will find this is the reference in question, unless I am mistaken:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cj8n4MfhjUc
Enjoy this classic.
-NOoC
Manyakitty
@zhena gogolia: thanks. We’re all struggling. So thankful for John and this blog.
BellyCat
Cole… Let yourself be content without guilt.
You have found a VERY patient companion (Joelle has eyes wide open, bless her soul!) and it’s OK to be aware of pain experienced by others and sympathetic to it without having to live it yourself. In other words, get your head out of your ass. If today feels good, it IS good.
narya
Thank you John, and all the rest of you jackals, too. I struggle too, including with a kind of survivor’s guilt, because consulting fell into my lap and is helping reduce my financial worry. But the daily news of the fascism … oof. Plus I’m my family’s therapist and emotional translator.
David Collier-Brown
@zhena gogolia:
I’m just hoping to not get the four-word telegram (email, these days}
REPORT WOLSLEY
BRING BOOTS
Motivated Seller
Should we talk about addiction to the little screen in our pockets? It’s not all booze, nicotine, and painkillers nowadays. Just as destructive.
zhena gogolia
@David Collier-Brown: I don’t know what that reference is. Maybe I don’t want to!
Steve LaBonne
@Professor Bigfoot: Professor, I’ve been out of town and mostly off the interwebs for a couple of days- do I correctly surmise that your cath results were encouraging?
prostratedragon
@Omnes Omnibus: Oh yeah.
Ohio Mom
This post and thread is just what I needed right now, I could identify with all of it. I feel less alone.
I am also feeling scattered. Its amazing to me how little I can get accomplished in a day. I wake up most nights around four in the morning, it’s anxiety, most of my life I’ve been a very good sleeper.
Beth in VA
Thank God for this blog and community. Big thanks and plea to John and all to be gentle and kind to yourselves.
am
@Phylllis:
I haven’t read it, but it is industry news and I’ve followed it.
Remember Robert Mercer was a brilliant computer scientist and co-CEO of the pre-eminent hedge fund in the world before being and investor and owner of Cambridge Analytica along with Steve Bannon.
Mercer was a pioneer in AI/ML (https://community.ibm.com/community/user/ai-datascience/blogs/kiruthika-s2/2023/10/23/decoding-the-secrets-of-renaissance-technologies). They have surpassed them now but Meta and Alphabet were babies compared to quant funds.
The tools are 1000 times more powerful than in 2015. You could field armies of sock puppets with the sole goal of softening the societal cohesion of a nation, without needing a nation state’s resources.
Lots of people are feeling and acting distressed because there are vested interests making that so. Brexit didn’t just happen. the 2016 and 2024 elections didn’t just happen. The Canadian Convoy protest didn’t just happen. It goes on.
K-Mo
Peace to you, John.
Keep working on good emotional hygiene to side-step the spirals. Things are bad, no doubt. But we can still push onward.
Gloria DryGarden
@Joy in FL: thank you.
no I didn’t see it, I forget what I asked about now; I’m used to the way some comments disappear unseen, or only seen silently.
I’m sure whatever I inquired about matters to me. I’d be grateful to talk with you. You are welcome to request my email address, or find me on blue sky, same nym.. I would like that.
how to turn the pressure into diamonds…
So far, I’ve been spinning since last June, tons of personal stuff to set to rights, so I don’t know that I’m growing my character, it’s just writing, storytelling, and trying to accomplish some tiny step. The only thing I’ve improved is I’m writing lots, some nights. However mediocre it may be, I find it valuable to follow the urge, write it all down when it comes, discover later that some of it is decent, or can touch one or two people.
like manyakitty and satby describe, and others. Inner and outer challenges.
For everyone, I just heard a tiny short video, this guy describes horses that are tough after living through cold Dakota winters, -40, snowdrifts of 5 feet, mountain lions. Then he says, you are tough like that too:
wmd
I’m really blessed as far as mental health – any time circumstances could make me depressed I have a very brief period of demoralization and then I rally.
Cancer 8 years ago is a good example of that – I got diagnosed in April 2017 after 3 sets of diagnostic imaging and a needle biopsy. Getting the pathology report was a depressing circumstance. But literally the next day I had extra energy and was engaged in figuring out my plan for getting treatment (I had a facebook memory come up yesterday that detailed how I would talk with my tumor board – when I did so I had 3 pages of notes with a bibliography of the physician’s relevant publications)! I also was driving hard at work.
Like I said I’m really blessed. I’ve lived with people with with depression, and with people with schizophrenia. I’ve seen their struggles – it’s hard.
Hang in there JC. You’ll make good decisions when you need to. Take small steps like this post.
Nukular Biskits
Empathize, agree and concur.
Good ol’ NB has some personal issues which I’ll talk about somewhere else down the line. Suffice it to say that the current environment due to the actions of this mal-administration have not helped my mood, particularly when I read shit like this:
Politico: Judge says 2-year-old US citizen appears to have been deported with ‘no meaningful process’
I have enough shit to deal with in my own life without these fucking monsters going after the innocent and defenseless.
Depression and furious/righteous anger. A helluva mix.
SW
Baseball. I just lose my self in the tedium of baseball. The Diamond Backs are a fun team. Give them a shot.
Jay
@am:
https://lexisantamaria.substack.com/p/top-10-insane-moments-from-the-facebook
Cheryl from Maryland
@satby: Thank you so much. This blog demonstrates how many kind and caring people there are.
hitchhiker
I hope you know, Cole, that a lot of people watch for your thoughts to appear and find comfort, value, humor, humanity when they do.
All I can say by way of my own self-care is that whenever I can be where people are singing together, I feel some relief. I’m sorry to say that my own once-reliable voice has gone kinda creaky, but it’s enough just to be there. There’s a reason so many churches have hymns, and it has nothing to do with praising FSM or any other deity.
It has to do with some brain thing that happens when voices join. Same thing for moving in unison.
Matt McIrvin
@am:
This is apropos of nothing, but I’m kind of fascinated by the way that, when shopping malls in the US started dying, people went overnight from saying that the growth of shopping malls epitomized the death and emptiness of American culture, to saying that the decay of shopping malls epitomized the death and emptiness of American culture.
Eolirin
Popping in just to let everyone know I’m still alive.
I am so very tired though. And you know I think that’s the thing that’s the hardest thing to deal with for me, at least. When things are hard it robs me of my voice. Words won’t really come. I feel that loss really keenly.
But I hope we can all continue to persist as best as we can. Love to you all.
Jay
@Matt McIrvin:
Consumerism.
The growth showed that “Mercans were more interested in acquiring stuff than values.
The decline show’s that “Mercans can no longer afford Mall consumerism, but instead can only afford Amazon.
Instant gratification as a culture.
Eolirin
@Jay: Or, you know, there’s a category of people constantly looking for some symbol or reason for why their culture is in obvious decline, and it doesn’t really matter how true that is, only that it sounds plausible.
BellyCat
Public Service Announcement: Some jackals may be wondering whether they are outraged appropriately and manageably, or whether some help could help.
Anecdata: If you’re feeling like you are “sleep-walking” and/or are “numb”, that’s a decent “reach out for help” signal. SSRI’s may not be a “be all, end all” solution for you, but in a week or two, you will at least have a better idea where you ‘should’ and ‘can’ be if your train has jumped the tracks.
Sure, therapy, too. If you can afford therapy AND are prepared to switch around until you connect, therapy can be great. SSRI’s are often cheaper and easier to get one over the hump.
Some of us may recall the Time magazine cover with the Monk wired up with some 30 brain stimulus monitors decades ago. The conclusion that I recall is that SSRIs can do for an individual in roughly two weeks what 30 years of meditation by a Monk can achieve. I can attest to this.
Jay
@Eolirin:
Yeah, Lazerpig on You Tube is ripping “Cultural Marxism” a new a-hole.
In honour of ANZAC Day, Animarchy took on the Emu Wars, and ended it with the Sparrow Wars, (Great Leap Forward, Great Proletarian Cultural Revolution,)
Matt McIrvin
Oh, good God, Bob Fucking Avakian has started running grifty YouTube ads railing against the Trump fascist regime. He’s still alive? I suppose he’s going to be talking up Mao Zedong and telling people not to vote again? How am I supposed to have any mental health with that going on?
Eolirin
@BellyCat: SSRIs are great when they work, but for people with moderate to severe depression, that’s only about 30% of the time. It’s absolutely worth trying if you’re not known medication resistant because that 30% can see really big improvements from it.
Transcranial-magnetic-stimulation is absolutely worth looking into if you’re medication resistant. It’s also not a guarantee, a good 20-40% of people have no response to that either, but that’s a substantially higher response rate than just about everything else that’s currently available
Also, that SSRI vs meditation thing sounds very unlikely to be meaningful, as the goals of meditation and ssris are wildly divergent. SSRIs cannot improve insight in a meaningful way, though they can help provide a more fertile ground to do that work. Meditation isn’t about making you feel happy.
Eolirin
@Matt McIrvin: Step one, avoid social media and YouTube as much as humanly possible.
Harrison Wesley
@Matt McIrvin: There’s a blast from the past. Haven’t heard his name in years.
ronno2018
great post, hang in there!
I will need to read the comments above but I can relate!
My wife passed away suddenly from natural causes while overseas seven years ago. I got our daughter through college and the pandemic right afterwards, and that was my goal. She is doing great but now fell directionless and alone.
I will just keep trying to hang in there I guess. Current political situation makes it hard, but I will donate and protest and find a community somehow.
Joy in FL
@Gloria DryGarden: I checked with WaterGirl to make sure it would be ok for you to ask her for my email. She said it would be fine. So we could be in touch
I’m signing off the internet for the evening.
ArchTeryx
I’m in very late to the mental health thread, but I suffer massively from both physical and mental problems: The main physical one being Crohn’s Disease, the main mental one being autism. “High-Functioning” they used to call it. Why else would I show up as my furry character on a political blog?
Desperation, to be quite honest. This is one of the only places that understood just how terrifying political developments were in the past, from Bush’s re-election in 2004 to both of Trump’s elections and the subsequent attacks on my life.
In a previous thread, I’d mentioned that I have suicidal ideation. A lot. When you suffer as much as I do on a daily basis, it starts feeling like terminal illness, and euthanasia the only rational choice. But I’ve managed to collect one thing, one wretched thing, in my 53 trips around the sun:
Friends.
Found family. Ohana. To kill myself would be to leave them behind. Even some folks here seemed to genuinely care whether I showed up tomorrow or not, and while I will never, ever be as beloved as folks like OzarkHillbilly, at least my presence makes a difference for someone. And besides, I kill myself, the fascist bastards win and own me forever.
Not on my watch.
Ceci7
I’ve been really struggling for the past couple of weeks: more severe depression than what I’m used to, and decision fatigue that makes my paid gig, my caregiving responsibilities, and my volunteer work all feel fucking impossible. Thank you for this post and all the thoughtful comments – they do the heart good.
Today’s other spirit lifter: listening to Rose’s Books of All Time podcast.
Eolirin
@ArchTeryx: There is a point where terminal illnesses start to feel attractive because at least they end.
But the feeling usually passes, eventually.
Community really is vitally important though.
Me
@VFX Lurker: Psychological warfare is a powerful tool of the enemy. Not a bully or bomb is needed. It’s well understoood by authoritarians.
EthylEster
Thanks, Cole. I don’t drop by everyday anymore. But I appreciate you detecting and reporting on your inner state. I’ve been noticing these same types of changes and it’s bizarre. I am so knocked off my even keel. How fragile I feel. And I have never felt fragile before. Vulnerable, yes. But this is way beyond vulnerability. And I ruminate on topics you mentioned. Hang in there. And remember that you were a big part of creating and developing this place. It is a comfort to many. That’s something!
mayim
Late <fashionably?> to the party, as usual. Rarely on-line on Shabbat <I usually need to disconnect> but this week,I need my friends who live in my phone ~ and that includes you guys, even though I rarely post.
I’ve spent more than a decade building the life I want ~ and
havehad the life I worked so hard for… until yesterday.A month ago, an EO said IMLS <the federal agency that supports museums and libraries> needed to cut to only statutory funding, which goes to every state as LSTA funding. LSTA funding = congressionally appropriated.
Well, two weeks ago, Maine couldn’t pull down its LSTA funds. A third of [non-management] library staff are federally funded to administer programs like talking books for the blind and affordable Internet service for small/rural libraries.
My position is state-funded. I thought I’d survived the lay-offs. But yesterday I got a lay-off notice ~ someone with a bit more seniority displaced me. It was a complete surprise ~ the process was close to over, so I was hoping my unique job title had blocked a bump. But it didn’t. So my last day at my dream job will be May 8.
Everything is still being worked out ~ the state librarian won’t know until Monday who will be staying and who will be leaving her with a staff of about 25 or so instead of a staff of 39. On the other hand, if the lawsuit in RI goes the way it should, everything might be ok and we can burn our lay-off letters. I’m not optimistic, given the current state of things ~ but they uncertainty is there.
But, yeah, not good for my lifelong major depressive disorder. Fighting to not spiral to a really dark place… I’ll make it, but only need to fight it because the unelected idiots have pulled the plug and the elected idiots aren’t standing up to them.
And the kicker? The amount Maine gets to run all these programs that help the elderly, physically impaired, rural/poor children, libraries have affordable high-speed Internet, and ebooks? About $1.6 million dollars ~ for one year. Practically peanuts!
IMLS costs American taxpayers approximately 75 cents per year… for the whole country, not just Maine.
cain
You have always been the solid foundation of this blog and why I keep coming here. I love the other front pagers but you are fucking magic. We all know it.
It has been hard and I have layoffs to go through and my wife has a concussion, a horrible work environment where even a black therapist was appalled..
How do we travel ? Go to the store as a non-white. But I feel bad for anyone with latin American heritage. Cant even think what Venezuelans citizens and immigrants here are feeling.
Jay
@ArchTeryx:
I also have suicidal Ideation.
When my mind raises the issue, the response I channel is “there is no money in it”.
I have people I have to care for, support.
Maybe that idea will help.
Me
A reader on and off for years. Unsure why my comment about psychological warfare was banned as a comment.
Gloria DryGarden
@ArchTeryx: It is hard work, to walk through the times of suicidal ideation. I went through a year of it, I know. I used to time how frequently the thoughts came, like labor pains.
When I realized I had the means, possible methods in the other room, I told myself, no, don’t even go looking for it. It stops here. Use the phone, or go to a meeting, if you need to. I laid on the floor, crying.
I collected other peoples stories, why we didn’t kill ourselves in that moment..
Thank you for your labor, staying alive. A person who dies, leaves tears in the dream catcher web of us all, and the grandmothers, our ancestors, who stand in a circle holding the dream catcher, they notice, too. A rip at one node of the web ripples out to at least three degrees of separation. You’re right, your people would notice.
it’s beyond thank you, it’s beyond admiration , or congratulations. It’s deep respect, and a deep breath, a small recognition.
Jay, it’s for you, too.
zhena gogolia
@mayim: I pray things will work out for you.
Those evil bastards.
WTFGhost
I’ve been trying to say something, that touches on to what you say. What do you owe yourself, with respect to emotional states? Well… I say you owe yourself infinite compassion, within the moment, for all bothersome emotional states.
Where you are – whatever emotions you are feeling – there’s no shame to that. Not in this moment, not in your own head. You need to believe that, so you can identify what you are feeling, without any bullshit standing in the way. You can’t decide you’re angry, when you’re really just frustrated, because that’s bullshit, and some of the worst possible kind.
And when I say there’s no shame to that, I don’t care if you just threw a tantrum over not having the last half-Chips Ahoy(tm) cookie, because someone else ate your last half-cookie… there’s no shame in the moment, but, when we step back to normal time, let’s ask how many tantrums, over pettiness, how frequently, just as a by-golly diagnostic. I mean – hopefully half-cookie tantrums don’t dominate your life to the point that they should be ignored.
And further, in the moment, there’s no shame if you have seriously been giving in to petty anger, and you know it, and you’re not sure why, but it’s partly deliberate.
Outside the moment, you have to address the deliberate shit head on. But in the moment, you need perfect compassion to see if you’re being an ass, what kind of ass you’re being, how you’ve contributed to being this particular hypothetical-ass, and, other factors.
These other factors – me, I’m in pain, okay? In an annoying roomie situation, I’ll be cranky, and I’ll be open – “sorry, my bad, you’re right, I’m in pain, I sometimes snap without thinking, try to be patient.”
You have a perfect excuse to put your pain front and center, if, and when, it really is that badly front-and-center for you, but, not as a way to excuse your own simple rudeness.
Well – you can see, from the description, reasons why you need infinite compassion for your emotional state. Let’s all run through our morbid jokes, of which “Dexter” alone was far, far too many. The whole point is, to have the compassion to say “wow, I’m thinking kinda like a serial killer, maybe I should carefully consider my life’s next choices.”
Another thing I’ve noticed, is, my neuro pain can trigger painful emotional states, and trigger painful memories (or, more accurately, remembered pain – *BAM* just like it happened a moment ago!).
Again: infinite compassion. If my brain is coming up with really dark thoughts due to really dark places in my brain being brought to the fore, if I’m feeling horrible emotions due to pain, it’s important to recognize that. “That’s not an ordinary PTSD response – that was due to pain,” is the sort of thing I have to keep track of. See, if you don’t catch a rough emotion, bring it in from out of the cold, and coddle it until it speaks in a truth that shines through, because of your polishing of the roughness to…
…. Damn, I wore the eff out of that analogy. But don’t let my self deprecating humor obscure the point. Infinite compassion is what lets you learn to handle the rough emotions, and bring them into your understanding, so you can shed bunches of pains before they have a chance to hurt.
It lets you recognize sometimes a bad memory or bad emotional state, that’s all just pain. You could feel something – something ‘bad’, though not necessarily like a serious injury – and then the memory popped into your head, while you were putting out small emotional and memorial fires.
That’s when I realized I was being a snob, and not nearly so compassionate with myself as I was to others. If my pain makes it happen, that’s “okay,” see, that’s allowed, and I was ever-so-self-compassionate.
But when I realized part of my grief was just plain old “being human,” well, it offended me a bit. Like, that couldn’t be happening, not to me, I’m careful to watch myself, for signs of problems.
Yeah, and, it’s easy to spot the sign of a problem when you can say “It’s pain,” but not nearly so easy as when it’s the same old stuff that blinds each and every one of us, each in our own special way.
WTFGhost
@Eolirin: Oh, you haven’t learned how some of the deep despair works, see, you’d get the terminal illness, on top of your current misery, and… um….
Maybe not the right thread for this response.
@ArchTeryx: Glad you’re hanging tough.
Lyrebird
@mayim: Glad you are reaching out in this rotten mess of a time!
I once went to a conference in central Maine, in a rental car with a CD player. I enjoyed blasting “Mayim Mayim” into the night sky as I drove down the highway. I give you that image and hope your friends in your phone bring you some good support.
Currants
@dc: JC, hear, hear!
and…well…same. Wouldn’t have imagined that my 65th yr would be …this one.
BellyCat
@Eolirin: This is interesting info. Thanks!
My take on the SSRI angle, personally, is that “insight” (a la “meditation”) is a higher order goal and unlikely as well as superfluous. The goal is to “get out of the well”, not sit atop the mountain. As I understand it, the theory is that the more frequent a productive line of thinking is, the stronger and more dominant the neural pathway becomes; thus, the easier it is to access.
On a personal level, I was able to find an “Oh, this is how it should work” frame of reference which, even without SSRI’s, was easier to strive towards — similar to seeing familiar landmarks when physically lost, but in this case it was like being mentally lost, then recognizing the way home of one really tried.
Notably, the one drawback to SSRI’s that I encountered was that life’s most enjoyable activity (nudge, nudge, wink wink) became more… elusive (if you know what I mean and I think you do). Thus, I bailed on SSRI’s as a longterm solution. Could have been the formulation, but two variants yielded similar results .
Overall, knowing “where to be” mentally was well worth it though, as the hardest part is often not realizing when one is adrift.
Not sure if this makes any sense and apologies for the TMI (which is shared in the interests of SCIENCE!)
Sister Golden Bear
Thanks for being transparent, John. And major hugs, if hugs are OK.
Me too, me too… I’ve added meds, talking it out, doing all the things, and yet… I’m still battling all this. My shrink says she feels like she’s dispensing suntan lotion to people on fire because things are so fucked up.
One thing I did realize is that it’s not as much anxiety as dread — the difference is anxiety is about things that might happen, while dread is about things that are or will happen. It brought a small measure of comfort in an odd way, i.e. not it’s not my brain making shit up, bad shit is going down.
Making escape plans has helped a bit, OTOH they’ve also introduced a new round of Big Feelings. Leaving the state I love and have lived almost all my life. The stress of figuring out how to do the move. The anxiety of whether I’ll be able to leave in time before trans people aren’t able to. But at least feeling like I’m making plans is better than just feeling frozen while I watch the walls close in.
Joy in FL
@mayim: I hope you will be ok, and your job will continue to be there for you to do.
I had a minute, so I called one of my MAGA Senators and described the harm that this “efficiency” is doing. I used your words about what the funds provide. I am going to call the other Senator and also the MAGA rep and tell them the same kind of thing.
It won’t change their minds, but they need to hear from me and hear the harm they are doing.
I hope you will be ok.
BellyCat
@ronno2018: You did well by your daughter against the toughest challenge imaginable. Keep looking up even when you’re down. You might very well find unexpected positives where you least expect them. Sending strength and light your way.
Matt McIrvin
The COVID pandemic really hit me hard because it was the classic paranoid’s situation made real: various normally reasonable people accused me of being irrationally anxious, ruled by fear, and as far as I could tell, from the best available scientific data, my anxiety was right and everyone else was wrong. This isn’t supposed to happen; it’s a Philip K. Dick novel. But it seemed like mental health then was a luxury we couldn’t afford–normal, healthy thoughts told people it was OK to go out in public, because that’s what normal healthy people do, and it was killing them.
Gloria DryGarden
@BellyCat: whether some help could help.
a friend has recently done a course of the magnetic brain treatments. It seems he was weary and processing for a time after that. I’ll ask how it’s helped him.
I’m grateful that an antidepressant got me through a rough time in my 30s. It unfortunately left me with an ongoing side effect- dry mouth. Which has continued since then for decades. And has been ruinous for my teeth.
are depressed people good at self care? Are depressed people who can’t sleep (ptsd) and who eat late snacks to self-medicate?
Later, I did a course of acupuncture, with intent to beat depression. It made a huge difference.
enough on that. Inspired by a lot of people’s shares on this thread, in particular one person,
tonight,
I wrote a despair poem, that included an amusing reference to a late night respite poetry thread, and a game you shared, gravity, and that moment where I wrote an alliterative poem about your movement game. Thank you for showing up again in one of my little poems.
ps #133 was NOT TMI
Jay
@Matt McIrvin:
I was an “essential worker” during covid, working retail.
After the initial period of “care”, (stay at home, wear a mask, limit people in spaces, etc), I quickly realized that most people did not care.
When I started out wearing a disposable surgical mask, (changed every hour) under a cloth mask with a MS113 filter, it was to protect others.
It very quickly became to protect me and my family only.
Covid did a big hit on communities and empathy for others.
Gloria DryGarden
@Jay: if you were to go, before your time, all the fish, in all the rivers you’ve fished, and all the land you’ve walked, or camped upon, and so clearly loved,
would cry out.
it would cause a minor earthquake.
just saying.
pieceofpeace
John, I sought help for some time, when I experienced the same reactions from enormous stress, uncertainty and fear.
This was a quote given to me by my capable, warm therapist on my first appointment. It became a daily read, until learning, realizing, that I was “it,” and have any and all the power to effect change, mostly in how I choose what my mind thinks. Best of fortune to you.
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1154412-nietzsche-was-the-one-who-did-the-job-for-me
Soprano2
@Geminid: I think if I didn’t exercise regularly the stress would be unbearable. I have to miss yoga once a week for support group, but I need support group.
Soprano2
@hitchhiker: I agree, singing in my choir is another stress reliever. There is scientific evidence of the healing power of music.
mayim
@Lyrebird:
A rotten time it is.
I’m just thankful that those of us whose bodies don’t produce the right amounts of serotonin have the option of storebought instead of homemade.
The two little pills I take mean that I can be at <mostly> functional adult ~ I love the outdoors and garden work, and they help, but that’s not enough ~ I really do need better living through chemistry. As I have found out the hard way when medical people have had me stop antidepressants when I seemed to be “fixed.”
mayim
@schrodingers_cat:
I would love to join in a Zoom like that!
It’s ok to not “be over” your mother’s death. Grief isn’t either linear or time-bound. Be gentle with yourself and let yourself feel what you need to, when you need to. That’s the advice I was given after my mother died, so I’m passing it on, in case it helps.
mayim
@Joy in FL:
Thanks so much for calling. Libraries are important ~ and the poorer/more rural a community, the more important the library is.
mayim
@Joy in FL:
Thanks for calling! Every little bit helps ~ we never know what the tipping point will be.
One of my hobbies is knitting. I frequently joke that no one knows better than knitters that doing the same little things over and over can produce some beautiful. So I hope your calls, my calls, and everyone else’s calls add up to a nice sweater or shawl.
I love my patrons ~ one of the participants in my weekly program told me today that my programs and I had gotten them through COVID so they will get me through this. One of the compensations balancing out low librarian salaries: getting to know so many wonderful people
Apologies for the semi-duplicated comments; WP had seemed to eat the first one.
Gloria DryGarden
@mayim: the libraries in Denver have been a godsend, especially for poorer folks. We use it for so much!
Jacqueline Squid Onassis
I hear this. I’ve suffered from depression and suicidal ideation my whole life and the last year and a half have been full of suicidal crises (including having my therapist drop me after the last one). I have my doubts that there’s a solution but I’m trying – new therapist, psych meds (ugh!), all of that. But here’s the thing… For the last 5 years (even before my suicidal crises) I’ve been asking where the help I need is. It turns out that you can’t even access (never mind find out about) that help until you’ve been to an ER due to your mental illness.
It’s fucking awful and, even with my problems, I know there are lots of people who need that help even more than I do. With the nazis in charge, there’s no chance we’re going to get that help.
Noskilz
In this period turbulent idiocy, it is important to take care of yourself and not let it wreck you.
Black Onion
@Jacqueline Squid Onassis:
BellyCat
@Gloria DryGarden: :-)
Miss Bianca
I was going to comment yesterday on this post but actually felt too low to do so. Only sorta kidding….
That said, I feel ya, JC, and everyone here going through a similar mental state. My personal state of depression consists of a nagging conviction that I’m always behind, never doing enough, I feel guilty taking any kind of break because SO!MANY!THINGS!, and then over all of it is the “why bother caring about anything – it’s all going to go to shit no matter what you do” feeling. It’s not one black dog – it’s a pack of them.
I just keep on truckin’, at a moderate pace, and try to do what I can do. As my colleague at the paper (87 years old and still sharp a tack – he’s my inspiration) puts it in the headline of his new column:
“Do what you can, with that you have, where you are”.
Miss Bianca
@Miss Bianca: with “what” you have, not “that”. Oh well.
Creature_NYC
Delurking to say thank you, John, and to all the thoughtful people here. It helps.
Kayla Rudbek
@The Audacity of Krope:
@trollhattan: yep, you need a plaintiff or group (the class) of plaintiffs with actual harm that can be remedied by ordering the defendant to stop doing something and/ or to pay the plaintiff money, and you need to be in the correct court (the law runs with the turf)
Kayla Rudbek
@Yutsano: I worry about my father-in-law because he volunteered to take the “fork in the road” after 50+ years in federal service. And I’m not sure if they got my mother-in-law’s health insurance squared away properly or not. In his position, I probably would have put in for regular retirement and made sure that my spouse would have health insurance squared away properly. But this may be one of the examples of why my mother-in-law divorced him (no annulment and they got legally remarried, I don’t question them about it)
Kayla Rudbek
@am: I have to use Peoplesoft at work and I find it annoying. There’s worse out there than that?
Kayla Rudbek
@Sister Golden Bear: yeah, I have had some bad nightmares that feel different than a normal dream (like precognitive visions that are coming from far away in space time so I don’t hear things clearly, I can only watch). Unfortunately I probably can’t leave the country or seek foreign citizenship…