After all the music talk in last night’s threads, I thought this might amuse people:
Bob Dylan: folk-rock legend, poet-spokesman of his generation . . . and GPS voice?
Maybe. The enigmatic troubadour said on his satellite radio program that he is negotiating with two car manufacturers to be the voice of their in-car navigation systems. Insert your own Dylan-lyric pun here about “no direction home” or “there must be some way out of here” or “how many roads . . . .”
The wonder of this might not be that Dylan is selling out — he has already done that by appearing in ads for Victoria’s Secret, Pepsi, Cadillac and others, and he’ll be singing “Here Comes Santa Claus” on a forthcoming Christmas album — but that his famously raspy and mumbly voice would be suited for directions-challenged drivers.
c u n d gulag
If “you don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows,” I guess you don’t need clear, concise instructions in something vaguely resembling English.
MikeJ
Stuck inside of Mobile with the Memphis blues again…
beltane
A stoned sounding Keith Richards would be better, especially for those who like to drink and drive.
JenJen
The Dave Matthews GPS (per Jimmy Fallon):
http://www.latenightwithjimmyfallon.com/video/clips/dave-matthews-gps-6409/1118041/
:-)
(and preemptively, no, I’m not comparing Dave Matthews to Bob Dylan. Just thought it was funny.)
smiley
What’s the point? I mean for the car makers. Is Dylan’s voice supposed to be a selling point? I rather it was Mike Myers doing his Dr. Evil voice.
JGabriel
“What? Wait, turn where? When? Shit.”
.
cleek
Let me think for a minute son.
Ah yes, I think this can easily be done.
Just go straight down highway 61.
geg6
Raspy? Shit, the guy mumbles continuously. Sounds like he keeps marbles stuffed in his cheeks.
I mean, Dylan is one of the greats as far as songwriting goes. I will always give him props for that. He does, however, SUCK as a performer. I was so insulted by how little respect he gave his audience the one and only time I saw him (and John would have loved it since Mark Knopfler was on guitar and put on a much better show than Dylan). He kept his back to the audience for almost the entire show. Just plain rude. And the few times he turned around and addressed the audience, no one could understand a single word he mumbled. But even that was better than the unintelligible crap he was spewing when he sang.
Just another reason, I guess, for me to never get gps.
smiley
@smiley: Or his Fat Bastard voice.
freelancer
It’s Keith Moon for Snickers!
Bill Hicks for Orange Drink:
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=36756427
wasabi gasp
I want my voice on the thing, so I can tell everyone where they can go.
DougJ
I love the idea of this. The voice on those things is always so annoying. This would be fun.
SGEW
Driver: “Ok, put the address into it.”
GPS: “Huzzinahmariz ah soonikouzah”
Driver: “What the fuck did it just say?”
Passenger: “Something about hurricanes making sandwiches?”
GPS: “Huzzinahoonar ballyahmak”
[too easy]
smiley
@geg6:
When I saw him in concert in the early ’90s, he didn’t speak at all. He did face the audience though.
ThatLeftTurnInABQ
So if you get in a crash and the air-bag goes off, will the last thing you hear be “Knock, knock, knocking on Heaven’s Door…” ?
I could roll with that.
JGabriel
It’s a pity Majel Barret died last September. I’m sure there are plenty of Trekkies who would have paid to have the voice of the Enterprise’s computer coming out of their GPS. And at least her voice would have clear diction.
I can’t think of too many people known for their voices. Obama has a good voice, but he’d never get the directions out in time: “Now, uh, take a … take, umm, yeah … a left … take a left at, uhh … the corner we just passed … heh …”
.
Linkmeister
And every road would be Highway 61!
DougJ
So if you get in a crash and the air-bag goes off, will the last thing you hear be “Knock, knock, knocking on Heaven’s Door…” ?
That long black cloud is coming down.
Love that song.
c u n d gulag
What’s it going to say when you make a wrong turn?
“You’re an idiot babe, it’s a wonder that you still know how to breath.”
adolphus
Why am I reminded of the Simpson’s Tree House of Horror episode where Homer buys a thoroughly automated house and they have their choice of celebrity voices for the computer. Marge chooses Pierce Brosnan.
Being able to choose a celebrity for the GPS voice would be awesome.
I’d like Tom Waits.
JGabriel
Michael Stipe GPS:
“What did he say?”
“I don’t know.”
“Play it again”
“No idea”
“Again”
“Orange … could be darker?”
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“I don’t know. I think it means that, you know, orange could be darker, like our lives could be different, but they aren’t, any more than orange is darker. You know what I mean?”
“Oh. So how do we get to Binghamton?”
.
wasabi gasp
Dirty Harry: Make a left turn, punk.
The Moar You Know
Bob Dylan – good songwriter, worst performer ever.
JGabriel
adolphus:
“She was a used piece of jet trash … hey, asshole, watch out for the” CRAAASH
“truck. Jesus Christ, I need a drink.”
.
cleek
James Earl Jones
Cheech / Chong
any number of cartoon voice actors. imagine Bart Simpson, Chief Wiggum, Ralph Wiggum, Groundskeeper WIllie, Bender, Cartman, Hank Hill or Boomhauer (!) giving directions.
Cyndi Lauper
Fran Drescher
W (or, Jon Stewart as W)
James Gandolfini or Pauly Walnuts
Jerry Seinfeld
Larry David
Nathan Lane
Robyn Williams
Richard Simmons
Joan Rivers
etc
ThatLeftTurnInABQ
@JGabriel:
The carnage from head-on collisions would be unbelievable, because he would tell everybody to drive neither to the left nor to the right but straight down the yellow stripes in the middle of the road. Going both ways.
cleek
Can’t get there from here!
Jefferson, I think we’re lost!
wasabi gasp
Countertops in two point five miles.
jibeaux
As my husband says, covers of Bob Dylan songs are very enjoyable.
wasabi gasp
@cleek: That’s a good list, but it’s missing Gilbert Gottfried.
jibeaux
O/T, but a new Onion headline just popped up on my FB: Afterbirthers demand to see Obama’s placenta
I am going to pee my pants.
wasabi gasp
This is a brilliant idea and I’m a bit surprised some porn industry types didn’t think of it first.
GReynoldsCT00
Other trekkie options… Captain Picard or Worf
thomas
Highway 61 between LaCrosse and Red Wing is one of the best drives in the country
Spot
@JGabriel:
This is the comment that hits the nail on the head.
What’s the hardest job in the world:
Being a sign language interpreter at a Bob Dylan concert.
MikeJ
Philomath is where we go.
Of course I think Mr. Stipe would prefer a train trip to driving. Perhaps on the Southern Crescent.
JGabriel
Eno GPS*: Take away the elements in order of apparent non-importance.
“So … don’t take the highway?”
Eno GPS: Discover the recipes you are using and abandon them
“Okay, got it, skip the McDonald’s.”
Eno GPS: Do nothing for as long as possible
“No turns. Umm, are you sure …”
Eno GPS: Use unqualified people
“Skip the brothel?”
Eno GPS: Get your neck massaged
“So, don’t skip the brothel?”
Eno GPS: Consider different fading systems
“What? Oh, ferchrissakes, fuck this wanker.”
*All Eno GPS instructions courtesy “Oblique Strategies”.
.
Laura W
Love the title, DougJ.
Adored the song!
I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
And just for that one moment
I could be you
Yes, I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
You’d know what a drag it is
To see you
rob!
He does, however, SUCK as a performer.
Yes, that’s how he’s managed to have a career as a live performer for almost fifty years–because he sucks.
I’ve seen him 19 times, loved every one . I guess I’m just stupid.
asdf
Please remember, everyone, Bob Dylan is a funny man. Many of his songs are shot through with humor.
My guess is that he knows full well how funny the very idea of his voice coming out of your GPS system might be.
Laura W
@Laura W: While you’re scooping me out of mod hell for the damn footwear word, can you fix the lame italics for me too?
Geezus.
low-tech cyclist
“We drove that car as far as we could,
Abandoned it out west…”
arguingwithsignposts
I honestly don’t get why Dylan has sold out so much over the past few years. Seems he’d have more than enough money to live the rest of his life in luxury. It’s not like he’s the rolling stones, with five members who blew through most of their money on coke and hookers.
I really wish a lot of these 60-something singers would just go ahead and retire so some new blood can have the spotlight. Play some golf or take up painting or something.
PeakVT
or Worf
In Klingon.
Roger Moore
@JGabriel:
How about some top notch voice actors? I’m sure you could get Dan Castellaneta, Nancy Cartwright, Julie Kavner, Hank Azaria, and company to do a very cool Simpsons themed GPS. Or how about James Earl Jones? Who wouldn’t want Darth Vader doing their directions? ISTR there was at least one GPS that offered a few minor celebrities doing their voices, including Mr. T. I pity the fool who didn’t follow his instructions.
scav
Oh, imagine all the possible error and other messages we could hear if they only implemented things properly using the full panoply of rock stars … Ground Control to Major TomTom …
RedKitten
Yeah, Patrick Stewart, James Earl Jones or Morgan Freeman would be great GPS voices.
It’d be fun to have a setting where you could make the voice that of Bobcat Goldthwait or Nikki Payne, though. :) You wouldn’t want it on there permanently, though…it could get a titch annoying.
RedKitten
And why did I think James Earl Jones was dead?
Dreggas
i still think eddie murphy doing “talking cars” would work.
JGabriel
Gray’s Anatomy Narration GPS:
You don’t think something …
(5 minute pause filled with angsty emo music from the lates Coldplay imitator)
… important is about to …
(3 minute Sarah McLachlan piano ballad)
… happen, when it does because …
(power build from Deathcab for Cutie’s Transatlanticism)
… take interstate 80 …
(cont. Transatlanticism, it’s a longish song)
… you didn’t notice it at the time …
(Nora Jones, Shoot the Moon)
… turn left …
(…17 minute live version of All The Young Dudes sung by Macy Gray for an audience of 15 aborigines in the Australian outback)
… because that’s just the way things sometimes.
.
cleek
@wasabi gasp: oy. how could i forget him?!
Ben Stein
The Beastie Boys
Geddy Lee
Rush Limbaugh
tripletee
This is nothing new; you can already get celebrity voices for Tom Tom and Garmin units – including Mr. T, Dennis Hopper, and Gary Busey. (In Hopper’s case, he asks “Why would anybody want to go here?” with apparent disgust when you arrive at your destination.)
Somebody also put together a GLADOS package that, of course, gives you the wrong directions and talks about cake.
JGabriel
RedKitten:
Because George Lucas killed his career?
.
joes527
So, I’ thinking…
…
Ira Glass would be a interesting voice for the GPS.
…
The music that would start up to fill the spaces between when he had things to say, would be a neat feature.
…
But by the time he got around to telling you to to turn, you would be 3 blocks past where you should have turned.
…
But maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
(cue music)
MikeJ
I love my car’s Grace Jones parking assist system:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ee6pg95EmIM
jibeaux
@rob!:
I gots to go with geg on this one. Saw him once. It was pretty awful, like an extended game of Name That Tune.
Steeplejack
@MikeJ:
Win. My thought exactly.
SrirachaHotSauce
Dylan is God.
Steeplejack
I have some friends with a GPS where you can pick from among different voices, and the one they use the most is, I could swear, Eddie Izzard, or a really close approximation thereof. It’s hilarious, for some reason.
scav
@joes527: yeah, there simply aren’t enough random route options on these things, or at least intentionally random route options….
so now I’m skittering off in other directions. How bout some directions based on childrens games? Type in a destination, start driving and making turns and the box just says “getting warmer” “getting colder” “Hot! Hot! Hot!” and then maybe a ring-tone like sound when you arrive. I think I’d take the sound of the tardis dematerializing.
If you turn the wrong way on a one-way street it could yell at you “You didn’t ask Mother May I?!”
Jeroen
I really like Bob Dylan’s music but I would pay extra to not have his voice reading directions on my GPS.
Kim Deal on the other hand…
On some GPS systems you can upload a file with your own voice directions. During the last election in the Netherlands a dutch left wing party had voice directions spoken by their main candidate available for download. In between the normal directions she would say things like ‘why don’t you make a left turn next time’.
Betsy
@Laura W:
What’s funny is that he could have kept the song title in its original formulation and it still would have been just as apt.
“Are you sure we’re not supposed to be going down 4th Ave?”
“Absolutely, positively 4th street!”
Laura W
@Steeplejack: Just because I ignore you for a long time doesn’t mean I haven’t responded to you (in my head):
https://balloon-juice.com/?p=25671#comment-1337185
I took that out of the car two weeks ago. Hadn’t heard it for years. Crazy Love is obvious, but Into The Mystic kills me. Nice call, Steep.
(Warm Love. Also. But the bestest of my bestest is Wavelength. I’d love to post it for you, but youtube has never had any moderately decent version. I think Van does not like to share. What a great exercising song!)
Laura W
@Betsy: That is so right and clever, Betsy, that DougJ better go strike thru “gear” and put “street”. I wish he’d capitalize this title, just this one time, but I guess it’s good to want.
KG
Dylan? What, was Ozzie Osbourne not available?
Brendan
@RedKitten:
Bobcat could give that shriek whenever you made a wrong turn.
SGEW
The David Lynch GPS:
Driver: Hey, this should be fun!
GPS: Ask me.
Driver: Um, okay. Should I turn left here?
GPS: (laughs in stereo)
Driver: That wasn’t very funny.
GPS: Ria eht ni cisum syawla sereht dna gnos ytterp a gnis sdrib eht, morf re’we erehw.
Driver: Wait, what?
GPS: (ominous drone)
Driver: Why am I suddenly so nervous?
GPS: Don’t you fucking look at me!
Driver: I wasn’t!
GPS: Look at my knees! Look at my knees!
Driver: Make up your mind!
GPS: I want you to get a fuckin’ driver’s manual, and I want you to study that motherfucker!
Driver: OK! OK! (gets out of car, runs away)
arguingwithsignposts
As long as we’re playing what if, I’d imagine Garrison Keillor’s GPS navigation:
“We’re going to take a right up here, just past the old Krebsbacher homestead, where Mabel would wake up early in the morning … it’s so peaceful then … and she’d look out her kitchen window and see the Norwegian bachelor farmers getting their horses hitched to plow the field. The high school band had been practicing all week for the homecoming game. They were going to play ‘You’re gonna have to serve somebody,’ in honor of the Lutheran Church members. Lutherans don’t complain much. …
Now after this right, we’re going to come up over the hill and you’ll see the Chatterbox Cafe. Just take a left up there and we’ll be home. Home is a place where you can hang your hat and slip into a warm pair of slippers …”
You get the picture.
Legalize
The pump don’t work ’cause the vandals took my GPS device?
cleek
@arguingwithsignposts:
and then he’d launch into a song and i’d have to turn it off because the dude can’t croon.
Legalize
Everybody must not get lost?
freelancer
Oh the Lanes, you need to change ’em
scav
Is this a turn which I see before me,
The break beneath my foot? Come, let me clutch thee.
I took thee not, and yet I see thee still.
Legalize
Johnny’s in the next seat, mixing up the exit ramps; I’m on the pavement, lookin’ for the interstate.
Trollhattan
Two or three years ago I discovered Mister T’s GPS voice was available. I almost bought one just for the experience.
“I pity the fool what don’t take the next right turn.”
“Sucker, you missed your turn, fool. Turn around before I mess you up! You hear me?!?”
I’d certainly drive more.
Trollhattan
@SGEW#67 wins the internets today, BTW. Dead perfect.
jibeaux
@cleek:
No, he can’t, and my SIL says he’s a dick. She used to work in publicity, met him at something.
wasabi gasp
Nope, make a U-ey, you ain’t goin’ there. I’m the decider, and I decide what’s best.
Davis X. Machina
Mio already sells GPS units with the voice of K.I.T.T from Knight Rider.
Throwin Stones
Ain’t gonna turn toward Maggie’s farm no more?
JK
@geg6:
I hear what you’re saying. I love Dylan, but was very disappointed with his concert at the Beacon Theater in NYC years ago. The band played so loud that I could hardly hear his vocals. He also barely acknowledged the audience.
A few weeks after I saw Dylan, I read a review of a concert he gave at a club in New Haven. I was shocked to read that he was talking and joking with his audience in between songs.
R-Jud
My brother-in-law has John Cleese on his GPS. He berates you when you make a wrong turn or start speeding.
HumboldtBlue
@arguingwithsignposts:
That made my day. Thank you.
scav
@R-Jud: That alone may finally be enough to get me to learn how to drive.
R-Jud
@arguingwithsignposts: Best (and meanest) Garrison Kellior impression I ever saw was done by John Linnell of They Might Be Giants. He even launched into a “folk song” in that horrible, warbling voice.
arguingwithsignposts
@R-Jud:
That’s because you haven’t heard mine. :D It’s the best impression I do, but there’s not much call for it at parties, as you can imagine. Most people would go, “Garrison who?”
JGabriel
I do a killer impression of Cage doing 4’33”.
.
2th&nayle
Warning Warning….
“The streets of Rome are filled with rubble”
Jackie
@wasabi gasp: I have a device that has a porn voice option if you want to pay for it. The preview was grand. Of the “you’re almost there, yes, Yes, YES” variety.
JGabriel
.
.
JK
@JGabriel: My Marcel Marceau impersonation totally kicks ass.
Steeplejack
@Spot:
There was a funny SNL (I think) sketch back in the day in which fellow mumbler Tom Petty acted as translator for Dylan.
Steeplejack
@JGabriel:
ZOMG! Thread synchronicity. James Earl Jones was in . . . The Great White Hope (1970), intimately related to the subject of the “GOP Minority Outreach” thread.
Wow, man. Just wow. Trippy.
Steeplejack
@Laura W:
I don’t mind being ignored. My only misgiving is that you possibly don’t see my responses, because I’m usually so far behind the late-night time curve.
I have (almost) all of Van Morrison’s early (pre-1980?) stuff. One album I lost is Saint Dominic’s Preview, which has one song that I particularly love, “Redwood Tree.” (Also has “Jackie Wilson Said” on it.) I went to replace it a couple of months ago and found that it is inexplicably out of print. WTF?! That’s out of print, but not Hard Nose the Highway ?
Martian Buddy
@wasabi gasp: I can’t think of any porn stars who actually do voice acting that’s worth listening to, unless you were going for the “unintentional hilarity” factor.
rs
@rob!: yeah, “…SUCK…” might be overstating it a bit. He can be aloof on stage, but suck isn’t a word I ever thought to use in the same sentence as Bob Dylan- except for this sentence. However, it is disappointing watching him become the Billy Mays of rock’n’roll the last few years.
rs
@Steeplejack: Shop for it used on Amazon.
Steeplejack
@rs:
Yes, I know. I was more expressing surprise that any of Morrison’s stuff would be out of print–and why that album in particular, since almost everything else is still in print. (Although it appears that Hard Nose the Highway, which I used in my unfortunate example, is also out of print. D’oh.)
To take an artist of similar vintage and career span, I can’t think of any Joni Mitchell albums that are out of print. I wonder if there is some story behind the story, like Saint Dominic’s Preview was a throwaway album that Morrison did to complete a record contract or something. Whatever, it had at least two great songs on it.
Lesley
I’d like to believe he needs the money though he probably doesn’t.
What happened to him?
Josh
Bob’s live performances since he hit sixty are notoriously uneven; unlike, say, Lou Reed (whose bad live performances are a lot more earnest), he’s still turning out fine albums though. I don’t get all the people here who are dismissive of his recordings.
Living performers known for their distinctive voices? Christopher Lloyd. Stewart, Shatner and Nimoy (and maybe Takei!). Leonard Cohen. Stan Ridgway (“Goin Southbound”!). Tracy Chapman. Lauren Bacall. Randy Newman.
Sad_Dem
Fran Drescher, Gilbert Gottfried, and Emo Philips, arguing about which turn to take before things start getting personal.
rs
@Josh:also Bryan Ferry (who did a recording of Dylan covers) and Neil Young@Steeplejack: I’ve got no explanation for it being out of print- it was one of his classics, just a notch, or maybe two below the very high bar set by Moondance and especially Astral Weeks ( which he recently released a live version of).