No seriously, we’re all gonna die.
So apparently, the BP disaster is going to kill us all. Like, seriously.
I’ve been sitting here staving off my increasing annoyance at life; meanwhile, none of it may matter because we’re all about to die.
So, you know how BP and the federal government have been arresting journalists and photographers who try to document the clusterfuck that is going down in the Gulf right now because of the Deepwater Horizon explosion from six months ago? (You remember the oil spill, don’t you?)
Well, apparently, according to some scientisty-type people, the media lockout is to prevent all of us hapless assholes from finding out that the shit is going down in a major way.
The BP disaster may have triggered what anyone who has seen the movie Deep Impact knows is called an Extinction Level Event, or “ELE,” or “Ellie” if you want to be really anti-feminist and blame the end of the fucking world on vaginas.
An extinction level event is a world-killer — something of apocalyptic proportions that literally causes the end of life on Earth:
- 251 million years ago, we had the Permian Extinction Event. Some scary geological crap happened; a huge ass methane bubble erupted from the Earth, which basically blew up almost everything and then poisoned everything that was left. 96 percent of life on Earth was destroyed.
- 55 million years later (i.e., 196 million years ago), there was the Late Paleocene Thermal Maximum Extinction Event. (By the way, who is coming up with the names of this shit?: “Dude, did you hear about the Mega Extreme Triple Throw Down All Up in Your Mom’s Face Extinction Event? That one was tiiiiiight!”)
During the LPTME Event, some more methane decided to erupt from the Earth and wipe out a bunch of life for 100,000 years straight. What a dick. It couldn’t wipe everything out in one fell swoop. Oh no! It had to go and terrify for one hundred thousand years, all the species that managed to pop back up after the Permian Extinction Event (or the species that, you know, just popped up all fresh out of the genetic box after the Permian Extinction Event; I don’t know how it all works — evolution ???? — all I know is that I’ve seen an elephant but I’ve never seen a wooly mammoth; think about that!)
Imagine how unmotivated a species that lived through the first ELE must have been during the next ELE. It’s like, “Hey, wanna go gather some nuts?” “Nah, what’s the point, dude. We’re going to get extinctified anyway. I’m just gonna hang out by this half-burnt tree over here.”
Well, looks like those asshats at BP may have triggered some scary geological crap that is going to lead to more methane spewing from the Earth and burning our asses up. Here’s what it boils down to:
You can read all about it here — Some dude at Northwestern University, Gregory Riskin, has a theory about the oceans periodically producing massive eruptions of explosive methane gas, and then the Earth’s decision to periodically fart that gas in all of our faces, thus causing our faces to melt off and DIE.
The warning signs of this sort of ELE are: (1) the appearance of large fissures splitting up the ocean floor; (2) a rise in the elevation of the seabed; and (3) venting of methane and other gases into surrounding waters.
Guess how many of those warning signs are all happening now? Go ahead and guess?
World Killing Event: The BP Disaster May End Life on EarthPost + Comments (163)