I spent the whole day working with a break to walk Callie and go grocery shopping because I figured a week of soup and cereal was enough.
That’s it. That’s all I got.
Exhausted.
by John Cole| 67 Comments
This post is in: John Cole Presents "This Fucking Old House"
I spent the whole day working with a break to walk Callie and go grocery shopping because I figured a week of soup and cereal was enough.
That’s it. That’s all I got.
Exhausted.
by John Cole| 95 Comments
This post is in: John Cole Presents "This Fucking Old House"
Today was a pretty good day.
When I got up this morning I was jittery as all hell. Just nervous energy and dread, and I did not want to get up. Unfortunately, the rest of the world is not going to stop because of how I feel, so I just saddled up and just started doing shit because I don’t really have any other choice. I had to drive to Morgantown for a doctor’s appointment I had scheduled prior to hitting Arizona. So I got up, got showered, and off I went.
The calm of the drive was nice, and there were very few people on the road, so I had a nice leisurely drive. Doctor’s appointment went fine, ran some other errands, stopped by the office to pick up some books and other stuff, and then hit the road back. On the way back, I thought- “Wow, I almost feel ok?” And I did.
And still do. I am still ragged around the edges and going through life with training wheels and a helmet, but today was better. Had to hit Best Buy to return the memory sticks I did not end up using, Petco for some food for Steve, and Menard’s to replace some light bulbs. Stopped by the parents house since I had not seen them since they got home, and am now back home. Made a playdate with their dog to go for a walk tomorrow, and I will make sure to take pictures.
At any rate, I am pooped. Like I said, I still feel totally insecure and just raw, but even though I can still hear the tiger roaring, I feel like the beast is caged and the bars are holding. Like I know a backslide is right there if I am an idiot, but right now I am going the right way.
And my blood pressure is finally back to fucking normal. And I am to the point that when I read things, I comprehend them, rather than the way it was the last week, when I would read something, stare at it, and look at the words and none of them made any sense. It was like the meaning of whatever I read just bounced off my noggin and I was impervious retaining any information. I opened my email the other day and someone I have corresponded with for work over a dozen times had emailed me, and I COULD NOT REMEMBER WHO THEY WERE. I had to do a search and re-read all my previous emails back and forth just to remember who they were.
Fucking brain chemistry.
Also, I see that Joe Lieberman has died, and I would like to remind you all that if you can’t say anything nice about him, feel free to say it in the comments.
This post is in: John Cole Presents "This Fucking Old House"
Another long day, but better than the one before.
For a long long time I have wanted to get a tattoo. I never have because I didn’t want to upset my mother, but I’ve been inching towards one. Right now, should I get a tattoo, the words “Buspar” and “Atarax” are in the running. Today was not, by any normal metric, a good day, but compared to the last week, it was amazing.
I’m feeling a little bit better and more normal, talked on the phone to a couple people, got my computer back from the shop and started reconfiguring and installing all the software again, and got some work done. Apparently one of my ram sticks went bad while I was gone, and when I got back I dutifully installed windows updates that did not install properly because of said ram, and it corrupted the whole file structure. I have everything backed up and pulled my hard drives, so I just told him to wipe the whole damned thing and do a fresh windows install and I will handle the rest. Pain in the fucking ass.
I still have little to no appetite, but again, that is not even a slight concern for me. I’m built to survive a couple crop failures and bad harvests, so a couple days off the feed is not going to be an in issue. May actually help. But when I am hungry, there is cereal.
I have lots I want to say but I am really drained and tired.
FUCK DONALD TRUMP.
This post is in: John Cole Presents "This Fucking Old House"
I don’t want to cause problems for someone else, so I have decided to put this discussion of my mental status below the fold. If you’re sick of reading about it or worry it may impact you negatively, just scroll on by. I assure you that I am more sick of living it than you are reading about it, but this is a full service blog.
At any rate, woke up this morning, sun was coming through the curtains, and I told myself that I was going to confront the day and it was going to be a good one. This lasted about thirty seconds after I got out of bed and both cats started screaming for breakfast, I looked and saw my dismantled computer that I had to take to the shop for repair, and the spiral began.
Before I left for Arizona I had scheduled a blood draw for this morning so that I could go into my spring checkup with the doctor armed with all the necessary data, so I went and did that. It was awful and bright and the place was full of physically unwell people. Got out of there alive, went and dropped off the computer, and then headed to Kroger.
My parents came back today so I was going to pick them up some stuff, and I went into the store, got a cart, and not sure if you know this, but one of the side effects of anxiety for people is a histamine effect, and I had to go to the bathroom. So I went to the bathroom, came out, and my cart was gone. I looked for it, could not find it, couldn’t figure out if I was losing my mind, and the cognitive load of simply getting another cart was too much so instead I went out to the car and pulled into a spot in the shade behind the store and cried.
After I had my shit together I called the doctor and said I need to come in today, so they scheduled me at 3 pm. Got in, and all my bloodwork from 8 am was already done, and wouldn’t you know it, it was great. Like cholesterol and triglyceride levels that were not just good for my age but straight up good. Was officially down 22 lbs according to their scales, and it appears my body is fine and my head is just shit.
I talked with her for a while and she said she wanted to do an EKG just to rule that out for my piece of mind, we did it, and it was normal. Basically, we agreed that for now the diagnosis is I am nuts and having a major anxiety episode. Just talking to her and getting the bloodwork results lowered my blood pressure (she tested it when I got there and it was through the roof) and it was normal by the time I left.
I apparently have another sinus infection on top of everything else, so she told me to get some flonase and mucinex, and then put me on two short term anxiety meds- atarax and buspar. She was very kind and patient with me, and sent me on my way.
I have no experience with the meds- I had been prescribed atarax before but never took it because it was a “just in case” thing, but I dutifully took both WITHOUT GOOGLING either, and I feel a lot better right now. I don’t think I should operate anything more dangerous than a keyboard, but for the first time in a week I do not feel completely insane and spiraling.
So that is where we are now- 24 hours later, not great, but better. I’ll fucking take that. I even wrote this post in one sitting. Thanks for listening.
This post is in: John Cole Presents "This Fucking Old House"
I’m tired and don’t feel well, and not adjusting well to grey skies and shitty weather, so I think I am just going to go watch television.
As a bonus, I am having some sort of driver error that I can not figure out so my computer is acting like a piece of shit and I don’t have the energy to attend to it right now.
I am so tired of hearing about Trump. Just so tired.
This post is in: John Cole Presents "Stories from the Road", John Cole Presents "This Fucking Old House"
I will be starting an onlyfans to help cover the cost of my heating bill because jesus christ it is fucking freezing here. Arizona broke me.
by John Cole| 39 Comments
This post is in: John Cole Presents "Stories from the Road", John Cole Presents "This Fucking Old House"