I know this makes me an awful person, but this just made me laugh:
My “routine” outpatient surgery (which was on my butt — get all your sophomoric jokes out of the way now) went awry and I was in terrible, excruciating pain. To help, my doctors who were absolutely fantastic, created a sinister cocktail of pain medications so strong that it’s usually reserved only for Hollywood starlets. It included morphine, Percocet, Toradol, some sort of synthetic morphine derivative on a pump, and my personal favorite — Fentanyl, which my doctor told me is an opiate 80 times more powerful than morphine.
That combination took me to an incredibly dark place. I began having trouble breathing, and I started to hallucinate. Every time I closed my eyes it was like I entered my very own movie theater running the movie “Saw” on a loop.
Two things- How does a butt operation go awry, and Beck is just lucky his personal movie theatre was not showing re-runs of the Glenn Beck show. Talk about a freak show.
4tehlulz
Perhaps they inserted something into his butt instead of extracting
the gerbilsomething. ANAL PROBE PERHAPS!?!Also, how much you want to bet that Rush is on the phone to Beck trying to score Fentanyl?
cd6
They accidentally started operating on his face.
And really, any one of us could have made the same mistake.
4tehlulz
That’s enough opiates to support the Taliban for six months. Jesus Christ, did the doctors give him a third buttcheek or something?
Zifnab
The butt, the head, with Glenn Beck its all the same and I can understand a doctor getting confused.
Even money says this is one rather large and pathetic publicity stunt on the part of Beck to boost ratings that are sagging worse than Barbara Bush’s cleavage. He ran a YouTube video claiming he was going to expose the dank underbelly of medical service in the US, then comes out gushing praises for the greatest medical system on earth(tm). Yawn. He’ll spend the rest of the week preening and posing while he claims to have all the answers to the US Insurance Mess. Then sink back into obscurity where, god willing, he’ll get hit by a bus.
LiberalTarian
Man I hate Glenn Beck. I watched part of his sniveling bullshit, and all the while thinking, “You ass. You don’t even realize you were treated well in comparison to people without health insurance. They should have taken your fat, unhealthy ass and dumped it out on skid row, then you would have seen the REAL health care crises you son of a bitch.”
sal
I don’t think he was hallucinating. He just got a visit from Christmas Future.
Face
Hemmorhoids, natch.
r€nato
so Beck got a lobotomy, huh?
r€nato
Fastened his tuxedo.
Cassidy
Sebaceous cyst, lipoma(?), abcess…a number if different things that while minor do require surgical intervention. The only complication I can think of though, for those kinds of outpatient surgeries, is infection. I have yet to see the infection requiring that number of painkillers.
Forge
Funny stuff there John!
r€nato
Or as we routinely call it, Iraq.
sal
And while we’re at it, isn’t it a bit ironic for Glenn to be calling for “compassion”, “respect”, and “…finding someone who actually cared about me.”
Ha ha ha.
LITBMueller
The docs made him an even bigger asshole.
Cassidy
And where has he gotten Fentanyl? I’ve only seen that given to patients who are in a chronic pain management treatment plan. That’s some serious narcotics for being butt-hurt.
Jen
Botched operation + overprescribed heavy duty opiates = even bigger malpractice suit
Now, to find a right wing trial lawyer…
wingnuts to iraq
anyone see the ABC News Article that Bush and the Navy lied about the whole Iran speed boat thing? I’d love to get a take from ya Mr. Cole.
More lying liars. All of ’em.
annagranfors
I’ll bet Howie Kurtz crawled up Beck’s ass and got stuck in there. (or maybe he just didn’t wanna leave, so they had to cut him out.)
Jake
Jeff Gannon tore him a new one?
Billy K
We have a WinRar.
r€nato
That reminds me, Mitt needs a Hewitt-ectomy.
Jake
Semi-snarkily: The squeaky wheel gets the grease. That’s the only way it makes sense.
I’ve had major surgery four times, house matey has had it twice and neither of us has ever had that kind of cocktail. Meds available upon discharge were usually Tylenol3.
Guess we’re both tougher than Beck.
Spider97
…in bartender school, it’s known as a Limbaugh.
shaker o salt
You are an awful person but I love/hate you anyway
Cassidy
I go for Perc’s…nice and mellow.
Mr Furious
So, what he’s saying is he’s a gigantic pussy and needed a custom narcotic cocktail to recover from his hemorrhoid surgery?
Get well soon, Glenn. Our troops need you back cheering for their limbs to be blown off in your defense.
Jay
Anybody who has a bad trip on opiates started said bad trip long before the ingestion. Simpler put – only an asshole would have bad thoughts on morphine since Happy Times is the whole history of the drug.
Dear God – if opium was as still as prevalent as it was in my younger days…man, I loved everything about that drug. The taste, the smell, the pleasant dreams…
tBone
It gets tricky when you have to work around two wetsuits and a dildo.
RSA
What a truly amazing asshole. Hire and train the right people but don’t throw more money around. It couldn’t be the case that nurses, for example, are overworked and underpaid? What are hospitals and HMOs coming to talk to Beck about “everything else” they need? What is this touchy-feely bullshit about compassion anyway?
Caidence (fmr. Chris)
Got news for you Glenn: That means that dark place is in your head.
In other news: We noticed a long time ago, stopped letting it bother us.
Seek therapy.
Billy K
Whoops. I spoke too soon. A new title contender.
grumpy realist
Who in the hell is Glenn Beck? (Funny quote tho, John. Thanx!)
Tlazolteotl
I’m guessing they were doing a colonoscopy, and accidentally perforated his bowel. It does happen.
Ninerdave
Actually, Glenn’s lucky he got pain meds. Due to the fucked up “War on Drugs™” (of which I’m sure Glenn is a proponent of), people routinely do not pain meds they need.
Conservatively Liberal
Hmmm, ‘routine’ butt surgery? Well, since Cranial-Rectal Impaction is a well known Republican malady, I would guess that was the problem. He obviously had a pain in his ass, and when his doc checked it out, he found Beck’s head stuck up there.
Doc: “You know Glen, when you stick something that inflated up your ass, you are going to have problems. In your case though, I am surprised you even noticed the pain.”
Beck: “Why is that doc?”
Doc: “Well, you have to be one of the biggest assholes I have ever known, and it is simply amazing that you even noticed any pain at all. It must be that you have a low pain threshold, which is another well known condition among Republicans.”
Beck bragging about his legal drug trip? What a maroon. Probably gets high smoking banana peel in his closet and now that his ass has blessed him with an excuse for some good drugs, he has to brag about it.
Someone pack an anvil and take him parachuting.
UnkyT
Would this be the same surgery Romney needs to remove Hewitt’s head from his ass, or does Hewitt just come out with the rest of the shit?
Bombadil
IIRC, that’s what I got when I had my colonoscopy, and again for a needle biopsy. Great stuff, actually — no pain, no memories, but apparently you’re still alert enough to take directions.
But, man, that’s quite a list of heavy medications. Good thing he has health insurance, huh?
r€nato
a boil on the arse of CNN.
Andrew J. Lazarus
The largest fine in California HMO history was levied against a hospital that killed a guy in for hemorrhoid surgery. There was an infection in post-op and he died in agony. The doctor was literally on the golf course saying it couldn’t be that bad when reached by cellphone.
The HMO’s defense(?) was that he would have died anyway even if the doctor had come back (or some other doctor had taken charge).
Krista
No kidding! When I had my kidney stone, it was Dilaudid, and kidney stones are pretty much acknowledged to be right up there in terms of pain.
That quantity and combination of drugs — that just seems wrong, somehow.
I had tried to think of something funny to say, but I really fail to see how anything can top that. (no pun intended, of course)
Tim (the other one)
Interesting that that cocktail didn’t take him to his “happy place”.Probably doesn’t hasz one.
Chuck Butcher
Quit pressing the button asshole.
Faux News
LOL! Perhaps a BIG push of morphine would have quieted down Mr. Beck’s pain.
horatius
This is what True Liberal fascists like John Cole are all about.
/Doughbob
tBone
I can’t believe no one beat me to it. Two wetsuits and a dildo? It’s gold, Jerry, gold!
UnkyT
Beck talking to his asshole?
PaulW
When the giant bug (we’re talking Roachzilla) up Glenn Beck’s -ss fights back! Ever see any of Cronenberg’s early films???
UnkyT
Doctor was unwilling to perform the surgery twice.
Phoenician in a time of Romans
They accidentally started operating on his face.
Now, don’t be rude. The surgery was supposed to seperate his head from his ass.
They ran into complications when they found out he had no neck.
SpotWeld
Aren’t recovered or recovering addicts supposed to avoid opiates?
Oxycon
“Two things- How does a butt operation go awry”?
=================
Somehow I’m thinking about that disgusting joke my friend used to tell that was about some guy waking up with his pants around his ankles and a really sore ass with a $20 bill shoved in tight.
S’pose the Doctor wasn’t much of a Beck fan and he had a little fun while Beck was out cold?
Billy K
Wow, good catch. I can’t imagine how awful it would be to have a nationally broadcast right-wing loudmouth hooked on smack.
myiq2xu
Damn, I hate getting here late. All the good jokes were used already.
The only one left I can think of:
Are they still looking for those WMD’s?
myiq2xu
I’d rather see Beck quit pressing the asshole button.
rawshark
All I got was liquid vicodan when they rebuilt my jaw. He’s a pussy.
Jon H
“How does a butt operation go awry”
Actually, my mom had an operation for hemhorrhoids and started bleeding heavily during recovery.
Svensker
It was probably experimental hemorrhoid transplant surgery, which I’ve heard can be very delicate.
(Wet suit, dildo, ha ha hahhhahhahhha)
Jon H
This is Beck making his bid to be the next Rush.
Ass ailment? Check
Heavy doses of opiates? Check
Glenn B
Don’t worry, I’ve learned my lesson!
Dreggas
Shorter beck:
I had to have minor out-patient surgery due to a felching scene gone bad when…
Chuck Butcher
Alcoholics/addicts need to be very careful around drugs like that. Their physical reaction is damped and their rational reaction is ‘feel good’ not tolerate. I’m 20yrs clean and sober this spring, I avoid pain killers when remotely possible, I’ll tolerate a boat load of pain rather than walk back into addiction.
I also face a natural resistance to pain killers/downs, at 145# the dosage needed to affect me would kill a 300# man. Dental work requires an overdose of novacain etc. cocktail for – seriously – a 300# man. Major surgery would put me in a real serious difficulty – per a surgeon who did a local on me. Beck is an idiot – on several levels.
myiq2xu
Two Glenns, one cup?
Tsulagi
And all that pain medication is for when the magnum-sized dildo finally blows out. Ask any SoCon, they’ll ditto.
Dreggas
it was surgery not a drug test.
C. elegans
It was an asshole transplant – the asshole rejected him.
(Shamelessly stolen from an old Monty Python bit.)
bleh
Hmm, normally fentanyl isn’t given except to patients who have already been on opioids for some time, due to its tendency to depress respiration, especially in opioid-naive patients. If he hadn’t already tolerized to the respiratory-depressive effects of opioids — which takes days — then I can see how that effect, plus the mental-depressive effects of opioids, could have resulted in what he describes.
I’m surprised at the number of opioids — morphine, Percocet, “some sort of synthetic opioid on a pump,” and fentanyl. That’s pretty uncommon from what I know.
dmhlt
Lesson For The Day:
If, when you are about to die, your entire life truly flashes before your eyes – be sure you’ve set your TIVO to something entertaining … and NOT Glenn Beck’s show.
Jake
Diagnosis: Santorum Overdose.
Dreggas
Yeah but this one involved gerbils…
Jake
Gerbils eh? Was one named Joseph?
Wait … Satan is here with a really big hand-basket.
Wonder what he wants?
Tax Analyst
Your “E” Ticket. (“E” for “Eternity”). Meet’cha down there, probably.
Dreggas
Climb in…
Jake
Never mind, the basket was already full of virgins and he asked directions to the U.S. Naval Observatory.
Said something about a family reunion.
Jake
Nope, nope, not gonna watch. I got in huge amounts of trouble for laughing at that when it aired.
I also learned that waving the vacuum attachment and a catnip mouse isn’t funny.
Dreggas
well DUH!
neal peart
This is the funniest thread of the year. Well done.
Conservatively Liberal
That amount and mix of drugs ought to stun an elephant.
Oh, right…
As anal retentive as Beck is, the doc probably used the jaws of life to get the job done.
Doc: “Glenn, we could not use the colonoscope as there was just too much area to cover, so we let a CNN news team in to cover everything for us. Unfortunately, they got lost and nobody wants to send a rescue team in after them.”
I have to wonder if the doc had a little fun in the operating room.
*Glenn is out cold on the table, ass in the air*
Doc to the attendants in the op room: “Who wants to go first?”
If I was Beck’s doc, I would have referred him to a ‘specialist’ in San Francisco.
Justin
You know what I found offensive about the whole interview? How he was so distressed that the doctor SIGHED at him — oh poor Glenn!! — and he starts talking about how we need to put the “care” back in health care…”people caring about each other.” What a load of horseshit coming from this man, who spews hatred on a daily basis. And what a priveleged bigot he is, complaining that the doctor sighed while more than 40 million Americans have access to no health care at all. Give me a fucking break!
bernarda
“That combination took me to an incredibly dark place. I began having trouble breathing, and I started to hallucinate. Every time I closed my eyes it was like I entered my very own movie theater running the movie “Saw” on a loop.”
I think he is describing his conversion to Mormonism.
TR
I think Beck went into the hospital just so more people would watch him than when he’s on TV. “Oooh, six! That’s a new record!”
Glenn B
Welcome to the Theory of Exceptionalism: Everyone must suck it up and fuck off, EXCEPT, me.
Jamey
Iraq (or Gitmo) IS Glen’s happy place.
Small wonder he freaked out.
Gene
Tlazolteotl Says:
I’m guessing they were doing a colonoscopy, and accidentally perforated his bowel. It does happen.
With Beck they were probably puzzled about which end to put it in. . .
apishapa
How does a butt operation go awry?
I think his head is now stuck up his penis.
Lou_A
Man,…..I always assumed that Glenn the Hemorrhoid Beck was hallucinating anyway, what’s this BS excuse “The drug done it to me crap” ?
So since we now know that he had some body work done to remove those unsightly hemorrhoids, can we expect than on his return to blathering show he will now be able to speak more coherently or can we expect it to be just more of his same old, same old_oral diarrhea?????
Randy Paul
Here are some photos of the procedure.
Jim
I thought Glenn Beck was my bad hallucination!? You mean he really exists?
Seriously, he had a near death experience and saw heaven…and found out that Jesus was a liberal…with compassion for the poor and downtrodden and a lack of patience with rich selfish bigots.
Ramses
Why do people fall for this stupid shit? This botched surgery is about as real as his drug and alcohol addiction. He wants attention and believes people will have empathy for him when discusses all the trials he has endured during his life. I wonder how he would do in a Vietnamese prison for several years? This pile of shit couldn’t hold McCain’s nutsack.