Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

How any woman could possibly vote for this smug smarmy piece of misogynistic crap is beyond understanding.

“The defense has a certain level of trust in defendant that the government does not.”

Teach a man to fish, and he’ll sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

It could be worse. Vance could have said “post-menopausal sows.” Waiting for that audiotape to surface.

Sadly, media malpractice has become standard practice.

Just because you believe it, that doesn’t make it true.

I see no possible difficulties whatsoever with this fool-proof plan.

Is it negotiation when the other party actually wants to shoot the hostage?

Peak wingnut was a lie.

A snarling mass of vitriolic jackals

He seems like a smart guy, but JFC, what a dick!

“woke” is the new caravan.

Whoever he was, that guy was nuts.

Conservatism: there are people the law protects but does not bind and others who the law binds but does not protect.

I was confident that someone would point it out and thought why not me.

Insiders who complain to politico: please report to the white house office of shut the fuck up.

When they say they’re pro-life, they don’t mean yours.

“But what about the lurkers?”

Republicans are the party of chaos and catastrophe.

Elections aren’t won by handwringing, cowering, and/or bashing your own candidates.

My right to basic bodily autonomy is not on the table. that’s the new deal.

One of our two political parties is a cult whose leader admires Vladimir Putin.

They’re not red states to be hated; they are voter suppression states to be fixed.

Let there be snark.

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Reader Interactions

248Comments

  2. 2.

    Steve L.

    I have seen a run like Lynch’s from yesterday. I did it on Madden for Xbox. Set on easy.

  5. 5.

    frosty

    Let’s see if the Ravens D can avoid giving up the game in the last 2 minutes this time. Way too many nailbiters for a defense that’s supposed to be the second best.

  6. 6.

    Cat Lady

    So far I’ve been completely wrong on my picks. If Baltimore and Philly win today, I’ll be 0 fer. This is why I don’t bet.

  7. 7.

    J sub D

    Seattle advancing makes me smile. Although unlikely, I want them to go to the Super Bowl just to add some hilarity to the faux seriousness of professional football..

  8. 8.

    MikeTheZ

    I was feeling good about the Pack against the Iggles this morning.

    Then someone said “fourth and twenty-six” to me, and now I feel sick.

    Can we just get that game over with now?

  9. 9.

    morzer

    Go Chiefs and Packers, I suppose. I don’t really care either way, which probably means DougJ will denounce me for being centrist.

  11. 11.

    jk

    Fuck the NY Jets and their obnoxious blowhard coach. Can’t wait to see the Patriots kick their asses next week.

  12. 12.

    smith

    I am utterly ambivalent about the Ravens-Chiefs, don’t know if I really care who wins. Ravens-Steelers or Ravens-Pats would probably be the better match-ups though.

    But as much as I dislike Michael Vick, I want the Eagles to run roughshod over the Packers. As a Bears fan I can’t root for anything Packers – sorry, just can’t bring myself to do it.

  18. 18.

    jk

    @morzer:

    Mark Sanchez sucks dick and will never win an AFC Championship Game. He’s still not fit to carry Peyton Manning’s or Tom Brady’s jock strap. Are you satisfied now?

  20. 20.

    BruceFromOhio

    I see the echoes of yesterdays Jets win are so strong that they’ve carried over to today.

    Its a big day for defensive teams and coordinators. Once Flacco & Co get momentum and rhythm, those Gaia-damned crows are tough to stop. Same with the dog butcherer* and his squad.

    I’m thinking Ravens D is going to shut out KC, or come damned close. GB-PHI is going to be fireworks, and that’s the game to see today.

    /* ^I only call him that because there has been so much rending of clothing and shedding of tears over this convicted felon having the audacity to be good at throwing the pigskin.^

  22. 22.

    morzer

    @BruceFromOhio:

    Definitely the last points that the Chiefs are going to score today, sho ’nuff.

    I wonder whether jk is trying to do reverse voodoo and ensure a Jets win?

  23. 23.

    KG

    @J sub D: If Seattle were to some how win the Super Bowl which would be the most annoying story/debate would be the most annoying to come of it:

    1. Is Pete Carroll, having won a national title (or two) in college and the Super Bowl in the NFL, one of the greatest coaches of all time?

    2. Is parity really good for the NFL?

    3. Are NFL playoff seedings fair?

    4. Maybe the BCS system is better, no way a 6-6 team gets a shot at the national title, let alone a 5-7 team

  24. 24.

    burnspbesq

    Just a reminder that after the day’s NFL foolishness is concluded, there is terrapin stew on the menu.

  26. 26.

    BruceFromOhio

    @morzer: Possibly. But I see the KC D is getting to Flacco, and that throws him off badly – once he gets sacked a couple of times, his reactions and accuracy go to shit. Better to blitz early and keep that rhythm at bay.

    … KC punching big holes in the Ravens secondary is definitely keeping it interesting …

  31. 31.

    S. cerevisiae

    I have to admit I root for the underdog when I don’t have a favorite, so I was cheering (and laughing) when the Seahawks won. Just think, if they beat Chicago next week and Green Bay beats Philly today then the Seahawks will host the NFC championship game against Green Bay (provided they beat the Falcons).

    I would love to see that for the sheer absurdity of it since the damn Patriots are going to run through the AFC like shit through a goose and completely destroy anyone the NFC puts up this year.

  33. 33.

    KG

    @S. cerevisiae: I don’t know, I think the Bears and possibly Philly could give the Patriots a go in the Super Bowl, especially if the roof is closed at the JerryDome

  34. 34.

    Andy K

    @KG:

    I hope Ed Sabol gets voted in- and son Steve at some point in the future. NFL Films has had a major impsct on the league’s popularity, and it was Ed’s brainchild, not an idea originated in the NFL offices and shopped out.

  35. 35.

    KG

    there may be no play in all of sports that I despise more than taking a knee at the end of the first half in football

  36. 36.

    morzer

    Well, the Ravens haven’t been wildly impressive so far, although the Chiefs did fade a bit in the second quarter. I rather suspect the Patsies would have their wicked way with either team without undue effort.

  37. 37.

    KG

    @Andy K: yeah, I love the voice of NFL films… but looking at the list, Deion, Faulk, Bettis, Roaf, Carter, and Brown seem like locks to me on this ballot.

  42. 42.

    Andy K

    @KG:

    …Deion, Faulk, Bettis, Roaf, Carter, and Brown seem like locks to me on this ballot.

    I’m not so sure about Roaf, Carter and Brown this soon, but if Sanders is getting in, I hope Carter gets in…Just so we can be done with what are certain to be the two most rambling, egotistical acceptance speeches in the HoF’s history.

  43. 43.

    Cacti

    Okay, this should be right up Cole’s alley.

    Jerome Bettis is a HOF finalist. But is he really a HOFer?

    I think of him as the Vinny Testaverde of Running Backs. Good but never really great, certainly never the best at his position, but played a long enough time to compile stats that made him look better than he really was. Vinny is 7th all time in passing yards and 8th all time in TDs, Bettis is 5th all time in rushing yards…

    But does anyone think either guy was among the 10 best players to ever play their position?

  44. 44.

    MattR

    @Andy K: My guess is that the five selected are Marshall Faulk, Deion Sanders, Cris Carter, Tim Brown and Shannon Sharpe.

    @Andy K: See Dallas Cowboys – Week 1.

  48. 48.

    PurpleGirl

    I don’t follow football but I thought I’d read the thread today… how many games are you all following this afternoon?

  49. 49.

    asiangrrlMN

    @stuckinred: It’s true! I can root for the Pack and the Bears without all the complicated feelings I have when rooting for the Vikes. And, I am not as invested, so it’s not as hard when they lose. A win-win-win!

    @PurpleGirl: There’s one game at a time. Right now, Ravens v. KC. Later, it’s Philly v. Packers. It’s the playoffs, bay-beeeee!

  54. 54.

    Andy K

    @Cacti:

    Vinny is 7th all time in passing yards and 8th all time in TDs, Bettis is 5th all time in rushing yards…

    Apples and oranges. It’s was a lot easier for a qb of their era to move up the all-time lists at the position than for a running back of the same era to do the same.

    Testaverde had an advantage over the Bart Starrs and Sonny Jurgensons in that the modern rules opened up the passing game in a way that makes makes mediocrities of the ’90s look like the greats of the ’60s.

    Conversely, take a look, if you can, at film of running backs of the pre-merger era, and notice how there are a lot of big, long runs that would be blown dead after 5 yards in the modern era. In the olden (olden is valid, per the spellchecker) days if a defensive player tripped up the ball carrier and the carrier stumbled down, the carrier was allowed to get up and run as long as he wasn’t contacted when his knee was on the ground.

    Anyway…Bettis really was all of that. I think people tend to forget that while he got his SB ring with the Stillers, his truly great days were with the Rams. And he was a fucking stud with the Rams.

  56. 56.

    asiangrrlMN

    @Omnes Omnibus: Well, like I said, once the Vikes are out, I am pretty free with my football love. I root for whichever team I prefer at the moment without getting too invested in it.

    @stuckinred: Hey. We resemble that remark!

    @Andy K: So you think the Bus IS HOF material.

    ETA: Mike Carey. Yum.

  57. 57.

    Andy K

    Later tonight, I think I’m going to offer my HoF argument for The Strange Case of O.J./Otis Anderson, the man who had two distinctly different phases in his career, each under a slightly different name- lightning in a bottle during the first phase as O.J., with the Cards, short-yardage workhorse as Otis with the Giants.

  59. 59.

    puffer

    I had a dream the pizza guy bought the Piston’s & put on an
    exhibition game at silver dome with the Lions. The details
    are fuzzy …. like donkey basketball, right?

    At halftime, they rolled out free pizza for everyone while a
    cross denominational benediction given in honor of recently
    gunned down Gabby Giffords, was led by Sarah Palin.

    Fifty new Volts were given to one of each lucky numbers.
    Midway through the 2nd half I woke up to an announcement
    identifying a new National TV Network:

    BREAD AND CIRCUSES

  60. 60.

    stuckinred

    There goes that Dawg

    In a move that was widely expected, A.J. Green, a junior from Summerville, S.C. announced today he is giving up his final year of eligibility to enter the NFL draft.

  66. 66.

    Andy K

    @stuckinred:

    Depends on what you’ve been doing, doesn’t it? If you’re a Filipina from a fishing village who catches fish with her teeth, it’s “baited”; if you drank a fifth of Stoli and employed your Craftmatic Adjustable Bed for the purposes of oral onanism, it’s ” ‘bated”.

    [Thanks to Kevin Matthews for the first example, and pre-9/11 Dennis Miller for the second.]

  70. 70.

    Svensker

    @jk:

    Apparently you don’t like the Jets, which is fine. But do you have to be such a dick about it?

  71. 71.

    KG

    @stuckinred: Oh please be there at 12, but I doubt it.

    Don’t count on it, every mock draft now has him going first overall.

  75. 75.

    stuckinred

    @Andy K:

    Waiting

    Stand up coming years
    and escalation fears
    Oh, yes we will find out

    Well, like a withered stone
    Fears will pierce your bones
    You’ll find out

    Oh we’re waiting, oh we’re waiting
    Oh yeah, oh yeah

  76. 76.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    Nice run by the Chiefs this year after 4-12 last season. Hopefully they’ll be able to keep it going next season. Now we get to go play the Steelers again. Go Ravens!

  78. 78.

    Andy K

    Shaved? Check.
    Clay Matthews jersey on? Check.
    Laptop dusted off (don’t ask)? Check.

    Alright, see y’all in about half an hour.

    And, stuckinred: Get out of that room! It’s full of deadly reefer gas!

  79. 79.

    Cermet

    Games over – Raven beat poor KC big time but were not really as big a score as it should have been. KC quarterback just is not in the same league as Flacco.

  81. 81.

    4jkb4ia

    Ravens-Steelers game likely to be so brutal I am glad not to be able to watch all of it. Perhaps will sacrifice entire thing to additional Ramban. Not as if the Song at the Sea isn’t enough material.

    jk is being so obnoxious that I am forced to laugh.

    (Hope and wish is to be completely obnoxious to the lovely and talented Ms. EW for a whole half. Then the Jets will lose.)

  88. 88.

    de stijl

    Another NFL open thread, plz?

    The Packers and Eagles aren’t going to live blog themselves. Well, the injured guys probably could, but it would send the wrong message to be seen busily beavering away on their Blackberries during the game.

    It’s all about optics, you see, not how far down the field you actually move the ball. (I can’t quit you, hippie-punching.)

    John Cole, DougJoey Browner, anybody?

  101. 101.

    MattR

    @stuckinred: Well, you might not actually be rooting for the Packers to win. But if the Eagles lose then the Bears get to play Seattle next weekend, instead of Philly. And then the week after that, you’d rather see Atlanta lose so the Bears would not have to go to Atlanta for the championship and instead would be at home against the Packers.

  110. 110.

    SFAW

    He’s still not fit to carry Peyton Manning’s or Tom Brady’s jock strap. Are you satisfied now?

    As was explained to you last night, even Peyton wasn’t fit to carry his own jock yesterday. And he’s never fit to carry Brady’s, you loo-zah. But I’m sure you’ll explain to us that, because Sanchez sucks so bad, that means that Peyton’s Teh Greatest QB Evah, just look at all the yards he’s thrown for. Then you can ask the Dans how fucking valuable that is, I’m sure they’ll have a fine answer for you.

    Of course, no one on this planet can begin to carry Peyton’s jock, when it comes to “Hey lookit me directing the offense on-the-fly, it shows how smaht I are!” situations.

    Apparently you don’t like the Jets, which is fine. But do you have to be such a dick about it?

    Yes. SATSQ

  111. 111.

    Yutsano

    @stuckinred: Ya know, I was seriously debating having Viet Namese for dinner tonight…you may have killed that desire. :)

    @Svensker: I’m a Seahack fan that drools over Peyton Hillis, so by all means crush away!

    (And good taste on your part too! Although I wouldn’t kick Mark Sanchez out of bed for eating crackers wink wink nudge nudge.)

  116. 116.

    de stijl

    @stuckinred:

    Google haz failed me. I have no idea what that means.

    Lest anyone think I know what the hell I’m talking about, the closest I’ve come to Viet Nam is Saigon Uptown Restaurant in S. Mpls.

    Question for older Minneapolis folks: what was the restaurant with the tagline “I didn’t come 9,000 miles to cook you ordinary food” that used to advertise in the alt weeklies?

  119. 119.

    fucen tarmal

    i don’t know why they call her nastia liukin, she has a bit of a 5-head, for her size, maybe even a 6 head, but other than that, she looks pretty good to me.

    oh wait? there is football on? why didn’t anyone tell me? eagles are going to have to stop shooting themselves, the pack is rolling, and if they can run the ball at all, they are tough to beat.

  126. 126.

    BruceFromOhio

    @SFAW: ROFL.

    I haz a filling that the Pack veeery carefully reviewed the Vikings tape from the recent Tuesday Night Football Spectacular, cuz I’m seeing some of the same shake & jive on the Pack D.

    If Eagles D let GB run yardage stack up, Packers can put this one in the W column – had no idea Eagles were dead fracking last in red zone defense. Thought this would be a better game, got spoiled by yesterdays’ fireworks!

  134. 134.

    PurpleGirl

    Yo, people: I needed a neutralish thread to read while cleaning up paperwork at my desk. Many thanks for this thread. I may not have understood a lot of it but it was nice to see/read you guys having a good time.

    ETA: I’m still cleaning the desk but I thought I let you know I was still following the thread.

  142. 142.

    Svensker

    Is Troy Aikman brain damaged or something? The guy does non seqs followed by inanity followed by nonsense. My head hurts.

  143. 143.

    de stijl

    @stuckinred:

    My biet (“understand”) reply was pretty lame.

    If I had a mulligan, I’d channel True Romance and go with:

    Don’t condescend me, man. I’ll fuckin’ kill ya, man.

  152. 152.

    Yutsano

    @de stijl: You’re not missing much. Trust me: you are NOT missing much at all.

    @asiangrrlMN: I’m still not over the trauma honestly. But of course a Dawg talked me into looking. I’m still giving him shit for it. (Not THE Dawg if you’re curious, but not a bad looking one either.)

  155. 155.

    Svensker

    @asiangrrlMN:

    And, SERIOUSLY, people? Still with the Favre shit? Sheesh.

    Hey, Jets fan here. Still p.o.’d over Favre’s using us like a bidet.

    In other news, go Pack!

  160. 160.

    freelancer

    Woohoo! Go Igglez!

    @d. b. cooper:

    The body slam in that NFL commercial with the New Orleans fans is just disturbing.

    No kidding, it’s like, “Do you fellas wanna go in the other room and work shit out? You just about broke his neck.”

    TD Philly!!

  163. 163.

    BruceFromOhio

    Troy Aikman had something like four concussions before checking out of Jerry Jones fun house. The man’s frontal lobe is probably a big, squishy globe of vanilla milkshake, hence the verbal surfing.

    I encourage muting the ijit box and its corporate broadcast inanity, and plug in your favorite mix. Replays are much cooler when enjoined with Vivaldi, or U2, or The Posies.

  165. 165.

    asiangrrlMN

    @Yutsano: The Dawg from NY? You really do have a soft spot for ’em, don’t you?

    @Svensker: I know! I just want to enjoy the playoffs Favre-free. Is that so wrong?

    @BruceFromOhio: Yeah, but I like the sounds of the game. I really wish I could just mute the announcers.

    ETA: Oh, yeah. Woot woot! Pack scores! (Better than thinking about Favre’s frankfurter. Ew.).

  167. 167.

    Andy K

    I encourage muting the ijit box and its corporate broadcast inanity, and plug in your favorite mix. Replays are much cooler when enjoined with Vivaldi, or U2, or The Posies.

    I suggest, for those who want to pay for it at the NFL’s site, listening to Wayne Larivee and Larry McCarren on the Pack’s radio broadcast. Sure, they aren’t Jim Irwin and Max McGee, but that team will never be fully replaced.

  172. 172.

    BruceFromOhio

    @Andy K: That was a sweet play, nicely executed. The linemen all moved decisively after the catch, and scoring with a convoy is always more fun.

    I’m thinking Packers got this one pegged – they’ve been executing well all game, while the Eagles have been hot & cold, mostly cold.

    @asiangrrlMN: I hear ya, there’s no substitute for that ‘crack’ of a good hit, but the fucking inane commentary makes my eyes bleed, hard to see.

  175. 175.

    asiangrrlMN

    @BruceFromOhio: Exactly. I like the crowds, too. But, yes, bleeding eyes would make for uncomfortable watching. I’ve had the HD audio feed go out a few times in the past, and it’s been bliss. I still get the ambient sound with no announcers.

    @Yutsano: Yep. I know who your Dawgs are. 2 is plenty for any one person, I would think.

  176. 176.

    asiangrrlMN

    FYWP.

    @BruceFromOhio: Exactly. I like the crowds, too. But, yes, bleeding eyes would make for uncomfortable watching. I’ve had the HD audio feed go out a few times in the past, and it’s been bliss. I still get the amb i ent sound with no announcers. (Boner pill mentioned. Dur).

    @Yutsano: Yep. I know who your Dawgs are. 2 is plenty for any one person, I would think.

  177. 177.

    Andy K

    @Omnes Omnibus:

    So bummed that I’ll never meet Max.

    I’ll tell you what, tough…When I had Sirius, and the Steelers and Packers were playing at different times, that booth with Tunch Ilkin and the late Myron Cope was great to listen to.

  180. 180.

    Yutsano

    @asiangrrlMN: And one is even a blond haired blue eyed total pretty boy. Of course the vast majority of that is buzzed off, but it’s still there. He wants me to take over 1111 Constitution so we’ll be in the same city. I agreed if he would be my private guard. I think that’s hilarious.

    PS quick trip to the store, back soon.

  190. 190.

    fucen tarmal

    @BruceFromOhio:

    oh no, i can’t ever mute the ijit box, it gives me so much of little to no consequence to ponder, like in snowy rush hour traffic the other day for example.

    that commericial that was just on, i don’t even know what its for, but it has the guy who goes to the super bowl every year, larry, “mr excitement” that is what his friends call him…

    so i am sitting there waiting for cars to move, then driving 5-10 mph when they do…

    i am thinking..

    now is the ad fucking with us, because larry doesn’t look like the kind of guy who’s friends call him mr excitement, he looks as exciting as “high school algebra teachers gone wild”

    i mean are we supposed to suspend disbelief and take this ad at face value?

    is it verrrry dry humor?

    or am i supposed to think, fuck, i am way more exciting than that asshole, subconsciously, i should go spend a shit ton of money on going to the super bowl, i deserve to be there more than “mr excitement”.

    this is why we need the ijit box. its that or road rage because assholes won’t get out of my way.

  191. 191.

    Mark S.

    Big 4th down coming up.

    I found this surprising: every current NFC team but one has been to the Super Bowl.

  201. 201.

    Andy K

    @stuckinred:

    No:

    we [wiː]
    pron (subjective)
    1. refers to the speaker or writer and another person or other people we should go now
    2. refers to all people or people in general the planet on which we live
    3.
    a. a formal word for I1 used by editors or other writers, and formerly by monarchs
    b. (as noun) he uses the royal we in his pompous moods
    4. Informal used instead of you with a tone of persuasiveness, condescension, or sarcasm how are we today?
    [Old English wē, related to Old Saxon wī, Old High German wir, Old Norse vēr, Danish, Swedish vi, Sanskrit vayam]

  203. 203.

    BruceFromOhio

    @fucen tarmal: I respect your analysis and observation, but when the former Dallas qb gets the mic away from Mr Excitement and my eyes start bleeding again, it makes the Baby Jeebus in my soul burst into tears.

    OTOH, to asiangrrlMN‘s point, I might’ve missed the whole ‘you stepped out of bounds on the 2-pt conversion but you get another chance’ explanation.

    OK, I’ll give it a listen until the bloodstains become unmanageable, but then its right back to The Lion King soundtrack, or Sheryl Crow, or Blue Oyster Cult, whatever the hell is in reach.

  214. 214.

    Martha

    So my husband is in the basement shrieking at the TV and his faithful puppy dog has joined me upstairs because she was worried…why do the Packers always do this?

  217. 217.

    JPL

    Gotta say that I want the Falcons to play the Seahawks next week but I don’t want the Eagles to win. Green Bay is tough.

  224. 224.

    stuckinred

    Where’s my man who was telling me all about the great integrity of Michigan?

    DES MOINES, Iowa — Former Michigan basketball star Rumeal Robinson has been sentenced to 6½ years in jail for financial fraud.

  240. 240.

    Andy K

    @asiangrrlMN:

    Had we been trailing, then, yeah…But the defense has protected leads like this all year, going back to week 0ne, right there in Philly.

    Okay, the kid wants to go. I’ll see y’all in a bit.

    :D

  244. 244.

    Suffern ACE

    I never had a doubt my Packers would win. (I fainted and missed the last two minutes of the game, but that was caused by shock not doubt).

  248. 248.

    Andy K

    @freelancer:

    Would everybody STFU about Starks?!

    Sorry, man, but it looks like we might actually have a running game at the most important time of the season. It’s a big deal.

    Sorry about your Iggles. Sincerely. I like that team. Had they won, I’d probably be pulling for them against anyone but the Jets (I’ve got a homeboy connection there).

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