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Dear Washington Post, you are the darkness now.

A snarling mass of vitriolic jackals

A tremendous foreign policy asset… to all of our adversaries.

Sitting here in limbo waiting for the dice to roll

Wow, I can’t imagine what it was like to comment in morse code.

Give the craziest people you know everything they want and hope they don’t ask for more? Great plan.

So it was an October Surprise A Day, like an Advent calendar but for crime.

Red lights blinking on democracy’s dashboard

Stay strong, because they are weak.

America is going up in flames. The NYTimes fawns over MAGA celebrities. No longer a real newspaper.

Incompetence, fear, or corruption? why not all three?

I don’t recall signing up for living in a dystopian sci-fi novel.

If America since Jan 2025 hasn’t broken your heart, you haven’t loved her enough.

Not rolling over. fuck you, make me.

Giving up is unforgivable.

Giving in to doom is how we fail to fight for ourselves & one another.

Not so fun when the rabbit gets the gun, is it?

“Until such time as the world ends, we will act as though it intends to spin on.”

That’s my take and I am available for criticism at this time.

Everything is totally normal and fine!!!

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The arc of history bends toward the same old fuckery.

You are here: Home / Open Threads / Which one of you sent me this?

Which one of you sent me this?

by | 66 Comments

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Just got the following email with the subject “Counter tops enquiry”. I’m redacting the name in case it’s a real email:

——————————-

from ***********
to *********
date Tue, Apr 26, 2011 at 10:03 AM
subject Counter Tops Enquiry
mailed-by yahoo.com
signed-by yahoo.com

With regards to your company am ******** with ********* and i will like to order Granite Counter Tops with the specs :

Absolute Black Island 36 X 76 with Full Bull nose edges (Quantity : 5)
Absolute Black Island 42 X 84 with Full Bull nose edges.(Quantity : 5)

So please kindly check on that and get back to me with the total pick-up ( Excluding shipping because they will be picked-up from your location ) price on that including sales tax Also is credit card payment acceptable ? Please Advise.

*********
Company : *********
Address : **************
Bonita Springs, FL 34135
Contact # *********

Reader Interactions

66Comments

  9. 9.

    different church-lady

    It’s a trap — they’re actually cement.

    @Maude:

    Reply that their current countertops must be inspected with binoculars from a window outside the house before the order can be filled.

    Fixtinated.

  10. 10.

    JPL

    That order is out of my price range. Absolute Black Island 42 X 84 with Full Bull nose edges.(Quantity : 5)
    I am redoing my kitchen and the price of granite has really come down. I went to a showroom and asked to see the discontinued slabs and the sales rep. showed me two different styles that would work in my kitchen. My new granite counter tops are going to cost a few hundred more than laminated counter tops and less than if I had it tiled.

  11. 11.

    Dan

    I am also interested in new countertops. Please let me know if you will be running any specials.

  14. 14.

    RossInDetroit

    Jerusalem Marble and Granite is the only vendor in that ZIP Code according to the Google.

  15. 15.

    Cat Lady

    Don’t ever get black granite countertops, especially if you have undercabinet lights. You’ll spend every day of the rest of your life in a sisyphusean struggle to keep them clean. Bite me countertop inspectors!

  16. 16.

    Crashman

    DougJ’s Countertop and Snark Emporium. Maybe you can expand and start selling bar stools next.

  18. 18.

    ABL

    I also routinely get emails addressed to “Angry Grape Limited.”

    I think it’s Bieber’s way of telling me that I should buy a vineyard.

  19. 19.

    JGabriel

    Maybe it’s from Sarah, Proud and Tall? I know the Shady Pines Home for the Violently Insane is in Spokane, WA, but maybe she has a place in FL that wants new counters. Seems like the kind of thing she might like.

    Though I guess her grammar would be better, unless she had just taken her meds.

    .

  20. 20.

    Johnny Gentle (famous crooner)

    Stop being a jerk and just send the man his damn countertops already. How long will he have to wait??

  21. 21.

    JPL

    @Cat Lady: One of the discontinued granite slabs that I looked at was a black “leathered” granite. It solves the water spot problems.

  24. 24.

    Mrs. Bitch

    Tsk! You’re all so cynical!

    Send him/her your full name, street address and telephone number, and be professional and warn them of any times nobody will be home to finalize the sale.

  25. 25.

    danimal

    Sounds legit to me. I’d advise sending your SSN, credit card info and an address/phone contact so they can help you with your counter-top inspection business.

    Also, a great opportunity to help a Nigerian prince claim his estate may become available to you.

  28. 28.

    Poopyman

    Do you do soapstone countertops? ‘Cause that’s what really has my interest these pre-renovation days.

    However, @JPL: makes me think I should not dismiss granite just on the assumption that it’s too much $$$.

    Maybe I shouldn’t get my countertop advice from M. Malkin.

  32. 32.

    Comrade Mary

    I need counterto advice! Ex insisted on light blue laminate, which is not a good mix with tea. Trust me. I was considering some light to medium brown patterned laminate, but is Corian or something like it a better choice? What can I scrub with bleach without bleaching it?

    Thx!

  34. 34.

    Omnes Omnibus

    This may be old fashioned of me, but I prefer butcher block countertops to granite.

  36. 36.

    Kilkee

    @Comrade Mary: I have granite of the unfortunately stripper-like name Dakota Mahogany — a very nice reddish brown. Takes a scrubbing quite well, doesn’t show much in the way of stains given its color and mottling.

  41. 41.

    Dennis SGMM

    For me, nothing beats formica countertops – especially if they’re riddled with nicks, scratches, spots where the pattern has worn off, and a few chipped spots at the edges. They’re what I’ve lived with all of my life.

  42. 42.

    Jacel

    I think this is a genre of spam where it looks like you accidentally received some correspondence on a transaction between a vendor and a customer. The prices might be lower-than-normal enough to intrigue the spam recipient to do business with the vendor.

  46. 46.

    Martin

    @JPL: We got a granite remnant and had it cut for $200 for the kids bathroom. For small spaces, it’s the way to go.

    @Poopyman: Having soapstone put in the kitchen – should be in by mother’s day. It was about $3K complete – got to select the slabs, cut, and installation. That was less than either granite or solid surface. It’s what was used in chemistry labs prior to the epoxy resin stuff. Totally nonreactive and if you do manage to scratch or nick it, you can just sand it out.

  48. 48.

    Violet

    @Comrade Mary:
    Went on a home tour recently and all the upscale homes had versions of very high end laminate for their counter tops. Toured five homes and not a one had granite. All were very recent builds or renovations.

    I think granite counter tops might be on the way out.

  49. 49.

    Dennis SGMM

    @Lolis:
    But, but, we need Democrats like Manchin and McCaskill because they’re the best that we can do in their states and they vote with us on the important stuff. Right? I say “Fuck ’em!” Throw them out of the caucus because as long as those assholes are supporting idiocy like the cap bill then the Republicans can say “Democrats voted for it too,” when things go to hell.

  50. 50.

    R-Jud

    @Omnes Omnibus:

    I prefer butcher block countertops to granite.

    Same here. The Mr. and I are currently in a kitchen renovation standoff because of it. I won’t budge on the block.

  52. 52.

    Martin

    @Violet: Granite is definitely on the way out here in SoCal. Every cash-out refi remodel put in granite so it now looks like the contractor special.

  53. 53.

    Robert Green

    all i know is when we started our remodel my wife turned to me and said “NO FUCKING BULL NOSE ANYWHERE IN THIS HOUSE”

    i immediately headed to wikipedia, worried that there was some weird dried dead animal snout that was a normal component of home building. turns out she feels strongly about the style of the edge of things. who knew?

  54. 54.

    trollhattan

    @Omnes Omnibus:

    Seconded. Our kitchen is butcher block on one side, porcelain tile with very tight joints on the other. I’m impressed at how well the wood has held up and how easy it is once every, say, four years to refresh it with steel wool and tung oil–looks like new. And, if you knock over a glass it at least has a chance to survive.

    The tile side has a couple chipped edges that cannot be repaired other than by removing and replacing the piece. Nagonna go through that for cosmetics. Have to add that otherwise they’ve held up very well. No glazing and hard as glass (because they are) means they don’t scratch or scuff or etch. Not easy to find at tile dealers, though.

  55. 55.

    trollhattan

    @Martin:

    I’m in no-Cal and it’s similar here. You can go to granite yards and find odd pieces priced very well. We’ve done so with both an addition and a bathroom remodel. Corian, by comparison, is much more per square foot, installed and I can never overlook the fact it’s plastic. Looks nice, though, when they integrate the sink so everything is one, continuous piece. I’ve seen soapstone done that way too, but holy cow is that expen$ive here.

    Malkin would find lots to hate at my place, since I’m a looter/parasite and all.

  56. 56.

    Martin

    @trollhattan: We took our tile out because if you drop something on them they have a chance of cracking, and several of ours had. Not much you can do at that point. The soapstone will be 3cm thick and can be sanded out, and you can use an epoxy filler to repair any deep gouges and you’ll never even see it. Should effectively last forever. We considered butcher block as well, but it can be a bit harder to keep sanitized because of its porosity.

  57. 57.

    catclub

    @trollhattan: The interesting point, of course, is that only after she determines what tribe you are in can she decide whether or not the things you own are worthy — or worthy of derision.

  58. 58.

    Martin

    @trollhattan: We found the granite remnant on craigs list from a fabricator. It was $20. We then asked him how much to cut it and he gave us a deal. We’ll do that again in a heartbeat.

    The integrated soapstone sinks can be wicked expensive. There’s two ways to do it – one they assemble slabs to form the sink. That way is pretty cheap, but it’s a big square box and doesn’t look so great (IMO). The other way they take a sink-sized block of soapstone and carve out the interior. That looks fantastic but holy fuck does it cost. We went with a Blanco granite composite undermount sink. It’s the same color as the soapstone and wasn’t outrageously expensive. Can’t wait to see it all together. Moving from a 6″ deep, two bowl enamel coated sink to a 9″ deep single bowl uniform material sink is quite a pleasant change. I can finally clean the cookie sheets and have more than 50% of them in the sink.

  59. 59.

    catclub

    @Martin: “I can finally clean the cookie sheets and have more than 50% of them in the sink.”

    does the new sink have one drain or two? I have tried to find two drain single sinks ( which seems sensible to me!)
    and have not found any.

  60. 60.

    Martin

    @catclub: One drain – offset to one side. I’ve never seen a single bowl with 2 drains. And we looked at a LOT of sinks. I think the closest would be the ones with a partial divider. It’s a 9″ deep sink with only a 3″ divider.

  61. 61.

    NovShmozKaPop

    @Cat Lady:

    Don’t ever get black granite countertops, especially if you have undercabinet lights. You’ll spend every day of the rest of your life in a sisyphusean struggle to keep them clean.

    Ain’t it the truth! I bought a place with a kitchen already done in black granite – nice when totally clean, which is about 3% of the time.

  62. 62.

    Pamoya

    I have encountered a lot of overseas scams, and this has some red flags:

    “and I will like to order” instead of “and I would like to order”
    “please kindly check on that” instead of “please check on that”
    “Enquiry” instead of “Inquiry”

    Not American English.

  63. 63.

    Jackie

    If you get a black granite with a lot of little flecks of other color( I believe the term used was a lot of movement) , they are not a nightmare in the lint department, and I would recommend honed instead of shiny for the same reason. I love soapstone but for some reason my hubby didn’t. Granite will break anything you drop on them. Rocks are hard.

  64. 64.

    kindness

    @Martin: We used to carve soapstone in Art class. That stuff is like putty. While I know once you’ve polished it and waxed it (wax over the top & heat it up, it draws the wax right in) I couldn’t live with something I could scratch so easily. But that’s just me.

  65. 65.

    Martin

    @kindness: Oh, there’s a huge range of soapstone hardness. I’ve used the really soft stuff as well – both for carving and for marking, like a pencil. This isn’t it. This stuff feels hard as granite. My understanding is that the more heat the stone is exposed to, the harder it gets, so some places will have very soft soapstone and other places very hard.

    The softest soapstones have a lot of talc in them and have a Moh value near 1, which you can easily scratch with your fingernail. A harder soapstone, like what we’re getting has much less talc in it and has a Moh value up around 5. Marble has a Moh value around 4. Glass is around 5. Granite around 7.

    Steel has a Moh value around 7, which is why people like granite – it’s really hard to scratch with a knife. But glass is pretty hard to scratch as well, so it’s not really a problem.

    The benefit to soapstone is that it has fantastic thermal properties. You can put a red-hot cast iron pot on it without a problem, and you can even get soapstone cookware. If you put a very hot cast iron pot on your granite countertop it’ll probably pop under thermal stress. Soapstone also won’t react to acids and it won’t stain, and being less hard means that if you drop something on it, it’s more likely to dent slightly than to crack.

    Knowing how we treat our countertops, losing the ability to use a knife directly on it isn’t an issue. I’d never do that anyway since I don’t want to dull my knives. Knowing we’re less susceptible to cracking/chipping/thermal stress is much more valuable to us.

  66. 66.

    DPirate

    lol Nice email!

    I just started the first white-collar job of my life after digging ditches, so to speak, for 26 years. Many of my emails either get sent to myself, to the wrong person, without attachment or disappear into space. At least I say they’ve disappeared into space, because I charitably assume the jerks that don’t answer them in a timely manner never received them…

    3/22 Mr.X, Any update on this please?
    4/1 Mr. X, Is this incoming, sir?
    4/9 Mr. X, WTF?!?
    4/15 Mr. X, I’m outside your fucking office with a bat now, you son of a bitch!

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