I had a scare this week. ONnTuesday I had a horrible stomach-ache and a head ache, and I took two excedrin for the headache. About an hour later, I felt like my heart/stomach was going to explode out the front of my body.
I initially didn’t want to, butsince I have lost my girlish figure, I decided to go have the thing examined at the hospital. The whole thing was kind of scary, especially since the warning signs for gastritis/ulcer/GERD are similar to those for heart attacks. At any rate, I worked myself into a full lather, and convinced myself I was having a heart attack and was going to join ‘Lizbeth.
So they hooked me up to an EKG, did chest x-rays, hooked me up to a heart monitor, inserted a heparin lock, and, after hours of waiting, released me. Today I went to the Doctor and found out I have GERDS, or so she thinks. More tests are pending. Better than a heart attack, that is for sure.
At any rate, some quick notes for Doctors:
1.) When you inform a patient that you intend to do a rectal exam to check their stool for blood, you should not be holding a large syringe. I took one look at the monstrosity she was holding and told the Doctor- “If you use that thing, I am ready to make a prediction.”
2.) When someone has worked themself into a lather and is convinced they are having a heart attack, do not read off a list of symptoms. Every symptom she listed, I began to experience.
Docto X- “Do you have a shooting pain in your arm?”
Me- “I do now!”
Doctor X- “Do you have shortness of breath or dizziness?”
Me- “I do now!”
I finally told her to stop listing symptoms before she killed me.
Some quick notes for patients:
1.) When you push the nurse call button, don’t immediately start asking where ‘all the stewardesses are?’
2.) When your doctor asks you a question, they may not want a literal answer. For example:
Doctor Y- “Did you have a rectal exam the other day?”
Me – “Yes, Doctor X did one.”
Doctor Y- “Good- then we won’t have to do one today. How was it?”
Me- “It was awful. It was traumatic. It was terrible.”
Doctor Y- “No- (giggling). I meant, what was the result of the test.”
Me – “Oh.”
At any rate. I live to fight another day. I am now dreading routine prostate exams, which start in 7 years. At anyrate, the Dcotors all said that even though I am young and thought it might be something else, they wished everyone would come in and get checked like I did. Apparently they would save a helluva lot more lives if more people were as easily scared as I am.
So- If you have chest pains, even after a spicy Thai dish, go.