I had a scare this week. ONnTuesday I had a horrible stomach-ache and a head ache, and I took two excedrin for the headache. About an hour later, I felt like my heart/stomach was going to explode out the front of my body.
I initially didn’t want to, butsince I have lost my girlish figure, I decided to go have the thing examined at the hospital. The whole thing was kind of scary, especially since the warning signs for gastritis/ulcer/GERD are similar to those for heart attacks. At any rate, I worked myself into a full lather, and convinced myself I was having a heart attack and was going to join ‘Lizbeth.
So they hooked me up to an EKG, did chest x-rays, hooked me up to a heart monitor, inserted a heparin lock, and, after hours of waiting, released me. Today I went to the Doctor and found out I have GERDS, or so she thinks. More tests are pending. Better than a heart attack, that is for sure.
At any rate, some quick notes for Doctors:
1.) When you inform a patient that you intend to do a rectal exam to check their stool for blood, you should not be holding a large syringe. I took one look at the monstrosity she was holding and told the Doctor- “If you use that thing, I am ready to make a prediction.”
2.) When someone has worked themself into a lather and is convinced they are having a heart attack, do not read off a list of symptoms. Every symptom she listed, I began to experience.
Docto X- “Do you have a shooting pain in your arm?”
Me- “I do now!”
Doctor X- “Do you have shortness of breath or dizziness?”
Me- “I do now!”
I finally told her to stop listing symptoms before she killed me.
Some quick notes for patients:
1.) When you push the nurse call button, don’t immediately start asking where ‘all the stewardesses are?’
2.) When your doctor asks you a question, they may not want a literal answer. For example:
Doctor Y- “Did you have a rectal exam the other day?”
Me – “Yes, Doctor X did one.”
Doctor Y- “Good- then we won’t have to do one today. How was it?”
Me- “It was awful. It was traumatic. It was terrible.”
Doctor Y- “No- (giggling). I meant, what was the result of the test.”
Me – “Oh.”
At any rate. I live to fight another day. I am now dreading routine prostate exams, which start in 7 years. At anyrate, the Dcotors all said that even though I am young and thought it might be something else, they wished everyone would come in and get checked like I did. Apparently they would save a helluva lot more lives if more people were as easily scared as I am.
So- If you have chest pains, even after a spicy Thai dish, go.
JKC
John-
Glad it was GERD and not a heart attack. (Asking about pain in the arms is one of the ways you try to differentiate between the two.)
As for the prostate exams, they’re no fun, but I always say this to my male patients:
“Ask your wife what she goes through at the gynecologist’s every year, and see how much sympathy you get.”
Jon Henke
John – glad to hear you’re well (excepting, of course, emotional trauma).
I had prostatitis at a young age, and so I had to have a prostate exam. It’s exactly as much fun as you might imagine. Make sure you find a doctor with small fingers.
Kimmitt
I’ll trump all of you, having “enjoyed” a colonoscopy at one point. I felt like one of those goddamn balloons that you twist into animals and hats. Bleargh.
Russ
John, you must be younger than I had thought.
Well, you’re right: when you hit 40, it’s not any fun going for that annual checkup. It’s an ordeal.
S.W. Anderson
Sorry you had a scare and the whole hospital hassle. At least it’s good it wasn’t an M.I. About that, here’s a tip.
With an M.I., you very unlikely to feel like your heart is bursting out of your chest or burning. It’s more like there’s a great dead weight on your chest.
The other thing is what’s called “the look.” It’s a combination of ashen skin, a kind of sickly apprehension to the facial expression, and a certain physical depression that is almost palpable when you walk into a room and see the person with the M.I.
—
On another matter, I sent an e-mail using the hotmail address you provide on the page here a week or two ago, requesting a link exchange. I haven’t received any acknowledgment. Que pasa?
Andrew J. Lazarus
I see you have lots of doctors reading your blog, but take it from an ex-patient: the new protocol for ulcers works well and fast.
Gary Farber
I wrote about my enlarged left ventricle, blood pressure high enough to make everyone who read it think I was about to go Scanners in front of them, and so forth, some time ago. Join the club of us barely living, guy.
htom
I talked myself out of thinking I was having a heart attack, only to have the NurseLine at my HMO decide that I was, or at least that I should get in the amubulance and be checked out in the hospital.
Just like you, GERDS. And discovered that for a half-century I’ve had a “little, tiny heart murmur” that I can ignore, except to take drugs before dental work.
I’ve had lots of prostrate (digital and ultrasound) and colon exams (flex sig and colonosocomy), as my parents have had prostrate cancer (dad) and colon cancer (mon). My parents doing fine, too, both more than five years post surgery.
The worst part of the exams is drinking that Fleet PhosopoSoda; the best approach is to put it in a glass, remember back to your college days, and chug it down, tasting as little of it as possible.
Glad you’re fine. I’ve lost 80 pounds, about halfway to my goal.
Dave
As for the prostate exams, they’re no fun, but I always say this to my male patients:
“Ask your wife what she goes through at the gynecologist’s every year, and see how much sympathy you get.”
The correct (if a little graphic and a touch snotty) response is “well, doctor, my wife’s equipment wasn’t designed ‘exit-only’/”
Juliette
Do you *have* to have a manual prostate exam. The PSA (blood test) checks the same thing.
Juliette
The first sentence should be a question.
CadillaqJaq
What Kimmit said about feeling like a balloon… jeezo-pete.
John, I’m glad that your situation is GERDS and nothing heavier, although GERDS is a bitch I guess.
I recently had yet another prostate exam but I really want all of you to think kindly of me in a couple of weeks when I go in for a “cystoscopy” procedure: a look-see tube is inserted into my frontal plumbing extremity and goes in and up to see what the hell seems to be blocking my left kidney.
FYI, I think I’d opt for the colonoscopy anyday in exchange.
cj~
Emperor Misha I
Glad to hear that you went, rather than go “oh, it’s nothing, it’ll pass.”
Now, take care of yourself please, and continue to do as the doc tells you :)
htom
Juliette — The PSA test measures some blood thing which is indicative of some cancers. Not all. And there are other possible prostrate problems, too, so manual exams are still required. Ultrasound exams are used to determine the extent of enlargement, or if it is enlargement that’s felt. These exams, btw, are embarassing, not painful. Why they’re embarassing is a good question, probably a sideeffect of American culture.
CadillaqJaq — I don’t want to think about that, and am trying to erase the image from my imagination. You know you’ve spoiled my sleep tonight, right?
Lee Willis
I got the same thing about a year ago. Along with a good acid-inhibitor, the best thing I found was to eat dinner earlier. Last year I was regularly working extra hours, and my wife I would have dinner around 9pm so that we could still eat together. I found that my symptoms greatly decreased once I started eating dinner at 7pm or earlier. Changing what I ate didn’t make any noticeable difference. I can get a burning feeling eating something very mild if I eat it too soon before bed, but I can eat spicy food with relative abandon as long as I do it early enough.
Ralph Gizzip
When you go for that prostate exam, see a female doctor. Their fingers are smaller.
jeff
You can get Thai food in WV?
htom
Ralph’s right. I hadn’t noticed that, as I usually have a female physcian if I have a choice (I think that they listen and explain better, than males, who do better at telling and ordering.)
Perry
John, I’m sorry to hear you weren’t feeling well and glad to hear that it isn’t anything serious!
That said, I got a pretty laugh over your account of the ordeal… :)
Kimmitt
“I think that they listen and explain better, than males, who do better at telling and ordering.”
Also my experience (though, of course, excellence knows no gender divide). That and the fact that a woman still has to work twice as hard as a man to achieve professional success.